Opening up with a reluctant partner

[Alita]

My husband and I have been together for years. He’s always known I was bisexual, but we both treated it as irrelevant. He was never very curious about it, and over the years, I thought I’d come to terms with never quite having explored that side of me, never having come out and never quite knowing for sure if I actually was into women in a sexual way (even though I’ve been experiencing attraction and crushes on women for years, and have mentioned this casually to my husband often.) I’ve since read about bi-erasure, queer imposter syndrome and internalized biphobia and a lot of that resonated.

I recently met a women with whom I realized I had a deep wish to explore my bisexuality. Any doubts that I was, in fact, bi disappeared when I met her. I shared this with my husband. He was skeptical, but we ultimately agreed that we’d try polyamory.

The tricky part is he has more feelings of hurt, fear and jealousy than he does excitement about opening up, and thus I wouldn’t quite call our agreement “enthusiastic consent” on his part, as the books recommend. (I’ve been doing A LOT of research these past few months.)

He says he’d likely feel different if he met someone. (He’s had no luck so far, but then it’s only been a few months.) But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m asking too much, that I’m not being fair, that I’m hurting him and being selfish-- even though he has consented to trying polyamory.

He said himself that it was clear to him, this time around, that it wouldn’t be reasonable or helpful for either of us, or our relationship, if he just shut this down. I’ve casually asked about his thoughts on ENM a few times over the years, as well as how he’d feel about my being allowed to make out with women on occasion, and he always just said no. It was never a big deal to me. But this time it’s different, and we both know it.

I’ve made it clear that I’m not giving him an ultimatum. I want to be with him either way. But I think it still kind of feels like one to him: agree to a relationship structure you don’t really want, or make your wife suppress a vital part of her sexuality.

In an attempt to make the situation a bit more “fair” (since I’ve met someone and he hasn’t) and because it’s fine with me at this point, we’ve agreed that I’m not “open,” apart from exploring with this one woman, whereas he gets to explore whatever opportunities he might get. This was my suggestion, and even though he appreciates the gesture, it makes him skeptical that I’ve agreed to whatever he might get a chance to explore, because he worries I might then later ask for arrangements that he wouldn’t feel okay with, and then he’d be a hypocrite (his words).

In addition to this, I am taking things very slow with this other woman (months between dates).

My husband and I love each other very much and have a wonderful marriage. But we both worry deep down that he might just be monogamous (one that would never want mono-poly) and I’m just polyamorous (one that would always feel sexually repressed if I didn’t get to explore and express my need for sex and romance with women/a woman too).

I’m unsure about the appropriate tempo in this process, and how much responsibility I should take for his frustration/worries/fears. I want to support him and I feel guilty for putting this on him, but I also find it emotionally draining to carry all that guilt and feeling like it’s all my fault and I’m ruining a good thing.

At the same time, I kind of resent feeling responsible for something that is completely out of my control: whether or not he meets someone so that he feels he’s “getting something out of this too," as he put it.

He’s not saying his pain is all my fault, or that I’m responsible for making this all work. But I’m clearly the catalyst for a lot of pain, and that makes me feel terrible. I so deeply want us both to feel happy, secure and fulfilled, and I do believe we can get there, but, my God, this emotional rollercoaster we’re both on is intense!

Any thoughts, advice or reflections would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,
Alita

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

it makes him skeptical that I’ve agreed to whatever he might get a chance to explore, because he worries I might then later ask for arrangements that he wouldn’t feel ok with and then he’d be a hypocrite (his words).

You know, I think this is a valid concern, not because I think you have a particular inclination towards hypocrisy, but because there was something I was thinking all the time as you talked about opening your relationship.

What rules or agreements or whatever are there that are restricting him? I'm going to link a post underneath that I started and others contributed to, just to illustrate some of the issues I am thinking about in terms of why it's hard for married straight guys to find additional long-term partners.

