About to marry into a throuple

kaitlinga

Member
I'm 27F, and created this account because I have some questions for people with more experience as I approach my wedding day. I created this account for privacy and this is my first post in the community. I posted something similar on Reddit, but then I found this board and it feels a better, more private communirty.

Background, because mine isn't the typical throuple story (I don't think). Before this I've only ever been in relationships with boys, though I have always also had an attraction to women. I'm not poly in the broader sense of the word (though I don't judge). I do, for me, believe in monogamy (or at least within a throuple now), and (the most odd of all) am a virgin, because for me, personally, I didn't want to have sex till marriage.

I was raised in Spain (French Dad, Irish mom, dad worked in Spain) but we moved to the US when I was 13. I am an only child.

A little over a year and a half ago I met a couple Taylor (33M) and Sam/Samantha (34f) who had been dating for about four years, and were, at the time, engaged. I met both of them at the same time and we started hanging out. Sam had always been bi, and one of the concerns of their relationship was only being with a man OR a woman for the rest of her life. They weren't actively looking for a throuple, but had discussed how in a perfect world it could work for them. Then, all of a sudden... we all were hanging out all the time.

I was actually the one who broached the topic, about a month in, after seeing an episode of Househunters with a throuple (cliche, I know lol). We started going out on more romantic dates, they postponed their wedding date, etc. Things progressed. Eventually we decided we wanted to commit to this. We are all now collectively engaged. I'll be marrying Sam legally in a ceremony, with Taylor included with vows of commitment. We'll be taking a honeymoon, and then moving into a house together in the city to which we are moving. (Taylor is getting a new job and both Sam and I work remotely.) We've been spending loads of time together the last 18 months, almost every day, at least briefly, plus several dates a week, but none of us live together yet (waiting for the wedding and the move).

I'm nervous, as any bride-to-be would be, but feel really good about the throuple aspect. But it also has me worried about decisions we are currently making. Obviously, we are talking about these decisions together, first and foremost, but none of us have been in a throuple before, and I'd like some advice to figure out how I feel about these things from my own perspective, so I can have my own input. I'd also, just generically, like any advice I could get for a newbie entering a throuple relationship.

We are buying in a city, and we collectively have a budget. The place wont be TINY, but don't picture a spacious suburban house with tons of bedrooms and bathrooms (that impacts some of the questions below).

The things we are discussing:

~ Should we all share a bedroom, or have our own? I think I lean toward all three of us sharing a bed. I always imagined sharing a bed with my partner, and don't want that to change with two. But I know a lot on here don't like the realities of that for sleeping. My thought is getting a king-sized bed. But I do want input. My main reason (as I said) is simply the general intimacy of sharing a bed, but I also like this for sex reasons. Obviously there's no problem with any two of us having relations. It doesn't always have to be a threesome, but I worry with separate rooms it could lead to more jealousy, like, why are those two picking each other more often, etc., and having to discuss/plan if we want to be all active together (which I anticipate being the most common sexual act anyway!). Whereas, sharing a bed, I feel that would mean everyone knows what's going on, has the choice/ability to join in, and can help with jealousy. Sharing a bedroom would also mean Sam and I could have our own separate offices, since we work remotely.

~ We want to largely share finances, with each person getting a certain percentage of their own earnings to go to them to either save or spend, and the rest being collective. Anyone see real problems with this?

~ Are we better to have a BIG master bathroom suite we can share, or a house with more bathrooms? I like the idea of not having one or two of us have to go to the other end of the house to "our" bathroom, but three in the space of one bathroom seems like a lot. Thoughts on how people approach this? We have some budget for remodeling. I suppose we could put in multiple shower heads, or a second toilet or second or third sink? Or is that not really necessary? Thoughts?

~ We plan to use the term wife and husband, and while we won't advertise we are a threesome out and about, we aren't going to go to great lengths to hide our identity either. Two of us working from home should help. But we currently live in a SUPER liberal neighborhood in a SUPER liberal city. We are moving somewhere that leans left, but is a bit more normie America. Separately, most family is either being moderately supportive OR distancing themselves from us. We don't have many people in between. Do other people run into a lot of problems out and about, if people can't figure out who the "couple" is?

~ We do think we want to have a child or two someday. How do people handle that? Thoughts?

