Can you not be on a relationship escalator in a monogamous relationship?

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Hello,

I posted looking for advice and support recently about opening things up with my long-term boyfriend. It was his suggestion and I was very hesitant.

Cliff notes: he went away for a night with a “friend” two weeks ago and I had a very hard time with it.

We got matching tattoos on Valentine’s Day… his idea. He said he wanted to prove his love and commitment to me. He then saw his “friend” one night the next weekend, which happened to carry over to the next morning, which was my birthday. Yes, we only had plans for that evening, so he of course said, "What’s the issue?"

But it hurt. More than I had expected. Short story long, he actually had remorse and ended things with her after two overnights in two weeks. He said it was because he didn’t gel with her and she had red flags. Okay.

We ended up driving 10 hours to visit his mom in another state. I had never met her. We talked for hours the entire trip, got even closer than we were. He spoke of not wanting to live without me, about how much he loves me and how I was irreplaceable. Of course, that’s amazing to hear, but with what’s been going on, I’m gun-shy. I look at him and us differently since his two overnights. He sees this.

I told him I’m not trying to change him or control him. He needs to be himself. But I need to look out for me. And what I felt those two weeks was just awful. We discussed it at length.

Now he says he’s going to deep dive and find a solution. Idk what that means. And again i told him I refuse to be that person who inhibits him. But it’s not for me, and I have to put myself first now. He keeps saying he thinks as long as we are not on the relationship escalator, maybe we can work.

We are both late 40s. Already were married with kids. I told him from day one I was not looking for that. But we just CLICKED and we hate being apart.

So my question is: can you be in a committed exclusive relationship without being on the relationship escalator? He says we have already been pretty much practicing that, in that we don’t want marriage or kids and are pretty unconventional. I don’t mind being unconventional, just can’t and won’t stick around for the multiple-partner lifestyle.

Thank you for “listening!”

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi CCC,

You got lots of great feedback on your other thread. Now it seems you're still not happy being with a poly guy, but you're in grief about it and bending yourself into pretzels trying to see a way to date him despite wanting a mono relationship.

Sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes the first attraction doesn't move into long-term compatibility. Getting tattoos was probably a mistake. But then, couples getting matching tattoos is almost always a mistake.

Everyone who is in any kind of longer-term relationship is on the escalator. You choose which floor to ride to. Or you choose to get off the escalator and leave the store, so to speak. You might be shopping in the wrong store. You're going against what your gut is telling you:

I just can’t and won’t stick around for the multiple-partner lifestyle.

Period.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

You can absolutely be in an exclusive relationship without living together or sharing finances or co-parenting

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Hi CCC,

You got lots of great feedback on your other thread. Now it seems you're still not happy being with a poly guy, but you're in grief about it and bending yourself into pretzels trying to see a way to date him despite wanting a mono relationship.

Sometimes love is not enough. Sometimes the first attraction doesn't move into long-term compatibility. Getting tattoos was probably a mistake. But then, couples getting matching tattoos is almost always a mistake.

Everyone who is in any kind of longer-term relationship is on the escalator. You choose which floor to ride to. Or you choose to get off the escalator and leave the store, so to speak. You might be shopping in the wrong store. You're going against what your gut is telling you:



Period.

Thank you for your candid reply. Much appreciated.

 

[Bobbi]

Yes, you can have a mono relationship without the escalator. You can got off at whatever floor you want. But I don’t think the escalator is your issue. Poly is. He wants it and you don’t. It’s not compatible.

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Yes, you can have a mono relationship without the escelator. You can got off at whatever floor you want. But I don’t think the escalator is your issue. Poly is. He wants it and you don’t. It’s not compatible.

Agreed. But then he acts like he doesn’t. I’m not versed in poly. I understand there are several types of poly relationships and situations.

Having said that, he told me he was guilt-ridden the first night with his “friend," and not by anything I said or did. I never contacted him while he was away with her. I vented to friends instead. Okay, I get that on the first venture out into polyamory, there will be a whirlwind of emotions for him. But why feel so much guilt and really not enjoy yourself if you're poly?