You seem serious about wanting him to have this opportunity too. I'm sure it's for him, but because it gives you a better chance of keeping him and having other partners. So you may want to consider how you both can maximise his availability to other partners.

https://polyamory.com/threads/what-are-married-poly-women-looking-for.155275/

 

[Evie]

In an attempt to make the situation a bit more “fair” (since I’ve met someone and he hasn’t) and because it’s fine with me at this point, we’ve agreed that I’m not “open” apart from exploring with this one woman, whereas he gets to explore whatever opportunities he might get. This was my suggestion, and even though he appreciates the gesture, it makes him skeptical that I’ve agreed to whatever he might get a chance to explore, because he worries I might then later ask for arrangements that he wouldn’t feel ok with and then he’d be a hypocrite (his words).

So, if I'm reading the subtext correctly, he's actually being quite realistic here that right now you have an interest in this one woman, but once you start opening up to polyamory there is every possibility that you may meet people of any sex or gender that you are attracted to. If he has carte blanche to explore anyone, then sometime in the future you may want to date another guy and he knows full well that he's probably going to feel that as far more of a threat.

There's no easy way around this...it takes most people a hell of a lot of inner work to be able to deal with their fears around an open marriage, especially one that is open to anyone. You have agreed to fully open on his side already, it's easier for you at this stage (but be aware there still may be some sore points along the journey - I was like you, totally fine with hubby dating whomever, but saw red when I discovered he made his gf a coffee in one of the two mugs that have been gifted to me specially - but he wasn't aware I was so attached to that mug since I almost never drink hot drinks). But your husband knows he will experience the kind of jealousy that he likely doesn't want to process at this time, and end up in that hypocritical position.

So, you could open up a bit at a time. Slowly increasing your dating pool while he works on his relationship security issues. Or you could acknowledge that this Pandora's box is just too big for the survival of your relationship and agree that this woman is your one and only other person ever, and he doesn't date anyone else either. Or you smash your existing relationship model to bits and rebuild from the ground up without any exclusivity. Or you stop everything now, no other woman for you, recognise that when you agreed to marry a man you also agreed to forgo your bisexuality. Or divorce and free yourself and him to have whatever partners you each want.

Every single option is hard. Choose your hard.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Alita,

It sounds like your husband is trying to get you to read his mind. He wants you to realize that, "His mouth says yes, but his heart says no." He's afraid to vocalize his true feelings because then he would be the bad guy, he may even fear that you'd break up with him. He may not trust your reassurances about that. He does seem to have some trust issues.

It sounds like you and your husband are perfect for each other in every way, other than this one little thing. Poly. Not so little, is it? I would hate to see this marriage break up, but you may not have a choice if the two of you are so fundamentally incompatible. If you do break up, I fear that he would want it to be "your fault."

You seem to have many guilt feelings about something that isn't your fault. You didn't choose to be bisexual, you didn't choose to be internally polyamorous. You seem to have a tendency to blame yourself. Your husband has noticed this, and is taking advantage of it. He wants you to carry this huge load of guilt, so that he can be guilt-free.

Those at least are my initial thoughts.
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

My husband and I have been together for years. He’s always known I was bisexual, but we both treated it as irrelevant.

How many years? How young were you two when you got married. Are there any kids involved?

He was never very curious about it, and over the years I thought I’d come to terms with never quite having explored that side of me, never having come out and never quite knowing for sure if I actually was into women in a sexual way (even though I’ve been experiencing attraction and crushes on women for years, and have mentioned this casually to my husband often.) I’ve since read about bi-erasure, queer imposter syndrome and internalized biphobia, and a lot of that resonated.

Are you both going to be “out“ to friends and family about your new open status, so when people see you out dating, they don’t think you’re cheating?

I recently met a women with whom I realized I had a deep wish to explore my bisexuality. Any doubt that I am in fact bi disappeared when I met her. I shared this with my husband, and he was skeptical, but we ultimately agreed that we’d try polyamory.

The tricky part is that he has more feelings of hurt, fear and jealousy than he does excitement about opening up, and thus I wouldn’t quite call our agreement “enthusiastic consent” on his part, as the books recommend. (I’ve been doing A LOT of research these past few months.)

