Advice about Open Marriage

[hunnybunny]

Hello,

I need some serious advice. I am not polyamorous, but I do find myself surrounded by many folks in this realm. I am open to the idea of a poly lifestyle, but have never fully experienced this type of relationship dynamic.

Two months ago, a man approached me at a bar, said he has noticed me around town, and promised himself if he ever saw me again he would be sure to get my number. Obviously, this was flattering. He was very attractive and interesting, so I gave him my number. I noticed he had a ring on. I asked if he were married. He responded yes, but that they were open. I had a few drinks in me and I am a very bold woman. I asked him many big questions like, would you ever leave her if you met someone you connected deeper with? Does he want to be poly, or was it his wife's suggestion? Etc. He answered in all the right ways to hook me.

After that night, we went on a coffee date that turned into a 6-hour date, talking about everything, connecting deeply. We were both very intrigued by this immediate connection we felt. We both left the date floating. We continued to hang out very often after this date, and within two weeks we felt we were falling in love. We both felt it and we both stated it.

I met his wife, but she did not suspect that we were feeling so deeply for each other, until they had a trip to Mexico planned, and it all came out. She lost her mind, rightfully so. However, they had opened their marriage in order for her to explore her sexuality because she felt she was ethically non-monogamous. He stated he did not want to be open but wanted to make his wife happy and work on their issues.

I told him, he already has everything I want, a family, kids, partnership... Why would I stay? He made suggestions that we could be together, that our relationship was what he is looking for. People he'd dated in the past, in his open marriage, he would've never left his wife for. When it got to a point where they wanted more, he ended it.

But with me, it is different. He would leave his wife for me. He told her this. He told her it was over. He told her the marriage was ending and to stop trying. She's obviously devastated, and is fighting to save what they still have.

He told me multiple times that he wants to separate and start a life with me. But he has to move with caution because they have two kids, and 15 years of marriage. He wants this, but needs time. He has told me many upsetting stories about his wife, their relationship dynamics, and although there are positive aspects to their relationship, it is toxic. She has mood swings and anger issues that he can no longer withstand. He has promised me that he will leave her. He says he loves me deeply, and sees a future with me. I believe him, and want to move forward.

They had a session with their couples therapist and told her they were considering separating. She told him to not talk to me for 3-6 months before he makes this big decision. Cut me out! for 3-6 months!

I feel so deeply for this man. I love him more than I have ever loved someone. I feel this way after 2 short months. It's insane!

I am hurt by this, even thought I know it may be best, for him to be sure, for him to do this in an ethical way. However, I am scared during this time of separation, it is actually them just giving this marriage one more shot. She told him that they could close their marriage and never date outside of what they have again. I believe she is saying this to keep him, as she has stated in the past she is ENM, so she would have to change who she is to "save the marriage." She states she will be better, go to therapy, work on her issues, etc. I honestly feel she does not actually want to be with him, and is only fighting so hard because she is about to lose him, and lose the control she has had over him for years.

Has anyone here been in an open marriage and fallen in love with someone else and left their current partner? How did it go? Any insight is helpful.

I need advice. Am I a fool to think he will leave her and break apart their family? Will he ever, or is this a typical situation that I am falling prey to, only to get my heart broken? Any insight on this would be amazing. Do I walk away, especially since I am not poly? Do I wait it out for the man I love? Do I believe him when he says he wants to leave her and be in a monogamous relationship with me?

HELP!

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this helps you any.

He told me multiple times that he wants to separate and start a life with me, but he has to move with caution because they have two kids, 15 years of marriage. He wants this, but needs time. He has told me many upsetting stories about his wife, their relationship dynamics. Although there are positive aspects to their relationship, it is toxic, and she has mood swings and anger issues that he can no longer withstand. He has made me promises that he will leave her, that he loves me deeply, and sees a future with me. I believe him, and want to move forward.

He HAS a counselor. Why's he dumping all this on you, like you are a free counselor? How does doing this kind of trauma dumping make him a healthy and awesome person?

And having learned all this, you sure don't need any of that stuff (that I highlighted in red) if the wife comes along to harass YOU because she's mad at HIM. Step back.

The dude jumped the gun in dating you before he could actually offer you anything HEALTHY. He couldn't offer you healthy poly because their marriage is a mess and because he didn't want to do poly in the first place. He was just trying to "make her happy." Notice how he talks poorly of his wife and his exes.

He made suggestions that we could be together, that our relationship is what he has been looking for. People he has dated in the past, in his open marriage, he would never have left his wife for. When it got to a point where they wanted more, he ended it. But with me it is different. He would leave his wife for me.

