Jealous being the girlfriend of a man in a poly relationship with his wife

H

hearts

New member
Hello, I wanted some clarification on how to feel less jealous of my boyfriend's wife. My bf and I see each other a few times a week. We are in love with each other.

I'm really struggling with my boyfriend sleeping with his wife, to the point that I am up several times a night wondering if he will he sleep with her.

I've never been in a poly circle and am finding things challenging. When he posts lovely things on social media about his wife, and I dont get posted about, I feel hurt.

I feel I want more than just being shared with someone else. I didn't think I'd truly fall in love until I did, and catching feelings changed how I feel about the situation. Help!
 
hearts said:
Hello, I wanted some clarification on how to feel less jealous of my boyfriends wife. We are in love with each other, and ive never been in a poly circle and finding things challenging. When he posts lovely things on social media about his wife and I dont get posted about I feel hurt. I want more than just being shared with someone else. Help!
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Don't look at his social media and/or block his wife on social media so you don't see the posts she is tagged in.
 
The thing about staying in this constant state of feeling inadequate is that it leaves scars, even when nobody is actually at fault. This can then be your baggage in a future relationship where you feel inadequate, despite the best efforts of your partner. That tires them. They leave. It becomes a cycle.
 
This is challenging stuff. I understand how you might feel "less than" when you’re not acknowledged in the same way. Be careful though about what you’re telling yourself the differences in treatment mean. This is not an open and accepting society we live in. Being outed on social media as non-monogamous can have life-altering negative consequences. So “equal treatment” may be ideal, but not realistic or reasonable. Avoiding things on social media that will bother you is a great way to start.

If you’re seeing each other a few times per week, it sounds (to me) like your partner is investing a good amount of time in the relationship. Are you making the most of that time together?

As far as actually handling the green-eyed monster goes, do your research. Know what jealousy is and is not. I’m assuming you respect the existing relationship between your partner and his wife and knew that they were sexually active before you came along. If this is the case, then you’re in a really good place to work through the discomfort you’re feeling. Hang in there.
 
I think for me it's like he would post his wife, but not me. I've posted us on social media and we didn't get anything negative from doing that, so I don't feel it's that so much.

Yes, he has invested a good amount of time. We had been seeing each other 3 days a week, with sleepovers. But his wife wasn't happy about it, so we scaled it back to two days and nights he stays with me for.

Yes, they had been sexual, but not overly. But we are very active. It's not just about the sex. There are obviously times when we don't have sex and still enjoy our time together.

The wife makes my partner call her every night before bed when he is with me. I've never asked for the same treatment as her in that way, but don't feel he would do that. She tries to limit the contact we have with each other, and as he still loves her as his wife, he bends for her and not me.

In the same respect,, I feel every night he's with her I'm being cheated on, even though I know the situation and what I went into. I just didn't think I'd feel like this or fall madly in love with him. I'm just really struggling!

I've told him that eventually I won't want to share anymore and that I want to get remarried and be in a different environment in the future.

Thank you for your advice.
 
hearts said:
The wife makes my partner call her every night before bed when he is with me and ive never asked for the same treatment as her in that way but dont feel he would do that. She tries to limit the contact we have with each other and as he still loves her as his wife he bends for her and not me. In the same respect. I feel every night he's with her im being cheated on even though I know the situation and what I went into just didn't think id feel like this or fall madly in love with him, im just really struggling! Ive told him that eventually I wont want to share anymore and that I want to get re married and be in a different environment for the future. Thank you for your advice
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You and your partner may love each other, but it sounds like you don't have the same vision of where this relationship is headed. Your goals and plans for the future are not compatible with the reality that exists *today*. As long as you keep wishing and hoping for monogamy with this man, you will not overcome your jealousy.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

To me, it sounds like you actually want monogamy. You maybe went into this to try and see, and after trying you saw that polyamory really wasn't your deal. But now you have feelings for the guy, so it makes it harder to break up and walk away. Is that the problem?


