Husband wants to play with other females

[Momandwifeof1]

My husband and I have been in a relationship for over 18 years, and married for 11 years. In the past, he brought up having sex with another person. It was a huge emotional issue, being that I am monogamous, and have always felt like the person I am with should only be with me and only want me (sounds selfish). When it was brought up years before our marriage, I ended up compromising by agreeing to have a 3some, which I was not 100% comfortable with. But for the sake of my relationship, I went along with it. I regretted it for years. However, after all was said and done, my now husband said that was awkward and that he was thankful that I was willing to help/accommodate his feelings of always being with other women.

When we got together, my husband was 17 years old and I was 19. He stated felt like he missed out on the years of what most would consider “party” years, where he would go out partying and be with other girls/women; however, we met and fell in love instantly. I felt guilty that he felt that way, which is why I went along with the 3some. Now 10+ years later and one child, the topic has arisen again.

Over the years of our marriage, we lost our communication. I lost my sense of self. He began to wonder and wish he was single; that way he could go do what he wants and be happy. He has always had a high sex drive. Over the years, my sex drive had depleted a lot. I have been tapering off a lot of medications and it has began to come back, luckily. However, that topic of being able to play with other females has returned heavy on his mind.

He didn’t like bringing up uncomfortable topics of conversations because I am/have been known to have a temper and basically become defensive and pretty much impossible to talk to. That’s where the lack of communication began.

I want to see him happy and for him to be happy. As of the last 2 weeks, I started therapy for myself, for PTSD, ADHD, anxiety disorder and depression. I began looking inward and I have found peace in communicating better and stop getting angry or upset when he expresses his wants, desires and needs. Over the 2 weeks he has mentioned being a demisexual and maybe looking into making our marriage polygamous.

Personally, I don’t like the idea of my husband having sex with anyone besides me, being I am monogamous. However, I want him to be happy and I know he wants the same too. He has asked me if I would want to see anyone to get what I want and need intimately. I said I don’t want anyone else but him. But the more I think about him not being able to live the way he wants and be happy by just having sex with someone else is making me question a lot of things. He looks at sex just being sex, it’s a pleasure and nothing more, which is the opposite of me. I am hoping for some insight. We both don’t want to separate or divorce. That’s not a option, because we do love each other very much.

Thank you in advance!

 

[Musso]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know how hard it can be because I've recently had a similar experience where my wife didn't want to open up our relationship while it became clear to me that I could never forget about polyamory. I don't feel like writing my whole story here but if you'd like to talk, you can DM me.

Otherwise the only thing I would recommend is to read a polyamory book like The Ethical Slut or Opening Up which explain very well what polyamorous relationships can be. Polyamory can sometimes have a bad reputation but it's not polygamy and it's very much based on love.

 

[Evie]

Could you please clarify if your husband has said he believes you are demisexual, or if he is saying he is demisexual.

Given that being demisexual is wanting a strong emotional bond before engaging in sex, and that he has said sex is just sex, I am currently interpreting your post as he thinks you are demisexual and he wants to have casual sex with near strangers.

Good luck to him finding those casual strangers. Does he think given the green light from you that he's going to go out and "shoot fish in a barrel"? Where is he going to find these women that just want a one and done?

Honestly, you're more likely to find a man who you would bond with and then share sex with (thus fulfilling your alleged demisexuality), but you've said you're not particularly inclined towards that. Regardless, set the expectations NOW. Have the ability to be open on both sides of the relationship, even if you don't immediately act upon it, or ever. But if he's asking you to do the emotional labor of opening up your relationship so he can have sex with other women, then he should have to do the emotional labor to be comfortable with you sharing your affections and sex with other other men (note: you would be sharing yourself, not him sharing you, you're not his property). You never know who is just around the corner.

I know you don't want separation or divorce to be an option, but it IS an option, just the least desirable one right now. So get yourself the books Opening Up and Designer Relationships, read about a whole bunch of ways other people have done this, and TALK with him about what your new relationship model could look like that you can both embrace. Do not live in a relationship model where you are just tolerating it, you will just exacerbate your anxiety and depression, which will then probably lead to the divorce you're trying so hard to avoid right now.

