A little insight plz

Zululand

New member
Okay so where do begin...
I met my current partner at work a few years prior before we actually started dating. She was engaged and in a open relationship. She's poly and her hubby is mono but was open to the idea of being poly. So they get hitched and my partner and kind of connected again not long ago.
Even this was a process to be gentle because he thought and felt like with marriage that she should change who she is and not be poly. He's struggling with the concept of being married and and having his wife be poly and date me.
I guess the point of this is. I feel like I'm destroying a marriage and hurting him. But at the same time I want us and us to be happy and which we are but it comes with a cost because I constantly feel guilty about being with his wife. I love her and her I. Has anyone delt with a jealous or someone who really wasn't open to the idea of them being open and now he's hurting...
I just feel bad and hate that I feel this way.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
he thought and felt like with marriage that she should change who she is and not be poly.
So your GF doesn't have her husband's consent to be in a relationship with other people. Whether you and your GF think he should feel otherwise, whether they should have hammered this out long before the wedding vows, the fact remains that he no longer consents to polyamory. So if he doesn't consent, you're participating in a visible affair. Your choices are to continue or to not continue participating.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Okay, so where to begin...?

I met my current partner at work a few years before we actually started dating. She was engaged and in a open relationship. She's poly and her hubby is mono, but he was open to the idea of being poly. So they got hitched and my partner and I kind of connected again not long ago.
Even this was a process to be gentle because he thought that with marriage she should change who she is, and not be poly. He's struggling with the concept of being married and and having his wife be poly and date me.
I guess the point of this is that I feel like I'm destroying a marriage and hurting him. But at the same time I want us to be happy, which we are But it comes with a cost, because I constantly feel guilty about being with his wife. I love her and she loves me Has anyone dealt with a jealous husband, or someone who really wasn't open to the idea of them being open and now he's hurting?
I just feel bad and hate that I feel this way.
You are not the one "destroying" this marriage. The wife, your partner, is the one putting it at risk. It sounds like she's unhappy that when they got married, the husband changed his views regarding having a poly/mono relationship. The wife is choosing to go ahead and date you anyway. Maybe she wants out of her marriage, if she believes and feels like her husband is trying to control her sexuality and autonomy? She is basically cheating in the meantime.

It's up to you whether you want to continue to be a partner in this uneasy situation. Sometimes jealous husbands turn violent. If your gf is trying to negotiate an Open relationship, that is fine. But if I were you, I'd back off until this couple makes a firm decision to Open or to split. You could be in danger.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Let me repeat back what I understand in my own words so I know I get it how you meant it. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok? I'm going to name the people generic fruit names. If you want something else I'll go with what you pick.

You met Apple several years ago at work.​
  • She was engaged and participating in an open relationship.
    • She was poly and her then BF Banana was mono.
  • They did/did not talk about what life after marriage would be like after the engagement period. (Which is part of the work of the Engagement Period -- to check for deep compatibility.)
    • Banana wasn't really open to the idea of them practicing poly but lied? Went along with it during dating/engagement?
      • As a consequence of not being up front before he is hurting now.
    • Banana assumed that after marriage she would change and stop being poly.
    • Apple assumed that they'd carry on with her side poly and his side mono like they had been doing.
They got married.​
  • Their marriage agreements state....what?
  • Right now, Apple is / is not breaking her marriage agreements by seeing you.

Apple connected with you and wanted to date you.​
  • All the missing work from the engagement period above came to light.
  • Banana finally said that he just didn't want to be doing poly any more.
  • Apple tried to talk him into doing it anyway. (<--- Is that the "gentle process" business?)
Current tally:
  • Apple wants to keep going
  • Banana does not want to participate like this, because he really doesn't want to be doing open/poly
  • You do not want to participate like this, knowing all this discomfort is going on as a result of their missing prep work

Is that about it? If so, this doesn't sound like a "three people with joyful consent" thing here.

If you feel bad dating Apple like THIS because the husband isn't really on board and they both neglected to do the work of engagement and sort out their marriage?