I think for me it's like he would post his wife but not me. But I've posted us on social media and we didn't get anything negative from doing that, so I don't feel it's that, so much.
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For YOUR social media followers, he's just a person you are dating. They may not know he's married, or poly. So why would you posting stuff cause you any issues? For HIS social media followers, he might not be open with all of them that he is poly.

You each get to manage your social media how you want. That is fair. If you don't like how he manages his, stop looking at his social media if leads to you thinking things that upset you. Or block the wife, reduce the guy, manage your settings, etc., to be at the level that suits you better, so when you look at it, you don't start thinking things that upset you.

The wife makes my partner call her every night before bed when he is with me
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Stop framing it this way. The guy CHOOSES to honor the shared agreements he made with his wife. Put the responsibility squarely on his shoulders.

Now, HOW he meets those agreements might annoy you, if he's texting her in bed with you right there. So you might have to request your OWN agreements for "No texting her in bed next to me." Then he has to get up and text his wife from the kitchen or something so he can meet his agreements with BOTH partners.

If he really is a "wife puppet," why on earth would you date him?

I've never asked for the same treatment as her in that way, but don't feel he would do that.
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Are you saying you don't think he'd ever text you goodnight from his house, so because you think this, you don't bother to make the request, then feel bad he does it for her because she DID request it?


She tries to limit the contact we have with each other and as he still loves her as his wife, he bends for her and not me.
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How does she do this behavior to you? Are you hearing too much about her from HIM?

Don't go over to her house.

And if he's oversharing, like, "My wife says/does/feels/wants me to XYZ" at you, tell him you want separate, parallel poly. You prefer he sorts out (Him + Wife) problems over THERE on that side of the V on his own time, without telling you about it all. And over HERE, on this side of the V leave it on (Him + You) stuff.

You are not the free therapist. Minor updates when he comes over like "No details, but my wife and I were having a thing earlier. I have a headache now. Is it okay if I take an Advil and have a little 15-20 min rest on the sofa before our date? I still want to do it, but I need for some Advil to kick in first."

That's fair and reasonable. People sometimes have headaches. But notice how he could drop all mention of his wife even if it's low level. And it still works on your side of the V. You do not need to know about what is going on with his wife even on a low level if you aren't up for hearing it.

Telling you TMI and him treating you like a free therapist is too much, and it's poor manners.

I feel every night he's with her I'm being cheated on, even though I knew the situation and what I went into. I just didn't think I'd feel like this or fall madly in love with him. I'm just really struggling!
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Then perhaps it's time to call it. Polyamory is not the situation for you.

You have to be able to say "I like/love you a lot. But not even for you am I going to do stuff I don't want, continue in stuff that feels yucky, or participate in things that hurt me. That's asking too much."

I've told him that eventually I won't want to share anymore and that I want to get remarried and be in a different environment.
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Does this mean you don't want this permanently, it is a short-term relationship for you, and it ends on ____? That's fair. There's nothing wrong with short-term relationships as long as the people doing them agree on the deadline. You enjoy it for what it is and part ways decently on [date].

Are you saying you want him to divorce his wife eventually and marry you? Something else?

Did you stop dating others? This is a poly relationship. You could be dating other people.

Galagirl
 
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His wife doesn't MAKE him do anything. He's an adult and chooses to meet her needs for phone calls on nights not spent with her. He chooses to limit time with you. He chooses how to handle his relationships.

It sounds like neither you nor his wife are actually enthusiastically consenting to this relationship structure. You want monogamy and marriage. She wants (monogamy or polyamory or some other brand of open? Unknown) and marriage with the perks of being primary (she gets the most time and consideration). Neither one of you are WRONG. She may be getting what she wants, but you're not in the right situation to get what you want.

