Advice: my monogamous partner and polyamorous me

F

FaerieLady

New member
Hello all! I'm new to the forum. I was looking around for some fresh perspectives on a problem I have.

Since I was 14, I've known I didn't like monogamous relationships. I didn't understand what my relationship with my partner had to do with my relationship with others. I've hurt a lot of people with my behavior. But I finally got 'better' and stopped cheating, mostly from social pressure and being just too exhausted to pursue other lovers.

I'm now in a relationship of one year with Kel. He understands polyamory, but would not feel at all comfortable with it.

For a while, I've been attracted to a close friend of mine, Merc, and due to some friends with big mouths, we both know we like each other. He is into politics and activism, which are a HUGE part of my life. I direct the environmental club on campus, and am involved with a number of other organizations. It's my life, it's my social scene, it's what I spend my time thinking about.

It's also something that Kel is not very interested in.

Our relationship has become strained lately, because of my tight schedule, a lot of trouble with his parents, his alcoholism, and my commitment/addiction to activism.

So that's the context. In the past week, I have been hanging out with Merc a lot, being excited to get his texts, having movie marathons, and last night I slept at his house.

I'm having trouble separating these issues out. Some part of me wants to break up with Kel so that I can hook up with Merc. It is also confusing that I am having thoughts of breaking up with Kel, aside from the polyamory thing. I feel like I don't want to do monogamy anymore. It doesn't feel right. I still love Kel, but I am not in the kind of relationship that I want, both because of our problems, and because of polyamory. The other option is to stay committed to this relationship, stop seeing Merc (difficult because we organize together so often), and work on our relationship.

My friends find it so hard to understand being attracted to multiple people, and so I feel like they don't have the perspective to see things the way I do. Help?
 
So what do you actually share in common with Kel? I guess I'm looking for a reason for you to stay with him.
 
When we first started dating, activism wasn't as big a part of my life. We would go to community events together. We would also go to music shows, see movies. We like art. We both have pretty broad tastes and open minds, so we would sample the pleasures our town has to offer. He kept me balanced. He is easy going. We play music together in a band. We have a really similar sense of humor and have a really good time together when we're not doing anything serious. But I guess the transition to 'serious relationship' is happening, and it's not going smoothly. I think a lot of that is to be expected. I don't know when to call it quits.
 
I also feel like we are in a committed relationship, and I don't want to leave him to deal with his problems alone. Part of being committed is working through problems together, problems with myself, with him, and with us.
 
Just from my past experience, alcoholism will eventually kill everything you love. Out of all of the problems I see with this, that is the major one. I might be jaded because of my personal experiences, but that is how I see it.
 
lovinhimloviner said:
Just from my past experience, alcoholism will eventually kill everything you love. Out of all of the problems I see with this, that is the major one. I might be jaded because of my personal experiences, but that is how I see it.
Click to expand...

This.
 
Hi FarieLady,

I think your insights are trying to get your attention. And from a single writing, I'd suspect that you may well be one of those people who are just going to be poly inclined all your life. No way of knowing where that came from. But you are seeing the evidence and need for balance in your life. It's extremely rare that any one person can fulfill all our various needs for connections, shared passions. etc. The broader and more complex you are, the harder it becomes.

And I think this realization is something that pulls a lot of people off the mono path. For them, it's just not a good fit, always going to be a struggle with a lot of bitterness and resentments bubbling under the surface. Not the best way to live.

Keep thinking, talking and learning. Trust your insights, especially when they are substantiated.
 
Balance is a good thing in life, I think. I used to be an activist and got so into it the rest of my life blurred. I lost perspective and people that I could have influenced and enjoyed just by being me.

Your gut will give you the answer, but also it could be a case of NRE. Give it some time. Don't dump the baby out with the bath water. Try and stay present when you are with either guy. Remind yourself that one is new to you, like a new toy, and the other isn't. Maybe they are an old favorite, or maybe you have grown out of them. Time will tell.
 
Hi Fearie. I'm relatively new to this and have written elsewhere about what an epiphany I had when I discovered that other people have these strong non-exclusive feelings.

Don't try again to be mono. From what you've written, I am pretty sure you aren't that. Listen to the more experienced people here. Loving a mono is fraught with difficulties because they just do not understand us. Bless them, they have to take on trust that we truly love them and override all their feelings by acts of willpower. Not sure I could do that if the boot were on t'other foot.

As has been said, things like alcoholism are a whole other problem. If you love him, get him help. This is not from my personal experience, but a drug problem warps your perceptions.
 
Yep, I agree with the others that the fact your partner is alcoholic is your major problem. That isn't something you can deal with unless he acknowledges it and seeks help for himself.

Mr Rusty, I find your description of monos more than a little patronizing. Generalizations like you're making are really unhelpful in mono/poly relationships. Many of us invest a great deal of time and effort to understand our partners and I believe many of us succeed. We are constantly faced with having to defend them in the face of condemnation from the wider community and it would be nice to receive a little sincere, rather than condescending, acknowledgment in return.

Your sort of attitude really gets up my nose.
 
Last edited:
I don't see where Mr Rusty said anything bad or wrong at all. From my own personal situation I know that my husband's gf, who is mono, does not understand us. That is not to say she doesn't love him; she just doesn't get it. She just has to trust that he loves her, and that's that. This way of living does not change that. Maybe you can explain what part of that post you didn't care for. I read it 4 times trying to figure it out.
 
