Metamour and Mental Health

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hellcat1350

New member
Hello all, Hellcat here

So, here's a little backstory before I get started. I struggle with an addiction to non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) and schizoaffective disorder (which is schizophrenia and bipolar mixed together into a ball of absolute rat bastard motherfuckery) amongst other issues. I recently got into a relationship with someone who's polyamorous and has three partners other than myself.

They're the absolutely most wonderful person I know and we get along splendidly. Like I truly do love them with all my heart. I love my permanent metamour, too; we get along great and have our own time together. But this one meta (who's supposed to be "temporary")...Jesus Christ, I loathe them. Like seriously, it's some deep rooted spite going on here, dude.

My partner and I have agreed to not talk about them, but that's not always unavoidable. Any time they get brought up, my mental health gets absolutely shot to all hell and I want to self-injure. Like, bad. Bad enough that if I weren't in college and had shit to do, I'd admit myself to a mental facility just so I can't do anything to myself.

I've told my partner this but also mentioned to them that I don't want them to feel like they have to break up with this person just to be with me; that's not fair to anyone. But I don't know if I should continue dating my partner if it's effecting my mental health like this. They could keep dating for years before breaking up, so if I told my partner "look, I'll date you when y'all aren't together anymore", I might not see them again for 2, 3 years, hell maybe even longer.

It's a lose-lose situation for me and I genuinely don't know what to do. My partner is wonderful and I want the best for them, but I don't know how much more of this I can take before I relapse and cut again. It's happened once before already over my meta. I don't know what to do other than just suffer through it because I love my partner. I'm trying my best to be a supportive partner and be like "I hope y'all are doing good" but truthfully I want them to break up and know that's not "nice" of me. So I feel ashamed most of the time, too.

Thoughts and advice are welcomed but this is mostly just to vent without getting sent to the mental hospital via my therapist.
 
There are other people you could date. You have to decide if your potential for self-harm is worth the benefit you get from pretending all is well and feeling ashamed about it.
 
I'm sorry you're taking it so hard.

We have discussions here about the concept of "don't ask, don't tell." There is a huge archived thread here:


This concept can be taken two ways. The most extreme kind is you don't want to even know your partner is out on a date with their OSO. They tell you they're working late, or seeing their brother, or whatever. You know nothing about their OSO(s), no names, addresses, nothing.

On the other hand, there's a way to go that is "need to know only." You know they're on a date with so-and-so, and that's it. Your partner tells you nothing about this meta, and tells the meta nothing about you. You certainly don't know about anything unpleasant. All you need to know is if safer sex practices were used, and, when your own next date with your partner will be. And of course, you never actually spend time with this meta.

If your partner can't NOT tell you things about this unpleasant partner, despite you drawing clear boundaries, then, for your own health, a breakup seems in order.
 
But I don't know if I should continue dating my partner if it's effecting my mental health like this. They could keep dating for years before breaking up, so if I told my partner "look, I'll date you when y'all aren't together anymore", I might not see them again for 2, 3 years, hell maybe even longer.

It's a lose-lose situation for me and I genuinely don't know what to do.
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To me it sounds like a win. Read it again:

If "I told my partner "look, I'll date you when y'all aren't together anymore", I could focus on my college work and not be THIS stressed out any more. I could have a more pleasant college experience. I could also have a more peaceful 2-3 years free of this weird meta. And then I could date my partner again after they break up... and STILL be free of this weird meta and any self harm.

I think that sounds pretty good!

GG
 
Hello hellcat1350,

It doesn't sound like it's your fault that you dislike the other metamour. You get along with the permanent metamour just fine. It seems hopeful that you can ride things out with the other metamour, as they are hopefully just temporary. Have you talked with your partner (the hinge) about these feelings? Like, maybe you have concerns about them picking this person out? or are you hoping this is a problem that will just, kind of, go away? What will you do if your partner hangs on to this person? How will that make you feel?

Obviously you can't help it if you choose to self-harm. Your partner needs to realize that they are endangering you by continuing to date this other metamour. It sounds like this other metamour is a terrible person, I can't imagine what your partner gains by dating them. They are temporary, so how long will they remain in the picture? Does your partner realize how serious the situation is? I assume that your partner cares about your mental health difficulties. Would you recognize it if that were not the case?

