So your into tongues in your nose then??
Something about this whole conversation reminds me of a Christian Slater movie... "Love and Kisses to all your pink parts" ?!!?
Survival guide for dating a mono
- Thread starter MonoVCPHG
- Start date
So your into tongues in your nose then??
Something about this whole conversation reminds me of a Christian Slater movie... "Love and Kisses to all your pink parts" ?!!?
TruckerPete
New member
*sings* Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you ...
I thought it was "sit on my face and tell me that you love me..."
Colour me confused.
TruckerPete
New member
That is another line in the song. It becomes progressively more lewd.
Hrm ... Sort of like this thread!
That is another line in the song. It becomes progressively more lewd.
Hrm ... Sort of like this thread!
It is a most excellent song.
But then again, the hip hop I grew up on was 2 Live Crew, so vulgar lyrics were par for the course.
bimblynim
New member
So, mono ideas? As you know, I'm a newbie exploring sexuality and sexual relationships. Currently have quite a shiny intense emotional thing going on with a lovely poly couple (incidentally, met introduced through OKCupid, cheers Ceoli, may owe you a pint) but he lives in another town (we've met, but there's no immediate chemistry), she lives in another country (not physically met her yet). Anyhow, the emotional security they provide has made it easier for me to go dating in my town.
Met a guy the other night. I had bumped into him at a couple of events, so asked him out. Throughout the evening got physical hots for him, and signals of reciprocity. The thing is, he's indicated that he may be monogamously inclined. We haven't had much time to talk about it, and I don't know if it's an idea he's encountered before. He knows I'm poly. I am very attracted physically, but I also want to know/get involved with his mind. Any thoughts?
Met a guy the other night. I had bumped into him at a couple of events, so asked him out. Throughout the evening got physical hots for him, and signals of reciprocity. The thing is, he's indicated that he may be monogamously inclined. We haven't had much time to talk about it, and I don't know if it's an idea he's encountered before. He knows I'm poly. I am very attracted physically, but I also want to know/get involved with his mind. Any thoughts?
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I'm a mono currently in a relationship with a poly and I get on very well with and accept his relationship with his 'other'. In fact, she and I have become very close friends. I am the one he wants to be with, but he says she is also 'very special' and I'm not at all threatened by that. It's actually his mono ex girlfriend that is more bothersome. lol
He said to me tonight that he thinks we all 'work' because, even though we aren't all poly, we just accept people for who they are and don't try and change them!
He said to me tonight that he thinks we all 'work' because, even though we aren't all poly, we just accept people for who they are and don't try and change them!
MonoVCPHG
New member
The other side of the coin
Last night, a friend new to our ever-growing community, asked if we could get together to talk. She is very mono, it seems, but working at building a relationship with her recently-declared poly boyfriend. I agreed without hesitation and then thought about the impact of any comments I might have for her.
I spoke to Redpepper about my concerns and she pointed out that I should get our friend to think and answer questions for herself as opposed to actually injecting my opinions.
Anyone on here who knows me is aware that I am not a big fan of mono/poly relationships. I am even a bigger non-fan of two people starting their relationship lives with this type of hurdle (and it is a hurdle). But I do know they work. My biggest concern is always that each partner has not gotten to experience a meaningful relationship with someone who feels the same way about how love is shared and expressed.
She is young, and as far as I know, has never been in a long-term committed monogamous relationship. Immediately I have to swallow my snap assessment and understand what I say to her could not only affect her actions, but also the heart and happiness of her boyfriend. I don't know either person very well, but still care about them as human beings and have a responsibility not to sabotage anyone's natural relationship progression.
So I thought I would put together some questions that I will ask her to make her think, and then hopefully be a little more prepared and willing to choose the best path, as she sees it.
Does she truly feel monogamous?
Has she ever felt a romantic connection with more than one person? Can she see a benefit to being open for the development and expansion of her own relationships? Is she more traditionally-conditioned mono, influenced by the expectations of society and family? Is she internally mono, wired to only have one romantic connection (as personally put it)?
