About to marry into a throuple

So something I've noted helps me a lot - I historically didn't sleep well when I slept in Artist's apartment, until I first started bringing my own pillow / eventually bought a second identical one so I didn't have to cart a whole pillow over every weekend.
Adding my pillow to the packing list! Great point!
 
Fair. However, no, mainstream culture has not treated me or my views awfully. I've always been confident in my alternative practices. I was married to a man for 30 years, and so enjoyed hetero privilege. We opened after 20 years together. I am a lactivist and breastfed my children for 2-4 years each. I homeschooled my kids (secular unschooling). Etc. I've rarely received negative feedback because I know why I am doing what I am doing, and feel okay saying I am doing what is right for my family. :)

That is not the reason I am questioning you (perhaps too) closely.

If any of my questions make you uncomfortable, please feel free to ignore them, or just ponder them in your head. No need to reply. :) You know you're unusual for a poly person in your sexual practices. We've had asexual poly folk post about having no or very little sex in a romantic poly network, but I've been on the board almost since the beginning (2010) and have never seen someone tell us they are in a triad, are about to get married, but all three, even the formerly active dyad, are avoiding PiV before (their definition of) marriage. But you live and learn!

True, good ol' NRE!

Okay, interesting. Just so you're all on the same page...

The term is poly-fidelity, when three people are in a closed network. It is not super uncommon. It can happen with a V, or a triad, or a quad, just as it can in a monogamous relationship. Maybe if you search that term you'll have more luck.

Right, see above. No problem there.

Again, no need to answer every question someone asks. Boundaries are healthy. It's just ugh, I don't know, it irritates my brain, since you did admit to never having Os with anyone while fooling around, on top of the no PiV thing. But I'll shut up about it now.

Oh my goodness, that makes a huge difference. Thanks for clearing that up! lol
This is all fair. I'll respond more fully tomorrow, but in the meantime I truly apologize if I came across too terse. That wasn't fair of me.
 
So the house we are closing on has a large kitchen, large living room, and large master bedroom and en-suite bathroom. The second bedroom is only average, as is the 2nd bath, and the office is downright small. Nice outstairs balcony. The master already has two gargantuan closets, and I think is big enough that we can add a third. (Might look a bit funky cause it needs to be carved out of space currently part of the bedroom, but it'll work.) The master bath is gargantuan, and I'm considering adding a second shower head and maybe a second toilet. It already has 2 sinks, wish it had 3, but probably won't add that. My dad worked in construction and I've done a lot of DIY. I can't take on any of the plumbing, but I can defray costs of a lot of the work doing it. Taylor also can help some.

As I said earlier, I ordered an "extra wide king size bed," which is basically a standard king but almost 3 feet wider. It's coming from Canada and I have to assemble the bedframe myself. But shouldn't be too bad.

Are there any little kitchen or living room adjustments people have made for a triad that I wouldn't think of? There are only two spots at the kitchen island, but that would be huge to fix, and meanwhile the dining room table space is good size. I can't think of others, but sometimes the most mundane thing is what you don't think of till you live it...
 
(Might look a bit funky cause it needs to be carved out of space currently part of the bedroom, but it'll work).

Could something like an Ikea wardrobe work?

There are only two spots at the kitchen island, but that would be huge to fix, and meanwhile the dining room table space is good size

Would you really use the dining room as a formal dining? Or is it better as flex space so someone can have that for an office?

I nixed a kitchen island my contractor wanted to put in there. I just don't need that. There was plenty of storage already without it. Instead I put a small dining set in there so we could just eat in the kitchen and use the dining area for something else.
 
Could something like an Ikea wardrobe work?

Would you really use the dining room for formal dining? Or is it better as flex space so someone can have that for an office?

I nixed a kitchen island my contractor wanted to put in there. I just don't need that. There was plenty of storage already without it. Instead I put a small dining set in there so we could just eat in the kitchen and use the dining area for something else.
These are both good ideas. Because I like to cook serious/complex sometimes. I had romantic images of them sitting at the island while I cooked food, served it, and stood and ate on the opposite side. But the day to day reality is that's... a weekend activity. And the island isn't necessary. It could be repurposed, as you suggested. And the IKEA wardrobe should be perfect for Taylor, who doesn't have quite the range of clothes as Sam and me. lol
 
I think this sounds beautiful in theory and I wish you all the best!!
I personally would not get legally married to *anyone* at least not for a good long while. I have been married twice. It is difficult to get un-married, and costly. You can have all the benefits of marriage without being married.

