Holy crap... where do I even begin? This "post an update every three months" thing is *so* not what I had in mind when I said I should write more. D'oh.
An update on the stuff from last time:
The Choplet Saga Continues, Sorta...
I've pretty much thrown in the towel on this one. In fact, it looks like Choplet is pretty much now not talking to Chops unless he needs something. Barely any baby pics, no texts, nothing. I'd been holding on to the baby gifts for a while and finally asked for an address I could send them to, since we clearly weren't going to get together any time soon (and I wanted the baby to be able to use the stuff while it still fit!). Nothing. Repeat request. Nothing. Choplet moves. I request on FB. Choplet's GF says they'll be getting together with family soon, so I can see them then. They meet with Chops' mom without telling ANYONE else. Just... wtf, you know? I'm not going to keep trying with a brick wall. I'll be happy to see them when I see them, but I'm done trying so hard. If the stuff sits until baby is two years old, it's not for lack of trying.
Sigh.
FB got a bit weird as well, when Choplet posted something so offensive, Chops actually reported it and got it taken down (whoa...). THAT has since cooled down and he's back to posting a bajillion pictures of trucks again, but I'm sure that isn't helping the whole "no contact with dad" thing at the moment.
The FB Thing (not with Choplet, but with Xena)
Meh, my worries with this one from the last go-around were kind of a non-starter. I haven't noticed any difference in the way Chops interacts with me on FB, and I still try to ignore how he and Xena interact on FB, so there ya go.
That said, I really do try to avoid their profiles on FB when they're off on, say, an anniversary trip together. I feel like I'm far too close to *their* relationship, and it really unnerves me. It also tends to flare up that FOMO (fear of missing out) or competitive side of me when I start comparing what they're doing with what we've done... case in point, the last couple times we've been in Boston, we haven't been able to do the Harpoon tour like we usually do. On their anniversary trip to Boston, they went. Not only did I see the check-in on FB, but I got a text with a picture, and it really got the emotions unraveled a bit.
Why?
Comparison/envy: *We* haven't been able to go twice now, but *they're* there, and I'm envious.
TMI: I appreciate Chops trying to "keep me with him" and help me feel like I'm on his mind (which I like), but I don't need (nor want) to know where they are, what beer they're having... I don't want the play-by-play. It's enough to know they're enjoying their weekend. The play-by-play just encourages the comparison/envy.
So I had to ask him to dial it back and maintain radio silence about the details of their trip. He was confused, and it led to some good talks afterward about "trying to keep in touch with me" vs. "how much is too much". I feel for him, because I know that's not an easy line to balance. And when emotions rule (as they do in this case), it's not a rational line to pick out, either.
My "Seven Things"
Good lord, I've fallen off the wagon HARD on this. Not much reading, not much creative stuff, not much writing... sigh.
Still, to give credit where credit's due, I *have* read more books this year than I'd read in 2015. I *am* working more on treating myself. I have not really felt a need to go back to counseling once I started focusing more on myself (yay!), although I still occasionally get into funks where I don't really want to do much of anything. 2016 is an improvement, even if I'm not hitting the bar I set for myself.
Other Stuff...
The Poly Party
My .sig needs an overhaul.
The updated
Dramatis Personae is as follows:
Me
Chops
Xena
Okay, duh.
Chops is in relationships with:
Me (nesting partner)
Xena (nesting partner)
Noa (together a couple years now - not quite "partner" but more than "GF", I think)
City (on-again-off-again, mostly just platonic get-togethers)
CheeseGirl (not sure where this is going)
Curls (newest relationship, dating somewhat regularly)
Looks like a lot, but from what I've seen, his time priorities are such that he'll try to squeeze in time with Noa when their schedules allow, and then time with the others is all based on what's left over. He's pretty good about squeezing in a couple hours here or there for lunch, but he's always been pretty clear (from what he says) that he really doesn't have much availability. City and CheeseGirl don't really ask for much time. I think Curls is still figuring where she fits in, and is trying to not rock the boat. She's SUPER grateful for the time she does get with Chops (and I'm almost uncomfortable when she thanks me as effusively as she does when she gets time with him on one of "our" nights, but it's sweet, and she's a nice person).
