Want a poly and a little bit lost

[Mayki]

Hey everybody,

Thanks a lot for reading my post!
I am in a 7 years amazing monogamous relationship.
Since a couple of month we decided to slowly open it starting with swinging and then kinky parties.
It has been going great, bringing a lot of joy and trust into our couple. We feel closer than ever before, reliving some limerence state.

The idea to be completely polyamourous is something we thought might happened in the future but not so quickly after starting to open the relationship.

But here is the thing.. While at one of those parties, I met someone, someone that made me feel like never before. He woke a whole new type of sexuality that I had no idea I had in me.

Since then I have been wanting to explore what I have with this person.
I tried to reason myself but a part of me just wants it and cannot accept not to make the experience of it.

My boyfriend on the other side doesn't want to let it happen, he find painful that I feel like exploring something like this with someone else rather than with him.
He said that if he would let it happen, he doesn't know if he could take me back.

Somehow I cannot bring myself to accept a no for an answer, I simply want it too much. I want to explore this very unique thing I have with this men.
I think I am being unpatient but it's hard to reason myself.
I have no idea how to handle this situation and I am really suffering from it. Almost feeling resentful towards my boyfriend, which feels really unfair.
What do you guys think?

Thank you so so much for your help

 

[Evie]

This might sound clichéd, but you have one life. You do you. You haven't mentioned having shared complexities with your boyfriend (shared finances, property, children) so it sounds comparatively easy to follow your own path rather than navigating a shared one.

If it's as simple as one guy or the other, it's actually not about either of them. It's about the life experiences you want to have. Sure, you have history with one guy, but don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy. If you want poly, open, ENM, kink, play partners, to feel fulfilled...do it and find someone who will walk that path with you, not throw up roadblocks.

 

[Evie]

Alternative perspective...you are committed enough to your boyfriend that you feel like you would rather just stay with him even though you currently feel resentful. You think he might be able to eventually accept that you really do want to have a variety of different relationships and that he doesn't have to have his say in every one of them. He can actually find someone else to do whatever it is you want to be doing with this new guy, and he can discover that with a different partner, not you. Then you can continue your bf-gf relationship and both of you can develop other relationships that meet other criteria.

Then one or both of you end up maintaining multiple healthy relationships and support each other in making them work.

Why two posts?

Because I've effectively been in both of these scenarios at different stages of my life.

The former when I was younger, the latter when I was older. And in the opening up relationship when I was older, I was a little more open to waiting for my partner to modify his thinking to accommodate the new relationship model.

When I was younger, I had less to lose, to be honest. I had time to rebuild into the life I really wanted.

Both decisions were right at their own time.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I mean this kindly, ok?

My boyfriend on the other side doesn't want to let it happen, he find painful that I feel like exploring something like this with someone else rather than with him. He said that if he would let it happen, he doesn't know if he could take me back.

Well, he's being honest with you. He's ok with swing and kink. He's not ok with polyamory.

So if you want to do this at this time, you may have to do it without him.

Somehow I cannot bring myself to accept a no for an answer, I simply want it too much. I want to explore this very unique thing I have with this men.

So... go ahead. Nobody is stopping you from pursuing this new guy.

But know that if you go there? You and BF have to split up respectfully first. Because he doesn't want any poly. And that is fair. Nobody should be made to do stuff they don't really want to be doing.

I think I am being unpatient but it's hard to reason myself.

I wonder if maybe after 7 years of being used to your BF saying "Ok, I'm willing to do that" for other things, you forgot that he IS in charge of his own consent. And you are surprised and disappointed that you finally got to something where a personal limit is reached.

I wonder if in your fantasies you wanted to go there WITH your boyfriend along too. Like "Yay! I'll be a hinge with two partners!"

And forgot that every person gives their own consent. They choose what they do/do not want to participate in. So a V thing? Just because you want it? Doesn't make it so. That is a 3 people yes thing. You have to consent, your BF has to consent and the new guy has to consent to participating in a Poly V relationship model.

If only 1 or 2 want it? That's not 3 people saying "yes" so it's not going to happen.

If you still want it? It may mean breaking up with BF if you still want poly and he does not. And then you have to find other people who want the same thing you do to get to practice poly with them.

I have no idea how to handle this situation and I am really suffering from it. Almost feeling resentful towards my boyfriend, which feels really unfair.

"Resentment" means feeling upset that you are being treated unfairly. And you aren't. BF is being honest with you about what he is and is not willing to do.