It kind of sounds like he was looking for a "stepping stone person" to get OUT of his marriage. What for? To be an insta-stepmom to his kids, so he doesn't have to deal with them, perhaps?

A couple having a weird marriage is no reason for YOU to jump into the mix. I think this is where you get to say "Okay... Well, it sounds like you have a lot to sort out first. Look me back up when the divorce is final. We could try dating again once you are actually free."

Then you step back and see if he actually delivers on those promises or not. If he does? Great. Date him again. If he doesn't? Well, you are already out of it. You are not obligated to date him during his divorce process.

They had a session with their couples therapist and they told her they are considering separating. She told him to not talk to me for 3-6 months before he makes this big decision.

You also get to SKIP him oversharing all these details about his counseling appointments with you. You don't need to know any of that.

I get you are upset by what she said. Or rather what HE said she said. You have no way of knowing if it was actually what she said, or if he's just telling you "whatever" to keep you on the string.

I feel so deeply for this man, I love him more than I have ever loved someone. I feel this way after 2 short months. It's insane!

By stepping back, you'll also get to cool off from this hot burning NRE and assess if he was love bombing you, or what.

I think you could take a step back and let him sort out his life first. Do some reflections of your own in the meantime.

Am I a fool to think he will leave her and break apart their family?

It's not "breaking apart." It's changing shapes. The family model will change to a "divorced and coparenting" shape, but it's still gonna be a family. And if the kids are under 18, he'll have to deal with her up close until they are of age.

If he's going to end up coparenting with a person who is toxic, angry, having mood swings How's that going to affect YOU? You have to think about whether or not YOU want to deal with all that.

I mean, it's only been 2 months. You want monogamy. So why not date people who can offer you HEALTHY monogamy?

If you are still free later on, and he turns back up with his life sorted out, living in his own place, had more therapy, you could date him again. But you don't have to pause your dating life for him, when he can't offer you anything healthy right now.

https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf

Galagirl

 

[Tinwen]

Hey, you fell in love and you want to trust him. But from the outside, this looks like he's doing a total shenanigan on his wife right now. Deciding to leave her after 2 months of dating? Come on. They should know that the "in love" feeling takes a while to settle - by which time, if they are not all divorced and him living with you, they are likely to break up.

He would not leave for other people he was dating? That means he isn't actually leaving for himself. His marriage worked well enough for him to want to be in it, rather than out of it.

If you accept his offer now, you may very well be contributing to breaking up a family. They may split because of incompatibility, but certainly not as soon as if he does a "Quick, let me keep my new love!" action right now. Can you live with that?

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree with the above posters, especially about the NRE, feeling desperate to be together, the "insanity" of "being so in love after two months!" part.

I don't understand what his open marriage was for-- for both of them to find a new partner before they broke up with each other? Usually open marriages are part of ethical non-monogamy, and don't entail leaving an old partner for a new one.

However, to be perfectly honest, this happened to me when my ex husband and I split. We opened for me to "explore my bisexuality." He kinda thought the idea was hot. But once HE fell in love with someone, he fell out of love with me, because he was and is monogamous. And I was actually fine with this, after a tough adjustment period at first, because I had outgrown him. I left him, even though I hadn't met anyone locally to date. I realized he'd been taking me for granted for too long. And we had other long-term unresolvable problems, as well.

But back to you. I don't trust this guy... He's making rash decisions in the heat of the moment. He needs to slow down. Yes, you need to beware of a jealous, angry wife here. Be safe. Back off.

You may think this guy is great, but after two months, you barely know him. As someone once said, when you first date someone, you don't see them, you see their representative, their PR person. We all do this, put our best foot forward. Generally it takes a good year, or two, to really start to understand someone deeply. Initial compatibility (and NRE lust, rose-colored glasses, intoxication) doesn't equal long-term compatibility. It doesn't equal love. It's just attraction combined with hormones. Sometimes it develops into real love; sometimes, sadly, it fizzles. So, it's perfectly okay to step back. Yes, it will hurt and be frustrating, but we all need to think with our big brains in our head, not with our little brains down under.

 

[hunnybunny]

You fell in love and you want to trust him. But from the outside, this looks like he's doing a total shenanigan on his wife right now. Deciding to leave her after 2 months of dating? Come on. They should know that the "in love" feeling takes a while to settle, by which time, if they are not all divorced and him living with you, they are likely to break up.

He would not leave for other people he was dating? That means he isn't actually leaving for himself. His marriage worked well enough for him to want to be in it, rather than out of it.

