The “sex positive community” has become quite negative

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Polycouple69

New member
Hello everyone,

I just need to vent something regarding something that happened to us, and maybe pick your brains for advice.

We have been poly for about five years and it has been a very positive experience, for the most part. We have made great connections with great people. Being based in NYC, we said, Why not join a poly friendly community? So we applied to several. We were denied membership by all of them. We brushed it off initially, thinking these organizations had too many applicants at the time or simply didn’t review our applications.

We ended up meeting another couple at a Brooklyn munch who happened to be members of one of those organizations. They essentially suggested my husband was “too ugly." They said that they monetize their events and play parties, so they don’t want “ugly or overweight guys” running around, because they want to attract more female clientele. We ended up joking about it and had a good brunch. But I know my husband was deeply hurt by this.

My husband is a big husky guy. He has a dad bod but also lifts a lot of weights. He has a scar in his right cheek from an accident he had as a kid and has gone through a lot of therapy for his self image. He is also madly intelligent. We met in residency when he was the chief resident and then an attending doctor. I love him to death and I hate to see him like this. He doesn’t want to meet any more people, doesn’t want to go out., just wants to stay home and is even talking about leaving the lifestyle.

We had a Feeld profile some time ago and we cancelled it because of similar issues. People have become very cruel, especially in the polyamory community, when it comes to beauty standards. Why do so many narcissistic psychopaths want to be polyamorous all of a sudden??? Isn’t our community supposed be all about love, inclusion and healing?
 
I find this reprehensible. A community should be based on character, not looks or body type. I could see if it was a swinging group (still not okay, but it happens). I do think in big cities, like NY and LA, people, in general, are very superficial. I’m sorry you are experiencing this. To be frank, it says A LOT MORE about them than it does your husband. Your husband is not too ”ugly or overweight” for them. They are too shallow and self centered for you. You wouldnt want to hang out with people like that anyway! Don’t give up though, not everyone is like that. He might miss out in finding someone amazing! Poly people come in all shapes and sizes. Don’t shrink your mind to fit into someones shallow box…expand it to find the ones that share your values!
 
Wow. Sure, I'm from a tiny town in a tiny country, and even our capital is tiny, but no-one is turned away from poly meet ups, ever. I don't understand why poly-friendly communities would have applications. It really does sound like you've been approaching swinger groups.

If I were you, I'd start my own polyamory munch. Stick up an event on Fetlife (it's got the widest reach) or pop some notices in coffee shops, and just let anyone show up. However you found out about these groups you've been applying to, use the same platforms but make your own. Just get people meeting casually, a garden bar with great tapas perhaps. As you said, you're looking for polyamorous connections. Sex positive doesn't mean sex now.
 
Evie said:
Wow. Sure, I'm from a tiny town in a tiny country, and even our capital is tiny, but no-one is turned away from poly meet ups, ever. I don't understand why poly-friendly communities would have applications. It really does sound like you've been approaching swinger groups.

If I were you, I'd start my own polyamory munch. Stick up an event on Fetlife (it's got the widest reach) or pop some notices in coffee shops, and just let anyone show up. However you found out about these groups you've been applying to, use the same platforms but make your own. Just get people meeting casually, a garden bar with great tapas perhaps. As you said, you're looking for polyamorous connections. Sex positive doesn't mean sex now.
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I get how it might look like swinging groups. But one of them www.wearehacienda.com specifically advertises to polyamorous people.

We did dodge a bullet though, Hacienda in Brooklyn has some horrific sexual abuse allegations.
 
I'm sorry this is happening/happened to you. I hope spouse doesn't take it too personally just because others are being asshats.

There are no applications here. If you feel like attending a poly meetup/munch/whatever, go ahead. You want to sign up for the email notifications? Go ahead. You want to take a free or drop-in class, or discussion group? Go ahead.

If you want to take a class series or workshop with special guest speaker Whatsit, THAT'S when you need to register ahead of time, to save your slot and pay a tuition fee to help defray the cost of getting the guest speaker to come. I find that fair enough when there are speaker fees to pay.

But I also have this expectation that some groups are just gonna be prissy/clique-y/gatekeeping, due to past experiences, just because the organizer(s) want(s) it that way.

Even the baby/toddler play groups! Years ago, I had to walk away from a Queen Bee lah-di-dah lady, who wanted to run a "baby country club." She wanted applications and fees and all this stuff, when it boiled down to, "Who wants to meet up regularly on Tuesdays at the playground so the kids can play and the moms can chat for an hour?" She wanted people to apply so she could "approve" them, and charge fees to have "club shirts." I was like, "For what? To sit in the playground? Can't we just wear play clothes?" I joined different groups back then instead.

When I make my own groups for things, I don't run them like that, all clique-y weird. It happens with all ages, all kinds of groups, though. There are group leaders who have the skills and desire to run actually inclusive groups. And then there are leaders to who want to have groups to fuel their own egos.

