After 14 years of marriage my husband opened up

K

kanfyoozd15

New member
New here. About me:

A little over a month ago my spouse (50s M) of 14 years (together 18 yrs) opened up to me (50s F) that he has come to the realization he is poly. He'd been thinking about this for quite some time. Ge's reached a point where it's keeping him up at night. He knows we have a strong relationship and felt it was time to have the uncomfortable discussion on how he'd like to pursue adding another love to his life to feel fulfillment. He mentioned not being interested in going out and randomly hooking up with strangers, but rather seeking another emotional connection like he has with me that could wind up intimate.

At first I just cried, "No, I don't think I can handle this." Note: I am previously divorced. My first marriage ended because my spouse came out as gay. I immediately began thinking: "Here I am again. I have fallen in love with someone that I am not enough for. I am incapable of making them happy and fulfilled by myself." I didn't sleep for a week (maybe two) and cried every day. Heck, I still cry off and on. I guess you could say I'm grieving the marriage we had.

Communication about my feelings is not one of my strongest qualities, but after some reading about poly (this forum and other articles), and some poly/mono relationships, I finally opened up about everything going through my head. As his usual self, he's been reassuring and communicating that he's more than willing to work with me on establishing boundaries.

I want him to be happy and fulfilled, but I don't want to degrade my mental well-being. I am trying to figure out how I can cope with my feelings of jealousy. Simply, I do not want to share him. I am still struggling with how I can mentally handle the idea of him being intimate with someone else. I'm emotional about this, having a bit of a hard time, and he hasn't even started looking yet.

I found a few posts on this site where other people seem to have similar experiences. Some people had some very helpful things to say. I thought I'd join my first forum ever, and throw myself out there. I've been working through this with him, continuing to read as much useful information as I can find.

For anyone currently in a successful mono/poly marriage, if you're willing, could you share how long have you been married and of that, been mono/poly strong?
 
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Hi, and welcome.

Sorry you're going through this. You're grieving the marriage. That's already a huge step towards polyamory that some couples who are starting out forget to do. Give yourself the necessary space and time for that. There's no rush. You can always bow out if it's not for you.

Do some research, keep communication open about wants and needs with Husband. Mono/poly dynamics can work, but are harder to manage.

Here some links to some helpful books and podcasts that you and husband could have a look at:


Other members will come in here with some better expert advice regarding this kind of set-up.

Take good care of yourself and feel free to ask more questions.
 
Greetings kanfyoozd15,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am in an MFM V, the female is romantically involved with both of the males, but the males are not romantically involved with each other. She and the other male have been married since about 1995, I joined them and the three of us became a polycule in 2006. It is kind of like a mono/poly arrangement because she has two males, while each male just has her. Not quite like your situation but not completely different. If you have any questions for me, let me know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this revelation. But it's healthy your husband trusted you enough to come out to you.

You are no doubt reeling with shock and not one of us would blame you. I can see how your previous marriage ending when your ex told you he was gay would come to mind.

It's not that you aren't enough for either guy. Obviously the first one wasn't comfortable with his own sexuality or he wouldn't have married you. You trusted him, and maybe got along on some levels, but it just didn't work out. Half of all marriages don't work out, for one reason or another.

Now, your current husband has admitted to feeling like he could be attracted to and love more than one person-- you, and someone else.

Truth be told, most people are capable of loving more than one person in a sexual, romantic way, just as we are able to love more than one parent, more than one friend, more than one child, sister, brother, etc. Love is indeed infinite.

But living polyamorously? That's the tricky part. Time and resources are not infinite. Skills must be learned.

If you're curious about how this is even done, you should check out our list of resources, here:


Read the shorter articles, then read Opening Up. Listen to the Multiamory podcast, if you like podcasts.

Btw, it's not up to you to do all the work and research. Most formerly mono couples who become successful at opening take at least a year to do research, and they often seek counseling as well. Don't feel rushed. There's no emergency.
 
Hi kanfyoozd15,

Are you financially independent?

Do you have children?

Does your husband satisfy you 100%?
 
I'm sorry this kind of blindsided you, but I'm glad he was honest and up front about it. He had to ASK. He can't be a mind reader and just know how you feel about this.

You could be honest back. This wasn't the deal you signed up for-- monogamous marriage. You can't make him want that anymore if he just doesn't. You can't force him. But neither can he force you to sign up for a new deal called "polyamory." Just because he wants that now, you are not obliged to do it with him. You are willing to consider it, but this is NOT an open marriage yet. It is not a "done deal."


