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Roxygirl

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Hi,

My husband and I are about 9 months into polyamory. I started out with 2 partners, but one was just sex and the other was just play, no sex. I wanted an emotional connection.

My husband couldn’t find anyone for a few months. He then found this lady that is a counselor. They are the same age. I’m 23 years younger than my husband.

I found a partner that fit everything I needed, and then, out of nowhere, after strongly bonding emotionally, he said he couldn’t date. He had personal issues.

Now my husband has found this lady partner and she has HSV2. I’m clean. She always tries to counsel our relationship.

She wants to see him more. We agreed to every other weekend, but now he wants more time with her.

I’m scared to sleep with my husband for fear I will get HSV2, and guys I’ve told about my husband's partner run away. As a result, I can’t find a partner. So I’ve given up. But I'm jealous that my husband has a partner and I don’t. We have kids and our relationship isn’t working well, yet he still asked for 2 weekends in a row.

I'm so lost… I'm hoping I can find some advice here! Thanks y’all for listening.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Greetings Roxygirl,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I'm sorry about your predicament. It is not fair for your husband to have a partner when you don't have a partner. Your husband is deep in NRE with this counselor lady, and he is trying to spend as much time with her as possible. He is not thinking straight; he needs to spend more time working on his relationship with you.

I looked at your other thread and responded there briefly, I think you may have better luck finding a partner if you get out there and meet some people in real life. I can sense that you are feeling frustrated; I hope your luck improves.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 
Hi Roxy. That sounds tough. If you want more responses, I can move your thread to the Relationships section. You'll probably get more responses there. Let me know.

Might I suggest some paragraph breaks to make your post more readable for our members? Some people won't even read a wall of text. You only have 12 hours to edit, but I can make paragraphs for you.
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi Roxy. That sounds tough. If you want more responses, I can move your thread to the Relationships section. You'll probably get more responses there. Let me know.

Might I suggest some paragraph breaks to make your post more readable for our members? Some people won't even read a wall of text. You only have 12 hours to edit, but I can make paragraphs for you.
Click to expand...
Ok yeah, sure, thanks. I’m not good at writing. At least there was punctuation. And you can move it. I’m new to this site so I don't know how to navigate it yet. Sorry.
 
Roxygirl said:
Ok yeah, sure, thanks. I’m not good at writing. At least there was punctuation. And you can move it.
Click to expand...
No problem at all!
 
The STI issue is tricky, yes, because everyone should be open about such things but at the same time it will scare some people away. That's difficult for you for sure.

Your husband's partner counseling your relationship, however, seems out of bounds. For one thing, she's only getting one side (unless you are talking to her too?). Obviously, people can't just turn off the skills they have, but that seems inappropriate and unprofessional. I'm dating someone who is a professional who helps people with relationship issues. However, she does not give me advice on my own relationships (including our own). I mean, we talk about these things, like anyone would, but she doesn't make pronouncements or use her expertise against me. You have every right to ask her to stop doing that.
 
Hi! Thank you for responding. I’ve tried to talk to her, but she doesn’t like how forward I am about things. She’s also the type of person that thinks only bad stuff and never sees the positive. She also has like 32 years of experience and threw all that in my face a lot through my husband, and treats me like I’m 13.

I’m so new and I’m trying to figure this out, but she will say stuff like “Your text is unwelcome” and “You control your husband.” (My husband has severe ADD and has a hard time planning, making plans, watching time. I have to keep him “on schedule,” so to speak.) She doesn’t seem to understand this, and when I try to text to clear the air because my husband had said something wrong, she won’t read or respond for days.
 
