A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")

He's your partner, not your guest.
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This.
I do tend to treat him like a guest at times, and maybe this is part of the problem - it's hard for me to feel as though he's *not* a guest when I treat him like one and life falls to the wayside when he's here.

I need to write this down and look at it regularly. Thanks, NYC. :)

but isn't there usually some kind of parental attitude or role a long term, often present bf of a mom would have? Not discipline per se, but general chauffeuring and caretaking?
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Chops will definitely be there if he's needed, and he does like the kids (and kids in general), however, he feels their need for my time (well, PokéGirl's need for my time) and backs off rather than wanting to feel like he's competing.

We've been working on changing that dynamic a little - he plays Magic: the Gathering with me and PokéGirl (DanceGirl isn't interested in the game), and he's been hanging out with us in the living room more when we're just watching TV (he's not big on other board/card games that DanceGirl likes to play, and after a while he gets tired of gaming anyway). It bugs him when DanceGirl treats him as a non-entity, but I think separating himself only makes it worse. At any rate, the dynamic seems to be shifting a little bit, so I'm going to continue to encourage that.

As for roles, we had that discussion a while back, and came to the conclusion that he doesn't want a step-parent role. He doesn't want to parent again, and that's fine. Our parenting styles are (or were) very different, anyway. Of course, it makes figuring out an actual role much more difficult. He wants to be respected as my partner, which is great, but separating himself from them won't work toward them actually having a relationship. It's a work in progress, I suppose...
 
I dunno, YAH, it sounds like you're letting your man off too easily.

Also, you mentioned work bleeding you dry, and that you're not taking the vacations you've earned. I recommend vacations.

You must be a Type A person.
 
I have been treating him more like a BF who comes to visit - NYC hit the nail right on the head. He does pull some weight (big arms, so quite literally sometimes!), so I think I'm doing him a disservice. He went out to split some wood last night, and finished bashing out the bathroom tile when my legs and back needed a break. He does dishes (I'm usually the one to wave them off). He does laundry. I just tend to treat him like he shouldn't have to... I seem to be my own worst enemy here (especially when I was having such trouble seeing him as a "partner" versus a "boyfriend").

He gave me grief for using the words, "I don't want to put you out" last night.

Yeah, I think I need to LET him do partnery things and be more vested in this house/home. Doing them together will help... moreso than just treating my time with him as something to be kept on a pedestal.

I like how talking this stuff out can lead to some good insights, BTW. Thanks. :)

As for the "separating himself from the kids" thing, when I say "separate," I mean in a different room, maybe, or just not interacting with them. He doesn't tend to leave the house or anything. Again, my current, skewed "Quality Time" filter is seeing that as "not with them". However, he's present, does interact somewhat, but it's not in the "drop everything and BE TOGETHER" mode I seem to be focusing on. The funny thing is, when I was married, I was comfortable doing this type of thing with the kids... if I'm off in another room while they're doing something else, no big deal - they know where to find me. It's the perceived scarcity of time with them that makes me hoard that time, and as I talk this out, I realize that I sound really smothery and clingy.

Hm. Good insight and good food for thought. Balance, balance, balance. Holding onto something too tightly never tends to have the result you want, and I'm realizing that my knuckles are looking a bit white. Time to loosen up a bit.

Type A? Why, wherever did you get THAT idea? ;)
I take on so many things, don't like to say 'no', and just like to DO all the time.

Oy. Yeah.
Balance, YAH... Balance.
 
I wonder if part of the reason for you not wanting him to help on house items is because then it feels less like it is your house. You said that part of the reason you bought your house was to thumb your nose at people who said you couldn't do it by yourself. If you let him help you too much, then you won't be doing it by yourself and they'll be right. I think, if this is part of the reason, that you're probably doing it subconsciously, but I thought of it as I was reading your recent update and thought I'd bring it up.

I don't think letting him help you would be seen as a failure to be able to do it yourself, by the way. Part of being a responsible adult is knowing the people and resources you have around you and utilizing them in the best way possible to reach your goals. If a friend who wasn't your partner offered to help and had the skills necessary to help, do you think you'd have such a hard time accepting their help?
 