I've had it the other way too. I was running an actually inclusive group where people volunteered and gave what could, when they could, to come early to set up chairs, stay late to clean up, bring a snack once in a while, etc. Some potentials came to check us out a few times and took off in a huff BECAUSE we were inclusive.

One wanted the "country club experience" at "free/donations welcome" prices. She turned up her nose because someone brought Country Crock Lemonade to mix up, someone else brought generic brand Oreos, and she wanted/expected organic Panera catering and free childcare, or something.

People are sometimes weird. I'm sorry you bumped into that, though.

Isn’t our community supposed be all about love, inclusion and healing?
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I'm not sure that's realistic. Where IS this poly community you speak of? As a whole, I find my expectation to be: "People are people. The poly community is just gonna be a smaller slice of same pie." Like out in the world, there are some nice people, some not nice. In a smaller slice community, it's the same: some are nice people, some are not.
 
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I followed your link. It screams TNG (under 35) kink club (from the photos, if not the text), not all-comer polyamory community.

Again, if you can't find it, build it.
 
Hello Polycouple69,

Sorry to hear what you went through, I am surprised that any poly groups would act that way. There is nothing wrong with your husband, he should not be rejected from joining any groups just because of his looks. For what it's worth, we (the V I belong to) used to be members of a poly group in Albuquerque, and we were never treated badly or rejected. I just assumed that the same could be said for poly groups in any major city; apparently I was wrong.

I hope you have better luck in the future.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Yeah, that Hacienda place does look like a swinger or kink club, with an "atmosphere of beauty." Even though they say they accept people of all ages and body types, obviously that's a lie. The group photo there is full of people who all seem to be under 40, and everyone is draped all over each other, wearing sexy fetish gear, like they're about to engage in a big orgy. That's not polyamory to me.

I've been actively poly since 2009 here in Massachusetts and I've only engaged with people in perfectly (contemporary) traditional dating ways, chat online, meet for dinner, maybe sex on the second or third date if there's a click. I've had a few threesomes and one foursome, but only with people I knew quite well and trusted. My one-on-one sex experiences far far outnumber my group sex experiences.

I've never belonged to an irl poly community, although most of my friends are queer and poly just because we share those qualities. I've made my friends one by one, not by joining a big readymade group.

I can see why a place like Hacienda would end up with sexual abuse in its ranks. It's the perfect place for predators to go for victims.

I once dated a guy who had been into the "kink lifestyle" when he was younger. After we'd been dating a while, I agreed to go to an actual kink club with him in Providence RI. While they were happy to take our money at the door, I found that only the younger people were playing, flogging, fucking, and the older people were standing around fully clothed, talking, and just watching the young people out of the corners of their eyes. My partner and I went to a semi private room to have a little fun. No one offered to join us. A couple people watched and cheered us on a bit. As we left, the owners asked if we had fun, and after we unenthusiastically said yes, they told us it was an "off night." Hmm...

Polyamory isn't a "lifestyle," (we don't need or want code words like swingers and kinksters seem to) and it doesn't imply group sex, or going to clubs to "discover your sexuality" (as Hacienda's page says). You can be asexual and polyamorous.

The fact that you said you and your husband, "we," had a profile, implies that you're thinking with a swinger mindset. You might be unicorn hunters, expecting to find a hot bi babe to share. I'd recommend dating independently. Of course, women will get hit on more often, but it's just as hard for women to find a proper partner as it is for guys (because most guys that hit on poly women are just looking for an quick hookup). Men need to write really good profiles, have several well-shot pictures of themselves, and be caring, interesting, good listeners, and charming when they first start chatting back and forth.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Well, especially in my younger days, much of my "poly socialising" was done in environments much like these. With partners, to meet new partners, to indulge in some group activity with partners or other people or a mix.
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Did you folks have to fill out applications to do that?
 
ref2018 said:
Did you folks have to fill out applications to do that?
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Depends on the venue. A lot of the queer and/or kinky events I went to were very restrictive about who they let in and how you gain entrance. And a lot of the people present were some flavour of ENM including all types of poly people.

I still do the same thing, less since covid. Ita just now I do it outside of that kind of event and more in smaller parties with people I know and people they know.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Depends on the venue. A lot of the queer and/or kinky events I went to were very restrictive about who they let in and how you gained entrance.
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Was that based on looks, weight, age, certain beauty standards, or more on whether the applicant was a known predator, or at least an annoying person with no respect for physical boundaries and other "swinging etiquette"?
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
And a lot of the people present were some flavour of ENM, including all types of poly people.
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Sure. Some go to these as mono couples, just to get turned on by watching, and then play in a private room, or go home to have sex. Others want to actually engage with people other than their primary partner/Master/Miss.

It's fine to go to swinging, kink, straight or queer orgy-type spaces, if that's your thing. But I can see how in places like NYC and LA, where there is a plethora of conventionally-beautiful slender, fit people, that the gatekeeping could be intense.

Where do people with aging bodies (scars, stretch marks, loose skin from pregnancy or weight loss, etc.) go to meet other poly people? I think that is the OP's question. Where do handicapped people go? Where do people go who don't want to (or can't) parade around in a leather harness, pasties, a thong and some crazy high-heeled shoes?