I think you mean you feel DISAPPOINTED that your BF doesn't want to do polyamory.

What do you guys think?

I think you could slow down long enough to talk to BF. If this is a hard limit for him? Something that will never change? He just doesn't want any polyamory? Swinging and kink is the most that he do? You both have to accept this is a personal limit for him. And it is best to respect it. Part ways. Then pursue poly on your own.

If it is a soft limit that could change over time? You may have to let this one guy pass. Because he arrived at the wrong time. And you and BF spend some time doing preparation for poly rather than just jumping in willy nilly. And THEN you open up to include polyamory in your ethical non-monogamy.

If you can let the poly want go? Then maybe you can stay with BF. Enjoy the swinging and kink activities you CAN enjoy.

If you cannot let the poly want go? Then you have to be willing to accept that this is the place where you and BF part ways. You end it with him. Then you are free TO pursue new poly things you want. And he can remain free FROM poly things he doesn't want.

A respectful, peaceful parting is better than making a big mess with one or the other doing stuff they really don't want to be doing just to avoid a break up. Or at least... that's what I think.

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

It's a shame, I think, that more people who begin to explore "NSA" kink or swinging, where the other people will ostensibly be just attractive bodies and have a manner that in the moment makes you feel comfortable enough to "play" with, do not consider the fact that our entire hormonal systems are designed to closely bond us with people with whom we share physical pleasure. Anything from going on a camping trip, to sharing a meal, to going out dancing, all the way to actual naked kink/sex, will all cause you to bond with the people you do these things with.

There are actual hormonal reactions. Doing kink with a willing partner can cause a kind of "trauma bonding." Having sex with someone is meant by nature, on a very deep level, to cause you to develop feelings of closeness, become infatuated, and want to spend more and more time together, doing more of the same, trying new things, becoming more vulnerable, developing trust.

Basically, sex is meant for procreation. Nature has instilled hormones to be released to our brains which cause us to bond long enough to conceive and begin to nurture a child. Your body doesn't know you're using birth control in order to prevent conception. Those hormones are still built in.

So, what I am getting at is, when you are in a non-mono relationship, you run a decided risk of meeting a great person with whom you want to get more close than you (or your prior person), originally intended. You switch from swinging or doing kink to actual polyamory. We get people here all the time who enter these waters without understanding the risks. "Have sex with a stranger? Sure, it's just like sharing a bowl of popcorn. Let's do it!" turns to, "Oops. We f-ed up."

But here you are. Now, the question is, can you (plural) come to terms with the fact that this has happened to you? Can your (formerly mono) bf accept the fact that this has happened to you? After all, it could happen to him too! He's feeling possessive, territorial, jealous, envious and questioning his sexual value to you. Is he good enough? Will this new guy be better in every way? Will you seem "tainted" to him after you go play on your own with new guy? Can he be reassured of his place in your life, or will his ego be undermined to the extent he makes you choose, or he just decides to leave?

 

[Mayki]

hey you all,

First of, thank you so so much for all your answers! I trully appreciate and it has been actually incredibly helpful!

@Magdlyn you are so incredibly right and somehow reading your message made me cry of relief. I cannot explain what happened, to fall so hard for someone I barely know..My body did this and it has been so crazy hard to reason myself.
After I met this man, my boyfriend and I actually realised how naive we have been to not think this would happen. It was so logical, yet we didn't think about it.... Well we didn't know better, now we do!

All the questions you ask in the last part of your message are exactly what we are going through and despite the fact I have been trying so hard to reassure him of his important place in my life he seem to need more time.

and that's exactly where you are right @GalaGirl he needs time and I think I need to give it to him..
At the moment it doesn't seem like a definitve no, but it is a definitive no for now and specially for this person. He finds that this person braught too many questions and fight in our couple for him to ever be a healthy decision for us...unfortunately.
And I think you are right when you say that I have met this person at the wrong time, my bf and our couple are not ready for this.

Sadly, I think the only thing I can do is to forget him.
And as you pointed out @GalaGirl, we are 3 people in this..and because the situation is so fucked up I actually have no idea what the 3rd person want.
My bf is reluctant for me to talk to him and therefore all of this has been taking place more in my head than in the reality. Which is completely aweful, I feel like a teenager obsessing over something that could be real but without certainty. And I once promised myself to never be in that situation again.

