Being a poly male is hard

[polynHR]

Hi,

Like everyone else here, I have read a few posts and replied. Now it's my turn to ask for advice.

My wife and I have been learning and living the poly lifestyle for about a year. This year she has met several potential partners. However, I have met none. Why is it difficult to meet potential partners as a male?

I've tried several avenues, however, I haven't had any luck. Yes, I've chatted with several women. However, that's where it ends. I even attended a few parties in hopes of finding a potential partner. Living in Colorado, it seems there are not a whole lot of poly women out there. So I'm left feeling hopeless, confused, and rejected.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's true, women do get hit on more than men. Men are just more aggressive.

But there's a flip side. I've been separated and dating for 2 years. In that time, I met and partnered with a lovely woman (I'm also a woman). She's great, but we are both bi and poly and looking for others to add to our lives.

I've dated about two dozen men, and only two of them have worked out long term (about 19 mos for both, and counting). There is a degree of commitment there, but both relationships are somewhat long distance and we see each other less frequently than I'd like.

Of all the other men, I've had my heart knicked over and over again. Most of them have been commitment-phobes, cheaters, users, players pretending to be poly, outright liars, depressed, arrogant, self-unaware, or just plain boring. The so-called Doms were sexually repressed dom-asses and the subs had such low self esteem it was a turn-off.

And I've tried to be very picky and screen each one as carefully as I could online before meeting in person! Now, I see I've got to have even higher standards. So, you see why women are shy about dating. Men can be such pigs.

 

[Somegeezer]

I think it is definitely just a case of the majority of men making the rest of us look bad. It's unfortunate, but we can't really help that. Eventually you will find others. Just don't give up on it.

 

[Danny40179]

Men can be such pigs.

*le sigh* So true, but as Somegeezer said it's the majority of men that make the decent ones look bad.

PolyinHR, in my experience I've found that there aren't too many women out there that are interested in poly. Mostly because of what Magdlyn said in her post. A lot of guys who say they are poly are only saying that as a means to cheat or pull some other stunt. When you have those kinds of men in our world, it's going to completely turn people away from this lifestyle.

It may take some time, but you'll eventually find someone. Just think about how awesome it's going to be when you finally do.

Good luck!

 

[IndieSolo]

Breathe and let it happen the way it does

Perhaps your focus should be more on the dynamics of your relationship with your wife when one of you meets someone, and let that slowly sink in and see how adding a person to the mix effects you both. Just because you two chose to learn about and embrace polyamory doesn't mean you each now must find a lover or potential additional partner at the same time! Life doesn't necessarily happen that way. It's not likely to happen without some kind of attempt to force the issue, but if you did both start seeing additional people at the same time, it would be a HUGE change to your current relationship. I think it could be a very good thing that finding someone happens slowly, whoever it happens with first. Why not let it happen when it happens? And if it starts out with just your wife finding another partner, then take the time to absorb the new dynamic. It will affect you.

Don't let yourself become frantic about trying to keep up and have the same things at the same time. It will never be the same anyway. You are two different people just starting to allow a new way of living. It is more likely that if you relax about it, and not worry about competing to get there, you will be more attractive to someone new, anyway.

 

[redpepper]

I've had a similar experience to Magdlyn.

I spent a good two years searching for a man that was as decent as my husband. Mono was a rarity. A HUGE RARITY!

I dated upwards of 50 men in a couple of years, some of whom I shared WAY too much with, for what they were worth, and that is my one regret. I needed to be loved, cherished, appreciated, treated with respect and instead I was used. I gave them a piece of me that they did not deserve. and it pains me that women do this more often than not. I respected them and was willing to cherish and love them.... it disgusts me now to think of it.

It was Mono who changed me. He pointed out that my body is a temple and should be honoured and respected, that I should be honoured and respected. He has set the bar so high that I doubt there are as many men with as much quality as he. In return, he has made what I give quality also. It has been a real gift, one of the biggest of my life.

It's really quite simple. Be respectful, don't be selfish and really pay attention with your whole heart. I don't know why more people don't get it. To me, having really thought about what I expect and what I can give, I find that I just really don't have time or tolerance for most people, because I expect a certain level of quality in our interaction. I hope that doesn't leave me lonely one day, because it's very hard to find.

Really, I think men have been treated badly, so then treat others badly, and quality is lost. Women expect that men are going to give them a half-ass amount of attention and love, and they give a half-ass amount back because of that expectation. No one wins...

There seems to be a real lack of investment and vulnerability that people give, because they are fearful. And they have every reason to be. With some dating sites, daters and the attitude that cheating and casual/non-invested sex is the best option, the quick fix, the temporary high, there is little reason to pay attention. I say this after plenty of discussion about how casual sex can be fun and nurturing, just so you know that I know the difference. It's almost become better to be numb, apathetic and lazy when it comes to interactions with others. Either that, or just don't have interactions.

Sad, very sad.

 

[NeonKaos]

I don't see this as a man vs. woman issue at all. There are men with low self-esteem and there are women with low self-esteem. If people would make the effort to be honest with themselves, a lot of the superficial game-playing would fall by the wayside.

