I'm in over my head
- Thread starter Freetime
- Start date
TruckerPete
New member
You should then make sure you log out, because checking the "remember me" box will keep you logged in permanently. Not so good on public computers.
Really?
I have to wonder if I'm insane. Uncertainty, fear, anger, remorse, love, lust, acceptance, openness... Repeat as needed.
I'm learning what TMI really means and why some things are best left unspoken, if not unknown. Tess is more in love with this guy then I ever remember her being with me. Age and experience has made her more open and communicative about her feelings. Good for him. Not so much for me.
I find fear to be my friend right now as it keeps me focused on:
1) Getting healthy, back in shape
2) Finding a job/career. Great for building self esteem.
3) Building my own life and getting out of Tess's. Her life is her business now, I need to remember that.
I felt like the ugly kid at a beauty pageant when Mike and Tilly came over. Mike is fit, good looking and smart. Tilly is a babe. Of course, Tess is the proverbial hot wife made real. Me? Well, I do have a cute little Buddha belly starting.
I've gone from Yoda-level lightness and love over to Vader-level self-loathing and fear.
Tess has offered to stop seeing Mike, but that's delaying the inevitable, so I have to find my balance soon, like yesterday soon. When Tess and I connect soul to soul I simmer down and start to mellow out-- right up to the next text message from Mike
I've also come to see that as nice as Mike and Tilly are, I don't need any new friends right now. Waaaaay too many relationships going on for me to sort out. As long as Mike treats Tess with love and kindness, and respects my relationship, I'm good to go. I think we tried the "Let's all be friends" approach far to soon. I need time to adjust to Tess having a bf. Anything else is just noise right now. Mike is coming over to play with Tess tomorrow. I'm going to drink, fight and get arrested. Okay, I'm not, but I do find the idea oddly attractive right now. Ah fuck it. I'll live.
I'm scared, tired and my soul hurts, and yet I just do not have it in me to ask Tess to stop. Running away or pretending it isn't happening solves nothing. I love my wife. I fucking hate my life. Maybe one day I'll have both? Nah, that only happens in fairy tales.
NRE is an evil perpetrated on the unwary by the uncaring.
I have to wonder if I'm insane. Uncertainty, fear, anger, remorse, love, lust, acceptance, openness... Repeat as needed.
I'm learning what TMI really means and why some things are best left unspoken, if not unknown. Tess is more in love with this guy then I ever remember her being with me. Age and experience has made her more open and communicative about her feelings. Good for him. Not so much for me.
I find fear to be my friend right now as it keeps me focused on:
1) Getting healthy, back in shape
2) Finding a job/career. Great for building self esteem.
3) Building my own life and getting out of Tess's. Her life is her business now, I need to remember that.
I felt like the ugly kid at a beauty pageant when Mike and Tilly came over. Mike is fit, good looking and smart. Tilly is a babe. Of course, Tess is the proverbial hot wife made real. Me? Well, I do have a cute little Buddha belly starting.
I've gone from Yoda-level lightness and love over to Vader-level self-loathing and fear.
Tess has offered to stop seeing Mike, but that's delaying the inevitable, so I have to find my balance soon, like yesterday soon. When Tess and I connect soul to soul I simmer down and start to mellow out-- right up to the next text message from Mike
I've also come to see that as nice as Mike and Tilly are, I don't need any new friends right now. Waaaaay too many relationships going on for me to sort out. As long as Mike treats Tess with love and kindness, and respects my relationship, I'm good to go. I think we tried the "Let's all be friends" approach far to soon. I need time to adjust to Tess having a bf. Anything else is just noise right now. Mike is coming over to play with Tess tomorrow. I'm going to drink, fight and get arrested. Okay, I'm not, but I do find the idea oddly attractive right now. Ah fuck it. I'll live.
I'm scared, tired and my soul hurts, and yet I just do not have it in me to ask Tess to stop. Running away or pretending it isn't happening solves nothing. I love my wife. I fucking hate my life. Maybe one day I'll have both? Nah, that only happens in fairy tales.
NRE is an evil perpetrated on the unwary by the uncaring.
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nycindie
Active member
Can love really be quantified? Does she really love one more, or one any less? Or does she simply love? And is she in love with him yet, really, or just caught up in the chemicals?
Take a slow, deep breath. Don't compare. No one ever wins at the comparison game.
However, your realization about who Tess is now -- older, more experienced, more practiced at communication than she was when you first started in your relationship with her -- is a good insight to have, and important to remember. Somehow you were expecting her to fumble around awkwardly, like a teenager? But she isn't a teen (thank heaven). She is more secure in herself, a mature, evolving person, who has you to thank for lots of her personal growth. Don't forget that.
All good stuff. Invest in you. It's not that her life is only her business -- you still are partners in your marriage -- it's that you both have your own lives to tend to, and your own satisfaction to nurture. Cultivating yourself to be the best you possible will ultimately be so much more satisfying (for you) than going into that needy, insecure part of you that wants reassurance from her.
This is just foolishness and self-pity.
(BTW, I love guys with Buddha bellies.)