If you accept his offer now, you may very well be contributing to breaking up a family. They may split because of incompatibility, but certainly not as soon as if he does a "Quick, let me keep my new love!" action right now. Can you live with that?

These are all thoughts I have had, as well. I have told him that he needs to leave her for himself, not because he met someone he is more compatible with. He has stated he is unhappy and is looking to be in a relationship with mutual understanding and love, which he feels with me. I cannot be chosen based on being "the better option."

I think that is why he is taking these two months, to figure out if his feelings are real, but also to test if my feelings are real. Which honestly, does not feel great. I feel very strongly about this man, and can see a future with him, but I am single and ready to be in love. I believe love at first sight is a thing, but obviously it takes time to really get to know someone.

I do think we have a good foundation to build off of. But now he has to cut me out for two months while he and his wife "figure things out", leaving me in the dark and not knowing what is going on in his head and his marriage, leaving me in a very vulnerable spot.

Now, he is a really amazing guy, and I truly believe all he has told me, but I am curious what he is telling his wife, if he is being honest with me in what he shares with her.

 

[Magdlyn]

These are all thoughts I have had, as well. I have told him that he needs to leave her for himself, not because he met someone he is more compatible with. He has stated he is unhappy and is looking to be in a relationship with mutual understanding and love, which he feels with me. I can not be chosen based on being "the better option."

I think that is why he is taking these two months, to figure out if his feelings are real, but also to test if my feelings are real. Which honestly, does not feel great. I feel very strongly about this man, and can see a future with him, but I am single and ready to be in love. I believe love at first sight is a thing, but obviously it takes time to really get to know someone.

I do think we have a good foundation to build off of. But now he has to cut me out for two months while he and his wife "figure things out", leaving me in the dark and not knowing what is going on in his head and his marriage, leaving me in a very vulnerable spot.

Now, he is a really amazing guy, and I truly believe all he has told me, but I am curious what he is telling his wife, if he is being honest with me in what he shares with her.

I was once in a similar situation. I was trying to date a guy who said he was poly. He told me that at one time, his wife's bf even lived with the two of them.

He was a bisexual guy, and I think he had dated some men casually (can't remember exactly). Then he met me and really liked me. Going by the wisdom of the day, I met his wife soon after his and my first date. She was nice. We went swimming in a local creek. But I felt a bit of side eye from her.

Soon after that, he told me he had to take a couple months off from dating, at his wife's request. I didn't wait for him. I kept up my usual thing of going out with other guys. I certainly didn't put all my eggs in one basket. When he got back to me, he said his wife had told him he could only date men, sex only, no romance. He had acquiesced. And that was that. I know you didn't mention this exact scenario, but just wanted to say, don't put your life on hold for this guy. Keep doing your thing. Even if he does divorce, it sounds like it won't be pretty, and could drag on for a while, what with her anger management issues, 2 underage kids, etc.

My sympathies!

 

[dingedheart]

He HAS a counselor. Why's he dumping all this on you, like you are a free counselor? How does doing this kind of trauma dumping make him a healthy and awesome person?

Wouldn’t another important question be how long have they been open, and how many partners did his wife have in that time? There is a possibility that her social life, one that he originally didn’t sign up for, has had its own damaging effects.

What exactly is trauma dumping? How does one explain reasoning and motivation, especially to someone they love and respect and want to be with? Would it be better to say, "Sorry, I just fell out of love," when there's actually a laundry list of stuff he’s been holding onto for yrs? I don’t get how or why people are stunned and offended when the poly-bombed people end up finding “better“ partners.

Does sharing his thoughts, feelings, and reasons for wanting out of his marriage make him an unhealthy and bad person? That’s a pretty loaded question, don’t you think?

And having learned all this, you sure don't need any of that stuff (that I highlighted in red) if the wife comes along to harass YOU because she's mad at HIM. Step back.

What if she, like Mags, decides she's better off without him and takes the loss as a personal win?

The dude jumped the gun in dating you before he could actually offer you anything HEALTHY.

How do you know this to be true? I didn’t read that in the opening post. It gives no mention how long they’ve been open.

He couldn't offer you healthy poly because their marriage is a mess, and because he didn't want to do poly in the first place.

I think what you’re seeing is consequences of someone feeling they were forced into poly. One could possibly argue their marriage was a mess prior to opening up, and the added stressor and/or a healthy dose of NRE helped kick it over the edge.

He was just trying to "make her happy." Notice how he talks poorly of his wife and his exes.

