going on a trip with boyfriend, husband is hurt

[mountaingirl]

hello!

My husband (Joe) is leaving for 3 weeks coming up. im meeting with him halfway through. during the week and a half that he is solo traveling, i planned a trip with my boyfriend (Pea). originally it was just going to be me visiting central america alone, but joe and i agreed that pea coming with would be a good idea (he's more fluent in spanish than i am + I would be safer traveling with a guy). its also conveniently Pea's bday that week, so i wanted to include him.

CR was a tad too expensive/required much more planning and i was nervous about scuba diving the pacific with my skill level, so i changed the venue to a caribbean island without telling joe; mostly because i hadnt even told Pea that i had bought us tickets (was waiting to hear if he had the days off). Pea now officially has those days off, i told Joe, and Joe is really hurt. He thinks that he's being 'punished' for going on a solo trip (he's not! i wanted him to do something on his own because that seemed important to him). it's as if he was only okay with Pea and I going on a trip when 1. it was only an idea and might not be happening; 2. it was to a place that wasn't that cool, i.e. staying local if Pea couldn't get the time off, or 3. bringing Pea was necessary for my safety (which I'll argue is still a reality, as i dont necessarily want to travel to this island alone either)

this is stirring up a lot of emotions that remind me of the beginning of Pea and I's relationship. Joe thinks he is responsible or being punished in some way, has expressed that he thinks he loves me more than i love him, a rant on how he thinks poly isn't real, etc.

this all seemed like a great idea to me. pea and i have been together for almost three years and have never gone on a solo trip together. i know mono-poly dynamics are hard and i can only imagine how Joe feels right now. i thought i could make this work and now im feeling doubtful and as if ive been a shit partner to Joe. i tried to be as transparent as possible until i didnt need to be (Joe asked me not to talk to him about it until it was set in stone, i.e. Pea got the time off and plans were made).

i did everything he asked and Joe is still upset. i sympathize with him. but im also hurt that he feels i love him less and is sliding back into all the negative thoughts that were circling around when pea and i first started dating. im wondering if these are just growing pains that joe and i have been able to avoid for so long because pea and I's relationship has been mostly secret. i dont think Joe sees any of the compromises pea and I make, and thinks I'm walking all over him.

in an effort to have a conversation about compromises, i was like "would you be okay with this if Pea and I agreed to not have sex while we're traveling?" For me personally, this isn't a huge compromise, but I also don't think it's healthy to even offer that--and I didn't promise anything. i was just trying to figure out what it is Joe wants/what about the idea of this trip specifically is bothering him so much. He seemed to be way more okay with the idea of us traveling if sex wasn't on the table, so i guess that's what he doesn't want to happen (this, after an entire conversation and me reading a long note from him in which he brings up the past, complicated mixes of emotions, etc. and didn't clearly state that). I'm mostly not a fan of this banning sex thing not because of the sex itself, but because im worried it explicitly states some kind of hierarchy. Pea would never ask this of me if the roles were reversed, and Joe's take is that it's because he doesn't communicate often, but i think it's because Pea doesnt try to control me, and doesn't have this concept of possession over me that Joe has.

I'm wondering when will it be okay for me to travel alone with Pea? If not 3 years in + while Joe is on a solo trip, then when? Anyone who has seen my postings knows that my relationship with Pea was anything but smooth in the beginning, but everything has been going well the past year in both relationships and between the two of them as friends. If Joe isn't okay with this now, then i don't know if he ever will be. I'm also wondering if i just need to be decisive on this. Joe told me to listen to my own emotions and go from there. My emotions are telling me i really want this with Pea, but also that I don't want to hurt Joe. Since sending me the long note, Joe has since said that he was "just communicating his thoughts and feelings" and said it helped him get a lot off of his chest, but now im all out of sorts thinking im breaking his heart or something.
I'm wondering if there's a compromise im not seeing here and if im doing/did something majorly wrong in planning this trip.

 

[Magdlyn]

You're not hurting Joe by taking a vacation with your long-term OSO Pea. Joe feels anxious, or whatever. That's his thing to handle. He's still afraid of losing you. He's trying to bargain. It's not up to one person to make sure another person doesn't feel bad, ever.

Offering not to have sex is not something I'd EVER do. Adults in love are allowed to feel desire for each other and have sex. Even if Joe doesn't want to admit you and Pea have sex, he knows you do, whether you're at home or elsewhere.