Hannahfluke said:
I don't think letting him help you would be seen as a failure to be able to do it yourself, by the way. Part of being a responsible adult is knowing the people and resources you have around you and utilizing them in the best way possible to reach your goals. If a friend who wasn't your partner offered to help and had the skills necessary to help, do you think you'd have such a hard time accepting their help?
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Hm. Good question. I *do* resist asking friends for help. I know I'd have had no problem with the woodpile if we'd had a "lumberjack party" or somesuch, and made an event out of getting the strong-arms to split wood while food and drink are offered (and now, that's sounding like a REALLY GOOD IDEA... Damn!). I have always been the one to do things FOR people, and really don't even consider asking others to help me out.

In Chops' case, I think that really limits my ability to fully consider him a partner, if I actively discourage him from doing stuff around here.

It's different when you're young and you first move in with a partner - you're building something from scratch, together. Now, I'm going in with a preexisting house (and mindset!) and having difficulty letting go of it enough to let him REALLY be a part of it.

On a related note, as I was eating lunch, I saw "Are You a Control Freak?" scroll up on my FB feed. I have a feeling I already know what the answer is. :rolleyes:

Balance. Letting go so I can be free to enjoy myself more. Letting go so that Chops can actually BE more of a partner, and this can be more his home. I used to consider myself really good at working under pressure, but when all my irons in the fire were fewer than the irons available to me now, it was manageable. Not so much nowadays...

Really, REALLY good food for thought, folks. Thanks. :)
 
Updated my external blog based on the recent series of posts on this one: http://frombaltictoboardwalk.blogspot.com/2015/01/resolution-2015-balance.html

Some good food for thought, and yes - elevating my relationship with Chops by putting our time on a pedestal is doing us and our relationship a disservice. Letting go a bit isn't easy, however, as my response to scarcity of time is to grasp tighter and hoard it.

Friday night was a bit of a speedbump in this regard, unfortunately. Clearly, our communication fell on its face. Chops was heading out for a coffee date (a "getting to know you" date with someone from OKC) on his way home from work. He stated he'd be home a bit later that night. I stated that I was cooking <x>. He stated that he'd eat with me.

First of all: passive-aggressive me needs to stop with the roundabout statements and say, "When do you think you will be home? I was hoping to eat dinner with you," rather than, "I was cooking." Instead, I think that asking when he'll be home is "controlling spouse" territory, and I back off. Back when I was married, these types of statements/questions from my ex WOULD have meant underlying disapproval of my going out, so I avoid making them myself. It does me a disservice... I'm not actually being controlling. It helps me gauge my evening, so I need to ASK.

Second of all, Chops had it in his brain that he'd be coming home later and eating leftovers, despite saying that he'd eat "with" me. I think he realized his mistake, though, as he just apologized on the phone. No excuses, no rationale. Just an, "I screwed up; I'm sorry."

So... bump in the road in that, when I'm trying to let go a bit of our time together, I feel as though a date is more important than us. That giving a little will turn into "give an inch, take a yard," and that puts me into the mindset of grasping even tighter. Especially on a Friday night when our time together outside of the "kid transfer hullaballoo" is short as it is.

So I did what any angry person with a hot meal in the stove and a bottle of wine picked out for the two of us would do. I opened the wine. ;) (And ate my supper, yes...)

A couple of glasses of wine in, and after putting the kids to bed, we talked more. Over the phone, I expressed that I was hurt and angry. When he came home, we talked a little bit more. By the time the kids went to bed, I'd emotionally dealt with the miscommunication, but blabbed all night (thanks, wine) about my insecurities and how this made me feel. I told him that I plan on being CRYSTAL clear next time, and while I don't want to insult him by clarifying statements like "I'll eat with you," I'm going to do just that.

He's decided that Friday night isn't the best night to do this sort of thing, since I enjoy having the together time before the kids arrive, so he's going to work on his scheduling. And his clarity.

I worried at one point that he was being intentionally vague for some reason, so I did ask him about the date. He was forthcoming about it - nothing really all that out of the ordinary (it was a "hey, let's do coffee and meet each other" type of thing, nothing really more) - and while he explained that he has no reason to hide anything from me (which I know), he took my insecurity and fleeting distrust in stride, and we had a good conversation. I ended the night feeling pretty much back to normal, which I think is HUGE compared to where I was, emotionally, just a year ago.