Also, keep in mind that it's entirely possible that he and a fuck buddy may actually develop feelings for one another. Perhaps move into being friends more just casual sex partners. Maybe more. He thinks right now that he can just go sow his wild oats anywhere but the reality is that he can't predict the future, no one can, and it's better to be honest about this being a first crack of the barn door, but there's every chance the horse could bolt. Speaking of wild oats, he's had the snip right? Even with condoms the risk of unexpected pregnancy is too high, and as we read time and time and time again here, in the heat of the moment, condoms are frequently ignored. Make sure that the risk of unplanned and unwanted pregnancy is as close to zero as humanly possible.

There's a hell of a lot more that you will both need to educate yourselves on, it's never as simple as the person whose idea it is thinks it will be. I was that person. I didn't know what I didn't know, despite having been on this site before opening up. You can't foresee everything, but you can learn the most common mistakes from the collective wisdom. We have a bunch of resources here: https://polyamory.com/threads/most-...-articles-books-websites-podcasts-etc.155304/ including links to the books that have been recommended so far.

 

[GalaGirl]

In your shoes, I'd decline. The current deal is monogamy.

I think if you are strictly monoamorous (want to love one sweetie) and monogamous (want to be in 1:1 relationships only, just two people), then don't get involved in a poly V or anything similar. It just won't work, because you will not be in the relationship shape you prefer. Even if you have your one sweetie, you would not get them exclusively.

If you are monoamorous (want to love one sweetie) and are relationship-shape flexible -- like you can do monogamy, or be an end point person in a V, or similar, because you have your one sweetie to love? It might work, or it might not, just like any other relationship might work or might not.

He CHOSE to marry you. You don't have to feel bad or guilty about him choosing that. If he regrets making that choice now, or wants to be single now, you can't make him stick with that monogamy deal if he doesn't want it anymore. You cannot force him.

But he can't make you sign up for a new deal called "polyamory" if you don't want that. He can't force you, either.

If people have become incompatible over time, sometimes the most loving thing to do is accept it and to peacefully let go. There is nothing wrong with a divorced, coparenting family. It's still family. You're just not married to each other anymore.

Over the 2 weeks he has mentioned being a demisexual and maybe looking into making our marriage polygamous.

What does he even mean? If he's not making one partner (you) happy right now, what makes him think he can make two partners happy? And that other partner won't have legal marriage or the legal standing you do as spouse. YOU are the legal spouse. Will that partner already come married to someone else? Or is he thinking some single woman wants to sign up for his new deal? Can she date other people, or is he thinking he dates others, but his partners have to be "loyal" to him only? What about more kids with you or the new partners? Is he going to get a vasectomy first?

He's not going to make this marriage "polygamous" just because he says so. Your consent to do things or not belongs to you. And you do not have to consent to this. He can't make unilateral decisions for your dyad couple.

If sex is "just sex," would he consider seeing a professional sex worker from time to time and meet the need that way? How would you feel about that?

Or does he want to date since he wants to "add a spouse?"

If you do go there and explore polyamory, I think it could be open on both sides. Both of you can date outside the marriage, and share both love and sex with others. Then whether or not you exercise your option is up to YOU, and not like you don't get the option at all, and it's only open for him. That's not fair.

Plus... who knows? If you two have only really dated each other all this time, you and husband both might be in for some eye-openers.

Sometimes the reluctant partner is more successful at poly dating than the one who wanted to open originally. Then that one wants to close again. Then what?

You might meet someone who is more compatible for you in your 30s, 40s, and beyond who wants to share monogamy with you. Then what? Think this out carefully.

But again... you don't not have to sign up for any new deals. You don't have to explore this with him if you have zero interest.

You have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But NO, not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want to do, or stay in things that feel bad. Asking me to hurt my own well-being in service to you or the marriage is asking too much of me. I'll have to bow out."

You already got a taste of that doing the threesome you didn't really want to do in service to him/the relationship. Do not repeat that. Do not self abandon. When all the things are hard, you get to PICK your hard.

Galagirl

 

[LoveBunny]

Looking at your username, you identify as a wife and mother. You've stated that, through years of your marriage (and you married very young) you've lost your sense of self, your libido, and suffer from mental health issues. You've done things that hurt you (threesome) to try to get him off. It's not uncommon for women, who are taught our value is in having relationships, to rely heavily on these r'ships for our self-worth and to sacrifice selves to keep them.

