Anna Xx

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Well, when he says he doesn't want to be a bigger part of your life, and then gets antsy when you don't pick up when he calls, that to me seems somewhat shitty on his part. Does he know that he hurt you in that last conversation? Does he know *how* he hurt you? If not, you might want to explain that to him whenever you do talk with him again.
 

annabelle

Member
Well, when he says he doesn't want to be a bigger part of your life, and then gets antsy when you don't pick up when he calls, that to me seems somewhat shitty on his part. Does he know that he hurt you in that last conversation? Does he know *how* he hurt you? If not, you might want to explain that to him whenever you do talk with him again.
I agree. I think he may have said that he can't be as week, to which I said " you could, but that is your choice" as him handled Space Cadet it on him, and she doesn't own what he does. Obviously they have understandings, which are seriously murky to me (and seemingly to him as well), but this refrain of 'I can't I can't I can't' I just can't abide by. When it comes down to it, no one is forcing him to live his life in any particular way. I am extremely considerate about his responsibilities at home and may understand why he makes some of his choices, somewhere in here I have to say it's on him when it comes to us. That needs to be now.

Consistently over the years he does claim he doesn't get jealous (he really does) and I do think based on history he worries a great deal over things when I am not giving him the type of 'access' and energy one might expect of a gf, while promising nothing in return. I can't expect anything. So it really pisses me off this sort of thing.

To be fair, we really have had almost no time to have many relationship conversations while we have been LD, and during covid it's just rushed. He and I understand what the other is saying 10x better in person (who doesn't).

He definately knew he hurt me as I burst out crying when he said that after being collected in the conversation. I didn't explain how then, but this will be topic one such that we have real time to have a number of conversations at some point after I move.

Still mixed on seeing in person. I fell protective of the energy of my new space, and I don't want him to get any wrong ideas that this is his place in any way given the current state of affairs.

In other news, I did one of my favorite things ever and bought some furnishings and home decor online for my new place. 😊

I realize that the part of me that feels poly is for me, recognizes that Winter, Darwin, Tex, and Luciano together, offer very different things and there are moments when I think to go to one or the other for this or that. I can't really imagine only having this with one man, and all of them are intimate friendships.

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
I reread this. I think I am being somewhat unfair re: conversation. I feel tired from busy day yesterday and have not had enough caffeine and am a tad grumpy from needing more sleep.

I don't know I did the greatest job myself, and probably said things that were hurtful to him too. We were reacting to one another to be sure and were defensive. At the end of the conversation, we agreed that we really didn't communicate effectively on these types of subjects and it is something to work on.

But you know, it is my journal so I come to express my POV and vent a bit sometimes. I worry a bit I am being unfair to him here sometimes at moments in doing so.

I am doing well today, got a lot done so far this week and can relax and rest today while I do some more packing and making arrangement.

Anna Xx
 

icesong

Member
I worry a bit I am being unfair to him here sometimes at moments in doing so.
I mean, what you write is an expression of how you feel at the time, fair or unfair is really not even quite the point? I get it though, I definitely feel like I'm not fair to buy guys in the way I describe them sometimes, I write too much frustration with Knight and more joy than is really all him with Artist but... sometimes rereading those unfair statements later makes me realize that they are not, were not, reasonable reactions to whatever I was writing about and it makes it easier to be more fair in person.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi Anna,

I get the impression that Winter has pushed you away a little (e.g., saying something like he doesn't want to get more involved with you), and consequently, you would prefer that he keep a little bit of relative distance for now. Such as not thinking of your new place as belonging to him. It's your place, it's your rules. You don't even have to invite him over, unless you want to invite him over one time in order to have an in-person conversation. I don't think you are being unfair to him, you are just responding in kind to his words (e.g., "I can't") and actions (e.g., doesn't and then blames it on Space Cadet).

Just some of my thoughts,
Kevin T.
 

annabelle

Member
I mean, what you write is an expression of how you feel at the time, fair or unfair is really not even quite the point? I get it though, I definitely feel like I'm not fair to buy guys in the way I describe them sometimes, I write too much frustration with Knight and more joy than is really all him with Artist but... sometimes rereading those unfair statements later makes me realize that they are not, were not, reasonable reactions to whatever I was writing about and it makes it easier to be more fair in person.
This really helped me to read this, icesong.
Thank you.