So, I dunno... the speedbumps seem to be getting easier to navigate, which is good. Especially when it's something that'd have sent me into a bigger tailspin not all that long ago. It helps that his relationship with Noa has shown, over time, that even as he gets closer to someone, he still WANTS to spend the time with me (and does, outside of onesie-twosie things). Experience is probably my best teacher. Show me, because anyone can tell me anything.

So tonight, he's home with me, and I think we'll try to knock more out in the bathroom. My new tile came in, and I love it. :)
 
Went through a writing period and posted some entries on my other blog within a week or so of each other. I have another post in the hopper that I decided to sit on for a while. I think I'll post it this weekend.

Anyhoo... things are going pretty well. I've been opening up the lines of communication with Xena a bit more, and that's going well (I re-followed her FB feed, and THAT'S been going well). Some envy regarding her relationship with Chops' son (Choplet) and how close they are, but I know the distance doesn't really work in my favor there.

In a previous post, I think Mags asked what changed, and I think *I* did. Pulling back and not having ANY expectations from Xena made it finally easier to just figure out how to deal with things myself. When I've brought things up in the past, she offers to fix it for me, which inevitably sets both of us up for failure, as she doesn't quite get what I'm upset about (and fails to fix it), and I fail to finish doing the work necessary to figure out how to deal with things. She's also offered to make changes, and then felt like I'm restricting her in some way because of those changes.

And when these efforts inevitably fail (because the solution isn't happening from the right place), it opens me up to resentment, which doesn't help the situation any... the communicate/fix/fail/resentment cycle just feeds on itself, in a bad way. I had to drop out of that for a while.

Some of it is our difference in communication style. I lay everything I'm feeling out on the table. I'm a verbal processor. Laying it out is usually my means of letting everyone know what I'm dealing with, so they don't think everything's hunky-dory and then BOOM - YAH has a meltdown. It's not a request for anyone to do anything... unless I then ask for something.

Xena hears my verbal dump and thinks I'm asking her to do something. The last time this disconnect was really made clear was the time she, Noa, Chops, and I were invited to hit the Luau together, and I expressed my concern that I'd feel like an Nth wheel (seems stupid to say fourth wheel... heh.). She felt like I was asking for her to change her behavior, and she felt that she wouldn't be able to spend time with her girlfriend in the way she wanted to, for risk of upsetting me. (FWIW, the Luau was crap, but we all had a good time)

Anyway, we got together at Christmas, and just had fun. Period. I'm considering doing another antique day with her at some point, although I'm going to be clear about what TIME to get together. :p

There are still things that drive me bananas (the nut allergy and "well, maybe I'll eat this"... just... AUGH!), but she's not my responsibility, and unless she's in my house (where I can refuse to offer food that might, y'know, KILL HER), it's her choice. If Chops wants to take on that responsibility, he can be my guest.

So... other stuff. Chops has been squeezing in dates here and there. Xena, at one point wanted to powwow about figuring out how to give Chops some extra time to do "Chops stuff" because he's been stretched for time lately, and I'm not all that sympathetic or willing to do so. A couple months ago, we talked about him trying to squeeze in a date with someone from OKC, and I said, "You've been upset about not having time to do the things you want to do, and now you're adding more people into the mix... I think one of your hobbies is getting to know people." I added that I won't really be all that sympathetic if he runs into even LESS time to do the other things he wants to do, and he understood. He agreed that he enjoys meeting people, and that yes - in a way, it *is* a hobby. At the least, it's an activity he enjoys.

So I'm not all that receptive to finding ways of giving him more time, when he's doing a great job of sucking all his time away all on his own. The topic hasn't come up again, but if it does, I'm just going to be blunt. *Shrug*

However, he's dating someone who owns a specialty wine and food shop. This could be promising. ;)

Snow is a PITA (2 feet plus in the blizzard a couple days ago), but the snowblower is working quite nicely, and it helped me chitchat with the new neighbors a bit when they went out with only two shovels. I could sympathize. :)

Anyway, the days alone can still be tough, but I'm working on remembering the things that nurture *me*. It's tougher in the winter, since I like yard work (and I didn't have the stuff necessary to tackle the mastic on the subfloor in the powder room), but I hope to keep finding things I can lose myself in. Onward and upward. And more snow today. :p

Edited to add: Oh! And it's DanceGirl's birthday today! My ex will be taking PokéGirl out to a hockey game tonight, so I'll have some time to take DanceGirl out for dinner/shopping. Guess I'd better update my .sig. :)
 
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Hey YAH, I've been a single secondary for the 4 1/2 years I've been with my poly partner. A lot of what you write resonates with me (and is highly entertaining to boot)!