It's all obviously very complicated, and I've done a fair bit of research (and thinking) on all of this, but I'd love to hear any and all things from people with experience.

Please don't try to make it into a debate about me being religious/a virgin, or about us not being poly. We (truly) aren't judging y'all, so I'd appreciate it if you don't judge us for being a slightly different brand of poly.

I'm an only child. My dad has passed, and my mom is supportive. The first thing she said after hugging me when I told her was a joke-- "It's a three-salary economy these days." lol
 
I'm 27F, and created this account because I have some questions for people with more experience as I approach my wedding day. I created this account for privacy and this is my first post in the community. I posted something similar on Reddit, but then I found this board and it feels a better, more private communirty.
Hello, thank you for joining and welcome to polyamory.com. Please note that this is a public forum and anything you post that isn't in a private message is visible to anyone (even if they aren't registered) and can also be picked up by search engines. You have either 12 or 24 hours (I forget which one it is) to edit or delete your posts, and moderators don't delete posts after that time as a general policy, otherwise we'd be busy all the time deleting and editing posts and we're busy enough deleting spam. You're still within the 12-hour edit window, so I recommend reviewing your posts and making changes accordingly, if you need to do so.
 
I think you could not rush the wedding. NRE (new relationship energy) lasts 6-24 mos. You have been together only 18 months and are making big decisions already.

None of us live together yet. We are waiting for the wedding and the move.

I don't get why it can't be living together WITHOUT being married to see how you even work as roomies first. You could spend 1-2 years doing that first, to assess compatibility.

If you are going to go ahead with legal marriage, talk to a lawyer about prenups, what your will is going to be now with a legal spouse, etc.

Rent or buy a place with a floor plan that allows for separate bedrooms. You can still sometimes all share a bed if you want, by taking turns hosting, but you'd ALSO all have your own spaces, your own closets, space for your desks for your remote work, etc.

Keep your own banking accounts. It's ok to contribute a percentage to a joint account, for making house things like buying groceries and paying rent easier, but maintain your own banking and money. Do not merge everything. All of you should have separate savings accounts, so if things go wahoonie, you can just get out and not be trapped living with exes due to finances.

With three people, it would be great to have three separate bathrooms. But it's livable with two bathrooms.

The best floorplans I've lived in were a 4 bed/3 bath for 3 people, and a 2 bed/2 bath for 2 people. I miss the ones that let everyone have their own bedroom and bathroom!
We plan to use the term wife and husband

Use whatever terms you want.

Do other people run into a lot of problems out and about, if people can't figure out who the "couple" is?

It's not their biz. But be prepared for haters, cuz haters gonna hate.

We think we want to have a child or two someday. How do people handle that? Thoughts?

WAIT. Getting married and living together, buying a house and sharing some finances are enough big changes. Do not add kids to the mix too soon, because if things do not pan out, it's easier to break up and divorce and never deal with each other again if there are no kids involved, just property to split up. Once kids are in the mix, you are stuck coparenting until the children are of age, and even then, stuck with seeing your exes at the children's graduations, birthdays, weddings, seeing the grandkids eventually, etc. There's a certain level of "basic polite" manners needed to not make your children's lives hell if you are all going to attend their milestone moments, or even to make plans to take turns attending and split them up.

It's all obviously very complicated. I've done a fair bit of research (and thinking) on all of this, but I'd love to hear any and all things from people with experience.

What about the other two? What research and thinking have they been doing?

Will you all be taking a marriage prep class, online or otherwise?

Would you work with a poly counselor to fill in the bits unique to a triad marriage that conventional marriage prep doesn't cover?


Galagirl
 
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Welcome, and congratulations and best wishes for your upcoming wedding!

Closed triads (like monogamy, but with three) aren't super common so you're not likely to find a lot of people who can speak from personal experience. We have a few members who have this type of relationship, but they aren't always online so they might miss this. More commonly there are V relationships where one person is the hinge and romantically connected to two different people. One such member actually dissolved his legal marriage so there was more equality between everyone. But they all live together. We have other members in cohabiting Vs and they may introduce themselves if they feel they have value to add to the discussion.