It has helped me on many levels to write here of all of my more 'negative' feelings about my frustrations with Winter, because I haven't felt safe to do with anywhere else before due to the fact he is married and how people have responded to me. Sharing then didn't make it easier for me to be more circumspect and reasonable when I spoke to Winter afterwards. It didn't give me a sense of relief having expressed myself, or help me handle sweeping emotions.

In fact, it had a negative impact on both me and my relationship with him.
 

annabelle

Member
I'm having fun thinking of decorating ideas for my new place.

Also, I decided to finally retire my old sofa that is literally on it's last legs. It was going to be really expensive to move this beast lol. It has survived a few moves and a really bad relationship or two, but time to go!

It feels a bit odd to buy a whole sofa unseen online, but I think it will work out.
 

annabelle

Member
I am feeling upset, and I think I understand why.
But not sure how to handle something.

Since we began texting again, Luciano had said to me that he was focusing on his kids and was not dating. Also he said (oddly) that he had been ready to commit to me, even though we had just been chatting after meeting on dating site, and had told his pre-teen children about me. I hadn't known this at all, and it made me uncomfortable when he told me this, especially because he had gotten his kids feelings into it, and it made me feel as though we were at some place we clearly were not at.

I didn't mention that I the reason I fell off texting with him in the first place was for one because he was presuming a lot. As almost if we were a together, like he knew what I wanted in life without having met me. I took it that perhaps he was just flirting or being overly confident... like some bravado.. which I can find sexy. He was talking about tending to my every need etc, which gave me conflicting feelings. In some ways I thought the attention would feel really nice, but I'd never had a man dote on me like that, or I guess say he was going to. I thought perhaps just a way of seduction. I am very physically attracted to him.

I was up front about Winter, and my triad. That I was still in love with Winter, and were still seeing one another.

I don't feel like going into the discussion of it too much but he knew I was unhappy, and I felt like I had to make a choice. All though I am not sure he meant it that way. I didn't stop seeing Winter, and I just backed away from responding much to him and then things were quiet.

I don't know why I am feeling so upset right now. Just going with it.

So I thought now we were being friends, yet every day in the morning and night he says good night beautiful, or good morning I hope you slept well honey and a lot of pet names. It's just been sort of the same thing for a couple of weeks now. Consistently. Sometimes it is nice to see it, sometimes I find it inconsistent with the not interested in anything he said when we were talking again.

Today he did this in the morning, and I joked he didn't really say a lot about himself. He always wants to know how I am etc but doesn't elaborate much on his plans etc, but think that is how he is. Not self-focused at all.

And so he told me what he was doing today when I asked... and I shared back I had some housework to do (how much I hated doing it) and thoughts about cooking more in my new apartment.

[On the major plus side he is an accomplished home cook... as in making food from scratch.. like pasta from scratch scratch.. every meal for him and his kids. He would tell me how he would cook for me whatever I wanted every meal... and I thought then, hm maybe this does have some merits! heh]

He replied back very simply that he will help with the house cleaning and cooking.

Now that I type that, I don't know why that set me off, except somehow I felt like he was intruding on me. My territory. I hadn't put up some hard 'friends' line, but it really bothered me.

So does him calling me babe today.

I nad stronger different feelings earlier while we chatted that were very opposite. Looking at his photo and his eyes, how relaxed he was with his kids at a sporting event, I had a little fantasy of having a spot in that picture. Feelings of belonging, of aching to see Winter's kids, and also my own. Maternal feelings.

I thought of what it might be like to make love with him. I felt something warm and secure, and not very much like the me that says I like living alone and don't want a nesting partner or a husband.

I'd say I luxuriated in it a bit.

I had a bit of a daydream where Luciano and I went over to Winter's house and had a dinner with his family. Luciano puts his arm around me, and I like it, or is that because I want to see what is in Winter's eyes. I imagine he likes to see me loved and cared for, het it pains him to see another man touch me. Space Cadet whispers to Winter what an attractive couple Luciano and I make.

Luciano's kids and Winter's kids, being about the same age enjoy one another's company.

There is this tension in the air though.

And then I broke from my thoughts. And I took a nap.

When I woke up, I felt angry at Luciano all of the sudden. I wanted to push him away. I thought that he had stepped over some boundary I haven't set.

I don't know what is going on with it. I do notoriously wake from afternoon naps feeling off and a bit confused/emotional, so it is probably partly that.

I came here to talk about it while I settled down.

I could use some help talking this out, because it might be some about Luciano, I am sure a bunch about Winter, but the main part is I want to understand what is going on with me.