Dear FL,

I'm not one for giving advice, but Al-Anon is a terrific support for someone living with/loving an alcoholic. There are usually meetings all over the place. You could check online. Al-Anon is not for the alcoholic, directly, it is for the people whose lives are affected by someone else's drinking. The fact that you even came out and stated that he has the problem is a huge step! It makes it hard to focus on yourself when you are worried about someone else's drinking problem. Best of luck to you!
 
Loving a mono is fraught with difficulties because they just do not understand us. Bless them, they have to take on trust that we truly love them and override all their feelings by acts of willpower.
Click to expand...

I guess you have to be mono to be offended. The way this is written makes it sound like we are incapable of understanding polys. "Bless them" is something generally said to children or someone not quite with it. I agree that some monos never really understand their poly partner, but that is certainly not true of all of us.

Personally, if I couldn't understand poly, and had to spend my whole life willing myself to trust that I'm loved, I wouldn't be in this relationship.
 
Sage, I looked at your blog. It's good to know of a place where monos can read a personal story and thoughts on mono/poly relationships. Well done. I really enjoyed it. :)

I don't see the offense either, although I could see how someone could. I don't think it was meant to be condescending. I guess if the author wants to clarify, then that will be the only way to find out. I saw it as that they we're being empathetic towards monos and the struggle they have. Maybe I just use "bless them" differently? I dunno.

I am interested in your last comments on how you have come to a place of understanding. My bf Mono hasn't at all. If you have been reading along about our lives together, you will know the compromises we have both made. I would love to know what you have learned. It might help us. Maybe here isn't the place, but on my blog would be good. He is staying, and so am I, and we are definitely trusting in our love at this point. Always have been, really.

Sorry for the hijack, folks.
 
I got the same "hit" from that post that Sage did. It seemed to me that Mr Rusty was saying that polyamory is definitely superior to monoamory, and that being monoamorous is flawed in some way, because mono people need more willpower to overcome their problems with not being able to trust the love of a polyamorous person. Maybe it was not intended to mean that, but came across to us that way just due to how it was written.
 
nycindie said:
I got the same "hit" from that post that Sage did. It seemed to me that Mr Rusty was saying that poly is definitely superior to mono, and that being mono is flawed in some way.
Click to expand...

I value candour, but please can you try not to be quite so condemning? :eek:

NYCindie, Sage, I guess I can see how you have got there. But I am not saying polyamory is superior to monoamory, just that I am continually stunned by the amount of emotional effort my partner is putting into letting me be myself, even though what I do hurts her. I extrapolated that a lot of mono partners of poly people have the same scenario. They definitely have the bad end of the deal. How can you argue with that?

I am not sure that I (as a person, not representing all polyamorous people), would be loving enough to do the same if we swapped. It is I that is inferior, I believe.

Okay, perhaps 'bless them' was a bit patronising, but please believe it came out of a heartfelt empathy for the situation of a mono who loves a poly.

Hopefully this goes some way to mitigating.
 
MrRusty said:
nycindie said:
I got the same "hit" from that post that Sage did. It seemed to me that MrRusty was saying that poly is definitely superior to mono, and that being mono is flawed in some way
Click to expand...

Well, I value candour but please can you try not to be quite so condemning!
:eek:
Click to expand...
I wasn't condemning you! You have a right to your opinions, whatever they are! I was just saying that I had a reaction to what you wrote, similar to a reaction someone else had, and expressed for me what it "seemed like" you meant -- in the hopes of getting clarification. Quite often, what is posted online is misunderstood. There was no intention to condemn you.

Cindie, Sage, I guess I can see how you have got there but I am NOT saying poly is superior to mono, just that I am continually stunned by the amount of emotional effort my partner is putting in to letting me be myself even though what I do hurts her. I extrapolated that a lot of mono partners of poly people have the same scenario. They DEFINITELY have the bad end of the deal - how can you argue with that?

I am not sure that I - as a person, not representing all polys - would be loving enough to the same if we swapped. It's me that's inferior I believe.

Okay, perhaps 'bless them' was a bit patronising but please believe it came out of a heartfelt empathy for the situation of a mono who loves a poly.:eek:

Hopefully this goes some way to mitigating!
Click to expand...
Got it. Much clearer now. I don't know if a mono would always necessarily agree that they have the "bad end" of the deal, however, or why would they stay in a mono/poly relationship at all? Also, I would hazard a guess that it probably takes the same amount of emotional work for both parties in a mono/poly relationship, but each just has different issues or stuff to work on. I do understand better what you meant, though. Thanks!
 
Last edited:
nycindie said:
I don't know if a mono would always necessarily agree that they have the "bad end" of the deal, however, or why would they stay in a mono/poly relationship at all?
Click to expand...

Well, I'm pretty sure my mono partner reckons she has the sticky end of things, but it's nice if others don't have that issue.

As to why she'd stay, maybe 30 years together, and the fact that we still love each other, might have something to do with it. :)
 
You're forgiven, Mr Rusty. :)

I agree with everything NYCindie said. There maybe some monos who stay with their polys out of fear (although personally I think it would just be too uncomfortable), but the ones I communicate with on the poly/mono board and here are largely in their relationships because they serve them very well.

Some of us do work hard, especially initially, but often something that is hard work is appreciated all the more.

I agree with NYCindie also in that there are different issues on both sides. And while my end was probably more "sticky" in the beginning, I no longer think that's the case. My poly/mono relationship has enabled me to grow to the point where I am really, really happy and content within it. My partner is also very happy. But he still has to contend with being parted from his OSO most of the time, and I know he misses her. He has a need to push himself forward toward new relationships, which can be fun and exciting, but can also be draining. I honestly wouldn't trade.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top