What has she experienced?
Has she felt what it is liked to be someone's "one and only," to have someone give themselves to her willingly, the same way she gives herself, not controlled, but a willing gift of exclusivity, as is the core principle of true monogamy-- a gift, not a shackle? This is important because more than likely she will get the "grass is greener" feeling in her relationship. I personally feel it is very important to experience the grass on your own side of relationship nature before venturing into another.
What are her relationship goals, short term and long term?
Short-term mono/poly is arguably much easier to enjoy than the expectation of long term commitment, depending on what the individual wants. Is she a person with traditional relationship aspirations? Will she want a standard wedding with traditional vows? If there is no long-term commitment ideals such as kids, house, marriage, and retirement planning, then I am much less reserved about exploring different relationship types to in fact have "experiences."
How important is societal blending to her?
Is she prepared to stand her ground and push for at least acceptance of how she loves with family, friends, co-workers and neighbors, or will she be ok with keeping secrets about the reality of her life?
Who are her close friends and how will they react?
I lost most of my old friends, but don't fault them. I am just too far off their scale of comfort. I have made some very good new friends, though. Is she willing to accept the potential loss of her regular crowd, to be replaced a crowd of people who largely have different views than she does? I still struggle with this at times and have become almost like a half-member of both, fading in and out of tangibility.
What will her parents think?
For some of us, parental acceptance is not that important in many ways. For others, it would be crushing to be cut off from our parents' pride and the endorsement of those we love. It's hard to have a family barbeque when your partner is not welcomed by your parents or siblings because they think they are "cheating" on you. I would be very concerned if my daughter committed to a relationship with a polyamorous guy, and I live this life quite happily. Imagine if I didn't have a clue about poly. I'd be waiting for the cheating bastard on the doorstep. You get my point.
What is her boyfriend's idea of poly?
Is he looking to add a specific person or persons, or is he wanting to be open to all and any relationships that may present themselves?
Is she prepared to share him? To have him come to her bed after sharing another woman's? Can she imagine them together and still embrace him fully? He deserves her untainted love if she goes down this path. He can't expect to have a partner who is holding back for the duration of their relationship. If she can't face the reality of his other relationships, how can that be healthy for her or him long term? Is she prepared for an ongoing cycle of his interest in others? Flirting, discussing boundaries, the first night they have sex, the meeting of people he is NREing over? Will she always be worried about every social thing he attends for fear he is hunting or being hunted?
So, I plan on meeting her and asking questions, more than giving my own perspective. She will probably ask why I am so happy with my relationship. My short answer is always that my mono needs were met and the planets basically had to align for me to be happy in this, truly happy. Yes, I have my worries and areas of concern, but every morning I wake up happy, knowing I love Redpepper and we are family. Those moments before sleep and just after waking are very telling times for me. They are the gauge of my health and happiness.
Last night, a friend new to our ever-growing community, asked if we could get together to talk. She is very mono, it seems, but working at building a relationship with her recently-declared poly boyfriend. I agreed without hesitation and then thought about the impact of any comments I might have for her.
I spoke to Redpepper about my concerns and she pointed out that I should get our friend to think and answer questions for herself as opposed to actually injecting my opinions.
Anyone on here who knows me is aware that I am not a big fan of mono/poly relationships. I am even a bigger non-fan of two people starting their relationship lives with this type of hurdle (and it is a hurdle). But I do know they work.
My biggest concern is always that each partner has not gotten to experience a meaningful relationship with someone who feels the same way about how love is shared and expressed.She is young, and as far as I know, has never been in a long-term committed monogamous relationship. Immediately I have to swallow my snap assessment and understand what I say to her could not only affect her actions, but also the heart and happiness of her boyfriend. I don't know either person very well, but still care about them as human beings and have a responsibility not to sabotage anyone's natural relationship progression.
So I thought I would put together some questions that I will ask her to make her think, and then hopefully be a little more prepared and willing to choose the best path, as she sees it.