I don't live with any of my partners currently, but last time I lived with my husband, and when we are currently planning to do so again, we'll have our own rooms. But then, we're older and sex isn't really high on our to do list. We enjoyed sharing a bed in the early days, but we've also come to realise that we both have too much stuff to share a bedroom lol, and we like our own decorating styles. And that's with him also having a home office in a detached building. In my country, it's common to have small bedrooms, small houses and only one bathroom (and sink) for three bedrooms, so I can't comment on that.

My husband and I also have both joint and separate bank accounts and contribute around 50% of our respective incomes to the joint property (it's related debt and upkeep). I don't have joint finances with anyone else, but we share costs for dates.

I know of a triad with two children (one per woman) and both kids call both mothers variations on mum, and all three the parents go to things like parent teacher nights. Kids talk to their teachers, peers, and anyone who will listen so there's no point trying to be closeted at all with kids. As for the legal stuff, that will depend on your State. I think Magdlyn, one of our moderators, has mentioned that her State allows for three parent birth certificates.

And monogamy? In this economy? Hahaha, yeah, nah.
 
Hi kaitlinga, welcome!

I'm not poly in the broader sense of the word (though I don't judge), I do, for me, believe in monogomy (or at least within a throuple now),
Could you explain what this means? Have you, Taylor and Sam already made agreements on how this is going to go for the future? Do you prefer a V relationship, instead of a triad, where you will be dating Taylor only and not Sam? What if Sam wants to date you?

We've been spending loads time together the last 18 months, almost every day at least briefly plus several dates a week, but none of us live together yet (waiting for the wedding and the move)
So you have been spending loads of time together constantly, but not separately? You are dealing with four relationships into three.

Taylor + Sam
Sam + Kaitlinga
Kaitlinga + Taylor
Kaitlinga + Taylor + Sam

Have you made agreements when one couple is going on a date or on holiday ALONE? How will you be managing those? Why do you need to jump into marriage so fast and not just live together and see how it goes? Is this because you are a virgin and saving for sex after marriage? Why not wait a little more to see if you are really compatible? Not everyone is compatible for living together/nesting.

Should we all share a bedroom or have our own?
If you are planning this, it would be best to each have their own room, so one can recuperate after a long day when there have been too many incentives.
We want to largely share finances, with each person getting a certain percentage of their own earnings to go to them to either save or spend, and the rest being collective. Anyone see real problems with this?
Keep your own finances and have pre-nups.

Do other people run into a lot of problems out and about, if people can't figure out who the "couple" is?
It only matters what is important to you and what feels right for you.
We want to have a child or two someday. How do people handle that? Thoughts?
Agree, I'd wait a little while.
It's all obviously very complicated, and I've done a fair bit of research (and thinking) on all of this, but I'd love to hear any and all things from people with experience.
It's different for everyone, but I'll tell you a little bit about my experience. I've been in a triad with two partners (Laboucle and Magnet) for almost a decade, but we are not married, nor living together, the three of us. So my situation is very much different than yours. We all live separately, to able to date other people. Now we also date more separately than together, due to distance. We still do share time together, just the three of us, but it's less common.

The most important part of a triad for us is that everyone keeps their freedom, autonomy and their own personal finances, as a blueprint, and work around that framework of agreements. Even when we lived together we always had our separate accounts (though we didn't live together for long because work took us elsewhere). We might live together again in the future, maybe with other partners/metas, who knows?

Magnet moved in with me recently again because his work took him here, but he will easily move away in a few years, if not sooner, when his work takes him elsewhere. Magnet and I shared "couple bands" for our commitments, no wedding, no hoopla, just a thing for the two of us, while Laboucle and I share our commitments in doing creative projects together, for example (because that's important to her).

My advice to you is to not rush into things and just enjoy dating Taylor and Sam together and separately, and you can show your commitments to them both in different ways.

I'm an only child, my dad has passed, and my mom is supportive. The first thing she said, after hugging me when I told her, was a joke: "It's a three-salary economy these days." lol
That is funny, but not the right incentive to go get hitched so soon, I'm afraid.
 
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I am the person Evie referred to regarding three-parent birth certificates. Unfortunately, as far as I know, this is only in one city (Somerville), not the entire state of Massachusetts. (And with the current president, who the f knows what is going to happen to our rights?)

Anyway, I find what makes your idea of a "throuple" (btw, I know that's a trendy term, but many experienced poly folk kinda hate it, because it seems to piggyback off mono culture's idea of "coupledom" and hetero marriage), to be naive. That's to be expected, since you're moving from being an actual virgin at 27 to a very "alternative" idea of a polyamorous relationship structure.