One thing we talk about here is how you shouldn't try to do other's emotional management for them. Go on your nice trip and let Joe experience what that's like. He'll be busy on his own trip and will just have to learn how to cope. That's where growth happens. You don't need to protect him. Tell him you have confidence that he can handle this. Have a few nice dates when you meet up with him and then go do your thing with Pea. Live in the moment. Don't let brooding on Joe ruin your time with Pea.

And I hope that brooding about you with Pea doesn't ruin Joe's time on his own trip. That would be a waste of time.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I hope you feel better for the vent.

FWIW, I think you meeting up with Joe for part of his trip and then you and Pea having a trip is fine. Everyone gets some time on their own and with you.

If it's the first time for (you+ Pea) to take a trip ever, it's going to have some bumps for Joe.

i thought i could make this work and now im feeling doubtful and as if ive been a shit partner to Joe. i tried to be as transparent as possible until i didnt need to be (Joe asked me not to talk to him about it until it was set in stone, i.e. Pea got the time off and plans were made).

Do you overload Joe with your plans with Pea, and he gets annoyed by you oversharing? I get you are trying to be transparent... but could you be going too far, triggering Joe because he doesn't want a play-by-play, just the main points that affect him?

Until it actually affects Joe on the calendar, why does he need to hear so much about it? He's not going on this trip.

in an effort to have a conversation about compromises, i was like "would you be okay with this if Pea and I agreed to not have sex while we're traveling?" For me personally, this isn't a huge compromise, but I also don't think it's healthy to even offer that--and I didn't promise anything.

Stop offering things like that. Even if Pea agreed to offer that -- you just don't. Keep the poly V more separate and retain agency over your own sex life/body. Don't put Joe in a position of "gatekeeper" for when you + Pea share sex. It's weird.

Since sending me the long note, Joe has since said that he was "just communicating his thoughts and feelings" and said it helped him get a lot off of his chest, but now im all out of sorts thinking im breaking his heart or something.

I think you are too close to this, and your emotions get tangled up in his. I think Joe could process with someone else NOT you. It's not 3 weeks or 3 months in. It's 3 years.

Even if you are his main sounding-board person on other topics, he could talk to someone else, like a trusted friend or poly counselor, if he's still kinda possessive about you sharing sex with someone else and/or struggling with poly.

It sounds like when he spirals, he also triggers you, because you are so tangled up in his feelings. And then YOU spiral. And for what? Is this fun?

It is okay to have personal boundaries with a spouse. It is okay for you to step back. It is okay for you to detach some. It's not like you don't care about him at all, but you cannot be doing his emotional management FOR him either.

If Joe isn't okay with this now, then i don't know if he ever will be.

I wonder if that's you spiraling into doom thinking. I can't tell from the writing.

Anyone who has seen my postings knows that my relationship with Pea was anything but smooth in the beginning, but everything has been going well the past year in both relationships and between the two of them as friends.

To me, he sounds okay enough and like you all got past the initial turbulence. But this trip is a brand-new thing. So okay, figure out how to deal with this new thing. Joe having a bump over a new thing that has not happened yet doesn't mean the whole poly V is now doom. Right?

I'm also wondering if i just need to be decisive on this. Joe told me to listen to my own emotions and go from there. My emotions are telling me i really want this with Pea, but also that I don't want to hurt Joe.

Yes. Be decisive. You taking a vacation with your other partner is not hurting Joe or being mean to him or anything. Joe will probably feel some kind of way about it. It is both the first trip ever with Pea after the poly V began, and the first trip ever with another poly partner. So it is new. But Joe's a grown up. Let him do his own emotional management around all that. You do yours. Pea can do his.

You could ask if Joe if he'd like reasonable check-ins during the trip and plan a date with him for when you get back.

Galagirl

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Thing is, Joe doesn't have to be fine with his wife taking vacations with another man. He's allowed to say "nope, that's too far for me" and then you two have to figure out a relationship style that works for you both. A lot of your talk is if your husband has to be okay with this. I don't think he does.

 

[GalaGirl]

Correct. Joe doesn't have to agree to any of it, at all.

joe and i agreed that pea coming with would be a good idea

But if he agreed, I'd assume he was telling the truth. If he has changed his mind, he could say so.

it's as if he was only okay with Pea and I going on a trip when 1. it was only an idea and might not be happening; 2. it was to a place that wasn't that cool, i.e. staying local if Pea couldn't get the time off, or 3. bringing Pea was necessary for my safety (which I'll argue is still a reality, as i dont necessarily want to travel to this island alone either)

If he is not really okay with it, but isn't honest about that from the start, that's gonna make a mess. It's better to be direct about it. These folks have to figure it out.

