New to poly
- Thread starter -Mary-
- Start date
Hi and welcome, Mary
It's a steep learning curve when you switch from monogamy to polyamory, we have some common resources here: https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/ that you might like to pick and choose from.
One of the hard parts can be keeping yourself entertained while your formerly monogamous husband is now out of the house on date nights with his new girlfriend. That's if you were used to having him around every evening. Did you guys have a relationship that was balanced with independent evening or weekend social engagements prior to him dating? Or are you finding yourself in the position of developing your own hobbies or social connections separately of him?
It's a steep learning curve when you switch from monogamy to polyamory, we have some common resources here: https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/ that you might like to pick and choose from.
One of the hard parts can be keeping yourself entertained while your formerly monogamous husband is now out of the house on date nights with his new girlfriend. That's if you were used to having him around every evening. Did you guys have a relationship that was balanced with independent evening or weekend social engagements prior to him dating? Or are you finding yourself in the position of developing your own hobbies or social connections separately of him?
We spent every evening together, minus when he was traveling for work. Now, we don't spend much time together, not like we used to. When we are together, all conversations seem to revolve around poly or we are having sex. My spouse originally didn't want me to have a poly partner. He only wanted me to be with him. I eventually got him to concede that it was unfair. My spouse has now encouraged me to find a partner and I like the idea. I have no idea how to find one, though.
I am in the position of developing my own hobbies and social network. I have been building out a new friend group at work the last few months. I have been invited to go hang out with some friends after work next weekend. I have felt very alone and unsure of how to spend my free time. So... I just began working out at my community club house gym.
It's nice talking to others about this. No one in my world knows my husband opened up our marriage.
I am in the position of developing my own hobbies and social network. I have been building out a new friend group at work the last few months. I have been invited to go hang out with some friends after work next weekend. I have felt very alone and unsure of how to spend my free time. So... I just began working out at my community club house gym.
It's nice talking to others about this. No one in my world knows my husband opened up our marriage.
MoPoly
Active member
He came out as poly in March. That’s not that long ago! Couples often take a year or two to explore, discuss and agree what this means for them before introducing dating and new partners. How quickly did the new girlfriend come along?
I was wondering if he has ‘come out as poly’ in order to get your consent to what would otherwise have been an illicit affair to make him feel less guilty? Or is she very recent?
It makes a difference because in a healthy poly relationship he would not be ignoring you (except to talk about his poly interests/ have sex); would be careful to balance making you feel special with his NRE; be interested in you, loving towards you, and all the other signs of a healthy relationship.
Is the girlfriend poly? Or is she just going along with the ‘I don’t want to leave my wife’ scenario for the time being? This matters as cowgirls are different to metas.
There are many questions to ponder here and I don’t want to be intrusive. However, if you’ve felt alone and he is totally consumed elsewhere by NRE, it doesn’t sound like your husband has learnt to be a good hinge yet!
You sound resourceful, have pulled him up on the one-sided nature he tried to impose, and are tending to your social needs with clubs and time with friends but who is nurturing and tending the primary couple?
I was actually poly-bombed in March. I didn't even know the word poly existed. I had a vague idea of open marriage at the time, too. My husband already knew his not-yet GF would partner with him. They meet a month+ on a poly site before he told me. The GF practices poly and him telling me was her request. She is also bi. It was an emotional rollercoaster at first. But, I saw how happy he was and started learning what I could about poly. I eventually made peace in my mind with it.
I do agree, if I hadn't accepted it, he would have proceeded with his GF anyway. The attraction they have is something to behold. I ended up meeting her in June. We are not "kitchen table." The GF and I have different thoughts on how to make all this work. I prefer not to have any involvement in their relationship. It's easier on my mind. I feel like the 3rd wheel when they make their plans and talk. I have enough head space for my own thoughts and what brings me joy. I am also straight, no interest in participating with the GF. So playing together would not bring us closer.
My husband and I have a teenager who won't leave the nest for a few more years. I think poly is my husband's way of maintaining the family unit. I feel my happiness will increase exponentially if I had a poly partner. I like the idea of kitchen table poly, if I have someone who can hold my hand while we sit across from my husband and his GF. I hope then all our feelings and understanding of our current reality would be on more equal and common ground.
I appreciate all your insights.
