KT's Blog

[sage]

Oh KT I'm so sorry to hear you're where you are, but I think you maybe have hit rock bottom and are finally trying to focus where you need to which is on yourself. You are right though you have so much work to do and the very first place I think you need to start is with a bit of self forgiveness. Where you find yourself is not all your fault. I honestly, truly 100% believe that and that's where I would start. You're human and you are loveable no matter what anyone says. God, even I couldn't help but take a peak at Z's emails the other day when I was using his ipad. We've talked about this a lot on the polymono board. The ins and outs of privacy are a very complex issue.

If you haven't already read it Feel the Fear by Susan Jeffers is another excellent book. She talks about moving yourself from pain to power and she is very big on blame being a totally useless emotion. I would go even further and say it is incredibly destructive. Every time your 'stinkin thinkin' kicks in (all this self-blame), replace it with acceptance and responsibility. Making peace with where you are is another really important first step.

Look for the opportunity in all of this and if you have an iphone download a free gratitude app. It's really hard to not feel better when you look at what you have in your life to be grateful for.

Apologies for writing like a self-help manual but I'm in the middle of ghost writing a book on being newly single. I better get back to it but I'll be keeping a very close eye here.

Very many hugs

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Stop taking all the responsibility!!! .. You don't want this and didn't sign up for it!

People have little control over their hearts at the best of times and no one is to blame in this for fuck sakes!

You are in a situation that you don't want KT. For the sake of everyone do something about that. Get to a place where you are healthy...and honestly, after two years of struggling I don't think it is with Two Rings anymore. That is not an attack or any form of disrespect to him. It is just the "slap in the face truth" as I see it.

Get the life you need and want..stop trying to make this one something it isn't. All of you have to be strong.

I'm not going to sugar coat my feedback. You are all great people..but you want different things. Set yourself free from this misery KT. No one else has the ability to do that for you. You've tried adapting...it's not always possible. Now it's time to make a change. In two more years you'll all probably be in a better place...although I have my doubts about some.

KT, MG, Two Rings...you have my deepest concerns but I do hope you all find a "lasting and pure health" in all this.

 

[Carma]

Dear Kat,
I haven't read all your posts but I feel so bad for you

I still think you could have a change of heart/perspective. It sounds like you are not ready to give up yet, because love is holding you.

My heart goes out to the three of you. It sounds like you have given this your all. Best wishes on whatever road you choose.

 

[Morningglory629]

A long journey

I was very surprised to see this blog opened up again. Sage and Mono you have been good friends to all of us. Thank you for your advice through all of it. Mono perplexed by what your doubts are, but I am sure you will share them.
KT I hope your posts helped you through some of the feelings of the last two weeks.

 

[LovingRadiance]

KT-I'm not going to comment on the relationship situation-because I think I've already said anything I could say about it. OF COURSE-if you have any specific questions you can always ask.
But-something jumped out at me about YOU and YOUR happiness, I'll address that.


Have you ever been tested for ADD?

I'm NOT saying you are.

But, many of the issues you are struggling with are common symptoms off ADD in WOMEN.
The symptoms in women ARE NOT THE SAME AS IN BOYS/MEN.

www.drhallowell.com

Check it out.
He's one of the leading Dr's for ADD.

I didnt know I was ADD until 2 years ago. But-when I got put on (a VERY LOW dose) of ADD medication; my depression was resolved, my emotional eating was resolved, my anxiety was resolved, my inability to "turn off my brain" was resolved.... there's more... but I think you could get the point.

It very well may be worth inquiring about. There are different types of ADD as well.
I copied the below info from his website. I highlighted the things that I seem to recall you bringing up repeatedly in your thread over the last year... I found more than 12...



