I need advice

[Mr Maple]

This is not a happy story. My wife and I have been married for about 13 years, together about 17. We have 3 kids. For the past 10 years I have felt like I was not making her happy. There has been a lot of stress in our lives, mostly money. But there have been others, too.

She had started to make comments about sharing me with other women. I was not sure if she was joking or not, but it was a common thing to let her single female friends use me, as she works hard, overworks herself. I try to be a loving husband and remind her that I have desire for her and always will. But because she gets tired and just wants to sleep most of the time, the offer to let me out came up as a means for me to be able to have sex, in general, because she just didn't have it in her and didn't want me to "suffer." (I don't do casual sex. It's personal for me.)

Feeling that she was not only stressed beyond reason, but sometimes by her own actions, I realized that what she needed was another person to talk to, someone with whom she could have her girl time and have human contact, that wasn't her husband. I figured that poly was the answer to maybe being able to make her happy, by having another person live with us that we could find together, someone that could be her second support in the home, someone to be a best friend, or more.

Sex was never the priority for me. It was about trying to help my love (not that I would complain).

I didn't want to have one of us just open the door and introduce a "new" person out of nowhere, possibly isolating one of us.

She confessed to me that she was more interested in doing an open marriage than poly. I said okay. But we agreed on some rules that nothing ended up in the bedroom.

Last week, she found out that a co-worker was attracted to her, and she became interested in him, as well. They started to hang out and things were getting personal between them. She has only visited him twice.

I did not care if they hugged and I thought it was clear that their kissing was that of friends. But it was not. I could see it and hear it in how she talked that they would eventually sleep together. I will not stop her if that will make her happy. Even though I told her what I felt, I will not stop her from feeling happy, because I cannot. She told me she would put the brakes on everything because she never wants to hurt me, even though I agreed to it.

I know she still wants to see him as a friend, and I support that. But I know she still has feelings for him.

I asked her how far she wanted it to go, how far she was willing to let it go. She had no answer.

I know that they will eventually sleep together.

I do not have another person of my own. I am not the most sociable person out there. I am always full of self-doubt in very destructive ways.
I sit at home with her only feet away from me and there is no conversation between us, even though I try to talk about anything. She was able to find someone to feel this way about. So again, I am alone to hide all my feelings, as I just exist.

I am mostly doing what I can for my kids.

I don't have a question to ask.

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel better for the vent. I'm not sure what advice I could give you, other than to consider talking to a counselor.

I am always full of self-doubt in very destructive ways.

This, by itself, sounds like a lot.

I sit at home with her only feet away from me and there is no conversation between us, even though I try to talk about anything.

If this marriage is circling the drain? That's another load.

She was able to find someone to feel this way about.

And if you struggle with open marriage, even though you agreed to try it, that's a third load.

So again, I am alone to hide all my feelings, as I just exist.

You don't have to hide your feelings. I encourage you to think about a counselor. You could try:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

If I'm being honest, it kinda sounds like you tried this poly/open marriage suggestion as some sort of "Hail Mary," to save the marriage from ending. Is that true?

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

For the backstory, Mr Maple's first thread:

https://polyamory.com/threads/how-to-help-her-insecurities.155620/

 

[Evie]

I figured that poly was the answer to maybe being able to make her happy, by having another person live with us that we could find together, someone that could be her second support in the home, someone to be a best friend, or more.

Hopefully you've been around here long enough to realise this isn't the usual way people do polyamory. It's pretty rare to find (a woman) to move in with another couple.

She confessed to me that she was more interested in doing an open marriage than poly. I said okay. But we agreed on some rules that nothing ended up in the bedroom.

What did you mean by an open marriage then? Were you actually ever on the same page about this, truly?

I asked her how far she wanted it to go, how far she was willing to let it go. She had no answer.

Oh, she probably did, but didn't feel safe being 100% honest with you.

I sit at home with her only feet away from me and there is no conversation between us, even though I try to talk about anything. She was able to find someone to feel this way about.

So you tried "relationship broken, add people" and now you're envious that she found a person but you haven't.