Does she truly feel monogamous?
Has she ever felt a romantic connection with more than one person? Can she see a benefit to being open for the development and expansion of her own relationships? Is she more traditionally-conditioned mono, influenced by the expectations of society and family? Is she internally mono, wired to only have one romantic connection (as personally put it)?
What has she experienced?
Has she felt what it is liked to be someone's "one and only," to have someone give themselves to her willingly, the same way she gives herself, not controlled, but a willing gift of exclusivity, as is the core principle of true monogamy-- a gift, not a shackle? This is important because more than likely she will get the "grass is greener" feeling in her relationship. I personally feel it is very important to experience the grass on your own side of relationship nature before venturing into another.
What are her relationship goals, short term and long term?
Short-term mono/poly is arguably much easier to enjoy than the expectation of long term commitment, depending on what the individual wants. Is she a person with traditional relationship aspirations? Will she want a standard wedding with traditional vows? If there is no long-term commitment ideals such as kids, house, marriage, and retirement planning, then I am much less reserved about exploring different relationship types to in fact have "experiences."
How important is societal blending to her?
Is she prepared to stand her ground and push for at least acceptance of how she loves with family, friends, co-workers and neighbors, or will she be ok with keeping secrets about the reality of her life?
Who are her close friends and how will they react?
I lost most of my old friends, but don't fault them. I am just too far off their scale of comfort. I have made some very good new friends, though. Is she willing to accept the potential loss of her regular crowd, to be replaced a crowd of people who largely have different views than she does? I still struggle with this at times and have become almost like a half-member of both, fading in and out of tangibility.
What will her parents think?
For some of us, parental acceptance is not that important in many ways. For others, it would be crushing to be cut off from our parents' pride and the endorsement of those we love. It's hard to have a family barbeque when your partner is not welcomed by your parents or siblings because they think they are "cheating" on you. I would be very concerned if my daughter committed to a relationship with a polyamorous guy, and I live this life quite happily. Imagine if I didn't have a clue about poly. I'd be waiting for the cheating bastard on the doorstep.
You get my point.What is her boyfriend's idea of poly?
Is he looking to add a specific person or persons, or is he wanting to be open to all and any relationships that may present themselves?
Is she prepared to share him? To have him come to her bed after sharing another woman's? Can she imagine them together and still embrace him fully? He deserves her untainted love if she goes down this path. He can't expect to have a partner who is holding back for the duration of their relationship. If she can't face the reality of his other relationships, how can that be healthy for her or him long term? Is she prepared for an ongoing cycle of his interest in others? Flirting, discussing boundaries, the first night they have sex, the meeting of people he is NREing over? Will she always be worried about every social thing he attends for fear he is hunting or being hunted?
So, I plan on meeting her and asking questions, more than giving my own perspective. She will probably ask why I am so happy with my relationship. My short answer is always that my mono needs were met and the planets basically had to align for me to be happy in this, truly happy. Yes, I have my worries and areas of concern, but every morning I wake up happy, knowing I love Redpepper and we are family. Those moments before sleep and just after waking are very telling times for me. They are the gauge of my health and happiness.
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geminigirl
New member
This is absolutely brilliant, Mono.
MonoVCPHG
New member
Thanks Geminigirl. Somtimes I find it easier just to turn away from people for fear of damaging their relationship potential with my own feelings. Redpepper is showing me ways to be helpful and not feel like I am actually hurting the potential of people who want this dynamic to work.
(We missed you last night.)
geminigirl
New member
Missed you guys too!! Hope you got pics..
MonoVCPHG
New member
Missed you guys too!! Hope you got pics..
Yup!
Derbylicious
New member
It's good you have the questions to ask so that she can examine what being in a mono/poly relationship might mean to her down the line. I also think that, at least at first, it's probably good to reserve your opinion until you have a better idea of who she is and what she wants out of life.