I have been in so much pain in the past 2 month and I can't handle it anymore, this is too complicated. Your messages have helped me to realise that for now, even if imperfect I have to let it go and we will see what tomorrow is made of.
My bf and I will also probably go to talk to someone about this, try to understand what happen and see how we could evolve in this direction in the future.

 

[GalaGirl]

You are welcome.

If you are choosing to "pass" on this one? That's fine.

Remember if you are a newbie? You don't have to act like this is the one and only time you will ever get a chance to poly and just grabbing the first person to come along. Other people do exist. There can be many "right ones." They just don't all come at the "right time." It's ok to take your time.

If this one just came at the wrong time? And you and BF have not done ANY preparation work at all? It's a good reason to pass.

Or maybe was like an "eye opener" thing but not meant to be a "long term thing?" That is ok too.

Maybe you are/were in NRE with the IDEA of polyamory. And the Dude? Well, you didn't know him that well or that long. He just represented this new idea of poly. So you thought it was specific NRE for this one dude. When you are a newbie -- these things might be hard to discern because lack of experience.

If you and BF are open to thinking about polyamory?

Invest the time in doing preparation work FIRST. It's better than jumping in and going at it all newbie clunky. Hurting yourselves and others in the process. Wagner lists that as a pitfall #1 -- lack of education.

https://practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

Some places to start reading...

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

practicalpolyamory.com

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

www.kathylabriola.com

Might also consider the opening up book.

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Mayki,

It sounds like you may have to choose between your boyfriend and the new guy from the party. It is a painful choice to have to make, but simple enough. Unless, perhaps you are hoping for suggestions on how to convince your boyfriend to let you choose both?

Or maybe this "party guy" is too much, too soon. Maybe you have already realized you are okay with choosing your boyfriend. And then maybe having more doable poly opportunities later on. No harm done, the party guy doesn't even know you were fantasizing about him.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Mayki]

Hey

Thanks for your replies!

@GalaGirl thank you so much for sending those links.
We discussed it with my bf yesterday and decided to forget about the new guy, educate ourselves and try to develop into this in the long run rather than right here, right now.

@kdt26417 you are right, it is a choice and it seems simple enough to choose my bf at this point.
The other person, I don't know that well and I know for sure he is not available for a relationship.
What I wanted with him is not even specifically enter in a new relationship but explore what it is we have sexually.
Of course I think we probably also would have developed feelings, we already did in a way.

As I said he made me feel a whole new set of feelings and desires I never had in my life and didn't even know I had in me.
It feels sad to be forced to ignore this part of me at this point.
A year ago, my bf asked me to open myself sexually, I had closed myself to my sexuality and he asked me to open or he would leave me.
So I did and well there is a lot more to it than I thought....like a whole lot more.

I am sad that in the process of finding my sexual self I now find bounderies that I cannot explore.
Somehow those dynamics I have with the new guy, I don't feel like exploring with my bf, because it is hard to change a 7yo dynamic that is more based on equality and care.
I wish it could be different.

But as you said galagirl, he is probably not the only person that will make me feel like that.
Probably right?

 

[Evie]

Probably...

In my experience, definitely.

No relationship will exactly mirror another, but reading between the lines, I've btdt, and yes, there *will* be someone else. It feels unique right now, but it's not.

I'm glad you are taking the time to open up properly so that the next time you connect with someone, there will be a much smoother path.

 

[Mayki]

It definitely does feel unique, but your answer helps me to believe in something future.

I came home tonight and decided to start reading about how to transition into a polyamory relationship. At this point it is the only thing that makes me feel like I can still develop into who I am.

I asked my bf when does he think we could start learning and he said he needed some time to heal before to go further.
On my side, I need the opposite, to heal I feel I need to have hope our relationship can evolve into something more.

So our needs are not aligned and he is asking me to be even more patient before to start doing something that feels right to me.

Is it normal that I feel like I have to do most of the concession at his point?
That I need to pause my sexual development, my self-development, forget about this person I met, forget about everything that made me feel alive and like my true self in the past month.
Now I have additionally to even wait for him to be ready to learn.

I understand he needs time but I feel I am giving everything here.
It feels frustrating and unfair to me, is there something I am missing?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Mayki,

Healthy relationships consist of a fair balance of mutual compromise. Right now, your boyfriend is asking/expecting you to compromise, while he does not compromise. This is not only unfair, it is unhealthy. Tell him he needs to do his part, and start learning about polyamory.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I mean this kindly, ok?

