New to poly and in over my head

bawg-witch

bawg-witch

New member
Hi everyone, my partner of 10+ years decided last year that we were interested in either opening up our relationship or being polyamorous. I am personally interested in pursuing romantic, emotional sexual and social connections. He might be more on the open casual sex side. He's aware of what I want out of polyamory. Months ago, he had mentioned the possibility of a "Don't ask, don't tell" scenario between us, but I don't think we ever settled on that as an approach. If nothing else, it seems like it could be difficult to maintain in a relatively small community.

Recently I had sparks with another man and have pursued it over the last two weeks––drinks, lunch, a walk, a make-out on the couch, a naked romp in the bed that was divine. At this point, I definitely feel emotionally invested, am concerned about having my heart broken, am thinking about the other person frequently, and I still haven't mentioned it to my partner. The person I have recently connected with is aware of our "open" relationship and that my partner doesn't yet know about us.

I'm planning to talk to my partner tonight. Can anyone here speak to finding themselves this far in, emotionally and physically, without having disclosed intentions to the original partner, or even fully understanding the boundaries? If so, how did you approach it successfully? I have a history of cheating in other relationships, which is one of the reasons (after a great deal of soul-searching and research) I realized monogamy might not be for me. But I don't want to continue a lifestyle of betrayal. I simply want to be able to love more than one person. It's just that I'm a bit far in right now.
 
Tell your husband, NOW. You did not agree on a DADT arrangement. Your nesting partner/sexual partner should always know when you are having sex with someone else, and to be told you are practicing safer sex. Even if you are practicing safer sex, sometimes partners want to use condoms with each other when there is another sexual partner in the picture. Also, there is always the possibility (if you are fertile) that you can become pregnant, which would affect your primary partner.

I know you have a history of cheating, and keeping this new relationship as a secret is a holdover from that. Stop that. Be transparent. :)
 
Well, since you don't quite know if he's wanting DADT or not, don't tell him any information he doesn't want to hear. You may have jumped the gun, you may not have. Right now, you don't know. Although if you're here, asking this, you actually probably know...

I'd start with, "Honey, I'm a little unsure where we are on our relationship agreements around non-monogamy. Could we clarify these, please? Is now a good time, or would you want a few days to think things through again yourself?"

And in case it's a "No, I don't want any form of non-monogamy" answer from him, it's probably well worth backing off with this new guy until you've hammered out at least the basics. Usually hammering out the basics takes months, if not years. So, if you're going to try and fast track that, be prepared for the blow-back, including divorce, so you can go your own separate ways, in order to have the relationship structures you want with people who share those wants.
 
Greetings laurel-bonfire,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Love is always a gamble, both in monogamy and in open/poly. You are experiencing some NRE with your new partner, which is both euphoric and terrifying. Your partner of ten-plus years knows you want to be poly and is apparently okay with that, but you should let him know about your new partner as soon as you can, especially considering how involved you are with your new partner. I don't recommend don't-ask-don't-tell arrangements, but apparently they work for some people.

Hopefully I can be of help.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
I talked to my partner last night. I didn't disclose the details, but I said there was someone I was interested in and I wanted to talk about where things were at in terms of openness. I guess we weren't on the same page at all. He is being fairly open-minded and it wasn't a bad conversation, but he does not want to share me with someone else. He said we have too much to work to do in our own relationship. He did say he would keep thinking about it.

I have trouble accepting this. I feel a bit misled by previous conversations. At one point, this seemed to be something we had mutually agreed on (though we definitely hadn't attended to the details). He has been doing quite a bit of research about polyamory and open relationships in the last year, and I really thought we both wanted to explore it.

I understand where he's coming from, and I know I'm just going to have to be respectful of where he's at right now. But I know my needs are real. I feel like I have to lobby for myself and my needs a bit here, but yesterday he seemed to feel it was just a matter of overindulgence, eating too much candy, etc. My heart hurts.

More advice would be welcome. Thanks for everything, so far.
 
Welcome. I'm sorry you are struggling.