What is your ultimate goal? Are you trying to cowgirl him (get him to break up with his wife to be monogamous with you)? Are you trying to get more comfortable with the status quo so you can continue as is? Are you trying to renegotiate so that there's more of a compromise that you can all hopefully be happy with long term?
 
This must be hard for you. But I have to ask, how long have you been seeing your bf? Also, is there any age difference? Do your bf and his wife have children? I only ask for context.
 
Hello hearts,
Here are some links for coping with jealousy:
I hope that helps.

Also you may want to talk to him, and ask him if he'd be willing to post some lovely things about you on social media, unless he is "in the closet" about his polyness.

It sounds like his wife is pushing against your place in the picture, and he is favoring his wife. This indicates that your jealousy may be a warning bell that you are not being treated right. Maybe you need to sit down and have a talk with him/them.

Honestly, it sounds like poly is not for you. I hope you find a better partner soon.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.
 
Brazen said:
This must be hard for you. But I have to ask, how long have you been seeing your bf? Also, is there any age difference? Do your bf and his wife have children? I only ask for
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kdt26417 said:
Hello hearts,
Here are some links for coping with jealousy:
I hope that helps.

Also you may want to talk to him, and ask him if he'd be willing to post some lovely things about you on social media, unless he is "in the closet" about his polyness.

It sounds like his wife is pushing against your place in the picture, and he is favoring his wife. This indicates that your jealousy may be a warning bell that you are not being treated right. Maybe you need to sit down and have a talk with him/them.

Honestly, it sounds like poly is not for you. I hope you find a better partner soon.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.
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He said he would post me, as I have posted, and tagged him into mine and his pics and stuff, but hasn't yet. He's not in the closet and neither is the wife. My status isn't shared. I've felt jealous sometimes. I feel like he favours her over me and that is hard.

We have spoken about a future before, like if I'm no longer with my wife, what would our lives be like? And if we ever got married, what would it be like? They are dreams.
 
Hi hearts,

You should talk to him, and explain to him that he is favoring his wife over you, and that that is unfair to you. Also that you are still waiting for him to post some things about you on social media. In general, he should invest as much into you as you have invested into him. Of course you are going to feel jealous if you are being treated unfairly.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
He knows that he can't give me what he gives her, because I'm not the wife. I will never have time spent equally, unfortunately. I will mention the social posts again to him.

I give him all of me, mind body and soul, with just the hope that I will be equal one day. I'd love to be his all, like she is his all. I can pray for that one day.
 
Yeah, sometimes things take a lot of patience and time. You can't expect to equal his wife in rank and priority right away, but as you continue to be in the picture, you should be able to accumulate more privilege, eventually being comparable to her or even equal. I know it's hard to look at that and see it as a dream, only to return to reality in the present which is not so pleasant. I hope you can hang in there, and gradually earn the points you deserve.
 
You forgot to answer how long you have been with your bf. No one that is in a poly relationship with someone who is already in an established relationship can expect to immediately be the spouse's equal in every way. Even if you become deeply infatuated really quickly, even if your bf does, he still has other responsibilities.

NRE can make us feel obsessed with our new partner. It's a hormonal thing. Your hormones are racing and you want to be with your new sexy partner as much as possible. But in reality, it is not healthy for anyone, mono or poly, to just drop everything and do nothing but be with the new person. You don't get to be on a honeymoon 24/7. Even if you get formally married, a honeymoon only lasts a set time (for most of us, 2 weeks, max) and then we have to tend to our jobs, kids, household chores, dependent parents, car maintenance, dr appointments, etc., etc.

Don't let your lovey-dovey hormones divorce you from reality. Allow the relationship to grow at its proper pace, be patient. You might risk losing him altogether.