I checked out your other blog http://frombaltictoboardwalk.blogspot.com/ for the first time today and I was excited (sort of?!) to see two issues I've been wrestling with lately. They are related. Your entry On Trust and Saturation both hit home.

My SO also loves meeting people. He's currently got 3 "life partners," a toddler, a teenager, and still dives deep in messages and/or goes on a date with a romantic interest every 6 months on average. 4+ years ago, I was one of those interests. So I can't complain, right? Except I now find myself gritting my teeth and bracing myself for the next new woman and the next new woman. How will this love interest reorganize the polycule? How will this next love interest handle limited time? What will that love interest's jealousies and hang-ups be that need to be confronted/dealt with/navigated? What new, fun issues will this partner's sudden change in circumstances bring up between he and me?

I've been tense/touchy about the women he flirts and discusses sex with lately. I call it poly fatigue. He gets defensive, like I'm challenging his freedom and don't trust him. <sigh>

My partner doesn't feel poly saturated, he says he is "open" to new relationships but doesn't seek them out. He could be completely happy with no new partners. They just land in his lap. I have arrived at my poly dilution point, I think. When you mused "what is a partner?" I was dying to know the answer.

I haven't posted my issues in the Poly Relationship Corner because I can pretty much anticipate the arguments and counter-arguments. I hope it's okay that I've shared some frustration here. It's not all bad, promise. Anywho, I wanted to thank you for your external blog and for crafting some verbiage that I can use!

Back to figuring out where I fit in this whole poly thing again.

Oh, and Happy Birthday to DanceGirl!
 
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Hi, PaperGrace!

I'm glad that something in the blog resonated with you. It's absolutely tough when you're reaching your dilution point, but the other person doesn't feel anywhere near saturated. Sort of feels like you're being the "bad guy", but you're not. You're just feeling the pinch.

Have you shared those posts with your partner? I'm wondering what he thinks.

Here's hoping for the best - and no worries about the venting; if you've read this particular thread for any length of time, it's something I do quite often. ;) It can help to just bark it out at times, see what you've written, and then go "oh... huh" and put it all together a bit differently once the frustration is out.

All the best!
 
Oh, he's getting those blog posts. :) He's working today, so I'll send him the links tomorrow. We like to trade reading material.

We've talked about a lot of this stuff, but I'm always up for trying a different angle, another perspective. In the end, tho, just being heard isn't giving me peace and ease. I'm feeling like something's gotta give. On the other hand, no one can give me peace and ease besides me, yadda, yadda, blah. Where are my Zen podcasts?
 
Rant rant rant...

Ugh... Figured I'd rant here, since I don't really have a particularly good outlet otherwise. Ranting at Chops only goes so far, since it's really just a whole blend of circumstances making me all bitey. Gnarr...

It is snowing like a mofo again today.

The snow is a PITA. Not so bad for me, really... I am lucky enough to have a job where I have some flexibility - I can take personal time off and just stay home, since if I don't, I'll have a foot of snow in the driveway and no place to put the van.

The days when Chops isn't here and isn't scheduled to be here, I'm actually having a lot less of a problem this year now that I can work the stinkin' wood stove and snowblower. Last year, I beat myself up over not getting a snowblower because Chops (meaning well), was promising to help out and wasn't able to until a few storms into the season. Last season was BRUTAL when it came to storms... it felt like another foot of snow every 4-5 days. Blech. This time, I can do it myself just fine (now that we have the snowblower)... although I just remembered that I forgot to fill the gas can yesterday. Whoops. :eek:

Anyhoo... self-reliance is much better this time around. Now I get to worry about Chops. *sigh*

The days that it's snowing and he's scheduled to be here, he is damned determined to get here. He's also damned determined to get to work, as his employers screwed with his vacation date last year (Oh, did we tell you vacation was based on your anniversary date? Nope, it's based on the calendar year now...), and he's in the hole for vacation after spending a few days off helping me when mom passed away.

Bereavement leave for a poly situation? Don't make me laugh. He doesn't even get to bring multiple people to the Christmas party. :rolleyes:

Anyway... I get that. There are very firm definitions about what "immediate family" is, and my mom didn't fit that definition.

