Hi. Mind if I translate for our members who might have English as a second language? Correct me if I have anything wrong.
I'm new to polyamory, and dating in general. I am aroace-spec
Aromantic, asexual... I don't know what "spec" means.
My feelings towards my partners can best be described as queer-platonic.
That is, some or all of your partners are queer in some ways, and you don't have sex or romance, but do feel more closely connected, more intimate, than just "good friends" would be. Maybe you cuddle a lot? Text a lot when you're not together? Have set dates during the week?
I feel a bit left out right now.
It seems you are young, new to dating, but in a triad. Even if it's aromantic and asexual, a triad is much harder to do successfully than a V.
A V is where there are 3 people involved, but only one is deeply involved with the other two. Say you are dating bf and gf, but they are not dating each other. You would be the "hinge," they would be the "arms." The arms of the V might be friends, or merely acquaintances.
You might practice "parallel poly" where the arms do not spend any time together, either with you at the same time, or on their own. If you practice "kitchen table poly," you'd often all hang out together.
In this case, you seem to all share a special connection. Maybe you have threesome dates sometimes, but bf is not often available. So only occasionally do you or your gf get to have a "sleepover" with him. Maybe sometimes he sleeps at your place, sometimes at hers.
My partners are having a sleepover, for lack of a better word, without me, which is totally fine!!! Me and my gf have had many sleepovers without our bf, and so it makes sense, plus I'm unavailable to at the moment.
Unavailable to what exactly? Have a sleepover with the bf, or both bf and gf at once?
You and gf share a bf, it seems. Are you a girl, a boy, non-binary, something else? Just curious.
Still, when we have had sleepovers, whenever my gf and I got a notification (of a text or call on our phones) from our bf, we jump to answer. We would call him when we could, and constantly talk about how, "Man, it would be great if bf was here."
So, when you and gf are together, whenever bf calls or texts, you answer immediately, and wish he were with you.
idk, ig? I don't know, I guess?
I just feel kinda crappy that my messages go for hours unanswered.
So you mean, when your gf and bf are together without you, you text them, but they seem busy and don't respond for hours.
I know our bf isn't available a lot, and so its like... supply and demand?
Your gf doesn't see your (shared) bf a lot, so when she's with him, she wants to focus on him, and not be tethered to her phone, and doesn't want to be bothered to text anyone, including you. This choice, to me, means she prefers uninterrupted quality time, when she does get to see him.
Like even if the demand is the same, I'm available all the time, and answer quickly...
So, your gf likes/loves you and the bf equally, but you are much more available, so when she's with bf (which is fairly seldom), she wants to make the most of it.
I get to see our gf more than our bf does. He lives farther away, plus there are scheduling constraints.
Is he envious that you and gf get so much time together?
The supply of time w me is very abundant. It makes sense they want to spend as much time together as possible.
Yes, this does make sense. And they want to make sure their infrequent time together is as uninterrupted as possible.
I don't think this is something to bring to them, because I know I am being immature and clingy, but it just sucks.
I don't know about immature (although how old are all of you?). I'd say insecure, and envious. Maybe needy or clingy. It's good to identify your feelings, so you can ride them out, and learn how to cope with them.
Right now, I am just trying to stop my anxiety from going crazy, which basically consists of me feeling like shit, and saying to myself, "This is illogical, and if they hated you they wouldnt be dating you" over and over again.
Feelings are often "illogical" because they are feelings, not thoughts. So that makes sense. You feel insecure when gf and bf are together without you. You wish you could be included in their one-on-one dates, even with just a quick call to hear them say, "We miss you," or something.
Maybe you could ask for that in between dates. You definitely don't want to intrude if they are busy. Ask them both some time in between dates if they would answer your call when they are on a date together without you. They are then free to tell you, "Yes, we will call/text you from our date," or, "No, we don't want to do that. We do however, care about you, and will get in touch after our date. xoxoxo" Or gf might be willing to answer, and bf may not. It's okay for all of you to have your individual preferences.
It's not their fault. I just need to get used to this and learn how to manage this healthily. Is there anything that could make this better?
How long have you (personally) been in a relationship with gf?
How long have you (personally) been in a relationship with bf?
How long has gf (personally) been in a relationship with bf?
How long have you and gf been "sharing" bf?
If all this is pretty new, it stands to reason there is some insecurity on all sides.
You are in a triad, it seems. There are several "dyads" in a triad. Each dyad needs its own time and space to grow, to be nurtured. Many people in triads set aside time for each dyad to have one-on-one time.
You + gf
You + bf
Bf + gf
All three of you together.
One question that stands out to me is, do
you get one-on-one dates with bf? If you do, does gf text/call you and him during your dates? Do you and he immediately pick up the phone, even if you are intensely involved in a talk, or an activity?
Do you feel you need or want the same "rule" for everyone: always answer your phone when one of the three texts the other two when they are together? Or could you compromise with the idea I mentioned above, to be present on the one-on-one date, but contact the missing third person asap after the date?
Many poly people set aside quality time for each partner, where they agree to put phones aside and just focus on each other. It probably depends on the date. If you're just casually hanging out (like you and gf, who see each other frequently) it will be different than if either one of you has a rare date with bf, who lives further away.