He says he’d likely feel different if he met someone. (He’s had no luck so far, but then it’s only been a few months.) But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m asking too much, that I’m not being fair, that I’m hurting him and being selfish-- even though he has consented to trying polyamory.

How would you assess his communication skills, other than expressing his reluctance? Is he/does he hold thoughts and feelings back until a boiling point? My point is, will you see the end coming?

Have you passed any of your research on to him? Does he have any idea of what this new dynamic could mean for him, other than sharing romantic or sexual partners?

He said himself that it was clear to him this time around that it wouldn’t be reasonable or helpful for either of us, or our relationship, if he just shut this down. I’ve casually asked about his thoughts on ENM a few times over the years, as well as how he’d feel about my being allowed to make out with women on occasion, and he always just said no. It was never a big deal to me, but this time it’s different, and we both know it.

Why is it different this time?

I’ve made it clear that I’m not giving him an ultimatum; I want to be with him either way. But I think it still kind of feels like one to him: agree to a relationship structure you don’t really want, or make your wife suppress a vital part of her sexuality.

Yes, it sort of puts him in a lose-lose situation. So put on a brave face, roll the dice, and hopefully it won’t be too bad, or it will be a silly phase she needs to go through, and will burn itself out.

In an attempt to make the situation a bit more “fair” (since I’ve met someone and he hasn’t), and because it’s fine with me at this point, we’ve agreed that I’m not “open” apart from exploring with this one woman, whereas he gets to explore whatever opportunities he might get. This was my suggestion. Even though he appreciates the gesture, it makes him skeptical that I’ve agreed to whatever he might get a chance to explore, because he worries I might then later ask for arrangements that he wouldn’t feel okay with, and then he’d be a hypocrite (his words).

That is a very legitimate fear on his part. If he were here asking for advice, I’d tell him that once this gets rolling and sort of normalized, that that agreement would be renegotiated, so he’d be wise to prepare for full parity. Start doing the work.

In addition to this, I am taking things very slow with this other woman (months between dates).

For whose benefit or which dyad are you doing that?

Just thinking out loud here... wading into cold water inch-by-inch might feel more painful and unnecessarily drawn out and constantly influx vs the cold shock and then building the new normal.

Most couples making such a transition report an immense amount of change within themselves and their specific relationships. Everyone has their own preference on the delivery of said change.

My husband and I love each other very much and have a wonderful marriage, but we both worry deep down that he might just be monogamous (one that would never want mono-poly) and I’m just polyamorous (one that would always feel sexually repressed if I didn’t get to explore and express my need for sex and romance with women/a woman too).

Yeah sometimes love isn’t enough. And people do wake up sometimes and wonder if this is as good as it gets. You‘re having or had that moment and he could have a similar moment down the road. Tempering expectations, IMO, is key.

Every relationship has a shelf life.

I’m unsure about the appropriate tempo in this process, and how much responsibility I should take for his frustration/worries/fears. I want to support him, and I feel guilty for putting this on him, but I also find it emotionally draining to carry all that guilt and feeling like it’s all my fault and I’m ruining a good thing.

This could be the natural grieving process for the old marriage. Grieve the loss or losses and put it behind you AND start building the replacement.

At the same time, I kind of resent feeling responsible for something that is completely out of my control: whether or not he meets someone, so that he feels he’s “getting something out of this too," as he put it.

Your feelings are your own. He’s not responsible for them. Like the jealousy and hurt on his end, you’re not making him have those, either. Don’t get sucked into that kind of thinking. If he’s mad hurt or whatever, that’s for him to figure out. If he’s sad /depressed/angry/whatever and broadcasting that vibe and can’t seem to find a woman to date, oh well, that’s on him, too. Sometime life sucks.

He’s not saying his pain is all my fault or that I’m responsible for making this all work, but I’m clearly the catalyst for a lot of pain and that makes me feel terrible.

Oh well. It is what it is now. Why dwell on that?