I do agree, if I hadn't accepted it, he would have proceeded with his GF anyway. The attraction they have is something to behold. I ended up meeting her in June. We are not "kitchen table." The GF and I have different thoughts on how to make all this work. I prefer not to have any involvement in their relationship. It's easier on my mind. I feel like the 3rd wheel when they make their plans and talk. I have enough head space for my own thoughts and what brings me joy. I am also straight, no interest in participating with the GF. So playing together would not bring us closer.
My husband and I have a teenager who won't leave the nest for a few more years. I think poly is my husband's way of maintaining the family unit. I feel my happiness will increase exponentially if I had a poly partner. I like the idea of kitchen table poly, if I have someone who can hold my hand while we sit across from my husband and his GF. I hope then all our feelings and understanding of our current reality would be on more equal and common ground.
I appreciate all your insights.
MoPoly
Active member
Ouch. Poly-bombing is not easy.
GF may have different ways of doing things, but does sound as if she is ethically poly, not entering a clandestine relationship with him.
Kudos for coping and deciding to make something good come out of it.
May well be NRE at this stage. This changes.
Great you know your own mind and can set clear boundaries.
That makes it sound as if you had both become distant even before his experiment with poly?
Again, this sounds as if you don’t expect closeness from your husband. Why shouldn’t he sit holding your hand while opposite GF at table? Ideally, you’d fall in love with a new partner for their own special qualities and not to fill the gap your husband has left… Just an observation.
Why would having a partner make it ‘more equal’? Only if husband is a poor hinge.
The thing is that if you are both just using ‘poly’ to patch over a hollowed out marriage, then it may just progress to him+GF, and you+NewPartner, but no him+you. If that’s what you both want, that’s fine, but if you want continued intimacy and a marriage, then you need to focus on each other-- despite and in spite of the new partners.
I might be reading this totally wrong, and please do say, but you kinda sound ‘flat’ and not mentioning much interaction between you and husband.
X
Openbook23
Active member
NRE can be hard, especially when you've been together that long. You no longer have that, and that's OK...it's healthy, actually. Their NRE means they don't even know if they are actually compatible yet. Once that fades, they will find out. The fact that he was doing this before talking to you is a red flag, but it does sound like you've since worked it out. You got him to see that you should be able to do this too, which is great! Please know that he will likely have more feelings once you actually act on it. Let him have them. That's not on you. You can be supportive and reassuring (and should) but keep it fair, keep it autonomous. Do NOT keep score. But make sure you have a balance in terms of rules.
My wife and I eventually got rid of almost all rules. I'd say we now have boundaries, not rules. But we've come to the point where we don't even experience much anxiety about new partners (for either of us). That takes time, too (For most people). Basically, be very forgiving about your feelings. NONE of them are wrong. How you deal with them is key, and that's a learning process.
This community is very supportive, so please ask lots of questions!
My wife and I eventually got rid of almost all rules. I'd say we now have boundaries, not rules. But we've come to the point where we don't even experience much anxiety about new partners (for either of us). That takes time, too (For most people). Basically, be very forgiving about your feelings. NONE of them are wrong. How you deal with them is key, and that's a learning process.
This community is very supportive, so please ask lots of questions!
Greetings -Mary-,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
To find poly people to date, you can try a poly-friendly dating site/app such as Feeld or OKCupid. Also you can google "Utah polyamory," or "polyamory" with the name of the major city closest to you. I have to say, though, that Utah is going to be a hard place to find any poly friends. Most people are in the condition that you were in, they've never even heard of poly. Salt Lake City is somewhat more diverse than other Utah cities, but still. Most likely you will have to get out there and meet people in person, and you will have to be the one to introduce them to the idea of polyamory. I know it sucks to have to do that, but what can you do, you live in a very conservative state. I should know, I was born and raised in Utah.
In the meantime, there's a lot to be learned about poly, and Polyamory.com is a good place to begin your search. Invest some time exploring our various boards and threads, and let us know whenever you have a question. We'll do our best to answer, we always try to be helpful. I'm glad you could join us, make yourself at home.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
To find poly people to date, you can try a poly-friendly dating site/app such as Feeld or OKCupid. Also you can google "Utah polyamory," or "polyamory" with the name of the major city closest to you. I have to say, though, that Utah is going to be a hard place to find any poly friends. Most people are in the condition that you were in, they've never even heard of poly. Salt Lake City is somewhat more diverse than other Utah cities, but still. Most likely you will have to get out there and meet people in person, and you will have to be the one to introduce them to the idea of polyamory. I know it sucks to have to do that, but what can you do, you live in a very conservative state. I should know, I was born and raised in Utah.