My response to him when he told me that was, So was it worth the “experiment?” He didn’t have an answer. Then he couldn’t get enough of me/us.

Matching tats. Yes, I agreed to it. I have tats, so no biggie. It was his first and only.

Then he cancelled plans with his friend to be with me one night. I didn’t ask him too. His own volition.

Then he had the overnight with her into my birthday. That stung. Badly. Again, I didn’t bother him at all while he was with her. Leaned on friends.

He texted me when he was home, “Happy birthday. Can’t wait to see you tonight.” Ugh.

At dinner his floodgates opened. "I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to live without you. I hate myself. It wasn’t worth hurting you." Poly?

Then he takes me 10 hours to visit his mom whom I’ve never met and he hasn’t seen in many years. I asked him why. He said, "You’re the most important person to me. And it’s important to me that she knows you’re a part of my life." Poly?

I guess I’m so not versed in it and just don’t understand how any of his reactions and actions and words are poly.

And then he brings up the relationship escalator, saying if we aren’t on it we may be ok. That’s the reason I posted, to ask about that.

And yes… I have very much recently been diving introspectively into what i am doing and where this is going, especially the last two weeks. We have discussed it. I’m one foot out the door just for my well-being. I’m here to vent and get feedback. And I thank you all for that!

 

[Bobbi]

I’m not versed on poly and I understand there are several types of poly relationships and situations. Having said that, he told me he was guilt ridden the first night with “friend”. And not by anything I said or did. I never contacted him while he was away with her and I vented to friends instead. Ok I get first venture out in polyamory, there will be a whirlwind of emotions for him. But why so much guilt and really not enjoying yourself if your Poly? My response to him when he told me that was, ok so was it worth the “experiment?” He didn’t have an answer. Then he couldn’t get enough of me/us. Matching Tats. Yes. I agreed to it. I have Tats so no biggie. It was his first and only. Then he cancelled plans with friend to be with me one night. Didn’t ask him too. His own volition. Then him having an overnight with her into my birthday. That stung. Badly. Again, Didn’t bother him at all while he was with her. Leaned on friends . He texted me when he was home “happy birthday can’t wait to see you tonight.” Ugh. At dinner his floodgates opened. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to live without you. I hate myself. It wasn’t worth hurting you. Poly? Then he takes me 10 hours to visit his mom whom I’ve never met and he hasn’t seen in many years. I asked him why? He said you’re the most important person to me. And it’s important to me that she knows you’re a part of my life. Poly? I guess I’m so not versed in it and just don’t understand how any of his reactions and actions and words are Poly. And then he brings up the relationship escalator. Saying if we aren’t on it we may be ok. That’s the reason I posted. To ask about that. And yes…I have very much recently been diving introspectively into what i am doing and where this is going. Especially last two weeks. We have discussed it. I’m one foot out the door just for my well being. I’m here to vent and get feedback. And I thank you all for that!

Was this his first experience? That could explain the guilt. Monogamy programming is strong. I had guilt my first time too, but got a lot of support and reassurance from my partner.

But if he felt the way you do, I’d be mono with him. For me, I'm ambiamorous (can easily do either mono or poly) but after experiencing it, my preference is poly. I want to be able to explore if random connections come up without guilt or having to say “No, I can’t. It’s not okay.”

You two just need to find out what he really wants. You might be monogamous.

 

[Magdlyn]

Agreed. But then he acts like he doesn’t. I’m not versed in poly. I understand there are several types of poly relationships and situations.

Having said that, he told me he was guilt-ridden the first night with his “friend," and not by anything I said or did. I never contacted him while he was away with her. I vented to friends instead. Okay, I get that on the first venture out into polyamory, there will be a whirlwind of emotions for him. But why feel so much guilt and really not enjoy yourself if you're poly?

