Children and Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

Thanks for your assurance, LovingRadiance :)

I am also quite confident that we are able to go on being honest to ourselves, each other and the children. So, although they will notice their family is different, they won't be bothered about the situation. In fact, I grew up in a similar, poly-like family situation and I can't say it did me any harm, nor did I ever feel ashamed about it. Quite the opposite: the way my parents handle their relationship and their relationships with others (lovers and friends) always impressed me, and I must say I am really proud I grew up in such a cool family. I have some hope that our children think the same one day (even if they might not admit it to us ;) ).
 
Children

Polyamory suits me fine. I like it. I like the ideals, the way it works and how happy I can be in this type of relationship.

One thing I can't settle with is children growing up in polyamorous households. I have a daughter, five years old, who is used to being in a single-parent family.

I have a partner who, although he is unable to visit frequently, she has grown very attached to in a more parental way. He is in another relationship (no kids involved), and is very happy.

My daughter is aware and understanding of the two partners I have had over recent months, and sees them as 'Mummy's boyfriends.' I don't really know how best to handle polyamory where HER relationships with my partners are concerned, so any previous experiences of your own would really help me to understand.

Thanks,
celest
 
Having children with the secondary

I would like to hear about this topic from experienced triads and groups. What are the pros and cons? We have discussed it and she does want to have children with me. Now what? I just need to hear opinions. If you need more facts, please ask.
 
When I started my "secondary" relationship with my boyfriend, I got pregnant by my husband a few months later. For me, it was clear from the beginning that my boyfriend would be another important person in my son´s life, so I asked him to be his godfather.

My son is one-year old now, and we have all benefited a lot from the situation. My boyfriend helps us a lot when he´s around, and enjoys being with the child.

So I think, if there are healthy relationships, there is a great chance to make a child´s world even richer, with more people caring for him or her in different ways, and, by the way, learning to be tolerant about the different kinds of people.

The only thing I ask myself is: How do they explain it at school/kindergarten? Do you have experiences with situations like, your daughter mentions "Mummy´s boyfriends," and you get some reactions to it?

Best wishes,
Anne
 
Hey there. Thanks for sharing your experience.

At the moment, I'm only in one relationship. My partner (who is in two relationships) has become quite close with my daughter. I think I have an issue with 'traditional' family, in particular. My daughter was brought up by me and her father (a monogamous relationship) until we split, so she's starting to see my boyfriend now as more of a fatherly figure to herself.

What worries me is beginning another relationship and her not 'knowing,' or feeling she should 'choose' who to relate to in that way. I still feel she needs a secure family unit and won't know how, when I do have another partner.

When it comes to school and stuff, well, they already have lots of questions about my lifestyle! So I don't tend to worry too much about that. I just giggle at them instead. :p
 
There are several posts where we have talked about this and other issues relating to kids. Have you done a search and had a look around? I think that they might be helpful to you.

My story with Mono is an example. My boy is 7 and Mono came into our lives when he was 5. We have developed into a family of three adults and one child, and my husband Nerdist and I have other loves, as well, who have come and gone over that time. None of them have been seen by my boy as pivotal as Mono. They have been seen as family friends, and that is worked out fine. Mind you, we are sure to not show affection around him in order to be respectful of that image in his mind.
 
redpepper said:
I'm not sure I understand what you are asking.
Click to expand...

I think the poster is a guy. His current primary does not want kids. He does. That's where I get fuzzy. Is he bringing in a secondary as a surrogate lover/birthing machine? Or does he have a secondary that wants kids with him? And how to approach the primary... Of course, I could be completely wrong.
 
While the surrogate mother/baby machine at first sounds horrible, it got me thinking... I mean, there are some women out there who really want babies, but don't want to be single parents. Wouldn't it be so much easier for those women to just be swooped up by a couple who can't have kids? You get to focus on your kids, but still have a boyfriend and a best friend and live with both of them, plus free babysitting? Just thinking out loud, being half facetious.
 
I find it amusing how often we remind people to use the search feature. Great feature, by the way.

I have 4 kids. I'm also raising my godson. They are 18 1/2, 14, 13, 10, and 3, respectively. I've been in a poly family dynamic of one sort or another since the oldest was born, though we never knew that term. My husband and I have been OFFICIALLY poly with my boyfriend since last September.