So, is this marriage being maintained because of the kids? Something else? Because it sounds like you have not got an actual relationship with each other, just a marriage contract. And perhaps you really can't afford divorce but you're separated without actually acknowledging that you are. Sharing a home and even bedroom because of the marriage contract.

Have you thought about totally dismantling your (plural) beliefs about marriage and designing your co-parenting relationship from the ground up? Financially, could you work towards living apart?

Right now it sounds like you don't have the skills or self confidence to meet anyone new, but this can be addressed in therapy. If you can't access therapy then you can just start growing your own life/interests/social circle by joining new activities until something sticks. Don't do these with the intention to find someone, do them with the intention to have your own fun and "fill your bucket" and find your own autonomy.

 

[Mr Maple]

For the backstory, Mr Maple's first thread:

https://polyamory.com/threads/how-to-help-her-insecurities.155620/

Its was easy to omit some things. Though most of that is still true, I did try to make it not sound as complicated as it really is.

 

[Evie]

but it was a common thing to let her single female friends use me,... (I don't do casual sex. It's personal for me.)

Use you for what? Lawn mowing?

 

[Mr Maple]

I hope you feel better for the vent. I'm not sure what advice I could give you, other than to consider talking to a counselor.


This, by itself, sounds like a lot.


If this marriage is circling the drain? That's another load.


And if you struggle with open marriage, even though you agreed to try it, that's a third load.


You don't have to hide your feelings. I encourage you to think about a counselor. You could try:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

If I'm being honest, it kinda sounds like you tried this poly/open marriage suggestion as some sort of "Hail Mary," to save the marriage from ending. Is that true?

Galagirl

I don't know what is happening to us, tbh. I just wanted her to be happy in the end. Our family dynamic is odd, to say the least, lots of personal complications. She was married, but the entitled ass divorced her in the middle of a move with a newborn baby, I am a child of divorce, and not a happy one, at that, just to give you some ideas.

In truth, I thought that if she and I could have an equally trusted person living with us, someone who was directly connected that could be another support, that it would help to stabilize a lot of things. I didn't want to just jump right into anything with anyone right off the bat.
This other person, I thought, could have hopefully been a stabilizer. I say that growing up with parents who were 90% of the time at odds. 1v1 between parents/spouses is never good, and a 3rd voice that can step in on equal terms can help fix things. My own parents had, a few times, a friend or family member step in and calm things down, call out who was wrong or correct miscommunications, so I honestly feel that if there had been another equally trusted person with my parents full-time things would not have ended the way they did. But I might be biased.

 

[Mr Maple]

Use you for what? Lawn mowing?

Nope. A friend of hers (I didn't know her well) commented when we were hanging out that she had not been with a man in 3 years. So my wife offered me up, while talking about my skills. She did this a few times with more than one female friend of hers.

 

[Evie]

nope, a friend of hers commented when we were hanging out (didnt know this person well) that she had not been with a man in 3 years, so my wife offered me up while talking to her about my skills.

she did this a few times to more than one female friend of hers.

How did you cope with that, considering you're not into casual sex?

 

[Mr Maple]

Hopefully you've been around here long enough to realise this isn't the usual way people do polyamory. It's pretty rare to find a woman to move in with another couple.


What did you mean by an open marriage, then? Were you actually ever on the same page about this, truly?

Oh, she probably did, but didn't feel safe being 100% honest with you.

So you tried "relationship broken, add people," and now you're envious that she found a person, but you haven't.

Is this marriage being maintained because of the kids? Something else? It sounds like you have not got an actual relationship with each other, just a marriage contract. And perhaps you really can't afford divorce, but you're separated without actually acknowledging that you are, sharing a home and even a bedroom because of the marriage contract.

Have you thought about totally dismantling your (plural) beliefs about marriage and designing your co-parenting relationship from the ground up? Financially, could you work towards living apart?

Right now, it sounds like you don't have the skills or self confidence to meet anyone new, but this can be addressed in therapy. If you can't access therapy, then you can just start growing your own life/interests/social circle by joining new activities until something sticks. Don't do these with the intention to find someone, do them with the intention to have your own fun, "fill your bucket" and find your own autonomy.

Because it was the first week into their "meeting," I said that it would not be wise to just go into things right away, that it needed to be a step-by-step thing, and that boundaries had to be set for now, mostly to make sure things didn't get complicated.

