New mono in a possibly mono/poly relationship.

R

Rhodry04

New member
Hello to all. I’m new here and to poly discussions. My wife of 9 years (call her Lulu) and I have been in a mostly monogamous relationship since the beginning. About a year into our marriage she met a lesbian woman (call her Juju) at her new job. They became very close friends and Juju started to have feelings for her. We talked about it and we opened up our marriage without knowing what we were doing. They would go out to dinner and have fun and make out and get all grabby. I’ve always been fine with them together having fun and pretty much almost having sex.

On my birthday one night we all went to a strip club and we got pretty wasted. They were making out in the booth and I was allowed to touch a dancers breasts.
Then we went home and they ended up in the shower together without telling me and I got blackout drunk and was an asshole. (The details I will discuss if anyone wants to know.)
I felt completely left out and I was so jealous and angry and I didn’t know how to deal.

Fast forward many years and she and Juju are still best friends that love each other deeply and Juju is married to a wonderful woman.
Juju and I are good friends and I have a special love for her too. I have learned a lot about myself and my marriage. We are completely honest with each other and are continuing to build our communication skills. We both feel that we are ready to open our marriage again so she can experience new relationships.

So my wife goes to a pool party with some friends and ends up meeting a woman named Rayray. They make out a little and my wife comes home. She is open with me and shares everything and I am great with it. They have been chatting daily via text and she has made the situation clear to Rayray about what boundaries there are and that she is married and husband is mono. They are planning to go on a date next weekend. They are both getting and sharing STI results before getting intimate (boundary for me) and my wife knows that I will need some attention after the fact.

Sorry for such a long story but I feel that I can share here. There is a lot I’m leaving out so if anyone wants to know more or has advice I would be happy to share.

Thank you for reading and I look forward to any questions or comments.

Rhodry
 
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My first comment would be a request for you to kindly go back and edit in actual (nick)names instead of just initials for the women whose love lives you are discussing. That would help the members with reading comprehension a lot. Thanks!

Otherwise, I am not sure what you are seeking as far as feedback. I guess you're implying you understand mono/poly ENM more now and won't feel so much FOMO when Lulu begins dating RayRay as you did when Lulu was involved sexually/romantically with Juju? What problems do you foresee?

BTW, we have a list of resources at the top of this forum for you to get a better grasp on what pitfalls can come up in open relationships/polyamory. Check it out!

 
Magdlyn said:
I guess you're implying you understand mono/poly ENM more now and won't feel so much FOMO when Lulu begins dating RayRay as you did when Lulu was involved sexually/romantically with Juju? What problems do you foresee?
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That’s pretty much it. I’m not good at forum intros and I was just trying to get my experience out there.

I’m not sure what problems I foresee, but I have had the talk about me perhaps being allowed to sleep with someone else. I don’t know if I am geared to have more than one relationship at a time. I would like explore sex with other men and possibly women, but I know that’s not what poly is. My wife has zero interest in swinging and doesn’t feel comfortable with me being with another woman. I’m fine with that and she said that were I to find a man I wanted to have a relationship with, that we could talk about it when that time comes.

I appreciate any feedback.
 
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she said that I were to find a man I wanted to have a relationship with that we could talk about it when that time comes.
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Eeek, no! Talk about it now, ahead of time, when you aren't clouded by feelings (of lust or love) for another man.
 
Evie said:
Eeek, no! Talk about it now, ahead of time, when you aren't clouded by feelings (of lust or love) for another man.
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It may not happen for some time, or at all. I mean, we have talked about it a little, and she feels that it would probably be fine. It depends on the person and we both agree on that. We have agreed that she has the final say, though. It would just be sex and not a romantic relationship per se. I had a fling when I was 18 with my best friend for a few months and I have always had the tickle of desire to someday have an experience with another man.
 
Greetings Rhodry,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you have made some progress in being okay with Lulu being poly, and even having sexual relations with other women (and men?). I hope Polyamory.com can be a haven for you, where you can share your experiences, and get advice as needed.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Rhodry04 said:
We have agreed that she has the final say though. It would just be sex and not a romantic relationship per say.
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Have you thought through (and talked through) what happens if you do get romantically attached to someone, and your wife wants you to end the relationship? It's better to consider the possibility while it's hypothetical than to be blindsided by it actually happening.
 
Albert Ross said:
Have you thought through (and talked through) what happens if you do get romantically attached to someone, and your wife wants you to end the relationship? It's better to consider the possibility while it's hypothetical than to be blindsided by it actually happening.
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To be honest, I don’t ever see myself having an opportunity to get romantically attached. We agreed that I wouldn’t date women. I’m bi, but only sexually. I’m not attracted to men romantically. On the flip side, my wife and I agreed she will not date men. She has no interest in a man other than me anyway, and I honestly have no interest in other woman besides sexually, and that’s not an option.
 
