About to marry into a throuple

Three people CAN fit in a king, but there are a lot of variables.

Whoever moves the least and can handle the most heat should be in the middle. I can't sleep in the middle, otherwise I wake up in a puddle of sweat and my entire body hurts from feeling like I can't move without disturbing two other humans. So I would only share a bed with one partner at a time.

Why not have overnights now to figure out what works for you? It is possible to just sleep without sex all night so you aren't compromising your morals?
Not loving this, but I don't move a lot when sleeping and am always cold, so I sound like a good candidate. lol
 
That is three rooms for three people, so each one gets their own bedroom/office combo, with their own closets for their own stuff.

When you want to share space together, I suppose the master bedroom could have a bed situation that could fit all three, if that's the biggest room, like a queen with a twin bed that could be put together or angled as needed. With king-sized beds -- all the sizes of them, from king, California king, Wyoming king, to Alaskan king, etc., the bedding can be more expensive, and a drag to wash because it's so bulky.

If one person runs hot, or the middle person gets tired of trying to get out to use the toilet, you might come to appreciate a queen bed with a twin that can pivot alongside or out to be an "L" shape, or even a twin XL over queen bunk beds with twin on top, so you can rotate who is up in the twin.

The limits of your budget, bedroom space, and your laundry situation will tell you what you can realistically do. There is also aging. What you can/feel like doing in your late 20s may not be what you feel like doing at 50+, as your body ages. So there may be various bedroom solutions over the years, not just one.

Galagirl
All helpful, thank you so much!
 
It's clear you have such disdain for what you see as my naivete you are going to pick more and more things to ask me about condescendingly and never get anywhere. You probably are correct in some of your condescension, and also unfair in other parts. I'm not interested in sorting it out. I appreciate the links, but if you are so annoyed by me, why waste so much time writing a super long response under the guise of "helping"? If I'm so annoying and so naive, why not just ignore me?
Hi Kaitlinga, all the members here are trying to figure out the reasons why you do the things you do, so they can all make a clear assessment about the situation and help you the best way they can.

I'm relatively new here on the board, but I'm sure most of the OGs that are here now have seen their fair share of people going into these kind of dynamics and having it blowing up in their face due to NRE, etc.

Of course we understand that every situation is different, but we're all here trying to do due diligence by asking questions.
 
Not loving this, but I don't move a lot when sleeping and am always cold, so I sound like a good candidate.
Separate/overlapping vs straight shared blankets help, so everyone can stick a leg out for temperature regulation too.

Honestly though... I agree with others that you should each have a bed big enough for two in your rooms, in case sleeping all together ends up not being super-feasible at various times.
 
Hi Kaitlinga, all the members here are trying to figure out the reasons why you do the things you do, so they can all make a clear assessment about the situation and help you the best way they can.

I'm relatively new here on the board, but I'm sure most of the OGs that are here now have seen their fair share of people going into these kind of dynamics and having it blowing up in their face due to NRE, etc.

Of course we understand that every situation is different, but we're all here trying to do due diligence by asking questions.
Fair, and I admittedly overreacted based on the *number* of questions in the same post (feeling overwhelming) and the tone of some of those questions (which I do find problematic), but I wholly admit I overstated in response, and for that I apologize. As I said originally, a lot of the doubts probably *are* fair. I'm not in denial about that.
 
Fair, and I admittedly overreacted based on the *number* of questions in the same post (feeling overwhelming) and the tone of some of those questions (which I do find problematic), but I wholly admit I overstated in response, and for that I apologize. As I said originally, a lot of the doubts probably *are* fair, I'm not in denial about that.
Understandable. It's a lot. That's why we ask the questions for you to be prepared for your next phase, and hopefully those could be of help.
 
Greetings kaitlinga,
Welcome to our forum.