My response to him when he told me that was, So was it worth the “experiment?” He didn’t have an answer. Then he couldn’t get enough of me/us.
Tats...
Then he cancelled plans with his friend to be with me one night. I didn’t ask him too. His own volition.
Then he had the overnight with her into my birthday. That stung. Badly. Again, I didn’t bother him at all while he was with her. Leaned on friends.
He texted me when he was home, “Happy birthday. Can’t wait to see you tonight.” Ugh.

Why "ugh"? Because you don't understand his mindset, his emotions?

At dinner his floodgates opened. "I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to live without you. I hate myself. It wasn’t worth hurting you." Poly?

Sure. We are all conditioned to be monogamous. So just because he can have feelings and desires for two people at once doesn't mean he is automatically an expert at navigating everything. Maybe he has mixed feelings. He's drawn to others but he doesn't want to hurt you by making blunders as a newbie.

Then he takes me 10 hours to visit his mom, whom I’ve never met and he hasn’t seen in many years. I asked him why. He said, "You’re the most important person to me. And it’s important to me that she knows you’re a part of my life." Poly?

Sure. Meeting the parents, though, is one more step on that escalator. It almost always denotes more serious feelings for a person. My gf Pixi's bf Malachi didn't introduce her to his brother and parents until they'd been dating 7 years lol. But apparently his mom is very critical and he'd never really had a serious r'ship before and he didn't want her input. (She's turned out to be lovely.)

You didn't have to go meet his mom, btw. Why did you agree to, if you have one foot out the door?

I guess I’m so not versed in it and just don’t understand how any of his reactions and actions and words are poly.

And then he brings up the relationship escalator, saying if we aren’t on it, we may be okay. That’s the reason I posted, to ask about that.

Okay. You are on it, though. He's wrong.

And yes… I have very much recently been diving introspectively into what I am doing and where this is going, especially the last two weeks. We have discussed it. I’m one foot out the door just for my well-being. I’m here to vent and get feedback. And I thank you all for that!

 

[Evie]

Personally I'd also say meeting Mom is on the escalator, but you can still stop short of shared living, property, finances and kids. So rather than use the vague phrasing about the escalator, you could ask him what he means specifically, where he wants it to stop.

And sure, he didn't want to continue dating this person, but will he want to date others in the future? For you, if he says "yes" you're out. For him, he knows this and may agree to monogamy under duress, or in this height of smittenness with you, but it isn't sustainable for him in the long run. Only time will tell, really.

It's really hard to advise you (other than to respect and enforce your own boundaries) without knowing his perspective. Is he poly, or was this simply a curious phase and he's realised that he's better suited to monogamy. Or he's just not great at being poly yet.

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Was this his first experience? That could explain the guilt. Monogamy programming is strong. I had guilt my first time too but got a lot of support and reassurance from my partner but if he felt the way you do, i’d be mono with him. For me, im ambiamorous (can easily do either mono or poly) but after experiencing it my preference is poly. I want to be able to explore if random connections come up without guilt or having to say “no, i can’t, it’s not okay.”

You two just need to find out what he really wants. You might be monogamous

Yes it was his first experience. Then, the second time with her, a week later, he broke it off with her. He said he hated himself for how everything went down, told me he doesn’t want to lose me and doesn’t want to live without me. Again, I never bothered him either time he was with her. All him.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

You do realize that just because you aren't speaking up while he's with someone else he still knows how you feel, right? If YOU are pulling away (which is fine if you don't want to be with a poly person), then he's likely going to notice even if you aren't blowing up his phone or being dramatic about it.

It isn't that far fetched to think that he realized he hurt you or pushed you too quickly and overdid the apology. He did something that looks to me like love bombing (big statements of love, family introductions, matching tattoos).

Is your boundary more like "I'm okay with you dating others as long as (insert your needs here)" or is it more "I want monogamy, so I will only be with someone who also wants monogamy"?

If it's the first - communicate your needs and let it go. Accept that even if he wants to do big life stuff with you, he can also do big life stuff with others without it taking away from you.
If it's the second - enforce your boundary by NOT dating and doing big life stuff with someone who isn't monogamous.