It sounds like your wife does exactly what she wants with who she wants and you have to ask permission. Why are you asking for permission to touch a dancer's boobs, yet she gets in the shower with someone without asking you?

This has nothing to do with gender. If you interacted with a gay man like this, one on one, doing what you want, when you want, in front of her, she would hit the roof. I can tell already.

Don't get taken for a ditzy. I'd reiterate that we are in a closed monogamous marriage until we get to the point where we can make some agreements about limits and conduct. Have a bit of backbone and dignity.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
It sounds like your wife does exactly what she wants with who she wants and you have to ask permission. Why are you asking for permission to touch a dancer's boobs, yet she gets in the shower with someone without asking you?

This has nothing to do with gender. If you interacted with a gay man like this, one on one, doing what you want, when you want, in front of her, she would hit the roof. I can tell already.

Don't get taken for a ditzy. I'd reiterate that we are in a closed monogamous marriage until we get to the point where we can make some agreements about limits and conduct. Have a bit of backbone and dignity.
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Thank you for your comments. I would appreciate in the future if you are going to take the time to read a post of mine that you would have the courtesy to respond with something helpful and positive.
 
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Rhodry04 said:
Thank you for your comments. I would appreciate in the future if you are going to take the time to read a post of mine that you would have the courtesy to respond with something helpful and positive.
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Really I'm just saying what everyone else is saying when they bring up that you should probably speak about it now and what a veto means in practical terms.

The problem that happens for a lot of men is that they let this slide in a way they wouldn't with a man because they they think it's hot (2 women). Before they know it, one way or another, their wife has a whole relationship that they have no part of, yet that freedom isn't mutual.

Hence my initial comment.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Really I'm just saying what everyone else is saying when they bring up that you should probably speak about it now and what a veto means in practical terms.

The problem that happens for a lot of men is that they let this slide in a way they wouldn't with a man because they they think it's hot (2 women). Before they know it, one way or another, their wife has a whole relationship that they have no part of, yet that freedom isn't mutual.

Hence my initial comment.
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Thank you for the clarification. I realize that I’m letting this happen more easily because it’s with a woman. (Yes, it’s hot.) We are agreeing to this experience and we will see what happens.

The third party is aware of what’s happening and all three of us are on the same page. It’s our first time doing this somewhat properly.

The first time with the dancer’s boobs, and the two of them in the shower, were done without any communication, because we didn’t have a clue what we were doing. After I made an ass out of myself that first night, the girls never got a chance to get anywhere.

We all remain close friends, but with no sexual component. The other is married now to a wonderful woman. It will be a learning experience and I want her to be happy.

I don’t need a relationship with someone else to make this work. I have been clear and communicated my feelings as they surface and she has been amazing about it. She has also expressed her feelings, and I have done my best to make sure that her concerns are met. My wife has the hardest job in all of this, balancing two partners.

I mean the first date isn’t until this coming weekend. All they have done so far is text. They might not get along as well in person, but who knows? I want her to be happy, but not at the expense of my feelings or our marriage. We are both on the same page and have gotten closer in the last two weeks because of our communication, and our sex life has greatly improved. I assume that’s because I am doing more. so I feel less insecure as to avoid jealousy. We shall see.
 
The feedback here has been excellent. Here is some rephrasing. The way new relationship energy (NRE) plays out can put a twist on things, even if you are one level/degree/layer removed. You seem to acknowledge you are farther along than when you did not know what you were doing before. Accordingly, the more along you are in terms of reading the poly material from Magdlyn’s link, the more it will help. Let us know how your reading the “bibliography” goes, and your relationship. The literature, and here, and with you, it says to ensure we communicate with our spouse or primary.

The reason that NRE matters is in how it can trigger poly hell, jealousy, FOMO, etc. Also, if someone gets hooked on NRE and they want to keep building new relationships, or frankly hooked on someone else, and they leave because it turns out they like someone else better (is it jealous paranoia or not?).

Communicate.

One thing mentioned rather clearly/bluntly is that poly is a two-way street. If someone goes for it, they should be open if their partner does too, no buts. Poly is loving more than one person. Accordingly, the Golden Rule applies. Otherwise, it's not poly, it's a hall pass or lopsided swinging, etc.

Communicate.

Thanks for sharing and good luck.
 
Rhodry04 said:
My wife has the hardest job in all of this balancing two partners
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Don't be thinking that, because you'll kick yourself when you find out you are wrong. Poly is hard and it's work for BOTH partners. The work is different for each. The saying goes, "Poly is not about being comfortable dating multiple people, it's about being comfortable with your partner dating, fucking and loving multiple people."

Yes, she will have to manage two people's wants and needs, while still maintaining the happy relationships. She will have to have strong boundaries and enforce them, and she will have to become comfortable saying no when every fiber of her being wants to say yes... even to you.

