Pregnancy - how to help my primary

R

RBMaelstrom

New member
Hey all, thanks in advance for reading this post and for offering any advice that you might have.

My primary, Margo, and I have been together for 9 years now. We just got married earlier this year, but we've been common-law/effectively married for about 3 years now. We're both in our late 20s, and recently decided that we're at about the right stage of life for us to have a child (decent jobs, house, car, as debt free as we're going to get with those, etc.).

About 2 months ago, Margo became pregnant. For reasons of caution (read: having everyone go yay, and then something goes wrong), we haven't told anyone. I haven't even told my secondary girlfriend, Maeve.

Margo, however, has hit me with one hell of a conundrum. She is worried that, in her words, "When I am big and fat, you can just run off and sleep with Maeve." I love Margo to death. Maeve and I have a long history of friendship and sexual tension. After a long time of trying to get together in this secondary fashion, we have. I also care about her deeply.

I don't want to lose either, but recognize that I may not have another option. I try to make sure that Margo feels loved, cared for, beautiful and fantastic every day. I don't feel like it's making a difference. Help!
 
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RBMaelstrom said:
I try to make sure that Margo feels loved, cared for, beautiful and fantastic every day. I don't feel like it's making the difference.
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Welcome to the world of pregnancy hormones. Sorry, I don't have any specific advice as in regards to poly relationships in this situation, but I would suggest you read up on dealing with pregnant women. Preganacy can turn a completely calm rational women into a raving lunitc at the drop of a hat. Hopefully others will have better advice for you.
 
SNeacail said:
Welcome to the world of pregnancy hormones. Sorry, I don't have any specific advice as it regards to poly relationships in this situation, but I would suggest you read up on dealing with pregnant women. Preganacy can turn a completely calm rational women into a raving lunitc at the drop of a hat. Hopefully others will have better advice for you.
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This I understand, and I have done some reading on the subject. But her concern seems rational enough, even if based in emotion. That said, I have no idea of how to assuage it.
 
I think here is a great place to really reinforce that a wonderful relationship is deeper than surface stuff (appearance, sex drive, etc). Let her see (via actions) that your love for her is, if anything, stronger.

Like Snecail said, it's going to be hormonal for awhile, and then you'll be dealing with the little one consuming disproportionate amounts of her time and energy. That's just what kids are about.

Reassure Margo that you expect and understand these things and that your bond will only grow deeper, if maybe in a slightly different manner. But it's all good if you let it be.

You'll hopefully get lots more good advice from the ladies who have actually gone through this.
 
If your Marg and Meave are somewhat close, I would suggest Maeve take an active role in supporting Margo, as well (and makes it clear she'll be available to take care of the child after birth so you two can still have dates), so that it feels more balanced to Margo. And your being there for her throughout the pregnancy should help her.

In any case, I would suggest telling Maeve about the pregnancy, as it will affect her as well. If it were me, I would feel left out if I wasn't told as early as possible.

Other than that, I think Margo will probably have the same kind of reactions as other pregnant women tend to. What I mean is, sure you're poly, and therefore she can accuse you of neglecting her for your girlfriend, but if you weren't, she could either accuse you of the same with your pals, or of cheating on her, etc. At any rate, it's important to realise these concerns are probably very real for her, and to be reassuring, and at the same time not to take them too personally, as a lot of it might be due to the pregnancy and not your relationship.
 
I assume this is a V relationship. Are they friends? Do they know each other? These things matter in terms of dealing with her insecurities.

Also, Margo says she fears that you will run off to Maeve when she (Margo) is fat. You say that you fear you may have to give Maeve up. Did Margo say that she wanted you to break it off with Maeve?

I ask, because I felt that way in a monogamous relationship during every pregnancy. I expressed that fear every time I saw what I perceived as a hot chick, and every time I was reassured that yes, she was a hot chick, "But not as hot as you, angel. You burn me with your sexiness," usually accompanied by a soft touch to my huge belly.

If Margo is needing reassurance, she should say so. But you shouldn't feel like you have to solve it. Just reassure her.
 
"Sweetheart! What do you mean, fat? You're going to be huge with the growth of our love in you!"

"Honey! Don't you know that you are just going to be sexier when our baby is pressing out to show off to the world?"

"Baby! I don't think that anyone is sexier than a woman carrying the greatest gift of our love! Are you KIDDING?!?!"
 
I appreciate all of the advice that you guys have given. And largely, that's what I try to do most days. It's also really the plan. I tried to make sure Margo felt good and thoroughly loved this evening, which is all I can hope for in a day. I'll continue to do that.