I so deeply want us both to feel happy, secure and fulfilled and I do believe we can get there, but. my God, this emotional rollercoaster we’re both on is intense!

Have you read up on detangling? It’s the idea of creating physical and emotional space inside the old/established relationship. It might seem counterintuitive, but a new framework, new routines, new expectations can make things feel more secure and thus make people happy and fulfilled.

 

[Alita]

You know I think this is a valid concern. Not because I think you have a particular inclination towards hypocrisy, but because there was something I was thinking all the time as you talked about opening your relationship.

What rules or agreements or whatever are there that are restricting him? I'm going to link a post underneath that I started and others contributed to, just to illustrate some of the issues I am thinking about in terms of why it's hard for married straight guys to find additional long term partners.

You seem serious about wanting him to have this opportunity too. I'm sure it's for him, but because it gives you a better chance of keeping him and having other partners. So you may want to consider how you both can maximise his avaliablity to other partners.

Thanks for your response and for linking to the other thread. I guess our current agreement (that he can do whatever, so far, and I'm restricted to this one woman (that I can't see often anyway, due to distance), is my attempt to not limit him in what is already a very challenging situation for him-- finding someone to date, as a married straight man. I've already found someone, and have no other needs, so far; whereas he might want to date someone he knows. He might want to go for an opportunity for casual sex on a night out, or might want to search online. He has been making attempts at these things. The thing is, he doesn't really want any one of these things as much as he wants monogamy, but is willing to try it to see if it might work for him. It's so strange to find myself hoping he'll find someone else.

 

[Alita]

If I'm reading the subtext correctly, he's actually being quite realistic here that, right now, you have an interest in this one woman, but once you start opening up to polyamory, there is every possibility that you may meet people of any sex or gender that you are attracted to. If he has carte blanche to explore anyone, then some time in the future, you may want to date another guy, and he knows full well that he's probably going to feel that as far more of a threat.

There's no easy way around this... It takes most people a hell of a lot of inner work to be able to deal with their fears around an open marriage, especially one that is open to anyone. You have agreed to fully open on his side already; it's easier for you at this stage. (But be aware there still may be some sore points along the journey. I was like you, totally fine with hubby dating whomever, but saw red when I discovered he made his gf a coffee in one of the two mugs that had been gifted to me specially. But he wasn't aware I was so attached to that mug, since I almost never drink hot drinks.) But your husband knows he will experience the kind of jealousy that he likely doesn't want to process at this time, and end up in that hypocritical position.

So, you could open up a bit at a time, slowly increasing your dating pool while he works on his relationship security issues. Or you could acknowledge that this Pandora's box is just too big for the survival of your relationship and agree that this woman is your one-and-only other person ever, and he doesn't date anyone else, either. Or you smash your existing relationship model to bits and rebuild from the ground up without any exclusivity. Or you stop everything now: no other woman for you, recognise that when you agreed to marry a man you also agreed to forgo your bisexuality. Or you divorce and free yourself and him to have whatever partners you each want.

Every single option is hard. Choose your hard.

Thanks, Evie. This is very helpful.

I think he is being realistic, but also quite pessimistic about the whole thing, understandably, but disappointingly. I so wish he would just feel differently. But I guess feelings don't work that way.

What I keep arguing when we talk about this is that I believe that neither I nor he would ever run amok with this poly thing. We're both overthinkers; we're both inclined to worry; we're both people-pleasers; and most importantly, we love each other very much and care deeply about the wellbeing of our partner, as well as our own, and that of our child.

This means that if, somewhere down the line, I wanted to date men (which I don't feel like I would need to, even if I wanted to, in the same way that I feel I NEED to explore my sexuality with women/a woman), and this devastated him, I wouldn't insist, just based on him having dated women, and I need him to trust that. In the same way, I trust that if he started dating someone I hated or someone too close (like a friend of mine) he would respect and listen to my concerns and we would work something out together.

I'm looking for nuance here between two extreme ends: complete monogamy with emotional/sexual exclusivity and complete autonomy with no regards for the needs of the other. We're not in the extreme end of monogamy, but I guess I still want us to move closer to the other end.