My thought in my mind right now, is that I don't want to really talk to either of them much this week - rather... this is an hugely important week for me in my life.

Why is it the more independently and confidently I feel about myself, the more it seems like men chase me a bit.

Idk...

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
I am feeling a bit better.
I always wind up groggy and crappy feeling if my siestas go too late.

I guess it is a little odd that I have 2 separate sleep periods, but my work involves Zooming with clients across time zones, so it just seems to have evolved that way.
 

annabelle

Member
Fully awake now, I'm ordering some pizza and assembling some boxes.

I also am watching S4 of The Crown on Netflix.
The Queen and Margaret Thatcher are about to mix it up over apartheid crisis.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Heh, I take it The Crown is a documentary series or a historical drama. For a second there I was like, "Wait a minute, Margaret Thatcher isn't even alive!" :LOL:
 

annabelle

Member
Heh, I take it The Crown is a documentary series or a historical drama. For a second there I was like, "Wait a minute, Margaret Thatcher isn't even alive!" :LOL:
Yup. 😁

My emotions are fighting to get the better of me tonight.

Winter is back home from his family vacation.

[Don't get me started on how I feel about the lack of responsibility of the trip given where it was and what the trip turned out to be. Color me judgy, I guess, but these are democrats that absolutely know how real this is. I don't understand. I also definitely won't be seeing him for sure until there is a quarantine period. The bigger question for me with covid exposure given how rampant it is, is that if he and Space Cadet are willing to do risk the health of themselves and others in the way that they did, can I even feel safe putting myself around Winter during the worst of this pandemic. Maybe I am over-reacting. I'd like to think that especially since I went thru severe covid and re-infection possible, that at least Winter might want to be careful even for sake of seeing me. Maybe I will feel differently when less emotional]

I had just gotten used to him being away. Somehow the physical distance, not just the bit that separates us now, but real miles. Multiple states between us seems to lessen the pull I feel to him, or from him. I am not sure how it will change with less distance between us, but I think however it turns out, at least the LD won't be the problem, and one way or another things will be resolved. Hopefully. I believe I am up to the task.

I'd even dropped off texting the last couple days, not that he was much either on the road, but once he was home he reached out and I've just let it sit. Then I felt it. The feeling I'd staved off this time distracted with other things, the feeling of being neglected.

<insert Annabelle's history of feeling neglected by others in her life in her past>
He's well aware of them. He knows how I feel when during these times.

I guess I could deal with it better if not for this maddening thing...

Eventually, especially after I have gone quiet for a time, he realizes it when whatever activity has gone away. It's not just the time. It's this feeling of almost NRE I'm dealing with that he is so swept up.

This is where, in talking to other people in the past... I hear: "Well what do you expect? He has a wife and a family. You really just let -them- be. And you deserve "someone of your own."

😒😟😠😰

I just received a video from him. He says he's back (duh). He says he will call me this week to catch up.
Despite not wanting to get on the phone with him and discuss my move, I get irritated he doesn't make some effort to call me on Sunday.

He's looking sheepish, that look when he has realized he's been absent in his attentions to me. Signing and looking a bit pained.

I really sish he hadn't filmed the thing and just left me in peace for the rest of my weekend. I don't care right now that he is tired from his trip when I am cooped up here like so many of us during this pandemic.

And so I yell "FUCK OFF WINTER!" in my house half-filled with boxes.

I stomp around thinking how dare he try to look sheepish and sad?
Couldn't he have said something nice to me. Be positive? Cheerful?
Sweet?

Where is he saying... how was your day, lovely... like Luciano.
A smile? A loving look?

I wish I could call Darwin or Tex and discuss this. Vent. Etc, but they won't want to hear it.
Neither would Luciano.

I find myself swirling into some dark night hours for the first time in a week.

I feel alone in these feelings right now.
Almost as if I shouldn't be having them.

I'm just so sick of worrying over his feelings.

😥😓🥵🤬😰

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
It's Sunday and in another week I will be waking up in my new place.

I wonder how it will feel? I might go out to walk around a bit outside or hang out in the community area, but likely I won't want to leave Athena alone for awhile and definitely not the next day.

Getting pretty excited about it. A bit hard to believe!

I had a good laugh this morning when I went into the depths of my pantry and found copious supplies of 1) rice 2) boxes of pasta 3) a bunch of TP - all from the March timeframe when those things were scarce. I wasn't a hoarder, but it amused me a bit. And then I thought of how very very long ago it seemed,

Have we all aged years in the past 9 months?