Now, Xena's mom is sick and is probably going to pass soon, herself. Chops is busting his hump to make sure he works, since he has no vacation time to actually take when it does happen, but he's taking the time off anyway. It's just a friggin' mess, and his employers seem to have the emotional understanding of a two-year-old.

The distance between his home with me and his workplace is normally around 1.5 hours in normal conditions. It took him three hours to get to work this morning, and that's before the brunt of the storm hits. His coworkers are like, "Meh, we all live within 10 minutes so who cares..."

So... I'm irritated with his workplace. I'm irritated with the fact that he was screwed over on his vacation time. I'm irritated that my distance from everything else is part of the reason Chops puts himself into undesirable (and potentially dangerous) driving situations. I'm irritated that his car died and he's driving my old Saturn that weighs about 8 pounds and handles like a piece of paper in the snow.

And I'm irritated because I'm PMS'ing... I'll admit that the timing stinks. :p

Chops is clear that this is his decision. His employers aren't making him drive - he considers his distance from the office his own issue, so it's his to deal with. It's his decision to consider this house his home with me, and to live here half-time, even given the travel nightmare when there's a storm. I told him that when the weather's this crappy, I'd almost rather he spend the day/night at his other home, since it's much closer to his workplace and I'd feel better about his safety. But he is adamant about this being his home too, and it's his decision to travel.

And he's right; it is... but I end up pressing my own guilt button pretty heavily by thinking that if it weren't for me, he wouldn't be in this situation. That regardless of where he worked, it'd always be in an inconvenient place from one of his homes.

So my ranting and worrying only goes so far - it's his decision, which I get, but the situation just stinks. Maybe if he got studded snow tires and an anvil to stuff in the trunk of that car, I'd feel a bit better. :rolleyes:

Bah. Rant over, I guess. I'm sputtering and just needed to get it out. I know it's his decision. I'm grateful for that decision, to be honest. Just when the weather makes the travel difficult or dangerous, it bugs the crap out of me and gets me aggravated with every contributing factor under the sun.

Eventually, when the kids grow up and out on their own, he and I can consider moving. He's already thinking about the benefits of moving up to a state that has no income tax, but he has no idea how that would impact his shared custody of his daughter, etc. Clearly, there are other folks who would be impacted too. Best to wait this one out a while and think about it.

For the time being, this is what we get used to. I'll get used to it eventually, I'm sure, but uuuuuuuugh.

On a good note (because life is better than this one whine, for sure), in addition to the self-sufficiency being MUCH better than it was last year, the family thing is going extremely well. We spent time with Chops' family last night watching the Super Bowl, and I got home in time to see that CRAZY final play. Holy crap! :eek: And yep... sorry, Seattle-ites, but WOO HOO! :) Now that some time has gone by, spending time with his family feels more like "YAH" and/or "Xena" time with family and not "Chops' Girls" which always aggravated me. I'm me, not part of a set, and I've really been feeling more like *I* have a relationship with them now. It's nice. :) Chops' sister and her BF have worked out a schedule with us to get together every month, and this month it coincides with my baby sister's visit, which will be a lot of fun.

So there's plenty of good, and I do want to keep reminding myself of that, despite the occasional rant. Shaking my fist at the weather doesn't actually DO anything, but hey... ranting can still feel a bit better. Thanks for putting up with it. ;)
 
YouAreHere said:
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Chops is clear that this is his decision. His employers aren't making him drive - he considers his distance from the office his own issue, so it's his to deal with. It's his decision to consider this house his home with me, and to live here half-time, even given the travel nightmare when there's a storm. I told him that when the weather's this crappy, I'd almost rather he spend the day/night at his other home, since it's much closer to his workplace and I'd feel better about his safety. But he is adamant about this being his home too, and it's his decision to travel.

And he's right; it is...
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Just to normalize this a bit - it IS his decision...and he is the one that needs to deal with consequences, which includes the stress that it puts on you worrying about him.

When we were growing up my dad chose to buy a house in the (then) sparsely populated burbs of a (fairly) large city - so that we could grow up with grass and gardens and trees. Even though this meant an hour+ commute for him every day (with an extra hour or more if snow - SW PA).