I knew she wanted more. I could see it in her body language, her lack of giving me an answer. I believe in 100% brutal honesty when it's important things like this. Don't walk on eggshells, just tell me what it is.

I never needed to find another person for myself. Even though I have and will joke about having another woman, I didn't need one. I thought a woman would have made my wife more comfortable because of her experiences with other men. She normally does shy away from them in general, unless she knows they are gay.

It's normal for me to have a mask on and let people think I am okay. I haven't been okay since I was 12. Things have only continued to be a downward rollercoaster for me. I don't see an up at all.

I know she still loves me and wants me to feel that she isn't leaving me (her literal words). But like I said, I don't think I make her happy anymore. We just live in the same home. Even though I try to reach out to her as a husband and best friend, not much happens.

Money is so tight, neither of us could survive without the other. The kids would suffer the most because we don't have a support system here for getting the youngest to and from school, outside of how we are now.

When I first started talking poly with my wife, it was all about us, as a team, finding a best friend first. I knew that, in general, that was what she needed, a woman to talk to about woman problems that I, as a man, would not exactly be able to fully connect with, a person to have girl time with and all that. For the rest, we would have to wait and see. That was the plan.

 

[Mr Maple]

How did you cope with that, considering you're not into casual sex?

I gave the wife the side eye for a bit. I was not sure how to take it. But I also told her that for me there is no casual sex. I only have sex with people I love. That said person might also start to have feelings. How would we deal with that? It was the doorway into the poly conversations that then focused on trying to support her, instead.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Mr Maple,

Just so I'm clear, you're not happy about your wife's relationship with this new guy, and you're not happy with where it is headed. Is that right? and you are concerned that your marriage seems to have lost its luster, and maybe you are worried that it is headed for divorce. Am I on the right track?

I don't know 100% what to do, but I suppose the first step would be to sit down with your wife, and talk about the elephant in the room. "Honey, it is hard for me to know that you have such strong feelings for this other man. And I am worried about the state of our marriage, I don't think I make you happy anymore, we just live in the same home and it is breaking my heart. I am lost about what to do. Can we talk about this? What about the idea of seeing a marriage counselor?"

Try to get her to talk about what it is about you (and/or other factors) that is making her pull away from you. Express your feeling that you don't want things to just continue downhill as they have been. You want to do better. You want to know how to make her happy again. You want things to change.

Those are my initial ideas.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I hope you feel a bit better for airing out more things. I am sympathetic, but it doesn't really change my suggestion. I think you could talk to a counselor. There are issues from the other thread, then this stuff.

She was married but entitled ass divorced her in the middle of a move with a newborn baby, I am a child of divorce and not a happy one at that. just to give you some ideas.

Even before you two got together there was stuff affecting both of you.

In truth, I thought that if she and I could have an equally trusted person living with us, someone who was directly connected that could be another support, that it would help to stabilize a of of things. I didn't want to just jump right into anything with anyone, right off the bat.

I could see where it could benefit you and wife to have some help. I do not think a triad partner is the way. What benefit would there be to them? When they could just live their life without having to help you or wife with extra issues or stresses? Your load lightens, but their load increases. How's that a great deal for them?

I think you would benefit MORE from seeking a counselor, making some friends to socialize with and trade childcare things with, a maid, lawn people, just basic helpers, when and where you can, because honestly, you don't sound healthy. Offering yourself up as an unhealthy dating partner is not attractive or great. I don't think anyone healthy would touch this with a 10-foot pole. I think it would only attract users and then people who are even more unhealthy than you.

This other person, I thought, could have hopefully been a stabilizer. I say that growing up with parents who were 90% of the time at odds. 1v1 between parents/spouses is never good. A 3rd voice that can step in on equal terms can help fix things.

That is called a counselor. It is not the job of a romantic partner to be the "referee" or "therapist" for things.

My own parents had, a few times, a friend or family member step in and calm things down, call out who was wrong or correct miscommunications,

I see that your wonky parents were doing that. It doesn't mean it wasn't more of their wonky. It doesn't mean it is something you should copy.

I honestly feel that if there was another equally trusted person with my parents full-time things would not have ended the way they did. But I might be biased.