Polyamory is a brand-new movement, relatively speaking. Swinging has been around at least since the 1960s. Cheating of course has been around forever. BDSM has exploded since the internet got going. Kink clubs are actually illegal in my state of Massachusetts, but are legal in Rhode Island, so lots of kinksters into the group scene and a certain kind of networking go there.

I'm not sure the OP is into BDSM, but Fetlife has event announcements all the time. Not every play space or networking space is going to have super stringent beauty/age standards (despite falsely advertising otherwise).
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I still do the same thing (but less since Covid.) Just now I do it outside of that kind of event and more in smaller parties, with people I know and people they know.
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Magdlyn said:
Was that based on looks, weight, age, certain beauty standards, or more on whether the applicant was a known predator, or at least an annoying person with no respect for physical boundaries and other "swinging etiquette"?
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Strict fetish dress code and visibly queer appearance. They'd make their resident predators feel welcome, but wouldn't take new ones!

For some people, they felt the gatekeeping was to the point of discrimination because how you look would determine your entrance. At the very least, you'd have to appear gender non-conforming if not radical.

People who didn't want to meet those standards would be told to go elsewhere.
 
Strict fetish dress code and visibly queer appearance. For some people, they felt the gatekeeping was to the point of discrimination, because how you looked would determine your entrance. At the very least, you'd have to appear gender non-conforming, if not radical. People who didn't want to meet those standards would be told to go elsewhere.
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So every single person would have to look... androgynous somehow? If a someone wore a dress, they'd have to have a full beard? If someone wore a men's suit, they'd have to wear lipstick? Lol. I'm sorry. That image is kind of funny to me. It sounds like a club strictly for non-binary people. How many of these are in your city to make this club worthwhile? :p

I keep coming up with images in my head of how queers could adhere to this dress code without going deep into gender dysphoria.

They'd make their resident predators feel welcome, but wouldn't take new ones!
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Girl, bye! Rotflmao
 
I think that is the OP's question. Where do people go who don't want to (or can't) parade around in a leather harness, pasties, a thong and some crazy high-heeled shoes?
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I gathered that OP's issue was more that this is what they did want to be doing, but were being gate-kept out of such spaces because of an unspoken aesthetic requirement that at least one of them did not meet. The question was, why such "negativity" in a sex positive space, or in OP's actual words: "Why are so many narcissistic psychopaths want to be polyamorous all of a sudden??? Isn’t our community supposed be all about love, inclusion and healing?"

It's rather obvious from the link that these clubs are businesses, not communities, and as such they ensure that their customer base is of a certain demographic, not some ideal of love, inclusion and healing (healing?). And that OP believes that labelling people with medical diagnoses because she has sour grapes is okay.
 
Evie said:
I gathered that OP's issue was more that this is what they did want to be doing, but were being gate-kept out of such spaces because of an unspoken aesthetic requirement that at least one of them did not meet. The question was, why such "negativity" in a sex positive space, or in OP's actual words: "Why are so many narcissistic psychopaths want to be polyamorous all of a sudden??? Isn’t our community supposed be all about love, inclusion and healing?"
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Yes.
Evie said:
It's rather obvious from the link that these clubs are businesses, not communities, and as such they ensure that their customer base is of a certain demographic, not some ideal of love, inclusion and healing (healing?). And that OP believes that labelling people with [a medical diagnosis] because she has sour grapes is okay.
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Oh, I had to stop and think who was medically diagnosing whom. Her partner, who has a scar? Oh, the "narcissistic" young pretty people/owners of these kinds of big city (NYC, etc.) clubs! We could say, "People who are displaying some behaviors in common with those on the spectrum of narcissistic personality disorder. This is not a medical diagnosis. This is my opinion based on the words of people who run a public business and want to present a 'only pretty young people need apply' criteria."

Those words came from a place of extreme embarrassment, frustration, feelings of rejection, anger at false advertising, and generally feeling hurt. Downplaying her and her partner's difficult feelings as "sour grapes" is equally dismissive, imo.
 
Magdlyn said:
So every single person would have to look... androgynous somehow? If a someone wore a dress, they'd have to have a full beard? If someone wore a men's suit, they'd have to wear lipstick? Lol. I'm sorry. That image is kind of funny to me. It sounds like a club strictly for non-binary people. How many of these are in your city to make this club worthwhile? :p

I keep coming up with images in my head of how queers could adhere to this dress code without going deep into gender dysphoria.
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It's for queer people, and they want to keep it that way, so yes, if you're AMAB you're more likely to get in wearing a little black dress than a cis woman. Gatekeeping at queer venues is actually an interesting topic. The ethics of it. I find European venues far more unapologetic about their standards than American venues.

On the predatory thing, you'll find most places that permit sex/kink have resident predators. What's worse is when they actually have power in the venue. You must have seen on fetlife when a well-known kinkster is outed as a predator.
 
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