The Many Types of Polyamory

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Nakedone

New member
This is my first visit to this site, but it is not my first time to experience what is discussed here. I have had a number of experiences which could be called polyamorous, even though they were very different.

I am very aware that there are many different kinds of polyamory, and that nearly everyone will have a different definition, so I will give mine and attempt to help others organize their thinking on this very "outrageous" topic.

One thing that seems to be basic to all definitions is that there are at least three people involved in a sexual relationship of some kind. But, beyond that, the varieties are many!

From my own experience, the most usual polyamory relationship involves two men and one woman. In most cases (but not all) one of the men will be the husband of the one woman involved.

I, personally, have been involved in MFM sexual situations in which the woman was my wife; in others where the woman was the other man's wife; and in still others where neither was married to the woman. Of all those relationships, my estimate is that 60% of them were those involving my wife, me and one other man. Another 30% would have involved a woman, another man, and me, and neither of us was married to her. The other 10% would have involved me with a married couple.

I would like to discuss the many different kinds of polyamory, either through private messages, or on this open forum. I want to read about the experiences of others, and am willing to share my own. Perhaps we can learn from each other in this way.

My question to any who read this is: "How do YOU define polyamory, and what kinds of three-person sexual relationships have you enjoyed most?"
 
Hi, and welcome.

I totally disagree with you. Polyamorous relationships do not have to be sexual. Wikipedia has a good definition-- it is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Intimacy and sexuality are two different things. My partner and his SO love each other. They are intimate but not sexual, as yet, and their relationship has been going on like this for years. It may become sexual in the future, but the fact that it is not does not lessen any of the issues: they speak together about love; they kiss; they get naked together; she gives him naked massages; he fondles her breasts; and he wants her to live with us.

I don't think MFM dynamics are the most common form of polyamory. You only have to read through the threads to see that. I don't think there is a "most common" form of polyamory. It's so varied.
 
sage, what you just described between your partner and his SO does indeed sound "sexual" to me. Just because there is no genital stimulation, penetration or orgasm does not mean it is not sexual. I am sure we all agree about that. You described kissing and fondling of breasts, and naked sensual massages, which are all a form of "sex".

A "non-sexual" romantic, "intimate" relationship would involve things like holding hands, exchanging terms of endearment, candle-light dinners, etc., but when it comes to rolling around naked, with or without orgasm/fluid bonding, the line between "sexual" and "non-sexual" has been crossed.
 
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To me, a relationship does NOT have to include sex of any sort. It needs to include some sort of connection. Whether that connection is intimate, mental, emotional, sexual, or any combination of those doesn't really matter. It must have at least one of those connections.

I have had connections in all of the above and thoroughly enjoyed each and every relationship for what it offered.

Most of my relationships are either not sexual at all, or rarely include sex, so for me relationships tend toward the intimate rather than the sexual aspect.

I have long thought that the whole of humankind is really polyamorous.

We have friends outside of our main relationships which fulfill us in totally different ways from each other and our main relationships.
 
@NeonKaos

That's interesting. Maybe I have to rethink their relationship. The line between intimacy and sexuality is very blurry. They don't "roll around," they cuddle. And the kisses aren't open-mouthed. She considers herself celibate and holds a boundary around their physical closeness.

I suppose I use this to mitigate the fall-out when I explain the situation to others. "They love each other, but it's non-sexual" is an easier way for me to accept their relationship and to come out. It's also easier for her to get her head around. I think she would still be very uncomfortable if it were put to her that her relationship with Z was sexual.
 
I think it's obvious that "rolling around naked" doesn't have to mean that they LITERALLY "roll" around. It is a euphemism for "cuddling" naked or "intimate nudity" (instead of non-sexual "recreational" nudity, such as skinny-dipping). I think it's less sugar-coated and perhaps more crude-sounding than "cuddling", but it basically means the same thing.

As far as I'm concerned, you don't OWE others an explanation that they can "handle" when it comes to whether they'll accept your poly lifestyle choices and how you express yourselves within them, so you don't have to "rethink their relationship" for other people's benefit.