I think you could let go of however your parents turned out and focus on your own things.

Nope. A friend of hers commented when we were hanging out (didnt know this person well) that she had not been with a man in 3 years. So my wife offered me up while talking to her about my skills.

That is not appropriate. Just doing that from the sky is gross to me. You are not wife's property to offer to people. "Hey, you bored? Haven't had sex in a while? Let me give you my spouse to use," sounds awful. How about YOUR consent?

I gave the wife the side eye for a bit. I was not sure how to take it. I also told her that, for me, there is no casual sex. I only have sex with people I love. That said person might also start to have feelings. How would we deal with that? It was the doorway into the poly conversations that then focused on trying to support her instead.

I know you care about wife, but you are not well. I think you need to do some personal work first before trying to help her with anything. You can't pour from an empty cup.

It's normal for me to have a mask on and let people think I am okay. I haven't been okay since I was 12. Things have only continued to be a downward rollercoaster for me. I don't see an up at all.

That is a LONG time. You sound depressed. Have you seen a doctor?

I wonder if some of this "people pleaser/keep my wife happy so she doesn't leave me" stuff is because you think you were "lucky" to find her? Are you subsuming yourself to the relationship because you don't believe there's anything good in life at all?

I don't know if this would help you assess:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

I know she still loves me and wants me to feel that she isn't leaving me (her literal words). I don't think I make her happy anymore. We just live in the same home. Even though I try to reach out to her as a husband and best friend, not much happens.

People can love and care for each other, and still break up and get a divorce, and then love each other as exes and friends and coparents, if they want. Sometimes that's the most loving thing to do, to let go of the parts that don't work any more rather than doing some "going through the motions" marriage and building resentments.

Does that bold part mean sex? Maybe it's time for separate rooms and letting sex go?

Money is so tight, neither of us could survive without the other. The kids would suffer the most because we don't have a support system here for getting the youngest to and from school, outside of how we are now.

I know it can take time, but people sort it. People get roomies to help with the costs of living, and coparenting agreements, like getting kids to school, are separate from marriage things. "There's nobody else to taxi the kid to school" is not a reason to stay married. It's a reason to share the coparenting load.

I don't know if https://www.polyfriendly.org/ could help you find a counselor.

But really, this isn't especially poly. It sounds more like "Marriage falling apart, wife interested in other people, dragging out a break-up," to me. like a marriage circling the drain. And you trying to turn over all the rocks possible to prevent it. I'm very sorry for that.

Internet people can listen, maybe even help, if it's just 1 or 2 things. But you have SO much traumatic stuff here that I really think you need to talk to a professional to help you. There are just too many layers.

Whether or not the marriage can get back on its feet or is best ended, you still need to attend to YOUR healthcare and all this past baggage still following you around.

its normal for me to have a mask on and let people think I am ok. I haven't been okay since I was 12. Things have only continued to be a downward rollercoaster for me. I don't see an up at all.

That is a heavy load for a child, and it's followed you into adulthood. That's super hard.

Prioritize your health and wellbeing.

I know you want her happy and want to help her, but you need to get your OWN oxygen mask on first.

This thing with the Dude-- I think you could tell her you changed your mind and don't want to do this poly stuff all wonky. "Relationship broken, add more people" is not a good idea. And then with a coworker on top of it? That can blow up in a bad way. Since money is tight, can you two really afford it if she gets fired for misconduct with a coworker?

Galagirl

 

[Mr Maple]

Hi Mr Maple,

Just so I'm clear, you're not happy about your wife's relationship with this new guy, and you're not happy with where it is headed. Is that right? and you are concerned that your marriage seems to have lost its luster, and maybe you are worried that it is headed for divorce. Am I on the right track?

I don't know 100% what to do, but I suppose the first step would be to sit down with your wife, and talk about the elephant in the room. "Honey, it is hard for me to know that you have such strong feelings for this other man. And I am worried about the state of our marriage, I don't think I make you happy anymore, we just live in the same home and it is breaking my heart. I am lost about what to do. Can we talk about this? What about the idea of seeing a marriage counselor?"