And you didn't check before dating Apple that things were clear and above board with them before getting attached to Apple?

I think you could tell Apple that you want to date her, but not in a mess. So you are ending it. And she can look you up again when her stuff at home is in the clear and not messy any more.

You are not responsible for whatever they did/did not do during engagement or in the marriage. They are responsible for that.

You ARE responsible for what you get yourself mixed up in. And if this is a messy thing? And you being here means you are contributing to the mess? And you constantly feel guilty participating like THIS?

The feelings might feel hard but the actions seem pretty simple.
  • Step back. STOP participating here.
  • Then you are no longer contributing anything to the messy situation and are giving them space to sort it out
  • Then your feelings of guilt can dissipate.
Could expect Apple to clean up her own mess and get it better together.
  • If she does? She and husband sort it by getting on the same page? Great! Get back together and practice poly.
  • If she does? She and husband sort it by breaking up. What he wants no longer applies. Great! Get back together and practice poly.
  • If she doesn't clean up her mess and keeps offering you a messy sounding situation to date in? Stay apart, because in your personal standards you decided you won't truck with mess.
Don't let your soft feelings for Apple keep you in a messy situation that you don't feel good about.

Otherwise you are kinda being like Banana. Going along with whatever and not being up front about where you REALLY stand til it comes to bite you worse later.

Seems easier to nip things in the bud.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Zululand,

It sounds like your current partner and her husband made some assumptions, and now they're locking horns because of it. I take it that before they got married, she told him she was open/poly, he said okay to it, she assumed that he meant he would always be okay with it, he assumed that she would stop being open/poly as soon as they got married, they were both wrong and now apparently they both want to pretend that they're right. He wants to pretend that "she broke the marriage rules," she wants to pretend that he must still be okay with it; those are the rules that he's supposed to follow.

I'm assuming that you aren't willing to break up with her; as far as solutions, that just leaves her talking to him about open/poly, once every week or two, until he decides he's still okay with it after all. But this would not be a rapid process, especially when she is already dating someone without his consent. It could take a year, ten years, or a hundred years. And in the meantime, he will continue to hurt, and you will continue to feel guilty. I take it you thought, when you started dating her, that he was okay with her dating you? How would you feel if they got divorced?

They don't seem to be a good match.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I'm assuming that you aren't willing to break up with her; as far as solutions, that just leaves her talking to him about open/poly, once every week or two, until he decides he's still okay with it after all. But this would not be a rapid process, especially when she is already dating someone without his consent. It could take a year, ten years, or a hundred years. And in the meantime, he will continue to hurt, and you will continue to feel guilty. I take it you thought, when you started dating her, that he was okay with her dating you? How would you feel if they got divorced?

Badgering someone for years on end doesn't sound like a good way to make someone change their mind OR a way to treat someone that you
love OR a relationship that I'd want to be on either side of.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Badgering someone for years on end doesn't sound like a good way to make someone change their mind OR a way to treat someone that you
love OR a relationship that I'd want to be on either side of.

I have to second icesongs comment and ask how or why is this a theme with you kev ? How is wearing someone down or NOT accepting an answer not good enough. Would you think this a good practice if brother husband started a program of weekly talks to close back up ??....maybe have those talks on Saturday morning around 9-10am ?

if asked this before and I’ll ask it again ...why can’t NO mean NO ?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re:
"Would you think this a good practice if Brother-Husband started a program of weekly talks to close back up?"

I would think it was only fair, since that's what Snowbunny did to him.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
"Tit for tat fairness" isn't always healthy OR really fair. Just because Snowbunny did a weekly talk campaign to get BrotherHusband to agree to open doesn't mean it's ok for Brother husband to do same to get Snownbunny to agree to close.

Or even if that felt ok for your poly grouping... it would not automatically be ok or the healthiest or most appropriate thing to do here with these people in this grouping.

Sometimes people experience weekly talks they don't consent to something like being under siege. Then they give in/give up not because they really want to do the thing, but because they just want the badgering to stop. That's not "joyful consent" to me.

