A mono/poly relationship

[moncher]

Hi everyone,
I'm coming here because I've been at my wits end w my current relationship and partner. To clear things up, I am the mono one- they are the poly one. We have been together for 7 years now and actually got married on 2/22. They are and have been my first relationship, EVER. We started the relationship as open, for "my" sake, but I never took the opportunity to see another person-romantically or otherwise. They on the other hand have been in short lasting, shallow relationships- that have broken my trust. We've been in relationship therapy before and are going back to it soon but my mind hasn't been doing well in the meantime.

The current situation is they have mutual feelings for someone long distance. They are building connection w her every week, and sometimes she visits here and they spend time w each other. I've met her too and we get along, she even considers me a friend. However, my partner wants an emotional, romantic AND sexual connection w this person, and I feel hurt because that wasn't something that was on the table before. That relationship would be duplicating ours and I have a problem w that.

Right now they have both agreed to operate as romantic friends. My partner has a really emotionally draining job and has little space to hold for my big emotions. I've been doing my best to self regulate my emotions, I.e. going to therapy for over 7 years, journaling, reading, stuff like that- but yesterday I realized it may not be enough.

I'm a gray ace person and my sex drive is just low to begin w. We tried having sex and I just couldn't get into it so I stopped it. What kept coming up for me is that my partner wants to have sex w this person who is more exciting and more experienced than me in the field of romance and sex. I felt not good enough and like my body may not ever be able to trust them or want to have sex again w them. All the times they've hurt me have really affected the way I see us.

I want to keep loving them and I don't want a sexless relationship but my mind is also tired, hurt, and heartbroken at even the thought of them having all the feelings for someone like they had when they first started dating me.

Someone please tell me I'm not alone in this headspace and situation. I want to know that's it's possible to keep the love we have in all aspects.

 

[Magdlyn]

Welcome to the board. It can be difficult to navigate a mono/poly relationship. It can also be difficult to maintain a relationship where one partner is asexual and the other is not. Obviously you have different needs.

I don't pretend to fully understand asexuality, but I have read that some aces are willing to have sex now and then. You seem to be saying that you wish your partner/spouse would be loyal enough to you to have a (completely or mostly) sexless marriage for their rest of your shared life, despite them having an active sex drive.

I'm not sure what you discuss in therapy, but to me this seems like an unrealistic expectation.

Also, you've only ever had one romantic relationship all your life, and you went ahead and married this person, for some reason, despite not trusting them. Most people do not get married to their first romantic partner. I find it a shame you 2 tied the knot despite your incompatibility.

It does sound like your spouse finds the new person more gratifying. Even if they haven't had sex yet, you are upset because your spouse has deep feelings for this person, romantic feelings. Yet you also didn't like your spouse's shorter more shallow relationships. It hurts to feel like "not enough." Maybe you could better frame it as, "We are just not compatible."

To me it sounds like you 2 may love each other in some ways, but you are not compatible for a long-lasting healthy marriage. I am sorry, but even though you may not be alone in having unrealistic expectations, I do not see how you can keep your love alive "in all aspects." Maybe you could just keep the love alive as good friends. After all, you don't even trust your spouse!

What does your therapist have to say about this state of affairs?

 

[moncher]

Welcome to the board. It can be difficult to navigate a mono/poly relationship. It can also be difficult to maintain a relationship where one partner is asexual and the other is not. Obviously you have different needs.

I don't pretend to fully understand asexuality, but I have read that some aces are willing to have sex now and then. You seem to be saying that you wish your partner/spouse would be loyal enough to you to have a (completely or mostly) sexless marriage for their rest of your shared life, despite them having an active sex drive.

I'm not sure what you discuss in therapy, but to me this seems like an unrealistic expectation.

Also, you've only ever had one romantic relationship all your life, and you went ahead and married this person, for some reason, despite not trusting them. Most people do not get married to their first romantic partner. I find it a shame you 2 tied the knot despite your incompatibility.

It does sound like your spouse finds the new person more gratifyinging even though they haven't had sex yet, you are upset because your spouse has deep feelings for this person, romantic feelings. Yet you also didn't like your spouse's shorter more shallow relationships. It hurts to feel like "not enough." Maybe you could better frame it as, we are just not compatible."

