Husband feeling left out

Photonsun

New member
Hello,

For context, we opened our relationship over a year ago. We're not in a rush or anything, and taking things slowly so we can learn at our own pace. While I had 2 one-off dates and a long distance relationship, my husband has had no success. I suspect there are two reasons: it’s more difficult for a partnered man to find another woman willing to date, and he has put way less time and effort into dating.

For the past 4 months I’ve been in a new relationship, closer to home, and it’s going well. We meet 2 to 3 times a month. Sometimes overnight, sometimes for an evening at the theatre, it depends. These dates are planned around our lives, so it’s smooth and not disruptive.

Seeing that it’s going well, my husband told me he’s feeling envious of my current relationship and is feeling left out/not involved. While I understand those feelings can happen and are normal, what I can’t understand is that he’s been feeling this way for the past 1.5 months, to the point he’s moody nearly every day. For instance, I’m meeting my date in two weeks and he’s already started to feel moody about it.

In the past, he has expressed wanting to try a threesome and I’d be happy to try too, when we find the right person and the energy is there. But it’s unlikely to happen with my current relationship. We talked about it. It's something he was hoping for, but knew from the beginning it was unlikely to happen. I say unlikely because we know that circumstances and people can change. Opening up our relationship was to first experience on our own and explore our attraction to people, as well as different forms of intimacy (building up to poly, rather than open).

So I guess there’s a bit of that, and having had no success in online dating. Overall disappointment, perhaps? I said he needed to be patient and focus on his online dating.

Besides that, we make sure to spend quality time together. We plan lunches. We talk about his feelings. When I see him moody, I initiate the talk to understand what is going on. I express my love and commitment to him. I’m sharing articles/books; supporting him in updating his online dating profile; and trying other avenues. I’m trying different things to lift him up because I’m having difficulties pinpointing the core of the issue. Is it jealousy, envy, insecurity?

I'm not sure what else we can do. Does it just needs more time? It feels like I’m getting the benefits of a polyamorous lifestyle and he’s being left behind. I’d like him to put more effort into it, rather than being moody and complaining. ;)
 
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What additional effort do you think he could make? What isn't he doing?
I’d like him to work on himself to accept that this is a temporary feeling and not share his bitterness (if that’s the right descriptor) with me, or not so often, at least. It impacts my self confidence and I am starting to feel slightly guilty. I know that is also a temporary feeling and something I’m working on.

I’d like him to put more effort in reading about poly in general and find ways to help himself, come forward with ideas and suggestions, things we could do as a couple, not me initiating help and support. Part of it has to come from him too.

I don’t know if it’s reasonable, and if it is something that just need time, patience and love to get better.
 
I’d like him to work on himself to accept that this is a temporary feeling and not share his bitterness (? If that’s the right descriptor) with me (not so often at least). It impacts my self confidence and I have slightly starting to feel guilty (that I know is also a temporary feeling and something I’m working on).
I’d like him to put more effort in reading about poly in general and find ways to help himself, come forward with ideas and suggestions, things we could do as a couple, not me initiating help and support. Part of it has to come from him too.

I don’t know if it’s reasonable and if it is something that just need time, patience and love to get better.
This sounds reasonable. I am new to poly, while my primary partner has a lot more experience, so much that he thinks he knows everything. 🤣 I get a lot out of reading polyamory books and listening to podcasts. Doing this together would help with some of our discussion and would be a good resource when needed.

My J has the same feeling about not having a partner right now. I do try to help with him finding a partner, but ultimately think that it is his responsibility to make the effort. When it is not successful, it is not my/your fault!

Best to you!!! Candie
 
I’d like him to work on himself to accept that this is a temporary feeling and not share his bitterness (? If that’s the right descriptor) with me (not so often at least).
How do you know these negative emotions are temporary? Do you think that the distraction of another partner would make everything okay/ good/great?

It impacts my self confidence and I am starting to feel guilty...

Why not work on you not feeling guilty? Toughen up. Don’t let his bullshit in. Sometime you have to let the babies cry it out.

I’d like him to put more effort in reading about poly in general and find ways to help himself, come forward with ideas and suggestions, things we could do as a couple, not me initiating help and support. Part of it has to come from him too.
Maybe by you doing so much he‘s not in the habit of fending for himself. I think both need to read the detangling article. You’re not a cosponsor of his outside relationships. Are you going to pick out his clothes and make sure he showers before dates? I think you need to cut the cord here.
I don’t know if it’s reasonable and if it is something that just need time, patience and love to get better.
You might want to have a talk with him about what his expectations were going in. I mean that in terms of where your marriage or partnership/relationship would go and what benefits outside relationships would offer, outside of sexual variety. Maybe realty is quite different than the expectation. Ee know on the dating front it’s been tough, but how things have evolved on the other front might be worth looking into.
 
Hi Photonsun,

You are right, poly men do find it harder to find poly women to date. And it certainly doesn't help if your husband isn't giving it much effort. I would add that online dating isn't the only avenue he could pursue. He could also do live activities (clubs, classes, concerts, etc.) that would get him out of the house, and afford him opportunities to make new friends. When you make a new friend, there's a chance that the friendship could evolve into something more in the future. Just a thought.

I hope you guys can work it out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
How do you know these negative emotions are temporary? You think that the distraction of another partner would make everything OK/good/great ?



