Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

GG had no children of his own. He's beloved by all of ours. Our story can be found in my posts, if you want to research it, or you can use the link to my blog that is in my signature.

He's been "Nuncle GG" to my 19-year old since she was almost 2.
He's been "Uncle GG" to my 14-year old stepson since he was 2 (when I married his dad).
He's been "Uncle GG" to my 10-year old son since he was born.
He's the bio-father of my 3-year old and she calls him "MY GG." (She calls my husband Daddy, but all of the kids and the whole family know the whole story and she will. We tell her now but she doesn't get it yet.)

He's an AWESOME uncle, a beloved "third parent" and a wonderful part of our family.

It just depends on the person, I suppose.
 
Oh boy...

Have you considered what happens when a monogamous couple says, "We aren't committed enough, so we will have a baby to fix that"? I have never heard of this ending well. If you can't reinforce your relationship bonds without having kids, then your relationship can't be fixed, bubba. Kids put an all new stress on relationships that require strong bonds to begin with.

I've read a lot, a lot, a lot of relationship self-help books. Not ONE said, "Have a baby!" Mostly, they recommended to spend time together and talk.
 
jcatx said:
I am married and have a two year old. Live with my husband. The boyfriend is a couple hours away. Any poly people here who have kids? How does this work out for you? I suppose when i initially found my husband friend attractive it was also considering the things that are missing from his life and in a way if he wanted, (and I very much wanted him) to know the joy of being with children. He has never been married and has no children. Or do you see this as being a potential problem, since he is unaware of the demands of children nd has such a different lifestyle?
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http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2989&highlight=merged+unmerged

I had a thread once that went into some detail of what you are asking. Hope it helps and is interesting. :)
 
Just going to emphasize some good points made earlier:

1. Children are human beings, not pawns. Using them as such is selfish and irresponsible.

2. Babies strain relationships. They never bring a couple closer together unless the couple has full-time nannies, allowing them to parent by proxy.

If you want to strengthen your bond, plan activities together, have intimate conversations, plan the future.

Heck, if you want to go this route, why not have a big foursome whenever the women are ovulating, kind of like Russian-roulette pregnancy? Then the kids can just grow up never knowing who their biological father is, but all the four parents can raise all the kids as their own.

Oh right, because that's a really stupid idea.
 
From previous posts, obviously not CF! However, respect that other people may want to be focused on career achievement, travel, just plain not have to be financially responsible for anyone but their individual self! In some ways, even though I adore my son, even apart from the bipolar, it was a bit like a bomb blast. Suddenly my time was sooo not my own, and it was clear on going back to my job that that particular job was going to be impossible if I wanted to do what I felt was an adequate parenting job. Even so, I know I will never have the time to just pick up a new topic professionally and read up on all the latest until kiddo is much older and more independent. (And even so, given how tough it was for me to be an only child, I seriously think he would benefit from one or two sibs, although age, meds and fertility issues may make us parents of a singleton in the end.)
 
i was an only child and i didn't think it was "tough" at all. Something to think about. Just because you thought it was "tough" doesn't mean it will be that way for your son.
 
NeonKaos said:
I was an only child and I didn't think it was "tough" at all. Something to think about. Just because you thought it was "tough" doesn't mean it will be that way for your son.
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Ditto. I was an only child and am a well-adjusted adult. There is really a myth built around only children that I find annoying and judgmental, but that's a whole other rant.
 
I have lots of only-child friends who had a happy childhood, and I had siblings and really wish I hadn't. I think if you have children, you shouldn't do it to keep your first child company. What happens if they hate each other? Being blood related doesn't make you more likely to get along than any other people forced to live together for years; sometimes you're the best friends ever, sometimes you can't stand each other. So I think that should be left out of the equation, as it depends too much on the children's personalities, and that's impossible to guess.
 
Athena said:
Given how tough it was for me to be an only child, I seriously think he would benefit from one or two sibs, although age, meds and fertility issues may make us parents of a singleton in the end.
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Once kids start school, or you watch them with a group of other kids, it isn't hard to tell which ones don't have any siblings (even if they have been in daycare). I think once they are adults, things tend to even out. It really doesn't matter, as long as the parents are invested, which may mean regular play dates and living in a neighborhood with other young children.
 
Why have children?

I've read through the child-free thread, and decided to start one for those of us who want to have kids. I don't have any kids at the moment, but I plan on one or two at some point in the future (fingers crossed, after graduate school).