I get a thrill of fear that you've never had sex one-on-one, much less done bisexual threesomes. (Doing threeway sex is a complicated learned skill. Have Sam and Taylor ever even attempted it?)

I also fear for the three of you since you've not all started living together. Not that you all need to, at only 18 months in (because of NRE craziness), but because you want to only move in together once you and your female partner are legally married (same-sex marriage). What if one dyad of this triad is no longer working, and yet you have all the legal red tape to deal with, besides sharing a home and mingling finances?? So complicated.

What if our new totalitarian ultra-conservative government again outlaws same-sex marriage?

Add in a kid or two?? Oh my god, what a mess for everyone, and so unfair to the child/ren. This is such a leap of faith.

Are you only getting married so you can have sex? I know it might be different from your reasoning, but in the olden, more religious days, and in LDS culture and fundamentalist culture today, "kids" get married young because they are incredibly horny for each other, and have no other option (other than risking hell, parental disapproval, social ostracism and the like). It sounds like your mom is fine with you being bisexual and marrying a woman-- so what is going on here?

I do approve of your triad at face value, because it seems it just sort of happened, and wasn't a huge unicorn hunt on the part of the established couple. I do find it interesting that you and Sam will be the ones marrying, and so the guy, Taylor, will be the one on the outs when it comes to the automatic assumption of legal benefits that come with marriage. I've never heard of this before... :) You might look into arranging legal protections for him too, such as inheritance, medical privileges, mortgage/rental arrangements, and the like.

As for beds and bedrooms, we have a very long merged archived thread on sleeping arrangements here.


You seem to know that it can become complicated and annoying to share a bed. I'm worried that you feel worried about jealousy, FOMO and stuff around sex. Sex doesn't just have to be threesomes. It doesn't all have to happen in the big "marital" bed. It doesn't entail sleeping together all night.

Jealousy and FOMO will NOT be avoided by sharing a bed, by sharing threeway sex, or having a triad relationship. Jealousy will be avoided by working on your own sense of security, on not being possessive, on having compersion, on facing your fear of loss, etc.

I am not sure how much "research" you have done, but we have a very thorough reading resource list here:


And here are all of our merged archived threads regarding many of the questions you asked.

 
Thank you, everybody for your long, helpful responses. I'm going to try to collectively answer questions and concerns here, then go back and edit for what I miss.

~ To be clear, no one is talking about having kids anytime soon. I was simply talking about long-term plans, that we do want to be more of a traditional style family (albeit with three parents). I don't think any of us are thinking kids yet, and we aren't buying a place big enough to have kids yet. (We'll move up when we are ready, which won't be for a while.)

~ The current plan is that we will all have our own bank accounts, and 30% of our salaries will go into it to save, spend, whatever we want. The rest will go to joint finances. We've seen good arguments in both directions (toward totally together and totally separate) and are open to advice and budgeting, but our approach is *intended* to kind of merge some of the benefits of both.

~ People seem to be really focused on the fact we haven't lived together, but I think that's a reality for a lot of "normal" couples too, if they are more traditional about sex before marriage. We have spent a LOT of time together, often 15+ hours a day. We all live close, we all do things together. We've traveled together. I am a virgin in terms of penetration, and Taylor and Samantha stopped going full penetration when I joined the triad, all of us waiting till married, but it isn't like we don't do a LOT together, as a threesome, and in twosomes. So I feel, both sexually and living together, we have more experience than it sounds like, though obviously marriage is always a big jump.

Prenups are involved, as are protections for Taylor, and that's also why 30% of everyone's salary will stay theirs.

~ We can't really afford 4+ bedrooms right now, and the top priority for us at moment is that Samantha and I both have our own workspaces, so we are leaning towards one large master suite, with a large en-suite bathroom we can remodel to have a second shower head and maybe a second toilet, then a guest bedroom that will double as a work space for one of us, and an office, and obviously, at least a second bathroom. I didn't mean to make it sound like we were considering just ONE, more if we should put our efforts into three tiny ones vs one big one and one normal one.

~ Yes, the other two have been doing research too. Samantha has been reading a lot of what I write here (and responses), and we've talked about it with Taylor. I'm the writer of the group, and the OCD planner, so I've taken point on being the researcher, but I'm not left to it alone (by any means), and we all discuss everything.