I feel a bit misled by previous conversations.. at one point this seemed to be something we had mutually agreed on (though we definitely hadn't attended to the details).
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it sounds like Partner thought it was "still under discussion," but you thought it was, "We are open now. Both sides can date." Is that true? Did you both assume different things? Or did you know it was NOT actually open and just jumped the gun?

He said we have too much to work to do on our own relationship.
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How did this "backlog" happen? Were you both not attending to the relationship? Or is it new stuff to process before opening up?

My partner of 10+ years decided last year that we were interested in either opening up our relationship or being polyamorous.
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Does that mean it's been a year of discussion, and both of you were supposed to be doing the work, and you did it, but he didn't? Are you ready to poly-date now, but he wants you to wait because HE didn't do his homework?

He is being fairly open-minded, and it wasn't a bad conversation, but he does not want to share me with someone else.
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I think you could have another talk with him to unpack that. Some people can make "open/poly" work out, like, they might agree to be open to casual sex on one side and polyamory the other side. But if he's not up for sharing you emotionally: he doesn't mind you having casual sex one-time things, but has a big problem with you having a full-on partner, a GF or BF, a full relationship, you two might have to accept you are not compatible.

So you'll either need to give up the want for non-monogamy, and just remain you two, or you'll have to break up as peacefully as possible, because you want different things now.

There can be a time of "wait and see" and mulling things over, but it cannot be forever.

For the partner that does not really want change, "I'm still working on it" can become de facto monogamy. It behooves them to "never get done," because then they get to be with you and not have to change anything about the relationship. Meanwhile, you might get frustrated waiting and waiting and waiting. So be aware of that pitfall.

I think you could do your soul searching on how important poly-dating is to you, and how long you are willing to wait if your present partner wants more time. Then have honest talks with him. If you no longer want to cheat, you have to start being up-front and direct, even if the conversations are challenging to have.

Maybe you two will want to work with a poly counselor. Look here:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

Then you can measure when to start poly-dating by appointments, rather than just time passing-- "I want to start dating others after X number of counseling sessions."

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
It sounds like Partner thought it was "still under discussion" and you thought it was "Ok, we are open now. Both sides can date." Is that true? Both assumed or understood in different ways? Or did you know it was NOT actually open and you jumped the gun?

How did this "backlog" happen? Were you both not attending to the relationship? Or is it new stuff to process before opening up?


Does that mean it's been a year of discussion and both of you were supposed to be doing the work? And you did and he didn't? So you are ready to poly date now and he wants you to wait because he didn't do his homework?

I think you could have another talk with him to unpack that. Some people can make "open/poly" work out. Like open to casual sex on his side and polyamory on your side. But if he's not up for sharing you emotionally? Like he doesn't mind you having casual sex one time things. But he has a big problem with you having a full on partner, GF, or BF? Like a full relationship? You two might have to accept you are not compatible. So you either give up the want for non-monogamy and just be you two. Or you break up as peacefully as possible because you want different things now.

There can be a time of "wait and see" and mulling things over, but it cannot be forever.

And for the partner that does not really want change, "I'm still working on it" can becomes de facto monogamy. It behooves them to "never get done" because then they get to be with you and not have to change anything about the relationship. Not really. Meanwhile you might get frustrated waiting and waiting and waiting. So be aware of that pitfall.

I think you could do your soul searching on how important poly-dating is to you and how long you are willing to wait if partner wants more time. Then have honest talks with partner. If you no longer want to cheat, you have to start being up front and direct even if the conversations are challenging to have.

Maybe you two want to work with a poly counselor,

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org
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Those are all great questions. Thanks. I'll keep the conversation going. I will update.
 
As to whether you're going to confess to not only dating, but if you're going to tell your primary partner you actually had full-on sex ("a divine naked romp") with someone else... what do you think? It doesn't matter what others here have done. We may have made mistakes and regretted them. This was your mistake.

You said your partner "decided that we were interested" in an open relationship. Do you mean he decided that FOR you? Or was that mistyped? I hope you both decided you were both interested in ENM.

What kind of research have you done? Has he done? Are there books and websites you've both perused? Have you read books together and talked over the basics of Poly 101? There are clear guidelines for how best to practice polyamory and other kinds of ENM in the book Opening Up.