You seem to have a pretty solid plan, for how you will navigate this throuple. I myself am in an MFM V; the three of us share a home where I have my own bed/bath. Everyone is different, so you have to find out what works for you. Also be aware that you are in the NRE stage, so you won't see many of the potential problems until after the three of you have been together for a while. First year forming, second year storming, third year norming, is what they usually say. Just take it one step at a time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
 
Understandable. It's a lot. That's why we ask the questions, for you to be prepared for your next phase, and hopefully those could be of help.
To respond to the gist of those questions:
~I've messed around, but not been brought to climax by another person, nor brought them to climax. (I do own a vibrator, and have for a decade.)
~In my mind we will all three be married, although I realize no organized church will see it that way. For legal purposes I'll be married to Samantha, and we'll have contracts filled out with Taylor. To me we are all committed, will all take part in the ceremony, and will all be married. I do realize that wouldn't be a common opinion in the general public or, apparently, on this board.
~ I have read a lot more on this topic than people assume. "Most" of the books/articles linked on the bibliography? Most might be a big word, but close. I've read 2 of the books, part of another, and several of the articles.
~ We don't really treat ourselves as having an "established" couple with me as an add on. They hadn't been dating long (at all) when we all met, and had only gotten fairly serious in the couple weeks before we met. We do (and will) have interactions, dates, etc., with just two of us (rather than three), but we do most things as a triad, and the dynamic is different than a lot of triads because there wasn't a well-established norm before me.... We've established norms together.
~ We aren't all on the EXACT same page about religion and all of this, but close enough that they were willing to respect my wishes. It probably does impact why we are getting married within 18 months of starting, but 18 months isnt exacly 6 months... We still didn't SPRINT.
~ We want to try sharing a bedroom, with the second bedroom being an office space with a bed for when someone is sick. We can't afford a three-bedroom house at moment anyway, but also our goal is to give one bedroom for typical use a shot, and see how it goes.


Bed update:
~ Ordered an extra wide King today (same as a king but almost 3 feet wider). Next decision is who gets the middle. Taylor is asking that it not be him, since he's already the odd man out on legal marriage, and S and I think that's fair. Neither of us really want middle, so we are debating taking turns vs flipping a coin vs making me middle because I tend to not overheat when I sleep (and S struggles with overheating).
 
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There are many other rental places outside of AirBnB if you want to do more conscious travelling. But it will at least give you more freedom.
So we are kind of zoning in on Spain, and the biggest problem is I'm having trouble finding big beds in airbnbs or vrbos in Spain, because I think they just aren't common there. I can find them in SOME nicer hotels, but then that's more eyes on us honeymooning as a triad, and more importantly, less space overall. The apartment rental sounds great, because more room to spread out than a hotel. But then worried about spending honeymoon with three of us in a small bed. I've found a couple that LOOK larger in the photos, so leaning that way probably, but (1) the options are limited, (2) it means trusting photos, cause they don't really label size of bed super well (and it isn't a filter option on a search).
 
We are zoning in on Spain. The biggest problem is I'm having trouble finding big beds in airbnbs or vrbos in Spain, because I think they just aren't common there. I can find them in SOME nicer hotels, but then that's more eyes on us honeymooning as a triad, and more importantly less space overall. The apartment rental sounds great, because more room to spread out than a hotel. But then worried about spending honeymoon with three of us in a small bed. I've found a couple that LOOK larger in the photos, so leaning that way probably, but (1) the options are limited, (2) it means trusting photos cause they don't really label size of bed super well (and it isn't a filter option on a search).
We would usually call/e-mail beforehand to confirm if it's a king-sized bed, and ask for an extra bed, because we all want to take turns having our own space.

In your case, you could check if there is an extra one-person bed. Or are you planning to sleep in one bed your whole honeymoon?
 
To respond to the gist of those questions:
~I've messed around, but not been brought to climax by another person, nor brought them to climax. (I do own a vibrator, and have for a decade.)
~In my mind we will all three be married, although I realize no organized church will see it that way. For legal purposes I'll be married to Samantha, and we'll have contracts filled out with Taylor. To me we are all committed, will all take part in the ceremony, and will all be married. I do realize that wouldn't be a common opinion in the general public or, apparently, on this board.
~ I have read a lot more on this topic than people assume. "Most" of the books/articles linked on the bibliography? Most might be a big word, but close. I've read 2 of the books, part of another, and several of the articles.
~ We don't really treat ourselves as having an "established" couple with me as an add on. They hadn't been dating long (at all) when we all met, and had only gotten fairly serious in the couple weeks before we met. We do (and will) have interactions, dates, etc., with just two of us (rather than three), but we do most things as a triad, and the dynamic is different than a lot of triads because there wasn't a well-established norm before me.... We've established norms together.
~ We aren't all on the EXACT same page about religion and all of this, but close enough that they were willing to respect my wishes. It probably does impact why we are getting married within 18 months of starting, but 18 months isnt exacly 6 months... We still didn't SPRINT.
~ We want to try sharing a bedroom, with the second bedroom being an office space with a bed for when someone is sick. We can't afford a three-bedroom house at moment anyway, but also our goal is to give one bedroom for typical use a shot, and see how it goes.