~ I realize the waiting to live together and have sex is unusual for people on a board that are poly, and I totally get that. All I can say is that I don't judge poly (at all), but am more traditional in how I feel about marriage, etc., and Taylor and Samantha are close to me (if not quite as traditional) on those things. I am religious (though progressive), traditional (without being closed-minded or conservative), and not the typical example of poly. I get that. But in the end, I want to stick to my morals (that isn't a judgment on anyone else) and I do feel we've done a lot to be used to being around each other (hanging out nearly 24/7, traveling, etc., etc.)

~ The reason that I'm legally marrying Samantha instead of one of us marrying Taylor is an attempt (I know it won't be perfect) to create less of a hierarchy in the marriage, by having the "odd one out" be based on gender, not based on who came last. We are also drawing up legal contracts to protect Taylor, and he will be included equally in our "wedding."

~ We are all aware we are in a four-type relationship in a way. We tend to go on dates as threesomes, and fool around all together, but if someone is traveling, or occasionally just busy, there's never been any awkwardness with two going on a date together, OR fooling around together, and I think we've done that a moderate amount with every combination of the three of us there is. Maybe it's because we are new, or maybe it's because we all met around the same time, or maybe it's because we gel so well, that for now, we trend toward doing things together. But as long as it doesn't feel weird or threatening when two do something together (be it dinner or sex or whatever), I don't know if it's a problem. (If it did feel weird for two to do something, then I agree it'd be a problem.)

~ Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm completely naive about my sexuality, etc., etc. I've had a vibrator for a decade, fooled around with past boyfriends, fooled around a LOT with my fiances. I'm not claiming "I've got this." I'm on this board to learn, and y'all are RIGHT to be concerned. Marriage and newness is always scary and always a big leap. But I'm also not asking, like, "How does it work?" Just because I haven't gone to penetration with anyone doesn't mean I've been asexual for 27 years.

~Thanks to everyone for all the advice. I look forward to hearing more (and I'll have more questions), and also to Magdlyn for the technical and super-helpful links and info.
 
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Not the most important Q, but pressing, because we have to decide-- the honeymoon. We are typically doers. We stay somewhere away from a lot of tourists, be on the move, stay local, do local. Three of our top four choices for honeymoon are just like that, Cuba, Greece, or Spain. But then there's also the reality that it's our honeymoon, and we are gonna want to spend a lot of time... in bed, and probably even romantic when out/about, so we've considered (our fourth option) an adult-style resort in the Caribbean, so that we'll get less looks, have a big bed (not always possible in local style hotels), etc., etc. That's SOOO not our type of travel. It's why we are torn, but you can at least see why it's a discussion.

Thoughts?
 
I'm 5'4, my female fiance is 5'5, and my male fiance 5'9. We all plan to sleep in the same bed, with one guest bedroom (doubling as an office) if someone is sick or NEEDS space. How big of a bed do people recommend? How do we determine who sleeps in the middle?
 
Could you mix it up? Where you do some dwelling and then the last couple of days in a resort?

Or rent a nice, big place with a pool, and discover things in the area, where you will be free to do whatever you want.
 
Could you mix it up? Where you do some dwelling and then the last couple of days in a resort?

Or rent a nice, big place with a pool, and discover things in the area. Where you will be free to do whatever you want.
That's an idea I hadn't considered, like an AirBnB in one of the first 3 places we were considering. That's a good idea. We don't love airbnb for political reasons, so I hadn't thought about it, but I'm not a purist, and that might be a great solution.
 
That's an idea I hadn't considered, like an AirBnB in one of the first 3 places we were considering. That's a good idea. We don't love airbnb for political reasons, so I hadn't thought about it, but I'm not a purist, and that might be a great solution.

There are many other rental places outside of AirBnB if you want to do more conscious travelling. But it will atleast give you more freedom.
 
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There are adult cruises where swinging and ENM is common, so you won't be necessarily the odd one out. Just a thought.
I appreciate the idea, and like aspects of it, but we don't really swing, and don't think we'd be happy on a cruise ship in general. But thanks!
 