Tomorrow, the movers are coming to look around and see how much stuff I have and give an estimate for the move. I feel fortunate to be able to afford for help this move, and really I wouldn't have considered doing it by myself. Couldn't have lifted etc a lone, and I still feel a lot of fatigue frequently. I don't have a lot of stuff really, times I am thankful at being somewhat of a minimalist!

After fretting about getting my own moving supplies and packing things incorrectly and breaking stuff, I also decided to have them pack. Sort of half-pack really since I have already gone thru all my stuff and have it sorted, and in piles to be put into boxes. I've removed all the things I decided didn't make the cut to come with us. They will be hauling away my old sofa (bye old sofa!!!) and a few other things. That happens the day before the move itself, the packing and the trash removal.

It occurred to me this morning that I might want to pack away any potentially embarrassing or more personal items lol before they come by.

Other things.., contemplating at picking up a pre-made smallish thanksgiving dinner from the local Whole Foods for Thankgiving.

I got the repetitive message from Luciano this morning which is really stale at this point and almost annoying.

Him(txt): Hello beautiful. How are you and how was your sleep?
[I feel as if I need to answer these for some reason, which annoys me that I feel this way]

Something is messed up with this phone that some of his outbound texts aren't working, he says, so email has been a bit of an alternative.

[I sighed to myself, and thought let me just get over answering this in some basic way. Maybe he will be able to read the room.]

Me(txt): Good. Slept well. How's it going?

[I do other stuff. 5 minutes later I get an email from Luciano]

Him(email): I assume you didn't get my text.

Oh brother. Really? I guess it's not totally surprising based on some of the red flags I'd seen during the time we'd spoken, but this puts him now on the shit list with me. Who does this, even in a relationship unless it is an urgent situation? Or unless someone has a tendency to be controlling in a relationship.

Readers, am I wrong here?

I could just not answer or ignore this , but I don't want to let this slide, and what to see what he is actually doing.

Me(email): What do you mean?
Him(email): Hello beautiful. How are you and how was your sleep?

[face plant]

Me(email): Why did you assume I didn't get it?
Him(email): Hence i told you i got a new phone and retrieved my number. People are complaining they ain't getting my text. So i got your text and i replied back and i didn't hear from you. So i assume you didn't get my response.

[For some reason the 'ain't' annoys me. But not as much as 'I didn't hear from you' only took about 5 minutes]
[I sigh to myself. Perhaps he didn't get my point. Not really worth it to get into this for me now.]

Me(email): I didn't get your response no. Hope you can get your phone issues resolved. Must be aggravating for you!
Him(email): That is why I said you didn't get my text. So how was your night?

[Guess I 'ain't' following the script - more red flags 🚩]

Me(email): It was fine. Yours.
Him(email): It was okay. [And then he quotes Bible].

Luciano is a religious man. I'm 'spiritual' of sorts.. tending towards being an atheist, which he knows. This alone really is an incompatibility with me for anything serious. Really wish he wouldn't send me the daily Bible quotes mid-afternoon lately, but haevn't bothered to say anything.

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
Lately, I am making the effort to handle things as they come if I can. Especially things that are bothering me about how someone is interacting with me, even if it might cause some temporary conflict. This is really difficult for me many times to do, but I am beginning to understand that the mid-to-long term costs of this to me (and to any healthy relationship) can be really serious to let stuff fester.

So, I'm trying to practice this.

Today, with Luciano.

I'm good with how I handled this morning with him.

This afternoon, I got what tends to be a daily quote from the Bible. I really don't like it, and while I hoped he had noticed I never responded to this in any way, it felt like some sort of religious 'spam'. Maybe it's because I get the sense he really does have a tendency to be controlling somewhat that I decided to say something. Partially because maybe he thought I liked it, or didn't mind, and partially to see how he responded to me setting a boundary, in as nice of a way as possible.

So I wrote him this:
Hi Luciano,

I want to say something, and I am not best sure how to say it, but I will try. I am not a religious person, even though I had Christian education in my youth, it doesn't play a part in my life because I am essentially spiritual.

I do appreciate that you want to share from your beliefs, but readings from the Bible aren't really something I want to see regularly because it isn't part of my faith.

I hope you can understand where I am coming from.

Best,
Anna Xx

The email response from him:
Alright

I actually feel better now that I said how I felt. Like a weight lifted off of me a bit.
 
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