Thanks for sharing your experience with jealousy. I feel very ready to deal with my own jealousy and insecurity that would definitely come up once he starts dating. What's most important for me is openness and honesty and feeling considered, I guess.

You're so right that those are our options and they're all hard, but some of them would be worth the hard.

 

[Alita]

Hello Alita,

It sounds like your husband is trying to get you to read his mind. He wants you to realize that, "His mouth says yes, but his heart says no." He's afraid to vocalize his true feelings because then he would be the bad guy, he may even fear that you'd break up with him. He may not trust your reassurances about that. He does seem to have some trust issues.

It sounds like you and your husband are perfect for each other in every way, other than this one thing, poly I would hate to see this marriage break up, but you may not have a choice if the two of you are so fundamentally incompatible. If you do break up, I fear that he would want it to be "your fault."

You seem to have many guilty feelings about something that isn't your fault. You didn't choose to be bisexual; you didn't choose to be internally polyamorous. You seem to have a tendency to blame yourself. Your husband has noticed this, and is taking advantage of it. He wants you to carry this huge load of guilt, so that he can be guilt-free.

Those are my initial thoughts.
Kevin T.

Hi Kevin,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think you're definitely right, that he has struggled to vocalize his true feelings throughout this process, maybe because he's afraid of owning his feelings of possessiveness, insecurity and jealousy, understandably, or of creating conflict or pushing me away.

That said, I've seen him work very hard on this these past few months, as I've insisted we put everything on the table and tried my best to reassure him and be very open and honest myself. So he's gotten quite good at communicating clearly to me about his (very valid) concerns. And I'm trying to do the same.

I think our communication has gotten very good. We're at a point where something just needs to happen. I'm going to spend a weekend with this woman soon, as she lives far away, and that's going to very hard for him. Hopefully it won't be as devastating as we both fear.

He needs to have some romantic/sexual experiences with other women. Hopefully that will trigger feelings of excitement about polyamory, which at this point just feels painful and scary for him.

But that's what's so frustrating. I feel responsible that happening (for his sake, for mine and for our relationship) and I obviously can't make him meet someone.

You seem to have many guilt feelings about something that isn't your fault. You didn't choose to be bisexual; you didn't choose to be internally polyamorous. You seem to have a tendency to blame yourself.

This feels very validating. Thank you.

Your husband has noticed this, and is taking advantage of it. He wants you to carry this huge load of guilt, so that he can be guilt-free.

If this is the case, I think it's definitely subconscious. I truly think he wants me to be happy and thrive, but the thought of me with someone else is just very painful for him, and he's trying to deal with that. He sees my pain too though, and tries to give me the reassurance I need.

 

[Alita]

How many years? How young were you two when you got married? Are any kids involved?

We've been together 8 years, mid-thirties, married recently and we have one child.

ARE you both going to be “out“ to friends and family about your new open status when people see you out dating so people don’t think you’re cheating ?

We've agreed to be out to friends, but not family.

How would you assess his communication skills, other than expressing his reluctance? Is he/does he hold thoughts and feelings back until a boiling point? My point is, will you see the end coming?

Have you passed any of your research om to him? Does he have any idea of what this new dynamic could mean for him, other than sharing romantic or sexual partners?

At this point, I think our communication is very good. I've long been pushing for honest, tough conversations. He's gradually gotten more and more on board with this, and now initiates them too, and is very engaged with them. (This was an issue before all this poly stuff even happened.)

I've tried to pass on a bit of my research to him, but it hasn't felt very positive, so far. He might feel like I'm selling him polyamory, rather than allowing him to feel the way he feels and process it all at his own pace. Maybe I just need to be quite mindful and selective about which content I choose to share with him. He's also initiated a bit of shared information seeking: a documentary. That was not a positive experience and very triggering for both of us. (It was a story of a woman with dozens of partners, and her poor fiance, who couldn't get a single date.)