~ We can't really afford 4+ bedrooms right now, and the top priority for us at moment is that S and I both have our own workspaces, so we are leaning one large master suite with a large en suite bathroom we can remodel to have a second shower head and maybe a second toilet, then a guest bedroom that doubles as a work space for one of us, and an office, and obviously at least a 2nd bathroom. I didn't mean to make it sound like we were considering just ONE, more if we should put our efforts into 3 tiny ones vs 1 big one and 1 normal one

That is three rooms for three people, so each one gets their own bedroom/office combo, with their own closets for their own stuff.

When you want to share space together, I suppose the master bedroom could have a bed situation that could fit all three, if that's the biggest room, like a queen with a twin bed that could be put together, or angled as needed. With king-sized beds -- all the sizes of them, from king, California king, Wyoming king, to Alaskan king, etc., the bedding can be more expensive, and a drag to wash because it's so bulky.

If one person runs hot, or the middle person gets tired of trying to get out to use the toilet, you might come to appreciate a queen bed with a twin that can pivot alongside or out to be an "L" shape, or even a twin XL over queen bunk beds with twin on top, so you can rotate who is up in the twin.

The limits of your budget, bedroom space, and your laundry situation will tell you what you can realistically do. There is also aging. What you can/feel like doing in your late 20s may not be what you feel like doing at 50+, as your body ages. So there may be various bedroom solutions over the years, not just one.

Galagirl
 
I'm 5'4, my female fiance is 5'5, and my male fiance is 5'9. We all plan to sleep in the same bed, with one guest bedroom (doubling as an office) if someone is sick or NEEDS space. How big of a bed do people recommend? How do we determine who sleeps in the middle?
3 people CAN fit in a king, but there are a lot of variables.

Whoever moves the least and can handle the most heat should be in the middle. I can't sleep in the middle, otherwise I wake up in a puddle of sweat and my entire body hurts from feeling like I can't move without disturbing two other humans. So I would only share a bed with one partner at a time.

Why not have overnights now to figure out what works for you? It is possible to just sleep without sex all night so you aren't compromising your morals?
 
I'm 5'4, my female fiance is 5'5, and my male fiance 5'9. We all plan to sleep in the same bed, with one guest bedroom (doubling as an office) if someone is sick or NEEDS space. How big of a bed do people recommend? How do we determine who sleeps in the middle?
You thanked me for my links, but this simple question is addressed ad infinitum in the archived thread on bed and bedroom sharing.
 
~ I don't think any of us are thinking kids yet, and we aren't buying a place big enough to have kids yet.
Great! Personally I waited 11 years from starting to date my bf to having kids when we were married. I waited until I was 29 to get pregnant, after having lived together for 10 years and saving a lot of money up by banking all my income and just living on my partner's income for a few years. I wanted to stay home with my babies for as long as possible.
~ The current plan is that we will all have our own bank accounts, and 30% of our salaries will go into it to save, spend, whatever we want. The rest will go to joint finances.
Fine.
~ People seem to be really focused on the fact we haven't lived together, but I think that's a reality for a lot of "normal" couples too, if they are more traditional about sex before marriage. We have spent a LOT of time together, often 15+ hours a day. We all live close, we all do things together. We've traveled together.
Do you share a bed when you travel together? Or does the established couple share a bed and you sleep separately?
I am a virgin in terms of penetration, and Taylor and Samantha stopped going full penetration when I joined the triad.
Wow. What a way to draw a line.
All of us are waiting until we are married. But it isn't like we don't do a LOT together, as a threesome, and in twosomes. So I feel, both sexually and living together, we have more experience than it sounds like, though obviously marriage is always a big jump.
Okay, so you are just technically a virgin to penis-in-vagina penetration, but have done pretty much everything else, fingers, oral, toys, and who knows?... maybe even anal. What's the point? I guess somehow you got the romantic idea the male penis in the female vagina is sacred somehow. This is so unusual for a non-fundamentalist. I'm sorry. You do you, but I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

The other two have been doing research too. Samantha has been reading a lot of what I write here (and responses), and we've talked about it with Taylor. I'm the writer of the group, and the OCD planner, so I've taken point on being the researcher, but I'm not left to it alone (by any means), and we all discuss everything.