Why I want to have children: I think one of the primary reasons goes back to how I think about changing the world. I firmly believe that the primary way to make the world a better place is by one's own day-to-day actions, making good choices and treating others well. To me, having and raising a child is one way to make a significant contribution to the world by influencing someone else to keep making it a better place after I'm gone. It also gives me a chance to make that child's world a better place. Sure, I know I'll make mistakes. From what I've seen, it's impossible to have a child and not make mistakes. And there are definitely other, very significant, ways to make the world a better place while never having a child. This is simply one that feels very personal and productive to me.

I also think I will really value the experience of bonding to my child and watching them grow into their own person, someone related to and yet, in other ways, completely different from me. I have a lot of younger siblings, and I've really enjoyed that experience, from a sibling perspective, as well.

Finally, I do think there's some biological urge/social programming in there. Doesn't mean it's wrong, or bad, just that it exists.

What are your reasons for wanting or having children? If you already have kids, what do you feel has been most significant to you about that choice and that journey? :)
 
This will be an interesting topic. :D

I have three children. My eldest will graduate high school next year. The youngest is still in primary.

I did not plan to have any kids, except for the middle one. The other two were definitely unplanned.

Despite everything my children have been put through, everything they have had to contend with, I can see my own influence still working on them. I see it in the way they think for themselves. I see it in the way they will, in the middle of their own funk, surprise someone they care about by doing a gesture of love for them, making others smile when they are down.

I see it how they question their own beliefs, and the beliefs of others, and do so mostly respectfully. (They are still kids. :p) I see it in how they are respectful of other's opinions and thoughts, and in how they are healing each other from the hurt they have been through, despite that a couple of years ago they blamed each other.

I see it in how they learn from the mistakes I have made throughout their lives, and choose for themselves to do better, to be different. I am so proud of my children. They make MY world better. Hopefully they make everyone else's better too.

They still fight and squabble, and can be selfish and miserable to each other. But when I step back, they are building a beautiful thing together, and I know that my strength and determination for them to have that is what is giving them the push to do it.

As much as I feel shame and guilt for the hardships they suffered, I am so very proud of helping them start to heal, helping them build their strength back, and so very proud to stand back and say, "These are my children, beautiful through and through, incredible people. They give me strength and courage, just as I give them a springboard to explore the world from, and a safe place to rest." :D

Hopefully that rambling answered the question somewhat. It was very hard to answer, as my answer is a feeling, a knowing within myself that it is good and right. It just IS.
 
I got so wrapped up in why I want to have kids that I forgot to ask: How does it relate to your choice to be poly? How does it enrich or make more difficult your poly life?

For me, the choices are related. Part of why I choose to be polyamorous is because I'm coming to believe that the more love and bonding there is to share, the better the world is and the better my life is, and monogamy isn't a restriction that I would want to come in the way of that. I can see how poly may very well become more difficult with children. My extended family would by no means approve of poly, if they knew, and I'd like my children to know their grandparents, so... I'll have to take things as they come, but I do think that part will be more difficult. On the other hand, I can imagine that childrearing will be enriched with more caring adults around.
 
I am unsure how my children would react (if I ever got something happening :p). My eldest would likely not take it well, my youngest would probably think it awesome, confusing but awesome (more presents, you see... no seriously, more attention :p), and the middle would likely be confused but accepting. She has her own things she is sorting through in regards to her sexuality so maybe it would go over her head...

I am quite stubborn and would expect my relatives (immediate family) to be understanding or to hold their tongues. That's just how my family works. Not always a good thing, but it works, mostly.

I would see it as an opportunity to give my children the experience that it's okay to be different, that they can choose the way they want to live and they will still be accepted by their family. It's easy to say its okay. It's another thing to immerse yourself in it and experience it. There is no better teacher than experience. :D

LOL Yet another rambling response. Sorry about that. I had never really thought specifically about what value the children would receive from it, other than extra adult(s) and support.

It might make custody issues more difficult.
 
Great topic. Great reasons to have children. :)


I am a mother of 4. I also love children. I love raising them, and watching them develop, and seeing their interactions and their views of the world. I love debate and discussion and offering them a soft place to fall.

I love the crap moments too. Children have taught me as much as I have taught them.

