That's a bit of progress! It sounds like it's gonna be rough around there for everyone for a while. Best wishes as the dust flies and eventually settles.
Am I an idiot?
- Thread starter Shyguy
- Start date
Like a trial separation, or they are divorcing?
Honestly, it doesn’t matter whether he pushes her or not—that’s not your responsibility. She’s the one who has to deal with him. You don’t have to deal with him at all. If she complains to you about it, you get to say, "I'm sorry he's pressuring you. But I cannot help you with that. That's your relationship to deal with, not mine."
Your focus could be on whether or not you want to stay in this marriage, now that she's cheated on your agreements.
The choices I see are:
- This is a dealbreaker for you, so you two break up and change to divorced coparents as peacefully as possible, under the circumstances.
- You two reconcile and stick with monogamy. She dumps Dude, because that's what monogamy means -- no other people.
- You two reconcile and decide to try for actual ethical polyamory. She ends things with Dude as a condition of starting this, because you don’t want to be in a poly V with her former affair partner.
Hang in there as this finishes sorting out.
Galagirl
Well, it’s been a week, and I think things are a little more stable, for now. We had a huge row a few days ago, which ended with me telling her that if we separated right now, there is no way it could be amicable, as I’ve been hurt so badly. This acted as a bit of a wake-up call, so we’ve agreed to try what I’d asked for originally — my wife and me as nesting partners, with her other partner as a regular part of her life. He is willing to give this a go too.
At this point, everyone is so tired and wrung out that a little stability for a while will be helpful. No one’s quite sure how the logistics will work with time zones and trips away or visits yet, but we’re trying not to look too far ahead. I do think there is a desire on all sides to approach this situation with tenderness and care as we find our way through this.
In the meantime, my wife is going to counselling, and we’ve agreed that we’ll investigate a new couples counselor after the holidays to try to repair our relationship. There are things to work on, and the new relationship has really shone a light on how we drifted apart as a couple, as well as the intimacy gap that exists. I don’t think it’s ideal that we work on all this with competing NRE, but we both want to try. I don’t know what the future looks like, and I’m aware I may be postponing the inevitable, but I’m more confident that my wife and I will make a decision on it together, rather than with me as a passenger on the runaway train of the new relationship.
There’s a quote from the poet Billy-Ray Belcourt that feels apt here, “To love someone is firstly to confess: I’m prepared to be devastated by you.” (You could say it’s the high-end version of the Michael Scott meme.)
Oh and btw, I booked that trip to Costa Rica. Looking forward to having some time for myself and visiting jungles and volcanoes!
At this point, everyone is so tired and wrung out that a little stability for a while will be helpful. No one’s quite sure how the logistics will work with time zones and trips away or visits yet, but we’re trying not to look too far ahead. I do think there is a desire on all sides to approach this situation with tenderness and care as we find our way through this.
In the meantime, my wife is going to counselling, and we’ve agreed that we’ll investigate a new couples counselor after the holidays to try to repair our relationship. There are things to work on, and the new relationship has really shone a light on how we drifted apart as a couple, as well as the intimacy gap that exists. I don’t think it’s ideal that we work on all this with competing NRE, but we both want to try. I don’t know what the future looks like, and I’m aware I may be postponing the inevitable, but I’m more confident that my wife and I will make a decision on it together, rather than with me as a passenger on the runaway train of the new relationship.
There’s a quote from the poet Billy-Ray Belcourt that feels apt here, “To love someone is firstly to confess: I’m prepared to be devastated by you.” (You could say it’s the high-end version of the Michael Scott meme.)
Oh and btw, I booked that trip to Costa Rica. Looking forward to having some time for myself and visiting jungles and volcanoes!
Hi Shyguy,
Thanks for that update, it sounds like things have improved somewhat, that is good to hear. I hope your Costa Rica trip is as awesome as it sounds, you deserve a little time to detox. Keep posting here as your situation evolves.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thanks for that update, it sounds like things have improved somewhat, that is good to hear. I hope your Costa Rica trip is as awesome as it sounds, you deserve a little time to detox. Keep posting here as your situation evolves.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
dingedheart
Well-known member
Are you taking this as a “win“? From where I sit, she might also be doing poly under duress.