As far as kids, I have raised my kids as openly poly and they have turned out great! Don't let anyone talk you out of that if that's what you want to do.
 
You know you're unusual for a poly person in your sexual practices. We've had asexual poly folk post about having no or very little sex in a romantic poly network, but I've been on the board almost since the beginning (2010) and have never seen someone tell us they are in a triad, are about to get married, but all three, even the formerly active dyad, are avoiding PiV before (their definition of) marriage. But you live and learn!
I think 1) as we've both said, my partners and I are rare(r), and 2) it wouldn't surprise me if a lot of people who do fit in my category wouldn't feel comfortable coming on a poly board. I think that's more a situation of their own close-mindedness than a commentary on the board, but I could see where a less confident, less sex-forward version of myself, in the type of relationship I'm in, just wouldn't see anything to be learned from a poly board in general. I think that person would be wrong, but I do think that augments my first point as to why not a lot would appear on here.

There are always things we don't understand based on our own worldview. I truly don't "get" asexuality. But that's ok. I don't have to. And I *do* get why someone who is asexual might be drawn to a triad (or more) precisely because its an avenue to a type of coupling that might be difficult for them in a traditional couple if they aren't interested in sex. With 3 (or more) partners, someone else can be meeting those needs. And good for them. It doesn't mean its "easy for me to get my head around" (to quote the term you use about my triad).

To answer vaguely your questions about why we draw the line at PiV, or orgasms from Sam to me, it's complicated, and fluid.
~ I grew up pretty conservative-religious, something I've reacted away from, but in that community I think there is a lot of emphasis put on PiV as a way to give into the fact they realize their kids are gonna get tempted, but trying to scare/intimidate them not into going that far. I think that's a weird flex, because if you *really* buy into purity culture, you are already being ok with impure and drawing an arbitrary line in the sand.
~ As you can already guess, the fact I'm willing to define marriage as a triad, and the fact I'm willing to act on my attractions to women, imply I have a much, much broader definition of religious texts than most people who follow religion. I'm probably most closely aligned to a sex-positive, progressive religious person. But as you correctly say, most of them also want to avoid arbitrary lines such as PiV.
~ One of the more traditional view of marriage I *do* take, and that probably makes me different from many on this board, is that I do want sex to be part of a gift of marriage, and I also think there is value in learning and exploring your new spouse, still having NRE and excitement when you get married. While I see PiV as a false line and a remnant of bothersome purity culture, I have, in a complex way, found it to be a useful means of preserving some mystery with my partners, of keeping the excitement to get married, the wanting the newness of the married house/bed.
~ I think (for good reason) a lot of people on here are suspicious of a lot of that, precisely because many (not all) of y'all came to your place precisely because your traditional marriage was getting boring or repetitive, and you see the restrictions as the problem. I don't disagree, and I have sympathy for that. But I'm in a different spot in my life, one that may have its own problems, and may develop into other problems that I can't foresee. But, for me, I'm seeing the limitations of "traditional" marriage before I ever enter it, and trying to address it in advance, by entering a triad, and entering one where there wasnt a longstanding clear existing couple, one where we can build that ourselves. Will it be perfect? No. Will that difference mean we'll never have issues with boredom, or lack of freedom, or anything else one might express about traditional marriage? Very likely no. I don't think our "plan" means we are cured of all that. But I do think the fact we are trying to combine what we like about traditional/Christian marriage with poly means we have a *chance* for it to be a bit different. We'll see how that goes. And like in any multi-relationship, communication and ability to pivot will be key.

In the meantime, I like that I'm saving myself for my wedding precisely because I look forward to the three of us exploring each other with BIG TIME NRE on our honeymoon and beyond. And my partners are down for that too. So, for now, it isn't hurting us or anyone else. And it only "can" hurt us if we don't continue to communicate and stay flexible to pivot... the same thing ALL couples on this forum need to do to survive.