How is trying to make her happy talking poorly about her? And also stating that he’s never dated anyone prior he’s even considered leaving his wife for… I don’t think he’s speaking poorly of them, he’s rather speaking highly or glowingly about her.

It kind of sounds like he was looking for a "stepping-stone person" to get OUT of his marriage. What for? To be an insta-stepmom to his kids, so he doesn't have to deal with them, perhaps?

Wow, that seems incredibly harsh and uncalled-for, from one paragraph. Is there anything else you can diagnose? I bet you were good at Name That Tune, too.

A couple having a weird marriage is no reason for YOU to jump into the mix.

The couple is in an open or poly marriage, like 75% of the people here. Why is that weird? This isn’t an uncommon story. It’s actually kind of a common story where poly comes back to bite someone in the ass. In fact, I know of a case right this very second that could play out the same way, where they were pushed into this and all it has done is shine a glaring light on the contrast.

I could keep going, but I can’t right now, but you get the idea. I think it’s wildly unfair to make all those judgments based on so little information.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello hunnybunny,

Let's say he cuts contact with you for just three months. Maybe for that long you could wait it out. The jury is out on whether he will leave his wife for you. You can't know that until the no-contact period is ended.

Be warned, anything he does to his wife, he could eventually do to you. Based on your narrative, it sounds like he's been dishonest toward both of you. He promised you that he would leave her for you, and now he has changed that to, "We'll see."

Be careful.
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don’t get how or why people are stunned and offended when the poly bombed people end up finding “ better “ partners.

I'm not offended. If the husband was treated poorly, he SHOULD dump his wife and go find himself a better partner. If he were the one posting, I'd center him and his well-being and tell him as much. He's not the one posting though. HunnyBunny is. So I'm going to center HunnyBunny's well-being.

Does sharing his thoughts, feelings, and reasons for wanting out of his marriage make him an unhealthy and bad person? That’s a pretty loaded question, don’t you think ?

If a guy and I went on a few nice dates, and it had only been 2 months of dating total, and then he whooshed all this stuff at me about his exes and his wife problems? If he tells me super-intense things like that this early, when I'm not prepared for it, I wouldn't be into it. It would turn me off.

I could keep going, but I can’t right now, but you get the idea. I think it’s wildly unfair to make all those judgments based on so little information.

The title of the post is literally asking for advice. You get to have your opinion and give your advice. I get to have mine and give mine. HunnyBunny gets to be the one to decide which responses they will/will not consider.

I could be wrong in my impressions from the initial post. Yet I think that things here don't sound like a great deal for HunnyBunny. Love alone is not enough to make a sustainable relationship.

I pointed out the parts that seem odd to me. HunnyBunny can evaluate how they feel about those bits.

This is a 2-month thing. It's started fast, hot, and heavy. HunnyBunny described it as "insane." Whatever else may or may not be going on, I think HunnyBunny could pause and evaluate if they were love bombed. HunnyBunny is the one actually there dealing in all this.

Do I believe him when he says he wants to leave her, and be in a monogamous relationship with me?

The guy says he wants to leave his wife, but has not actually done so. He's still married, so he can't actually offer HunnyBunny monogamy yet.

If HunnyBunny wishes to minimize hurt to herself, I think she could wait for him to actually divorce first. He could finish up the old deal before starting a new one. HunnyBunny could err on the side of caution and "wait and see" because some people promise the moon and then don't actually deliver.

I know of a case right this very second that could play out the same way... where they were pushed into this and all it’s done is shine a glaring light on the contrast.

If the wife pushed the husband into ENM or poly and things are now a big mess in that marriage? Divorce is intense. It's #2 on the stress scale. (#1 is death of spouse.) I don't think divorcing or about-to-be-divorced people are the best people to date, whether in monogamy or polyamory. They are under a lot of stress and strain. He is not a great dating partner for HunnyBunny right now. Maybe later, but not right now.

If the wife and husband work things out and decide to close, there will be no space for HunnyBunny anymore.

I think it's ok for HunnyBunny to wait and let things shake out and come to calm first before investing further.

Galagirl

 

[hunnybunny]

Wouldn’t another important question be how long have they been open, and how many partners did his wife have in that time? There is a possibility that her social life, one that he originally didn’t sign up for, has had its own damaging effects.

What exactly is trauma dumping? How does one explain reasoning and motivation, especially to someone they love and respect and want to be with? Would it be better to say, "Sorry, I just fell out of love," when there's actually a laundry list of stuff he’s been holding onto for yrs? I don’t get how or why people are stunned and offended when the poly-bombed people end up finding “better“ partners.