I think it would be kinder for Apple to ask Banana "Is this a hard limit that will never change? Or a soft limit that could change over time?"
  • If hard limit? Apple could accept the "no."
    • Then Apple can decide to give up pursuing poly or Apple can decide to give up being with Banana because they are not compatible.
  • If soft limit? Apple and Banana could agree on a check point so some time can pass before asking again. Each has time to do their personal work. But even with soft limits... can't be going for 30 years kicking the can down the road like a perpetual snooze tag.
To me it is moot because this course of action doesn't even apply to Zululand. Negotiation in the marriage? That is between Apple and Banana. Zululand has no say in their marriage status. It is not an action Zululand can do. If there's going to be any marriage negotiation, it's on the people actually in the marriage to get that moving.

I think all Zululand can do at this point in time to alleviate their guilty / unhappy feelings from participating in a messy sounding thing is to get out so Zululand is no longer participating in a mess.

  • And hope that motivates Apple to clean things up one way or another so they can get back together in a cleaner way.
  • Or... it turns out Apple does nothing.
Either way? Zululand is no longer participating in a messy thing. So over time can hopefully start to feel better.

Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Re:
"Or even if that felt okay for your poly grouping, that it would automatically be okay or the healthiest or most appropriate thing to do here with these people."

Why not let these people decide that for themselves?

I actually agree that Zululand's best option here is to break up with Apple. But I don't think Zululand is going to do that. So, I am looking for the second-best option.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Apple and Banana could decide that for themselves.

But it's not a second best option for Zululand to do.

I really can't think of any actions that Zululand can do other than stop participating in mess.

The other options or actions Zululand could choose? Turning a blind eye, becoming a hard hearted person, ignoring Banana is in pain, etc? Don't seem like they'd really resolve the bad feelings Zululand has. So can't suggest those in good faith.

Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Technically, Zululand could pitch to Apple the idea of talking to Banana.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Yes. But it isn's like Zululand could do anything past that.

Still on Apple or Banana to execute. Other people cannot fix a marriage for them. They have to be the ones to fix it, endure it wonky, or disband it.

Galagirl
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
Still on Apple or Banana to execute. Other people cannot fix a marriage for them. They have to be the ones to fix it, endure it wonky, or disband it.


Sad, but true
 

Marcus

Well-known member
I just feel bad and hate that I feel this way.

Either quit banging someone who is going against the wishes of their partner, or keep banging them and learn to deal with any emotions that might arise from it.

I don't really care about people's failing relationships, most relationships are in some state of disrepair, and that is not a solid motivator for me to change my actions. However, there is plenty of drama potential in getting mixed up in that stuff, and for that reason I am not interested. Everyone needs to be cool with what is going on or I'm out... immediately.
 

Isaiah990

Member
Okay so where do begin...
I met my current partner at work a few years prior before we actually started dating. She was engaged and in a open relationship. She's poly and her hubby is mono but was open to the idea of being poly. So they get hitched and my partner and kind of connected again not long ago.
Even this was a process to be gentle because he thought and felt like with marriage that she should change who she is and not be poly. He's struggling with the concept of being married and and having his wife be poly and date me.
I guess the point of this is. I feel like I'm destroying a marriage and hurting him. But at the same time I want us and us to be happy and which we are but it comes with a cost because I constantly feel guilty about being with his wife. I love her and her I. Has anyone delt with a jealous or someone who really wasn't open to the idea of them being open and now he's hurting...
I just feel bad and hate that I feel this way.
Did her man know she was polyamorous before they got married? If not, she's probably keeping secrets and cheating.

If so, It sounds like he's insecure and not being honest with her. He's anxious over losing her so he's settling for a decision he's not comfortable with to keep her. How are you to blame for that?

I'd talk to him about the marriage, his feelings, and polyamory. He needs to deal with his emotions and insecurities. He also needs to understand polyamory better so he can hopefully be more open with the idea.
 
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