Bed update:
~ Ordered an extra wide King today (same as a queen but almost 3 feet wider). Next decision is who gets the middle. Taylor is asking that it not be him, since he's already the odd man out on legal marriage, and S and I think that's fair. Neither of us really want middle, so we are debating taking turns vs flipping a coin vs making me middle because I tend to not overheat when I sleep (and S struggles with overheating).
I mean you don’t have to do the exact same thing every night…
 
I've messed around, but not been brought to climax by another person, nor brought them to climax. (I do own a vibrator, and have for a decade.)
Is not climaxing or helping someone else to cum part of your morals?

Have Samantha and Taylor also stopped making each other cum (privately or in your presence) for whatever reasons since they started dating you? They've stopped vaginal intercourse. I wonder if they went backwards on the sexual-release piece too? I am just thinking of all of you "fooling around" just shy of the point of climax, and then all going to separate rooms to relieve yourselves in private (!). Or are you anorgasmic?

Perhaps there is a fear of pregnancy on all your parts, and an aversion to condoms or IUDs or hormonal birth control. But that wouldn't/shouldn't stop two women from orgasming together during outercourse (non-penetrative sex).

I'm just throwing ideas out there... I tend to talk things to death. Communication, open and honest, is the number one rule in polyamory, and has been my policy for a long time. (Plus, I come from just outside NYC, and in that culture we speak our minds, no frills, no euphemisms, in general. It can seem rude to people from other parts of the country, I know.)
~In my mind we will all three be married. To me, we are all committed, will all take part in the ceremony, and will all be married. I do realize that wouldn't be a common opinion in the general public or, apparently, on this board.
There are as many ways to do poly as there are people doing it. I have heard, on Reddit, that there are a lot of "one true wayers," but we don't do that here. And we (all poly folk) deal with the "marriage" concept, in a few common ways. Some do a Celtic pagan ceremony called handfasting, for example. Some people have been known to divorce their first spouse and marry the newer partner, while still remaining loving nesting partners with the first. Some never marry or handfast with any of their partners. It's kind of like being gay was until so recently. You could be married in spirit, even if not legally. I pretty much feel that way about my two partners, and I know Pixi feels and acts that way with Malachi and with me.
~ I have read a lot more on this topic than people assume. "Most" of the books/articles linked on the bibliography? Most might be a big word, but close. I've read 2 of the books, part of another, and several of the articles.
So you've read two and a half books and a few articles. I believe I added about 25 books to the reading resources thread. (Edit, I counted; it's actually over 50 books.) Maybe you didn't notice. I am not saying you (or anyone) needs to read that many books (!) but I just wondered if you actually saw the whole thread.
~ We don't really treat ourselves as having an "established" couple with me as an add on. They hadn't been dating long (at all) when we all met, and had only gotten fairly serious in the couple weeks before we met.

In your OP you said:

A little over a year and a half ago I met a couple Taylor (33M) and Sam/Samantha (34f) who had been dating for about four years, and were, at the time, engaged.

Do you mean to imply they only became "serious" when they got engaged? They went from casual to engaged?

I met both of them at the same time and we started hanging out. Sam had always been bi, and one of the concerns of their relationship was only being with a man OR a woman for the rest of her life. They weren't actively looking for a throuple, but had discussed how in a perfect world it could work for them. Then, all of a sudden... we all were hanging out all the time.

To me (and most people) four years of a relationship (and with a full and complete sex life) is much different than an 18-month relationship with no PiV and no orgasms allowed. I don't mean to be rude. I am just super confused at the idiosyncratic "morals" involved here. How are they not more established at four, and now, five and a half years than you with them at 18 months?
~ We aren't all on the EXACT same page about religion and all of this, but close enough that they were willing to respect my wishes. It probably does impact why we are getting married within 18 months of starting, but 18 months isn't exactly 6 months... We still didn't SPRINT.
~ We want to try sharing a bedroom, with the second bedroom being an office space with a bed for when someone is sick.