Does sharing his thoughts, feelings, and reasons for wanting out of his marriage make him an unhealthy and bad person? That’s a pretty loaded question, don’t you think?


What if she, like Mags, decides she's better off without him and takes the loss as a personal win?


How do you know this to be true? I didn’t read that in the opening post. It gives no mention how long they’ve been open.


I think what you’re seeing is consequences of someone feeling they were forced into poly. One could possibly argue their marriage was a mess prior to opening up, and the added stressor and/or a healthy dose of NRE helped kick it over the edge.


How is trying to make her happy talking poorly about her? And also stating that he’s never dated anyone prior he’s even considered leaving his wife for… I don’t think he’s speaking poorly of them, he’s rather speaking highly or glowingly about her.


Wow, that seems incredibly harsh and uncalled-for, from one paragraph. Is there anything else you can diagnose? I bet you were good at Name That Tune, too.

The couple is in an open or poly marriage, like 75% of the people here. Why is that weird? This isn’t an uncommon story. It’s actually kind of a common story where poly comes back to bite someone in the ass. In fact, I know of a case right this very second that could play out the same way, where they were pushed into this and all it has done is shine a glaring light on the contrast.

I could keep going, but I can’t right now, but you get the idea. I think it’s wildly unfair to make all those judgments based on so little information.

@dingedheart
I appreciate all your thoughtfulness. This is a situation I have never been in before. I am just trying to navigate with love and compassion for myself and the couple I seem to be coming in between.

They have been open for 5 years. She has had many short flings and physical connections, it seems. He (since mostly monogamous) had had intentional longer relationships outside of the marriage. She has been friends with these partners he has dated, but she wants nothing to do with me, because she sees me as someone who is trying to take her husband. Technically, I guess I am. This was not my intention. I simply met someone, had an instant connection, and here we are.

He does not talk poorly about folks he has dated, and rarely talks poorly about his wife. He has just shared some struggles they have faced and why he feels they are not as compatible as he once thought. They got married young after she got pregnant. They see a counselor and seem to have a mostly healthy poly relationship with open communication. Obviously, jealousy comes up, but after 5 years they have been able to work on it. Prior to meeting me, they went through something that made him feel maybe it was time for divorce, and a month later he met me. I am 36 years old and ready to meet my partner for life. He came along and I was like this feels like the real thing, big love.

I am giving him this space to figure out his marriage, his kids, and if he returns to me with the same love we started with, I will be ready to explore our love deeper.

However! There is a lot of fear if he leaves his wife, we date, and then do not work out. Or we date and he feels he made a mistake in leaving her and choosing me. So many ifs and questions, and now we can not work on them together, because we are in a no-contact time, thanks to his therapist telling him not to talk to me for the time being, which is not considering my feelings AT ALL in this, and that hurts.

 

[hunnybunny]

I'm not offended. If the husband was treated poorly, he SHOULD dump his wife and go find himself a better partner. If he were the one posting, I'd center him and his well-being and tell him as much. He's not the one posting though. HunnyBunny is. So I'm going to center HunnyBunny's well-being.



If a guy and I went on a few nice dates, and it had only been 2 months of dating total, and then he whooshed all this stuff at me about his exes and his wife problems? If he tells me super-intense things like that this early, when I'm not prepared for it, I wouldn't be into it. It would turn me off.



The title of the post is literally asking for advice. You get to have your opinion and give your advice. I get to have mine and give mine. HunnyBunny gets to be the one to decide which responses they will/will not consider.

I could be wrong in my impressions from the initial post. Yet I think that things here don't sound like a great deal for HunnyBunny. Love alone is not enough to make a sustainable relationship.

I pointed out the parts that seem odd to me. HunnyBunny can evaluate how they feel about those bits.

This is a 2-month thing. It's started fast, hot, and heavy. HunnyBunny described it as "insane." Whatever else may or may not be going on, I think HunnyBunny could pause and evaluate if they were love bombed. HunnyBunny is the one actually there dealing in all this.



The guy says he wants to leave his wife, but has not actually done so. He's still married, so he can't actually offer HunnyBunny monogamy yet.

If HunnyBunny wishes to minimize hurt to herself, I think she could wait for him to actually divorce first. He could finish up the old deal before starting a new one. HunnyBunny could err on the side of caution and "wait and see" because some people promise the moon and then don't actually deliver.