Just my $.02.
 
I think this sounds beautiful in theory and I wish you all the best!!
I personally would not get legally married to *anyone* at least not for a good long while. I have been married twice. It is difficult to get un-married, and costly. You can have all the benefits of marriage without being married.

As far as kids, I have raised my kids as openly poly and they have turned out great! Don't let anyone talk you out of that if that's what you want to do.
I completely get this, and don't think it's impossible that we'll get burned and feel the same way. I think we are mature enough to be aware of that. But, for now, based on the more traditional beliefs we *do* have, we want to give it a try. And hope we can make it work. Aren't all relationships taking a chance? The stakes just get higher with marriage.
 
Different type of advice... How to be the third in a triad while the other two are having a fight?

We all get along so well, do so much together, that there's never been more than a momentary squabble resolved in minutes. I've always known that would change eventually. Couples fight. It's natural. But this morning a fight started between Taylor and Sam, of decent size, and I think it's gonna be a few days before it starts to heal. I don't think it's big enough to risk our future, or anything like that, but it's a legit disagreement with some hurt feelings.

How do I navigate that? How do I know how much its my role to play intermediary vs how much it's my job to stay out of it? How do I handle both of them coming to me to complain about the other one? All new territory for us...
 
@SamanthaTX ... welcome. I look forward to reading more of your posts and input.

@kaitlinga ... I think you have to decide how big of a deal these fights are to you. It sounds like you consider them to just be regular fights that happen with couples, not anything to be overly concerned about. If this is the case, then I am inclined to suggest you just kind of ride them out, don't weigh in or choose sides unless your opinion is explicitly sought. If the fights escalate to something beyond what would be normal for a couple, then you might have to excuse yourself, and maybe discuss your discomfort at a later time.
 
Different type of advice... How to be the third in a triad while the other two are having a fight?

We all get along so well, do so much together, that there's never been more than a momentary squabble resolved in minutes. I've always known that would change eventually. Couples fight. It's natural. But this morning a fight started between Taylor and Sam, of decent size, and I think it's gonna be a few days before it starts to heal. I don't think it's big enough to risk our future, or anything like that, but it's a legit disagreement with some hurt feelings.

How do I navigate that? How do I know how much its my role to play intermediary vs how much it's my job to stay out of it? How do I handle both of them coming to me to complain about the other one? All new territory for us...
I think you need to avoid being intermediary and let them work it out on their own. They should not be coming to you complaining about the other one, either. It is between them. Unless it's something that involves all of you, then you would sit down and try to find a way through it all of you together.
There have been times when I was in a triad that two people would be having an argument, and one or both of them would come and say, "We are having a disagreement right now. This has nothing to do with you, and we will work it out, but that explains why you might be feeling tension." And each of you should have an agreement not to argue about private matters in front of the one that is not involved in that. And, there should be safe spaces for people to retreat to in order to calm down and recenter, or to have private conversations to work things out.

My home is a home of peace, so arguments beyond civil discussion don't happen in the home. If things get to the point of anger, we take a time out. We then go for a walk, a car drive, retreat to a private room for awhile, take a shower, etc and calm down. I recently asked my adult daughter to stay in a hotel over Christmas break because she was not respecting my need to avoid drama/yelling in my home. I take it that seriously.
 
most people entering a triad aren't as committed to monogamy
I would just like to clarify what you are trying to say. Terms can be tricky. Monogamy means one. You are not practicing monogamy. You are practicing "closed polyamory" otherwise known as poly-fidelity. That is where the polycule (your triad) doesn't date anyone else and is closed, just as monogamy is closed.

You might find more similar experiences using those terms. But we all get what you mean. There are many people in this board in closed Vs. Not all poly people have harems or date several people.

I've never been in a triad and have no interest in it, so I cannot give any valuable input in that area. But I'm finding your situation interesting because of your lack of relationship experience and starting with a triad, which is probably the hardest relationship structure you could choose. Many times ignorance is the beginning of the end, but in your case it might just work for you. You seem optimistic, but not blind. That not blind part is big. Only time will tell what your future holds. I hope it's everything you want it to be after working through some inevitable hard stuff.
 
