Survival guide for dating a mono

[clemenC]

It's easy to understand a mono. To a mono, love is like a secret shared with their favorite person. To a polyamorous person, love is like a weekly flyer posted on telephone poles.

I love this quote.

I was hoping to gain insight from this thread, only to be discouraged. It sounds really condescending to monos. That's unfortunate.

I am trying to be understanding. I could easily dismiss a poly person as someone whose heart is so emotionally needy that they need multiple partners to feel emotionally validated, and/or having a faint streak of emotional masochism.

But no, I am here, to to listen and learn to the best of my ability, and open up a door to collect information to form new ideas and connections. But man, what a fuckin buzz kill. Geez. I am going to cross my fingers and HOPE that there are some people here that are active and have successfully had mono/poly experiences resulting in perspective worth soaking up.

 

[sage]

Hi,

I'm inactive here now, but tried to make a poly/mono relationship work for six years. We loved each other heaps, still do, really. But in the end I (the more mono) pulled the plug, because it wasn't making either of us as happy as we are now. I actually think poly/mono is a spectrum. I'm happily married and mono now. I tried out poly and it was interesting, just quite hard work and not as good for me as a good mono relationship.

Sage

P.S. He married a mono. Go figure.

 

[YouAreHere]

I am going to cross my fingers and hope that there are some people here that are active and have successfully had mono/poly experiences resulting in perspective worth soaking up.

I'm here. I am mono, still in my relationship of 5 years with my poly partner, although "active" is a relative term, as I've either been too darned busy or too darned *tired* to post lately.

I still struggle (mostly with social validation, recognition of our relationship as "just as real" as my partner's relationship with his other "nesting partner"), but we've also pretty much hit a good, comfortable groove for the most part.

I'll try to post more later.

We're here!

 

[clemenC]

Thank you for taking the time to post your welcomes. I very much needed that.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi clemenC,

While not being monogamous now (I have one partner and she is married to her other partner), I was monogamous for some 30 years, and I think I do have respect for monogamy. I don't know if I can answer your questions but I'm willing to try.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Spork]

I hear lots of poly folk I know (mostly irl) refer to monos negatively and/or dismissively. And lots of kinksters refer to vanillas that way, too.

I myself use the word "muggles."

But for me, it's really important to make the distinction that the only people I scowl at or grump about are the ones who clutch pearls, pass judgments, or assume that the "normal" way of doing things is The Way and inherently superior just because "It's the Way It Is. It's how I was raised." Whatever.

I want people to question things and to realize at least that the way they live, just as the way I live, is one option among many. Take ownership of their own intentions. If a person understands that monogamy is a choice, and it's the choice that they've chosen, and that there are ethical ways to make other choices and they just don't want to, well, that's great!

It's your life and your script to write.

Personally, I just want the freedom to make choices with as little hurt and mess and drama as possible, whether I happen to be doing mono, poly, or something in between, at any point in life. I want to feel safe in being honest, and I want to feel like me, or any of my partners, can renegotiate things at any time, if we need to in order to be our true selves. I think that it really can/should take a lifetime to figure out what that means.

 

[A2Poly]

I think it depends on how the mono defines their version of monogamy. I'm monogamous. I have zero interest in having another partner, but my partner is polyamorous. But I'm a poly-friendly mono person. I like that he can have other partners, and does, both serious (Djinn) and fleeting (casual hook ups at festivals, etc.).

But other people can be mono and NOT poly friendly, i.e., not only can they not sustain more than one relationship, they don't understand how other people could, and therefore would find their partner having other partners threatening.

A not-poly-friendly-mono in a poly relationship, even as one end of the V, would be miserable, if they even agreed to it in the beginning. But I do quite well. In, fact I love it.

 

[Ravenscroft]

I was hoping to gain insight from this thread only to be discouraged. It sounds really condescending to monos. That's unfortunate. I am trying to be understanding.

You do realize you've dug kinda deep to create a Zombie Thread that's been dead for FIVE YEARS, right?

Not that I'm saying it means you're straining for some reason to feel personally insulted, but it kinda looks like that.

 

[clemenC]

You do realize you've dug kinda deep to create a Zombie Thread that's been dead for FIVE YEARS, right?

Not that I'm saying it means you're straining for some reason to feel personally insulted, but it kinda looks like that.

It was bad timing. Not that my sentiment is different. Sweeping generalizations can be irritating and that's how I read it (not rereading it at the moment, but I could be wrong). Anyway, not looking for a confrontation, so that's about it.

 

[kdt26417]

Actually, I think it's good to revive old threads.

 

[assets]

Actually, I think it's good to revive old threads.

I agree, Kevin. People are always saying to do a search on the site if they have questions. This person did and then someone complains. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[kdt26417]

I know ...