So if the person from whom you are deriving your self-worth (your husband) feels like he "missed out" on something by marrying you, well, that's not going to feel good. Now, he wants to have other "wives" (non-hierarchical poly.) If you identify strongly as a wife, what does it mean to you if you're not the only one in his heart? He's demisexual and wants more than a fuckbuddy, on the one hand. On the other, "sex is just sex?" Confusing, for sure.

You're not being selfish. You simply know on an instinctual level that whatever time/energy/support you're actually getting from husband, you will most likely get even less when he's pursuing or caught up in someone else.

If you ended the marriage, cut him loose, he could experience all the strange he wants, no need for you to be a part of it. Let him clean up after himself, parent by himself on occasion, try to convince women he's worth dating. You will no longer have to worry about threesomes. Maybe you will rediscover your sense of self.

Maybe down the road is a monogamous man who won't feel like he's missing out on anything by being with you. Imagine what it feels like to know you are enough for someone--and enough for yourself!!

I wouldn't advise going poly if you are monogamous, you'll find it stressful and unsatisfying, and it sounds like you have more important things to work on. If you do decide to try it, maybe use it as a way to achieve some independence and separation from your husband, and to practice dating again and to see "what else is out there" as they say.

 

[Magdlyn]

Evie and GG gave great advice. (Edit: and Lovebunny too; we posted at the same time.)

In another thread (about the average age of posters here) Evie noted that most (not all) of the people who come here are couples who met fairly young, even married high school or college sweethearts while in their early 20s, and are now older, and feel like they missed out on sowing their wild oats, and therefore deeply desire more variety in sex partners.

Another extremely common issue is mismatched libidos.

I just wanted to let you know you and your husband are by far not alone here. You can do searches for "opening up," "mismatched libidos," "mismatched sex drives," or whatever else, and see what comes up in older threads. We also have a list of older archived consolidated threads on many similar topics in our Golden Nuggets section.

https://polyamory.com/threads/master-thread-links-to-other-threads-worth-reading.1830/

I have a very good friend, former lover, who got married (monogamously) in his mid-20s (after we stopped dating), and had a couple good years with his wife, until she had their one child. Her libido completely disappeared. He is still just in his early 30s now. They have sex maybe once or twice a year. I feel so bad for him, to have nothing sexual in his life but porn and masturbation. Yet every time he brings up ENM, she shuts him down before he barely has a chance to talk. Personally, I don't think this is fair. It's not like she's exhausted with a toddler. Their one child is 7 or 8 at this point!

I do feel that our society puts far too much emphasis on lifelong sexual fidelity, when it just isn't reasonable or practical, or even kind. Naturally, it's a big reason why there is so much cheating and divorce.

That said, I am very glad you're seeking therapy for your medical conditions that might be affecting your libido. My female partner has the same ones, and they do affect her libido. I think the gods every day we are poly, so she and I can bond in the ways she is capable of, while I can also have another person in my life with a consistently high libido to match mine. Ideally, Pixi would be more interested in sex with me, but I've come to accept that is not the hand we've been dealt. Despite all her therapy and meds, it hasn't helped with her low interest in sex. (She is fine with a quickie once a week, whereas with my bf I have several sessions lasting over an hour per week, with lots of creativity, flirting and a little kink mixed in. Pixi is happy for me.)

 

[ayevarviva]

Check out this nice video in regards to what you're going through:
Poly under duress

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Momandwifeof1,

It sounds like you are torn between your monogamous feelings, and wanting your husband to be happy. I don't know if you have heard of a mono/poly marriage/relationship, such a thing does exist and there are people who make it work, although it is challenging. You feel that your husband should only want you, and that will be difficult or impossible to overcome. I hope Polyamory.com can help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I always wonder if curious but confused men like the OP's husband should see a sex worker, or if that's a terrible idea.

It could work for some mono wives, and not for others. For me, with three young kids and 0 libido, when my ex-h confessed to having gotten a few lap dances, I was actually relieved. I just didn't care. I am poly at heart, though. However, we were in a monogamous marriage, and he was extremely jealous of me even talking to other men. So it was extremely hypocritical, but I was too tired to care, at that point in time.

Going to sex workers, or even getting phone sex, can really rack up the expense, which is often a big deterrent for many people, especially in the current economy!