I think the term "nesting partner" has become popular, as to replace the hierarchical loaded label of primary partner. I think both have the expectation of a romantic and sexual relationship with said partner. Is this your expectation, hope, dream? Or have you two sort of redefined the term to suit your cohabiting/coparenting situation?
That could be in no small part because of the wake-up call you delivered.
Definitely a win there. Plan A) play nice. Plan B) ugly divorce. You decide.There is a school of thought (I don’t know if it comes from the therapist/counseling community) that suggests couples or marriages in crisis take a break from outside lovers while trying to do repairs to the marriage. However, members here going through said situations have said, "Why would I want to enjoy or get used to solo focus, attention, spontaneity, only to have that ripped away again?"
He opted to keep the new routine and NRE-infused relationship on active status while they tried to work out their issues, because he thought it would be too painful or too nostalgic to toggle back and forth.
So true, my friend.
Awesome.
And you never know who could swim up to the pool bar. Don't close down the idea of taking in some of the local color.
Embrace the new reality.
YesThisIsDog242
Member
I’m pretty impressed with the fact that you’ve taken time for yourself, gotten to therapy, and voiced your needs in the relationship.
With that being said, I’d like to share some of my own story to see if it helps you. Feel free to discard it if it doesn’t resonate:
I also had a partner have an affair. I also had my partner come to me in a situation that was an intense case of “poly under duress”. Our relationship was also showing signs of decline/stress, and there have been lessons I’ve been trying to implement about how I contributed to that decline.
It happened in June 2025. I moved out about a month after I learned about the situation. After having time to process it with my therapist, I think how my partner handled the situation was emotionally abusive and neglectful.
- To continually have an affair, and then come to your partner saying that you want to be poly is telling them: “I have already decided this relationship is now polyamorous. You can either accept this completely, or you can leave." To put it lightly, it is an unethical situation to put on your partner that often leads to intense emotional distress. The more entwined your lives already are, the worse it is.
- My partner tried to place the ethical weight of his decision to have an affair onto me. What I contributed to the quality of OUR relationship was on me. His decision to have an affair was completely his, and I would argue that it’s a decision that showed signs of him repeatedly failing to be honest with me.
- It is on me to advocate for my needs. However, it is on my partners to listen. I am not in part to blame for the times they fail to show up, or advocate for their own needs.
- My ex tried to guilt me by lamenting over the thought of breaking up with me or his affair partner. He tried to equate the stakes, and even coerce me into including his affair partner’s feelings in our discussions. I lived with my partner for 2 years, was on his health insurance, and shared care for 3 pets. I argue it’s a form of gaslighting to pretend that my situation called for Kitchen Table Polyamory when I was not given any agency in being in a polyamorous relationship in the first place. I also feel disgust since the affair itself implied that I was not given the same consideration as they covertly intensified their relationship.
- My ex often tried to convince me that he understood what I was going through and that he cared. I realize now that he understood almost nothing, and he didn’t really try. Has your wife wanted to listen about your experience without controlling it? I’m hard-pressed to believe she fully understands the emotional damage she has caused. I say this because no one but you can fully understand what you are experiencing, and to understand the emotional impact of infidelity is often a long and complex process that can be very uncomfortable.
- My ex often tried to comfort me as a way to avoid taking actual action. Any requests beyond comforting me were met with dismissal or defensiveness.
You’re not an idiot. This is an extremely difficult time, and your wife has been very reckless and arguably selfish with her actions. You did not invite this chaos into your life and it’s not on just you to fix it. But of course, we can only control what we do in the situations we find ourselves in. I greatly respect the time you’ve put into individual therapy and the vacation you’re going on. I hope it continues to be beneficial.
I say this all as someone who is now genuinely interested in ethical polyamory. What my ex did was not polyamory. I would argue what your wife is trying to do is not polyamory. Polyamory requires enthusiastic consent, and your wife has already stripped you of that agency. I think the situation you’re in right now is exhausting because you’re trying to do your best to get to a place where you feel like you have agency in your relationship again. You deserve to feel peace in your relationships.