GG

 

[Tinwen]

I’m wondering if maybe Joe didn’t care about Central America, but would have really enjoyed going to the Caribbean Islands with you. That’s a common jealousy/envy trigger (and one of mine, for sure).

You could suggest making some plans for a really cool vacation together too. Maybe that would help somewhat.

 

[Timmer]

Speaking as someone who dealt with a lot of hard years figuring out how to handle poly while carrying anxiety around my neck like an anvil, I'll say that it sounds like this has unlocked an anxious issue for Joe, and a major one.

You need to find out why CA was ok but the Caribbean isn't, and talk your way through those feelings. If he's anxious, the whole thing could be turning into a giant intrusive reel in his head; images could be playing out that are disrupting him. Find out what those are, and you'll have your path to settling things down. He probably does support you in going but can't see that or feel it right now.

Side note, it sounds like Joe also needs to consider finding someone to talk to. His burden shouldn't always be placed on you.

 

[Albert Ross]

His burden shouldn't always be placed on you.

Yeah. My take: I think it's most helpful if, in this paragraph

You need to find out why CA was ok but the Caribbean isn't, and talk your way through those feelings. If he's anxious, the whole thing could be turning into a giant intrusive reel in his head; images could be playing out that are disrupting him. Find out what those are, and you'll have your path to settling things down.

One replaces "you" with... "Joe". Joe's anxiety is Joe's to uncover, understand, and deal with. Mountaingirl can support him in doing that, but being too involved in your partner's emotional management is unhealthy enough in monogamy, let alone in polyamory.

 

[Timmer]

Yeah. My take: I think it's most helpful if, in this paragraph

One replaces "you" with... "Joe". Joe's anxiety is Joe's to uncover, understand, and deal with. Mountaingirl can support him in doing that, but being too involved in your partner's emotional management is unhealthy enough in monogamy, let alone in polyamory.

Absolutely. But if the trip is coming, tickets are purchased etc. relying on him to step up in this case may not be productive.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi mountaingirl,

I have to admit I don't understand why Joe feels the way he does; I have never understood his negative feelings about Pea and about polyamory. I guess on some level he wanted you to stay home, while he went off on his trip. It seems pretty obvious he doesn't want Pea to go on a trip with you. It kind of makes it worse that he agreed to the idea in the beginning. Why did he change his mind? Is it because you changed destinations? because you didn't get his okay before doing that? I don't see why he should care when he's not going to be with you anyway.

I guess you will have to decide what to do about this, now that you have already bought the tickets, and Pea has already got the time off. I don't think there's anything you can do to mollify Joe's jealous reaction, shy of canceling your trip with Pea. And I guess it's obvious enough that I don't think you should do that. Is this really unfair to Joe? Is it fair to Pea? Is it fair to you?

I hope the three of you can work things out.
Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[MeeraReed]

I agree with Timmer in that Joe probably has feelings about a Caribbean vacation that he didn't have about Central America. Like, the Caribbean is a romantic getaway for a couple; Central America would be a challenging adventure that maybe he had no interest in himself, but he appreciated that you would be traveling safely there with Pea.

But now your plans changed last-minute to a destination that is thought of as a romantic sexy getaway, not adventure travel.

Have you taken a romantic trip with just you and Joe lately? Is that what you'll be doing when you meet Joe partway through his own solo travels?

 

[Inaniel]

I was thinking the same thing as others.

Backpacking trip turned into a romantic couples getaway. Probably didn’t help that you weren’t totally upfront about it until after tickets were bought.

Joe’s absence for “him time” turned into a sex on the beach fest for you pea.

I could see Joe feeling a mess of emotions about that.

 

[dingedheart]

It seems like every quarter you’re here discussing some issue Joe has trying to cope with you being poly. I get the concept of putting the frog in warm water and slowly turning up the heat, but at some point everyone involved might have to acknowledge that this isn’t something he actually wants. He’s doing it to hang on.

Quality of life sort of matters. This doesn’t sound like a joyous yes. At some point, after 3 yrs of "the new normal," he might just think this is as good as it gets. From the snippets of threads over the yrs, he’s constantly trying to maintain denial, and every time reality slaps him in the face he has an issue.