To me it sounds like you 2 may love each other in some ways, but you are not compatible for a long-lasting healthy marriage. I am sorry, but even though you may not be alone in having unrealistic expectations, I do not see how you can keep your love alive "in all aspects." Maybe you could just keep the love alive as good friends. After all, you don't even trust your spouse!

What does your therapist have to say about this state of affairs?

I don't really like the way you're summing things up. First I'm gray ace, meaning i'm not completely asexual. I hear you saying you don't know everything there is to know about the ace community but it wouldn't hurt to try to learn more before assuming you're getting the full picture. I actually can and still do enjoy having sex, even if it's not all the time.

Secondly, there's more to life and relationships than just sex. Just because we have different sex drives and even different relationship styles doesn't mean the whole relationship is incompatible and needs to get gone. What's realistic for you and another person is not for you to decide.

Thirdly, I have every right not to fully trust my partner in this specific type of way. They broke my trust in the past and now they are trying to earn it and be ethical. I can trust them in so many other aspects of my life though. I find it offensive that you think it's a "shame" that we got married. This is your perceived incompatibility because mono/poly relationships can work and be successful. It's not fair of you to say what "most people" do, cuz most people aren't in a poly relationship to begin with so excuse me for trying and wanting to make things work.

Fourthly, finding someone more gratifying sounds like a comparison, something that my partner doesn't do. I'm the one comparing us, that's how trauma works when you're triggered- which I am trying to work on. From my understanding though, in general poly people, or at least ethically poly people just want connections- they're not searching for instant gratification because that would be using people.

Lastly, with all these things in mind I can say that these reasons were the very things keeping me from wanting to be a part of this community. I just want support, not casted judgment from a stranger- and staff of all people. I'm getting the vibe that because I'm the monogamous one seeking support in this community, that my desires are not valid. Moving forward in this conversation I would like it if you could be a little more sensitive on what I'm trying to express and not doom our relationship. It may be anonymous and online but I'm still a person behind this phone and your response was really hurtful.

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome.

Someone please tell me I'm not alone in this headspace and situation.

You are not alone. You aren't the first and prob won't be the last struggling mono in a mono-poly situation. Same with the gray ace/not gray ace thing.

I want to know that's it's possible to keep the love we have in all aspects.

That depends. It might be possible if all parties do their fair share of the work to mend whatever rifts.

Whatever went on before? Sounds like partner is trying to rebuild trust this time around.

If you were the one who got dinged before? Partner can work on themselves and all that. But eventually? YOU have to be the one to open the space and risk getting dinged again so partner can demonstrate different behavior. So you can find out, "Yes, I took a chance. But it really IS different this time. I am NOT getting dinged."

But it's one of those circle things -- like if you could know ahead of time taking the risk would end up ok, and no more new dings? You'd be more willing to go there. But NOT knowing for sure? And NOT having enjoyed the old dings? If this is just gonna end up dinged AGAIN? Maybe you are not excited about risking it again.

So... rock/hard place for you. Because who likes getting dinged?

What's your limit on second chances? Have they all been used up already?

Right now they have both agreed to operate as romantic friends. My partner has a really emotionally draining job and has little space to hold for my big emotions. I've been doing my best to self regulate my emotions, I.e. going to therapy for over 7 years, journaling, reading, stuff like that- but yesterday I realized it may not be enough.

If you see partner spending time cultivating the new relationship despite being tired from work?

How are they cultivating their relationship with you? Does partner meet your connection needs on this side of the V? Or not really?

What kept coming up for me is that my partner wants to have sex w this person who is more exciting and more experienced than me in the field of romance and sex. I felt not good enough and like my body may not ever be able to trust them or want to have sex again w them. All the times they've hurt me have really affected the way I see us.

How DO you see that at this time?

I want to keep loving them and I don't want a sexless relationship but my mind is also tired, hurt, and heartbroken at even the thought of them having all the feelings for someone like they had when they first started dating me.

I can imagine this is hard.

It is just you for individual therapy right now, right? How far away is the couple therapy appointment? Can you hang on til then?