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FeralGeek
Active member
As someone who had an affair because I was not happy, got caught, tried to make it work: your relationship as you know it is over. It is gone and grieving is appropriate. Your marriage could have just up and ended there, but you chose to do hard things and see if you can't make something new that you can live with. Kudos, all luck to you.
You have kids together (as I do with my ex): make sure you're focusing - not on how to fix your relationship as it used to be - how to be the best coparents you can be, regardless of how your relationship ultimately shakes out. Neither one of you can argue the other into being lovers again; if things are going to get better, you both will have to actually learn how to want the other person again. Not the old version, but the new one who is here to stay forever and be the other parent to your kids. They need to know that your devotion to them doesn't change, regardless of how your relationship to each other might.
Honestly, I don't put much stock in your wife's relationship going the distance, but that's not to say you should hope she runs back to monogamy with open arms: your relationship as you knew it is still over and nothing I said (or she said) changes. You both need to learn how to live in this new world that cheaters create when the fantasy they create dashes back into reality. As you've said a few times, its a mess, and all the king's horses could never put it back together again.
Woof, what a downer. Honestly, you sound like you're doing a great job navigating this whole-ass thing. Keep it up, keep taking care of you (and those kiddos! If you need an ear/shoulder re: child-rearing during messy relationship shifts, i'm betting i've been there!)
You have kids together (as I do with my ex): make sure you're focusing - not on how to fix your relationship as it used to be - how to be the best coparents you can be, regardless of how your relationship ultimately shakes out. Neither one of you can argue the other into being lovers again; if things are going to get better, you both will have to actually learn how to want the other person again. Not the old version, but the new one who is here to stay forever and be the other parent to your kids. They need to know that your devotion to them doesn't change, regardless of how your relationship to each other might.
Honestly, I don't put much stock in your wife's relationship going the distance, but that's not to say you should hope she runs back to monogamy with open arms: your relationship as you knew it is still over and nothing I said (or she said) changes. You both need to learn how to live in this new world that cheaters create when the fantasy they create dashes back into reality. As you've said a few times, its a mess, and all the king's horses could never put it back together again.
Woof, what a downer. Honestly, you sound like you're doing a great job navigating this whole-ass thing. Keep it up, keep taking care of you (and those kiddos! If you need an ear/shoulder re: child-rearing during messy relationship shifts, i'm betting i've been there!)
I thought I’d post an update here, more as an anonymous journaling exercise than anything else. Costa Rica was awesome, and it was a great reset. It was interesting to note that I found myself generally thinking about returning in a few years with my kids, rather than wishing that I was there with my wife (though there were times). Things since i returned have been ok at best.
We had our first session of couples counselling today with a therapist who is poly themselves and so has the tools to help us a lot more than our previous counselor did. It’s clear that recovering a romantic relationship is a long shot (although my wife has not explicitly ruled it out in the longterm) and this is a very painful reality to me. But at the same time, we need to take the time to work through everything together and see what’s possible and try to establish a better relationship for us and the kids. For now, we’re just trying to live together as co-parents and friends and do the best for our kids, then see what happens.
One thing I’ve learnt over the past few months is that I have to do a better job of managing my feelings when someone has hurt me, and I’m taking the opportunity to work on those skills — not bringing all my pain to her to relitigate things over and over. I still feel really hurt and angry by what happened — having a reinvigorated, loving relationship with my wife as part of a polyamorous setup (I think this was a partly a product of NRE on her part), only to have it snatched away again. I am angry about that, as well as the fact that their best intentions to not blow up anyone’s lives were tossed aside so quickly. Journaling helps, as does talking to my therapist, and I’m just trying not to rock the boat and see what happens. If we separated now, I’d be carrying so much anger towards her and her new partner that it would poison our relationship so I hope that if we can’t rebuild a romantic relationship then we at least find something that works. Another wrinkle to work through is that she’s acknowledged that even with the pressure off for romance, the fact that she knows it’s my end goal still affects her interactions with me. We feel more like roommates than friends right now, which doesn’t help with any kind of healing.
