Advice please - new gal interested in poly, but I'm uncertain

[OpenUncertain]

To set the stage, we've been dating only a month. Things in the bedroom are fun and exciting! She's even expressing interest in opening the relationship up! I've not done that, but have a decent understanding of what it means, and the level of honesty and communication required for it to work, through some light research and a few run-ins with those in the community. By no means experienced. However, I've expressed interest in being open minded to the possibility. I'm fairly well-grounded and independent, but I do tend to do poorly with boundaries (I'll push my limits until they're broken).

The problem I have; before our discussions even got to what each other is comfortable with (we haven't even set open/exclusive definition), she told me that her upcoming trip this weekend (6 days away) is to meet up with her guy friend. This guy is in an open marriage, in which my new interest is involved as some type of intimate relationship. The little I know about what they have is a fairly long history as friends that turned physical from their mutual attraction. I don't really have an issue with whatever arrangement they have as it seems, from what she's telling me and what I know about polyamory, to be open and honest with all parties involved... except for me.

She's pretty much decided she's going on this trip as they've had it planned since before her and I even met. It also sounds like she's willing to pull back the reins on the level of contact they have on this trip (it's in Vegas btw - her and I are in MN, he's in Cali) based on my level of comfort. She's expressed interest in having yours truly as her "primary."

I don't feel like it's my place to get involved with arrangements they have set. I haven't even had much chance to evaluate how I feel about what I would really want in an open relationship. I've basically told her as much, and would like more time to think about it - what it means for her and I, but to go and enjoy each other on the trip. I really don't want to muddy those waters. Yet I'm kinda uncomfortable with the situation that I'm left with, and feel there's some level of deceit or even manipulation on her part for not making her arrangements known to me a little sooner. Not a good place to start, but it's possible I'm misinterpreting what's happening, not understanding, or haven't been asking the real questions.
Advice would be GREATLY appreciated... everything from questions I need to be asking (myself AND her), to thoughts on her level of honesty, to things that I may be overthinking, anything else I'm missing?

 

[vinsanity0]

This is why I tell people to be up front with someone before it becomes a "thing". Even so, you are only at the two month mark so it's not that serious yet. I think you have a healthy attitude about not muddying those waters. Maybe when she gets back you two can talk about where your relationship is heading. Right now you are just sort of dating

 

[Bluebird]

I think she should have been up front with you from the very beginning about being polyamorous, because waiting two months in is deceitful. It certainly would make me wonder what other surprises are in store. However, that’s over and done with, so there’s not much to be said about it, if you feel you can trust her moving forward.

I definitely recommend the book More Than Two - maybe get a head start on reading it. Check out some blogs here and ask questions.

Some people have a hierarchy and some don’t. You’ve only been dating for two months - how does she define primary?

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

More people might respond if you edit the post to have some breaks in between paragraphs. I find it hard to read "wall of text."

I do tend to do poorly with boundaries (I'll push my limits until they're broken).

What does that mean? Could you be willing to clarify?

Are you saying it is your habit to just nod and go along with whatever in relationships? You don't tell people "No" or "Stop it" until you are well past your limits or seriously hurting? If so, you could work on that. Be less passive and actually participate in your relationships. Speak up way sooner for what you need to be comfortable in relationships. Make decisions faster. Develop a personal standard and if people don't make the cut? They just don't make the cut. Not compatible.

I find this area more concerning than figuring out if your dating partner of 1 month is deeply compatible or not. Because that's what dating is FOR to me -- to sort out the compatible ones from the ones that are not. Not everyone you date is destined to be a long haul runner. They might be initially compatible, but through the dating process your learn that you are not deeply compatible. And that is ok.

So you are in the dating process. Go ahead and figure out if this person is deeply compatible.

It also sounds like she's willing to pull back the reins on the level of contact they have on this trip (it's in Vegas btw - her and I are in MN, he's in Cali) based on my level of comfort. She's expressed interest in having yours truly as her "primary."

Could stop overthinking and could keep it simpler on you. Tell her what your level of comfort IS at this point in time. I see it as two basic choices for you.

1) Nope. No more discussion. If she IS a manipulator -- just say no thanks and bow out RIGHT NOW. Well before you are seriously hurting or pushed way beyond your limits. She can hook up with whoever because you are leaving. You are not comfortable dating a manipulator. If you still want to pursue Open relationships? You can do that with other people don't manipulate.

