New and Hesitant

[DissonantExistence]

Hello!

I've had a rough few weeks to end up here, and am hoping I can get some help or reassurance as I continue on this journey.

My partner (ze/zir or they/them) and I have been married for 3 years, partnered for 8. When we first started this relationship, my partner was coming out of a poly relationship, but I have only ever been interested in monogamy. Our relationship was monogamous.

Several weeks ago, my partner came to me and let me know that they have developed feelings for someone that's in their life, and they know our relationship is monogamous, but they wanted to try a polyamorous relationship with this person. Nothing romantic or sexual had happened between them, and they didn't know if he would even be interested, but they felt extremely strongly about it - enough so that, in a joint therapy session where the therapist essentially told my partner to cut all ties with the other person and "focus on your marriage," they acknowledged that they weren't sure if the marriage was their preference if they were forced to choose. Perhaps that has more to do with the "forced to choose aspect" that the level of connection, I'm not sure.

I have researched ENM multiple times in the past, and cognitively have no qualms with it. My partner and I are excellent at communication, and are both genuinely open to making changes for the other's benefit. I have zero doubts that they are honest, open, and sincere about how they are feeling and what they want. With that in mind, I agreed to try ENM with my partner, and we drafted a basic set of expectations for both of us to follow to ensure each others (primarily my) sense of well-being.

I'll be honest, though, as I have with my partner. Their interest in this other person (who has, since, acknowledged mutual attraction, and expresses interest in, if confusion about, a relationship with my spouse) causes me an extreme amount of emotional distress. I'll cry myself to sleep half the time, even though my partner and the other person have agreed to put their relationship on "hold" until I'm emotionally able to manage it. The most they have done is watch a sunset together and acknowledge a mutual interest - no physical contact, though emotional intimacy is there for sure.

My partner now feels "like a monster" for putting me through this, and waffles between sticking by my side as I navigate the emotional turmoil, ending our relationship completely, and "going back in the box" of monogamy for my benefit. They hold me when I want to be held, back off when I can't be near them, catch my responsibilities when I'm too upset to manage them. They've genuinely been wonderful about how difficult I am finding this to be.

Nevertheless, for the first time in my life, I feel a substantial desire to stop living. I am in the process of seeking therapy to help, but, given that I live in Arkansas, I'm not confident it will be easy to find a supportive therapist.

With all that said - has anyone else experienced something similar? Is there anything specific you use to help deal with jealousy/hurt/etc that arises from your partner's relationships? Does anyone know of organizations in central Arkansas I could turn to for support? I haven't been able to find much of anything.

My mind knows what it wants - to be there for my partner, to support them and all they are. But my heart disagrees, and I don't know how to align them.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings DissonantExistence,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am sorry you are going through such a difficult ordeal. Poly is not for everyone, just because you understand/appreciate poly does not mean it is right for you. Your partner is understandably in NRE with the new person, and breaking up with them would hurt your partner terribly. On the other hand, your partner continuing to want that new person is hurting you terribly. So you and your partner have come against a profound incompatibility. I'm not sure what to tell you to do about that. The default course of action would be to stay in your marriage, and endure your partner's feelings for someone else, while your partner refrains from taking their poly feelings any further. I'm not sure how much I like that course of action, it seems like it will lead to you and your partner resenting each other.

I hope Polyamory.com can help,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening like this. I don't know if any of this will help you, but I offer it for you to reflect. You don't have to answer any of it or do any of it, just maybe think on it, okay?

First things first:

Nevertheless, for the first time in my life, I feel a substantial desire to stop living. I am in the process of seeking therapy to help, but, given that I live in Arkansas, I'm not confident it will be easy to find a supportive therapist.

This is serious.

What therapy are you seeking? For non-monogamy? Or help with depression/suicidal ideation? Have you considered an online therapist, if Arkansas has few mental health resources you can access?

I encourage you to get a general check-up with your general practician and talk over with your doc whether anxiety/depression/sleep meds are appropriate in your case, to help take the edge off.

If you can't wait, check into the ER and tell them about your suicidal thoughts. You could also call a warm line or hot line.

Sometimes getting a counselor can take a while, and suicide is serious. When no longer in crisis, you could consider a counselor to address the non-monogamy issues, if the current counselor is not well versed in that, or has a bias.

I have researched ENM multiple times in the past, and cognitively have no qualms with it.