ADD/ADHD in Adults
If you have exhibited at least twelve of the following behaviors since childhood and if these symptoms are not associated with any other medical or psychiatric condition, consider an evaluation by a team of AD/HD professionals:

•A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one’s goals (regardless of how much one has actually accomplished).
•Difficulty getting organized.
•Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started.
•Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow through.
•A tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark.
•A frequent search for high stimulation.
•An intolerance of boredom.
•Easy distractibility; trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or conversation, often coupled with an inability to focus at times.
•Often creative, intuitive, highly intelligent
•Trouble in going through established channels and following “proper” procedure.
•Impatient; low tolerance of frustration.
•Impulsive, either verbally or in action, as an impulsive spending of money.
•Changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans and the like; hot-tempered.
•A tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly; a tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about, alternating with attention to or disregard for actual dangers.
•A sense of insecurity.
•Mood swings, mood lability, especially when disengaged from a person or a project.
•Physical or cognitive restlessness.
•A tendency toward addictive behavior.
•Chronic problems with self-esteem.
•Inaccurate self-observation.
•Family history of AD/HD or manic depressive illness or depression or substance abuse or other disorders of impulse control or mood.

 

[KatTails]

Thank you to everyone who responded. I'm at work so I will reply to each of you individually as I get time throughout my day.

Oh KT I'm so sorry to hear you're where you are, but I think you maybe have hit rock bottom and are finally trying to focus where you need to which is on yourself. You are right though you have so much work to do and the very first place I think you need to start is with a bit of self forgiveness. Where you find yourself is not all your fault. I honestly, truly 100% believe that and that's where I would start. You're human and you are loveable no matter what anyone says. God, even I couldn't help but take a peak at Z's emails the other day when I was using his ipad. We've talked about this a lot on the polymono board. The ins and outs of privacy are a very complex issue.

Thank you Sage. I do feel like I have hit rock bottom. I have been so not myself - it scares me at times. I mean out of control, sobbing until my head felt like it was going to explode, wanting to hurt myself, hurt him out of control. It's like I'm detached - I know it's happening, I know it's wrong to do - but I can't stop myself. It needs to stop. I need to regain control of my head and heart.

I spent a few months on here reading posts from people like you, Mono and others who are in mono/poly relationships. I read your blog, I bought your book - I tried focusing on the positives. I tried learning to be ok with this. As I said - yes - they have made mistakes as well. But I'm not going to turn my blog into a bashing place. I can't change them - I can only change myself. In Radical Acceptance self forgiveness is discussed and I am trying to change how critical I am of myself. It's not easy for me to forgive myself. But I'm trying. As for looking in my husbands phone - at the beginning of their relationship I did it several times, found nothing but things that hurt me, told him, promised I wouldn't do it again - but I would. It was a compulsion. I couldn't stop that need to know curiosity. I looked at our phone records to see how often they were texting. I looked at his email (until he changed the password,) I looked at his FB page - again - everything I saw hurt me. I promised him I would not look at his phone anymore - and I didn't for 6 months. Then a conversation with him in January made me curious about something and I looked. I haven't looked at it since. But I did break a promise to him and betrayed their right to privacy. It was wrong of me.

If you haven't already read it Feel the Fear by Susan Jeffers is another excellent book. She talks about moving yourself from pain to power and she is very big on blame being a totally useless emotion. I would go even further and say it is incredibly destructive. Every time your 'stinkin thinkin' kicks in (all this self-blame), replace it with acceptance and responsibility. Making *peace with where you are is another really important first step.

I will look for that book - thank you. I've criticized both MG and 2rings for kicking me when I'm down - but I do it to myself as well. You're right - it is destructive. If I can't forgive and love myself - why should I expect 2rings to?

Look for the opportunity in all of this and if you have an iphone download a free gratitude app. It's really hard to not feel better when you look at what you have in your life to be grateful for.

I do - and I just downloaded one. I think that will help since I gravitate towards negativity. Thanks.

Apologies for writing like a self-help manual but I'm in the middle of ghost writing a book on being newly single. I better get back to it but I'll be keeping a very close eye here.

No apologies necessary! I'm looking for help, feedback, opinions, suggestions and an occasional "slap across the face!" I appreciate you taking the time to read my blog and to offer practical advice. Thanks!

Kat

 

[KatTails]

Stop taking all the responsibility!!! .. You don't want this and didn't sign up for it!

People have little control over their hearts at the best of times and no one is to blame in this for fuck sakes!*

You are in a situation that you don't want KT. For the sake of everyone do something about that. Get to a place where you are healthy...and honestly, after two years of struggling I don't think it is with Two Rings anymore. That is not an attack or any form of disrespect to him. It is just the "slap in the face truth" as I see it.*

Get the life you need and want..stop trying to make this one something it isn't. All of you have to be strong.