At first I just cried, "No, I don't think I can handle this." Note: I am previously divorced. My first marriage ended because my spouse came out as gay. I immediately began thinking, "Here I am again. I have fallen in love with someone that I am not enough for. I am incapable of making them happy and fulfilled by myself."
Click to expand...

I am concerned that you go beating up on yourself, like everything is your fault, you aren't enough for people, you aren't lovable enough. But you don't need to be your own self bully on top of all the other stress right now. The fact is, sometimes people grow apart in a marriage, or they grow in different directions. That doesn't have to be anyone's fault, per se. It just happens.

I want him to be happy and fulfilled, but I don't want to degrade my mental well-being.
Click to expand...

Then perhaps it's okay to let go of the of relationship shape that doesn't fit anymore: monogamous marriage. And perhaps over time, consider a new relationship that could work out better: exes and friends. Then he can be free TO pursue poly stuff he wants, and you can be free FROM poly stuff you don't want.

I am trying to figure out how I can cope with my feelings.
Click to expand...

If you prefer monogamy and NOT sharing your spouse with anyone else, there is NOTHING wrong with that. It might just be that he is no longer the right person to be your spouse. That is sad, because all breaks-ups come with some sadness. But worse would be bending into pretzels doing stuff you don't really want to do, and damaging yourself just to avoid a break-up, doing wonky poly, and ending up breaking up anyway, like, in the same place, but taking the long way around and incurring extra damages.

Perhaps these would help you assess.

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

www.scarleteen.com

Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

Breakups sure can suck. But you can get through them, and come out on the other side okay.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

I am still struggling with how I can mentally handle the idea of him being intimate with someone else. I'm still emotional about this, having a bit of a hard time and he hasn't even started looking yet.
Click to expand...

Step back. It's not really about him sharing sex with other people:
You two could break up. And eventually he'd date and share sex with other people.
You two could change to polyamory. And eventually he'd date and share sex with other people.

The only way he'd NOT share sex with other people eventually is if he continued in a monogamous marriage with you, and he's been honest about not wanting that anymore. So, the distress is about him sharing sex with other people WHILE ALSO being involved with you. You don't like that. And it is okay not to like it! That mental distress could be a warning to you. It's not even happening yet and it stresses you out. Perhaps polyamory is NOT for you.

If he hadn't brought it up, would you be interested in poly for yourself, and wanting to pursue it, or not so much? Be super honest with yourself when you reflect on that.

I've been working through this with him, continuing to read as much useful information as I can find.
Click to expand...

You are being very fair to consider this, reading and learning about polyamory, so your consideration can be calm and informed and not just knee-jerk emotions.

That said, you can consider everything, and in the end you can still say, "I have deeply considered. I have done the work. But no, thanks. Polyamory is fine for other people, but it's just not for me. I won't stop you if you really want this, but there I cannot follow. I like monogamy. So rather than damage myself, I prefer to break up as peacefully as possible first. And then you move on to poly-date other people. I don't want to be part of your new poly-dating network."

For anyone currently in a successful mono/poly marriage, if you're willing, could you share how long have you been married and of that, been mono/poly strong?
Click to expand...

30+ years. But I told him way back when we were dating that I preferred non-monogamy and would NOT be promising him monogamy. It didn't come out after marriage. And he thinks he's "monoamorous" and "poly friendly." He wants to love his one sweetie, but doesn't mind being a monogamous relationship or the end point in a V. Either way he gets his one sweetie, me. It's been a long time since we were in a V, but I know he's all right with it.

Here? You do not sound okay with it. You sound like you are monoamorous (want to love one sweetie) and prefer a monogamous-shape relationship (1:1, these two people only.) Is that true?

Again, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting monogamy for yourself, and maybe thinking polyamory is fine for other people, but you don't want it for you.

When all the options stink, pick the least stinky choice.

It's about being true to what you value. If this is a crossroads place, you might not need to do all this poly education, because you already know you aren't into that.

Either go for a year's trial separation, so he can do what he wants on his side, from his flat, and you do what you want from yours, maybe with couple's counseling. See if you can reconcile, or if it's best to divorce.

Or, if you already know divorce is best, accept it and break up, rather than bending into pretzels, damaging yourselves and each other, and ruining any shot at "exes and friends" later because of fighting, resentments, and whatever else.

Tread with caution. There's no fire here. It's IMPORTANT, but not an emergency. Don't rush yourself because it not FUN to sit with discomfort.

He had all this time to mull it over before he told you. You haven't yet had time to mull things over. You just found out about it, so don't rush yourself, and don't let him rush you, either.