There's nothing wrong with saying "ENM/polyamory is fine for other people. I have no qualms with it. But I don't want any for me. I like and prefer monogamy."

With that in mind, I agreed to try ENM with my partner, and we drafted a basic set of expectations for both of us to follow to ensure each others (primarily my) sense of well-being.

Sounds like you agreed to go there. If you were single, would you be doing this all on your own?

How long did you and your partner spend learning and researching? You said a few rough weeks? Some couples spend years preparing. Was this too fast?

Your partner may have met a game changer -- someone who prompted them to reevaluate their life and what they want. But they don't have to run right out to date them. They could deal with the work of opening the marriage or disbanding the marriage first, like, tend to old business before stating new business.

Where's the fire, for either of you? Why all this hurry?

I'll cry myself to sleep half the time, even though my partner and the other person have agreed to put their relationship on "hold" until I'm emotionally able to manage it. The most they have done is watch a sunset together and acknowledge a mutual interest , no physical contact, though emotional intimacy is there, for sure.

That's not "on hold," to me. To me, it sounds like they are dating.

Teens starting to date do that very thing -- share emotional and mental intimacy, do things like take walks and watch sunsets together and talk about crushing on each other. But it's still a real dating relationship, even if they don't have the bucks for fancier dates, or get to sharing sex as fast as adults do.

You are grieving the end of your monogamous marriage. You and your partner have agreed to break that model up in favor of this new ENM one.

I cannot tell from your writing if you are grieving the end of monogamy, really wish to continue with this partner in a new model, and are just struggling through transition as you change core beliefs, or if you "agreed" just to avoid a break-up, but are grieving because you really DO NOT really want this, are going against your own beliefs/values/preferences, and are self-abandoning?

Do you yourself know?

Either way, it's ok to be sad. Things are changing.

Maybe you want to talk with a poly-friendly counselor, as well, who could ask you the more nuanced things and not just go, "You should focus on your marriage"?

www.polyfriendly.org

They aren't going to push you to do polyamory, or any other kind of ethical non-monogamy, if you don't want that, but they might give you more nuanced counseling from having dealt in the mono-poly thing with other clients.

Marriage is great and all. I like mine. But keeping the marriage shape going just to keep it going? Why would one "save the marriage shape" rather than "save the people?"

One doesn't subsume oneself to the marriage or relationship shape. One has to be able to say, "I love you a lot, but NO, not even for you will I do things I don't really want to do, or stay in things that hurt me. Asking me to ding my own well-being is asking too much."

Plus... not every counselor graduates at the top of the class. There's that to think about too.

My partner now feels "like a monster" for putting me through this, and waffles between sticking by my side as I navigate the emotional turmoil, ending our relationship completely, and "going back in the box" of monogamy for my benefit.

Are YOU doing this for their benefit, and not your own? Because if one wants ENM/polyamory and the other wants monogamy, taking turns in the box might be a kind of "fair," but it sure isn't HEALTHY. It's just taking turns who gets to have the thing they want, and who feels miserable.

Is there any codependency here? Maybe www.coda.org could help, if there is.

My mind knows what it wants - to be there for my partner, to support them and all they are. But my heart disagrees, and I don't know how to align them.

Gently... Sometimes the loving thing to do is to let go, because people have changed or grown in different directions over time, and NOT bend yourselves into pretzels.

In letting go as peacefully as possible, under the circumstances, your partner can be FREE TO pursue whatever polyamory they want; you can be FREE FROM the polyamory you do not want. And after healing, you can seek a partner who wants to share monogamy with you. There is nothing wrong with wanting monogamy.

What "letting go" looks like -- a trial separate living apart for a year's lease to see if you can reconcile, or going right to divorce, or something else... you and your partner get to design that.

Remember, you two have changed before, rrom not even knowing each other, and living separately, to friends, dating, engaged, cohabitation, married, etc. So this is another change for this next chapter of life.

Of course, it's not easy to embrace changes sometimes, but maybe being "plain exes," or "exes and friends" would be better than all this suffering?

I encourage you to seek health care and do your soul searching. You are going through a lot. I hope things get better for you, one way or another.

Galagirl

 

[DissonantExistence]

If you were single, would you be doing this all on your own?

No. I have no innate desire to be in a polyamorous relationship. I can see possibly deriving joy from additional partners of my own, but my negative emotional reaction to my partner having additional partners far outweighs that.

How long did you and partner spend learning and researching? Some couples spend years preparing. Was this too fast?