Hi Roxygirl,

Wow, your husband's other partner (the counselor) sounds like a royal pain in the keister! Is there any way you can stop interacting with her altogether? Just deal with your husband, without involving her. He has shown poor judgment in choosing her as a partner, but that is for him to worry about. You just negotiate for him to see to your needs, and let him worry about if/how that affects his relationship with her.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Wow, your husband's other partner (the counselor) sounds like a royal pain in the keister! Is there any way you can stop interacting with her altogether? Just deal with your husband, without involving her. He has shown poor judgment in choosing her as a partner, but that is for him to worry about. You just negotiate for him to see to your needs, and let him worry about if/how that affects his relationship with her.
Click to expand...
Idk. I'd love to not interact with her, but unfortunately, he tells her EVERYTHING! And my reactions to things upset her. So he’s working on it himself. But for now, I’m controlling and liar. He got a weekend confused and said I had plans for two days, when it was only for one. And she then thought it was me sabotaging their meeting.
 
It sounds like your husband is a "sloppy hinge." He doesn't know how to keep his relationships separate. You can ask him to not talk to her anymore about you, and you can certainly tell him to stop talking to you about her. But he may or may not honor your wishes (possibly because of his ADD). You are in a sucky situation, I feel for you.
 
Yeah, I asked him not to talk about me with her, but he does. We're still new to this, much for us both to learn. It’s why I’m on here, trying to get advice. Thank you for responding. So very helpful.
 
No problem, I hope you get things sorted out.
 
Yeah, you deserve to have another partner too.
 
Roxygirl said:
My husband and I are about 9 months into poly. I started out with 2 partners, but one was just sex and the other was just play, no sex. I wanted an emotional connection.

My husband couldn’t find anyone for a few months. He then found this lady, who is a counselor. They are the same age. I’m 23 years younger than my husband.

I found a partner that fit everything I needed, and then, out of nowhere, after strongly bonding emotionally, he said he couldn’t date. He had personal issues.

Now my husband has found this lady partner. She has HSV2. I’m clean. She always tries to counsel our relationship.

She wants to see him more. We agreed to every other weekend, but now he wants more time with her.

I’m scared to sleep with my husband in fear I will get HSV2 and guys I’ve told about my husband's partner run away. As a result, I can’t find a partner. So I’ve given up. But I'm jealous that my husband has a partner and I don’t. We have kids and our relationship isn’t working well, yet he still asked for 2 weekends in a row.
Click to expand...
Does your husband wear a condom? Do you have an agreement about safer sex practices?
 
How have your husband and his gf been dating?
How long have they been have sex or being intimate enough to transmit the virus?
How often is your husband tested for HSv2 and/or other STIs?
Is the GF married and/or with other partners?
How big is this network?
How experienced is she in poly relationships?
Do you think he’s going down a NRE-fueled rabbit hole ?
 
They’ve been dating for a couple months.
They’ve had sex once.
He's about to get tested for HSV-2 next week.
He’s in line to go see her next weekend.
And no, the NRE relationship has kind of fizzled out; it’s more like NRE sexual relationship, if that’s even a thing.
She’s married with another partner.
We’ve been open for about nine months now.
We’re still learning.
 
Roxygirl said:
They’ve been dating for a couple months. They’ve only had sex once. He is about to get tested for HSV-2 next week. He’s in line to go see her next weekend.
Click to expand...

I guess it’s time for you to become an expert on herpes. And yeah, I see your point. What does a clean test really mean if you're diving right back into that pool a few days later?

Roxygirl said:
The NRE relationship has kind of fizzled out; it’s more like NRE sexual relationship, if that’s even a thing.
Click to expand...
I’d say it’s a thing. Actually it could be a really big thing.
Roxygirl said:
She’s married with another partner. We’ve been open for about nine months now. We’re still learning.
Click to expand...
How long have she and her husband been open?
Does her husband and other partner have multiple partners?
If so, do any of them have herpes down there?
Didn't Michael Douglas blame his throat cancer on this, or was that something else?
 
Umm... I believe they have been open for, like, 23 years.
Her husband doesn’t have partners.
Her partner doesn’t either, I believe.
She just has herpes. She says she’s never passed it over to any of her previous 19 partners.
 
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