Galagirl

 

[TinCup]

Hi @moncher, I am the poly person in a marriage exactly as you describe. Have you found AVEN? Your questions and concerns are a topic of conversation often. I often contribute in this sub-forum.

What you are doing is hard. You are dealing with two incompatibilities: asexual/sexual and mono/poly.

You are not alone.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings moncher,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm sorry to hear that your spouse has treated you badly and broken your trust. Just because you are monogamous (and gray ace) does not mean that you deserve to be treated as a second-class person. You are worthwhile and deserve to be loved and treated well.

I know your spouse has an emotionally-draining job, but it is time for them to make time for their relationship with you. If the two of you aren't already seeing a couple's counselor, I suggest you start. Your spouse needs to learn to be more considerate of your feelings. Yes they are trying to earn your trust and be ethical. But emotionally, they seem to be more focused on their own needs.

Considering your mono-ness, it does not seem fair for your spouse to pursue an all-encompassing relationship with their long-distance girlfriend. Right now they have both agreed to operate as romantic friends, and I think that is asking more than enough of you. They should keep it romantic friends unless/until you feel better about the situation.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[moncher]

Greetings moncher,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm sorry to hear that your spouse has treated you badly and broken your trust. Just because you are monogamous (and gray ace) does not mean that you deserve to be treated as a second-class person. You are worthwhile and deserve to be loved and treated well.

I know your spouse has an emotionally-draining job, but it is time for them to make time for their relationship with you. If the two of you aren't already seeing a couple's counselor, I suggest you start. Your spouse needs to learn to be more considerate of your feelings. Yes they are trying to earn your trust and be ethical. But emotionally, they seem to be more focused on their own needs.

Considering your mono-ness, it does not seem fair for your spouse to pursue an all-encompassing relationship with their long-distance girlfriend. Right now they have both agreed to operate as romantic friends, and I think that is asking more than enough of you. They should keep it romantic friends unless/until you feel better about the situation.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

Thank you for your compassion, I wasn't sure how I'd be received in this community. We will be going back to therapy soon and have already been talking about what we want to bring up during our sessions. I feel more at ease now that I'm using this resource too.

 

[moncher]

Hi @moncher, I am the poly person in a marriage exactly as you describe. Have you found AVEN? Your questions and concerns are a topic of conversation often. I often contribute in this sub-forum.

What you are doing is hard. You are dealing with two incompatibilities: asexual/sexual and mono/poly.

You are not alone.

I haven't heard or used aven and I appreciate you letting me know about it. I'm also waiting for a book called ace. Thanks for the resource

 

[moncher]

Welcome.



You are not alone. You aren't the first and prob won't be the last struggling mono in a mono-poly situation. Some with the gray ace/not gray ace thing.



That depends. It might be possible if all parties do their fair share of the work to mend whatever rifts.

Whatever went on before? Sounds like partner is trying to rebuild trust this time around.

If you were the one who got dinged before? Partner can work on themselves and all that. But eventually? YOU have to be the one to open the space and risk getting dinged again so partner can demonstrate different behavior. So you can find out, "Yes, I took a chance. But it really IS different this time. I am NOT getting dinged."

But it's one of those circle things -- like if you could know ahead of time taking the risk would end up ok, and no more new dings? You'd be more willing to go there. But NOT knowing for sure? And NOT having enjoyed the old dings? If this is just gonna end up dinged AGAIN? Maybe you are not excited about risking it again.

So... rock/hard place for you. Because who likes getting dinged?

What's your limit on second chances? Have they all been used up already?



If you see partner spending time cultivating the new relationship despite being tired from work?

How are they cultivating their relationship with you? Does partner meet your connection needs on this side of the V? Or not really?



How DO you see that at this time?



I can imagine this is hard.

It is just you for individual therapy right now, right? How far away is the couple therapy appointment? Can you hang on til then?

Galagirl

You gave me a lot of great thinking pieces. I also appreciate you and others affirming that I'm not alone in this situation. When I'm at the peak of my anxiety like I was earlier today it's hard to get out of extreme thoughts and black and white thinking that the relationship has to end or I have to self sacrifice my own happiness.