I chose to buy a "Forever-Home" in the middle of nowhere ... with a 45 minute commute instead of a 25 minute commute from our house in the burbs ... because I LIKE feeling like I am "on vacation" the minute I get home (no people, no neighbors, no noise...bliss!). Every decision has trade-offs - the boys worry about my drive when the weather is bad - so we buy cars that can handle it, snow tires, etc.

If I ACTUALLY can't make it home, we have contingency plans...life goes on. You do the best you can with the choices that you have.
 
Thanks, JaneQ - I know it's his decision, and he's dealt with my worry for two winters now (the first winter here, I moved in at the end of Feb, so there wasn't much of it). It's the same thing as my having to deal with the snow, etc., because I wanted to buy a house post-divorce rather than rent.

That said, things just took a crappy turn tonight. Xena's mom passed after a long illness, and Chops ended up going south to be with her. I was fine with the snow - we tested the snowblower a few days ago, and it ran great. Of course, for some reason, it wouldn't run right tonight, and then eventually wouldn't start without smoke coming out of the muffler (d'oh). After calling up Chops for a walkthrough, and getting nowhere, he's feeling crappy that I was left with over a foot of snow and no snowblower, and while I was frustrated with the *snowblower*, I wasn't trying to get Chops wound up while he has other stuff to worry about.

*sigh*

Anyway, one of my neighbors helped bail me out after a while, which was nice. First time I've met this one, so it was nice hearing a little bit more about the neighborhood. :) My back is a smidge grumpy with me, though, and it's time for a damned drink.

Came in to a text from my aunt telling me that my grandfather's been brought to the hospital, with no more information. He had bronchitis which turned into pneumonia, so I'm sure his being at the hospital is a bad sign, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed until I hear more.

When it rains it friggin' pours. Time to just sit in front of the wood stove for a bit and hope for the best...
 
Hugs, YAH, winter sucks! I never got around to getting a snowblower as planned in the late fall, one thing after another kept getting in the way. I just went ahead this past storm, and hired a young guy I saw plowing out a neighbor's place! Such a relief, and not that expensive.

Since then I have heard horror stories about snowblowers crapping out just when you need them most. Like yours. UGH!

I am sorry you're feeling overwhelmed with Chops' choice in his life, 2 primary partners, one secondary (if you want to categorize it that way), and all the life issues and complications that entails dealing with, plus not being able to resist going on dates with even more women.

Of course, like PaperGrace, I can relate to that, big time, since my ex bf Ginger was also spreading himself way too thin. It sucks when they think they are doing great, because...NRE, but you, the established partner, feel neglected, and when you complain, they are all, "What is your problem? I love you!"

Of course, Chops isn't Aspergers, I don't think, nor have you mentioned narcissistic tendencies, but it's something to consider for some people, so I thought I would mention it for anyone reading. Of course, I went over it ad infinitum ad nauseum in my own blog last summer and fall.

And now it is snowing again. I hope just a couple inches this time! Warm hugs coming your way from a more southern state (ha!).
 
Thanks, Mags! You crazy southerner, you! (Ha!)

This winter and last have been a real PITA when it comes to actually getting outside to do anything I *like* to do (as opposed to snow removal). Chops did get the snowblower going last night (carburetor was clogged, and a retaining bolt was stripped, so it leaked all over the place).

He felt like an ass, but he had the snowblower going just days before the storm and it ran fine - neither one of us thought I was being left in the lurch. Such are random mechanical failures, I guess. :p

I've mostly been okay with Chops's dating, except when we miscommunicate and I end up eating dinner alone when I expected to be eating it with him (chewed him out, so I don't think THAT will happen again). He's actually been very good about it not impacting our time together, given the number of dates he's actually been on versus the ones that have impacted us. I'm guessing he dates mostly when Xena is working evenings, which seems to work out well. He's open enough to talk about the people he meets, and I do occasionally ask, so that part's all good.

I'm just not all that sympathetic to the "I don't have time for me" complaint, which, to his credit, he hasn't said to me in a looooooooong time. Maybe Xena caught a vent of his a couple months back, which might have prompted the whole idea of discussing ways to give him more time. Not sure.