Sure there are different messages sent by way of mass-media and popular culture as to what society's "expectations" are for a given gender-role, but since those expectations are skewed against non-monogamous relationships for ANY individual of ANY orientation, I'm hard-pressed to draw the conclusion that it's easier or more difficult for men or women to find suitable partners in a polyamorous context.

The grass is always greener over someone else's septic tank.

 

[polychronopolous]

I have always found that a good way to meet people is not to try. Being motivated to make connections tends to make most people just too eager to come across naturally. Someone who is happy where they are and content just to be has a great chance of having people see then for who they are, which tends to make one far more attractive to anyone who is open. Meh, that sounds more like dating advice, which is probably not what you were going for. I'll shush now.

 

[Somegeezer]

I have always found that a good way to meet people is not to try. Being motivated to make connections tends to make most people just too eager to come across naturally. Someone who is happy where they are and content just to be has a great chance of having people see then for who they are which tends to make one far more attractive to anyone who is open. That sounds like dating advice, which is probably not what you were going for.

+1 I make friendship my top goal. Anything more is a bonus.

 

[redpepper]

I make friendship my top goal. Anything more is a bonus.

I look at this differently, but get what you mean. I don't see it as a bonus, I never liked the term "friends with benefits" because that indicates that sex is a bonus and that other friends are less in some way. I prefer "intimate friends." To me, this indicates the nature of the friendship rather than the quality, as if sex denotes the quality.

I have an 87 year-old female friend, who is a greater and more dedicated friend of mine than a certain guy that I "play" with occasionally. See what I mean?

I think part of the problem with our culture is the pedestal we put sex on. It sends the wrong message about a person's worth, especially women's. Somehow women have it in their heads, more often than not, it seems, that their worth as partners, and now even as friends (!) is based on the sex they put out, that their worth as a "bonus" is based on sexuality, not on how good they are as friends.

 

[polynHR]

Perhaps your focus should be more on the dynamics of your relationship with your wife when one of you meets someone, and let that slowly sink in and see how adding a person to the mix effects you both.

NYCindie, two months after starting this, she met her other partner. That relationship is going strong. We have let the dynamics of that relationship sink in. It's not that I'm trying to rush into something, or trying to do her one better. It's actually her pushing me to find a partner of my own. This is because, as she says, she wants me to experiencing the joy of another partner. So my journey of finding another partner started roughly four months ago.

I think it is definitely just a case of the majority of men making the rest of us look bad. It's unfortunate, but we can't really help that. Eventually you will find others. Just don't give up on it.

Somegeezer, I totally agree with that. This is the response I get from most women, that I'm cheating or doing something bad, unlike my wife, where she basically had guys eating out of her hand. Prior to her finding the one bf, there were plenty of jerks in the front of the line. So there were many nights where I found myself apologize other men's behaviors.

Redpepper, I can agree with this, as well. It seems that all everyone wants is just casual sex. Well, I'm different. I want more than just sex. Actually, I would be happy if we didn't have sex for 6 months. That way a relationship would be able to mature and blossom. So many times, have I read about how a couple broke up and how hard it was. If people give a relationship time to mature before sex, then I believe there would be a lot fewer heartaches and more long-lasting loves. Yes, yes, very sad, indeed.

I have always found that a good way to meet people is not to try. Being motivated to make connections tends to make most people JUST too eager to come across naturally. Someone who is happy where they are and content just to BE has a great chance of having people see then for who they are which tends to make one far more attractive to anyone who is open. Meh, that sounds more like dating advice which is probably not what you were going for.

Polychronopolus, I am always myself. I never try to rush into anything. I do believe that maybe I am too content with what I already have. You know, it's funny-- I was just telling my wife that maybe this comes down to not dating in a long time. I feel I've been out of the game too long, so I find myself thinking about how it was when I was much younger. Hey, if you've got any dating advice for an old fellow, then send it my way. It's much appreciated.

I'm hard-pressed to draw the conclusion that it's easier or more difficult for men or women to find suitable partners in a polyamorous context.

Neon, due to the fact that there are more guys who claim to be "poly" than females who are poly, I believe that is what makes it easier for the gals instead of the guys. Couple that with the fact that many men claim to be poly only to have casual sex with women, it really makes it hard for us men who are truly poly, or are investing the effort and time to seek out a meaningful relationship. I only base my opinions off of my own experiences. I try not to look in anyone's yard. One last contributing factor is that Denver doesn't have as large a poly community as other states. So I believe all this plays a part in men's search for poly women.

I also wish us males that were true poly could somehow show these women that there are some of us who are thoughtful, caring and loving.

 

[IndieSolo]

NYCindie, two months after starting this, she met her other partner. That relationship is going strong. We have let the dynamics of that relationship sink in. It's not that I'm trying to rush into something or trying to do one better. It's actually her pushing me to find a partner of my own, because she wants me to experience the joy of another partner. My journey of finding another partner started roughly four months ago.

Oh, sorry, I misunderstood! When you wrote that she had met a few potential partners, it sounded to me as if you two were still testing the waters, and nothing had happened for either one of you yet.