I believe that second chances are possible but I'm reluctant to give them out (of course)- I don't think they've been all used up though.

I guess I'm still trying to figure out what I need on my end. That's why we'll be going back to relationship therapy soon, I can hang in even though I have bumpy days. I'm also in individual therapy too though.

Thank you for your kindness and support.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

Hi everyone,

Hello and Welcome to the Forum! (I see that Kevin has already been by to great you - Hi, Kevin!)

I'm coming here because I've been at my wits end w my current relationship and partner. To clear things up, I am the mono one- they are the poly one. We have been together for 7 years now and actually got married on 2/22. They are and have been my first relationship, EVER. We started the relationship as open, for "my" sake, but I never took the opportunity to see another person-romantically or otherwise. They on the other hand have been in short lasting, shallow relationships- that have broken my trust. We've been in relationship therapy before and are going back to it soon but my mind hasn't been doing well in the meantime.

Just to clarify my perspective:
In my marriage I am the poly one, they are...poly-flexible? monogamish? (They are also grey-Ace)
He was MY first relationship ever (I have had other, concurrent, relationships since then - he had a few others during his teens).
We have been together for 30 years (married for 26).

From my viewpoint - "We started the relationship as open" (full-stop) means that the relationship was open. For whatever reasons each person had. You said it was "for MY sake", but ultimately it doesn't matter why each person agreed, only that they did. "BUT" you never took advantage of the opportunity - OK, that was a choice that YOU made. YOU had the option. YOU don't get extra points for not exercising that option (romantically or otherwise) - that's on YOU. (Caps on YOU are for emphasis - not yelling.) THEY, also, had the opportunity to exercise that option (sexually or otherwise?). And THEY chose to do so....but their "short lasting, shallow relationships" broke your trust. Why? (You don't need to answer - just a point of contemplation.)

The current situation is they have mutual feelings for someone long distance. They are building connection w her every week, and sometimes she visits here and they spend time w each other. I've met her too and we get along, she even considers me a friend. However, my partner wants an emotional, romantic AND sexual connection w this person, and I feel hurt because that wasn't something that was on the table before. That relationship would be duplicating ours and I have a problem w that.

So, please clarify with me what your "open" agreement specified - since it wasn't "emotional, romantic, AND sexual" since that wasn't "on the table"? Only 2 out of 3 but NOT "short and shallow"? From my "poly" perspective, NO relationship could possibly "duplicate" another. They are with different, unique people, over a different timeline, with different experiences together, even with different geographical considerations!

Right now they have both agreed to operate as romantic friends. My partner has a really emotionally draining job and has little space to hold for my big emotions. I've been doing my best to self regulate my emotions, I.e. going to therapy for over 7 years, journaling, reading, stuff like that- but yesterday I realized it may not be enough.

If you could clarify what you mean by "romantic friends"? In context, I would assume it meant romantic+emotional but NOT sexual? (To me, that would be a "platonic girlfriend" - like my friend SLeW, she's straight and I'm bi, we are both female...). But perhaps you mean emotional+sexual but NOT romantic (what I would call a FWB or "lover-friend"?) I have an emotionally draining job myself - and I DEFINITELY don't want to process anyone else's stuff when I get home - I need at least two hours before I can bear to talk to another person. (I am glad to hear that you recognize the need to self-regulate...my ex-boyfriend of 10 years never did figure it out...)

I'm a gray ace person and my sex drive is just low to begin w. We tried having sex and I just couldn't get into it so I stopped it. What kept coming up for me is that my partner wants to have sex w this person who is more exciting and more experienced than me in the field of romance and sex. I felt not good enough and like my body may not ever be able to trust them or want to have sex again w them. All the times they've hurt me have really affected the way I see us.

My (Grey-A) husband would be fine with having sex a few times a year (which was much more of an issue when we were trying to make a baby!), I would prefer a few times a week, my ex (Dude) would prefer a few times a DAY. So, yes, people who want to have sex want to have sex with people who want to have sex with them! Dude used to bitch that I would have sex with MrS "whenever he wanted" (Ummm...all BOTH times a year that he was interested?!?) but that he (Dude) would get turned down (sometimes even 2-3 x on the SAME DAY!) {This is "tongue-in-cheek" Dude was a perpetually horny Energizer Bunny.)