2) You take her offer to accommodate your need for more time. Could say "Ok. I'm not comfortable. I thought you were single when we met, now you tell me you have a long term FWB person. Go have fun visiting but I prefer you not hook up with your FWB on this trip. Give me more time to digest this whole open relationship thing and if I want to participate here or not first. I really wish you had brought this up sooner and not a month in."

• A) That's not you "butting in" or "muddying" her arrangements with her FWB. That is you stating where YOU are at. If she is offering to accommodate you and make your needs the priority at this time? Could take the accommodation and tell her where your comfort level lies. Presumably she wouldn't offer things she cannot actually deliver on. If she does? She's the one muddying her own waters.

• B) If the offer was just "for show?" She says she will hold off and accommodate your need to have more time to think things out? But really just wanted to offer to make herself look good and gets pissy when you actually take her up on it? That is insight into her character and you might decide to just end it. You might not find her trustworthy enough for other reasons.

• C) If she does keep her word? She goes slow so you aren't having to digest a bunch of things at once and is trying to give you the time you need? Apologizes for not telling you sooner she's got a FWB in her network? Then maybe you decide to keep working with her and keep discussing the whole Open thing when she comes back. To decide if you consent to keep dating and keep going with an open/poly model of some kind or if you stop dating.

And DO discuss. Take lots of time.

Just because you both might be up for some kind of Open, doesn't mean you are deeply compatible to do so. You may find she wants one kind of Open and you want another. Right now? She seems to assume that you two would be practicing a "primary-secondary" type model when you don't even know what sort of open models YOU might want.

Could read while she's gone. That link is not definitive but it is a starting place. Here are more.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com/

I haven't even had much chance to evaluate how I feel about what I would really want in an open relationship. I've basically told her as much, and would like more time to think about it - what it means for her and I, but to go and enjoy each other on the trip. I really don't want to muddy those waters. Yet I'm kinda uncomfortable with the situation that I'm left with, and feel there's some level of deceit or even manipulation on her part for not making her arrangements known to me a little sooner.

Well, if you say "Oh, I'm ok with you hooking up" when you really are not? Isn't that some level of deceit on your part?

It isn't like you are speaking your truth and taking steps to BE comfortable in this situation. You don't have to be aggressive. Just more assertive.

Could go back and say "On further thought, I find I am NOT actually ok. I prefer you NOT hook up on this trip. Could you be willing to hold off?" She hasn't left yet. There's time.

If she's been reticent about bringing all these things up sooner because she also doesn't speak up for what she REALLY wants -- like you seem to do? You both have to learn to speak up way sooner and stop all the pussyfooting around if you are going to do some kind of Open together.

Clear, prompt communication helps minimize misunderstandings. A "wavering about" communication style does not help minimize misunderstandings. To me it just increases frustration.

Both could expect selves to articulate what it is they actually want. Partners cannot be mind readers.

1 month in -- you might be willing to forgive a rough start and her not disclosing her FWB sooner provided that from this point on if she steps it up. But you have to be more forthright too. If you are dating... then DATE. Put all cards on the table PLAIN. What you are seeking, what you are not up for, what you are up for, etc. Actually TALK to each other.

Galagirl

 

[OpenUncertain]

What does that mean? Could you be willing to clarify?

Are you saying it is your habit to just nod and go along with whatever in relationships? You don't tell people "No" or "Stop it" until you are well past your limits or seriously hurting? If so, you could work on that. Be less passive and actually participate in your relationships. Speak up way sooner for what you need to be comfortable in relationships. Make decisions faster. Develop a personal standard and if people don't make the cut? They just don't make the cut. Not compatible.
Galagirl

Yes, I think you've summed it up pretty well. I have a pretty passive approach in general, and can put my own feelings aside. This is definitely something that I've struggled with and DO need to work on. I appreciate the words of encouragement. This is the perfect time for me to work on putting being more assertive into practice.