The main challenge moving forwards will be managing my feelings about her new relationship while we try to work through things as friends and co-parents for now. They’re meeting for a weekend at the end of the month, and I think the lead up and aftermath to that weekend will be really challenging for me. I’m just going to throw myself into being present with the kids and ensure we have an awesome time together.
That’s all a bit of a downer, but it’s therapeutic to type it out. Right now, my feeling is that I’ve been hurt greatly, and I can heal either with her love and support as a romantic partner, or by rebuilding my life on my own. Sticking it out to find a solution, whether romance or something else in between romance and co-parents might be postponing the inevitable and adding to the pain, but I still want to try.
P.S. Thanks for all the notes and replies to my posts above. I appreciate the support, wisdom, and critiques. One thing I’ve learnt through reading over the past few months is that there are so many different ways to design and build relationships beyond traditional monogamy, and I have a lot of respect for anyone who has the emotional flexibility and communication skills to make it work!
We had our first session of couples counselling today with a therapist who is poly themselves and so has the tools to help us a lot more than our previous counselor did. It’s clear that recovering a romantic relationship is a long shot (although my wife has not explicitly ruled it out in the longterm) and this is a very painful reality to me. But at the same time, we need to take the time to work through everything together and see what’s possible and try to establish a better relationship for us and the kids. For now, we’re just trying to live together as co-parents and friends and do the best for our kids, then see what happens.
One thing I’ve learnt over the past few months is that I have to do a better job of managing my feelings when someone has hurt me, and I’m taking the opportunity to work on those skills — not bringing all my pain to her to relitigate things over and over. I still feel really hurt and angry by what happened — having a reinvigorated, loving relationship with my wife as part of a polyamorous setup (I think this was a partly a product of NRE on her part), only to have it snatched away again. I am angry about that, as well as the fact that their best intentions to not blow up anyone’s lives were tossed aside so quickly. Journaling helps, as does talking to my therapist, and I’m just trying not to rock the boat and see what happens. If we separated now, I’d be carrying so much anger towards her and her new partner that it would poison our relationship so I hope that if we can’t rebuild a romantic relationship then we at least find something that works. Another wrinkle to work through is that she’s acknowledged that even with the pressure off for romance, the fact that she knows it’s my end goal still affects her interactions with me. We feel more like roommates than friends right now, which doesn’t help with any kind of healing.
The main challenge moving forwards will be managing my feelings about her new relationship while we try to work through things as friends and co-parents for now. They’re meeting for a weekend at the end of the month, and I think the lead up and aftermath to that weekend will be really challenging for me. I’m just going to throw myself into being present with the kids and ensure we have an awesome time together.
That’s all a bit of a downer, but it’s therapeutic to type it out. Right now, my feeling is that I’ve been hurt greatly, and I can heal either with her love and support as a romantic partner, or by rebuilding my life on my own. Sticking it out to find a solution, whether romance or something else in between romance and co-parents might be postponing the inevitable and adding to the pain, but I still want to try.
P.S. Thanks for all the notes and replies to my posts above. I appreciate the support, wisdom, and critiques. One thing I’ve learnt through reading over the past few months is that there are so many different ways to design and build relationships beyond traditional monogamy, and I have a lot of respect for anyone who has the emotional flexibility and communication skills to make it work!
One other note/question, and at the risk of overtherapizing or inviting further ire from some of you, I am pretty sure my wife would be classed as a serial monogamist. She’s never been single for long in her life, and moved quickly from one relationship to another. When we met, she was at the tail end of a relationship that was petering out (her boyfriend was moving to a new city and they’d agreed to end things), and looking back, I’m not proud that there was some overlap in us beginning to sleep together and that old relationship. I understand from her that this wasn’t the only time in her life that’s happened.
I can distinctly remember us standing in our kitchen a few weeks after I found out about the affair, and she telling me about that pattern of behavior and reassuring me that this time it would be different as she wasn’t going to leave me for her new partner. But romantically that’s what has happened. I’m curious about the community’s general experience of serial monogamists (if that’s a helpful term at all) transitioning to polyamory.