Hopefully it helps you to vent.
Kevin T.
 
Hello, Kevin

Unfortunately I don't think my partner (the hinge) realizes how bad their relationship affects me. They care deeply about my mental health; however, their solution to me being stressed out by their relationship with my meta is to up my meds and go to therapy more often. They've told me recently they'd break up with the person if push came to shove, but that kind of decision -just because I can't handle my meta as a meta- makes me feel guilty.

They've never specified how long they'll date this meta, but they're a long term relationship kind of person. Even toxic relationships last for years with them. I don't know what to do currently, but if a year from now they're still dating, I'm calling it quits. They've told me they'd leave them twice before and still haven't, 2 months later. I had some major feelings about that, too. It feels like my meta will be here forever instead of being "temporary" like the hinge said, honestly. Thank you for your feedback.
 
Hello, Magdyln

Thank you for the link, I'll check it out! We've talked about "don't ask, don't tell" but I found out through social media that they went on a date once and it triggered some trauma from past relationships. We've come to an agreement not to talk about my meta and I've blocked them on all social media so I won't know anything. Now it's just a matter of not obsessing on my part and my partner keeping their relationship as private as possible. Which is great...except when I ask for a date night and they have plans, which I usually can figure out is them going out with the meta. I'll discuss need to know only with them, since that might work well. They say the meta has no problem with me, but I still don't want my name coming out of their mouth, y'know?
Thank you for the advice.
 
Are you convincingly absolutely sure that you yourself want to live a polyamorous lifestyle? Or is it just your current partner that's polyamorous?

Polyamory brings endless emotional triggers. If it's not this meta, maybe it's the next. Maybe it's also family disapproval, or maybe its the increased life complexity leading to some difficult decisions (what's next after colleage, are you staying in the same city? your partner won't move, they've got a life here).
If you are, on top of struggling with a meta, covertly struggling with doubts about polyamory, maybe choosing monogamous parners is a wiser way of dating.

Btw, I don't like the fact that you can't tell your therapist about your struggle out of fear of being hospitalized. There's something seriously wrong about that. I wonder if you could address it with him/her.
 
Unfortunately I don't think my partner (the hinge) realizes how bad their relationship affects me. They care deeply about my mental health; however, their solution to me being stressed out by their relationship with my meta is to up my meds and go to therapy more often. They've told me recently they'd break up with the person if push came to shove, but that kind of decision -just because I can't handle my meta as a meta- makes me feel guilty.
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Why would you feel guilty? You handle your other metas fine. THIS one is just weird/ugh. You don't HAVE to be a superhero who can handle everything. Even if you can handle lots... why should you? Dating is supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to be a stress source.

You want a high personal standard for what you seek in a dating partner so you can better weed out the messy people. Set this meta aside. How is your HINGE measuring up?

They've told me recently they'd break up with the person if push came to shove
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Presumably they don't offer things they can't or won't give. I'd take them up on it and say, "Okay, drop this meta."

Think it out. The hinge wants to date the weird meta. They say they care about how it affects you. But instead of breaking up with you decently so your suffering ends, they want you to up your medication and go to therapy more often (which you pay for) so they can retain dating access to you.

They also "offer" to break up with the meta rather than just DOING it. I think they just offer it to look good, or to guilt trip you into going, "Oh, no, that's not necessary," with no intention of actually doing it, because if their intention were to end it, they'd just OWN it, actually end it, and then tell you it is over. They'd take personal responsibility for themselves rather than fobbing it off on you.

Don't let your meta's weirdness blind you to the fact that your hinge is weird themselves, just maybe not as super weird when compared to the meta. But ugh is still ugh, whether it is two platefuls or one plateful. You just don't want ANY.

I think it's easier for you to drop the hinge because it seems they LIKE it just how it is. I don't think they really are gonna do anything.

They've never specified how long they'll date this meta, but they're a long-term relationship kind of person. Even toxic relationships last for years with them. I don't know what to do currently, but if a year from now they're still dating, I'm calling it quits.
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How does the hinge's willingness to put up with toxic relationships for years make them a healthy dating partner for you?

Why would YOU stay in a toxic situation that leads to you wanting to self harm for a whole other year? You aren't obligated to.