I'm not going to sugar coat my feedback. You are all great people..but you want different things. Set yourself free from this misery KT. No one else has the ability to do that for you. You've tried adapting...it's not always possible. Now it's time to make a change. In two more years you'll all probably be in a better place...although I have my doubts about some.

KT, MG, Two Rings...you have my deepest concerns but I do hope you all find a "lasting and pure health" in all this.

Mono - you are right . . . I don't want this and I didn't sign up for this. But it's here. My biggest fears have come true. What I was trying to prevent - has happened. I completely understand your anger and frustration - I feel it too.

But I also have to weigh the pros and cons of divorcing and the affect it will have on our kids and our family. I have done that and the cons far outweigh the pros. It's just not financially possible nor emotionally the right choice. If we didn't have children and finances were not an issue - I probably would file for divorce. NOT because I don't love him - because I intensely do. But because he needs something I cannot give him.

The reality is that we do have children and are living paycheck to paycheck and still barely squeaking by. We could continue to live in separate rooms - but we still have to come together to be parents, run a household, deal with family issues etc. But I won't be able to touch him, kiss him, hold his hand, tell him I love him, make love with him, feel his arms around me. I will still be left at home while he's with MG - and I'll still be sad and hurt about it. Instead of him coming home and climbing into bed with me - he'll go up to his room. MG will still be in his life. But then she'll have all of him and I'll have none of him. How does that make me feel better? 20 years together is a long time and it's not easy to just walk away.

I wholeheartedly agree with you - I DO need to get myself healthy. I DO need to get to a place that works for me. I NEED to find my own life. I NEED to rely on myself for my happiness. I can't rely nor depend on him anymore.

I don't want you to sugar coat anything - I'm a big girl and can take it. That's why I posted this update. I sincerely appreciate all advice, suggestions etc - and sometimes I do need "slap in the face truth."

Thank you Mono - I appreciate your honesty and your bluntness.

 

[KatTails]

Dear Kat,
I haven't read all your posts but I feel so bad for you

I still think you could have a change of heart/perspective. It sounds like you are not ready to give up yet, because love is holding you.

My heart goes out to the three of you. It sounds like you have given this your all. Best wishes on whatever road you choose.

Thank you Carma! It has been a very difficult two years - but my love for my husband is what is keeping me here and what's fueling my attempts to accept MG. As much as I want to give up sometimes - I need him in my life.

 

[KatTails]

LR - wow! I never thought about that and my first instinct was to say no - but I can't ignore the parts you highlighted in red. They are pretty accurate. There are even some you didn't highlight that could apply to me.

It is something that I'll have to read up on and think about. I will discuss it with my therapist tonight.

You have helped me so much over the past year - and I really appreciate it. I have been following your blog and I very much identify with Maca and what he's going through emotionally. I can only imagine how hard it is to live apart - but I love hearing about your "dates" and the way you two are working together to make individual changes as well as changes in your marriage. While you have had your share of frustration with Maca - you continue to stand by him and are supportive of him. I wish 2rings was able to be like that. He was - but he's unable to be supportive of me at this time and in the way I need. I sincerely wish you two the best and thank you for sharing the intimate and emotional events that you are going through. You are helping a lot of people - me included.

Thank you LR!

 

[KatTails]

I was very surprised to see this blog opened up again. Sage and Mono you have been good friends to all of us. Thank you for your advice through all of it. Mono perplexed by what your doubts are, but I am sure you will share them.

KT I hope your posts helped you through some of the feelings of the last two weeks.

MG - I do too. I have had a lot of "things" running around in my head and it helped me to get it all out. This is about me - about what I'm feeling, how I'm dealing, or not dealing with it, and what I am going to do about it. This will not be a place to vent, blame or accuse. But a place to learn, accept, change and grow.

 

[SourGirl]

I wish there was someone close to you Kattails, that could be the spine you need, and drag you out of that situation. Kicking, screaming and all. You need a lot of distance, before you can be strong enough, to see things for what they really are.