Well, if you say "Oh, I'm ok with you hooking up" when you really are not? Isn't that some level of deceit on your part?
It isn't like you are speaking your truth and taking steps to BE comfortable in this situation. You don't have to be aggressive. Just more assertive.
Galagirl

This goes along with my struggle of setting boundaries. I'm trying to BE ok with the arrangement she already has set up. While I'm struggling with where my comfort level even IS (that takes a bit of time for me), it's hard to communicate that in a way that doesn't sour what they have. I've been trying to be sensitive to the arrangement they have, and making that my primary deciding factor. I can't take myself out of this picture anymore, as I've now been placed here... I've been given a voice and I need to express it. I think you hit the nail on the head with me needing to be more assertive... if I'm not totally comfortable, it needs to at least be voiced, regardless of how they decide to spend their time together... that's up to them.

Clear, prompt communication helps minimize misunderstandings. A "wavering about" communication style does not help minimize misunderstandings. To me it just increases frustration.
Galagirl

Message received!

Thank you for ALL the thoughts and considerations. They're very helpful, and I appreciate the time taken to help out a struggling stranger. I'll be sure to review some of the resources as well.

 

[SlowPoly]

To set the stage, we've been dating only a month.

... before our discussions even got to what each other is comfortable with (we haven't even set open/exclusive definition), she told me that her upcoming trip this weekend (6 days away) is to meet up with her guy friend.

What I'm hearing is that this relationship is so new, you haven't even establish that "dating" for the two of you, right now, means monogamous together. While I would wish that everyone just put poly/open right out front, there are plenty of people who don't know that's a best practice - just look at recent threads.

I have no idea whether your "new gal" sees poly as an option or a definite need, or why she would wait to tell you she was going on a trip with an intimate friend. But just a few weeks in, maybe she has been trying to balance out missing the chance to see her LDR with her desire to get to know you better, audition you for a long-term partner, and test the waters for whether you'd need her to be monogamous.

So, yes, she didn't tell you everything about existing (but negotiable?) relationships up front. But if you didn't discuss monogamy/exclusivity when you started "dating," or hadn't "set definitions," this is (to me) easily chalked up to messy start-up, not manipulation, or deceit with malice aforethought.

I don't really have an issue with whatever arrangement they have as it seems, from what she's telling me and what I know about polyamory, to be open and honest with all parties involved... except for me.

Again, one month in? She isn't doing a great job at start-up on this new relationship, but she IS letting you know what she needs (to go on the trip) and what she's willing to do (to take into account your comfort level? "sounds like she's willing" is a bit weak - could clarify with her). Could take her at her word, and decide if you want to be along for this ride, for now. Could say what's bothered you about the timing of sharing the info about her planned trip and her relationship with this person. Could say what you do and don't know about what you want for the immediate, soon, and later future.

She's expressed interest in having yours truly as her "primary."

This is an important idea, and a great place to start a discussion. Defining what she means by that, and whether she sees that as a thing to set as beginning *now*, or a thing to work toward, and what that process looks like to her. I feel like so much of this could just be a mismatch of where on the relationship timeline the two of you think you are.


I really like your approach of not jumping to conclusions -- taking time to learn about open/poly and yourself, questioning both her actions and your own reactions, expecting to do research and have lots of conversations. A new relationship is not an emergency. But that also means that she might feel the need to continue relating to others as something between single and partnered, until there's definition around the two of you. Maybe the two of you could talk about how to handle the transition from free agents to team players, since you're being so (admirably) deliberate about choosing the game and setting house rules.

Even if this relationship isn't a runner, I hope you are pleased with how you are approaching it, and with what you're learning.

As well as other resources mentioned above, you might check out the Multiamory podcast. Gobs of good stuff in there.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello OpenUncertain,

It would have been nice if she would have come clean a month ago about open/poly and her guy friend, but, there are different schools of thought about how soon to "come out," and maybe she figured she could wait until something long-term seemed to be emerging between her and you. It's not a completely cut and dry question, I guess is what I'm saying.

In the meantime, you now know that she has a guy friend, and that she wants an open relationship with you. It's not like you can unknow that, so, what are you going to do with that information? Would you tell/ask her to break up with her guy friend, and be monogamous with you? What would you do if she said no? Would you break up with her? Do you want an open relationship? Do you want that particular guy friend to be in the picture? If you're not sure yet of what you want, how can you decide? I suppose you can just take some time to learn more about polyamory. This forum is a great place to do that; I also recommend that you read the book, "Opening Up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships," by Tristan Taormino.