 

[Tinwen]

Hello Momandwife,

My husband and I have been in a relationship for over 18 years, and married for 11 years. In the past, he brought up having sex with another person. It was a huge emotional issue, being that I am monogamous, and have always felt like the person I am with should only be with me and only want me (sounds selfish). When it was brought up years before our marriage, I ended up compromising by agreeing to have a 3some, which I was not 100% comfortable with. But for the sake of my relationship, I went along with it. I regretted it for years. However, after all was said and done, my now husband said that was awkward and that he was thankful that I was willing to help/accommodate his feelings of always being with other women.

Sorry for your bad experience with the threesome. If you read around, you may find that you're not alone - even many polyamorous people don't do threesomes, because it's so hard to make sure no one feels left, because they are jealous seeing their partner intimate, or simply because they prefer that one-on-one connection.

When we got together, my husband was 17 years old and I was 19. He stated felt like he missed out on the years of what most would consider “party” years, where he would go out partying and be with other girls/women; however, we met and fell in love instantly. I felt guilty that he felt that way, which is why I went along with the 3some. Now 10+ years later and one child, the topic has arisen again.

This is tough - feeling that you missed out on something in life. While it's totally not "your fault," I get why having had one intimate partner only leads to so much curiosity. While I hear that you don't have desire for other men, haven't you also, at times, experienced that curiosity?

Over the years of our marriage, we lost our communication. I lost my sense of self. He began to wonder and wish he was single; that way he could go do what he wants and be happy. He has always had a high sex drive. Over the years, my sex drive had depleted a lot. I have been tapering off a lot of medications and it has began to come back, luckily. However, that topic of being able to play with other females has returned heavy on his mind.

I think it's really important to realize that the desire to seek sex or love elsewhere arises much more strongly if one is dissatisfied with the primary relationship. "I wonder what it would be like with another woman?" - that's basic curiosity that can come up anytime and can be managed most of the time. "I'm starved for intimacy, and I'm hitting a brick wall in my partnership so much so that going elsewhere increasingly seems like the only option" - that's a problem, and a very bad place to start a poly relationship from. If you ever decide to "let him explore," or explore together, it should be when your relationship is in a good place.

He didn’t like bringing up uncomfortable topics of conversations because I am/have been known to have a temper and basically become defensive and pretty much impossible to talk to. That’s where the lack of communication began.

I want to see him happy and for him to be happy. As of the last 2 weeks, I started therapy for myself, for PTSD, ADHD, anxiety disorder and depression. I began looking inward and I have found peace in communicating better and stop getting angry or upset when he expresses his wants, desires and needs.

Wow, that's a lot of diagnoses, and long-term problems. Congratulations on making that step. Keep it up.

Over the 2 weeks he has mentioned being a demisexual and maybe looking into making our marriage polygamous.

Personally, I don’t like the idea of my husband having sex with anyone besides me, being I am monogamous. However, I want him to be happy and I know he wants the same too. He has asked me if I would want to see anyone to get what I want and need intimately. I said I don’t want anyone else but him. But the more I think about him not being able to live the way he wants and be happy by just having sex with someone else is making me question a lot of things. He looks at sex just being sex, it’s a pleasure and nothing more, which is the opposite of me. I am hoping for some insight. We both don’t want to separate or divorce. That’s not a option, because we do love each other very much.

Your husband seems to be in a state of internal pressure to have the debates and open up NOW, which I also get, because, in a sense, he's waited for a long time. He's been through maybe a decade of sexual dissatisfaction with a depressed wife, overwhelmed by childcare responsibilities, and on meds which further killed her sex drive.

But you only recently took up more responsibility for your mental health and started therapy. It would be great if you could focus on that.
Your relationship is in a bad place. Plus, you're confused about the different approaches to non-monogamy.

