A long story

[Pantheist]

Hi everyone!

I seem to have found my way into a very tricky situation, and I very much need the advice of an experienced polyamorous friend. Since I don't have any of those, I found my way here. Unfortunately, the problem has a lot of moving parts. To get decent advice, I need to make sure you, my readers, have a clear picture of the problem, so I'm just going to start at the very beginning and work my way to the present.

About half a decade ago, I was a happy and proud young man. I was both openly polyamorous and bisexual. I had two relationships going, neither serious, and had just started on a third. I was very good at following the poly code of ethics. All my partners knew about the others from the very beginning.

Over the next six months, my partners drifted away, until there was only the third one left. Morgan was young and extremely inexperienced with relationships. She was innocent, joyful, and amazing. She was also heterosexual and monogamous. I was totally in love, but I told myself I would still embrace another relationship as soon as I had the opportunity. She started dating me, knowing I was poly, and that she would just have to deal with me being poly again. The problem though, is that I didn't find anyone for a long time.

So, four years went by. I never did stumble across a partner, but I wasn't really actively looking, either. Even though I only had one partner, I still considered myself polyamorous, and even though Morgan is female, I still considered myself bisexual. I have done my absolute best to nurture her self-esteem, and develop an atmosphere of complete honesty and openness in our relationship. As the years have passed, we've occasionally talked about looking for other partners, but she gets really nervous (and sometimes very upset) when we do. Aside from that, we live together harmoniously, and our relationship has been wonderful.

Then I meet someone. Tess is poly too. The NRE is intense, but I suppress it hard. I start really pushing the polyamory agenda with Morgan. I really want to date Tess. I know that Morgan would feel better about me being poly if she had other relationships, but she isn't interested in other relationships. So we developed a compromise. She argued that she would feel better in a poly relationship if she were primary and the other relationships were secondary. It's not how I'd prefer to do things, but I didn't think it sounded impossible. I agreed.

We decided to get married. Now the marriage ceremony has been and gone, several months ago.

Tess has become a good friend of mine, and often sleeps over on our couch. She has feelings for me in return, and has developed a strong friendship with Morgan. Morgan knows how I feel about Tess. Everything is out in the open. I have tried to breach the topic of polyamory again, but Morgan insists she is still not emotionally ready. I respect that. I've been a very good boy. The three of us have dinner together, and talk, and share the events in our lives. It feels intimate. But Tess and I can't touch each other. No hugs, cuddling, or kissing. Nada.

At this point, I'm very frustrated. I don't want to keep pushing, but I'm worried that Morgan is just procrastinating out of fear. I don't want her to just 'give in' and be torn apart by guilt and jealousy. I would very much prefer her to accept the situation and embrace it. I really can't imagine a more supportive, or more caring person to have as my first secondary.

So now I'm looking into the future and trying to decide my next move, but I see the possibility for disaster everywhere. At the moment, I feel paralyzed. The closer I get to making everything work, the more dangerous the situation seems to become. I still love Morgan very much, and I want to share the rest of my life with her, but every day I fall a little harder for Tess, and this 'touching' gap might as well be the Grand Canyon.

Thoughts?

 

[Danny40179]

Sorry to hear about your situation, Pantheist. You said that Morgan was mono from the start. Well, much as she got into a poly relationship with you, you got into a mono relationship with her. Lemme try and explain.

While she was first with you, you was poly and with others, but she herself never had the experience. You said that she was young and inexperienced with relationships. Remember that in her world, all she was taught was that she would find the right guy and settle down and have 2.5 kids with a house and a white picket fence. Even though she didn't find all of that with you, when your other partners faded out of the picture and it was just you and her, I'm sure her mono wiring kicked in and she figured she got what she was looking for, anyway.

She's never had the need to even begin to change the way she thinks, because she's only been with you. You have experience with the lifestyle, so you understand that it's very possible to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship with more than one person. She doesn't know that yet.

Has she done any research on polyamory? Maybe she should come here and see what it's all about. Get a feel for things on her own.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

Ouch!

Oh dear. Snagged in the trap-- all four limbs (marriage). Sorry if that sounds harsh, but from what I'm reading, your marriage was seriously premature. Morgan knew what she wanted, and got it. Out of your concern and love for her, you conceded. Now it's a lot trickier. She's holding the trump card, it seems, because as much as you two may have flitted around the topic of poly, it was apparently all a game on her part. A game it seems she's won at this point.

I'm not wanting to paint her in a negative light, really, as we only have your words and one side of the story. But the reality is, she has little incentive (at least far less) to do the work necessary to see if you two can have a successful relationship in a mono/poly configuration.

It seems all you can do is take some time for some deep soul searching and decide if you can be happy and content with just her - OR - force a confrontation ASAP. Time is your enemy now. The longer you let this linger, the more difficult it's going to be to confront the truth. If you honestly believe that poly is your heart's truth, it cruel and unfair to continue to play the game, dancing around that truth.