Hopefully that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

Glad it helped some.

This goes along with my struggle of setting boundaries. I'm trying to BE ok with the arrangement she already has set up.

I'm not sure we are talking about the same thing.

While I'm struggling with where my comfort level even IS (that takes a bit of time for me), it's hard to communicate that in a way that doesn't sour what they have. I've been trying to be sensitive to the arrangement they have, and making that my primary deciding factor.

For your OWN self care? If you are concerned you are being manipulated? I don't see why YOU are not the primary deciding factor. Rather than their arrangement.

Because you thought you were signing up for one thing -- (dating a single person) or (considering open relationships with a single person.)

And now it turns out to be another -- (considering open relationship with someone who already has other partner you were not made aware of.)

I'm not asking you to consider (if you are ok with them being FWB). I am asking you (if you are ok with how this info came to light) and (how you want to share YOUR body). Maybe you decide whatever they do is up to them, but you are not sharing your body with her and sharing sex with her until all this is sorted out more clearly.

• If you are NOT comfortable with how her having another partner came out and it was like "keeping things in the dark, manipulating me" then be ok NOT being comfortable and make a choice to leave. You are the one there. You know if this is manipulation or not.

• If this is not manipulation level... just you are uncomfortable with how it came out? BUT are willing to keep negotiating and trying? You can speak up about your communication preferences. Like "Look, I'm not crazy about how this came out. I prefer to be informed much more quickly. I'm going to chalk that one up to us still getting to know how we each work. Moving forward, could you be willing to be more up front?"
  And expect more prompt communication in future.

• If you are comfortable with how it came out and you are just ok with things coming up whenever? You can say "I'm ok with how this came up." And expect things to come up whenever in future.

I can't take myself out of this picture anymore, as I've now been placed here...

Not so. You always have choices. You can leave a "picture" or situation if you don't want to be there. Every relationship has bumps. You figure out what kind and how often you are willing to put up with or not.

I've been given a voice and I need to express it. I think you hit the nail on the head with me needing to be more assertive... if I'm not totally comfortable, it needs to at least be voiced, regardless of how they decide to spend their time together... that's up to them.

Correct. You could use your voice more. You CAN make requests. Like...

"On further thought, I find I am NOT actually ok with how all this came out. I prefer you NOT hook up on this trip. Could you be willing to hold off so I have more time to consider all this?"

She hasn't left yet. There's time to ask her that.

She can either say "Yes, I can accommodate that."

Or she can say "No, I will not accommodate that."

And then you make your next choices from there.

It is totally ok to take up the space you do in the world, and totally ok to make your preferences and what's going on with you known.

If nothing else, even if it doesn't pan out with this dating partner? You could call it a life experience thing and you can approach your next dating partner with improved skills, perhaps.

Galagirl

 

[PurpleSun]

The first mistake was her not telling you about her poly status and existing arrangement upfront. That is literally one of the first things I tell people when they show any interest at all. It's a deal breaker for a lot of people. Since you are new to poly, firstly, I think it is good you have done research, etc. However, here are a few things that would concern me:

• 
  Why did she wait to tell you? Granted you're only two months in. This is still the "get to know you" phase. Still, though. You should have known about this before now.
  
  Are you doing poly because you want this girl, or because it is really a relationship orientation/style you are truly okay with? Be honest with her, and, most importantly, with YOURSELF. That is a terrible reason to be poly, and it will blow up in your face if this is the case.
  
  Define your relationship boundaries, and be honest with yourself about what you are really comfortable with. Don't just go along with what she wants just to keep this budding relationship going. It's better to know now if there are serious compatibility issues rather than down the road when things are truly serious.

All in all, it seems you have a healthy outlook on this whole thing. I'd suggest looking at this multiamory.com podcast on things to ask at the beginning of a relationship. Good luck!

 

[OpenUncertain]

******
UPDATE
******

First of all, I can't thank you all enough for the willingness and ability to help me clearly evaluate my situation. I just finished a conversation with her that was very enlightening. More details below, but I must give credit where credit is due. While I may have been able to stumble through some of this on my own, I'm certain the results would be different (in a not-so-good way), and wouldn't be feeling the level of relief I feel as I do NOW.