OK, so sex is exciting to people that are into that sort of thing...but YOU have been romancing your spouse for longer than this new person has - so why do you assume that they are more experienced in the field of "romance"? MrS (my husband) has had 3 decades to learn every nuance of what I like and don't like (PS. he is REALLY GOOD at paying attention). He can read my moods like text. Knows when I need company and when I want to be left alone. Knows what I am in the mood for to eat. Knows what movies I will like...etc. THAT is super-romantic! He sends me adorable texts and emails...(shit, now I'm gushing - he was extra sweet today...)

Not going to lie - it took MrS a good while to wrap his head around the whole "sex with other men thing" - it took a near-death experience and an epiphany of sorts to shift his perspective.

I want to keep loving them and I don't want a sexless relationship but my mind is also tired, hurt, and heartbroken at even the thought of them having all the feelings for someone like they had when they first started dating me.

Someone please tell me I'm not alone in this headspace and situation. I want to know that's it's possible to keep the love we have in all aspects.

I hear that you don't want a "sexless relationship" but also "We tried having sex and I just couldn't get into it so I stopped it". How often has this happened? AS a NOT grey/a-sexual person I would find this to be incredibly frustrating. To be honest? I would rather assume that sex is NOT going to happen than get my hopes up for a satisfying session. The men I am typically with are pushing 50, so occasionally the equipment doesn't operate as anticipated - that's OK, there are plenty of alternatives to PIV, but a reluctant partner...NOT happy-making

You are NOT alone. This is not an uncommon situation (there is a "Struggling Mono" thread around here somewhere.

 

[moncher]

Hello and Welcome to the Forum! (I see that Kevin has already been by to great you - Hi, Kevin!)

Just to clarify my perspective:
In my marriage I am the poly one, they are...poly-flexible? monogamish? (They are also grey-Ace)
He was MY first relationship ever (I have had other, concurrent, relationships since then - he had a few others during his teens).
We have been together for 30 years (married for 26).

From my viewpoint - "We started the relationship as open" (full-stop) means that the relationship was open. For whatever reasons each person had. You said it was "for MY sake", but ultimately it doesn't matter why each person agreed, only that they did. "BUT" you never took advantage of the opportunity - OK, that was a choice that YOU made. YOU had the option. YOU don't get extra points for not exercising that option (romantically or otherwise) - that's on YOU. (Caps on YOU are for emphasis - not yelling.) THEY, also, had the opportunity to exercise that option (sexually or otherwise?). And THEY chose to do so....but their "short lasting, shallow relationships" broke your trust. Why? (You don't need to answer - just a point of contemplation.)

So, please clarify with me what your "open" agreement specified - since it wasn't "emotional, romantic, AND sexual" since that wasn't "on the table"? Only 2 out of 3 but NOT "short and shallow"? From my "poly" perspective, NO relationship could possibly "duplicate" another. They are with different, unique people, over a different timeline, with different experiences together, even with different geographical considerations!


If you could clarify what you mean by "romantic friends"? In context, I would assume it meant romantic+emotional but NOT sexual? (To me, that would be a "platonic girlfriend" - like my friend SLeW, she's straight and I'm bi, we are both female...). But perhaps you mean emotional+sexual but NOT romantic (what I would call a FWB or "lover-friend"?) I have an emotionally draining job myself - and I DEFINITELY don't want to process anyone else's stuff when I get home - I need at least two hours before I can bear to talk to another person. (I am glad to hear that you recognize the need to self-regulate...my ex-boyfriend of 10 years never did figure it out...)


My (Grey-A) husband would be fine with having sex a few times a year (which was much more of an issue when we were trying to make a baby!), I would prefer a few times a week, my ex (Dude) would prefer a few times a DAY. So, yes, people who want to have sex want to have sex with people who want to have sex with them! Dude used to bitch that I would have sex with MrS "whenever he wanted" (Ummm...all BOTH times a year that he was interested?!?) but that he (Dude) would get turned down (sometimes even 2-3 x on the SAME DAY!) {This is "tongue-in-cheek" Dude was a perpetually horny Energizer Bunny.)