Also in your OP, you wrote:

I think I lean toward all three of us sharing a bed. I always imagined sharing a bed with my partner, and don't want that to change with two. But I know a lot on here don't like the realities of that for sleeping. My thought is getting a king-sized bed. My main reason is the general intimacy of sharing a bed, but I also like this for sex reasons. Obviously there's no problem with any two of us having relations. It doesn't always have to be a threesome, but I worry with separate rooms it could lead to more jealousy, like, why are those two picking each other more often, etc., and having to discuss/plan if we want to be all active together (which I anticipate being the most common sexual act anyway!). Whereas, sharing a bed, I feel that would mean everyone knows what's going on, has the choice/ability to join in, and can help with jealousy.

I know you felt overwhelmed by my prior questions, which you felt were condescending. I've been poly since 1999, so I am just speaking from experience, as Laminar said.

You've never shared a bed with a bf. And since it seems that this is your first same-sex relationship, you've never shared a bed with a romantic female partner either. You imagine it would be nice to share a bed with one or two people. Sure! It's nice, it's cozy. It can also feel claustrophobic to some, sometimes or all the time. But in the archived thread, we see that people do manage to sleep three to a bed, whether they are in a triad or a V.

However, assuming that sharing a bed will prevent jealousy and FOMO, as you wrote above, is just completely wrong. "Sickness" is not the only reason one member of a triad might not want to share sleep or sex with either of the other members. One dyad may have a better sexual chemistry, or stronger libidos, and want to share sex more often, or for longer, or with a greater intensity than another dyad. This could be any dyad-- you and Taylor, you and Samantha, Sam and Taylor. (And of course, it could vary.) Sex/gender is irrelevant. We've seen mismatched libidos with straight, bi and gay couples.

For example, I have a friend in a triad (she doesn't live with her couple) and the three of them have FMF sex. The guy passes out after his one orgasm, and the women continue for another hour or two. Mightn't the guy want to say, "See ya, girls, have fun" and move to his own bed, or the couch?

Getting pregnant can really mess with your libido, due to nausea, hormones, lack of ability to sleep, etc. And having kids... the kid will want to sleep with the mother that is breastfeeding it, for at least part of the night. You can bedshare with two adults and a newborn/infant, and maybe a toddler, but add in a third adult, you're gonna need a room full of mattresses on the floor. In a couple, sometimes the mom sleeps with the breastfeeding child and the dad sleeps with the older weaned one, so everyone can get the most rest. You don't want a crying infant to wake the toddler, and you don't want a preschooler who is potty training (or having night terrors or whatever) to wake an infant.

Some people (adults) stay up later than others, and come to bed when the early-to-bed person is in a light sleep phase, and disturb the first person. (God forbid they wake the baby, too.) The night owl/robin situation happens with both my bf and gf and me. (We never share sleep all three.) But I go to bed around 11, and my partners both tend to stay up until 2, or sometimes later. If they stay up later, I request they spend the night on the couch, because if they come to bed at 3, I'm in a light sleep phase and generally will be up for the day, and need a nap later, which is annoying as f.
 
I mean you don’t have to do the exact same thing every night…
For sure, rotating is an option. Though I tend to sleep best when I have consistency (I don't sleep well when I travel, for instance), so I might just try taking the middle. We'll see.
 
Is not climaxing or helping someone else to cum part of your morals?

Have Samantha and Taylor also stopped making each other cum (privately or in your presence) for whatever reasons since they started dating you? They've stopped vaginal intercourse. I wonder if they went backwards on the sexual-release piece too? I am just thinking of all of you "fooling around" just shy of the point of climax, and then all going to separate rooms to relieve yourselves in private (!). Or are you anorgasmic?

Perhaps there is a fear of pregnancy on all your parts, and an aversion to condoms or IUDs or hormonal birth control. But that wouldn't/shouldn't stop two women from orgasming together during outercourse (non-penetrative sex).

I'm just throwing ideas out there... I tend to talk things to death. Communication, open and honest, is the number one rule in polyamory, and has been my policy for a long time. (Plus, I come from just outside NYC, and in that culture we speak our minds, no frills, no euphemisms, in general. It can seem rude to people from other parts of the country, I know.)