If you end it, then you don't have this weird meta or this weird hinge any more. Your meds, therapy, and budget can stay the same. You don't self harm and can enjoy your college experience.

They've told me they'd leave them twice before and still haven't, 2 months later.
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Since the hinge keeps talking about dropping your meta, but not actually doing it? You could drop them, so you don't have to listen to that song and dance any more. When words and actions do not match, you believe the actions. They stick with the meta.

Plus... it's not kind to your meta to talk like that behind their back. This hinge is sloppy, like, they will tell whoever is in front of them whatever, in order to keep them on the string, even if it means throwing some other partner under the bus. Do you ever wonder what this hinge tells WeirdMeta about you or their other dating partners when you aren't around? Does that inspire your confidence in this hinge?

I think you could drop out, and expect them to actually end it with your meta before trying to get back together with you. If the hinge keeps on being weird, you are already out of it and it doesn't affect you any more. Maybe you even decide not to date this person anymore, even if they DO drop your meta. This person doesn't sound especially healthy for you.

Dating people should not cost you your health or your education.

You do fine with the other metas that are aren't weird. You seem to be fine with poly in general. Well, there are other people in the world to poly date. You don't have to be up for this weirdness.

Be picky. Protect your own peace. You don't have to feel bad about doing that. Seek healthy relationships.



Galagirl
 
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Hi hellcat1350,

In my opinion, you have a right to have reasonably good mental health. If this metamour is putting you in danger of self cutting, then that is unfair to you. Upping your meds and going to more therapy is an inappropriate solution, and one that probably won't work. What needs to happen, is that the trauma you are experiencing needs to be addressed at the source. You are not the source, the metamour is the source. I am guessing that the metamour is a terrible person, and it is not good for your partner to date that person. So breaking up with that metamour would be doing both you and your partner a huge favor. I suppose your partner is immersed in NRE for the metamour, and isn't capable of seeing what a terrible person the metamour is. Also your partner needs to realize how deeply this is damaging you. I think your plan to call it quits after a year (if nothing improves) is a good plan. Please don't feel guilty.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello, GalaGirl

Honestly you make some pretty valid points and I apologize for not responding to your initial comment. I honestly am taking into consideration dropping the hinge and just being done with the both of them. We're compatible in literally every way except when this one meta comes into play, so its hard for me to let go. But you have excellent points and I thank you greatly for your advice.
 
Hello, Kevin

They've been dating for roughly five months now, maybe six. I'm not sure how long NRE lasts, but it could very well be a possibility that the hinge is wearing rose tinted glasses with this meta, so to speak. Thank you greatly for your advice.
 
We're compatible in literally every way except when this one meta comes into play, so its hard for me to let go.
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Pretty major incompatibility if it leads to you doing self harm and being this stressed out.


But you have excellent points and I thank you greatly for your advice.
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Glad it helps you some.

GG
 
Hi hellcat,

NRE can last anywhere from six months to two years (some even say three months to three years). The hinge is probably wearing rose-tinted glasses with this meta. It is hard to reason with NRE.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
Hello all,

Update: I've broken up with my partner. I recently found out that while she can't afford to do anything with me for 3 months, she could afford an entire birthday cake for the weird metamour. So there's zero chance I'm allowing either of them back into my life. I also have a therapy appointment scheduled and will be talking to my psychiatrist soon.

Thank you all for your help,

Hellcat
 
Good choice.
 
Hi Hellcat,

Thanks for that update. I am sorry you had to break up with your partner, but under the circumstances I think it is for the best. You need someone who will value your mental health, and will not consort with someone who threatens you in that way. Hang in there and keep taking care of you, let us know whenever we can help.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
hellcat1350 said:
Hello all,

Update: I've broken up with my partner. I recently found out that while she can't afford to do anything with me for 3 months, she could afford an entire birthday cake for the weird metamour. So there's zero chance I'm allowing either of them back into my life. I also have a therapy appointment scheduled and will be talking to my psychiatrist soon.

Thank you all for your help,

Hellcat
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It sounds like you had healthy boundaries and I applaud you for that. I hope the therapist helps to affirm that.
 
While no break up is fun, I think you made the best decision in this situation to get you away from both of them. Don't let either one back in your life.

I hope your therapist appointment is helping and that you take good care of you as you heal from the break up.

best wishes,
GG
 
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