 

[LovingRadiance]

LR - wow! I never thought about that and my first instinct was to say no - but I can't ignore the parts you highlighted in red. They are pretty accurate. There are even some you didn't highlight that could apply to me.

It is something that I'll have to read up on and think about. I will discuss it with my therapist tonight.

You have helped me so much over the past year - and I really appreciate it. I have been following your blog and I very much identify with Maca and what he's going through emotionally. I can only imagine how hard it is to live apart - but I love hearing about your "dates" and the way you two are working together to make individual changes as well as changes in your marriage. While you have had your share of frustration with Maca - you continue to stand by him and are supportive of him. I wish 2rings was able to be like that. He was - but he's unable to be supportive of me at this time and in the way I need. I sincerely wish you two the best and thank you for sharing the intimate and emotional events that you are going through. You are helping a lot of people - me included.

Thank you LR!

Thank you Kat. That guy, Dr. Hallowell, he has several books out-that I've found in libraries, very helpful information. I know for me, it's been a GODSEND to figure out that it wasn't my FAULT I seriously could NOT control my emotional eating (lost 66 lbs after I got that one resolved). It was killing my self-esteem.
Then, to find out that additionally the ADD causes my mind to literally get stuck in whatever thought pattern I'm in (negative most often). THAT was the primary reason I decided to try the medication. When the medication helped stop that-I was STUNNED. It's a HUGE difference.

My daughter started taking meds when she was diagnosed and went from suicidal and making D's in school to a straight A student who graduated having already gotten 18 credits in college as well, happy and joyful with her life.

It's easy for "us" to say "Kat, you need to blah blah blah" and the reality is that most of the advice is dead on right, which you already know.
BUT-what if the reason you can't do it is because of a chemical issue?

My brother in law is severe ADD. He was diagnosed as a kid. But, he quit taking the medication as an adult. A few years ago he was so depressed, so filled with anxiety, just so emotionally overwrought that my sister filed for divorce. She just couldn't take it anymore. He got back on medication and all of that emotional stuff was suddenly within his control. The man had struggled to hold down a job for years due to depression, anxiety and opening his mouth when he shouldn't. He's had the same job for 2 years straight, longest time ever.

It's worth checking into because the WORST that you can find out is that you are or you aren't ADD.

I'm glad that reading my blog helps you. I don't want to tie your blog up in knots, but I did want to say real quick.

One of the hardest lessons I ever learned is that loving someone is an action verb. The majority of the population acts like it's a noun.
What I mean is that the majority of people act like love is just an emotion (a thing).
But, in truth it's a series of actions that we choose to make.

I do love Maca and I choose to do so every day. Sometimes I do a better job than others, but I keep making the choice to love him.

 

[LovingRadiance]

http://www.midnightsuncoaching.com/blog/

Just thought you might find this helpful. I know the lady who writes it.
If you send her an email-she's been researching ADD VERY heavily for a few years because every single person in her family is ADD and a couple have additional learning disabilities etc.
She's got a WEALTH of information.

 

[KatTails]

Things that make me go hmmmm.......

I wish there was someone close to you Kattails, that could be the spine you need, and drag you out of that situation. Kicking, screaming and all. You need a lot of distance, before you can be strong enough, to see things for what they really are.

Sourgirl - at times I wish so too. When you say "see things for what they really are" - I'm not exactly sure what you mean. My hamster wheel is spinning and I'm thinking of a few ways I could take that. Please feel free to PM me if you want to clarify. Your post has really made me think.....

I know for me, it's been a GODSEND to figure out that it wasn't my FAULT I seriously could NOT control my emotional eating (lost 66 lbs after I got that one resolved). It was killing my self-esteem.

I think losing weight (I have about 100 lbs to lose ) would do WONDERS for my self esteem. But until I get my depression and anxiety under control - the emotional eating is taking control. My therapist gave me a book tonight about being an emotional eater - can't wait to start reading it tomorrow.

Then, to find out that additionally the ADD causes my mind to literally get stuck in whatever thought pattern I'm in (negative most often). THAT was the primary reason I decided to try the medication. When the medication helped stop that-I was STUNNED. It's a HUGE difference.