At any rate, that discussion never materialized, so I'm not too worried about it. He knows my feelings about it, and I'm not really going to feel too badly about "looking like the bad guy" if we do have that conversation. It's his choice to date and add more people to the mix. He's the one who needs to determine what he has time for and what he doesn't - not me, not Xena. It doesn't mean he won't vent from time to time, I'm sure, but I'm not going to drop anything to fix it for him, either (much like I vent about things that I don't expect anyone to fix, so I can relate on that point). :)

At this point, his "spreading thin" is impacting himself more than it is me, anyway. The thing that tends to get me is awful timing. When do the multi-foot snowstorms hit? When he's south with Xena, of course. It's almost comical at this point.

Almost.

Anyhoo - no narc tendencies that I can see (especially when I compare him against my ex, who was masterful at cutting me down and getting me to press my own "guilt" button), and no Aspergers. He's a good guy, occasionally overwhelmed and making mistakes, but the timing of it all with the snow, and the mechanical failure just pile on the normal aggravations of winter.

And my bathroom is still unfinished. Growl. :mad:
Probably going to have to take up the subfloor just to get moving again.

Update on my grandfather: He seems to have had a stroke, but is improving. They're moving him to a rehab facility today, and I'm hoping to see him this weekend. He's 94, so I know he's not going to be around forever, but I'm still crossing my fingers for a good recovery.
 
YouAreHere said:
Hi GK,

Me, I'm a pendulum. If I nurture feelings for one, they pull away from another. If I were to maintain a poly relationship for myself, (I believe) it'd have to be something a bit less entwined - I don't think I could sustain two partner-type relationships, because I'd rip myself apart with the closeness-distance-closeness-distance cycle. A more casual, FWB type of thing? I could probably sustain something like that if I had the desire. I don't. <shrug>

One aside to this whole topic (not related to your question) is that I find it amazing how polarizing this distinction (mono/poly) can be. Most of us accept that various things lie on a spectrum: gender attraction for one. Why can't mono/poly be the same way? There are folks who are "hard-wired" mono or poly (i.e., on either end of the spectrum), and there are folks who are more fluid and could be happy in either type of relationship style. I don't like the polarization, and I think it only fuels the more enlightened/less enlightened crap.
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I know I'm several pages behind (I've been reading your blog each day for the last several days), but this jumped out at me. I am in my first poly relationship, and am trying to figure out where I fall on the poly spectrum. Am I monogamous? Poly? Monogamish? I only have one partner right now (and he's all I want), but that doesn't mean that I won't explore other potential relationships in the future.
 
I'm sorry to hear about your Grandfather, and all the issues you have been having lately. :( I hope that he is able to make a solid recovery.

So much of what you've said resonates with me. I'm glad that you've been writing this blog, and I'm about to check out the other one.
 
YouAreHere said:
Hi, PaperGrace!

I'm glad that something in the blog resonated with you. It's absolutely tough when you're reaching your dilution point, but the other person doesn't feel anywhere near saturated. Sort of feels like you're being the "bad guy", but you're not. You're just feeling the pinch.

Have you shared those posts with your partner? I'm wondering what he thinks.
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First I had a go at two of your blog posts. Both brought me insights.

"More people means more complexity. More moving parts to break down or begin to wear against each other." - On Trust (and Really Bad Automotive Analogies)

My first reaction was Yes, really bad analogy! In my life, the added people are like more moving parts with more complexity but they are more like a newfangled transmission - smoother, faster, stronger and able to go places we hadn't been able to go without them. Sure they could primarily add more potential breakdowns or begin to wear against each other but if they primarily did that I'd not want to add anyone to my life.

It was the feelz expressed in your blog the made the difference for me though. PaperGrace often tries to express her feelings (mostly fear) when a new person looks like they may enter the mix. While we know that trust is not the word to use (we totally resonate with what you wrote on that) we're never quite sure how to express what is going on when PaperGrace gets apprehensive about what I might do and what the new person might do. Your post pointed to it better than anything I've read or written thus far.

I'm fond of arguing that what I do with another partner doesn't affect PaperGrace, assuming what I do doesn't take time away from the two of us. She argues that each new partner (and even a potential partner) causes her some grief. After reading your post I understood much more of PaperGrace's point of view. She points to places where I could flex for time and energy around her if it weren't for other partners to consider. She points to the predictable shift in practices around sharing experiences as new people in the mix often want privacy as the new relationship forms. This creates inflexibility in conversations as we honor the requests for privacy from the new partner.