Hard days ahead, my friend. Hang in there.

 

[Pantheist]

Thanks for the sympathy, guys.

Has she done any research on polyamory? Maybe she should come here and see what it's all about. Get a feel for things on her own.

To be honest, no, I don't believe she has. I have found videos that we have watched together, and sent her articles I thought she might like to read. We watched Sister Wives together every week (before the season ended) and talk about poly afterward. I've even heard her defend polyamory to her friends, and recommend it when they talk about cheating. However, she is not self-motivated about looking for information about it.

Snagged in the trap-- all four limbs (marriage). Sorry if that sounds harsh, but from what I'm reading, the marriage was seriously premature.

This may be true, but it had been almost 5 years. At the time, I just assumed that if we had made it that far, we weren't going to walk away anytime soon. And I still have no intention of doing so, regardless of the amount of work I have to do to make everything right.

It seems all you can do is take some time for some deep soul searching and decide if you can be happy and content with just her - OR - force a confrontation ASAP.

Well, it's been years. I don't think my ideas on poly are going to change. It is only going to get worse for me. That leaves the confrontation route.

Years ago, when I was poly-dating. I didn't live with any of my partners. Now Morgan and I share a house, a bed, and a history. I feel that if I force a confrontation, and get what I want (and I'm sure she will give in), that she will feel invaded, defensive, and I know that I will be causing her ridiculous amounts of pain. I believe that she must come to the realization that she wants to be poly by herself in order for this to have a happy ending.

This is the source of my paralysis, I guess-- waiting for her to take the first step so that I don't hurt her (as much). Perhaps that's wrong, but I need a happy ending here, and I can't imagine any other route giving it to me.

 

[Somegeezer]

Years ago, when I was Poly and dating. I didn't live with any of my partners. Now my wife and I share a house, a bed, and a history. I feel that if I force a confrontation, and get what I want (and I'm sure she will give in), that she will feel invaded, defensive, and I know that I will be causing her ridiculous amounts of pain. I believe that she must come to the realization that she wants to be Poly by herself in order for this to have a happy ending.

This is the source of my paralysis I guess. Waiting for her to take the first step so that I don't hurt her (as much). Perhaps thats wrong, but I need a happy ending here, and I can't imagine any other route giving it to me.

I think you're focusing there on your own happiness. You don't want it to end, because you'd be alone. But you don't have to have things fall apart. Communicating effectively is what you need to do. You need to tell her exactly what you feel and why. She must understand who you are. If she can't accept that, though, then it's the harsh truth that one or both of you will have to be unhappy: Break up or deal with each others' lifestyle choice.

 

[redpepper]

It sounds like you need to decide if it's time to fish or cut bait. Its been awhile. Perhaps its time to not take no for an answer and start talking about boundaries. Even if the boundaries are heavily weighed on her side, at least there will be some movement. Going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most is all very well, but there has to be movement, either deeper into poly or moving out of the relationship. It sounds like she knows some stuff, and supports other people's polyamory. Time to put her money where her mouth is and bite the bullet and try it. It sounds like you both get along with Tess, and she's an ideal person to try things out with.

 

[Fidelia]

From what you've written, it looks to me like it's time for some direct and open communication with your Morgan.

Most of the issues are already on the table. She knows you are polyamorous, and always have been, since the beginning of your relationship. You know she is not, or at least that she never has been previously.

She knows you want to develop your relationship with this new love interest. Tess is interested and on board with the idea. Morgan has said she's not emotionally ready to move ahead.

The question then becomes: what does Morgan need in order to become emotionally ready? Perhaps she needs to be better educated on polyamory. Perhaps she needs to do the internal work to address her fears, insecurities, jealousy, or whatever other issues have become obstacles. Whatever her needs are, the three of you need to come together to make a plan to overcome the obstacles so you can move forward.

From what I've read here, you've shown respect, honesty and integrity from the beginning. It is not at all unreasonable for you to insist on some forward motion toward having your needs met too. Morgan knew you were poly when she married you!

 

[MonoVCPHG]

She knew you were poly when she married you.

Somewhat in her defense, knowing someone is poly is far different that actually experiencing them ask to or want to develop another relationship. No one can promise they will be ok or how they will react. Perhaps it's time to go separate ways. You might get happier, but by the sounds of it, she will end up miserable. Just something to consider. Not everyone is meant to be together, or healthy for each other in the long run.

 

[FitChick]

Knowing, understanding and accepting that one's SO is polyamorous are completely different. I know and understand my bf is poly, but I think full acceptance is a way off, and I'm on a journey of figuring out whether it is the right path for me. I get on well with his secondary. I accept his relationship with her because I trust her and her motives.

His previous girlfriend couldn't deal with the polyamory at all and that is why they broke up. She was mono-wired, pure and simple.

Just my feeling, but Morgan needs to figure out how it would be safe for her to bring Tess into the fold. If she is never going to be ready, then you may have to make a hard decision.