If the wife pushed the husband into ENM or poly and things are now a big mess in that marriage? Divorce is intense. It's #2 on the stress scale. (#1 is death of spouse.) I don't think divorcing or about-to-be-divorced people are the best people to date, whether in monogamy or polyamory. They are under a lot of stress and strain. He is not a great dating partner for HunnyBunny right now. Maybe later, but not right now.

If the wife and husband work things out and decide to close, there will be no space for HunnyBunny anymore.

I think it's ok for HunnyBunny to wait and let things shake out and come to calm first before investing further.

Galagir

Also! We live in NC, and couples have to be seperated for ONE WHOLE YEAR before they can actually get divorced. So no matter what the situation, this is the long game for me. Being 36, I ask myself is this worth waiting for. I am giving him two months to get clear on what he wants, and then from there, I will make a decision for myself and my future. I appreciate you seeing this situation and noticing protecting myself is the safest option.

 

[hunnybunny]

Hello hunnybunny,

Let's say he cuts contact with you for just three months. Maybe for that long you could wait it out. The jury is out on whether he will leave his wife for you. You can't know that until the no-contact period is ended.

Be warned, anything he does to his wife, he could eventually do to you. Based on your narrative, it sounds like he's been dishonest toward both of you. He promised you that he would leave her for you, and now he has changed that to, "We'll see."

Be careful.
Kevin T.

This is definitely something I have thought about. However, he has been totally honest otherwise. My therapist said "Did he lie to you, or is the outcome just not what you imagined?"

Obviously, entering a relationship with a married man has its risks. I knew that if we wanted to be together that there would be a time of great difficulty to endure while they separate. I have to be patient, continue working on myself, taking emotional space while they potentially end their 15-year marriage and navigate how to do what is best for the kids.

I am just wondering if I am blinded by love. I feel like in this moment it's all about him. He gets to sit with this big decision. Leaving his wife and me in this space of major question and not knowing what he will do is honestly unfair.

 

[Tinwen]

Are you able to continue dating while on this no-contact break, or do you feel much too agitated to search on?

[Btw, I'm making a not-really-secret bet that he can't go no contact for two months. ]

 

[GalaGirl]

I appreciate you seeing this situation and noticing protecting myself is the safest option.

Most welcome.

Thank you for more info. I don't know if additional comments will help.

There is a lot of fear if he leaves his wife, we date, and then do not work out. Or we date and he feels he made a mistake in leaving her and choosing me.

If he'd been single when you met, all these things would still be there: the risk of dating for a time and realizing it's not a match after all.

This is definitely something I have thought about. However, he has been totally honest otherwise. My therapist said, "Did he lie to you, or is the outcome just not what you imagined?"

FWIW, it could be both-- he lied, AND the outcome is not what you imagined. Or maybe not exactly lied, but overstated his actual ability. While I'm glad you have a counselor in place to support you, I'm not sure doing "What if this? What if that?" is constructive. Does that ADD to your anxiety/fear or TAKE AWAY from it?

You already decided to give it 2 months and then make the final call. Maybe it's more helpful to talk to your therapist about what would make clocking the time easier.

I am just wondering if I am blinded by love.

You sound like it. It was a hot burning start. INTENSE. Maybe you are going through some kind of NRE withdrawal at the abrupt halt, but you could set your feelings aside and evaluate your options.

I feel like in this moment it's all about him.

It's not. You have your own choices to make about where YOU want to be and what YOU want to be doing. Your time and energy belong to you. You get to decide how to spend them.

He gets to sit with this big decision.

He is choosing to sit with it. Even if he's chosen divorce, where you live requires a year of separation first. That takes time to do -- whether it's living separate from the spouse, or doing "separate under one roof."

So if this is just going to be a long wait, and you are ready for a long-term partner NOW? It's not him. He can't give it NOW.

A two-month hot burning relationship is not a reason to put your whole life on hold, if you don't want to be on hold.

Leaving his wife, and me in this space of major questions and not knowing what he will do. It is honestly unfair.

The wife has to figure out her choices.

You think have to think about yourself and your choices.

Being 36, I ask myself is this worth waiting for. I am giving him two months to get clear on what he wants, and then from there, make a decision for myself and my future.

Definitely could ask yourself if this is worth waiting for. Right now, you have chosen to wait two months and then make a final decision about this.

You can stick with that, or change your mind at any point in these two months, if the wait becomes tiresome or stressful.

• You can choose to break up PLAIN. Like be done, and that's it.
• You can choose to break up, but leave the door open, and tell him he can look you up later on.

You have an additional choice during this waiting.