I'm happy to know there's a community out there with the level of support, and wisdom, that you're all showing here. These are not easy matters, and I feel blessed to be treated with grace (and tough love where needed haha)

If curious, here's the nature of our recent discussion...

I entered stating that I wasn't as comfortable with the situation as I may have previously implied. My current difficulty being that I don't have a full understanding of her needs and wants, and how that relates to what she's getting from him, or may want from me.

I did not state any desire to set limitations I may be comfortable with UNTIL I understood what level of consent she felt I deserved. I'm glad I did... my consent doesn't appear to mean much to her on this trip. That's from a combination of her, I'll call it, "excitement level" for the trip as well as the relationship with me being so new and undefined.

She abhors the idea of being controlled (which I understand and respect), and feels it's not really my place to ask them for restraint. So, that answers THAT.

It's also probably worth noting that I think I was able to get the message across that I would have appreciated more openness. She admitted assumption that (and expressed guilt about) I would be ok with their arrangement. She correctly identified this as a violation, and I simply confirmed and told her we can address that later.

She seems to lack the level of awareness and sensitivity to my feelings that I'm looking for, and will need to address further... if I so choose.

Maybe not what I was hoping for, but at least some level of ground rules or expectations are set before their rendezvous. I now feel like I can take some time to evaluate what I'd like to do moving forward. Not only do I feel some breathing room from urgency, but I can also approach with a clear conscience that I'm not unwittingly violating her boundaries.

Thank you ALL!

 

[Magdlyn]

I remember when I was in between freshman and sophomore years in college. I ended up dating 4 men at once. They were all from different social circles and I didn't see the need to tell any of them about the others. This was back in the early '70's, pre HIV/AIDs.

At the end of the summer, all relationships but one broke up. I wasn't serious with any of them. One however, was a long term FWB. He loved me but I just liked him.

That fall back at school I met a new guy. We fell for each other fast. Deep NRE, felt like love. However, I had made plans for the FWB guy from home to come visit me at college, a 2 hour train trip.

When I told my new bf of one month about this planned visit, I assumed he'd be OK with me having sex with my old friend. I was wrong, he was appalled at the idea. He was a very jealous type.

Being only 19 and stupid, I had the FWB come anyway. I'd decided to not have sex with him, to keep the new bf who said he'd walk if I had sex with my old FWB. I told FWB when he got to my college that we wouldn't be having sex. He slept in my roommate's room (she was away for the weekend). I slept upstairs with new bf.

When I came down in the morning I saw FWB had left in the night. I felt SO bad, so guilty, and for years I was ashamed of my behavior.

Just a perspective from the other side.

 

[Evie]

She's even expressing interest in opening the relationship up!

Sounds already open to me.

You and her may learn together what, where, when and how to have conversations about your, or just her, secondary relationships (if you both still want you to be her primary after this), but as you've already discussed, you're never going to control her, and sometimes her priorities will lie elsewhere. Because her secondaries/fwbs/lovers/whatever deserve to be her priority when she is present with them. Can you avoid intruding (blowing up her phone) during these times?

All the best with moving forward.

 

[lunabunny]

One aspect of her other relationship/friendship I didn't see anyone mention above:

You should definitely discuss what measures you need her to take in regards to safe/r sex in order to feel protected, should she decide to hook up with the other guy during their time away.

Do not simply assume her methods and values are the same as yours.

 

[GalaGirl]

She's pretty much decided she's going on this trip as they've had it planned since before her and I even met. It also sounds like she's willing to pull back the reins on the level of contact they have on this trip (it's in Vegas btw - her and I are in MN, he's in Cali) based on my level of comfort. She's expressed interest in having yours truly as her "primary."

does not seem to line up with

my consent doesn't appear to mean much to her on this trip.

She abhors the idea of being controlled (which I understand and respect), and feels it's not really my place to ask them for restraint.

Does she mean "I don't like exercising self control. I like doing whatever I want when I want" when she says that?

Because if she doesn't want to limit herself in order to consider your comfort level accommodate you... why offer to accommodate you in the first place? That's why I was wondering if the offer was "just to look good" and not actually sincere.

In the end, you really cannot control what she does. All you can control is what YOU do.

And you CAN request things or ask things. You are free to do so.