Even if you were willing to open up, this is NOT the time. Opening up always brings up HUGE emotions to manage. At the same time, it's impossible to shelve the topic indefinitely. So this is my recommendation for you:

Make an agreement to do preparation. For the next 6 months, you two should:

1. Work on your mental heath as an individual (or individuals)
2. Work on your intimacy as a couple
- consider seeing a couples' therapists for communication issues
- find more focused one-on-one time
- etc.
3a. Work on limiting circumstances that negatively affect your mental health, such as:
- if you're overwhelmed by household chores, maybe you need outside help. Maybe you need to ask relatives to step in, or pay a cleaning service.
- if you're low income, maybe he, or both of you, need to learn more skills and get a better job, so that you can afford said outside help and aren't so stressed about getting by
- consider if there are other life changes that need to be done
3b. Ensure independence
- I know this is harsh, but if you currently don't work and have shared finances, you may need to get a job and split bank accounts so that you have your own money. Consent can't be freely given if one would end up on the street in case of divorce/breakup/separation. It is smart to have an escape route - not to use it, but to avoid being cornered if things go wrong.
4. Educate yourself about various types of non-monogamy, so that your debate is informed. Read up, but even more, get in touch with non-monogamous people in real life and talk to them about their stories.
- there are plenty of approaches ranging from don't-ask-don't-tell arrangements, to couple-centric, to polyamory. Perhaps even paid sex.
- you may also need to examine some limiting beliefs, like the religious proposition that desire itself is immoral

All of these are huge, huge tasks, so six months will not be enough to see through all of them, but the time pressure gives you an incentive to actually make progress.
What hopefully happens after 6 months of focused effort is this:
- you will have made some minor and major changes and be clearer about which changes you want to make in the near future
- you are happier people in a healthier relationship
- you, motherandwife, may be better equipped to handle his (sexual) independence
- his need to open up feels less pressing because of improved intimacy, so he may be better able to pace himself
- however, your incompatibility is still on the table.

Only then do you sit down and make a decision:
Attempting to open up in one way or another.
Staying monogamous or monogamish.
Working on your shared life for another six months before deciding.
Choosing to separate peacefully over this not-so-small incompatibility.

Opening up is a huge step that wrecks couples quite often. It shines a spotlight on all the cracks in a relationship and brings unforeseen challenges to the unprepared. I think this approach of "working on us first" gives you the best chance of surviving as a couple.

Remember this: cheating is the silent norm. The fact that your husband talks to you about his desire for ethical non-monogamy instead means he does have respect for you, a strong moral foundation and a trust in the power of open communication.

 

[Jeambo]

Other replies are so great that I feel I have no more advice to give.

Just to give some personal perspective here...

As a male poly person, I did almost all of those thing that your husband did, to my ex-partner (except the threesome thing, but we did go swinging with another couple).

We had a marriage-like relationship for ten years and broke up last year. It's not good news for you, but before that we had an open relationship for 6 years and were poly for 3 years.

After a lot of talks and reflections, we successfully reached a compromise, and based on that, we agreed to:
- No poly relationships or outside sex occur in our city;
- I only see them at weekends or long holidays;
- Casual sex can happen in our city, but not in our home;
- Everyone knows we are a couple and no one is allowed to join this "couple" (they can be secondary partners or "固炮 fixed fuck buddies");
- Total transparency about who I'm going to see and what we're gonna do;
- More detailed things...

Those things really relieved his anxiety and insecurity, and I got the enough freedom I need with the relationship continuing. You and your husband don't need to copy that. My purpose is to show that it can be possible to reach an agreement, and there are so many things you can do to make you two both feel OK (if not the best).

Finally we broke up because I had a local sex partner and my ex felt anxious again. He realized he is totally monogamous, and poly would lead him to endless jealousy and insecurity. I was trying to make this relationship possible, but I gave up after he told me about this. He had tried so hard to accept a poly husband, but still couldn't make it. If you, after lots of reflection, feel you can't make it too, then divorce could be an option for you. You may put this into consideration, but don't really do it quickly. Think before you do anything that can't be withdrawn with a Ctrl+Z.

Wish you best!

 

[Tinwen]

@Momandwifeof1 No need to reply to everything, I just hope you come back to see those replies.

 

[Magdlyn]

@Momandwifeof1 No need to reply to everything, I just hope you come back to see those replies.

Tinwen, I appreciate you in general, and your previous post in particular. I can see you gave it a lot of thought and time, and it would be nice to get a response!

 

[Tinwen]

Tinwen, I appreciate you in general, and your previous post in particular. I can see you gave it a lot of thought and time, and it would be nice to get a response!

Thank you. Sometimes I get quite absorbed by the stories I reply to, and yes, I really thought about this situation, and tried to feel it out from both peoples' sides.
Unfortunately, the OP hasn't been back to the server. Maybe someday she remembers