It's easy for "us" to say "Kat, you need to blah blah blah" and the reality is that most of the advice is dead on right, which you already know.
BUT-what if the reason you can't do it is because of a chemical issue? It's worth checking into because the WORST that you can find out is that you are or you aren't ADD.

I spoke to my therapist about your reply to my blog - and she has encouraged me to contact a Dr. to have it checked out. I will be making that call first thing tomorrow and getting the first available appointment. I'm not getting my hopes up - but I think there may be something to this. It's definitely worth checking out. Mentally - I understand the concept and theory of polyamory. Mentally - I know 2rings loves me and is committed to a future with me. Mentally - I know that him loving MG does not take away his love for me and that she is not replacing me. BUT - try telling that to my heart! And once my heart starts to doubt - it spreads like wild fire to my brain and all logical thinking goes out the window and pure, raw, pain and emotion take over. While most people would not want a diagnosis of ADD - I would love if that was the case with me and I could get on medication that could possibly change my life.

If you don't mind - can you please PM me and let me know the name of the medication you are on just so I can mention it to my Dr.

I'm glad that reading my blog helps you. I don't want to tie your blog up in knots, but I did want to say real quick.

One of the hardest lessons I ever learned is that loving someone is an action verb. The majority of the population acts like it's a noun. What I mean is that the majority of people act like love is just an emotion (a thing). But, in truth it's a series of actions that we choose to make.

I never thought of it that way - but you do make a great point! Thanks - I will try to remember that and I will try to put that into practice.

http://www.midnightsuncoaching.com/blog/ Just thought you might find this helpful. I know the lady who writes it. If you send her an email-she's been researching ADD VERY heavily for a few years because every single person in her family is ADD and a couple have additional learning disabilities etc. She's got a WEALTH of information.

Thanks! I will check it out tomorrow (I'm emotionally drained and going to bed)

Kat

 

[Lemondrop]

I hesitated to say anything because I haven't been active in a while and I'm really out of the loop. I think you got some very good advice and I hope it helps.

I did want to suggest that you look at the next period of time not as a punishment, but as an opportunity. You need a break. You need some time to find yourself again. You need a chance to focus on yourself and not have to deal with the things that are sending you into a tailspin. This is *you* time. You deserve to be your main focus for a while. Right now, you can take this chance to lavish some love on yourself. *You* are important, but I'm getting the idea that you haven't let yourself be important to yourself for a while. (P.S. Regarding your statement that you are "too lazy" to exercise...while self-awareness is important, negative self-talk is destructive. Think about what physical activity you enjoy doing, even if it doesn't seem like it's "real" exercise, and do that. Dancing is fun, but it's exercise, sure enough. You don't have to do a ton to have it count, and three ten-minute walks give you the same benefit as a thirty minute walk. Okay, I'll stop.)

I can really empathize over your feeling that 2rings and MG are "soul mates". I really do feel that way about my husband, Easy, and his girlfriend, Asha, and it still gives me a twinge from time to time. They mesh on a deeper level that I just don't get; they speak the same language, they have a lot of fun together, and they seem to get each other in a way that I can't. Please remember that this is not an "either/or" proposition. This puzzle has more than two pieces--if you take yourself out of the equation, there is a big, gaping hole in the picture. You are not replaceable.

 

[KatTails]

I did want to suggest that you look at the next period of time not as a punishment, but as an opportunity. You need a break. You need some time to find yourself again. You need a chance to focus on yourself and not have to deal with the things that are sending you into a tailspin. This is *you* time. You deserve to be your main focus for a while. Right now, you can take this chance to lavish some love on yourself. *You* are important, but I'm getting the idea that you haven't let yourself be important to yourself for a while. (P.S. Regarding your statement that you are "too lazy" to exercise...while self-awareness is important, negative self-talk is destructive. Think about what physical activity you enjoy doing, even if it doesn't seem like it's "real" exercise, and do that. Dancing is fun, but it's exercise, sure enough. You don't have to do a ton to have it count, and three ten-minute walks give you the same benefit as a thirty minute walk. Okay, I'll stop.)