How to be the third in a triad while the other two are having a fight?
This I can give my $.02 on. Let them have their stuff and don't get involved. Don't let either of them rope you in. That's the hard part. They may come to you for support, as loved ones do. You can hug them, tell them it will be okay, but don't get in the weeds of their perspectives (stories). It can harm how you feel about one or both of your partners, hence effecting your relationships. It can put you in the middle where you feel pulled and can't support one without hurting the other.

It's best for you to not be a part in any way. Let them figure it out. If they come to you, suggest they talk to outside friends or a therapist.

Do be empathetic to their feelings and mood which may trickle into your time with them, and remind them that compartmentalizing is a skill that gets better with practice. It's a poly skill that keeps you from bleeding stuff from one relationship into another.
 
But I'm finding your situation interesting because of your lack of relationship experience and starting with a triad, which is probably the hardest relationship structure you could choose. Many times ignorance is the beginning of the end, but in your case it might just work for you. You seem optimistic, but not blind. That not blind part is big. Only time will tell what your future holds. I hope it's everything you want it to be after working through some inevitable hard stuff.
I more or less agree with all of this. Our three strengths are: 1) no long standing existing relationship, so no third wheel feelings (yet), 2) all very similar personalities (not that couples need to be, but I think it can help when navigating three), 3) we are aware of all that is stacked against us.

Aside from those three points everything else is weakness/trouble/struggle. Which is why people are justifiably worried, and why we ourselves are already trying to be extra good about developing awareness and communication.

But I'll also add this: half of all couple marriages end in divorce. Based on what it seems online, a higher percentage of triads don't make it. So there's reason for concern in ANY relationship, especially when it involves more than 2 people. So while some of our weaknesses are unique, we aren't alone in having a tough road. And we do have at least one fairly unique advantage (having more or less started as a triad together). Will that carry us through? One would be a fool to BET on it, but we are certainly going to ride our strengths as far as we can while staying vigilant to problems and continue working to improve communication *before* we start having more major problems.
 
Fight resolved btw, and in a way where I think we all three learned something about communication, apologies, and how different people heal from disagreements.
 
I think you could not rush the wedding. NRE (new relationship energy) lasts 6-24 mos. You have been together only 18 months and are making big decisions already.



I don't get why it can't be living together WITHOUT being married to see how you even work as roomies first. You could spend 1-2 years doing that first, to assess compatibility.

If you are going to go ahead with legal marriage, talk to a lawyer about prenups, what your will is going to be now with a legal spouse, etc.

Rent or buy a place with a floor plan that allows for separate bedrooms. You can still sometimes all share a bed if you want, by taking turns hosting, but you'd ALSO all have your own spaces, your own closets, space for your desks for your remote work, etc.

Keep your own banking accounts. It's ok to contribute a percentage to a joint account, for making house things like buying groceries and paying rent easier, but maintain your own banking and money. Do not merge everything. All of you should have separate savings accounts, so if things go wahoonie, you can just get out and not be trapped living with exes due to finances.

With three people, it would be great to have three separate bathrooms. But it's livable with two bathrooms.

The best floorplans I've lived in were a 4 bed/3 bath for 3 people, and a 2 bed/2 bath for 2 people. I miss the ones that let everyone have their own bedroom and bathroom!


Use whatever terms you want.



It's not their biz. But be prepared for haters, cuz haters gonna hate.



WAIT. Getting married and living together, buying a house and sharing some finances are enough big changes. Do not add kids to the mix too soon, because if things do not pan out, it's easier to break up and divorce and never deal with each other again if there are no kids involved, just property to split up. Once kids are in the mix, you are stuck coparenting until the children are of age, and even then, stuck with seeing your exes at the children's graduations, birthdays, weddings, seeing the grandkids eventually, etc. There's a certain level of "basic polite" manners needed to not make your children's lives hell if you are all going to attend their milestone moments, or even to make plans to take turns attending and split them up.



What about the other two? What research and thinking have they been doing?

Will you all be taking a marriage prep class, online or otherwise?

Would you work with a poly counselor to fill in the bits unique to a triad marriage that conventional marriage prep doesn't cover?


Galagirl
I'm knew to poly and am interested in a couple for the first time. This was very helpful and I agree with your advice.
 
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