 

[mountaingirl]

It seems like every quarter you’re here discussing some issue Joe has trying to cope with you being poly. I get the concept of putting the frog in warm water and slowly turning up the heat, but at some point everyone involved might have to acknowledge this isn’t something he actually wants. He’s doing it to hang on
Quality of life sort of matters. This doesn’t sound like a joyous yes. At some point, after 3 yrs of "the new normal," he might just think this is as good as it gets. From the snippets 0f threads over the yrs, he’s constantly trying to maintain denial and every time reality slaps him in the face, he has an issue.

In defense, I'm not one to come on here to say "everything is going great"... and if i do it isn't in the poly relationships corner.

 

[mountaingirl]

Wow, I appreciate everyone's feedback! I was going to reply to each, but that's going to take way too long and there are some common threads.

I totally understand the take some had, that a Caribbean trip was not the same as an adventurous CR thing. A few people mentioned that, and it's not something I thought about, because my plan was to be scuba diving/kayaking/hiking/roadtripping the whole time anyway. This trip is just a more affordable/less extensive version of the CR trip (in my mind), but I can see how it would look different to Joe.

I talked to Joe and that seemed to be the sentiment... that + when I asked about going on a trip with Pea, it was months ago and way far out. I walked him through my plan for the trip and that seemed to help.

One person had mentioned that maybe I didn't need to share so much with Joe (as far as trip stuff), and a couple other people mentioned that maybe I didn't share enough, soon enough. It's not a new thing that I struggle to know what to share vs. what to hold onto. I am strongly averse to withholding information (seems like lying to me) so I usually just ask Joe what he wants to know about.

I think, in this case, I didn't share the trip change because Joe explicitly said he didn't want to hear about it until it was set in stone. We all doubted Pea would get the time off. I think that was part of Joe's confusion, as well. He was wondering how long I had known and why I had kept it to myself. But it was mostly just to not disappoint Pea and myself, if he didn't get the time off. (I kept it from him as well; that's also why these flights are fully refundable.)

I can definitely see the point that was made by GG and Magdlyn (and maybe others?) that I share too much of the burden of Joe's feelings and need to be more decisive + let him figure out his stuff. It's tough, man. Most of the scared "wtf do I do?" or "wtf did I do wrong?" posts on here are a result of me trying to feel for Joe or Pea. If I do something or live in a way that hurts Joe's feelings, I think I am responsible for talking shit through with him, and I have a hard time not taking things personally when he lays it on me.

And yes, this is a change for all of us. I underestimated how big a deal this trip would be for Joe. I think I underestimated how big of a deal it would be for Pea and me, as well.

After talking with Joe, I can say that I've learned to not try and hit four birds (Pea's birthday, fun trip doing stuff I like, first trip with Pea and I, trying to stack two weeks of travel during Joe's solo trip) with one stone. In my defense, things have been so awesome lately that I let my excitement get the best of me.

I also struggle with the difference between asking permission versus letting someone know what's going on. That's where I was getting at with my comment of: "If Joe isn't okay with this now, will he ever be?" I'm wondering if this is something I should back off of for now (the flights are refundable and nothing else is booked), in the hope that it can happen later. If it can't happen later, that is a much bigger problem. Which gives me an idea for a direct question I can ask Joe: If not now, when?

The assumptions/ideas associated with a Caribbean vs a Central American vacay are why I was thinking of making it more of a friend trip between Pea and me (i.e., not a sexual/romantic focus). Pea and I were friends for three years before dating. We have plenty of sex when we're home. We go on dates all the time. I'm not traveling to this place with him for that purpose... I really just wanted to enjoy being by the beach (I'm from Florida and CO is way too landlocked for me ), and turn up with Pea for his bday.

Which brings me to the third reason why Joe is particularly bothered now, even though he gave his permission earlier. From talking to him I think there's some FOMO going on. He's going to have a great time on his solo trip, but he has never traveled to another country before, and the island Pea and I are going to is where Joe and Pea's families are from. We have all already been there before, but it was together.

Not all of his issues have to do with poly. All of those reasons, + the fact that this is the first trip for Pea and me, is why I'm okay with toning down the romance vibes. Again, I can understand why some people on here are not fans of this, or may think it won't work, and I totally respect that. I am trying to find a compromise that works for everyone.