My wife and I have been learning and living the poly lifestyle for about a year. In this year she has met several potential partners, however, I have met none.

 

[Somegeezer]

I look at this differently, but get what you mean. I don't see it as a bonus. I never liked the term "friends with benefits" because that indicates that sex is a bonus and that other friends are less in some way. I prefer "intimate friends." To me, this indicates the nature of the friendship rather than the quality... as if sex denotes the quality.

My friend that is an 87 year old woman is greater and more dedicated than the guy friend I play with. See what I mean?

I think part of the problem with our culture is the pedestal we put sex on. It sends the wrong message about a persons worth, especially women...

I didn't mean sex. I just meant make friendship your goal, and if you become close, then brilliant. If you find an intimate relationship in that, even better. Just don't expect to have them be your closest friend, because you'll most likely make mistakes that will actually push them the opposite direction.

 

[NeonKaos]

Due to the fact that there are more guys who claim to be poly than females who are poly. I believe that is what makes it easier for the gals instead of the guys. Then couple with the fact that the ones that claim to be poly only to have casual sex with a woman.

Stop and listen to what you just wrote and consider how that actually makes it HARDER, not EASIER, for poly women to find partners. Especially poly women who are ALREADY partnered. I came out as poly to 2 or 3 close male friends and they got all "Oh good, when can I have sex with you?"


So yes, it is easier for poly women to find someone TO GET LAID WITH, as you say in the part that I underlined above. But it is equally difficult for poly women to find GOOD PARTNERS precisely BECAUSE poly is perceived as "promiscuous". It is the exact same thing as poly men go through, but from the other side of the looking glass.

I also wish us males that are true poly could some how show these women that their are some of us who are thoughtful, caring and loving.

"There" not "their".

So go do it then. Why "wish" for it. I think most of the men on this forum set a pretty good example. Ariakas, Imaginary Illusion, Catfish, to name just a few.

 

[Ariakas]

Monogamous men have a harder time getting laid.
Monogamous women can get laid by batting their eyes.

Poly men have a hard time getting laid.
Poly women can get laid by batting their eyes.

Monogamous men have a hard time finding honest to goodness loving relationships.
Monogamous women have a hard time finding honest to goodness loving relationships.

Poly men have a hard time finding honest to goodness loving relationships.
Poly women have a hard time finding honest to goodness loving relationships.

This isn't a poly/mono thing. This is just a fact of life.

If your end goal is a loving relationship, than neither have any advantage. These things don't fall from the sky for anyone.

 

[Ariakas]

I also wish us males that are true poly could somehow show these women that there are some of us who are thoughtful, caring and loving.

Meh, this is a toss-up. How to, etc. I don't treat being poly any different than being single. I interact, socialize and get to know women. As I meet them, I am either interested or not. They are either interested or not. I surround myself on forums and in public with poly women. In the end, the best way to find a women who is interested is... drum roll... be yourself. People can detect any fakeness or game, especially if a man is trying to get into a relationship with them (for sex or a relationship).

What is "true poly," anyway? We all have different opinions on exactly what it means to us.

 

[Somegeezer]

Meh, this is a toss-up. How to. etc. I don't treat being poly any different than being single. I interact, socialize and get to know women. As I meet them I am either interested or not. They are either interested or not. I surround myself on forums and in public with poly women. In the end, the best way to find a women who is interested is....drum roll....be yourself. People can detect any fakeness or game, especially if a man is trying to get into a relationship with them (for sex or a relationship)

What is "true poly"?

+1 Be yourself. I find it so much easier to be myself, too. I don't understand how people can try be someone else to try get what they want, and then complain when they get caught out. Just be the person you really are. Life becomes that little bit easier.

 

[Magdlyn]

Since I've been dating, I have mostly been with younger single men. The three married men that I dated who were in open, non-mono, or poly marriages did not work out, because they did not have complete open communication with their wives.

For the past several weeks, I've been PMing with a man who is married, and IDs as non-mono. I took the bull by the horns today and told him I'd like to meet with his wife before he and I got too far into things. He responded by saying I was free to write to her on OKCupid. (They live about 50 miles away, so we haven't planned to meet til after Solstice.) He said she'd be happy to share her views on sex, love and marriage with me. This makes me feel pretty good!

He "shows" me he's one of the good guys by taking the time to write long thoughtful PMs about various subjects. A little flirting to keep things a bit spicy (because one doesn't want to feel like one is just talking to one's brother), but no overt sexual come-ons. I also told him I am not into sport sex with no emotions involved, and he responded that feelings of affection at least are also necessary for him to want to have sex. He said he wouldn't be able to give me 100% of himself 24/7 (besides a wife, he has 8 yr old twins), but when he's with someone, he gives 100%. I think that sounds like a pretty good deal; it's how I roll too.

But gosh, I feel so very cautious now...

 

[Vinccenzo]

The really sad aspect is that men seem to have better luck finding women when they pretend to be catting on the sly. I can't for the life of me figure out why that is.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Getting laid is as easy as logging on to POF and searching "intimate encounters," keywords, open and discreet. Finding a loving relationship is much harder for both sexes.

The hardest thing of all, IMO, is patience.