I have researched off and on for years, and my partner has been in polyamorous relationships before. This was very fast, though, in that it was about specific feelings for this specific person.

That's not "on hold." To me, they are now dating.

They are dating. The "on hold" refers to their not seeking further milestones in the relationship. I wouldn't ask them to stop dating, and I can't image they would if I did.

You are grieving the end of your monogamous marriage. You and your partner agreed to break that model up in favor of this new ENM one.

I cannot tell from your writing if you are grieving the end of monogamy, and really wish to continue with this partner in a new model, just struggling through transition as you change core beliefs...

I wish to continue with this partner. I also wish for this partner to be happy, to feel loved and cherished and accepted as they are. If that requires changing the relationship model, I am willing to try it.

... or if you "agreed" to just avoid a break-up but grieve because you really DO NOT really want this, are going against your own beliefs/values/preferences, and are self-abandoning? Do you know?

I do know. My partner and I attended a joint counseling session with the hope of working through the situation; possibly a compromise or at least a path forward. Instead, the counselor told my partner to break all contact with the other person and focus on our marriage, as if it was the issue here.

It's not a perfect marriage, but it's not the issue.

Over the next few days, my partner and I discussed where we were at and what our options were. We have:

Stay monogamous (partner is unhappy)
Separate (both are unhappy; both prioritize staying together)
Try ENM (I am unhappy, possibly temporarily)

We chose to try ENM, knowing that the other two are still options if need be.

It's ok to be sad. Things are changing.

Marriage is great and all. But keeping the marriage shape going just to keep it going? Why would one "save the marriage shape" rather than "save the people?"

One doesn't subsume oneself to the marriage or relationship shape. One has to be able to say "I love you a lot but NO. Not even for you will I do things I don't really want or stay in things that hurt me. Asking me to ding my own well being is asking too much."

We are definitely approaching this more as partners than as individuals. We are committed to being together for various reasons, and also committed to our own and each other's well-being. I don't believe it will ever come to "You're asking too much of me, we have to end this" from either of us, so much as it would be "The only option forward that is at all healthy is to separate," but neither of us wants that at all. We are extremely well matched in most areas and very happy with the relationship that exists between us.

I guess I am speaking for my partner in this. The above is my understanding of where we both stand.

Are YOU doing this for their benefit, and not really yours? Because if one wants ENM/polyamory and the other wants monogamy, taking turns in the box might be a kind of "fair," but it sure isn't HEALTHY. It's just taking turns who gets to have the thing they want and who feels miserable.

Before this series of events, being monogamous wasn't an issue, because my partner had no active interests in others, so I wouldn't say "taking turns" is the right perspective. But yes, I am absolutely doing this for my partner's benefit, just as I stopped smoking for their benefit, and they chose to fill more of the stay-at-home role for mine. We often do things for the benefit of the other person, because we both value each other immensely.

Is there any codependency here? Maybe www.coda.org could help if there is.

I actually think we are both predisposed towards codependency. Being together, with a partner that accepts us as we are, and encourages us to do what we want and be what we want, has prevented many of the more negative behaviors that result from a codependent relationship.

I went into this ENM "trial" with my eyes wide open: it would be difficult and perhaps impossible. But I would rather try it than give up on my relationship, or ask my partner to choose between me and polyamory.

This is serious.

What therapy are you seeking? For non-monogamy? Or help with depression/suicidal ideation? Have you considered an online therapist, if Arkansas has few mental health resources you can access?

I am seeking therapy to address my extreme emotional distress in the specific context of the evolution of my relationship with my partner. I intend to make clear that I know ending the relationship is a valid option, but not one I'm pursuing right now. This would include my suicidal feelings.

I encourage you to get a general check-up with your family practitioner, and discuss with your doc whether anxiety/depression/sleep meds are appropriate in your case. If you can't wait, ER, warm lines or hot lines.

My partner and I are both being watchful. If I start having active ideation (right now it's just a feeling focused on wanting to stop hurting) then I will absolutely seek acute care.

Gently... Sometimes the last loving thing to do is to let go because people have changed or grown in different directions over time. In letting go as peacefully as possible under the circumstances? Partner can be FREE TO pursue whatever polyamory they want. You get to be FREE FROM polyamory you do not want. And after healing, you get to seek a partner who wants to share monogamy with you. There is nothing wrong with wanting monogamy.

What "letting go" looks like -- a trial separate living apart for a year's lease, or right to divorce or something else... you and partner get to design that.