For example, PaperGrace and I could head out to conferences and add a few more nights that included sleeping in the next day like we used to - if I didn't have a toddler at home. Adding that new child to the mix was wonderful but it did result in a big drop in flexibility with PaperGrace.

So while adding a new partner to the mix doesn't cause PaperGrace to think that the "car is unreliable or needs service," she does brace for inflexibility.

Short version: your blog has a made a difference for me, for us.
 
Glad the analogy didn't totally stop you from reading. :) Glad you're enjoying the blog as well.

So... some new thought exercises and good conversations over the last couple weeks or so. It's been interesting... and somewhat healing in a way.

Conversations:
Chops and I had the "Partner" talk. Not what "partner" means to ME, but what it means to HIM, and it was finally nice to hear it in his own words.

I believed that his freedom and spontaneity were so important to him, that the next new person could potentially be the next "game changer" in our relationship, especially if any new person could potentially be just as important to him as Xena and I are. I had this Sword of Damocles hanging over my head (that ain't no criiiime), wondering if the next person he dated would be another potential partner he'd want to add to the mix, and wondering what that meant for us.

So... He *does* value his spontaneity, and he hates planning, so he's never going to give me a definitive "I will spend the rest of my life with you and bla bla bla." However, he made it clear that he made commitments to both me and Xena, and he takes that seriously. He doesn't want any new relationships to impact what we have, or what he and Xena have. His priority is us, and he doesn't want to take away anything that's important to either of us (which, in my case is time). He *wants* to grow old with me. He *wants* to retire somewhere warm with me (with NO SNOW). He wants a lifetime with me, but he can't (and won't) ever promise that we'll have that.

And that's okay.

Now, I realize that this is no insurance that there won't be a "game-changer" in the future, but just knowing where he's coming from is huge. Just knowing that, at least right now, he's prioritizing us and doesn't want to pick away at what we have... it lets me relax a bit and quit worrying about the "what ifs". It's nice to know we're on the same page.

We've been communicating really well lately in general, which is nice. Good communication, not too much in the way of crazy external aggravations (the snow has taken a break, thank GOD!), and just a nice time when we're together lately. Even if I'm asking him to take out the trash because I'm done with treating him like a guest. It's been good. :)

Thought Exercises:
1)
Chops has been home with me for the past two days. Tonight, he heads home with Xena, which is standard, and fine.

Today at work, it was an... interesting day. Lots of passionate discussions (not-quite-arguments) and lots of heavy meetings. Good stuff - stuff I *thrive* on, actually (I love arguing technical details and finding consensus). Then I went grocery shopping on the way home and got hit with the fact that after such a *great* amount of interaction at work, I was about to head home to an empty house.

Cue the "down" feeling. That "electrical system shutting down" sound? Yeah. That was me. Going from a big day full of interaction to... nothing.

Extrovert? Naaaaaah. Me? :rolleyes:

Anyway. I started mentally rolling through all the things I need to do: dishes, clean the fish tank, cook dinner, finish vacation planning, etc. All the distractions. I got home and thought, "I need a drink."

And then I caught myself. I realized I was feeling that way and FINALLY took my own advice, and asked myself what I could do to nourish myself - what I would ENJOY, rather than simply finding something to distract myself.

A couple days ago, I signed up for an Amazon Local offer for an online bartending course. After remembering that, I was kind of excited to have a shot at starting that, and got a little giddy inside.

That was the turning point.
I didn't even have to DO it (and, in fact, didn't). Just knowing that I had something available to me that was fun, and that I was looking forward to doing... that was enough. It wasn't a distraction. It wasn't one of the "have-to-do's" that I've been putting off. It was something I was excited about. And after feeling that, it was enough to pull me out of my funk and not feel quite so down and lonely about being alone.

Funny thing is, I never ended up starting the course. Just knowing it was there was enough to help my mood, and I ended up doing a whole bunch of other things until it was actually too late to start. Go figure. :)

Baby steps, but wow that felt good.

Thought Exercise #2 is a bit more involved and will come a bit later. Gotta satisfy the character limit. :)
 
Your conversation with Chops is nearly identical to one I just had with Julian, right down to the retiring somewhere warm, without snow!

I am also okay with "no guarantees," because let's face it -- nobody has guarantees, even married mono couples who've been together since the days of Sonny and Cher. Any sense of security about the future that involves everything going exactly according to plan is a false sense of security.

Looking forward to your next thought exercise!
 
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