In the meantime, there's a lot to be learned about poly, and Polyamory.com is a good place to begin your search. Invest some time exploring our various boards and threads, and let us know whenever you have a question. We'll do our best to answer, we always try to be helpful. I'm glad you could join us, make yourself at home.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
I want to ask, and excuse me if I'm off base, but seeing as you are in Utah, are you LDS? You know that church has a controversial past with polygyny/plural marriage, where men were supposed to have multiple wives, while the women could only have one husband. And of course, there are pockets of FLDS around out there in neighboring states, who still practice this, more or less illegally, and often abusively.
I just got a little triggered when you said your h didn't want you to date others, only he could. I am glad he changed his mind. But I am still curious if you're LDS, or ex-Mormon, or have lots of family members or neighbors who are.
I am concerned for you because it seems like your h is just using you for sex while he pursues his gf "to preserve the family unit." I don't understand this reasoning.
Also, it sounds like hubs wants kitchen table poly, but you don't. It sounds like he and his gf might be pressuring you to have threeway sex too, against your wishes.
You don't need to "double date," this is, have a bf of your own to hold your hand, across an actual kitchen table, to do kitchen table poly. KTP just means the metamours get along-- you get along with gf and can enjoy hanging out with her sometimes, dinner, sure, or watch a movie/TV, or go on an outing, even just the two girls, without hubs, that sort of thing. Healthy KTP requires a good hinge who can treat both of his/her partners well, reasonably equitably, not favoring one over the other.
On the other hand, if you'd prefer parallel poly, where gf doesn't even spend time in your home, you have every right to have that boundary. It's YOUR home. You get to decide who comes to it. Your home is your safe space. If you don't like seeing your h's uncontrolled NRE, if you don't like to see them having intimate conversations, making date plans, or cuddling, or giggling together and acting like infatuated teenagers, you have every right to ask them to meet elsewhere, at gf's place. Or, alternatively, you can go out and do something fun for yourself and let them have the house, and be done with their activities, sheets on bed changed, other living spaces tidied and evidence of their date put away before you come home.
I just got a little triggered when you said your h didn't want you to date others, only he could. I am glad he changed his mind. But I am still curious if you're LDS, or ex-Mormon, or have lots of family members or neighbors who are.
I am concerned for you because it seems like your h is just using you for sex while he pursues his gf "to preserve the family unit." I don't understand this reasoning.
Also, it sounds like hubs wants kitchen table poly, but you don't. It sounds like he and his gf might be pressuring you to have threeway sex too, against your wishes.
You don't need to "double date," this is, have a bf of your own to hold your hand, across an actual kitchen table, to do kitchen table poly. KTP just means the metamours get along-- you get along with gf and can enjoy hanging out with her sometimes, dinner, sure, or watch a movie/TV, or go on an outing, even just the two girls, without hubs, that sort of thing. Healthy KTP requires a good hinge who can treat both of his/her partners well, reasonably equitably, not favoring one over the other.
On the other hand, if you'd prefer parallel poly, where gf doesn't even spend time in your home, you have every right to have that boundary. It's YOUR home. You get to decide who comes to it. Your home is your safe space. If you don't like seeing your h's uncontrolled NRE, if you don't like to see them having intimate conversations, making date plans, or cuddling, or giggling together and acting like infatuated teenagers, you have every right to ask them to meet elsewhere, at gf's place. Or, alternatively, you can go out and do something fun for yourself and let them have the house, and be done with their activities, sheets on bed changed, other living spaces tidied and evidence of their date put away before you come home.
Not LDS, never been interested in unified religion either.
My hubby would love to have kitchen table poly. I am not interested at this time in it. When my hubby explained what he looked for in a GF, he said he would like a FFM experience with me being the other F. I am straight and I let him know this will never happen.
My home is my safe space and his GF is not allowed to come over. Nor would I bring a future partner over to extend the same respect of our safe space to my hubby. The GF lives 4 miles away, so it's easy for them to just spend time at her place.