You will have to do the emotional work of letting her have her relationships, sex, and love however she sees fit, without any control from you. You will not be her only priority now and you'll have to be flexible with her other relationship.

You will have strong feelings along the way and that will cause not-so-great behavior if you don't do the work to handle those feelings. She may fall in love, create a very deep bond and want more with this other person, making you feel like you are no longer special. Monogamous programming will flood your head and make you feel all kinds of things and you'll have to work through it. It's all hot and sexy to you now, but what happens when you aren't a part of their sex life? She'll be alone with her new love, and not sharing all the details, as she shouldn't be, because it's someone else's relationship and has a right to privacy and autonomy.

Being with a woman is no different than being with a man. When love is involved anything can happen. Not feeling threatened or jealous because it's a woman is a mistake men make early on when they think it's hot, but then are shocked when it happens. Prepare now to be uncomfortable. If it never happens, great! Sometimes it does work out that way. But don't go in thinking that's you. Chances are you'll need to become very comfortable with being uncomfortable.
 
Bobbi said:
You will have to do the emotional work of letting her have her relationships, sex, and love however she sees fit, without any control from you. You will not be her only priority now and you'll have to be flexible with her other relationship.
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That’s where I’m feeling the most about all of this. I have felt that I am on the back burner for a while now, because of time commitments with kids and sports and work, and we have talked and worked it out. I don’t know how I will feel when it’s her falling in love and having sex, and not just a kid's basketball game.

Bobbi said:
Monogamous programming will flood your head and make you feel all kinds of things and you'll have to work through it. It's all hot and sexy to you now, but what happens when you aren't a part of their sex life? She'll be alone with her new love and not sharing all the details, as she shouldn't be, because it's someone else's relationship and has a right to privacy and autonomy.
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Is monogamous programming something that can be undone? I think it would be impossible unless I was able to do the same and at this point this is a one-way street. I feel like it would be easier to manage if I had a relationship of my own to pursue. Or is that a misconception?
 
Rhodry04 said:
That’s where I’m feeling the most about all of this. I have felt that I am on the back burner because of time commitments with kids and sports and work. We have talked and worked it out. I don’t know how I will feel when it’s her falling in love and having sex and not just a kid's basketball game.


Is monogamous programming something that can be undone? I think it would be impossible unless I was able to do the same, and at this point this is a one-way street. I feel like it would be easier to manage if I had a relationship of my own to pursue. Or is that a misconception?
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It can be undone, but I know people who have been poly for a decade that still have issues pop up. I think dating others, and experiencing love with another having zero effect on the love you feel for your long-term partner is mind blowing. The relationships stand on their own. If one ends, it's not directly tied to the new relationship. That being said, new people do introduce us to more things and we may find something we very much want that we never knew we wanted until we were exposed to it. I've had new partners raise the bar in what I want in relationships, and magnify things in an old partner that I don't want.
 
Rhodry04 said:
I feel like it would be easier to manage if I had a relationship of my own to pursue. Or is that a misconception?
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It doesn't solve all the issues, but it's certainly easier than your spouse having other relationships and yet restricting you from having the same. That's why more than one of us advised that you establish that you are in a poly relationship where you have equal freedom to have other relationships than the one with your wife, even if you do not explore that freedom.
 
I feel like it would be easier to manage if I had a relationship of my own to pursue. Or is that a misconception?
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Definitely not a misconception. It's hard to be the partner sitting at home All. The. Damn. Time.

So either you gave the option to go out and date, or you get a hugely time consuming hobby such as amateur theatre (I grew up in it, I know how many nights out it is).

Honestly, amateur theatre is a pretty good place to meet people lol.

Thing is, it might take you a lot of time to meet someone compatible enough to keep dating. It's rough out there in the limited poly friendly dating pool. Flirting and dating are skills you may have to relearn. See about finding poly meetups - that's where I met my newest partner.
 
I am so grateful for all of the advice. I had a conversation with my wife last night. I told her that what we had discussed at the beginning of this thing ultimately worked out to me being her cuckold. I expressed my feelings about it needing to be open on both ends for this to work. I felt it was important to have this conversation now, before other people get hurt, if we let it continue as we are. I suggested that we talk tonight so we can explore her feelings about it and we can make sure we are both as happy as we can be. I feel like I dropped an ultimatum on her and I don’t like doing that. This is the first time since this started that I don’t have a knot in my gut. But I also feel bad keeping her from exploring her sexuality.
Thank you all again for your thoughts and help.
 
Having your own personal boundaries and enforcing them CAN feel like giving an ultimatum. But that's not a bad thing, really!

Knowing your own needs, desires and limits is part of maturing and gaining wisdom. Floundering along just trying to please others will always feel unsatisfactory and unfulfilling.

You can say: "I won't be in a one-sided ENM relationship. If you get to date whoever you want, so do I. If you insist on being the only one to poly-date, I won't continue to be in a relationship with you."

That's only fair.
 
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