Yes, you will. And you will thrive because you love each other. This is just a new shape for the container in which you two have planted the seeds of your relationship. Marriage and relationships always change and evolve.
And you know what? You don't have to be friends with Mike and Tilly. But I think it was important for you to meet them, so that the fear of the unknown doesn't take over your imaginings. You have a sense of who they are, and when/if you feel comfortable reaching out to one or both of them for friendship, go for it. But it's not a requirement!
You forgot: you're also brave, loving, compassionate, and pretty awesome!
You are human, and experiencing the ebb and flow of emotions. At some point, the turbulence will cease and you will reach a comfort level that makes you happy, I am sure of it. Hang in there & keep talking. I think you are an amazing man.
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Memory is a funny thing. The past tends to get distorted through the lens of the present. As real as the image can seem, it cannot always be trusted.
Speaking of Buddha, he was a pretty clever dude. The rest of this post will be brought to you by the power of Buddha (as presented by a half-assed google search, since I don't like typing verbatim from books when I can cut & paste from the web)!
Budda said:
Budda said:
Budda said:
Budda said:
Budda said:
Budda said:
Google doesn't have Buddha saying anything about NRE. But I know there are some days that my wife would probably want to steal yours.
MorningTwilight
New member
TELL HER HOW YOU ARE FEELING. Ask for for specific actions that will help to reassure you that she still loves you as much as she ever did. (Hell, for your willingness to go through this, she probably loves you MORE.)
You and me both, brother. In fact, in honor of the "rapture," I'm enjoying some of Victory Brewing's finest tonight.
It helps, when staring at yourself in the mirror, to stand up straight with good posture, and realize that you are your own worst critic. I'm gonna bet that, when you do that, you'll realize you're not as far from where you want to be as you thought.
You are within your rights to ask her to SLOW DOWN, so that you have some time to deal with it, and to be reassured that she still loves you. You may see it as "delaying the inevitable." I see it as a nod to reality: an oak tree won't grow any faster than it will, no matter how hard you want it to.
Ask her to please SLOW DOWN. Tell her you know and acknowledge that she is who she is, but you need some time to catch up. It's okay to ask for this, really. Tell her what actions with Mike drive you batshit, and ask her to please hold off on that for a bit. Not forever, just for a bit, so that you can speak truth to your fears. Know deep inside that she loves you; that she doesn't love him more than you, that she does not want to leave you for him.
Your fears are primitive creatures, and are going to require that lesson repeatedly. It's okay to ask Tess to give you time to do that. You are in no way a failure of any kind.
So don't ask her to stop, but do ask her to SLOW DOWN.
Well no, it isn't. It may feed your current black mood to tell yourself that, but it really is a chemical process in the brain. You had it with Tess when you first got together with her. Were you uncaringly perpetrating "an evil [...] on the unwary" back then?
MorningTwilight
New member
The previous post was/is a snapshot of the lowest I've gone in this journey, other then Day 1. The anger and self pity are indeed pretty obvious, but were also true at that moment. I really want to edit it and make it sound less... snivelly, but that's just another way to lie about what's going on, so I'll leave it as is.
We went out tonight to meet another polyamorous couple who, along with Tess, helped calm down the angry monkey I had become. They shared their stories, home and hearts with us, and I am grateful to no end for their support.
Most of my stuff isn't related to polyamory, but it is getting caught up in it. My outburst at Tess, Mike and Tilly is how I deal with emotional stuff. Poorly.
Mike and Tilly will remain people whom I want to spend time with. Gentle souls, both.
Tess and I had a great night, one filled with laughter and love, a much better close to the day then how I got it started.
This really caught me off guard. I'm still not sure what happened with me/this. But it's pretty clear I have a lot of homework to do.
I'll write more later, but for now I'm going to get some much-needed sleep.
NYCindie, MT and II, you have all given me much to think about and do. Thank you.
We went out tonight to meet another polyamorous couple who, along with Tess, helped calm down the angry monkey I had become. They shared their stories, home and hearts with us, and I am grateful to no end for their support.
Most of my stuff isn't related to polyamory, but it is getting caught up in it. My outburst at Tess, Mike and Tilly is how I deal with emotional stuff. Poorly.
Mike and Tilly will remain people whom I want to spend time with. Gentle souls, both.
Tess and I had a great night, one filled with laughter and love, a much better close to the day then how I got it started.
This really caught me off guard. I'm still not sure what happened with me/this. But it's pretty clear I have a lot of homework to do.
I'll write more later, but for now I'm going to get some much-needed sleep.
NYCindie, MT and II, you have all given me much to think about and do. Thank you.
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MorningTwilight
New member
It's called a rollercoaster for a reason: there will be highs and lows, and you won't expect them. Again, this does not make you a failure.
And, as some kind soul pointed out in my own "new guy" thread: it's far better to vent here than to say something hurtful to the one(s) you love.
And, as some kind soul pointed out in my own "new guy" thread: it's far better to vent here than to say something hurtful to the one(s) you love.