I can distinctly remember us standing in our kitchen a few weeks after I found out about the affair, and she telling me about that pattern of behavior and reassuring me that this time it would be different as she wasn’t going to leave me for her new partner. But romantically that’s what has happened. I’m curious about the community’s general experience of serial monogamists (if that’s a helpful term at all) transitioning to polyamory.
dingedheart
Well-known member
That’s great.
How were the holidays overall for you and the kids? Did you do your own thing with them?Are you saying it feels like she’d much rather just move on so she doesn’t have to sort through her possible history or messy feeling, bad communications habits, etc.? She feels acting nice or lovingly will give you false hope and cause you greater pain, and/or drag out the process?
Good luck. I have nothing beyond what you’ve already planned.
Hope is sort of a double-edged sword. It can be this beautiful silent driver and it also can cause people to endure a shit ton of pain needlessly.
"Serial monogamy" as it relates to a transition to polyamory?
Here's my take. Serial monogamists might flit from romance to romance every two or three years. NRE lasts 6 months to two years, usually. It can last a bit longer if you start out long distance, as absence makes the heart grow fonder.
We have the term "NRE junkie" for these kinds of people. They get off on the hormones their glands produce for a new and shiny person. They call it love, but it's just infatuation or lust. If there's no real foundation for long-term compatibility, the relationship will fizzle. The NRE junkie will soon charm their next new and shiny prospect. Lather, rinse, repeat.
This is a problem for monogamists and polyamorists. We like to think we outgrow this tendency as teenagers, who are notorious for short relationships, but many people never really do outgrow it. The excitement is too much fun to resist.
I like to cultivate "established relationship intimacy," or ERI. I feel this is more satisfying than NRE. NRE has an element of anxiety to it. Established healthy relationships just grow and deepen and become more and more satisfying over time. Hopefully you keep growing in the same direction. But, you know, sometimes even in the best relationships, you can grow apart. Even if you learn communication skills, and have a nice mix of interdependence and independence, sometimes your tastes and goals diverge enough to cause incompatibility after X number of years.
Here's my take. Serial monogamists might flit from romance to romance every two or three years. NRE lasts 6 months to two years, usually. It can last a bit longer if you start out long distance, as absence makes the heart grow fonder.
We have the term "NRE junkie" for these kinds of people. They get off on the hormones their glands produce for a new and shiny person. They call it love, but it's just infatuation or lust. If there's no real foundation for long-term compatibility, the relationship will fizzle. The NRE junkie will soon charm their next new and shiny prospect. Lather, rinse, repeat.
This is a problem for monogamists and polyamorists. We like to think we outgrow this tendency as teenagers, who are notorious for short relationships, but many people never really do outgrow it. The excitement is too much fun to resist.
I like to cultivate "established relationship intimacy," or ERI. I feel this is more satisfying than NRE. NRE has an element of anxiety to it. Established healthy relationships just grow and deepen and become more and more satisfying over time. Hopefully you keep growing in the same direction. But, you know, sometimes even in the best relationships, you can grow apart. Even if you learn communication skills, and have a nice mix of interdependence and independence, sometimes your tastes and goals diverge enough to cause incompatibility after X number of years.
Glad Costa Rica was a much needed rest and reset for you!
Good for you. Journaling, talking to counselor, taking things one. at a time -- all reasonable. It's been a lot in a short time.
What are you doing for anger management/processing? The counselor?
Or you want to say it so there is clarity? I guess you decide how long you want to live with a "long shot maybe."
I'm just going to throw this out there as something else to think about.
Maybe it's ok to NOT be roomies for a year? So you can become better exes and friends?
Being roomies while she dates Dude and watching all her coming and goings on dates with him while you yourself may or may not be ending the romantic relationship with her... that's rough. You might not want to be around to watch that happening this first year. Even if you and she change floorplans to kinda living together to make childcare easier -- a duplex, a house with a flat over the garage, flats in the same building, etc. and kinda cohabitate again, maybe you need some more separation right now in this first year?
A divorcing couple I know took a 2-bedroom flat during their separation year. They took turns being the one at the "kid house" for a week or at "the adult flat" for a week in their own bedroom. They could not afford to have a kid house and two separate adult flats. So they shared the adult flat, but each had their own room in it for the times they were NOT at the kid house being the parent on call.