Sorry about the excessive use of quotations; i'm not doing that to sound adversarial, i'm doing it to denote specific terminologies.
 
Hi, Nakedone. Welcome to the forum. Interesting that a new member is going to help us all organize our thinking on this "outrageous" topic. Really?

I'm trying not to be offensive here, but your post has really triggered me, in that it seems to assume that you possess superior knowledge and experience concerning polyamory. Perhaps that was not your intention.

Like sage, I also completely disagree with your "definition" of polyamory. I would encourage you to read through some of the other threads, especially the stickies in this "New to Poly" section and the "Golden Nuggets" section. In fact, here's a link to the glossary and definitions: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1720

This is old ground you're covering, and consensus has already been reached.
 
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Nakedone said:
I, personally, have been involved in MFM sexual situations in which the woman was my wife; in others where the woman was the other man's wife; and in still others where neither was married to the one woman.

How do YOU define polyamory, and what kinds of three-person sexual relationships have you enjoyed most?
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What you're describing here sounds like swinging to me, not polyamory. If it's just sex, it's not polyamory.

Poly - amory means many loves, so one who is polyamorous would have or is inclined to have more than one "love" partner. Sex may or may not be part of those partnerships.
 
Hi Nakedone,

Welcome!

Yeah, as others have alluded to, I suspect you have some catching up to do. It seems you've fallen for some of the many the mis-perceptions circulating in common society. I say jump right in and get an education!

Polyamory, as the term implies, is about a lot more than sexual activity, although that may be a part of it in the majority of cases (far from all). This is a common error many people make.

Keep reading and learning. It will start to click in, then it will make more sense.
 
Nakedone said:
This is my first visit to this site. But it is not my first time to experience what is discussed her. I have had a number of experiences which could be called "polyamory", even though they were very different.

I am very aware that there are many different "kinds" of polyamory, and that nearly everyone will have a different definition, so I will give mine and attempt to help others organize their thinking on this very "outrageous" topic.

One thing that seems to be basic to all defiinitions is that there are at least three people involved in a sexual relationship of some kind. But, beyond that, the varieties are many!

From my own experience, the most "usual" polyamory relationship involves two men and one woman. And, in most cases, one of the men will be the husband of the one woman involved. But, not always.

I, personally, have been involved in MFM sexual situations in which the woman was my wife; in others where the woman was the other man's wife; and in still others where neither was married to the one woman.

I would like to discuss the many different kinds of polyamory. I want to read about the experiences of others and am willing to share my own. Perhaps we can learn from each other in this way. How do YOU define polyamory, and what kinds of three-person sexual relationships have you enjoyed most?
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I was a little triggered also, actually. A lot of us have worked hard on here and in our lives to come to a respectful acceptance that we know little about any one else's poly but our own. Check out a "tag search" on "descriptive" and "prescriptive" to see the debate and discussions of the past and you will see what I mean.

I also think you should check out the media section for the court case that is going on in British Columbia, Canada, as it is an argument that includes this very topic, "What is the definition of poly?"

It seems my peers have gotten on you about all this, so I won't go on about it except to say that the main consensus seems to be that poly is not about sex specifically, but a healthy love for each other. It's a mindset that permeates one's entire life. It encompasses some basic principles for me that set a foundation for any solid relationship. I have written about this all on numerous threads over the last two years. If you read some threads in the stickies, and do tag searches ("rules," "foundations," for a start) on all of this, you'll see me state my opinions.
 
Nakedone said:
One thing that seems to be basic to all defiinitions is that there are at least three people involved in a sexual relationship of some kind. But, beyond that, the varieties are many!
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Sexual intimacy can be very important to how people love, but there are those who don't need it.

From my own experience, the most "usual" polyamory relationship involves two men and one woman. In most cases (not all), one of the men will be the husband of the woman.
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I honestly don't see any regular patterns. That is simply one of them.