If it comes to that. I guess you could call what I'm doing "trial polyamory." If it doesn't work out, then a trial separation could be another option. It's not something I had considered, tbh; instead of just "it's over," a "let's see what separation feels and looks like." Thank you for the idea.

I encourage you to seek health care and do your soul searching. You are going through a lot. I hope things get better for you one way or another.

Galagirl

I appreciate your response! Thank you.

 

[DissonantExistence]

So you and your partner have come against a profound incompatibility. I'm not sure what to tell you to do about that. The default course of action would be to stay in your marriage, and endure your partner's feelings for someone else, while your partner refrains from taking their poly feelings any further. I'm not sure how much I like that course of action, it seems like it will lead to you and your partner resenting each other.

Neither of us likes it, either. Hence my attempt to be accepting of my partner's polyamorous relationship.

It's just not going well, and I'm hoping to find some advice on dealing with these negative emotions. Seeking help from a poly community is kind of where I'm at, and seeking therapy as well.

Thank you for your reply!

 

[kdt26417]

Hi DissonantExistence,
You're welcome.

Whether you can feel better about polyamory in your life, may depend on how poly and how mono you are. If you are 70% monogamous and 30% polyamorous, then monogamy is your preferred default, but with a little effort you could probably be satisfied in a poly relationship. If you are 95% monogamous and 5% polyamorous, then it is going to be much harder to gain any satisfaction from a poly life. You need to figure out where you land on that spectrum. I also encourage you to look for a poly-friendly therapist, someone who can help you to have good feelings about poly (if there are any such feelings to be had). It may also help to keep interacting with people on this website. Sort of a way of making poly less of a scary unknown.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thanks for more info. In case it helps any...

No. I have no innate desire to be in a polyamorous relationship

Then why are you in one now and going against your core being? You don't have to answer here. but maybe reflect on that, or talk to a counselor about it.

They are dating, the "on hold" refers to their not seeking further milestones in the relationship. I wouldn't ask them to stop dating, and I can't image they would if I did.

Who wanted you to be the "gatekeeper" for how the (Partner + Meta) relationship progresses or not? Do you even want this role, when you aren't even in that other dyad?

Wouldn't you rather focus on the (You + Partner) dyad? In that one, your name actually appears in it.

I wish to continue with this partner. I also wish for this partner to be happy, to feel loved and cherished and accepted as they are. If that requires changing the relationship model, I am willing to try it.

Ok. In what relationship shape? Romantic partners? Exes and friends? Something else? Which model is actually sustainable and supports long-term well-being for each of you?

You might need to work with a different counselor who knows about non-monogamy.

Over the next few days, my partner and I discussed where we were at and what our options were. We have:

Stay monogamous (partner is unhappy)
Separate (both are unhappy; both prioritize staying together)
Try ENM (I am unhappy, possibly temporarily)

We chose to try ENM, knowing that the other two are still options if need be.

I see these:

• Monogamy, both are happy in that.
• Monogamy, but only you are happy, partner is not.
• Separate, trial separation for a year. They date how they want, you date how you want. Go to couples counseling to see if this can be reconciled, or if it needs to disband.
• Separate. Be plain exes. Don't talk anymore.
• Separate. Plain exes temporarily, then be in each other's lives as exes and friends. They date how they want, you date how you want. But you do not date each other anymore, because you are exes.
• ENM. They are happy. You are unhappy.
• ENM. They are happy. You are unhappy at first, but over time, are happy with the change.
• ENM. They are happy... then want to change to polyamory. You are ok with ENM, but not polyamory. Conflict again.
• ENM. Both are happy. Then one of you wants to change to polyamory. Both do the work and are ok with that.
• There could be other possibilities.

This is why I think you could work with a counselor who has non-monogamy counseling experience. You aren't going to get help figuring out best options if the counselor will only say "Stop it. Focus on the marriage."

If it comes to that. I guess you could call what I'm doing "trial polyamory." If it doesn't work out, then a trial separation could be another option. It's not something I had considered, tbh; instead of just "it's over," a "let's see what separation feels and looks like." Thank you for the idea.

You are welcome. Do think about a counselor. It can feel like despair when you can't think of other options, but that's what counseling is sometimes for, to help you to SEE.

I don't believe it will ever come to a "you're asking too much of me, we have to end this" from either of us, so much as it would be "the only option forward that is at all healthy is to separate," but neither of us wants that at all.