All of them went to family therapy, and the adults had individual, as well. This way changes for the kids were minimal -- knowing the parents are divorcing, but being present, the kids have to deal with a new parent rotation, but they themselves stay put and in the same schools, same friends, etc. They eventually moved on to date/marry other people and shared custody in separate homes. The kid house was sold.
So while they were "technically roomies" on the lease for the "separation/transition flat," their actual time was separate and neither one had to watch the other one start to date "up close."
They could date on their weeks off from kid care and host in their own bedrooms. But they didn't have to SEE the new people or the ex partner getting ready for dates up close that first year. Not everyone gets along well enough for that, but it was one way to handle it.
GG
Yes. I can imagine this is all painful.
Good for you. Journaling, talking to counselor, taking things one. at a time -- all reasonable. It's been a lot in a short time.
What are you doing for anger management/processing? The counselor?
Would it be easier for her to just state it plain now? "No, thanks. Romance is off the table. We won't be dating partners/marriage partners again. Best to just call it here." You want that kind of clarity?
Or you want to say it so there is clarity? I guess you decide how long you want to live with a "long shot maybe."
I'm just going to throw this out there as something else to think about.
Maybe it's ok to NOT be roomies for a year? So you can become better exes and friends?
Being roomies while she dates Dude and watching all her coming and goings on dates with him while you yourself may or may not be ending the romantic relationship with her... that's rough. You might not want to be around to watch that happening this first year. Even if you and she change floorplans to kinda living together to make childcare easier -- a duplex, a house with a flat over the garage, flats in the same building, etc. and kinda cohabitate again, maybe you need some more separation right now in this first year?
A divorcing couple I know took a 2-bedroom flat during their separation year. They took turns being the one at the "kid house" for a week or at "the adult flat" for a week in their own bedroom. They could not afford to have a kid house and two separate adult flats. So they shared the adult flat, but each had their own room in it for the times they were NOT at the kid house being the parent on call.
All of them went to family therapy, and the adults had individual, as well. This way changes for the kids were minimal -- knowing the parents are divorcing, but being present, the kids have to deal with a new parent rotation, but they themselves stay put and in the same schools, same friends, etc. They eventually moved on to date/marry other people and shared custody in separate homes. The kid house was sold.
So while they were "technically roomies" on the lease for the "separation/transition flat," their actual time was separate and neither one had to watch the other one start to date "up close."
They could date on their weeks off from kid care and host in their own bedrooms. But they didn't have to SEE the new people or the ex partner getting ready for dates up close that first year. Not everyone gets along well enough for that, but it was one way to handle it.
GG
Thanks for this idea. I’ve actually considered this. A couple we know in our neighbourhood did this for many years actually and it seems like a good setup. Right now my wife would prefer to still be living together. She’s said it would be hard not seeing the kids every day (when she’s in town of course…), plus there are two cats and a dog in the house too who need looking after. My job has more flexible hours so I do a lot of the lunchtime dog walking, taking kids to the dentist etc. Having a secondary flat for the parent who’s not on duty doesn’t seem like the worst plan to me, but let’s see. I’m certainly holding that as an option.
YesThisIsDog242
Member
I'm going to add based off my previous comment: my ex was also a serial monogamist. He was a month out from separating when we first met, and we got together a few months after that. In our post break-up sessions, he admitted that he was "hopping off our boat" to jump to this new person, and that's just what he tended to do. He also admitted there were multiple conversations that he was purposefully emotionally manipulating me. It was a mask-off moment that I did NOT expect, but validated some feelings I had. It came at a point where I just started heavily focusing on my lived experience of it without any sugar-coating, which included telling him that I frequently saw him exploiting my attempts at self-reflection for his own gain. I still see a lot of overlapping similarities with how your wife is handling this and how my ex handled it, though I will say that I had essentially no contact with my ex's boyfriend because I just resented him too much for being an enabling part of it, even though I understand on some level that my ex was the main perpetrator of all the chaos.
Wishing you the best. I'm happy that you have some professional support to sift through this. Your wife seems to want to have both her new beau and her stable life which seems to be a very common occurrence in these types of situations.