Xena is now dating Shaggy, and he has another GF, Bunny.
Phew.
So... summer is a time for cookouts, correct? Xena wanted to hold a party so the entire polycule could get together, hang out, and meet. And we did.
City and CheeseGirl were not on the list (they weren't really all that interested in meeting the group, since they're kind of outside it all anyway), but everyone else was. And what a friggin' party.
Nerd Girl over here took some time to sit back and marvel at how different (and how similar) everyone was. Noa and I have a quick rapport, and are very similar in ways. Curls and Xena seemed very similar in ways (and different in others). Shaggy and Bunny were pretty laid-back and quiet. And Bunny made the best damned bacon guacamole... like, ever. It was a group of people who probably wouldn't have had a lot in common (as a group) outside of the various relationships, and it made for a really interesting party, and a lot of great discussions (although Curls totally took me to task for my love of Crunch Berries over PB Crunch... lol
).
It was nice to put faces with names, and to interact with everyone in person, rather than just seeing comments on FB, or hearing about things second- or third-hand.
Overall, a success (despite the small hangover the next day)!
I'm a Hinge! (Of Sorts)
Not sure how much room I'll have for this post, but I'll see... I may need a part two, and that may have to wait until Chops and I talk tomorrow night a bit more.
I know I've talked about this a bit before, but as it stands, I have come to realize (I mean REALLY realize) that I am pretty much doing my own balancing act as a hinge between relationships: my relationship with my kids, and my relationship with Chops. And those two worlds do NOT always overlap very well.
I know Chops tends to get irritated by the way the kids act, or how I parent at times. I know that I tend to drop things in favor of the kids (I *do* prioritize that relationship, since I know the kids will be up and out in a few years... plus it's my job as parent to be there as such). It makes things difficult emotionally when Chops is here on a weekend, and my time with him and my time with the kids overlaps. He will tend to distance himself, which gets me wound up and stressed out, and we end up feeling all wonky until we talk about it.
I suppose I can relate to how difficult it must be for Chops to have the desire for "kitchen table poly" and for it not to work out in practice at all. That's effectively what I'm dealing with here, except you can substitute "blended family" for "kitchen table poly". Despite my hopes, I don't think that's ever going to happen... there will always be that separation there, and it does lead to some significant stress on my part as I try to engage everyone (and get all wound up when Chops distances himself).
Chops is much more "this is what's going to happen, and as kids you can just deal with it", and I'm more "let's see what we can all agree upon". It drives Chops crazy, but he doesn't want me to change how I act, or change who I am... it just causes him to distance himself until the kids go back to their dad's.
Meanwhile, I get no feedback as to what set him off in the first place, and have no idea how to recover, other than waiting (maybe days) until we can have some alone time to discuss it. Having that feeling hanging over your head sucks.
So... we talked a bit the other night. It's not my job to try to keep everyone happy, but as things are now, I try to figure out what's wrong (and what I can change) if he just stays silent. I said that if it's not entirely my burden to bear, then he needs to step up and tell me what's wrong when something could still be done about it, or just accept that things *aren't* going to get better if nobody does anything, and I need to try to just drop that desire to keep everyone happy (because it ain't working). At this point, his distancing of himself only makes me focus on the kids more (and distance myself from him while he's grumpy) - may as well go have fun with the kids if I'm getting the sour face and monosyllabic answers from Chops. I guess we'll have another talk tomorrow night, so hopefully we can get out of this weird hole. It's honestly one of the few real compatibility issues we seem to have, and I do hate feeling like I have to choose between the kids and him when their time overlaps.
I suggested maybe, if this isn't going to work, we limit the amount of weekends he's here with me. I don't know if he's thought about that or not. I'll find out tomorrow.
(Over the character limit, so off to part 2)