• You do not date other people while waiting.
• You do date other people while waiting.
  • This includes the chance that you might meet someone else who is able to give you what you want now, with no waiting. Then, if this guy eventually tries to look you back up, you'd have to say, "Sorry, that ship has sailed. I'm already doing monogamy with someone else."

Since this was a two-month thing, that's now on hold, I think you could keep your other options open, even if you choose to wait.

Sometimes we meet the right people at the right time. Sometimes we meet the right people at the wrong time, and things just do not align.

Whatever you decide, think about your long-term health and well-being.

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

I'm not offended.

I was speaking in the broad general sense, not you specifically.

If the husband was treated poorly, he SHOULD dump his wife and go find himself a better partner.

What about just waking up one day and deciding, "Enough is enough-- I don’t want a part time wife/lover. I don’t want the continual drama, risks or intrusion in my life. 5 years is long enough for me to know what I want and what I DONT WANT"?

If he were the one posting, I'd center him and his well-being and tell him as much. He's not the one posting though. HunnyBunny is. So I'm going to center HunnyBunny's well-being.

That’s fine, but you fabricated a narrative of him from your own imagination. He wasn’t speaking ill of his wife and ex-partners.

If a guy and I went on a few nice dates, and it had only been 2 months of dating total, and then he whooshed all this stuff at me about his exes and his wife problems?

I don’t understand your question. I think you’re making a personal statement, projecting again the hypothetical you constructed in your head and how you’d react if it were you. Unfortunately, you weren’t there on all the dates (probably more than a few), and in all the conversations via the various forms or communication (text, emails, voice and video calls). Granted, I don’t know either, but it’s much more than a “few dates."

If he tells me super-intense things like that this early, when I'm not prepared for it, I wouldn't be into it. It would turn me off.

Who’s to say who’s prepared and who’s not? Are you wearing your poly-dating coach hate here? I think you’re right, it’s a teachable moment. However, didn’t you break up with a guy because you wanted to clear time in your schedule in case of emergencies? Maybe intimacy and intensity isn’t your thing. To each her own.

The title of the post is literally asking for advice. You get to have your opinion and give your advice. I get to have mine and give mine.

I didn’t offer advice... and the only opinion I offered was saying I thought some of your comments were unfair and harsh, based on the very limited information in the opening post.

Here’s an opinion/question... take it for what it’s worth. If the facts, logic and narrative are flawed, won’t the advice be flawed?

HunnyBunny gets to be the one to decide which responses they will/will not consider.

Goes with out saying, but yes, I agree.

I could be wrong in my impressions from the initial post.

I’m stunned that you think that.

Yet I think that things here don't sound like a great deal for HunnyBunny. Love alone is not enough to make a sustainable relationship.

Yes, but it’s a start. It's funny how most of us have started that very way.

I pointed out the parts that seem odd to me. HunnyBunny can evaluate how they feel about those bits.

YES, YOU DID… and yes, she can.

This is a 2-month thing. It's started fast, hot, and heavy. HunnyBunny described it as "insane." Whatever else may or may not be going on, I think HunnyBunny could pause and evaluate if they were love bombed. HunnyBunny is the one actually there dealing in all this.

How I read it as “insane“ is the level of feelings or connection on her end, rated against past relationships. INSANELY strong are her feelings for him, NOT him loving bombing and and being a love-struck teenage boy. I took as a descriptor as atypical for her. But you make a valid point-- she should definitely look out for herself.

The guy says he wants to leave his wife, but has not actually done so. He's still married, so he can't actually offer HunnyBunny monogamy yet.

Yes, but there are kids, therapists and a legal process involved.

If HunnyBunny wishes to minimize hurt to herself, I think she could wait for him to actually divorce first. He could finish up the old deal before starting a new one. HunnyBunny could err on the side of caution and "wait and see" because some people promise the moon and then don't actually deliver.

I’m confused why a 5-yr poly couple going through a divorce (if paperwork is filed or legal separation agreement signed) why would anyone need to wait? What’s the difference? All of a sudden legal paperwork means everything? I don’t get it. I’m not suggesting hunnybunny be reckless or naive, but who cares, if the process is underway?

If the wife pushed the husband into ENM or poly and things are now a big mess in that marriage...

Not if … She did. THAT fact is in evidence. Do you think ENM/poly divorce is anymore messy than any other? Here’s another opinion: I think once you start down the divorce road, it becomes business and money/stuff. Some people want to fight over every nickel; some just want to be free, whatever it costs. I don’t think there’s a predictor of how people will react.

