I'm sorry this happened this way.
In your other post from Feb you said she wanted to open and you did not. The decent thing to do with that kind of incompatibility would have been for her to break up politely with you first, before moving on.
Your GF said she's emotionally monogamous and sexually poly. You didn't sound up for that in your other post. You sounded like you were thinking about exploring actual polyamory, but wanted to heal from past exes first so you weren't mixing up polyamory with cheating. So you were not ready to open yet.
It sounds like she didn't break up with you first. She just took up with your friend.
So idk how I should feel at all. I've always wanted to try a polycule, but I know I can’t because I'm a person who needs physical touch and quality time in a relationship, and I can’t have much of those with someone who’s 7 hours away. I don’t want to break up w my gf, but I also don’t want to stay in this, because the idea of my friend knowing what my gf looks like naked messes w my head so much.
Let's unpack that one thing at a time.
Are you thinking "trying a polycule" means all 3 people dating each other? Because polyamory just means each person can date more than one person, like another BF/GF/partner-type person. You could date a local partner and skip LDR stuff, because you know yourself and would not like an LDR. You want physical touch and quality time in person.
You sound like you are in anticipatory grief, like you kinda know you have to end it with this GF because you don't want to stay in this, but feel super sad about it, and super sad that she treated you poorly doing things this way. It is not loving behavior.
It's ok to feel sad and end it anyway.
If your friend and your GF know about your pain from past exes cheating, them taking up like this before you and GF updated your agreements is pretty much new cheating. That's not a great foundation to start from. It's not kind and not friendly.
As painful as it is to end it, I think it's the healthiest thing to do here. You’ve been together about 9 months. Usually that’s still the “on best behavior” phase. If this is what’s happening now, it’s worth paying attention to that.
Do the hard thing you were already thinking about doing in the other thread. Break up with GF and with the friend. Don't drag things out any more.
Basically my suggestion doesn't change much from your last post.
That doesn't change the disclosure part, though. It would have saved a lot of heartache to know from the start that your desires weren’t compatible, because she wants poly (amory or sexuality) and you don't.
Take what you can from this experience, and when you start dating again, be upfront about asking people what they’re looking for—ENM, polyamory, monogamy, or something else, so you don’t end up in the same situation.
So now that it's a few weeks later, end it as peacefully as possible under the circumstances with each of them. It can be a simple:
- "GF, this doesn't work for me. I'm breaking up."
- "Friend, this doesn't work for me. I'm breaking up."
That's short enough, polite enough, dignified enough, and gets you out fast. And then you mute/block them on all the things.
Whatever you think and feel in privacy of your own head is your business. You might have a lot of anger and upset to process. Take a time out to do your healing from past cheating exes, from this GF break-up, from the Friend break-up, and anything else that may need healing. If it's heavy on you, consider working with a counselor, if you can. Don't process with your STBX gf and STBX friend. Just be exes.
And when you're ready, date locally, since you prefer that. But don't keep going in this. You have to put your own well-being first.
If you want to explore actual polyamory later on, do it on your own terms, not like some GF dragging you along behind her, against your will. Poly under duress is not great. You have a voice. You have agency. It's okay to say "No, thank you. Not doing this like this."
I hope things get better for you.
Galagirl