I think it is fair of BF to ask if you are willing to slow down some. Because he signed up for one thing and now you want to change to this other thing.

So it's on you to give him an honest answer. Can you slow down? Or not?

And if it's that you want to move a lot faster? And/or have outgrown him?

You could say "I'm sorry BF. I don't want to wait. I want to move on with it now. So... we may need to break up."

Tell him kindly and end it rather than stringing this along, saying you can wait but driving your own self crazy in the process because you didn't REALLY want to wait.

Nobody is forcing you to wait or ignore any parts of you. If YOU are choosing to do that when you don't really want to? That is YOUR behavior.

We discussed it with my bf yesterday and decided to forget about the new guy, educate ourselves and try to develop into this in the long run rather than right here, right now.

Did you agree to do this stuff with BF just because you don't want to break up?

Rather than actually wanting to wait and take a slower approach?

Be super honest with yourself when you think on that.

I give this to all my kids. I think it helps people of all ages.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

If one of your discoveries is that you outgrew this BF? Don't try to make him be something he's not just to avoid a break up. That's not doing you or him any kindness.

If poly isn't for him? You might be disappointed he won't be along for the ride in this next leg of your journey of self discovery. But letting go peacefully treats you both with honesty and respect.

I'm not getting "enthusiastic yes" vibes here from either of you. I could be wrong in my impression. But it's like

• HIM: I'm not crazy about poly... that's more than I bargained for. But I don't want to break up so...
• YOU: I discovered new stuff I'm excited to try... kink and poly things. But I don't want to leave BF behind or end it so...

Poly isn't a bandaid for a relationship that is actually better off parting ways.

I am sad that in the process of finding my sexual self I now find bounderies that I cannot explore.

Yup. If you are going to stick with this BF and he needs slower pace? You can't zoom ahead. Price of admission.

Pay it. Or don't. Up to you.

Somehow those dynamics I have with the new guy, I don't feel like exploring with my bf, because it is hard to change a 7yo dynamic that is more based on equality and care.
I wish it could be different.

Are you talking about kink? You want to go do kink things with new Dude that you don't want to do with BF? If so? Fair enough. Your body belongs to you. How you want to share it with people? That's your choice.

But as you said galagirl, he is probably not the only person that will make me feel like that.
Probably right?

Yup. Last I checked there's LOTS of people on this planet. Odds are good that you will feel attraction to other ones sooner or later.

I asked my bf when does he think we could start learning and he said he needed some time to heal before to go further. On my side, I need the opposite, to heal I feel I need to have hope our relationship can evolve into something more.

You can't start learning things on your own? You can't do some reading, listening to podcasts or whatever? Why does it have to be "we" in this poly learning? You aren't joined at the hip.
You are not copies of each other. If he needs to heal first? He can do that.

So our needs are not aligned and he is asking me to be even more patient before to start doing something that feels right to me.

Your processing styles are not the same.

And yeah. If you want to poly WITH him? You are going to have to wait before starting to poly date. And that means being patient with BF. Otherwise... if you don't like being patient and just want to move on? End it kindly. Move on.

You could choose your path and become more firm of purpose.

Is it normal that I feel like I have to do most of the concession at his point?

If you are partnered, it is normal to consider your partner and their things. Don't want to do that? Don't be partnered to that person.

You write like he's "making you" you slow down. When really? If you want to behave like you are single? Free of partnership considerations? You can end it with him and move on to do poly at whatever speed you want.

But if you want to do it with him? It doesn't matter if you can roller skate 50 mph. If he can only roller skate 10 mph? If you want to hold hands and skate with him into polyship? You have to slow some things down until he becomes a better roller skater. You pay the price of admission because you still want to be here with him.

That I need to pause my sexual development, my self-development, forget about this person I met, forget about everything that made me feel alive and like my true self in the past month.
Now I have additionally to even wait for him to be ready to learn.

I think you could stop framing it this way like being with this BF is such a drag.

Because nobody is keeping you here but you. You do not HAVE to pause.

Stop doing "Poor little old me, my partner is stopping me from doing stuff I want" kind of writing / stories to yourself. Because that will lead to resenting your partner when really? It is you keeping you here.

You seem to be experiencing inner conflict between (I just want to get on with it faster NOW) and (I want to do it with this BF in my poly network so I have to wait on his answer).

You are going to have to pick.

Own your choices. Make up your mind. Then be at peace with your choice.

I understand he needs time but I feel I am giving everything here.
It feels frustrating and unfair to me, is there something I am missing?