Try to get her to talk about what it is about you (and/or other factors) that is making her pull away from you. Express your feeling that you don't want things to just continue downhill as they have been. You want to do better. You want to know how to make her happy again. You want things to change.

Those are my initial ideas.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.

I tried to express my feelings about it. She wants to remain friends with him because it was just a week since this happened. She was very apologetic about everything and how she never meant to make me feel this way or that.

Part of me wants to get mad, but it gets to just a little simmer and then just fizzles out.

I feel that divorce won't happen, on her part, because she would not be able to admit to allow it to happen to her again, though I do think she wants to eventually start up with him again and have it eventually be an open marriage in full.

I did talk to her about the idea of talking to someone, but time and money were always the reasons not to.

Part of me feels that I could walk away from her and just let it all go, but part of me is screaming not to.

 

[GalaGirl]

I feel that divorce wont happen on her part because she would not be able to admit to allow it to happen to her again, though I do think she wants to eventually start up with him again and have it eventually be an open marriage in full.

Even if it were the healthiest thing do to, she'd never file for a divorce because she has past baggage or shame from the last divorce-- is that what you are saying?

I did talk to her about the idea of talking to someone, but time and money were always the reasons not to.

That doesn't mean you can't try to do SOME things where you go seek help on your own. You could check if colleges have a program. Some of them do. Grad students offer the community free/sliding scale services under the supervision of a professor, so the community gets more mental health help and then the students get "in the field" practice.

You could look at Recovery International.

You could call whoever your thing is where you live to get the "cheat sheet" for mental health services. Check the county government page that lists it. If you are in the USA, you could try calling 211, or check the website.

Homepage

Get help paying bills, finding food, and locating other resources near you. Call 211 now for confidential help from a caring expert.

www.211.org

Part of me feels that I could walk away from her and just let it all go, but part of me is screaming not to.

You don't have to make any big decisions TODAY, but if parting ways and changing to exes and coparents is healthier for all parties. it may be time to reflect on it. You could be the one to file for divorce.

Galagirl

 

[Mr Maple]

I hope you feel a bit better for airing out more things.

I am sympathetic but it doesn't really change my suggestion. I think you could talk to a counselor.

The issues from the other thread, then this stuff...



Even before you two got together there was stuff affecting both of you.




I could see where it could benefit you and wife to have some help. I do not think a triad partner is the way. What benefit would there be to them? When they could just live their life without having to help you or wife with extra issues or stresses? Like your load lightens but then their load increases? How's that a great deal for them?

I think you would benefit MORE from seeking a counselor, making some friends to socialize with and trade childcare things with, a maid, lawn people -- just basic helpers when and where you can. Because honestly? You don't sound healthy. And offering yourself up as an unhealthy dating partner? It's not attractive nor great.

I don't think anyone healthy would touch this with a 10 foot pole. I think it would only attract users and then people who are even more unhealthy than you.



That is called a counselor. It is not the job of a romantic partner to be the "referee" or "therapist" for things.



I see that your wonky parents were doing that. It doesn't mean it wasn't more of their wonky. It doesn't mean it is something you should copy.



I think you could let go of however your parents turned out and focus on your own things.



That is not appropriate. Just doing that from the sky is gross to me.

You are not wife's property to offer to people. "Hey, you bored? Haven't had sex in a while? Let me give you my spouse to use" sounds awful.

How about YOUR consent?




I know you care about wife, but you are not well. I think you need to do some personal work first before trying to help her with anything. You can't pour from an empty cup.



That is a LONG time. You sound depressed. Have you seen a doctor?

I wonder if some of this "people pleaser/keep my wife happy so she doesn't leave me" sounding stuff is because you think you were "lucky" to find her? Are you subsuming yourself to the relationship because you don't believe there's anything good in life at all?

I don't know if this helps you assess.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

People can love and care for each other and still break up and get a divorce. And then love each other as exes and friends and coparents if they want. Sometimes that's the most loving thing to do. To let go of the parts that don't work any more rather than doing some "going through the motions" marriage and building resentments.

Does that bold part mean sex?

Maybe it's time for separate rooms? And letting sex go?




I know it can take time, but people sort it.

People get roomies to help with the costs of living.

And coparenting agreements like getting kids to school are separate from marriage things.