 

[IndieSolo]

It's perfectly fine to revive old threads here, and we do encourage that. However, it's better to revive them by adding something to the conversation -- not just a complaint that the thread doesn't meet expectations. What is the purpose in that? Going around to this thread and that thread only to post, "I wanted to like this thread but it sucks," isn't very useful!

And, while slightly off-topic tangents are allowed here, a meta-discussion (a discussion about the discussion) is off-topic and doesn't serve anyone.

Anyway, now this thread about dating a mono has been revived (which seems weird to me, in light of how MonoVCPHG's and Redpepper's relationship ended), if anyone is going to add to it, try to stay on topic and post "tips for dating a mono." Thanks.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yes, I was startled to see this thread revived, since the supposedly mono OP, who even named himself Mono something or other, cheated on his poly partner for a good two years before she found out. sigh... She still hasn't recovered and it's been a good while.

YouAreHere, who is mono (and not a cheater, lol, right YaH? You're too tired ) has done a great job of loving a poly man. You might read her blog.

 

[WhatHappened]

I was hoping to gain insight from this thread only to be discouraged. It sounded really condescending to monos. That's unfortunate.

I am trying to be understanding. I could easily dismiss a poly persons heart as a person who is overly emotionally needy that they need multiple partners to feel emotionally validated (and/or they have a faint streak of emotional masochism).

but no ... I am here. to the best of my ability to listen and learn and open up a door to collect information to form new ideas and connections ...

But MAN .. what a fuckin buzz kill.

geez.

I am going to cross my fingers and HOPE that there are some people here that are active and have successfully had mono/poly experiences resulting in perspective worth soaking up ...

I feel there's often enough a bit of condescension toward monos, unfortunately.

In my relationship with a married poly man, I, too, came here seeking some understanding of how this could work. He promised to guide me in 'his world,' but then got angry when I asked questions--I think because he couldn't really answer them. So I sought information all over the web.

In my opinion, the upshot of my relationship was that I did poly better than he and his wife did. Prior to me, his only serious relationships had lasted barely over a year and had always been very long distance. She couldn't handle him being in love with someone right there, and it lasting and lasting. She started playing games, basically practiced a silent veto that left no doubt who was the one who got all the privileges and who was going to be treated as a second class partner, until I got disgusted and broke up with him.

What I have seen on the forum is that the Vs that work are usually multiple men and one woman. I have my own ideas about why. I'll just say in my case, I believe she couldn't handle it. She was jealous and insecure.

One other thing I'm guessing from what I've seen since I broke up with him, is that there was an unspoken rule that I was supposed to be her bestie and get sexual with her, but nobody was going to admit to me that they had this expectation in order for women to stay in his life.

 

[Ravenscroft]

"the thread doesn't meet expectations." What is the purpose in that? Going around to this thread and that thread only to post, "I wanted to like this thread but it sucks" isn't very useful!

Chagrined apologies for unnecessary blurriness. I was under influence of antihistamines.

The point that I had in mind when I posted was, I totally ADORE discussion, and someone who puts their proverbial nuts on the fire for a deeply-held and well-considered opinion gets overt props from me, but I'm a bit wary of mere trolling.

 

[IndieSolo]

I feel there's often enough a bit of condescension toward monos, unfortunately.

Do you mean in poly circles in general, or HERE? I wouldn't say there is condescension toward monogamous folks here - we have quite a few members who are mono, and value their input and participation. Sometimes we see overly enthusiastic newbies to poly put down monogamy, but I would hope that the mono folks who post here feel pretty welcome.

And don't forget that there are lots of people who neither ID as poly or mono, see these as simply options to choose from, and could live either polyamorously or monogamously, and they are welcome here, too.

 

[FallenAngelina]

And don't forget that there are lots of people who neither ID as poly or mono, see these as simply options to choose from, and could live either polyamorously or monogamously, and they are welcome here, too.

This would be me. And yes, there are quite a few people here who are just navigating relationships and choosing different options at different times. I don't call myself polyamorous or monogamous, and I couldn't even tell you which all members here identify which way. There is absolutely no poly vs. mono going on in this forum community.

Yes, sometimes a person will make a comment about the concept of monogamy in general, but I've never seen anyone condescend to a monogamous poster because of that relationship choice.

 

[YouAreHere]

You do realize you've dug kinda deep to create a Zombie Thread that's been dead for FIVE YEARS, right?

Not that I'm saying it means you're straining for some reason to feel personally insulted, but it kinda looks like that.

Well... readers are often encouraged to search for threads that fit the terms they're looking for. I wouldn't be surprised for an old thread to be resurrected in such a way.

 

[opalescent]

I encouraged the reanimating poster (RP) to do a search here in one of her initial threads. I'm glad she did! Despite how things turned out, this is an interesting thread that may be helpful for other people to read. I encourage people to search so they can learn that they are not alone, that their questions and concerns have come up before in various ways, and so that I don't repeat myself. I've answered similar questions before and don't always feel like reprising that to someone new.