Does he have any idea of what this new dynamic could mean for him, other than sharing romantic or sexual partners?

He says that if I have a girlfriend, he'd like to have one too. If I'm going on dates and weekend getaways with another romantic partner, he wants to do that too. We've talked about swinging or dating a woman together, and I'd be open to that if he wanted to try it, but I don't have any particular interest in that at this point, and neither does he.

Why is it different this time?

When I met this woman, a concrete opportunity to explore my bisexuality (and polyamory I guess) presented itself, and I feel a deep, deep longing to pursue it-- with my husband's consent, whereas before it was more like, "I'm quite attracted to women, but am I really bi? Oh well, what does it matter? I'm married to a man now. Maybe one day he'll let me make out with women. That'd be fun."

THIS could be the natural grieving process for the old marriage. Grieve the loss or losses and put it behind you and start building the replacement.

This is so on point. It does feel like a grieving process for both of us, I think. Our marriage, as we both knew and envisioned it, has died. Something new and wonderful could come from all of this, but the loss of our old life is very real. I hadn't thought about that. Auch. Thank you.

For whose benefit or which dyad are you doing that ? Just thinking out loud here... wading into cold water inch by inch might feel more painful and unnecessarily drawn out and constantly influx, vs the cold shock and then building the new normal.

I'm taking it very slow with this woman mostly due to geographical distance, but also to not overwhelm my husband, and I guess protect a bit of that feeling of our everyday life still being normal. I think you're right though, that it might be helpful to just rip off the Band-Aid. Ideally we'd sleep with someone else for the first time on the same night, but that's most likely not going to happen.

Your feelings are your own and he’s not responsible for them. Like the jealousy and hurt on his end, you’re not making him have those, either. Don’t get sucked into that kind of thinking. If he’s mad hurt or whatever, that’s for him to figure out. If he’s sad/depressed/angry/whatever, and broadcasting that vibe and can’t seem to find a woman to date, oh well, that’s on him too. Sometime life sucks.

Thanks, I needed to hear that. I know rationally that it's true, but emotionally it's hard to convince myself of this.

Have you read up on detangling? It’s the idea of creating physical and emotional space inside the old/ established relationship.
It might seem counterintuitive but a new frame work, new routines, new expectations can make things feel more secure and thus make people happy and fulfilled.

I'll make sure to do that!

Thanks so much for your input! I really appreciate it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Alita,

Truth be told, your husband probably won't find anyone to date for a long long time, if ever. He needs to figure out if he can make peace with that kind of outcome. If he can't, then you probably need to back away from polyamory, or you need to divorce so that you both can pursue the relationship style that works for you. Hopefully it won't come to that, but I'm trying to cover every possibility.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[Bobbi]

The thing is, he doesn't really want any one these things as much as he wants monogamy, but is willing to try it to see if it might work for him. It's so strange to find myself hoping he'll find someone else

Its okay to be monogamous with a person who is poly. Its okay if he doesn't want to date. You both need to really hear that.

that being said, it did help me to experience a relationship with another to get that “the one” programming out of my head; to have feelings for another and see firsthand that it did not negatively affect my feelings for my first partner, at all; to really experience two totally different relationships that have no effect on the feelings towards the other.

 

[Evie]

I'm looking for nuance here between two extreme ends: complete monogamy with emotional/sexual exclusivity and complete autonomy with no regards for the needs of the other.

I don't think anyone here, any polycule of whatever shape, would say that they have complete autonomy without regards for the needs of the others. That wouldn't be loving behaviour, and the whole point of polyamory is loving multiple people.

When we opened up, my husband dated one person, that relationship ran its course, and he hasn't had another romantic interest since. He's satisfied with his hobbies and large circle of friends. I'm not a large circle of friends person, preferring to have a few extra close men in my life (and a couple of platonic female friends). So although he's welcome to date, he's chosen to operate on more of a mono-poly model. I hope you find your own groove.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

We've agreed to be out to friends, but not family.

These are the types of things I mean by restrictions. I'm not saying that a lot of us aren't fully out, but it seems like partnered straight men are rejected more often for not having that type of availability than other demographics.