What do you think "fair" would look like? Are you able to articulate that?

If you want to know that he's not going to be foot dragging? Read about foot dragging and come up with some actions.

https://practicalpolyamory.com/images/14_steps_to_opening_a_relationship.pdf

Like no... you aren't going to PUSH him faster than he can go. Esp if he has some healing work to do first. But it is reasonable to expect that within X months... he will have read some articles from

https://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

or

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

www.kathylabriola.com

Or the opening up book and talk with you about it.

That's still not poly dating. But it is a show of good faith that is HE trying to learn and work on it. He IS doing the work of serious consideration. You aren't asking him to read everything by tomorrow. But neither are you sitting around waiting 5 years for him to finally read something.

Maybe you come up with other reasonable bench marks like an appointment with a poly counselor to assess if you are even compatible for doing poly together.

Then you can see it IS moving along. Even if 10 mph. And then maybe that makes waiting on him easier because you see it is moving along and not at a dead standstill.

If it turns out you can't deal with that slow pace? And no longer want to wait on him? End it kindly rather than growing resentments at his head when it is YOU keeping you here.

He cannot be something he is not any more than you could be something you are not.

Maybe that's the job YOU need to be doing right now. Your part of the work of serious contemplation for poly.

• Did you give up the Dude when you really didn't want to?
• Did you hope the BF would hurry up even when you know he is going to need more time?
• And you don't want to wait?
• Have you outgrown this BF?

Maybe that's not something you wanted to say "out loud" to yourself and why you are so hot to trot on him hurrying up faster than he can go. Because then you can avoid a break up.

Is that the root of the trouble?

It has to start with you being super honest with yourself. So... I encourage you to do your soul searching.

On my side, I need the opposite, to heal I feel I need to have hope our relationship can evolve into something more.

I could be wrong. But you seem to assume he's gonna consider and say "yes" and your relationship with him will evolve into a poly one.

Him agreeing to engage in serious consideration means willing to CONSIDER. It is not an automatic "yes."

He might do the work of consideration and say "Well, I kept my end of the deal. I learned about it. And I considered it seriously. And my answer is NO. I still don't want any poly."

Have you thought about that?

Your hope during this consideration time may have to change to something more realistic.

Like...

"To heal... I need to start learning about poly. I need to do my soul searching and come up with my answer. Then I have to wait a reasonable amount of time to hear his answer. I'm not going going to wait 5 years, but I can wait ______. That is reasonable to me.

I need to prepare for both ways. What I do next if he says yes, and what I do next if he says no."

That is a realistic hope, and more realistic preparation approach. At least to me.

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

I asked my bf when does he think we could start learning and he said he needed some time to heal before to go further
On my side, I need the opposite, to heal I feel I need to have hope our relationship can evolve into something more.

what exactly is he “ healing “ from specifically ? Seeing something or being told the depth of connection or something else ?

On your side does your healing include being pressured down this road only to be cut off ?

Is it normal that I feel like I have to do most of the concession at his point?
That I need to pause my sexual development, my self-development, forget about this person I met, forget about everything that made me feel alive and like my true self in the past month.

to me this sounds like settling. I get not wanting to swamp the boat but I don’t think it’s fair or right to bear all the concessions.

Now I have additionally to even wait for him to be ready to learn.

I think this is unreasonable. IMO she should have wanted to start the learning process the moment this all came to light Not bury his head in the sand.

I understand he needs time but I feel I am giving everything here.
It feels frustrating and unfair to me, is there something I am missing?

I think there’s tons of middle ground to work with he just needs to come to the table.

 

[Mayki]

hey you all,

Sorry for the late answer I needed time to digest a couple of things!

First of all @GalaGirl, once again you really nailed it! I read your message and couldn't agree more with all your points!
It changed everything to read your words and has really be a turning point in the issue I am experiencing.
I accepted to own my feeling and by doing so it helped me to accept my bf feelings. I suddenly understood him and we could re-establish a healthy conversation!
so big time THANK YOU!

"To heal... I need to start learning about poly. I need to do my soul searching and come up with my answer. Then I have to wait a reasonable amount of time to hear his answer. I'm not going going to wait 5 years, but I can wait ______. That is reasonable to me.

I completely agree with this.
I think I will keep growing at my pace while being patient with him.
It felt a bit like I had to slow down too, but after-all I can also have my own development within this relationship as long as I keep in mind and accept that he needs more time.
Do you think it is reasonable to give an ETA? If so, I would say a year.