Lemondrop - you are 100% correct - I do need to take this time for me. I need to find out who I am - apart from my husband. This is my time, this is my life. As was pointed out by redpepper in a thread about veto power -

People make their own choices. Some times they are not for the good of everyone and sometimes I think that their choice is wrong... but it is their choice and I have to decide from that what MY choice is...It drives me crazy when people whine that someone has "done" something to them and that they are where they are because of it... really, if you don't like a metamour and wish she/he would fuck off out of your life because you think they suck, then decide what to do with that for YOU.

For 2 years - I have done what my husband wanted, albeit kicking and screaming, because I wanted him to be happy. Now - I'm doing what's right for ME. Let me make this perfectly clear - I DO NOT WANT 2rings and MG TO BREAK UP. I am NOT giving him an ultimatum. I see why he needs/wants MG in his life. She's good for him. She makes him happy. I get it. I understand it. I accept it. HOWEVER - this is my life too and I do have a right to decide who is in it and to what capacity and whose not. I'm tired of being treated like my feelings don't matter. I'm tired of other people making decisions that affect my life - and being made to feel guilty when I say it's not something I want. Just like I don't own him and can't tell him what to do - he does not own me and cannot tell me what to do. We are individuals. But I have always caved and done what he wanted to make him happy. In return - I've made myself miserable. So from now on - my life is mine. It's time I become selfish. It's time I put MY wants and needs first. I am living MY life for ME. And I'm NOT going to feel guilty for doing so.

Please remember that this is not an "either/or" proposition. This puzzle has more than two pieces--if you take yourself out of the equation, there is a big, gaping hole in the picture. You are not replaceable.

Thank you Lemondrop!! This will take some work for me to be able to believe. Other than in the eyes of my children - I do feel replaced and replaceable. There are many issues I need to work on - and my insecurity and low self esteem are the biggest.

Off to do Just Dance on the Wii!

 

[LovingRadiance]

I put some links on my blog for you KT. They're on the "links" page, right at the top.

Good luck!

 

[redpepper]

This is my time, this is my life. As was pointed out by redpepper in a thread about veto power -

People make their own choices. Some times they are not for the good of everyone and sometimes I think that their choice is wrong... but it is their choice and I have to decide from that what MY choice is...It drives me crazy when people whine that someone has "done" something to them and that they are where they are because of it... really, if you don't like a metamour and wish she/he would fuck off out of your life because you think they suck, then decide what to do with that for YOU.

For 2 years - I have done what my husband wanted, albeit kicking and screaming, because I wanted him to be happy. Now - I'm doing what's right for ME. Let me make this perfectly clear - I DO NOT WANT 2rings and MG TO BREAK UP. I am NOT giving him an ultimatum. I see why he needs/wants MG in his life. She's good for him. She makes him happy. I get it. I understand it. I accept it. HOWEVER - this is my life too and I do have a right to decide who is in it and to what capacity and whose not. I'm tired of being treated like my feelings don't matter. I'm tired of other people making decisions that affect my life - and being made to feel guilty when I say it's not something I want. Just like I don't own him and can't tell him what to do - he does not own me and cannot tell me what to do. We are individuals. But I have always caved and done what he wanted to make him happy. In return - I've made myself miserable. So from now on - my life is mine. It's time I become selfish. It's time I put MY wants and needs first. I am living MY life for ME. And I'm NOT going to feel guilty for doing so.

I haven't been able to post here because I have been PMSing and I am not being rational at the moment. or as kind as I would like to be. I do think you have been whining however. But I am glad to see this post! Be selfish! Seriously, it's been two years! Get on it! This hasn't changed and now you have reduced yourself to something you don't like about yourself. Its sad KT, really sad....

It's your kids I worry about. You are grown ups. You can make choices, they can't, they are just trying to have a childhood.

No one is to blame here and all of you are at the same time. I don't know what is going on with anyone else but you, so I don't feel I can really respond without a whole story. Really though, when will this end or get better?!!

 

[sage]

I'm glad you're back KT and your process will take you as long as it takes you. I think that you are in a different place to where you have been previously because your focus does seem to be primarily on you and not your relationship. I think this is not only healthy, it is imperative because from my vantage point your relationship with 2rings seems to have become toxic.