How do YOU define polyamory, and what kinds of three-person sexual relationships have you enjoyed the most?
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Loving more than one. That's it. The relationship construct around it is defined by the individuals involved.

For three-person relationships, I dig FFM. My most enjoyable relationship model is my current one, a FMF V. It is far more satisfying than any threesome I have had.
 
flexible vs. ?

I'm just curious about the types. I often hear people refer to themselves as "flexible poly," meaning they are open to sexual relationships with others, but not emotional. So what is the definition for poly types who are open to both? Anyone know or have suggestions? Thanks.
 
Hmm... well, seeing as I am brand new to this, this is how I see it fitting us for OUR situation.

I'm not well. My hubby needs more than I can give. He has fallen for a lovely young lady, whom I absolutely adore, as well. It's only been a couple of weeks, but so far it's all good. It's not just about sex. It's about friendship, intimacy (in a non-sexual way-- lots of cuddles, touching, etc., not all leading to sex), and sharing.

That's how I see it, anyhow. :)
 
Totally. I'm just curious about the term.
 
Poison said:
I often hear people refer to themselves as "flexible poly," meaning they are open to sexual relationships with others, but not emotional. So what is the definition for poly types who are open to both?
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There is a wide variety of possibilities when it comes to consensual nonmonogamy. A wealth of valuable information is available through this forum. New members are encouraged to look through what's already here. Chances are good that your question has already been answered.

For instance, in this case, sexual involvement with partners other than one's spouse/primary without emotional or other deeper connection is understood within this community to be swinging, not polyamory. It is possible, however, to be open to both swing and poly. They are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

Again, a link to the glossary and definitions: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1720
 
Poison said:
I often hear people refer to themselves as "flexible poly," meaning they are open to sexual relationships with others, but not emotional. What is the definition for poly types who are open to both?
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Well, to me, that is polyfuckery or polysexual, not polyamory. One could also include swinging or open relationship in this.
 
redpepper said:
To me, that is polyfuckery or polysexual, not polyamory. One could also include swinging and open relationship.
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I don't necessarily read the above as polyfuckery.

What about a poly triad that is still open to swinging? The three love each other, but are still open to having sex with others?

When does polyamory stop being "loving more than one" and become open relationship?

What about that poor single poly person who is open to having casual sex to find love? Or someone who just likes casual sex while waiting for more people to love?

All of it is polyamory. Poly is just loving more than one. How people like to bang around that doesn't make it less poly.
 
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Polyfuckery to me, is a derogatory term, used for someone who is lying to others, or themselves, in order to obtain sexual pleasures as a primary. They are hiding behind the idea of 'many loves' when they have no intention, and/or ability, to love more then one.

You can be a swinger, open, or as my husband terms himself, poly-friendly, none of which are derogatory terms. Polysexual sounds like a good term, as well.

My husband has never actually been in love with two women at once. He is open to the concept, though. He is also open to other aspects of other alternative lifestyles.

He doesn't lie or hide behind a poly label. He just tells people he is poly-friendly.
 
Ariakas said:
I don't necessarily read the above as polyfuckery.

What about a poly triad that is still open to swinging? The three love each other, but are still open to having sex with others.
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Ariakas said:
When does polyamory stop being "loving more than one" and become an open relationship?

Or what about that poor single poly person who is open to having casual sex to find love? Or one who just likes casual sex while waiting for more people to love?

All of it is polyamory. Poly is just loving more than one. How people like to bang around that doesn't make it less poly.
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Poly just means more than. I read the question as more sex with more partners. Sure, poly can means whatever a person wants, but to me polyamory means more loving relationships. Anything outside of that is polyfuckery, polysexual, etc. And sure, a person can be all of these at the same time.
 
I completely agree with the idea of 'polyfuckery' being a derogatory term; even aesthetically I find it harsh. I like the fluidity of the concepts, and understand definitions may be a little different, depending on who you're talking to. I am still trying to figure out where the term "flexible poly" came from, and if there is a countering term like "rigid poly" (or something) that means the opposite.
 
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