The relationship escalator is not dependent on relationship style. People jump on the escalator with monogamous partners, polyamorous partners, and platonic partners. It's just about finding what works for the people involved.

 

[Crinkle Cut Cat]

Personally I'd also say meeting Mom is on the escalator, but you can still stop short of shared living, property, finances and kids. So rather than use the vague phrasing about the escalator, you could ask him what he means specifically, where he wants it to stop.

And sure, he didn't want to continue dating this person, but will he want to date others in the future? For you, if he says "yes" you're out. For him, he knows this and may agree to monogamy under duress, or in this height of smittenness with you, but it isn't sustainable for him in the long run. Only time will tell, really.

It's really hard to advise you (other than to respect and enforce your own boundaries) without knowing his perspective. Is he poly, or was this simply a curious phase and he's realised that he's better suited to monogamy. Or he's just not great at being poly yet.

Thank you!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Crinkle Cut Cat,

I believe you can be in a committed exclusive relationship without being on the relationship escalator. This may not be true for all couples, but I think it's true for some. The problem is, that I don't know if your boyfriend is up for an exclusive relationship. He's been pretty adamant about his polyness in the past. On the other hand, I'm not sure if you can break up with him, the two of you seem to be inseparable. So maybe the only possible answer is to figure out how to be okay with his polyness? or a way to get him to be monogamous?

Sorry, I don't know of any easy answers.
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I told him I’m not trying to change him or control him. He needs to be himself. But I need to look out for me.

And again i told him I refuse to be that person who inhibits him. But it’s not for me, and I have to put myself first now. He keeps saying he thinks as long as we are not on the relationship escalator, maybe we can work.

Yup. You need to watch out for your own well-being and honor your own preferences/values. I see you saying it over and over.

Did you change your mind on doing "two cycles of 6/2" and decided to call it early? Like, are you are trying to do a "soft" break up with him and let him down easy, and he won't accept this or listen and it's becoming a drag? If so, maybe it's time to be more firm.

I don’t mind being unconventional, I just can’t and won’t stick around for the multiple-partner lifestyle.

Then don't. Stop dating this guy because he wants more than one partner and you aren't into that. Full stop. There's no solution/compromise. You two just want different things for your romantic relationships.

So my question is: can you be in a committed exclusive relationship without being on the relationship escalator?

Sure. Usually I see it in older couples that were already married before and don't want to do it again, already did the kid thing, etc. They want to have long-term companionship, but don't want to "merge" anything and want to keep their own homes. Sleeping over and helping at each other's houses? Sure. But no big mergers They pick and choose what they want to share.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pwkdxp

But I don't think relationship escalator is the issue here. It's that you want monogamy and he does not.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

Usually I see [no escalator] in older couples that were already married before and don't want to do it again, already did the kid thing, etc. They want to have long-term companionship, but don't want to "merge" anything, and want to keep their own homes. Sleeping over and helping at each other's houses? Sure. But no big mergers They pick and choose what they want to share.

Sleeping over and helping each other with chores ARE floors of the escalator, though! Maybe we need to define the floors of the escalator better. The early floors, meeting, talking, first date, subsequent dates, first sex, sleepovers, weekends together, getting more involved in non-romantic things like helping with chores (cooking for each other, helping with dishes and laundry, vacuuming floors, small household projects, grocery shopping, dog walking, etc.) are all floors on the relationship escalator.

The escalator floors aren't just meeting each others' friends and families, taking vacations together, getting a place together, getting a pet together, combining finances and buying cars or a house together, getting married, having kids, retiring together. These are just the upper floors. The lower floors ARE places to get off the escalator, if that's all you want. Do people not understand this (Kevin, GG)? Let's not confuse things.

Getting off the escalator on a lower floor-- you still rode that escalator, just not to the top. I hope that's clear.

 

[GalaGirl]

Sleeping over and helping each other with chores ARE floors of the escalator, though!