Beodude123
New member
I know you and I are going through much of the same thing, Freetime. I haven't been posting much on here lately. I didn't even want to think about anything polyamory related, since it would just piss me off. I've been feeling a lot less angry about things now, so I'm kind of floating around here again.
Anyway, even if nothing is going on, it's just the very idea of polyamory that I struggle with. Jen hasn't been doing anything with other guys for a good while, but I've still been mad. I would suggest to you maybe ask Tess stop poly-dating for now, so that way you can get okay with the idea.
I think the both of us are pretty hard-wired monoamorous. It's obvious that both of us want to be able to accept our wives for what they are... But it's been killing us inside. So, we need to get used to the idea first, then move from there. I think it's going to take us a lot longer than previously thought. Slamming right into things was too fast for us both.
I'm not really sure what has helped me to turn around. Maybe just time? Either way, I think things need to be pretty darn slow for the both of us.
Anyway, even if nothing is going on, it's just the very idea of polyamory that I struggle with. Jen hasn't been doing anything with other guys for a good while, but I've still been mad. I would suggest to you maybe ask Tess stop poly-dating for now, so that way you can get okay with the idea.
I think the both of us are pretty hard-wired monoamorous. It's obvious that both of us want to be able to accept our wives for what they are... But it's been killing us inside. So, we need to get used to the idea first, then move from there. I think it's going to take us a lot longer than previously thought. Slamming right into things was too fast for us both.
I'm not really sure what has helped me to turn around. Maybe just time? Either way, I think things need to be pretty darn slow for the both of us.
TruckerPete
New member
I call bullshit. After creeping your Facebook, I have to say you are pretty darn sexy. So, no more pity party!
redpepper
Active member
Can I *like* this?
I am glad you met with some polyamorous people as just friends. Too often, in this community, it becomes all about dating and fucking, especially for newcomers. *yawn* It's gotten very old for me at this point (although it was a similar process for me
). Keep breathing. Eventually, it seems, the mind and body kind of let go of the pain and confusion and stop trying to control it. Why do we do this? It's a defense mechanism, I guess.
I agree with TruckerPete. It's worth asking her to slow down, so you can take a breath.
TruckerPete
New member
While I like knowing my advice is sound, this one was MorningTwilight's. However, I agreed with him. I also showed him this thread. So I'll take a bit of credit.
I'm going to write a book, titled: The Fastest Way to Experience Pain in the Creation of a Polyamorous Relationship.
Outline
1) Pretend you know what you're getting into
2) Rush into it even after folks suggest you slow down
3) Repeat 1 and 2 until you're divorced, insane, or
4) Decide to start listening to people who actually know what they're doing
I'm in NYC on business right now, so I can't write for long. But let's just say I've made some serious miscues, both painful and entertaining, in the last few days, that make just about everything else I've experienced so far seem like fun.
More when I get home,
Freetime
P.S. I love NY!
Outline
1) Pretend you know what you're getting into
2) Rush into it even after folks suggest you slow down
3) Repeat 1 and 2 until you're divorced, insane, or
4) Decide to start listening to people who actually know what they're doing
I'm in NYC on business right now, so I can't write for long. But let's just say I've made some serious miscues, both painful and entertaining, in the last few days, that make just about everything else I've experienced so far seem like fun.
More when I get home,
Freetime
P.S. I love NY!
Doug Larson said:
NYC is an awesome town. Gotta say I'm a little envious. Don't forget to visit the Museum of Sex!
Carma
New member
Free and Beo -- I have to confess: I get you guys mixed up! Forgive me if I ever refer to Jen or Tess, and I'm totally wrong.
My Sundance is totally mono too and has shared your struggles. It really helps me to read your perspective. HIS anger scares me and worries me -- but yours helps me to understand. So I thank you for coming here to vent, share and to bare your souls; it really helps others.
It's still a rollercoaster for us, too. Sundance sometimes says, "I don't LIKE it, but I understand." We are settling into our poly life a bit now. It's relatively calm. Hoping for some moments like this for you both, too.
My Sundance is totally mono too and has shared your struggles. It really helps me to read your perspective. HIS anger scares me and worries me -- but yours helps me to understand. So I thank you for coming here to vent, share and to bare your souls; it really helps others.
It's still a rollercoaster for us, too. Sundance sometimes says, "I don't LIKE it, but I understand." We are settling into our poly life a bit now. It's relatively calm. Hoping for some moments like this for you both, too.
A joyful time
I'm having the time of my life with Tess right now in NYC. I've smiled so much my teeth have a tan! Laughed, loved, held hands, walked and talked. Horse and buggy tour of Central Park, had awesome midday sex, and are now getting ready for the Met opera tonight.
A surprise passionate kiss and embrace on our way back to the hotel has made this a perfect day.
This is what I want remember. This!
I'm having the time of my life with Tess right now in NYC. I've smiled so much my teeth have a tan! Laughed, loved, held hands, walked and talked. Horse and buggy tour of Central Park, had awesome midday sex, and are now getting ready for the Met opera tonight.
A surprise passionate kiss and embrace on our way back to the hotel has made this a perfect day.
This is what I want remember. This!