Just like she is free to tell you "No, not going to do that" or "Yes, going to do that" or something in between.

I find it funny that she doesn't "want to be controlled"... yet she wants to control the topics you are "allowed" to ask about when you are trying to figure out what exactly you can expect to get/not get in this relationship if you agree to continue with her. You are just supposed to enter this going in blind?

She seems to lack the level of awareness and sensitivity to my feelings that I'm looking for, and will need to address further... if I so choose.

If she's not esp aware/considerate to the level you would like in a dating partner, then this potential might not be compatible enough for you.

Besides... what kind of "primary-ness" is she offering you if she isn't esp aware/considerate of you?

At minimum? You could refrain from sharing any sex or at least unprotected sex with her while sorting all this out and deciding if this is worth it or not.

Because on her side it she pretty much does what she wants. It's her body, and she can do that.

But YOUR body is yours and you can do what you want with it too.

I agree with lunabunny. Take steps to take care of you.

Galagirl

 

[Magdlyn]

GG and luna, your views are valid but don't take into consideration that the OP's relationship with her new gf are merely one month old. As I said in my post, I was upset at having to choose between an old friend of many years, and a new bf of one month, who, honestly, I barely knew.

Of course, I chose new bf, because he lived in my college town, and old hometown FWB lived 2 hours away. Also, I wasn't and never had been, as sexually and romantically attracted to him as I was to new bf. But I sure liked him a lot. And the sex was fun and enhanced our time together, and had done for 2 years, ages to a teenager.

FWB and I had history, and I hurt him very much by telling him he wasn't going to get to sleep with me after spending time and money coming to see me, and was probably very excited to have the sex. And I was too!

I think in the olden days, we weren't expected to "go steady" after one month. This all just seems like a similar situation, with the new person saying "choose me or I walk."

OpenUncertain wants to be Number 1 after one month, be guaranteed fidelity, sexual primacy, etc., etc. I understand that is an expectation in mono culture. I just rankle at the idea a bit that her new gf has to choose now, when she barely knows OpenUncertain, and has a long history with the old friend.

So many movies end badly when a person has to choose. I just watched Gone With the Wind again. Scarlett loved both men, Ashley AND Rhett. She lost both because she loved both. Ashley loved her and Melanie. He lost both also. It's just too sad. Is there really ever a "one and only" in the world for anyone?

 

[GalaGirl]

I can see where having to choose is sad.

Yet I wonder if this might be where we might be crossing wires?

OpenUncertain wants to be Number 1 after one month, be guaranteed fidelity, sexual primacy, etc., etc. I understand that is an expectation in mono culture.

I didn't get that from the original post.

She's expressed interest in having yours truly as her "primary."

I don't feel like it's my place to get involved with arrangements they have set. I haven't even had much chance to evaluate how I feel about what I would really want in an open relationship.

To me it sounded more like OpenUncertain wasn't sure what she wants from this, and it's the GF who is wanting to make her primary.... maybe kinda rushing her to decide/accept that model.

And OpenUncertain isn't feeling great about things going so fast and acknowledges she's not great at setting personal boundaries.

So I am coming from the place of --- It's only 1 month in. If OpenUncertain wonders if she is being manipulated into something? Maybe it isn't so hot and it's ok to pass on it. Or at least slow it down and tread carefully while first sorting out what she herself actually wants and if this is the person she wants to try that with.

NOT make any commitments here just because the GF is pushing for a primary-secondary model and OP in the past has tended to go "ok, whatever you say" in relationships.

Galagirl

 

[OpenUncertain]

Thanks again for the continued support and thoughts to consider as I wrangle with all kinds of new emotions, ideas, and concepts in a sort time. I've come back to this so many times for moe views and reminders. It's really helped!

To put it or there for clarification, I'm a 36yo man, straight, and monogamous. Not that it totally matters, but I'm new here and thought I'd give myself a little better intro for consistency. My bad for not clarifying earlier (more on THAT haha).

Her and I have continued further, much deeper discussions in the last couple days. Primarily to gain knowledge of each other's expectations going in that we had obviously missed, since I was caught pretty off-guard and confused.