For some people they can be. For others, not necessarily. One can sleep over and help with chores with friends. That doesn't mean it's a romantic relationship escalator there. One can do those things with a romantic partner and it's not a huge deal to get brunch and hit the farmer's market to get groceries for both houses.

Getting off the escalator on a lower floor-- you still rode that escalator, just not to the top. I hope that's clear.

Sure. People don't have to ride it to "the top."

People can pick what they feel like sharing from the Relationship Menu if they want to take a non-escalator approach.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pwkdxp

But I still don't think "relationship escalator" OR "relationship menu" is the issue here. I think the issue is one partner wanting monogamy and the other partner does not.

And then he brings up the relationship escalator, saying if we aren’t on it, we may be okay. That’s the reason I posted, to ask about that.

I think he's starting to see the writing on the wall that this is not compatible and likely a break up. So he is doing "Let's make it work ANYWAY!" bargaining stage of grief stuff.

Which just confuses you more, CrinkleCut. Because now here's this other side quest topic. "What is a "relationship escalator" and do I have to care?" Like he's just flinging vocab at you for distraction or something.

CrinkleCut, I don't think you can get clear answers from him right now. You have to decide for your own self what you do and do no feel like putting up with. Be decisive. Honor your own core values, and what it is you want in a dating partner. If he doesn't make the cut any more? He just doesn't.

If you still want to do that 6/2 thing? To see how you feel through the experience? Do your two cycles then. Then come to a firm decision. YOU can be firm about it even if he's all over the place.

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

Sleeping over and helping each other with chores ARE floors of the escalator, though! Maybe we need to define the floors of the escalator better. The early floors, meeting, talking, first date, subsequent dates, first sex, sleepovers, weekends together, getting more involved in non-romantic things like helping with chores (cooking for each other, helping with dishes and laundry, vacuuming floors, small household projects, grocery shopping, dog walking, etc.) are all floors on the relationship escalator.

The escalator floors aren't just meeting each others' friends and families, taking vacations together, getting a place together, getting a pet together, combining finances and buying cars or a house together, getting married, having kids, retiring together. These are just the upper floors. The lower floors ARE places to get off the escalator, if that's all you want. Do people not understand this (Kevin, GG)? Let's not confuse things.

Getting off the escalator on a lower floor-- you still rode that escalator, just not to the top. I hope that's clear.

I thought that the rules of the escalator were that you never got off and must ride it to the top or break up. No other choices.

Being able to stop at any floor is stopping the escalator so you can get off at friends, lovers, meeting family, living together, wherever, as long as you don’t take it to the top, which is usually marriage or kids, depending on the couple.

This shows that everyone has their own idea of what things mean and why communication in relationships needs to go further to really clarify you are on the same page.

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

I thought that the rules of the escalator is that you never get off and ride it to the top or break up. No other choices.

Being able to stop at any floor is stopping the escelator and you can get off at friends, lovers, meeting family, living together, wherever as long as you don’t take it to the top which is usually marriage or kids depending on the couple.

This shows that everyone has their own idea of what things mean and why communication in relationships needs to go further to really clarify you are on the same page.

Oooh maybe we need to add relationship elevator vs escalator? Escalator = go to the top or jump off to start at the bottom with someone else in the future. Elevator = choose your destination anywhere between the bottom and the top.

 

[Magdlyn]

Haha, I guess I thought of a big multi-storey department store, where there are escalators between each floor, so you ride up one floor, get off, look around that floor, then seek out the next up escalator, ride to the next floor, look around, and so on, until you find a floor that feels complete to you and your partner.

Of course, if you pick a floor and it feels like it's too much, you can always ride back DOWN a floor or two. That's a whole other thread, maybe!

 

[Bobbi]

Oooh maybe we need to add relationship elevator vs escalator? Escalator = go to the top or jump off to start at the bottom with someone else in the future. Elevator = choose your destination anywhere between the bottom and the top.

YES!!! I see the elevator as the best mode for poly as you can go both up and down or get off. No need to end if the relationship changes. escalator only goes up.