OK, so sex is exciting to people that are into that sort of thing...but YOU have been romancing your spouse for longer than this new person has - so why do you assume that they are more experienced in the field of "romance"? MrS (my husband) has had 3 decades to learn every nuance of what I like and don't like (PS. he is REALLY GOOD at paying attention). He can read my moods like text. Knows when I need company and when I want to be left alone. Knows what I am in the mood for to eat. Knows what movies I will like...etc. THAT is super-romantic! He sends me adorable texts and emails...(shit, now I'm gushing - he was extra sweet today...)

Not going to lie - it took MrS a good while to wrap his head around the whole "sex with other men thing" - it took a near-death experience and an epiphany of sorts to shift his perspective.




I hear that you don't want a "sexless relationship" but also "We tried having sex and I just couldn't get into it so I stopped it". How often has this happened? AS a NOT grey/a-sexual person I would find this to be incredibly frustrating. To be honest? I would rather assume that sex is NOT going to happen than get my hopes up for a satisfying session. The men I am typically with are pushing 50, so occasionally the equipment doesn't operate as anticipated - that's OK, there are plenty of alternatives to PIV, but a reluctant partner...NOT happy-making

You are NOT alone. This is not an uncommon situation (there is a "Struggling Mono" thread around here somewhere.

Seems like you have a tough love approach. I feel slightly backed into a corner. I don't want to get too defensive so I'll keep it short. I did not have all the information I needed about relationships and being poly when I first started dating them, as I said this is my very first relationship ever. So, I didn't get to make a fully informed decision about our relationship once it started. Consent is best when it's fully informed. All I was given was a book and no conversation to go w it. And we were both unknowingly operating from trauma and different attachment styles.

There's pressure from both of our sides because it's hard never having relationship experience to begin w and being on the opposite side of that too. One reason I mentioned this is because sometimes I find myself still grieving over the relationship I thought I was going to have.

Both me and my partner operate on moment to moment consent when we are having sex or doing other things too. They understand it is ok to change your mind and they don't punish me for that.

I understand what choices I have made and am currently making. I never expected points for not seeing anyone when I had the opportunity to. I came here to feel less alone in the choices I am making.

 

[Jeansandsneakers]

Hi Moncher

Im concerned that things might be a bit too emotionally raw for you at the moment to engage with such a broad range of poly perspectives, when the most important thing right now is to make sure you’re ok.

Finding a community/support network is an excellent idea. The only thing with this community is that the majority of people here are polyamorous and have had their own journeys towards owning that identity. That doesn’t mean this isn’t a place for you, but i think it’s reasonable to expect that some people will have different perspectives to your own.

Im sorry if this makes you feel patronised on top of being ‘backed into a corner’. I genuinely just want to make sure you’re ok.

J

 

[moncher]

Hi Moncher

Im concerned that things might be a bit too emotionally raw for you at the moment to engage with such a broad range of poly perspectives, when the most important thing right now is to make sure you’re ok.

Finding a community/support network is an excellent idea. The only thing with this community is that the majority of people here are polyamorous and have had their own journeys to owning that identity. That doesn’t mean this isn’t a place for you, but i think it’s reasonable to expect that some people will have different perspectives to your own.

Im sorry if this makes you feel patronised on top of being ‘backed into a corner’. I genuinely just want to make sure you’re ok.

J

Hi,
I know I can be a lot more sensitive than others, so your probably right. I don't like thinking and physically feeling like I have to defend my own identity and relationship/marriage at the same time. I thought people would be more understanding about the baggage I'm carrying and trying to responsibly unpack and there are some people here who definitely are. But some of the responses I got today were also off-putting and hurtful and had me questioning if I even had a right to be upset.

I appreciate you checking up on me. I think I'll have to come back to this forum at another time.

 

[Jeansandsneakers]

Yeah, that’s a lot from different angles to be dealing with at once.

If it’s worth anything, I recommend keep reading and insist on having those discussions with hubby.

 

[moncher]

Hello and Welcome to the Forum! (I see that Kevin has already been by to great you - Hi, Kevin!)