I wanted to add, this podcast was very validating for me. It might be helpful for you, too: https://www.makingpolyamorywork.com/episodes/polyamory-after-an-affair
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YesThisIsDog242
Member
Your wife doesn't really get a say in whether you choose to find a place for the sake of your own mental health. That sounds like a refusal to accept that there might be real consequences to the changes she wants in her life. If you think it would be emotionally helpful for you, it'll also very likely benefit the lives of your kids. I think your comment about "when she's in town..." is some additional evidence that she's being very self-centered in navigating this.
Well I don’t intend to liveblog my relationship, but I think I was a little unfair to my wife in my posts earlier. We had the chance to debrief tonight after the couples therapy session, and we were really on the same page about supporting each other, aiming to be good with each other long term, and seeing what that looks like with open minds. She opened up about a couple of external stresses both at work and in her new partner’s life (things with his ex-wife are messsyyy), and we talked openly and honestly about how we could do a better job supporting each other and the kids. It felt good to act like partners again (so much so that we ended up in bed together). I don’t know what the future looks like, but we’re going to take things one step at a time and try our best to be good, kind, and loving (in the broadest sense of the word) to each other. Having that connection really helps dissipate the anger, and I think that journaling this afternoon and posting here rather than bringing that frustration home with me at the end of the day helped ensure our evening was much smoother than it would have been.
In case anyone's wondering how things have turned out, we've decided to separate. It became clear as we went through couples therapy that the romantic feelings for me that my wife previously held weren't coming back. It's been a rocky few months, and my anxiety has been through the roof, but now that we've made the decision, we both feel a lot calmer. We're both sad, but I've come to terms with things for now (I'm sure there'll be waves of sadness, regret, and longing as we move through the separation process). I've had an offer accepted on an apartment 15 minutes walk away from our house that has space for me, the boys, and the cats, and if all runs smoothly with the sale then I'll move out sometime this summer.
There's still a lot of love and care that exists between us, and our plan is to keep being a big part of each other's lives and to co-parent in a way that still involves shared family time for days out and even the occasional trip. I hope that's possible, while also allowing me to move on and build a new life.
Thanks for all the wise words and support. I guess I need to go and lurk on a few co-parenting and divorced dad forums now rather than reading posts here...
There's still a lot of love and care that exists between us, and our plan is to keep being a big part of each other's lives and to co-parent in a way that still involves shared family time for days out and even the occasional trip. I hope that's possible, while also allowing me to move on and build a new life.
Thanks for all the wise words and support. I guess I need to go and lurk on a few co-parenting and divorced dad forums now rather than reading posts here...
I'm sorry to hear about the separation, though it sounds like this is the best path for everyone involved. I hope the process goes as smoothly as possible under the circumstances. It's great to hear that you're both feeling calmer and that you have a suitable flat lined up.
Wishing you a smooth transition into becoming solid exes and co-parents with each other, and building a healthy, divorced co-parenting family with the kids.
Good luck!
Galagirl
Wishing you a smooth transition into becoming solid exes and co-parents with each other, and building a healthy, divorced co-parenting family with the kids.
Good luck!
Galagirl
I'm glad you and wife have made some healthy decisions.
Please note, as per your OP, you are not an "idiot," and your wife is not a "monster." This black and white kind of thinking never did anyone any good. You're both just growing and changing, as we all do. Sometimes relationships that worked in our 20s no longer work in our 30s, 40s, etc. It's best to just jump off that cliff and be open to what works now!
I left my ex-husband when I was 53, and it was a great decision, and I am very proud I took the risk. I hope the new life is more fulfilling and joyful for you, too.
Please note, as per your OP, you are not an "idiot," and your wife is not a "monster." This black and white kind of thinking never did anyone any good. You're both just growing and changing, as we all do. Sometimes relationships that worked in our 20s no longer work in our 30s, 40s, etc. It's best to just jump off that cliff and be open to what works now!
I left my ex-husband when I was 53, and it was a great decision, and I am very proud I took the risk. I hope the new life is more fulfilling and joyful for you, too.