I suppose that I was looking for magical words, or perhaps some gap in logic that I was missing. But largely it seems to be a matter of making sure that I prioritize her, which was always the plan.

No, she hasn't said that she wants me to break it off with Maeve. But she did make an off-hand remark the other week about how it'd be easier, and it concerned me.

They are reluctant friends, I'd say. One day, they are great friends and get along. Other days it's like snake and mongoose.

And finally, heheh, thanks. Those are some good ones. I'll have to remember them.
 
Oh, I was such a bitch when I was pregnant. I can't imagine having to deal with relationship dynamics at the same time.

I think it's time to get Maeve in on this and strategize about what it will all mean to each of you. I think having a weekly, monthly, whatever time, for each of you to talk about what is going on for you might be an idea. Make it a habit so that when baby comes its already fully established.

Women who are pregnant get obsessed with themselves and their babies. It's natural and a good thing, but hard for others to understand, and it gets tiring. Understanding this now might save you later.

When the baby comes it's a whole new ball game. Lack of sleep, demand demand demand. Hopefully Margo has a cheery disposition naturally. I didn't. I sucked and dragged everyone down.

Needless to say, everything will change, but eventually it will all die down in a number of years and you can see where you are at. Buckle up, my friend, you are in for a bumpy ride!
 
I wasn't polyamorous in practice when I was pregnant and raising three kids born in five years... I kinda wish I'd been. All my energy went to the kids. My libido completely flatlined. I wonder how it would've helped our marriage if my husband had had "wife number two" to go to to assuage his libido. Maybe a less frustrated Daddy would've made a better husband and dad than he was.

Hmm, just something to think about. I wonder if anyone has experienced this?
 
I'm just glad having kids wasn't in the cards for me. I'm lucky that way. No offense intended.

I think the key thing here is for RBMaelstrom to prove his love for Margo by his actions. She fears that he'll cast her aside, in favor of Maeve. Well, let him embrace Margo during the months of her pregnancy, more than ever. Let her see that there's no need to fear.
 
Heheh, get ready to be here often.

I remember when my ex was pregnant her feeling “fat” and me finding her unbelievably attractive and not having an outlet because she didn’t feel that way.

If y’all can just bone a lot, hopefully that will help with her feeling like she’s still hot, still a priority, still everything that she of course is, but pregnancy confuses. But yeh, lots and lots of reminders. 40 weeks of keeping track of the keys for another grown-ass human because they will end up in the fridge.
 
FeralGeek said:
Heheh, get ready to be here often.

I remember when my ex was pregnant her feeling “fat” and me finding her unbelievably attractive and not having an outlet because she didn’t feel that way.

If y’all can just bone a lot, hopefully that will help with her feeling like she’s still hot, still a priority, still everything that she of course is, but pregnancy confuses. But yeh, lots and lots of reminders. 40 weeks of keeping track of the keys for another grown-ass human because they will end up in the fridge.
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What do you mean with the "keys" and "ending up in the fridge"?
 
Magdlyn said:
What do you mean with the "keys" and "ending up in the fridge"?
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Didn't you misplace stuff in the strangest locations when you were pregnant? I've heard of it happening even though I haven't been pregnant myself. I also did this during perimenopause before I started HRT. Except I left my phone the fridge lol.
 
Evie said:
Didn't you misplace stuff in the strangest locations when you were pregnant? I've heard of it happening even though I haven't been pregnant myself. I also did this during perimenopause before I started HRT. Except I left my phone the fridge lol.
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Oh lol. I thought that a person "ended up in the fridge," and that was some kind of metaphor. No, I don't think I became that absent-minded during pregnancy, or even during menopause, for that matter. (My partner Pixi has enough ADHD for all the keys in China, though.)

Lots of woman have no desire to "bone a lot" during pregnancy, or during the exhausting newborn, infant or toddler years. While pregnant, we feel nauseated, we have heartburn, we are exhausted beyond belief, we can't face certain foods, or we have no room for food, we are constipated, our ankles might be swollen, our nipples are sore and we feel protective of the slightest touch, we might suddenly develop acne, and we get to a point where we're so large, it takes a crane to even turn over in bed. Lots of women fear changes in their bodies, and many fear the birth.

Maybe our partners think we look amazing, but other than (possibly) (not for me) during the three months of the middle trimester, we probably feel like shit, from one symptom or another...

My drive came rushing back when my youngest of three kids turned five-years old and finally started sleeping through the night. (Well, except for maybe needing help with a quick pee, and then right back to bed. All my kids were terrible sleepers.) Then I became that raging sex maniac again, my true self. lol
 
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