Divorce is intense. It's #2 on the stress scale. (#1 is death of spouse.) I don't think divorcing or about-to-be-divorced people are the best people to date, whether in monogamy or polyamory. They are under a lot of stress and strain. He is not a great dating partner for HunnyBunny right now. Maybe later, but not right now.

That’s the general rule-- don’t date anyone going through a divorce, because they’re under stress and might not be a good date. They could be short-fused, or a jerk sometimes. Wouldn’t that be sort of a good stress test?

If the wife and husband work things out and decide to close, there will be no space for HunnyBunny anymore.

Didn’t the wife declare a poly identity? How could he trust her to keep her word this time? Super unlikely, don’t you think?

Set the wife free.

I think it's ok for HunnyBunny to wait and let things shake out and come to calm first before investing further.

Nothing wrong with that.

I do wonder if the marriage counselor is poly friendly, with suggesting no contact for 2-3 months. I think that’s complete bullshit, whether they remain poly or divorce. For the past 5 yrs, the marriage has been open or poly. Why should it close to repair an open marriage? Makes NO sense to me.

 

[GalaGirl]

"Enough is enough, I don’t want a part-time wife/ lover. I don’t want the continual drama or intrusion in my life. 5 yrs is long enough for me to know what I want and what I DONT WANT."

Yes, the husband could leave for that reason, also.

I think you’re making a personal statement, projecting again the hypothetical you constructed in your head, and HOW you’d react if it were you.

I was trying to vibe with HunnyBunny's position. I approach it as, "My advice, if it were me in these shoes, would be this. You have to figure out what you want to do."

You find my post too harsh. Fair enough. You can think that.

I’m not suggesting Hunnybunny be reckless or naive, but who cares, if the process is underway?

HunnyBunny might. Once filed, it is actually in motion and the end is on its way. Waiting around to finally file? How long will that be? Then wait some more while it works it way through the court? That might be more waiting than HunnyBunny feels like doing.

At this juncture, HunnyBunny has decided to wait 2 months and then make the final decision.

Didn’t the wife declare a poly identity??

I read this:

I met his wife, but she did not suspect that we were feeling so deeply for each other, until they had a trip to Mexico planned, and it all came out. She lost her mind, rightfully so. However, they opened their marriage in order for her to explore her sexuality because she felt she was ethically non-monogamous. He stated he did not want to be open, but wanted to make his wife happy and work on their issues.

I could be wrong, but my understanding is that the wife wanted ENM, open for casual sex, not polyamory.

GG

 

[polynewb]

Hunnybunny, the above contributors are giving solid grounded advice. Foremost, you have to care for your emotional well-being and your needs. NRE can overwhelm your judgement. I learnt the hard way. A guy may make promises, but not be able to provide you with the safe and nurturing relationship you need to grow a meaningful connection.

 

[dingedheart]

I read this:

I met his wife, but she did not suspect that we were feeling so deeply for each other, until they had a trip to Mexico planned, and it all came out. She lost her mind, rightfully so. However, they opened their marriage in order for her to explore her sexuality because she felt she was ethically non-monogamous. He stated he did not want to be open but wanted to make his wife happy and work on their issues.

I could be wrong, but my understanding that wife wanted ENM, open for casual sex, not polyamory.

OK GREAT, she believes herself to be ethically non-monogamous in nature or identity. Why be open to casual sex, and NOT be open to polyamory? Maybe she wasn’t lucky enough to meet the right one. We’ve heard over and over you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the right ones. All that aside, does her having an ENM or poly identity materially change the likelihood of them closing the relationship? And trust that it would remain closed in the future? You like to predict stuff. Would you have any confidence?

 

[LaminarFlow]

So they open their marriage as a band-aid for their problems. For 5 years... Then the OP gets love-bombed by him, and the wife wants to go back to monogamy? Then the OP gets tossed aside with no contact for 2 months, or longer, for what?

5 years is long enough for him to know if he wants to be in that relationship or not, and he already kind of has chosen by going NC on the OP.
I would give this one a hard no for now.

 

[hunnybunny]

All this advice has been super eye-opening and helpful. Basically, I am heartbroken and wondering if I am just prolonging more heartache by staying in this while he figures out his shit. Everything felt so real when this relationship started. I trusted his words and his actions, which has led me to this super-dramatic situation.

The wife has sent me messages, stating he has fallen in love with me, and this is the last straw their marriage can handle, while also begging him to not leave. And I am in the middle, holding all he has shared with me regarding their marriage, hoping he makes a healthy decision for himself, which would be to leave his wife and follow his heart.

Will he or won't he? Can I stick around to find out? I'm not sure if my mental health or heart can handle that.