I am sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for airing out some.
What sorts of things can we do to make a more equitable split because I feel like I'm pushing the boulder uphill so she can live her best life, and while I'm willing to do it to make her happy, I don't want to get to the point where all the hard stuff is always on me
I get concerned when I read about people doing stuff to make other people happy.
What do you do to make your own self happy? It's ok to want to contribute to a partner's well being. But you come first. Not them. Not like in a "selfish" way. But in a self care way.
In the morning? I'm going to pee and take care of me first. Before I helping anyone else around here figure out breakfast or find socks. I can care about them, but nope. Attending to me first.
Are you able to say "I love you a lot, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me?"
Are you bending yourself into pretzels to do something you don't really want to be doing?
Are are you doing stuff that hurts you just to avoid a break up?
Mono-poly can work, but be sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Otherwise it's just as messed up as a poly person doing mono to "make my partner happy" but then hurting their ownselves by getting in a box they don't want to be in. Are YOU in a box you don't want to be in?
If you are willing, just that you are struggling with transition? It's ok to be going through a grief period. The old normal is gone. The new normal is not here yet.
This isn't like "Just like before, just with more people." This is more like "We broke up on purpose. Even if we didn't legally divorce, we let the old 1:1 relationship model go. We've rewritten our vows. In order to build this NEW poly model."
So there's going to be some break up grief, feelings of loss, adjustments and transitions to get through.
How each person handles it? All people are different and have different skills.
Like if you already know softball, changing to baseball might not be a huge leap. Some changes, yes, but enough familiar things so the transition is not entirely foreign. But if you never played a sport in your life, learning baseball is going to be tougher.
If you've dealt with grief before? This grief is easier to navigate. You know what comforts you and what does not. If you never had grief as an adult? This grief is not just this grief. It is a combo of "first adult grief ever" PLUS "This specific grief."
So maybe take a look at one thing at a time. Did you make a decent transition plan or is it kinda winging it and bumping into stuff a lot?
I have to disentangle myself.
Why is this? Were you too enmeshed before when practicing monogamy? Anyone here codependent?
Some couples are really joined at the hip. And that's not healthy in monogamy. So it would have been a problem then too. It's not just a problem in poly. But poly does have a way of shining a light on things.
I have to constantly communicate my feelings
Why constant?
What was communication like before? Was it at a healthy level?
Were you relying on partner just knowing stuff? Or taking some things for granted? Or partner being your only emotional support person?
Is poly bringing to light that you need a bigger emotional support system?
I have to accept the fact that our marriage as it stood for 10+ years is gone and now we're in a new version of it.
Yes. Broke up on purpose to start a new relationship model. Did you spent enough time living into that WITHOUT new poly dating in the mix? Or did you open up too fast and didn't do enough healing from the break up first? So now it's like dealing with two dings at the same time, instead of one first, then the other?
I have to deal with bouts of jealousy and sadness
Understandable to be sad if you are grieving a loss.
Jealousy to me is being afraid someone else will take away something I have. What are you jealous about?
What prep work did you both do?
Have you read about
poly hell? Any of that going on with you?
How about changing
core beliefs Any of those pinging? And do you even want to change them? Or do you want to keep them as is, and you are struggling to accept that you and spouse are growing in different directions?
To her it's all the same and she can't understand why I feel its different.
Well, are you each able to articulate your POV? I am going to guess. I might guess wrong.
Maybe she views it "the same" like "I have to do my adjustments and you have to do yours." So even though not the same kind of personal work in specific skills, you each have to be doing
some. So the same in that sense.
Or like on the detangling thing... If it existed before as an issue? And it exists now? Maybe that's "the same" to her.
But on your end? It's
different. Because now she's going out. And you have time by yourself you didn't use to. So you kinda have to look at it in the face and deal with it in a way you didn't before. But now you do... so "different."
Is it like that?
I do not understand DH's obsession with model WWIII planes. I accept he loves them. I know that's not the same thing. But reflect on your need. Does she really have to understand that it is different? Or would you like her to just accept that it is different for you?
What behavior would you like her to do different?
Here's list of needs. Maybe that helps you articulate.
What sorts of things can we do to make a more equitable split because I feel like I'm pushing the boulder uphill so she can live her best life, and while I'm willing to do it to make her happy, I don't want to get to the point where all the hard stuff is always on me
Well, what IS the hard stuff in this situation? You don't actually list.
Do you each have your own finances? Or at least yours, hers, and then joint house so her poly dates are sucking up joint house things like the rent or mortgage payment?
Do you each have your own fair share of chores in the home? And not like she goes off on dates and skips doing her chores dumping them in your lap?
Is there other stuff like that to list?
What's she doing now? What would you like her to do instead? Are your requests reasonable and rational? How about expectations? Are those reasonable and rational?
I don't know if any of that helps. I am sorry you are having a hard time right now though.
Galagirl