You seem to be finally understanding that you have to heal yourself before your can be of sustained use to anyone else. I'm sure there is a wonderful woman underneath all your angst and dis-ease but in order for her to come out you have to give her your best attention. No one else can do that for you, least of all 2Rings.

Hugs

 

[KatTails]

I haven't been able to post here because I have been PMSing and I am not being rational at the moment. or as kind as I would like to be. I do think you have been whining however. But I am glad to see this post! Be selfish! Seriously, it's been two years! Get on it! This hasn't changed and now you have reduced yourself to something you don't like about yourself. Its sad KT, really sad....

It's your kids I worry about. You are grown ups. You can make choices, they can't, they are just trying to have a childhood.

No one is to blame here and all of you are at the same time. I don't know what is going on with anyone else but you, so I don't feel I can really respond without a whole story. Really though, when will this end or get better?!!

I figured you were referring to me - and I do understand what you are saying. I know I have whined in the past - but in my update blog - I really did try NOT to sound like that because that is NOT how I am feeling. I did not make my update a bitch fest full of accusations and venting. I made it about me - about what I was going through, the issues I am dealing with and the steps I'm taking to try to improve myself. Sorry if it came off as whiney - not my intention or emotion. I appreciate ANY feedback you give me - even when it is blunt and harsh. Sometimes I need to hear that - especially if its intent is to help.

And you're right - you don't know the whole story. I haven't shared everything that is going on - because that is not the intent of my blog anymore. If MG chooses to share her side with everyone in PM or in her blog - that is up to her - BUT - it also doesn't mean that she is accurately portraying what has gone on. I have admitted to my faults, mistakes, weaknesses - and I made apologies and steps to change. That's all I can do. While people have taken me to task for how I have handled or mishandled things - MG and 2rings could also be taken to task for how they have handled or mishandled things. As I said - we are ALL to blame in some way. I am choosing NOT to read MG's blog because our marriage is on the verge of ending - and personally, I don't need their love affair thrown in my face. I have endured enough pain from it - I don't need a recap. That is not whining - that is taking the initiative to not engage in something that I know would be toxic to me and instead, focusing on me and the changes I need to make.

I am going to stay and try to work on me and our marriage - and I'm doing so for our children. They deserve to have a stable home with two parents who love them. They had that 2 years ago - and they should have it again. Divorcing would not be in their best interest. 2rings and I have a LONG way to go and a lot of work to put into fixing the damage we have both done to our marriage and to each other. My focus is on me, him and our children. Nothing else matters to me at this time.

I'm glad you're back KT and your process will take you as long as it takes you. I think that you are in a different place to where you have been previously because your focus does seem to be primarily on you and not your relationship. I think this is not only healthy, it is imperative because from my vantage point your relationship with 2rings seems to have become toxic.

You seem to be finally understanding that you have to heal yourself before your can be of sustained use to anyone else. I'm sure there is a wonderful woman underneath all your angst and dis-ease but in order for her to come out you have to give her your best attention. No one else can do that for you, least of all 2Rings.

Hugs

Sage - we have DEFINITELY become toxic to each other. We've NEVER been like this before - it's heartbreaking. Sometimes I look at him and I wonder who he is, who he's become. He's not the same man I married. But neither am I the same woman he married - over the last 2 years I have become weak, dependent, insecure, nervous, angry, bitter. I need to leave that Kat behind and get back to who I know I am. The true me is not angry, violent, full of hate and rage. I hate that that is what I have become. I look at our wedding pictures and see how happy we were, how in love we were, how we had our whole lives ahead of us. I never imagined we would be here - contemplating divorce, hurting each other, full of anger and mistrust. That is not us.

I have always looked to 2rings for validation, judgement, acceptance, attention, support, approval, dependence. I put all of my trust in him. There's a quote I found that really summed up how I feel "Who do you turn to when the only person in the world who can stop you from crying, is exactly the one making you cry?" I need him to help me, to support me, the validate me, to accept me - but he can't. So now - I am left by myself. It's taken me this long to realize it and to stand up on my own 2 feet and to give myself the love and attention that I deserve. No one else can or will do it for me. I just wish that it didn't take the destruction of our marriage for me to figure it out. I deserve to be happy and healthy and to be loved.

Thanks Sage!