 

[gwendolenthefair]

There is no perfect solution here, but one thing I think can help is baby steps towards what you want. You said that you are not allowed to hug your potential secondary partner. This sounds like a good place to start. It does not seem unreasonable to me to ask Morgan to relax her boundaries on that one. It's pretty controlling, IMO. Start off with hugs. Let Morgan see that you can hug someone you have feelings for and don't immediately rush off to file for divorce. If all goes well, see if you can proceed to nonsexual snuggles when watching a movie together. If she can get comfortable with that, see where you are and what else she might be comfortable with.

NRE is pretty crazy and can compromise your judgement, but don't let it make you forget to give Morgan a lot of affection, attention, and reassurance throughout.

If, in the end, if nothing works, and Morgan cannot accept Tess as more than a platonic friend for you, then you have a woman you adore and want to spend your life with, and a really good female friend whom you can't sleep with. Not too bad. You can love someone without sleeping with them. I fully expect to be doing that down the road, when my mono secondary partner, whom I love, finds someone else to marry and have kids with.

 

[polynHR]

She argues that she would feel better in a poly relationship if she were Primary and the other relationships were Secondary. It's not how I prefer to do things, but I don't think it sounds impossible. I agreed. We decided to get married.

Pantheist,

This is where you must begin you communications. You agreed that if Morgan became your primary, then you could have a secondary. The problem is, you have allowed Morgan to dictate the agenda. I agree it seems like she got what she wanted, and ignored what you wanted.

Also, if she has allowed Tess to sleep over and eat dinner with you all, then maybe it's you that is not taking the initiative.

My wife and I are polyamorous. She hasn't made it to the point where any friend of mine can sleep over. So if Tess is in your life, and it seems she is a part of your family, then you need to take the step and hug her, and be affectionate with her when she is over. I suggest you take small steps with this, sort of test the waters.

 

[Livingmybestlife]

How long has it been since Tess came into the picture?

 

[Pantheist]

Thanks, everyone, for offering your wisdom.

As someone pointed out, I believe NRE has indeed compromised my judgment somewhat. Hearing all your different points of view really helps me keep things in perspective.

It's been awhile. Perhaps it's time to not take no for an answer and start talking about boundaries. Even if the boundaries are heavily weighed on her side, at least there will be some movement.

It is not at all unreasonable for you to insist on some forward motion toward having your needs met too. She knew you were poly when she married you.

Thank you both for bringing up this point.

Last night, Morgan and I had a conversation which I was very happy with. I pointed out that I felt like she had put me on standby indefinitely. I said I was worried that she held all the power, and that I had no clear way to define when or even if she would be ready to move forward. She was receptive and sympathetic. We have officially started negotiating boundaries.

It's not much movement, but it's infinitely better than the stalemate I was facing before. So happy!

There is no perfect solution here, but one thing I think can help is baby steps towards what you want. You said that you are not allowed to hug your potential secondary partner. This sounds like a good place to start.

I agree; this sounds like a great way to move forward. Thanks for suggesting it. It was never stated out loud that it was against the rules to show affection to Tess. She and I just both sort of assumed that was the case. We just both care for Morgan so much, I think we are overprotecting her. I will talk to Tess and try to move forward along this route asap.

Then maybe it is you that is not taking the imitative.

This is most likely a large part of the problem. It is quite frightening to take that first physical step, but we will be doing so soon, I hope.

How long has it been since Tess came into the picture?

We met about 6 months ago or so. There was immediate chemistry.

 

[erithacus]

life's expectations

Hi Pantheist,

Thank you for sharing your story. Since I am currently dealing with my wife being polyamorous, I think I can relate to Morgan's viewpoint. I think some very good things were said already. Going slowly is very important. Standing still won't get you anywhere.

Something that is currently helping my wife and me is trying to get clear what our expectations are of our lives. Getting a clear image of what I want and expect in the next few years has proved to be a great input in our discussions. It turns out most of it is not even remotely threatened by my wife having a boyfriend. We can still do the things I dreamt of doing. It also helps me to know my wife's expectations in her relationship with her boyfriend.

Like Fidelia said, it's important to know what Morgan would need to become emotionally ready to go ahead. Perhaps if you find out in what part of her life she feels threatened by Tess, you can talk about those things and see if they are based in reality or not.

 

[Kat]

Mono/poly possibilities

I believe that she must come to the realization that she wants to be Poly by herself in order for this to have a happy ending.

Pantheist,

I am a mono chick with a poly bf. I did not know he was poly when we started dating a year and a half ago. We had been mono together for the whole time. I was completely devastated when he announced to me that he was poly, had met someone else and wanted to pursue an additional relationship. I had never even heard of polyamory!

But, we talked (and cried) a lot and are working through this together.

The main point I want to make is that I am still mono. I don’t have to be poly just because I’m in a poly relationship with a poly man.

Talk with her. Explore what she needs to feel secure and loved while letting you be you. Please remember that she doesn’t have to be poly just because you are.