"There's nobody else to taxi kid to school" is not a reason to stay married. It's a reason to share the coparenting load.

I don't know if https://www.polyfriendly.org/ could help you find a counselor.

But really? This isn't especially poly. It sounds more like "marriage falling apart, wife interested in other people, dragging out a break up" stuff to me. Like a marriage circling the drain.

And you trying to turn over all the rocks possible to prevent it.

I'm very sorry for that.

Internet people can listen. Maybe even help it's just 1 or 2 things. But you have SO much trauma sounding stuff here that I really think you need to talk to a professional to help you. Just too many layers.

Whether or not the marriage can get back on its feet or is best ended? You still need to attend to YOUR health care and all this past baggage still following you around.



That is a heavy load for a child, and following you into adulthood? That's super hard.

Prioritize your health and well being.

I know you want her happy and want to help her too. But you need to get your OWN oxygen mask on first.

And this thing with Dude? I think you could tell her you changed your mind and don't want to do this poly stuff all wonky.

"Relationship broken, add more people" is not a good idea. And then a coworker on top of it? That can blow up in a bad way. Since money is tight, can you two really afford it if she gets fired for misconduct with a coworker?

Galagirl

I thank you and everyone else that is giving me a digital ear, so to speak.

Regarding the other person and the burden they could face, you are right. But I think what would happen is that I would work more to help support that person with their own baggage too, and not show any of mine. I guess you could say that I am that typical anime character that is willing to help everyone and not show how much pain I am in. I don't know how to tell others that I am in pain, because I feel like a burden to them.

I grew up with no one around to be there for me. During the divorce of my parents it was a constant back and forth of things. My dad went through a lot, but he put my mom through a lot, too.

I had lots of family and other people around, but they were never there. I was and still am the person that dozens of people know, but never get a phone call to hang out. Some of it, I do admit, is my fault, because I just close people off after a while, feeling I am not worth people's time or effort.

No one knows how much pain I was or am in. I am a master with masks.

 

[Bobbi]

step in and calm things over, call out who was wrong or correct miscommunications,

Ugh. I wouldn’t want to be part of that, if you paid me. If you need someone for that, get a good therapist.

 

[GalaGirl]

Regarding the other person and the burden they could face, you are right. But I think what would happen is that I would work more to help support that person with their own baggage too, and not show any of mine. I guess you could say that I am that typical anime character that is willing to help everyone and not show how much pain I am in. I don't know how to tell others that I am in pain, because I feel like a burden to them.

This is not honest relating -- hiding things from partners. Nobody that loves you would want you to do this sort of self neglect/hurtful behavior towards you. I'm a stranger and I feel sad you have learned to hide things so much.

You are opening up here and talking about your pain, so that's a start. I'm sorry you carry this much pain around. It sounds like a huge weight on you.

I grew up with no one around to be there for me. During the divorce of my parents it was a constant back and forth of things. My dad went through a lot, but he put my mom through a lot, too.

I am sorry none of the people who came to "referee" your parents thought about you as a child, asked how you were doing, tried to give you help or reported a child in neglect. I'm sorry none of the mandatory reporters at school noticed either. You sound like you were super-neglected as a kid. So now you do same because that is what you learned. You keep neglecting yourself.

I had lots of family and other people around but they were never there, I was and still am the person that dozens of people know, but never got a phone call to hang out with, some of it I do admit was my fault because I just closed people off after a while feeling I was not worth peoples time or effort.

I could see that. It hurts to be not really be seen or be ignored. And then not putting in the effort becomes easier than taking the risk of being hurt again.

No one knows how much pain I was or am in. I am a master with masks.

Is that way of going serving you well? I get it if you came up with it to survive your childhood. But you are a grownup now. Maybe it's time to start doing something different. At least you are reaching out to people here, even if anon. So good for you!

When you are ready, I hope you try to talk to a counselor in person or online.

You don't sound ready to take any new actions just yet. It's more like contemplation or even pre-contemplation. And that's ok. Baby steps.

But please do not add to the pile by doing wonky poly and not being honest with your wife. If you can't shovel the old yucky pile away just yet, at least don't make it a bigger pile of yuck.

Galagirl