I'm not getting "enthusiastic yes" vibes here from either of you. I could be wrong in my impression. But it's like

• HIM: I'm not crazy about poly... that's more than I bargained for. But I don't want to break up so...
• YOU: I discovered new stuff I'm excited to try... kink and poly things. But I don't want to leave BF behind or end it so...

Poly isn't a bandaid for a relationship that is actually better off parting ways.

And about your question about leaving him, actually I really don't want to. We have a very beautiful relationship, full of love, care, amazing communication, so few issues and yeah basically I think we are really great together.
I think I want to see if we can grow together before to part.
But as you said, if at the end of the "trial" we are not compatible, I think it might be the best option to part ways.
But we need to try first, him and I are willing to see if we can keep being compatible and grow together.

Maybe that's the job YOU need to be doing right now. Your part of the work of serious contemplation for poly.

• Did you give up the Dude when you really didn't want to?
• Did you hope the BF would hurry up even when you know he is going to need more time?
• And you don't want to wait?
• Have you outgrown this BF?

here you actually pose problematic questions, because I feel like my answers go the opposite of the decision I made.
I indeed really don't want to let the dude go and I indeed might have a hard time being patient...
But does that means I have to give up straight away on my relationship, I still don't think so.
Maybe I have to learn how to handle my frustration.
If you know how, I'm interested!

I also thought I need to give some perspective to my feelings for the dude, in the end this fantasy I have with him is well, a fantasy. It exist in my head more than in reality. Maybe focusing on reality and looking at how things really are can be helpful here.
This dude is a person that I probably have so few in common and from what I saw I am not sure he would treat me in a way I like.
still...huge chemistry and fantasy but I might very well be disappointed.
here again, if you have some tips on how to handle those situation, I am more than interested!

what exactly is he “ healing “ from specifically ? Seeing something or being told the depth of connection or something else ?

@dingedheart thanks a lot for your message too!
to answer your question, I think he needs to heal from the fact that I want so bad to pursue this feelings I have with the dude.
I think that I wanted to pursue it SO BAD made him feel like our relationship was less important to me.
He also is hurt by the fact that I desire someone else so much.
It is something he is generally struggling with, I think he feels I am not attracted to him anymore.


@Evie Thank you so much for your message too!
It helped to give some perspective to the situation
As you said right now it doesn't feel like something like this will come along again but you are right, it probably will.
Maybe not exactly the same, maybe even better.
It's hard to believe it but seeing it written helped to gain some perspective!


Thank you so much again you all, it has been so incredibly helpful and eye opening!

 

[GalaGirl]

It changed everything to read your words and has really be a turning point in the issue I am experiencing. I accepted to own my feeling and by doing so it helped me to accept my bf feelings. I suddenly understood him and we could re-establish a healthy conversation!
so big time THANK YOU!

Glad it helped some. Whether or not you continue on to poly with this BF, you might consider detangling and being responsible for your own emotional management and not intertwining it with someone else's. Enmeshed couples aren't healthy.

If you and BF want to agree to have a year's time to prepare and really consider if you can do a poly V? Fair enough. That's what you agree on.

Gives you both time to do your personal work and consider poly. At the end of the year if it is still at the place where you want to move on to do poly and he doesn't want any? You part ways peacefully.

That's reasonable enough. Neither one is spending 10 years on the fence about it.

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

Mayki :
“to answer your question, I think he needs to heal from the fact that I want so bad to pursue this feelings I have with the dude.
I think that I wanted to pursue it SO BAD made him feel like our relationship was less important to me.
He also is hurt by the fact that I desire someone else so much.
It is something he is generally struggling with, I think he feels I am not attracted to him anymore.”

I would suggest you have rather tough conversation on the specifics. Thinking or surmising is all well and good however it still allows everyone to skirt the issues.

Also healing might have very different means to both of you. Hypothetically healing for him to put time and distance from the situation and hope you change your mind or attitude. Does healing mean rationalizing the hard truth?
Does he actually know the hard truth in terms of being told how that guy made you feel like never before. “ He woke a whole new type of sexuality that I had no idea I had in me.” Or is this drawn from inference?

i think having a few hard conversations now might save everyone involved a yr of time because as soon as things start up again ( or whatever ) these same issues will be there. Meaning NRE driven desire for a new partner …the demotion or displacement. The loss of top dog sexual status, etc.