MonoVCPHG
New member
Agreed!
sage
New member
Hi guys and girls,
First, whenever I read "mono/poly" something twists inside me. Mono/poly sounds like 'monopoly,' and the very first thing a monogamous person has to come to terms with is that they can never have a monopoly over a polyamorous person. That's why I always refer to it as 'poly/mono'. Might sound silly, but for me there is a depth of meaning in words.
Mono, I feel very similarly to you about giving advice. I think it is a wonderful idea to ask questions, rather than share our experiences, which could very well colour their experiences. I am quite surprised by your first question though: "Does she feel truly monogamous?" I thought in that workshop you did with RP you tried to get away from the whole idea of labels. I'm wondering at the moment if we actually do ourselves a disservice by identifying so strongly with monogamy. It is a label that initially gives us comfort, context and a tribe, but I don't think it does us much good long term.
What I found recently is that a lot of pain has come up in me, triggered by polyamory, but actually having nothing to do with polyamory. It's old childhood stuff. The whole mono persona just added an unnecessary layer of cultural baggage that I had to address before getting to the real issues.
First, whenever I read "mono/poly" something twists inside me. Mono/poly sounds like 'monopoly,' and the very first thing a monogamous person has to come to terms with is that they can never have a monopoly over a polyamorous person. That's why I always refer to it as 'poly/mono'. Might sound silly, but for me there is a depth of meaning in words.
Mono, I feel very similarly to you about giving advice. I think it is a wonderful idea to ask questions, rather than share our experiences, which could very well colour their experiences. I am quite surprised by your first question though: "Does she feel truly monogamous?" I thought in that workshop you did with RP you tried to get away from the whole idea of labels. I'm wondering at the moment if we actually do ourselves a disservice by identifying so strongly with monogamy. It is a label that initially gives us comfort, context and a tribe, but I don't think it does us much good long term.
What I found recently is that a lot of pain has come up in me, triggered by polyamory, but actually having nothing to do with polyamory. It's old childhood stuff. The whole mono persona just added an unnecessary layer of cultural baggage that I had to address before getting to the real issues.
sage
New member
Thanks, RP. I realised it was old, but misread the date on Mono's list. I didn't realise that was old, too. Although it seems by his comments he likes his mono label.
I don't think I like mine anymore. I know I came to this place a number of months ago, but I seemed to get sucked back into the cultural norm of monogamy. Maybe because you, Mono, are so immersed in poly culture it doesn't have the same affect on you. But I seem to find identifying as mono in a poly/mono relationship sets me up for a gigantic self-pity party. Polyamory brings up enough stuff for me without having to hack myself out of the "one true love" story that pops up everywhere. I've decided to try putting it away as simply a story that I no longer choose to identify with.
I don't think I like mine anymore. I know I came to this place a number of months ago, but I seemed to get sucked back into the cultural norm of monogamy. Maybe because you, Mono, are so immersed in poly culture it doesn't have the same affect on you. But I seem to find identifying as mono in a poly/mono relationship sets me up for a gigantic self-pity party. Polyamory brings up enough stuff for me without having to hack myself out of the "one true love" story that pops up everywhere. I've decided to try putting it away as simply a story that I no longer choose to identify with.
MonoVCPHG
New member
Yup
[/QUOTE]
I work in a completely mono culture (on the outside... what people do in reality is far more diverse, I'm sure). The guys I ride with are all in the mono culture, and many of my close friends are very mono. The thing is, I have never been fully a part of any large community. If something happened to me and RP, I would undoubtedly slip back into the mono circles I am used to. That's just natural, I think. There is always a little discomfort when I interact with people who don't fully know our dynamic. I've just learned to live with it.
Oddly enough, I use the label of mono within the poly community as a signal to others not to bother approaching me. But I do like to flirt. I am more hesitant to tell my mono friends that my girlfriend has other partners, but I don't want any. Then they really can't see anything in it for me and, I think, tend to judge me as being proverbially "pussy whipped."
Meh... screw it. I ride my own ride and live my own life. What everybody else does is up to them.
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