The oldest is my child, the 14-year old is my husband's, the 13-year old is my godson, the 10-year old is my husband and mine, the youngest child is biologically the child of my boyfriend and me. All of the kids know all of these details. Besides the godson, who calls all of us adults by name, all of the kids call me "Mom," they all call Maca "Dad," they call GG by his given name, and they call Em "Auntie" or "Mimi."

They are all well aware of what polyamory is (except the youngest, who, of course, couldn't care less at this point). They are all happy, well-adjusted and very closely bonded with all four of us. They are secure and stable and SANE. They are well behaved, responsible and well liked in the community. All in all, these kids are "favorites" at friends' homes, because the parents are so impressed by how well adjusted and well behaved they are. They are favorites in extracurricular activities because the activity leaders know that they can ALWAYS count on adult support!

Our friends and their kids are also close with our family. Most of them are NOT poly families, but they accept our family AS IS, and they all love to come over.

All in all, it's about how you deal with the kids. If it's "normal" for you, it's "normal" for them. If you treat it like there is something wrong with it, then they will too.
 
WOW. I read it so differently.

Our situation: I had a baby, the bio child of my "secondary." The three of us are raising her together. She calls Maca (my primary) "Daddy," but everyone in the family knows her genetics and it's not going to be a secret from her, either. She's only 2, so she doesn't understand those details yet, but we don't lie, hide or pretend. She's happy, we're happy...

It really depends on the details of the people involved how you handle it.
 
In addition to all the poly people here who have kids and are doing an awesome job raising them in openly poly households, we also have a few members who were themselves raised in poly households who seem to be perfectly well-adjusted adults.

While I can't offer any personal experience, I can say with certainty that raising children in openly poly households does much more good than hiding it from them. Assuming you're practicing good communication and honesty, those skills and values will inevitably be passed on to your children, and nothing but good can come from that. And, of course, there's the fact that children thrive in loving situations, and the more love they have, the more they thrive. I also believe that children are much more resilient to change than grown-ups are, and we don't give them enough credit. The key is to explain what's going on and let them be heard, rather than making them into passive, powerless observers.
 
Married to my high school sweetheart for 16 yrs. 4 children. We have a girlfriend of 6+ yrs. What do you think about us planning more kids with our girlfriend?
 
BlackRoses said:
Married to my high school sweetheart for 16 yrs. 4 children. We have a girlfriend of 6+ yrs. What do you think about us planning more kids with our girlfriend?
Click to expand...

Well, you say you have 4 children already, so HOPEFULLY you understand what that means! Having children is not like buying new hedge trimmers. It's a long-term financial and emotional commitment, and you, as the biological father, are responsible for that. PERMANENTLY.

{{put thinking cap on here}}}}

GS
 
Black Roses--

1. Is it going to put a financial strain on your family?
2. Are you ALL committed to a lifetime together, NO MATTER WHAT?
3. Do you all want more kids?
4. Will it negatively impact anyone's ability to retire when they planned (something we had to consider, as it does impact Maca's).
5. Are you "out" to the kids? This will be IMPORTANT for their mental health if you take this step, IMHO.

That's my thought for the day. :) For us, it's been a BEAUTIFUL thing.
 
Until recently, my being poly hasn't really been an issue, as I didn't have anyone to introduce the kids in any way.

Breathes has had outside love interests, whom the kids have met as friends, and they have accepted that explanation at face value.

We met when my guys were nine years old, so they haven't always had the poly lifestyle in their lives. They've become LESS uptight about having friends over, and about meeting our friends, the more comfortable they got and the more mature they became.

Possibility is shy about showing affection in front of my kids, but I think that's more so they won't go back to their dad with stories that could hurt me, than being afraid to show affection.

I guess I'm trying to say that if you give them age-appropriate information when they ask, and give them the tools to deal with this information, only good can come of it.
 
BlackRoses, I honestly don't think it matters what we think. :) We're not the ones who will have to raise them. What do YOU think about having other kids with your secondary?

In terms of it being with the secondary and not primary, I think this is the exact place where those kinds of labels stop being useful. You've been with her for 6 years, you both presumably love her (going by the usage "we've been with her," not "I've been with her"), she's probably a part of your family, and you're now considering making babies together and raising your family together. At what point does she get to become an equal partner in your family? Or will she never be allowed that privilege, simply because she hasn't put in as much time as your wife?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top