Kynde
Active member
I am a regular here. I am an experienced poly woman, but I have no experience with this situation. Seeking advice.
Background: I dated Jay for several months before we broke up about 1.5 years ago. He knew I was poly, but at that time I dated him I did not have other partners and was not looking. I was fresh out of a divorce. The relationship was easy and natural until we both triggered each other's past traumas and I did a cut and run.
I now have two stable partners but neither are available to be a full-time NP/anchor/primary.
Jay and I both have had therapy since then. We reconnected about a month ago. It's been easy again, and I can tell we are both in a better place. We both want long term. We live close to each other and spend a lot of time together when he's not working (he works 24 hour shifts), days and nights.
Here's the issue--- he's monogamous. He doesn't understand poly. But he's been very understanding that I am poly, and I have other partners and don't plan to break up with them. Whereas before I was just with him, now I have these partners. He doesn't want to hear about them. He knows their names, and he trusts that I'm safe, but he doesn't want to know any details beyond I'm "busy" on certain nights. I am not used to this style at all. I like KTP, or at least garden-party poly. Both of my poly partners have met each other. I have never had this kind of don't ask don't tell relationship before.
To accommodate Jay's feelings, I schedule most of my time with the partners on the days that Jay is working. There are times he's not working and I will tell him I'm "busy," and he's okay with this. He stays home, or goes out with friends.
I have created two spaces in my home for partners-- the master bedroom is for me and Jay, the guest bedroom is for my other partners. He never asked me to do this, but I sensed he would like it, and he said thank you when I told him. (Besides, I don't have to change the sheets as often!)
He does not seem jealous. He says he feels very secure as the anchor/primary partner, but wants to just make it about us when we are together.
Jumping way ahead---- if Jay and I someday share a home together, how do we make that more comfortable for us all? What are things that are reasonable for him to ask for, and what are things that are reasonable for me to be able to do? Examples-- given that he doesn't want to know about my partners in detail or meet them, is it fair that I would be able to host partners in the guest room, even if he's home sometimes, since that was my lifestyle before we met? Or, do I have a duty to make him feel "safe" in his own space/home? I want to continue to be poly, and not tiptoe around my lifestyle, but at the same time, be considerate of my partner, who is not poly. What is a good balance?
From those who have been in similar situations, what are some ways I can be a good hinge for all involved? What are some other issues that may arise, and how did you deal with those issues in your own situations?
Background: I dated Jay for several months before we broke up about 1.5 years ago. He knew I was poly, but at that time I dated him I did not have other partners and was not looking. I was fresh out of a divorce. The relationship was easy and natural until we both triggered each other's past traumas and I did a cut and run.
I now have two stable partners but neither are available to be a full-time NP/anchor/primary.
Jay and I both have had therapy since then. We reconnected about a month ago. It's been easy again, and I can tell we are both in a better place. We both want long term. We live close to each other and spend a lot of time together when he's not working (he works 24 hour shifts), days and nights.
Here's the issue--- he's monogamous. He doesn't understand poly. But he's been very understanding that I am poly, and I have other partners and don't plan to break up with them. Whereas before I was just with him, now I have these partners. He doesn't want to hear about them. He knows their names, and he trusts that I'm safe, but he doesn't want to know any details beyond I'm "busy" on certain nights. I am not used to this style at all. I like KTP, or at least garden-party poly. Both of my poly partners have met each other. I have never had this kind of don't ask don't tell relationship before.
To accommodate Jay's feelings, I schedule most of my time with the partners on the days that Jay is working. There are times he's not working and I will tell him I'm "busy," and he's okay with this. He stays home, or goes out with friends.
I have created two spaces in my home for partners-- the master bedroom is for me and Jay, the guest bedroom is for my other partners. He never asked me to do this, but I sensed he would like it, and he said thank you when I told him. (Besides, I don't have to change the sheets as often!)
He does not seem jealous. He says he feels very secure as the anchor/primary partner, but wants to just make it about us when we are together.
Jumping way ahead---- if Jay and I someday share a home together, how do we make that more comfortable for us all? What are things that are reasonable for him to ask for, and what are things that are reasonable for me to be able to do? Examples-- given that he doesn't want to know about my partners in detail or meet them, is it fair that I would be able to host partners in the guest room, even if he's home sometimes, since that was my lifestyle before we met? Or, do I have a duty to make him feel "safe" in his own space/home? I want to continue to be poly, and not tiptoe around my lifestyle, but at the same time, be considerate of my partner, who is not poly. What is a good balance?
From those who have been in similar situations, what are some ways I can be a good hinge for all involved? What are some other issues that may arise, and how did you deal with those issues in your own situations?
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Toilet repair has never been a “team activity,” in my experience. It's "Hey, there’s an issue in x bathroom's toilet. Thanks." But I get your point.