There are as many ways to do poly as there are people doing it. I have heard, on Reddit, that there are a lot of "one true wayers," but we don't do that there. And we all deal with the "marriage" concept. Some polyfolk do this Celtic pagan ceremony called handfasting, for example.

So you've read two and a half books and a few articles. I believe I added about 25 books to that thread. Maybe you didn't notice. I am not saying you (or anyone) needs to read that many books (!) but I just wondered if you actually saw the whole thread.


In your OP you said:



Do you mean to imply they only became "serious" when they got engaged? They went from casual to engaged?



To me (and most people) four years of a relationship (and with a full and complete sex life) is much different than an 18-month relationship with no PiV and no orgasms allowed. I don't mean to be rude. I am just super confused at the idiosyncratic "morals" involved here. How are they not more established at four, and now, five and a half years than you with them at 18 months?


Also in your OP, you wrote:



I know you felt overwhelmed by my prior questions, which you felt were condescending. I've been poly since 1999, so I am just speaking from experience, as Laminar said.

You've never shared a bed with a bf. And since it seems that this is your first same-sex relationship, you've never shared a bed with a romantic female partner either. You imagine it would be nice to share a bed with one or two people. Sure! It's nice, it's cozy. It can also feel claustrophobic to some, sometimes or all the time. But in the archived thread, we see that people do manage to sleep three to a bed, whether they are in a triad or a V.

However, assuming that sharing a bed will prevent jealousy and FOMO, as you wrote above, is just completely wrong. "Sickness" is not the only reason one member of a triad might not want to share sleep or sex with either of the other members. One dyad may have a better sexual chemistry, or stronger libidos, and want to share sex more often, or for longer, or with a greater intensity than another dyad. This could be any dyad-- you and Taylor, you and Samantha, Sam and Taylor. (And of course, it could vary.) Sex/gender is irrelevant. We've seen mismatched libidos with straight, bi and gay couples.

For example, I have a friend in a triad (she doesn't live with her couple) and the three of them have FMF sex. The guy passes out after his one orgasm, and the women continue for another hour or two. Mightn't the guy want to say, "See ya, girls, have fun" and move to his own bed, or the couch?

Getting pregnant can really mess with your libido, due to nausea, hormones, lack of ability to sleep, etc. And having kids... the kid will want to sleep with the mother that is breastfeeding it, for at least part of the night. You can bedshare with two adults and a newborn/infant, and maybe a toddler, but add in a third adult, you're gonna need a room full of mattresses on the floor. In a couple, sometimes the mom sleeps with the breastfeeding child and the dad sleeps with the older weaned one, so everyone can get the most rest. You don't want a crying infant to wake the toddler, and you don't want a preschooler who is potty training (or having night terrors or whatever) to wake an infant.

Some people (adults) stay up later than others, and come to bed when the early-to-bed person is in a light sleep phase, and disturb the first person. (God forbid they wake the baby, too.) The night owl/robin situation happens with both my bf and gf and me. (We never share sleep all three.) But I go to bed around 11, and my partners both tend to stay up until 2, or sometimes later. If they stay up later, I request they spend the night on the couch, because if they come to bed at 3, I'm in a light sleep phase and generally will be up for the day, and need a nap later, which is annoying as f.
I admitted I overreacted earlier and I apologized. Many of your concerns are fair and worthy of further converstaion, but I'm going to be honest and say your tone the whole way through, including now, seems condescending about anyone seeing marriage different than you. Much of mainstream culture has, I'm sure, treated you and your views awfully, but you don't need to impose that on me, just because I might have yet again different views. I'm really trying to be cautious about continuing this conversation. I think you mean well, and have things to teach--the second half of your post specifically has opinions and insights that I'd be well heeded to consider. But the tone is just one that makes me feel its best if I don't try to continue this discussion with you. That said, I appreciate the time and effort and don't want to be rude and ignore your questions, so......