So you've read many of the articles and books on our resource list?
~ I realize the waiting to live together and have sex is unusual for people on a board that are poly, and I totally get that. All I can say is that I don't judge poly (at all), but am more traditional in how I feel about marriage, etc., and Taylor and Samantha are close to me (if not quite as traditional) on those things. I am religious (though progressive),
Progressive religious people don't put an emphasis on waiting for PiV sex until after marriage. And let's not forget that you won't be married to Taylor (the guy)! So, he's going to be fucking two women he is actually not married to? And you're already having lesbian sex with Samantha, the woman. So, again, what's the point? I am so confused.
traditional (without being closed-minded or conservative), and not the typical example of poly. I get that. But in the end, I want to stick to my morals (that isn't a judgment on anyone else) and I do feel we've done a lot to be used to being around each other.

~ The reason that I'm legally marrying Samantha, instead of one of us marrying Taylor, is an attempt (I know it won't be perfect) to create less of a hierarchy in the marriage, by having the "odd one out" be based on gender, not based on who came last. We are also drawing up legal contracts to protect Taylor, and he will be included equally in our "wedding."
He won't be legally marrying either of you. But somehow, in your heads, he will be married enough to put his penis into both of you (Samantha, again, and you, for the first time). Make it make sense! ;)
~ We are all aware we are in a four-type relationship in a way. We tend to go on dates as threesomes, and fool around all together, but if someone is traveling, or occasionally just busy, there's never been any awkwardness with two going on a date together, OR fooling around together, and I think we've done that a moderate amount with every combination of the three of us there is.
Good.
~ Just because I'm a virgin doesn't mean I'm completely naive about my sexuality, etc., etc. I've had a vibrator for a decade, fooled around with past boyfriends, fooled around a LOT with my fiances. I'm not claiming "I've got this." I'm on this board to learn, and y'all are RIGHT to be concerned. Marriage and newness is always scary and always a big leap. But I'm also not asking, like, "How does it work?" Just because I haven't gone to penetration with anyone doesn't mean I've been asexual for 27 years.
Good to clear that up. Some lesbians don't like penetration of any kind. Maybe you will find you don't actually like it, with this guy who will be your "husband"/not husband, after all.
~Thanks to Magdlyn for the technical and super-helpful links and info.
You're welcome. Please read the bed-sharing thread. It also addresses other triad problems.
 
You thanked me for my links, but this simple question is addressed ad infinitum in the archived thread on bed and bedroom sharing.
And I posted that question in that thread before realizing that I thought my situation was a bit different, so I also posted it here with full context. I did read the links (and got a lot out of them) promise!
 
Great! Personally I waited 11 years from starting to date my bf to having kids when we were married. I waited until I was 29 to get pregnant, after having lived together for 10 years and saving a lot of money up by banking all my income and just living on my partner's income for a few years. I wanted to stay home with my babies for as long as possible.

Fine. Do you share a bed when you travel together? Or does the established couple share a bed and you sleep separately?

Wow. What a way to draw a line.

Okay, so you are just technically a virgin to penis-in-vagina penetration, but have done pretty much everything else, fingers, oral, toys, and who knows?... maybe even anal. What's the point? I guess somehow you got the romantic idea the male penis in the female vagina is sacred somehow. This is so unusual for a non-fundamentalist. I'm sorry. You do you, but I am having a hard time wrapping my head around it.

So you've read many of the articles and books on our resource list?

Progressive religious people don't put an emphasis on waiting for PiV sex until after marriage. And let's not forget that you won't be married to Taylor (the guy)! So, he's going to be fucking two women he is actually not married to? And you're already having lesbian sex with Samantha, the woman. So, again, what's the point? I am so confused.

He won't be legally marrying either of you. But somehow, in your heads, he will be married enough to put his penis into both of you (Samantha, again, and you, for the first time). Make it make sense! ;)

Good.

Good to clear that up. Some lesbians don't like penetration of any kind. Maybe you will find you don't actually like it, with this guy who will be your "husband"/not husband, after all.

You're welcome. Please read the bed-sharing thread. It also addresses other triad problems.
It's clear you have such disdain for what you see as my naivete you are going to pick more and more things to ask me about condescendingly and never get anywhere. You probably are correct in some of your condescension, and also unfair in other parts. I'm not interested in sorting it out. I appreciate the links, but if you are so annoyed by me, why waste so much time writing a super-long response under the guise of "helping"? If I'm so annoying and so naive, why not just ignore me?
 
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