Why not work on you not feeling guilty? Toughen up. Don’t let his bullshit in. Sometimes you have to let the babies cry it out.
Maybe by you doing so much he‘s not in the habit of fending for himself. I think both need to read the detangling article. You’re not a cosponsor of his outside relationships. Are you going to pick out his clothes and make sure he showers before dates? I think you need to cut the cord here.

You might want to have a talk with him on what his expectations were going in. I mean that in terms of where your marriage or partnership/ relationship would go AND where and what benefits outside relationships would offer outside of sexual variety. Maybe realty is quite different than the expectation…we know on the dating front it’s been tough but how things have evolved on the other front might be worth looking into.
Emotions come and go. They don't define the person. How can another partner be a distraction? Another partner means (self) growth. He wants that growth, and I'll be happy for him when he gets to experience it.

It might even be possible that the moment he starts working on his feelings, his outlook will change and bring him more positivity.

I'm tough, been through much worse in life. The feeling of guilt is not strong, but new, so I'm working on it. Self-confidence is a weak spot, especially when navigating through something new. I'm looking at/doing things I can to help, but of course there's a limit. The rest is up to him.

He's perfectly capable of fending for himself. And I'm too independent. I'm probably acting more as a 'coach' at the moment. But taking his hand to walk him to a date after picking up his clothes and making sure he showered? Haha, my mind is picturing something very funny ;) neither of us would accept that.

Thanks for these points, it's a good reminder that expectations need to be discussed regularly, because circumstances and feelings change. We will go for that talk sooner than later.
 
Hi Photonsun,

You are right, poly men do find it harder to find poly women to date. And it certainly doesn't help if your husband isn't giving it much effort. I would add that online dating isn't the only avenue he could pursue. He could also do live activities (clubs, classes, concerts, etc.) that would get him out of the house, and afford him opportunities to make new friends. When you make a new friend, there's a chance that the friendship could evolve into something more in the future. Just a thought.

I hope you guys can work it out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Yes, that is something we can consider. We both have looked at poly meetups but nothing interesting came up, which is weird because we live in a capital. I want to have a look at this again. Going the more traditional way of meeting outside for activities is a good one and I'll suggest that he tries with something he likes. He's really good at making new friends.
 
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This sounds reasonable. I am new to poly, while my primary partner has a lot more experience. I get a lot out of reading polyamory books and listening to podcasts. Doing this together would help with some of our discussion and would be a good resource when needed.

My J has the same feeling about not having a partner right now. I do try to help with him finding a partner, but ultimately it is his responsibility to make the effort. When it is not successful that it is not my/your fault!
I like how you worded that. "It is his responsibility to make the effort, and when it is not successful it is not my fault." It is a good reminder that ultimately I'm not responsible for his actions.
 
Because feelings / emotions come and go, they don't define the person.
I'm not sure how you connect a negative thought or feeling to defining a person who has that thought or feeling. If he invest lots of time, money and energy into poly and dating and has little to no success and still feels left behind, wouldn't that be valid and not necessarily defining as a person?

How can another partner be a distraction?
Not uncommon for some people to date on the same night or date in general to distract from dwelling thoughts while their spouse is off on a date, or to have that unspoken parity and equal amount of activity. The busier you are, the less time you have to dwell on stuff.

Another partner means (self) growth.
Really? Is this his philosophy or something you both are aspiring to? I guess I'd need to know how you’re defining self growth. Some relationships and love affairs are super easy and fun, exciting, rewarding. How much self-growth is there? Some are more challenging, difficult, perplexing and drive you crazy mentally and with chemical passion. But is it automatic? I never enter a relationship for self growth, at least not knowingly.

He wants that growth, and I'll be happy for him when he gets to experience it.
Can he give an example of what that means for him? Has he not dated very much prior to you?

It might even be possible that the moment he starts working on his feelings, his outlook will change and bring him more positivity.

Very likely.
I'm tough, been through much worse in life. The feeling of guilt is not strong but new, so I'm working on it.
I meant toughen up and not let his moodiness and complaining affect you. You should feel confidant that you have nothing to feel guilty about. With complete confidence there will be no guilt.
Self-confidence is a weak spot, especially when navigating through something new. I'm doing things to help, but of course there's a limit.
More up to him than you. I’d say work on your confidence and let him worry about the rest.

He's perfectly capable of fending for himself.
Then let him.
I'm too independent. I'm probably acting more as a 'coach' at the moment. But taking his hand to walk him to a date after picking up his clothes and making sure he showered? I'm picturing something very funny. Neither of us would accept that.
Does he think he needs a coach? Is he coachable? I was a coach for youth sports. Some kids/people are coachable and some are not.

I wish you both luck.
 
Hi Photonsun,

You mentioned that he is good at making new friends. This could be a huge asset for him out there in the dating/social world. Maybe online dating isn't so much his jam?

Just thinking out loud,
Kevin T.
 
I have been noticing more and more how younger people (millennials and younger) spend so much time online... playing games, on discord, posting or scrolling on tiktok or instagram, etc., that it's pretty much become a replacement for real face-to-face interactions. Ugh. Why spend all your time in the US talking to someone in Europe that you will probably never meet, when you might find someone within 20 miles you could actually touch? But that could be one problem with dating being hard-- people not leaving their screens.
 
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