As usual, people on this forum 1. underestimate the friendship Pea and Joe share, and 2. underestimate the importance (and sometimes, precedence) friendship has between Pea and me. This is to be expected, because we're not in a triad, but we do all live together and do A LOT of shit together. And as I already mentioned, I'm not good about coming on here and sharing the day-to-day. I don't know if y'all subscribe to the different types of love (e.g. familial, fraternal, romantic, etc.), but it's very easy for Pea and me to flip to friend mode. Perhaps this is because when the three of us hang out together (again, a majority of the time) there is no romance going on. Plus, if this all blows over and Pea and I don't stay romantically linked, we both decided a long time ago that we'd still be best friends, no matter what. So, yeah, that's more important to both of us.

Lastly, to address the two people who mentioned it, perhaps Joe does not want to be a part of this. It's not like I haven't considered this myself. I ask Joe this frequently. Neither Joe or I are ones to shy away from confrontation. I don't know what mono-poly is supposed to look like. Joe doesn't want another partner (at least not right now) and does not understand why I am poly. It is a recurring, if not frequent conversation we have. Joe gets frustrated because he doesn't understand. I get frustrated because I tire of explaining something about myself that seems so easy to understand.

The vast majority of our time, we are happy. It's gotten a lot easier as I've become a better hinge. But yes, I do get on here when I feel shit is hitting the fan, and that is usually when the whole poly-ness of the entire thing is unavoidable. Most of the time I deal with everything as I think a good hinge should (open to disagreements on this), by handling things as they come up and without mixing the two relationships.

I received that advice early on here: deal with Joe things with Joe, and Pea things with Pea. It's hard when we all live together, and impossible in scenarios such as these, which leads to tough conversations having to be had. I don't have anyone else to talk to that gets it. Yes, I have friends I can talk to, but they are mono or (even more unrelatable) single.

A lot of people on this forum are not mono-poly and I feel like their general reply is: "Why don't Joe and Pea have their own partners?" I can't answer that question, and I'm not altogether sure that it would "fix" how Joe feels, if he had someone else. I like reading the few mono-poly blogs that are on here.

And to those that suggest I plan something with Joe, great idea! I am meeting him in Greece for the second week of his trip (right after I leave the Caribbean). We're going to go hiking, sightseeing, eat our fav foods... This is the first semester I don't have classes, so I can finally take off 2.5 weeks to travel!

 

[MeeraReed]

I don't think you need to think of it as either you let Joe deal with his emotions on his own vs. you accept that he's not comfortable with poly at all...

If this incident seems like an aberration in the way Joe usually feels and behaves, then trust that there's something about this incident in particular that bothers Joe and that you can work it out with him.

 

[dingedheart]

In defense, I'm not one to come on here to say "everything is going great"... and if i do it isn't in the poly relationships corner.

Yes, that 100% makes sense. I’m sorry you felt you needed to defend it, because the way I see/remember it is: from day one you and Pea have bent over backwards to accommodate/protect/minimize any pain or discomfort Joe was having. I can’t think of another member moving that slowly or that cautiously for as long as you did or are doing.

One could possibly argue that the bubble of protection you are willing to provide (one example being forgoing sex on the island trip with Pea) is actually helping to create a bubble of denial.

One simple stubborn fact in the poly-mono dynamic that there is no up-side benefit on the mono side, unless there’s some specific circumstance or the guy's a cuck. And the downside is emotional-management education, emotional-management practice, adjusting expectations, less of, or sharing of finite resources, etc., etc.

Bottom line, it’s triple the work or greater, and then settling for 1/2 or 1/3 of the benefits. Then you add some crazy NRE experiences in there and it’s easy to see how you can break someone’s spirit. (Speaking in general, not related to you, situations. At least I don’t recall you having any NRE experiences.)

Personally, I don’t think the trip is or should have been a big deal at this point. He was informed of the possibility of the trip and was ok. Oh well, plans changed slightly. It's not like they changed from a Peace Corp mission trip to Hedonism II.

I think maybe you need to start ripping the Band-Aid off. Maybe line up a therapist for him first. It's still time to take the training wheels off.

 

[Tinwen]

One simple stubborn fact in poly mono dynamic there IS NO Up side benefit on the mono side unless there’s some specific circumstance or the guys a cuck.

Except, those same personality traits that make them poly are those same personality traits we fell in love with them for. Like open mind and loving heart.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, that 100% makes sense.

You make a lot of good points.