To shortly answer your questions without trying to expand, we are aware of the reasons we might not all end up sleeping in the same bed. Flexibility and communication is essential for any relationship, especially when there is 4-in-1. But we'd like to *try* to take a more traditional approach to a lot of things and see how it works. We want to build intimacy and enjoy married life. If ever there's a time, in our opinion, to be less worried about personal space, it's the first few years of a marriage. That doesn't mean we don't respect personal space (we do), or think there will be moments we need it (I'm sure there will be), or that things might not eventually evolve to more bedrooms (for all the reasons you imply), but it's not how we want to start. And if the bed is big enough, I don't care if they are having sex in it while I sleep, in fact I think I'm more comfortable (in fact I'm completely comfortable) with that than them going to another room to do it. That may change with time and experience, but I don't think it's crazy to start out in the way that all three of us want to start out, and then see how it goes. Just because we aren't married yet, and just because we are seeking advice, doesn't mean we haven't put a lot of time, thought, and conversation into this, that we are just falling into something. It's particularly challenging doing research however because our situation is more unique, most people entering a triad aren't as committed to monogomy, or at least havent been at every stage. That isn't a bad thing (at all), but it makes a lot of books and articles talk past us and how we got here. Some have been helpful, but most have felt written for someone not quite us.

As for the questions about the details of my sexual experience, I don't really want to talk in that much detail about my sex life. I realize that is common here, and I'm not judging that at all, and I realize I'm the one that's pretty non-normative poly around here (if such a thing exists) and am aware how that makes me weird, but I do, for my own reasons, believe that the right answer for me is a closed off sexual life with my 2 spouses, and while Im not a prude about talking about sex I don't want to go into a blow by blow abotu what ive done, not done, why I might do it, what it might mean, and exactly how it fits into my belief system. All 3 in our triad are at least marginally close on our beliefs (and the degree to which we arent we are all respectful) and I'd rather leave it at that.

PS: I just now saw the years/months switch on my first post, I see how that is massively confusing. It should have read four months. They were engaged, and I do think that was fast for them (I think they'd agree with that too), but they'd only really gotten serious in the previous 1-2 months. I'm sorry I transposed months and years typing fast
 
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Correction for all, in my first post I say S and T had been dating 4 years, that should have read 4 months. Sorry!!!!
 
Separate/overlapping vs straight shared blankets help, so everyone can stick a leg out for temperature regulation too.

Honestly though... I agree with others that you should each have a bed big enough for two in your rooms, in case sleeping all together ends up not being super-feasible at various times.
I truly get the reason why beds in all three rooms sound nice, but it isn't feasible in the house we are working on closing on. Prioritizing having a dedicated office meant we could only afford a 2 bedroom, the extra office is tiny and wouldn't even fit a bed, let alone a bed plus desk/etc. So Sam is going to get a tiny office dedicated just to her office, and Im going to have a bigger room that will also double as a guest bedroom and/or place if one of us wants/needs to sleep in there at some point. The master bedroom is large, and that helps, but I agree, having 2 other bedrooms would be nice. but it wasn't in the financial cards right now, and while it might be in the future, if we add a kid or two at the same time we upgrade house, that knocks out rooms too (don't worry we aren't talking kids right away, Im just making a point about rooms)
 
I truly get the reason why beds in all three rooms sound nice, but it isn't feasible in the house we are working on closing on. Prioritizing having a dedicated office meant we could only afford a 2 bedroom, the extra office is tiny and wouldn't even fit a bed, let alone a bed plus desk/etc. So Sam is going to get a tiny office dedicated just to her office, and Im going to have a bigger room that will also double as a guest bedroom and/or place if one of us wants/needs to sleep in there at some point. The master bedroom is large, and that helps, but I agree, having 2 other bedrooms would be nice. but it wasn't in the financial cards right now, and while it might be in the future, if we add a kid or two at the same time we upgrade house, that knocks out rooms too (don't worry we aren't talking kids right away, Im just making a point about rooms)
How big is the living room? Does it have space for a fold-out couch that serves as a double/triple bed?
 
I admitted I overreacted earlier and I apologized. Many of your concerns are fair and worthy of further conversation, but I'm going to be honest and say your tone the whole way through, including now, seems condescending about anyone seeing marriage different than you. Much of mainstream culture has, I'm sure, treated you and your views awfully, but you don't need to impose that on me, just because I might have yet again different views.
Fair. However, no, mainstream culture has not treated me or my views awfully. I've always been confident in my alternative practices. I was married to a man for 30 years, and so enjoyed hetero privilege. We opened after 20 years together. I am a lactivist and breastfed my children for 2-4 years each. I homeschooled my kids (secular unschooling). Etc. I've rarely received negative feedback because I know why I am doing what I am doing, and feel okay saying I am doing what is right for my family. :)

That is not the reason I am questioning you (perhaps too) closely.