My own newer bf highly respects my longer-term relationship with my gf. He loves me and knows I will be happier with him if I remain happy with her, and can keep giving her enough of my time. No relationship can be neglected. All must be in balance. My gf gets 60% of my time and my bf gets about 40%, most weeks, but sometimes the percentages switch, as needed.
 
hearts said:
I feel I want more than just being shared with someone else. I didn't think I'd truly fall in love until I did, and catching feelings changed how I feel about the situation. Help!
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You want all of him, but he's not available for that. You won't get what you want poly-dating with married-guy. Gather your dignity around you, and end it with him before it gets more toxic for you. Get out of this situation, go find someone you don't have to share, someone you don't have to ask to post about you on social media. It will kill for a while, but someday you'll look back on this as a learning experience.
 
I know. The problem is, we went from seeing each other so much, making plans and stuff, to him having to scale it back because his wife was not happy about it. So you go from that extreme to putting it back. It was hard. And for her to still not be happy, even when he's done this for her. And now she spends more time away from home, and it's like-- why? When you asked him to spend more time with you, then you keep going out, not spending quality time with him. And therefore, I miss out too. It's just really not fair!
 
I am concerned that because you have strong feelings for him, you are going along with stuff that is hurting you, hoping that "one day" he will see and appreciate this "sacrifice" you are doing, when really, he is okay how it is. Are you doing that here? :(

My bf and I see each other a few times a week. We are in love with each other.
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You mentioned it was reduced. BF scaled it back from 3 days a week to 2 days a week. How long ago was this change?

He knows that he can't give me what he gives her, because I'm not the wife. I will never have time spent equally, unfortunately.
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Can you be at peace with that? Do you get enough time to make it worthwhile?

I give him all of me, mind, body and soul, with just the hope that I will be equal one day. I'd love to be his all, like she is his all. I can pray for that one day.
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This "equal" seems to be about your BF valuing you as much as he values his wife, rather than equal time spent together. Is that true?

Why are you giving this much? Apart from time spent together, what do you need from BF to feel valued? Is he doing it?

He said he would post me, as I have posted, and tagged him into mine and his pics and stuff, but hasn't yet.
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How long ago was that? Did he keep his word? Or was he saying "whatever," to placate you in the moment, without any intention of following through? It doesn't take long to make a social media post.

I know the problem is we went from seeing each other so much making plans and stuff, to him having to scale it back because his wife was not happy about it. So you go from that extreme to put back it was hard and for her to still not be happy even when he's done thst for her. And now she spends more time away from home and its like why when you asked him to spend more time with you then you keep going out not spending quality time with him. And therefore i miss out too its just mot really fair!
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How long have BF and wife been practicing poly? How long have you been dating this BF?

How do you know what his wife does on her schedule and how she spends her time? Is she telling you? Is BF telling you? If the wife is out doing something else, and BF chooses to spend this time doing something else... what's not fair about it to you? He can't go bowling, see his friends?

I've told him that eventually I won't want to share anymore and that I want to get remarried and be in a different environment in the future.
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Where do you see this going, long term? It will not be you marrying this BF. He is already married.

When does the "eventually" happen? Do you have a time limit in mind? It already sounds like it feels bad to you here. So... what is the dealbreaker point to you?

We have spoken about a future before, like if I'm no longer with my wife, what would our lives be like? And if we ever got married, what would it be like? They are dreams.
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Is he telling you that? He daydreams with you about what (you + him) would be like if he dumped his wife? If he has no intention of divorce, I think it's mean to talk about his wife like that, and mean to talk like that to you, because then he's getting your hopes up as a monogamous person. It would be kinder to tell you flat out what he can offer you, and then you could decide if that's good enough for you or not, rather than bf just stringing you along. :(

Galagirl
 
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hearts said:
I know the problem is we went from seeing each other so much making plans and stuff, to him having to scale it back because his wife was not happy about it. So you go from that extreme to put back it was hard and for her to still not be happy even when he's done thst for her. And now she spends more time away from home and its like why when you asked him to spend more time with you then you keep going out not spending quality time with him. And therefore i miss out too its just mot really fair!
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How long have the two of you been seeing each other? HOW LONG? Please acknowledge that you have seen this question.
 
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