Take all the time you need to discern. And if you need help and can avail yourself, think about a counselor, so you get some extra support in a challenging time. There is nothing wrong with that. If you want to talk things out with a poly counselor, you could try:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

How you choose to react or respond to this news is up to you.

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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Juan234 said:
Hi kanfyoozd15,

Are you financially independent?

Do you have children?

Does your husband satisfy you 100%?
Click to expand...
One of my proud moments was when I was with my ex and had a child that I not only maintained my job but obtained one with career growth. I secured my own financial independence back then. My husband does satisfy me 100% (physically and mentally) which is why I think I was saddened to understand I could not do so for him 100%.
 
kanfyoozd15 said:
I was saddened to understand I could not do so for him 100%.
Click to expand...
Please remember this is not a failing on your part. We cannot be 100% to a partner, even if we think we can. It's not healthy or sustainable. Everyone needs others in their lives. For poly folks, those others need to be romantic partners. For mono folks, those others can be friends, church friends, book club friends, etc. Everyone's needs and desires are as individual as the person.
 
Galagirl - I tried responding to your message but ran into error messages.

From the beginning of my relationship, my husband told me if he didn't satisfy me I could find someone else to help. I always told him I didn't see myself doing that. I mentioned that I thought that should have been my foreshadowing. But he said no, he didn't realize this himself until many months ago.

I wrote my initial post very recently after he opened up. I showed him before I posted. He was happy I had found a place I could post to get useful info. Point to that - I've now had a little time (albeit, not a lot but I'm growing - I think).

While my initial reaction was probably horribly disappointing, I acknowledge and appreciate he's trying to do it right. He didn't have anyone in mind, isn't on any dating apps, and won't attempt to date until he thinks I'm ready. He acknowledged this shouldn't happen until a major house project he started is finished (b/c of divided time). I'm glad he opened up. I'm sad it took him as long as it did, but, he got there. He was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle this and was prepared to hear a 'F no'. My 'if I don't talk about it, it must not exist' wasn't going to fly with him this time, b/c this wasn't going to go away.

The least I can do is research and try to figure it out. I'm glad I have had time to process. I have started therapy with a therapist w/ENM experience. My biggest roadblock is my emotion. Therapy is teaching me I'm focusing on a negative end game vs taking it from the beginning, step by step and trying to figure it out in smaller bites isn't gonna get me anywhere. This has been helpful. Emotions protect us, but I need to be able to process them, not just hold them in.

I have since read Mono in a Poly World, Ethical Slut, Opening Up and have on order Polysecure, Polywise and some other book. Mono in a Poly World was relatable, but not sure it offered a whole lot else. Ethical Slut and Opening Up I think help polys more than monos, but that's just me and might be my situation. My husband is interested in poly for the emotional and intellectual perspective, w/intimacy being a potential bonus vs primary reason.

We have had in-depth discussions about what he needs: one more emotional/intellectual connection. I get this. Coming from him, I do get this. It would be easier if the person could just be a friend (which in the end could be the result) vs a date, a love, or something else, but, it will be what it will be. I want and need to learn how to process my emotions. No matter the circumstance, this would be a good thing to learn.

I have my good emotional days and my bad ones. I went from a 'no way I'm hearing about a date or meeting a meta' to I can/should hear (high level) about a date and should meet a meta. Crying or not, trying to avoid the pain wouldn't do either of us any good. I'm making baby steps while he works on the house project AND does his own reading and research. He's reading everything I am and come time, is open to couples therapy.

I guess, day by day I'm getting more hopeful that I can work on me. I have my selfish thoughts still, don't get me wrong, but, this situation could be far worse. He could have someone already and be focused on appeasing himself vs trying to do this as a couple.
 
GalaGirl said:
I'm sorry this kind of blindsided you, but I'm glad he was honest and up front about it. He had to ASK. He can't be a mind reader and just know how you feel about this.

You could be honest back. This wasn't the deal you signed up for-- monogamous marriage. You can't make him want that anymore if he just doesn't. You can't force him. But neither can he force you to sign up for a new deal called "polyamory." Just because he wants that now, you are not obliged to do it with him. You are willing to consider it, but this is NOT an open marriage yet. It is not a "done deal."




I am concerned that you go beating up on yourself, like, everything is your fault, you aren't enough for people, you aren't lovable enough. You don't need to be your own self bully on top of all the other stress right now. The fact is, sometimes people grow apart in a marriage, or they grow in different directions. That doesn't have to be anyone's fault, per se. It just happens sometimes.



