I'm in over my head

Road trips, time to yourself, can be very empowering. :) Going somewhere new, or at least to a different place than where you are spending your time at the moment, can most times help to clear your head and heart. I do this often, even if it's just a short road trip up the coast. Just the drive itself often does the trick for me.

I have been reading your blog and following your struggle, and I think you are doing very well with all of your emotions. Just the fact that you are willing to look at your actions and reactions with honesty says a lot about your character.

I hope that you do take your road trip and enjoy the break.
 
Freetime said:
I don't even know what "slow down" means.

Less lust, texting, talking, truth? Which one should I ask her to slow down?
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Since I'm solo, I don't have a partner to slow down for, or to wrangle these types of negotiations with. But I have read here that people take things in stages. They start off with things like, "Okay, you can date, but just hold hands, no kissing." Then, as comfort grows, add kissing, then more physicality as things begin to settle in. It's probably too late for that with Tess, but maybe there are certain physical acts you want her to only engage in with you. Things like that.

Another way to slow down would be to work out a schedule. Maybe you feel she is spending more time with him than you can handle. Ask for a limit of, say, only once or twice a week. That's not unreasonable. Then, if and when you feel you can handle more, they can increase the time spent together. Or you can ask for no overnights, or allow for a certain number of hours for each date. Another way is no texting when she's on a date with you, or at family events.

You are taking Tess out on regular dates, too, right? You don't have to do spendy things, but make sure you get your time with her.

People have come up with a variety of solutions to handling this kind of transition to a marriage. Maybe do a search for "boundaries" here.
 
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Maybe I'm off here, but I'm getting a feeling that not slowing down is a point of pride. Like, you're going to win the poly race if you push yourself as hard as possible until "the end." Except, there really isn't an end. You're stepping outside of societal norms, outside of how you were raised, outside of pretty much everything you've encountered in your life. You're always going to have things to work through, and it's not possible to keep up this speed for the next few years.

I wonder, because your feelings oscillate so much, are you getting a "high" from overcoming poly challenges? It seems like you're setting up bigger and bigger challenges, maybe artificially so, by not allowing yourself time to regroup between processing events and emotions. Is this why you're resisting slowing down? It's true, you won't get the huge highs, but you're also not going to crash so low after, either.

This really is coming from a place of concern. I have a terrible gut feeling that you're just barely in control and I don't want to see something awful happen to you.
 
TruckerPete said:
Maybe I'm off here, but I'm getting a feeling that not slowing down is a point of pride. Like, you're going to win the poly race if you push yourself as hard as possible until "the end."
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There is some truth to this, TP. With my A++ personality type, I'm currently working the "Bring it on" approach to all of this. It is perhaps not the safest method of dealing with life change, but it does keep it interesting.

There really isn't an end. You're stepping outside of societal norms, outside of how you were raised, outside of pretty much everything you've encountered in your life. You're always going to have things to work through, and it's not possible to keep up this speed for the next few years.
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Unfortunately, I agree with you. What I am trying to do though, TP, is to become acclimatized to all of this as fast as possible. Hence the all go, no quit ideal I'm currently working. I know I can't keep this up. I don't want to. I'm at redline and need to step back, smell some flowers and go play nicely with others.

I wonder, because your feelings oscillate so much, are you getting a "high" from overcoming poly challenges? It seems like you're setting up bigger and bigger challenges, maybe artificially so, by not allowing yourself time to regroup between processing events and emotions. Is this why you're resisting slowing down? It's true, you won't get the huge highs, but you're also not going to crash so low after, either.
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The ups and downs are a direct result of having no prior relationship experience to what is a fast-changing and fluid environment right now. I'm not just dealing with polyamory, I'm also dealing with significant financial, social, and spiritual considerations outside of this. Not fun, but not overwhelming either, most of the time. These highs are not the kind I'm seeking out, I think. But it is something I'll look at. As an adrenaline junkie, I have a tendency to see what scares me, and then invite it to dinner.


This is coming from a place of concern. I have a terrible gut feeling that you're just barely in control and I don't want to see something awful happen to you.
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I'm really crushing on you right now, ya know?

I'm taking off for a while, see some friends, hang out, laugh and chill out, hopefully starting in the next two weeks. I'm tired of this... Hell, I'm tired of me. I'm going to go somewhere and laugh, play, let go of whatever I need to let go of, and then move on.

This will mellow out, eventually. So for now, although I'm not always enjoying the ride, I am surviving it. And I'll write that up as a success.

I read your reply yesterday TP, but wanted to consider what you had to say overnight. Thanks for caring.
 
nycindie said:
Since I'm solo, I don't have a partner to slow down for, or to wrangle these types of negotiations with. But I have read here that people take things in stages. They start off with things like, "You can date, but just hold hands, no kissing." Then as comfort grows, add kissing, then more physicality as things begin to settle in. It's probably too late for that with Tess, but maybe there are certain physical acts you want her to only engage in with you.
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Yeah, waaaaay too late. But even if I'd thought of this, I wouldn't have set any kind of limit. Intimacy is intimacy. Tess is still with another man, whether they are holding hands, or power humping, it really doesn't matter.


Another way to slow down would be to work out a schedule. Maybe you feel she is spending more time with him than you can handle. Ask for a limit of say, only once or twice a week. That's not unreasonable. Then, if and when you feel you can handle more, they can increase the time spent together. Or you can ask for no overnights, allow for a certain number of hours for each date, no texting when she's on a date with you...
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Tess's bf lives a fair distance away, so it's been hit and miss right now, which I'm glad of. it's been a built-in limiter to the relationship, which I probably needed.

But when Tess gets a bf closer to home, you can count on there being boundaries and schedules in play. I'm tough enough to deal with this as is, but I'm not going to allow chaos to reign supreme. This is my home, my life, and she's still my wife.

Thanks for the information on boundaries, NYC. I see I have a lot to learn yet.
 
Freetime said:
I want to take a roadtrip to the west coast and hang out with people who, like you, cared enough to reach out...

This scares T and me. We've never spent more then 10 days apart. Tess is afraid I won't come back. I'm afraid she won't want me back.
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So take a short road trip at first. Build her confidence and your own in steps. It doesn't have to be two weeks, BAM. How about a weekend with friends, and you come back? Next time, a long weekend (3 or 4 days), then a week?
 
"If I asked Tess to stop/slow down, she would."
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And as for stopping Tess from doing anything, good luck with that. I tell this particular lie because I sound, at least to me, more like a loving caring husband and less of a selfish bastard.

"And I'm not that guy"

Yes, I am. It's pretty clear by my actions I am exactly that guy. I'm just trying really hard not to be. But I am getting better at it.

"If I asked Tess to stop/slow down, she would. But I cannot/will not ask that of her, because it would only delay the inevitable and stop her from living the life she was meant to, and I'm not that guy."
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Today you taught me something. Something I'm not sure I wanted to learn. But I did have too much wine, so...
 
Odd thoughts

All of this self-analysis, pain, growth, awareness, love, laughter, joy, new friends made... and the thought comes to me that maybe this isn't about Tess's journey into polyamory, but my own.

Sunny day. Think I'll go for a walk.

Freetime
 
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