Some months ago I posted about my attempts to come to terms with my wife about my polyamorousness. Many of you warned me away from trying to make a mono/poly marriage work. But I wanted to try as hard as I could. As I've come to realize that I am poly, I have tried never to make my wife feel insecure by bringing up divorce. I've told her that I loved her and didn't want to replace her with anyone else. There is nothing wrong with her. It's just that one person can't be everything to another person. Last summer she told me that if I was poly, I should ask her for a divorce. In my mind I thought, "How can she think I will do this, given that she is sick with endometriosis, and we are about to do our second round of IVF?"
Two weeks ago we sat down and I recalled that conversation. I told her that I now understood that when two people are at an impasse, divorce may be the only way, and that I will think about it seriously. I told that I understood her perspective and her confusion very well. She hadn't changed, she had remained constant. She hadn't done anything wrong; she had done her very best. I was the one who had realized what I wanted, as I'd grown older and more secure, more able to love myself, and less worried about the judgment of other people. But from her perspective, I was unrecognizable from the man she'd married. I told her that I was struggling with my intense feelings of gratitude and indebtedness for all of the care that she had given me, but also with my feelings of pity and a patriarchal sense that as her husband it was my job to take care of her no matter what the sacrifice to myself. "Whiteknighting," someone on this forum called it.
She took it in, and said that she was afraid for me because she thought that I was deliberately sabotaging my own happiness, and ruining our joint happiness as a result. I said that that might be true. However, having thought carefully about it, I realize that thinking about a poly future makes me feel very, very happy. It's just that I feel guilty about the possibility of feeling so happy at another's expense.
I have thought carefully about what I want, and, to my surprise, I want a separation and I want my freedom. I don't want to be married or cohabiting anymore. What amazes me is the speed to which I have come to this realization. I feel as if I am living in the future, that I can already feel the clean white sheets of my own bedroom and see the wood of my bookshelves.
My question is, how can I do this with kindness and love? How can I make this easy for her? How can I help her to value herself while we go through a separation? She has endometriosis, she fears she may not have children if we separate, she fears she won't find another man because sex is so painful for her, and she is out of a job (although she is an incredible worker and should in any fair job market be able to find a position).
When telling her that I would think carefully about divorce, I followed some advice that I had read that suggested using "I" statements, and just taking any anger or grief that she threw at me with as much calmness as I could. It worked fairly well, although she was very sad, and as we lay down on the bed, depressed, she put moves on me, trying to kiss me with her tongue and moving towards intimacy, which I stopped. In the past month she has said all kinds of hurtful and distressing things. She has said that what I want is polygamy. She says I want her permission to cheat on her. She implies that I am thinking about divorce because she is sick and I don't want the hassle of taking care of her in her illness. She says my therapist is giving me unprofessional advice, and that I should talk to someone else who will put me straight. She says I am a terrible role model for others. Yesterday she said, "What kind of a husband withholds sex from his wife unless he can have sex with other people?" (That is absolutely not what I am doing.)
I know that she is saying this because she is in pain, her world is falling apart because of me, and she has to vent. I am trying to listen without getting defensive, but eventually last night I said, "We're talking about divorce! We are beyond all of this now!" I left the room and lay on the sofa. I found myself unable to cry, so I had a bit of whisky and that helped me loosen the tears. I realized that I was internalizing what she was saying about me, and losing my sense of self-worth. That is how depression works for me in this relationship: I feel that I am not worth very much, therefore my happiness or desire is not worth much. What is worth something is other people's happiness, so I should forget about what I want and focus on what other people want. It also makes me want to kill myself except that I don't have any uncomplicated way of doing so, and I don't want to give her the trouble of taking me to the ER.
This is all very dramatic, I know, but I'm in it, and I'm in pain. Any advice on how to go through separation properly at this stage?
Two weeks ago we sat down and I recalled that conversation. I told her that I now understood that when two people are at an impasse, divorce may be the only way, and that I will think about it seriously. I told that I understood her perspective and her confusion very well. She hadn't changed, she had remained constant. She hadn't done anything wrong; she had done her very best. I was the one who had realized what I wanted, as I'd grown older and more secure, more able to love myself, and less worried about the judgment of other people. But from her perspective, I was unrecognizable from the man she'd married. I told her that I was struggling with my intense feelings of gratitude and indebtedness for all of the care that she had given me, but also with my feelings of pity and a patriarchal sense that as her husband it was my job to take care of her no matter what the sacrifice to myself. "Whiteknighting," someone on this forum called it.
She took it in, and said that she was afraid for me because she thought that I was deliberately sabotaging my own happiness, and ruining our joint happiness as a result. I said that that might be true. However, having thought carefully about it, I realize that thinking about a poly future makes me feel very, very happy. It's just that I feel guilty about the possibility of feeling so happy at another's expense.
I have thought carefully about what I want, and, to my surprise, I want a separation and I want my freedom. I don't want to be married or cohabiting anymore. What amazes me is the speed to which I have come to this realization. I feel as if I am living in the future, that I can already feel the clean white sheets of my own bedroom and see the wood of my bookshelves.
My question is, how can I do this with kindness and love? How can I make this easy for her? How can I help her to value herself while we go through a separation? She has endometriosis, she fears she may not have children if we separate, she fears she won't find another man because sex is so painful for her, and she is out of a job (although she is an incredible worker and should in any fair job market be able to find a position).
When telling her that I would think carefully about divorce, I followed some advice that I had read that suggested using "I" statements, and just taking any anger or grief that she threw at me with as much calmness as I could. It worked fairly well, although she was very sad, and as we lay down on the bed, depressed, she put moves on me, trying to kiss me with her tongue and moving towards intimacy, which I stopped. In the past month she has said all kinds of hurtful and distressing things. She has said that what I want is polygamy. She says I want her permission to cheat on her. She implies that I am thinking about divorce because she is sick and I don't want the hassle of taking care of her in her illness. She says my therapist is giving me unprofessional advice, and that I should talk to someone else who will put me straight. She says I am a terrible role model for others. Yesterday she said, "What kind of a husband withholds sex from his wife unless he can have sex with other people?" (That is absolutely not what I am doing.)
I know that she is saying this because she is in pain, her world is falling apart because of me, and she has to vent. I am trying to listen without getting defensive, but eventually last night I said, "We're talking about divorce! We are beyond all of this now!" I left the room and lay on the sofa. I found myself unable to cry, so I had a bit of whisky and that helped me loosen the tears. I realized that I was internalizing what she was saying about me, and losing my sense of self-worth. That is how depression works for me in this relationship: I feel that I am not worth very much, therefore my happiness or desire is not worth much. What is worth something is other people's happiness, so I should forget about what I want and focus on what other people want. It also makes me want to kill myself except that I don't have any uncomplicated way of doing so, and I don't want to give her the trouble of taking me to the ER.
This is all very dramatic, I know, but I'm in it, and I'm in pain. Any advice on how to go through separation properly at this stage?