Then perhaps it's ok to let go of the of relationship shape that doesn't fit anymore -- monogamous marriage. And perhaps over time, consider a new relationship that could work out better -- exes and friends. Then he can be free TO pursue poly stuff he wants, and you can be free FROM poly stuff you don't want.



If you prefer monogamy and NOT sharing your spouse with anyone else, there is NOTHING wrong with that. It might just be that he is no longer the right person to be your spouse. That is sad, because all breaks-ups come with some sadness. But worse would be bending into pretzels doing stuff you don't really want to do, and damaging yourself just to avoid a break-up. Doing wonky poly, and ending up breaking up anyway, like, in the same place, but taking the long way around and incurring extra damages.

Perhaps these would help you assess.

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

www.scarleteen.com

Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

Breakups sure can suck. But you can get through them, and come out on the other side okay.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com



Step back. It's not really about him sharing sex with other people.

You two could break up. And eventually he'd date and share sex with other people.

You two could change to polyamory. And eventually he'd date and share sex with other people.

The only way he'd NOT share sex with other people eventually is if he continued in a monogamous marriage with you, and he's been honest about not wanting that anymore. So, the distress is about him sharing sex with other people WHILE ALSO being involved with you. You don't like that. And it is ok not to like it! That mental distress could be a warning to you. It's not even happening yet and it stresses you out. Perhaps polyamory is NOT for you.

If he hadn't brought it up... would you be interested in poly for yourself, and wanting to pursue it? Or not so much? Be super honest with yourself when you reflect on that.



You are being very fair to consider this, reading and learning about polyamory, so your consideration can be calm and informed and not like knee-jerk emotions.

That said, you can consider everything, and in the end you can still say, "I have deeply considered. I have done the work. But no, thanks. Polyamory is fine for other people, but it's just not for me. I won't stop you if you really want this, but there I cannot follow. I like monogamy. So rather than damage myself, I prefer to break up as peacefully as possible first. And then you move on to poly-date other people. I don't want to be part of your new poly-dating network."



30+ years. But I told him way back when we were dating that I preferred non-monogamy and would NOT be promising him monogamy. It didn't come out after marriage. And him? He thinks he's "monoamorous" and "poly friendly." He wants to love his 1 sweetie, but doesn't mind being a monogamous relationship or the end point in a V. Either way he gets his 1 sweetie, me. It's been a long time since we were in a V, but I know he's alright with it.

Here? You do not sound ok with it. You sound like you are monoamorous (want to love 1 sweetie) and prefer a monogamous-shape relationship (1:1 -- just those 2 people only.) Is that true?

Again, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting monogamy for yourself, and maybe thinking polyamory is fine for other people, but you don't want any for you.

When all the options stink, pick the least stinky choice.

Here I think it's about being true to what you value. And if this is a crossroads place, you don't really want or need to do all this poly learning because you already know you aren't into that.

Either go for a year's trial separation, so he can do what he wants on his side from his flat, and you do what you want from yours, maybe with couple's counseling. See if you can reconcile, or if it's best to divorce.

Or, if you already know divorce is best, accept it and break up, rather than bending into pretzels, damaging yourselves and each other, and ruining any shot at "exes and friends" later because of fighting, resentments, and whatever else.

Tread with caution. There's no fire here. It's IMPORTANT, but not an emergency. Don't rush yourself because it not FUN to sit with discomfort.

He had all this time to mull it over before he told you. You haven't yet had time to mull things over. You just found out about it, so don't rush yourself, and don't let him rush you, either.

Take all the time you need to discern. And if you need help and can avail yourself, think about a counselor so you get some extra support in a challenging time. There is nothing wrong with that. If you want to talk things out with a poly counselor, you could try:

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory
www.polyfriendly.org

How you choose to react or respond to this news is up to you.

HTH!
Galagirl
Click to expand...
Responded separately (tried to) but forgot to say, thx for the links, I'll check them out.
 
Bobbi said:
Please remember this is not a failing on your part. We cannot be 100% to a partner, even if we think we can. It's not healthy or sustainable. Everyone needs others in their lives. For poly folks those others need to be romantic partners. For mono folks those others can be friends, church friends, book club friends, etc. Everyone's needs and desires are as individual as the person.
Click to expand...
Totally makes sense. In this case the intimacy/romance would be a bonus. He is after emotion/intelligence to keep his brain stimulated. He's a thinker. One of those people who you think is crazy when they complain at work that they have no work to do vs kick their feet up and get paid to do nothing. He's actually worried that he's so picky on the additional partner he wants that he may not be able to find someone. We'll see.