Are you saying you'd prefer suicide to saying "No, this is too much and not healthy for me to be in"?

Are you saying you'd prefer suicide to being healthy in yourself, having a healthy break-up, and working towards being exes and friends and being in each other's lives that way?

Are you saying you'd give up smoking to benefit partner, but not work on healing codependency?

You don't have to answer any of that. I think you are in mental distress, and could slow your roll and attend to that first.

I strongly encourage you to think about individual counseling as well as couples counseling. You have a lot going on. I hope you get some professional support and things improve for you little by little.

Hang in there.

Galagirl

 

[Evie]

You are very articulate, but I'm still having difficulty deciphering what it is that you are having such emotional reactions too, specifically. That's not to invalidate your feelings in any way, it's attempt to find their source.

Many people experience jealousy as a fear of loss when first opening up a relationship, but you've repeatedly said that you don't anticipate zir leaving you for this person, or leaving you full stop. Ze is committed to your marriage, as are you. You've also mentioned that you aren't particularly interested in dating anyone else yourself, so it's not a case of envy that ze is out dating while you're not (fomo). So since it's not fear of missing out, or a fear of loss of your relationship, what is it at the root?

Perhaps it's a fear of loss of that sense of specialness, the one and only soulmate stuff we're lead to believe either by the bible or Disney? Or are you catastrophising about the future? Are you worried about sharing zir time? Affordability of zir dating, especially if ze is largely already financially dependent on you? A blow to your ego that somehow zir wanting polyamory means you aren't "enough"? Fears of what other people in your lives will say? Who you can and can't be out to? Do any of these resonate? Or is it something else?

 

[DissonantExistence]

Perhaps it's a fear of loss of that sense of specialness, the one and only soulmate stuff we're lead to believe, either by the bible or Disney?

I wouldn't say that specifically, as I'm not a "soulmates" kind of person, but there is definitely a keen sense of loss that I was the only person with the privilege of sharing these things with zir in the present - and now I'm not.

Or are you catastrophising about the future?

Maybe? Catastrophising about how ze might just fully move on to someone else, even though cognitively I know that won't happen. My emotions don't really want to listen to my rational mind right now.

Are you worried about sharing zir time?

Yes and no? We already have so little time alone together due to our family arrangement, but at the same time I don't fight for every moment.

Affordability of zir dating, especially if ze is largely already financially dependent on you?

Affordability isn't a huge issue, though it's not a non-issue. The financial dependency isn't clear cut in that way - I work full time and ze works part time, and we both do household labor. Ze definitely has higher earning potential than I, but very little desire to chase it. I'm not particularly worried about zir spending money on other romantic interests.

A blow to your ego that somehow zir wanting polyamory means you aren't "enough"?

There is absolutely a strong aspect of not "being enough," though I wouldn't link it directly to ego. I'm not an ego-driven person. I would say it's more a "once again I fall short" kind of feeling.

Fears of what other people in your lives will say? Who you can and can't be out to?

Definitely not these.

Do any of these resonate? Or is it something else?

I'm a little unsure myself, for a lot of it. Unfortunately, many of my negative emotions transform into anger, and that's much harder to parse in the moment (as I'm... angry). It's an issue that has made reflection difficult, and that I've been working on for awhile.

There's an intense sense of loss. Another poster mentioned grieving the loss of my monogamous relationship, and that seems to fit fairly well. I've never dealt with a large loss (luckily), so I can't be sure if that's true.

There's a lot of hurt, but I can't pinpoint what about the situation is hurting me except that this other person just isn't me. My insecurities are absolutely playing into it - fears of inadequacy, of being left behind when ze meets someone "better," probably some others I haven't figured out.

I guess, importantly, most of these are not founded in the relationship type itself. I'm hoping I can work through them, with time and therapy, and am also hoping that support from communities like this can help me find a stable point in the moment while I'm waiting to get into therapy, and that the experiences of others might help me find a path forward that isn't giving up my partner.

Thank you for your questions! Pinpointing the root cause of my emotional distress is a necessary part of this process.

 

[GalaGirl]

Catastrophising about how ze might just fully move on to someone else, even though cognitively I know that won't happen. My emotions don't really want to listen to my rational mind right now.

But even in monogamy people break up. It CAN happen, even after decades of marriage. People grow apart, change, want different things. There doesn't have to be another person around for them to decide that they don't want to be together anymore. They can just decide it.