If any of my questions make you uncomfortable, please feel free to ignore them, or just ponder them in your head. No need to reply. :) You know you're unusual for a poly person in your sexual practices. We've had asexual poly folk post about having no or very little sex in a romantic poly network, but I've been on the board almost since the beginning (2010) and have never seen someone tell us they are in a triad, are about to get married, but all three, even the formerly active dyad, are avoiding PiV before (their definition of) marriage. But you live and learn!
I'm really trying to be cautious about continuing this conversation. I think you mean well, and have things to teach--the second half of your post specifically has opinions and insights that I'd be well heeded to consider. But the tone is just one that makes me feel its best if I don't try to continue this discussion with you. That said, I appreciate the time and effort and don't want to be rude and ignore your questions.

We are aware of the reasons we might not all end up sleeping in the same bed. Flexibility and communication is essential for any relationship, especially when there is 4-in-1. But we'd like to *try* to take a more traditional approach to a lot of things and see how it works. We want to build intimacy and enjoy married life. If ever there's a time, in our opinion, to be less worried about personal space, it's the first few years of a marriage.
True, good ol' NRE!
That doesn't mean we don't respect personal space (we do), or think there will be moments we need it (I'm sure there will be), or that things might not eventually evolve to more bedrooms (for all the reasons you imply), but it's not how we want to start. And if the bed is big enough, I don't care if they are having sex in it while I sleep, in fact I think I'm more comfortable (in fact I'm completely comfortable) with that than them going to another room to do it. That may change with time and experience, but I don't think it's crazy to start out in the way that all three of us want to start out, and then see how it goes.
Okay, interesting. Just so you're all on the same page...
Just because we aren't married yet, and just because we are seeking advice, doesn't mean we haven't put a lot of time, thought, and conversation into this, that we are just falling into something. It's particularly challenging doing research, however, because our situation is more unique, most people entering a triad aren't as committed to monogamy, or at least havent been at every stage. That isn't a bad thing (at all), but it makes a lot of books and articles talk past us and how we got here. Some have been helpful, but most have felt written for someone not quite us.
The term is poly-fidelity, when three people are in a closed network. It is not super uncommon. It can happen with a V, or a triad, or a quad, just as it can in a monogamous relationship. Maybe if you search that term you'll have more luck.
As for the questions about the details of my sexual experience, I don't really want to talk in that much detail about my sex life. I realize that is common here, and I'm not judging that at all, and I realize I'm the one that's pretty non-normative poly around here (if such a thing exists) and am aware how that makes me weird, but I do, for my own reasons, believe that the right answer for me is a closed off sexual life with my 2 spouses,
Right, see above. No problem there.
I'm not a prude about talking about sex I don't want to go into a blow by blow about what I've done, not done, why I might do it, what it might mean, and exactly how it fits into my belief system. All 3 in our triad are at least marginally close on our beliefs (and the degree to which we arent we are all respectful) and I'd rather leave it at that.
Again, no need to answer every question someone asks. Boundaries are healthy. It's just ugh, I don't know, it irritates my brain, since you did admit to never having Os with anyone while fooling around, on top of the no PiV thing. But I'll shut up about it now.
I just now saw the years/months switch on my first post, I see how that is massively confusing. It should have read four months. They were engaged, and I do think that was fast for them (I think they'd agree with that too), but they'd only really gotten serious in the previous 1-2 months. I'm sorry I transposed months and years typing fast.
Oh my goodness, that makes a huge difference. Thanks for clearing that up! lol
 
For sure, rotating is an option. Though I tend to sleep best when I have consistency (I don't sleep well when I travel, for instance), so I might just try taking the middle. We'll see.
So something I've noted helps me a lot - I historically didn't sleep well when I slept in Artist's apartment, until I first started bringing my own pillow / eventually bought a second identical one so I didn't have to cart a whole pillow over every weekend.
 
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