Just to clarify my perspective:
In my marriage I am the poly one, they are...poly-flexible? monogamish? (They are also grey-Ace)
He was MY first relationship ever (I have had other, concurrent, relationships since then - he had a few others during his teens).
We have been together for 30 years (married for 26).

From my viewpoint - "We started the relationship as open" (full-stop) means that the relationship was open. For whatever reasons each person had. You said it was "for MY sake", but ultimately it doesn't matter why each person agreed, only that they did. "BUT" you never took advantage of the opportunity - OK, that was a choice that YOU made. YOU had the option. YOU don't get extra points for not exercising that option (romantically or otherwise) - that's on YOU. (Caps on YOU are for emphasis - not yelling.) THEY, also, had the opportunity to exercise that option (sexually or otherwise?). And THEY chose to do so....but their "short lasting, shallow relationships" broke your trust. Why? (You don't need to answer - just a point of contemplation.)

So, please clarify with me what your "open" agreement specified - since it wasn't "emotional, romantic, AND sexual" since that wasn't "on the table"? Only 2 out of 3 but NOT "short and shallow"? From my "poly" perspective, NO relationship could possibly "duplicate" another. They are with different, unique people, over a different timeline, with different experiences together, even with different geographical considerations!


If you could clarify what you mean by "romantic friends"? In context, I would assume it meant romantic+emotional but NOT sexual? (To me, that would be a "platonic girlfriend" - like my friend SLeW, she's straight and I'm bi, we are both female...). But perhaps you mean emotional+sexual but NOT romantic (what I would call a FWB or "lover-friend"?) I have an emotionally draining job myself - and I DEFINITELY don't want to process anyone else's stuff when I get home - I need at least two hours before I can bear to talk to another person. (I am glad to hear that you recognize the need to self-regulate...my ex-boyfriend of 10 years never did figure it out...)


My (Grey-A) husband would be fine with having sex a few times a year (which was much more of an issue when we were trying to make a baby!), I would prefer a few times a week, my ex (Dude) would prefer a few times a DAY. So, yes, people who want to have sex want to have sex with people who want to have sex with them! Dude used to bitch that I would have sex with MrS "whenever he wanted" (Ummm...all BOTH times a year that he was interested?!?) but that he (Dude) would get turned down (sometimes even 2-3 x on the SAME DAY!) {This is "tongue-in-cheek" Dude was a perpetually horny Energizer Bunny.)

OK, so sex is exciting to people that are into that sort of thing...but YOU have been romancing your spouse for longer than this new person has - so why do you assume that they are more experienced in the field of "romance"? MrS (my husband) has had 3 decades to learn every nuance of what I like and don't like (PS. he is REALLY GOOD at paying attention). He can read my moods like text. Knows when I need company and when I want to be left alone. Knows what I am in the mood for to eat. Knows what movies I will like...etc. THAT is super-romantic! He sends me adorable texts and emails...(shit, now I'm gushing - he was extra sweet today...)

Not going to lie - it took MrS a good while to wrap his head around the whole "sex with other men thing" - it took a near-death experience and an epiphany of sorts to shift his perspective.




I hear that you don't want a "sexless relationship" but also "We tried having sex and I just couldn't get into it so I stopped it". How often has this happened? AS a NOT grey/a-sexual person I would find this to be incredibly frustrating. To be honest? I would rather assume that sex is NOT going to happen than get my hopes up for a satisfying session. The men I am typically with are pushing 50, so occasionally the equipment doesn't operate as anticipated - that's OK, there are plenty of alternatives to PIV, but a reluctant partner...NOT happy-making

You are NOT alone. This is not an uncommon situation (there is a "Struggling Mono" thread around here somewhere.

Actually, before I peace out, I want to thank you. Though your statements came off pretty harsh at first, I collected my thoughts, was brutally honest w myself and found a misunderstanding and unspoken expectations I hadn't even realized was in the start of our relationship (upbringing, societal related stuff). In addition to the work I've been putting in for/on myself, I've been taking in everything everyone has said on this and similar threads and thinking about it x10. I think I genuinely had an epiphany that I'm hoping can move me towards forgiving my partner. Thanks for your perspective.