Poly can have benefits and restrictions. I just said on another thread I don`t care to "come out" to anyone, or throw my poly in my family's face. I have made the decision to be fairly private, but not live like I am committing some shameful act.

I would like my trusted poly partners to be around my children, as I think the old adage about it taking a village to raise a child is true. We don't live in a world anymore where you can trust your neighbour down the street to call you and tell you if your child is in trouble.

Poly can fill that void, in a roundabout way.

On the other hand, I don't care to have my children's childhood be centred around my poly lifestyle, via their interactions and overhearing of family members. If shit ever did hit the fan, I would deal. I think it's my job to show my children that what I am, and do is private, but NOT shameful.

With children come sacrifices and choices, many of which we are more then happy to make and do.
 
Having children was always a given for me, although if things had gone as planned, I'd have a 1-year old now instead of a 9-year old. lol Through some miscommunication between my different doctors' offices, I was put on a combination of medications that negated my birth control. Having more children has been off the table for a few years now. Early on, our son's health problems and subsequent surgeries put having a second child on hold, then we just plain couldn't support another child, and now I don't think my joints could handle the strain.

As for how poly affects our son (and our partners' son), it doesn't much, because they don't know that their parents are anything more than best friends. I'd say that their son has had a bigger adjustment, but that's just because his mom is starting to be a bit more social outside their immediate family, and that means that she's leaving him home more often. In fact, last weekend was the first time he's ever been left home w/o adult supervision (he's a teenager), so our quad could go to see Tron: Legacy.
 
Wanting kids is a new thing for me. I had been indifferent to rug rats until a few years ago. I have since "wanted" kids, but had no real inclination to put in the work.

Meeting Sourgirl's children, seeing how she parents, and how the children "are," inspired me in a lot of ways, really pushed me to be more conscious of wanting kids.

At this stage, my wife and I are looking at the steps to make it possible. With the medications she is on, it's a big job to get this going. But I/we are finally motivated to make it a reality.

As for having kids and being out, I'm not sure. I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it.
 
I have four, plus my godson. All of the kids know we're poly. I don't think any of them care, but there isn't a lot of drama about it either.

I've always been a "take me as I am, or go away" kind of person. We don't throw poly in people's faces. For example, I have a friend who's a deacon in the Episcopal Church. Sexual behavior to her is meant to be in the bedroom between husband and wife. She knows I don't feel that way, but I don't go about doing things that make her uncomfortable, and she doesn't impose her rules on me either, so if I want a sexually-charged kiss goodbye from GG while she's here, I take it to the front entry. Not in her face, not missing out either.

At the same time, we don't hide it from the kids. It would be a nightmare to try to. Our oldest has always known I was poly, even before we knew the word. The younger ones we explained things to last September when I "came out" and decided to put everything on the front burner.

I couldn't live poly and keep it a secret from my kids. To me, it would be a contradiction of what I believe. If it's that important to me, then who's to say it won't be to them? They deserve to know it's ok to be whoever they are, poly, mono, straight, gay, bi, etc.
 
Little buddy (LB) is an absolute joy. He is the one I want to hang out with when my life is hard and I need solace. I went and sat with him tonight as he did some craft project that I didn't understand. I cut something when he asked, held things that were gluing and he fed my soul and made me realize that when life sucks, its important to remember it's as simple as doing a craft that is tough to do without adult help. He reminds me every day of the simple joy of life. Money can't buy that, extra time can't buy that, grown ups don't do that like a child does. To me LB is the spirit of life in our house.

Children are a little piece of heaven and a little piece of hell. Anyone who can parent well deserves a medal for having to deal with that huge continuum between the two. It really is a lifetime achievement. It's taking life by the horns and living it. It's a right of passage for some that defines the stage of life they are in. To me, it has become the glue of my entire childless family. (My boy is it.) Especially at this time of year!

I really don't think people need to parent kids. I just think that they should include them in their lives and do their best to be there for kids. It really does create a healthy balance.
 
redpepper said:
Little buddy (LB) is an absolute joy. He is the one I want to hang out with when my life is hard and I need solace.
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I'm right there with you. Sweet Pea is my Little Buddy, and when my world falls apart, he's the one I want to hang out with. When I daydream about "getting away," I daydream about taking him to Australia and checking out the interesting things he would find to show me. He's so relaxed, so calm, so patient, so understanding and naturally considerate and loving.

Gotta love those kiddos!
 
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