It might not be something your girlfriend needs from you, but it very much could be something that the type of person your husband could date needs from him.

How will not being out to family impact how, where and whom he can date? For instance, people with a large sociable family, where many live in the same area, are pretty restricted when it comes to being able to be seen with other people. Others live miles from family so it makes no difference at all.

I'm not saying that this is the only reason your husband is not meeting anyone. But, if you're serious about maximising his desirability to poly women to equal the playing field, you may have to consider practical and effective ways to do that. Being able to offer more emotional intimacy and overall commitment seems to be attractive to poly women. If he meets one that he can offer that to, then he might see the benefits of polyamory in the way that you describe.

However, the reality is that neither of you may not feel polyamory is an attractive enough prospect to change things that much. You might not want your husband to be that available to other women. It's tricky though, because he's straight, and emotional availability, progression and commitment are what women often seem to need from their partners, even if both parties are partnered already.

The hard bit for you is that your same-gender relationships may not follow that trajectory. They may not require that level of tradition to feel valid. Your partners may not need to from you, what cis female partners want from their male partners. So you have to be open to "sharing" your husband with other partners in a way that your partners may not ever need to consider "sharing" you, as cis heterosexual men don't seem to need those things from their attached poly partners.

It is quite possible that it won't be worth it for you. Your chance of being replaced by someone who can offer the security of a committed relationship without the pressure of needing to be polyamorous is higher than his chance of being replaced by one of your partners. He is already doing it reluctantly. Is "acting on your bisexuality" by having girlfriends worth that risk? Or could you meet it by swinging, for example?

 

[Alita]

Hi Alita,

Truth be told, your husband probably won't find anyone to date for a long long time, if ever. He needs to figure out if he can make peace with that kind of outcome. If he can't, then you probably need to back away from polyamory, or you need to divorce so that you both can pursue the relationship style that works for you. Hopefully it won't come to that, but I'm trying to cover every possibility.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

Thanks, Kevin. Why do you think that is, I mean, apart from polyamory not being very widespread yet? Do you think most women looking to date that he would come into contact with just want monogamy?

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

Thanks, Kevin. Why do you think that is, I mean, apart from polyamory not being very widespread yet? Do you think most women looking to date that he would come into contact with just want monogamy?

There is a whole thread here on why women tend to prefer not dating married poly men. It's mostly about options and resources, though. Add in that many poly women (myself included) have had negative experiences with wives of partners either issuing an ultimatum or just generally having bad behavior towards their husband's other partner(s). I'm not saying you will do that, but I am definitely more careful about married men now than I was before those experiences.

 

[Alita]

There is a whole thread here on why women tend to prefer not dating married poly men. It's mostly about options and resources, though. Add in that many poly women (myself included) have had negative experiences with wives of partners either issuing an ultimatum or just generally having bad behavior towards their husband's other partner(s). Not saying you will do that, but I am definitely more careful about married men now than I was before those experiences.

Thanks. I’ll try to find that thread. What you’re saying makes sense. I guess it depends what people are looking for. But connection and availability are probably usually big things that women might assume they’re more likely to get from someone who isn’t married.

 

[ref2018]

Thanks, I’ll try to find that thread.

https://polyamory.com/threads/what-are-married-poly-women-looking-for.155275/

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Alita,

I'm not sure why men have a harder time finding poly dating partners than women. But it has been my experience and observation that that's how it usually goes. On the flip side, women get bombarded by propositions for one-night stands, so finding a truly poly partner can be hard for women too. They have to be picky.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[Alita]

Hi Alita,

I'm not sure why men have a harder time finding poly dating partners than women. But it has been my experience and observation that that's how it usually goes. On the flip side, women get bombarded by propositions for one-night stands, so finding a truly poly partner can be hard for women too. They have to be picky.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

Thanks, that makes sense. Maybe it will be easier for everyone one day when poly becomes more normalized.

 

[kdt26417]

Well we can always hope.