So "cognitively I know that won't happen" -- that might be you telling yourself stories, or protecting yourself from facing that possibility. (Maybe something to unpack with a counselor.)

fears of inadequacy, of being left behind when ze meets someone "better," probably some others I haven't figured out.

There is absolutely a strong aspect of not "being enough," though I wouldn't link it directly to ego. I'm not an ego-driven person. I would say it's more a "once again I fall short" kind of feeling.

Are you in the habit of doing that sort of "down talk" and being your own self bully? Is it even your own authentic voice or some inner critic voice like mean grandma or mean teacher or something from your youth? Like been there so long you forgot it wasn't from you?

Do you think you "got lucky" to find this partner? Rather than them being attracted to you for the things you bring to the table?

And because you attribute to "luck" you don't know when the luck will run out or how to create it again in a new relationship?

Thank you for your questions! Pinpointing the root cause of my emotional distress is a necessary part of this process.

Yes. Maybe you want to keep a notebook so when you do find a counselor you have a list of things you want to talk about/work on.

GG

 

[DissonantExistence]

But even in monogamy people break up, even after decades of marriage. People grow apart.. There doesn't have to be another person around for them to decide they don't want to be together anymore. They can just decide it.

So "cognitively I know that won't happen" -- that might be you telling yourself stories or protecting yourself from facing that possibility. Maybe something to unpack with a counselor.

Hmm. I do absolutely see what you're saying, there is no ignoring that any relationship can end at any point. I've been blindsided by it before. However, and I feel this is important to the discussion, my trust in my partner is essentially unshakeable at this point, given the history of our relationship and how we've grown in our life together. We talk specifically and explicitly about our struggle points in our relationship, and work together to find solutions without judgement.

I've never had a relationship that functioned so well on that level before. I'm not sure what potentiality could throw us off that didn't start by pushing us away from being open and forthright. Given that we are still doing that now, in spite of the difficult time I'm having, leads me to believe it's quite unlikely.

Of course, ze could leave me out of the blue, and I can't discount that happening as we move further from this moment, changing from where we are now, but I think the far more likely route to that involves a lot of talking and strategizing, and a lot of failing to listen and change. Neither of us has any desire to separate from each other right now, nor sees a likely series of events to cause that change in ourselves. (My partner has been reading over my shoulder/following along on zir device as well, so I say this fairly confidently unless our relationship is very different from what I believe it to be - as in a deep series of lies and falsehoods that I have a hard time even imagining to be true.)

Are you in the habit of doing that sort of "down talk" and being your own self bully? Is it even your own authentic voice or some inner critic voice like mean grandma or mean teacher or something from your youth? Like been there so long you forgot it wasn't from you?

Oh, that's definitely my parents and 30 years of undiagnosed ADD talking. Failing to live up to my "potential" has been a running theme pressed upon me by others. That and being raised in a very conservative Christian sect that I escaped a decade ago.

Yes. Maybe you want to keep a notebook so when you do find a counselor you have a list of things you want to talk about/work on?

GG

That's an excellent idea! Thank you!

 

[GalaGirl]

Could mention all those in the counselor notebook too -- inherited "down talk," the ADD, and leaving the very conservative Christian sect. Maybe in a "background" section with "present day" stuff in another section?

GG

 

[Magdlyn]

GG has done an excellent job of posting at length with ideas.

I just wanted to chime in that when my ex-husband and I were struggling with opening our marriage, we had a (new) couples counselor who I saw once alone when he couldn't make it to an appointment. I told her (as the poly partner), that throughout my life, I would get "crushes" on others, even when in a mono relationship. At this point I'd been with my husband for 20 years.

This counselor told me flat out "Married people shouldn't get crushes on others." I was honestly shocked that she'd tell me I didn't have a right to my feelings. No one should tell anyone "You can't or don't or shouldn't feel xyz"! I'd been married 20 years and was raising three children, and one of my mantras was, everyone feels what they feel. It's what you do with your feelings that matters.

We'd had a much better poly-friendly counselor prior to this "see you next Tuesday," but our insurance had changed, so... I fired this one on the spot. Pfft!

Edit: this person also wore pencil skirts and stiletto heels to our appointments, whereas the former good counselor was more of a maxi skirt and Birkenstocks kinda gal. You know?

 

[Juan234]

No one should tell anyone "You can't or don't or shouldn't feel xyz"!

Edit: this person also wore pencil skirts and stiletto heels

BEST POST - EVER!!