I’m sorry you felt you needed to defend it, because the way I see/remember it is: from day one you and Pea have bent over backwards to accommodate/protect/minimize any pain or discomfort Joe was having. I can’t think of another member moving that slowly or that cautiously, for as long as you did, or are doing.

One could possibly argue that the bubble of protection you are willing to provide (one example being forgoing sex on the island trip with Pea) is actually helping to create a bubble of denial.

Yeah, that's my thought too.

One simple stubborn fact in the poly-mono dynamic that there is no up-side benefit on the mono side, unless there’s some specific circumstance or the guy's a cuck. And the downside is emotional-management education, emotional-management practice, adjusting expectations, less of, or sharing of finite resources, etc., etc.

Well, having experienced my gf's OSO being mono with her for almost a decade, he seems to love being mono because he's an introvert and loves his alone time. I've seen others on here expressing that too.

Bottom line, it’s triple the work or greater, and then settling for 1/2 or 1/3 of the benefits.

Pixi's bf Malachi has never had to do "triple the work or greater" (whatever that means). In fact, he'd dated so little before he met and loved Pixi, the work he had to do was to be able to date anyone at all. He started very gradually with one overnight a week. After a year of that, he broke up/asked for an indefinite break with her, not because he didn't care about her, but because he had trouble with feeling tied down with that one overnight a week. After a year, he got back with her and their time together increased from one night a week to, eventually, two nights, to three being fine, and now she is finally welcome to come over any time, unannounced, and stay as long as she wants. But he sure doesn't want to juggle adding another partner for himself into the mix.

Then you add some crazy NRE experiences in there and it’s easy to see how you can break someone’s spirit. (Speaking in general, not related to you, situations. At least I don’t recall you having any NRE experiences.)

Personally, I don’t think the trip is or should have been a big deal at this point. He was informed of the possibility of the trip and was ok. Oh well, plans changed slightly. It's not like they changed from a Peace Corp mission trip to Hedonism II.

I think maybe you need to start ripping the Band-Aid off. Maybe line up a therapist for him first. It's still time to take the training wheels off.

Yeah.

Longstanding "friendship" or not, denying that adults who are actually romantically dating should be able to have sex any time they want is just silly. If you've got the privacy and the energy, it's GOOD for you to do that. Sex is a POSITIVE thing. If Joe can't handle that after three years, something is way off.

FOMO for the island trip, when he's going to fucking GREECE for two weeks? I can't even. It's Greece, the cradle of classical civilization, full of ancient history, and just damn gorgeous, besides. You'll be there for half his trip too, doing all the fun things. Having sex, too. How petty is he being to begrudge you and Pea a trip to an island he's been to before?

Try to let go of mothering Joe through this. It's none of his business whether you and Pea have sex three times a day, or not at all.

 

[GalaGirl]

I mean this kindly, ok?

I can definitely see the point that was made by GG and Magdlyn (and maybe others?) that I share too much of the burden of Joe's feelings and need to be more decisive + let him figure out his stuff. It's tough, man. Most of the scared "wtf do I do?" or "wtf did I do wrong?" posts on here are a result of me trying to feel for Joe or Pea.

Then stop trying to feel for other people. They can feel their own feelings. You feel yours. Stay in your own lane.

If I do something or live in a way that hurts Joe's feelings, I think I am responsible for talking shit through with him, and I have a hard time not taking things personally when he lays it on me.

If you did behavior that hurt him, and it was a mistake, or reasonable for him to feel upset by it, you own it, apologize, and change your behavior. If he's just feeling hurt "from the sky," wanting to blame everything on you, or wanting you to be his emotional crutch or emotional dumpster, and you did nothing actually wrong, then you are not responsible for helping him regulate his emotions. Be kind, but be firm about that, and encourage him to talk to a counselor, if he needs it. You cannot be his free therapist while ALSO dating him.

• You are going to Greece with Joe for a week.
• You are going to the island with Pea for a week.
• Both are getting vacation time with you, pretty evenly.

So unless something else is going on that Joe can articulate, this seems like Joe is making mountains out of molehills and you're kinda coddling him too much. Eventually in long-term poly relationships, people just get on with living. They are responsible for their own stuff, and do their fair share of the load in shared responsibilities.

Enough with you carrying the other two all the time. Enough with the pussyfooting. Rip the Band-Aid off. Be decisive.

You don't have to be unkind, but you also aren't a mind reader.

And if you find you have outgrown one or both of these two? Be decisive about that, too.

Galagirl