I am going to try to work on me and processing my emotions in the hopes that I get to a place where I'm comfortable being supportive of him trying to find this other person.
 
LaminarFlow said:
Hi, and welcome.

Sorry you're going through this.
You're grieving the marriage, that's already a huge step towards polyamory that some couples who are starting out, forget to do. Give yourself the necessary space and time for that. There's no rush, you can always bow out if it's not for you.

Do some research, keep communication open about wants and needs with Husband. Mono/poly dynamics can work, but are harder to manage.

Here some links to some helpful books and podcasts that you and husband could have a look at:

Other members will come in here with some better expert advice regarding this kind of set-up.

Take good care of yourself and feel free to ask more questions.
Click to expand...
thank you!
 
Magdlyn said:
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this revelation. But it's healthy your husband trusted you enough to come out to you.

You are no doubt reeling with shock and not one of us would blame you. I can see how your previous marriage ending when your ex told you he was gay would come to mind.

It's not that you aren't enough for either guy. Obviously the first one wasn't comfortable with his own sexuality or he wouldn't have married you. You trusted him, and maybe got along on some levels, but it just didn't work out. Half of all marriages don't work out, for one reason or another.

Now, your current husband has admitted to feeling like he could be attracted to and love more than one person-- you, and someone else.

Truth be told, most people are capable of loving more than one person in a sexual, romantic way, just as we are able to love more than one parent, more than one friend, more than one child, sister, brother, etc. Love is indeed infinite.

But living polyamorously? That's the tricky part. Time and resources are not infinite. Skills must be learned.

If you're curious about how this is even done, you should check out our list of resources, here:


Read the shorter articles, then read Opening Up. Listen to the Multiamory podcast, if you like podcasts.

Btw, it's not up to you to do all the work and research. Most formerly mono couples who become successful at opening take at least a year to do research, and they often seek counseling as well. Don't feel rushed. There's no emergency.
Click to expand...
I completely agree that it's healthy and great that he trusted me enough to open up. I prefer it to cheating or growing resentment of me for wanting something and not pursuing it. I'm still trying to grapple with the idea of more than one love but, my therapist has me trying to take my steps a little slower so I can get there. I appreciate the resource, I'll check it out.
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings kanfyoozd15,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am in an MFM V, the female is romantically involved with both of the males, but the males are not romantically involved with each other. She and the other male have been married since about 1995, I joined them and the three of us became a polycule in 2006. It is kind of like a mono/poly arrangement because she has two males, while each male just has her. Not quite like your situation but not completely different. If you have any questions for me, let me know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
Click to expand...
I really appreciate this post. I can honestly say most of the positive poly posts come from the poly ppl saying 'I love my husband and I love my BF' and not from a say husband or BF saying "I love my wife (or GF) and I love that she loves her BF (or husband). If that makes sense. Therapy is helping. I was a TRAINWRECK my first session. While I can't say the train is completely on the tracks, I am more hopeful than I have been. Course, this is a good emotional day. I do still have some downwards where I can still get in my head. But in general, positive posts like these are helpful.
 
Glad to be of help, keep us posted.
 
kanfyoozd15,

Do you have a shorter nickname?

Your responses tell me you are a great catch. You are satisfied and slowly trying and willing to make things work. I recommend you watch the TED Talk on “monogamish”. The reason is that I see a lot of your relationship in mine, except I am in the role of your husband. Sure, it may be a step too far making an association to him, but it may rhyme to my midlife crisis. The thought that I soon am getting too old to have a new relationship, and have a fear of missing out (FOMO). Sometimes it is a need for new relationship energy (NRE) but that seems to be a concept of change and not a steady state. A lot of this can come from a need to be validated and feel special. Hence why talking fantasies can spice things up. For example, if you have not watched it already, I recommend the film with Meryl Streep, Tommy Jones, and Steve Carell called “Hope Springs”. Amuse yourself with the couple in a darkly humorous way at the characters’ expense, but more importantly pay close attention to what the couple’s therapist (Carrell) says.

In my earlier original reply post above, what do you think your husband would answer if asked my questions? If you have not asked him already, you may, just to see if there is a disconnect.

There is a clear case for poly when one partner is not able to provide a need, e.g., higher frequency of sex, even sado-masochism or some other cool kink. So do not discard how much roleplaying can help lead a discovery about the relationship, and how to best satisfy it.

It sounds like you guys have a very communicative and healthy connection. I am sorry you are going through a difficult emotional time. I hope in the end your mutual love and respect leads you to a healthy place of discovery and satisfaction. I wish you both the best through this intellectual journey forward.
 
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