She will only feel compelled to restrain from sex with her FWB only once the "committed relationship" point were reached. I trust that she would restrain, now that I have a better understanding of her needs & wants, but she simply doesn't feel compelled to because we hadn't set boundaries yet. She does have interest in me for a LTR, but the timing has been just all wrong.

We've established we both messed up...
I felt the right to know about other partners before we had sex, but didn't bother asking. She assumed that since she's comfortable having sex with multiple people, that I'd be ok with it. (That's not the only place we messed up, but we have gotten to a place of honesty and understanding)

I've been able to establish that I'd be uncomfortable with her hooking up with him, and that if she does (it's a forgone conclusion at this point), I'm going to need to re-evaluate how I feel about continuing to see her. I pretty much left it there.

Now, it's my time to take a step back and do some honest soul searching. I've felt insecurities come pouring in that need to be dealt with. I'm pulling way back as I must first gain a better understanding of my "self" as I kinda got lost in the situation.

This weekend I'll be working on detachment and questioning my views on monogamy. I'm certainly going to keep diving into poly research too. Some healthy, long-overdue stuff there. Keep the resources coming, please!



QUOTE=Magdlyn;396306]
Just a perspective from the other side.[/QUOTE]
I appreciate that. I am sympathetic to her side as she obviously isn't very well versed in navigating early poly relationships from what I'm picking up in my readings, and from her. She's not guilty of ill-intent, just carelessness... which may be forgiven

you're never going to control her, and sometimes her priorities will lie elsewhere. Because her secondaries/fwbs/lovers/whatever deserve to be her priority when she is present with them. Can you avoid intruding (blowing up her phone) during these times?

Very well stated. This concept is new to me, so the reminder is helpful.

At minimum? You could refrain from sharing any sex or at least unprotected sex with her while sorting all this out and deciding if this is worth it or not.

But YOUR body is yours and you can do what you want with it too.

I agree with lunabunny. Take steps to take care of you.

Very good point. She's expressed high caution with safe sex. I trust her there. I cautiously trust she'll be honest with me once the trip is done. That's something I plan to assess later... unless that's highly un-recommended?

To me it sounded more like OpenUncertain wasn't sure what he[sic] wants from this, and it's the GF who is wanting to make him[sic] primary.... maybe kinda rushing him[sic] to decide/accept that model.

You're close. She was trying to explain what her vision of a polyamorous relationship looks like to her. Not necessarily with me. I had inserted myself in there. She's giving me strong signals I'm a candidate for her model, but she's not there yet.

Thank you all so much!

 

[dingedheart]

You might want to ask yourself / her what the job of primary is. Also it sounds like proximity is an issue at the moment. Would she be suggesting this to you if this old flame lived in the same city ?? How much time off does she get a yr ??

FWIW being “the primary” isnt as great as it might sound. Seriously you might want to consider letting her find a primary and keep things how they are now ....light and fun....and always wear a condom.

 

[OpenUncertain]

You might want to ask yourself / her what the job of primary is. Also it sounds like proximity is an issue at the moment. Would she be suggesting this to you if this old flame lived in the same city ?? How much time off does she get a yr ??

FWIW being “the primary” isnt as great as it might sound. Seriously you might want to consider letting her find a primary and keep things how they are now ....light and fun....and always wear a condom.

I do have a decent understanding of what her idea of a primary is. It's not unreasonable to me, as exclusivity is on the table (for me, and she get's value out of), and exploration possible (for her, and I may have fun)

Her fling started when he was out of state, and is likely to remain so for the foreseeable future. I was given the impression the flling's wife isn't open to moving. I didn't feel it was my place to pry there, at least until my stuff is more clear. However, it may be worth asking that what-if location question... she's obviously just working with what she can get, and I don't know some deeper motivations with him specifically.

I'm seriously questioning compatibility here, but again, I haven't properly established my boundaries. I have literally no idea how long it will take, but I'm hoping to sort stuff out soon.

Right now it's feeling like my limits are far too conservative for her to enjoy, but I don't know. She's going to want to continue this with me, at least emotionally, and I've already lost a level of respect for her that will get in the way of my physical desire. I would probably just end it if I can't handle this type of relationship at this time.

 

[SlowPoly]

I've already lost a level of respect for her that will get in the way of my physical desire.

In a one-month-old relationship, these words (hearing or feeling them) would end it for me.