What you did with the other person was unethical non-monogamy. Basically, you cheated. You spent two weeks acting as if you have consent to go full speed ahead with poly-dating, when you didn't. Are you okay with breaking it off with the new guy? Are you okay with keeping your mistake a secret from your partner of 10 years? What if you have caught an STI? You'll have to confess then.
 
I've read Ethical Slut, Polysecure, Esther Perel's The State of Affairs (I read that first, which was how I arrived at polyamory in the first place), quite a few blogs/articles and listened to podcasts. I haven't read Opening Up yet, but I will, and will recommend it to him. He has mainly listened to podcasts, but has also done some reading. (He's not much of a reader.) He and I have had several conversations about opening up/being poly. I've talked about this with poly acquaintances. It's freaking complicated. There are a lot of rules. I am new to it, and old to cheating.

I'm looking for some talking points to guide us toward a better place. I admit that I sidestepped the main one, which was initial consent from my partner. I'm aware that I might need to break if off with the new person. But I also am not anyone's property and I resent that I have to behave as if I am.

We are not married. The entire reason we have been discussing this is because I don't feel that my love should belong to one person. I don't necessarily WANT him to play a role in what choices I do and do not make. And sometimes I want privacy. That comes from a real place, whether or not I am new and making mistakes. I understand this might result in an understanding that we are not compatible.

Honest question: if my partner says, "No, that doesn't work for me," but it doesn't work for me to be monogamous, do I just learn to be monogamous and fail over and over again?
 
laurel-bonfire said:
But honest question, if my partner says, "No, that doesn't work for me" but it doesn't work for me to be monogamous, do I just learn to be monogamous and fail over and over again?
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Honest answer, stranger? No, you end the relationship over this very large fundamental incompatibility.

See also: "I want kids." "I do not want kids."

Or, "I want to move to Scotland for work." "My job, friends, and family are all here in Mexico."
 
Albert Ross said:
Honest answer, stranger? No, you end the relationship over this very large fundamental incompatibility.

See also: "I want kids." "I do not want kids."

Or, "I want to move to Scotland for work." "My job, friends, and family are all here in Mexico."
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I would say that's jumping the gun a bit, as he has told me he's going to keep thinking about it and doing research. As I mentioned in my second post, he's open-minded about it. He's just not there. How are some ways I can get him there?

I understand that I didn't start things on the right foot, necessarily, but would ideally put the work into my current relationship and also get to a place where we can at least try polyamory.

Right now he's afraid of it. I'm looking for advice, not scorched-earth shit.
 
I think I'm trying to be strong for no good reason. I do NOT want to break it off with the new guy. I'm completely smitten. I feel like I'm fucking in love. It's screwing up everything. I have a headache. I want to cry. I don't want to end it. If it were up to me, I'd just keep cheating. That's where I'm at. My partner and I have been together 10 years, we have a mortgage, stepkids.... a life. I want to keep it. But I don't want to be monogamous. I realize I'm doing it wrong. That's why I'm here.

I've worked up to this for a year, believing we had some kind of understanding, but obviously not diligently enough to come to a clear understanding with my partner. This new relationship caught me by surprise. I wasn't patient. I love to indulge. I'm weak to romance. I realize it's NRE.

OK, what do I do NOW? *ducks*
 
It's okay to be emotional right now, but remember to BREATHE. Take it one thing at a time.

He's just not there. How are some ways I can get him there?
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He has to get himself there. He has to hold up his end of the stick.

But you can hold up your end of the stick -- with honesty. What you wrote is fine.

"Partner, I'm sorry. I need to make you aware that I may have jumped the gun. I started dating and shared sex with someone new. I didn't start things on the right foot, necessarily. But I would like to put the work into our current relationship and also get to a place where we can at least try polyamory. Would you be willing to see a poly-friendly couples counselor? Or would you prefer something else?"

He will either be willing to move it along or not.

Right now, he's afraid of it. I'm looking for advice, not scorched-earth shit.
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Reality is not "scorched-earth shit."

If he has thought it over and doesn't want to go there, or he is obviously going along with it just to avoid breaking up, and not because he really wants to do polyamory, you part ways, as peacefully as possible under the circumstances, with your established partner.

Then, with the new guy and anyone else after him you say: "I'm not monogamous. I won't be promising exclusivity. I will be dating other people. Can you live with that?"

But there's a space between "we are together," and "we are broken up," and it's okay to figure out where you and your long-term partner are right now, in light of this news.

Honest question: if my partner says, "No, that doesn't work for me," but it doesn't work for me to be monogamous, do I just learn to be monogamous and fail over and over again?
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No. You can quit monogamy. If you and your partner part ways, perhaps you choose to work with a poly-friendly counselor on your own, so you can let go of your cheating habits and embrace ethical polyamory.

I've talked about this with poly acquaintances. It's freaking complicated. There are a lot of rules. I am new to it, and old to cheating.
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I don't think it has to be THAT complicated, or with so many rules. You need safer sex practices, sure. But shared agreements are up to the people you poly-date and you, and how you want to arrange yourselves. It's not anyone else's business.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
With honesty. What you wrote is fine.

"Partner, I need to make you aware that I may have jumped the gun. I started dating and shared sex with someone new. I didn't start things on the right foot, necessarily, but would like to put the work into our current relationship and also get to a place where we can at least try polyamory. Would you be willing to see a poly couple counselor? Or would you prefer something else?"

He's either willing to move it along or not.



Reality is not "scorched earth shit."

If he has thought it over and doesn't want to go there, or he is obviously going along with it just to avoid breaking up and not because he really wants to do polyamory?

You part ways as peacefully as possible under the circumstances with established partner.

And with new guy and anyone else after him you say "I'm not monogamous. I won't be promising exclusivity. I will be dating other people. Can you live with that?"

Perhaps you choose to work with a poly counselor on your own so you can let go of cheating habits and embrace ethical polyamory.

Galagirl
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I definitely need to find a good counselor around here. I'm talking to my therapist on Monday and I'll see if she has any recommendations.
 
I thought I would give you all an update. Everyone's advice has been really helpful so far.

Before I went to bed I was resolved to talk about it right away this morning, in the most compassionate way possible. I had to advocate for myself. It kept me up for hours. My partner and I talked this morning over coffee in bed and got to a place where we're both onboard! He actually was excited by the end. I don't think there was an inappropriate amount of pressure coming from me or anything, though I love to broker a deal. I think he really is on board. I know this will ebb and flow, and I'm sure I'll come up against my own emotions eventually.

I still haven't 'fessed up entirely. First things first. Anyway, thanks again.
 
Thanks for that update, I'm glad to hear that things are looking up.
 
laurel-bonfire said:
My partner and I talked this morning over coffee in bed and got to a place where we're both onboard! …. I think he really is on board. I know this will ebb and flow, and I'm sure I'll come up against my own emotions eventually.

I still haven't 'fessed up entirely. First things first. Anyway, thanks again.
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It’s great that you’re getting there. A word of advice. Even if he says ‘yes’ and you’ve ‘fessed up’ and all is above board, don’t show him all your NRE excitement or chat nonstop about Newman. While everything is new, you’ll need to pace things with Oldman and give him lots of focussed and special attention. If the ground changes too quickly for him, and he starts to feel insecure or yesterday’s news, it may sabotage things for you. So be a good and steady hinge from day one!! Don’t overshare. Good luck 🤞🏼
 
It's over with the new guy. Though he knew about my partner and the open relationship and still actively pursued me, when polyamory came up and he realized I had feelings and wanted more, it all became too much for him. In a way I feel used, like I wasn't taken seriously because of my relationship status. I was seen as a temporary pursuit. Jesus christ, what a mindfuck of a week. I am sort of in shambles. Trying to find a way not to burden my partner with my sour mood.

I really think I needed that NRE. It's been a hard year. I wanted to feel desired in that way again and it was all so dreamy. Now I'm reeling from the whiplash of being rejected.

Despite all this, I know there's more out there for me, and if anything good came from it, it confirmed to me that I am who I am: a non-monogamous person. But wow. It's complicated, isn't it?
 
Sorry the new guy dropped you like that, maybe his true colors are showing a little, it's like he only valued you for an NSA ONS. Hopefully you will find better partners than that later on, you definitely deserve better.
 
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