Anna Xx

kdt26417

Official Greeter
(Raising my hand.) Proud to be your new Chess friend. ☺️

I, too, am ecstatic that Biden/Harris won. And I'm lucky, in that I have my two live-in companions who share the joy with me. I'm disappointed that Mitch McConnell won his race, but I'm thinking the Presidential race was more important.

Hang in there hon. It's hard to be alone, and Covid-19 has done much to make us all isolated from each other. Athena rocks, she is there for you when you need her. I (my companions and I) have two cats, they are both wonderful friends, and they curl up with me at night. So I can appreciate how important a pet's company is.

I vote for delivery food. Any little way we can celebrate is a plus.
 

annabelle

Member
I went from reasonably ok to really terrible again, my emotions running wild tonight.

I can’t bear to watch the celebration tonight with how I am feeling.

My head is full of thoughts of hopelessness with the situation with Winter.

And it is more than that.
I take issue with love itself.

I think I am broken-hearted, but also that is nothing at all new.

Maybe I am depressed. It’s sort of hard to tell these days.

So I come here typing in my little words in this little box on my iPhone reaching outwards somewhere rather than letting my emotions runaway inside of me.

I am back in bed.
I don’t even want to see Athena right now.

I lay in the dark, and it’s very early still and my SAD is dropping hard on me.

This is it, which is how I feel nightly in these darker seasons. Time is up, there is no tomorrow.

Rationally I know that isn’t true, but another day will come and go, and then this feeling will likely come back again, swinging at me like a pendulum.

So I let myself sink in, almost luxuriating in in the pit of it, putting pillows all around myself and wrapping myself in two blankets.

I ask the Universe to grant me some peace and rest free of nightmares tonight.

I think of having my new therapist to Zoom with this week.

I think about making my coffee tomorrow morning. I feel almost robotic these days.

I texted Winter about the depth of what I am feeling, even though he sent me a encouraging and empathetic video response to me.

He knows me well, there really isn’t anything he can say via text or even video from this far, and there is no way for him to call me tonight.

I feel like a small child stomping my feet, saying to myself in my mind... I want him here NOW.

I think about chocolate all of the sudden. And then about missing this very American night hiding away.

Athena is sleeping just outside the door and I think of what I might actually get me out of bed.

Ice cream. Chocolate ice cream.

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
I watched the Biden - Harris party tonight and I am soooooo glad I didn't let myself hide away from the celebration.

I got some Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie ice cream quickly, and ate it while watching the amazing drone light show, while eating the whole pint.

AC2AADEE-A837-4756-B78B-A9CE2A24912A.jpeg
 

annabelle

Member
Something else that I have struggled with, as long as I can remember, is an eating disorder.
I am reading a blog about it and found a virtual support group tomorrow I may attend.

That's as much as I feel up to saying about it.
I've never tacked this head on before.

Anna Xx
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Heh, chocolate ice cream treats many ailments.

I can't know what it is to be in your shoes, but I do know something about being very vulnerable to external factors, and about having internally-generated pain and paralysis. I remember a time, perhaps ten years ago, when things got so bad for me, that all I could do was slowly walk around, feeling alone and terrified. I hope to never sink that far into the darkness again, it was just a horrible thing to go through.

I mean yeah Biden/Harris won and that is certainly a plus, but on the minus side you have the situation with Winter getting you down, plus the very seasons (the darkening of the Sun) are working against you. So that right there are two minuses working against you, with only one plus to compensate. That alone justifies your feeling trapped in a state of horror. And I suspect there are some powerful, strictly internal forces working against you as well, so it is no wonder you are feeling so awful. It's not like you can wave a magic wand and make it go away; sometimes all you can do is try to weather it. Like a tornado that rains destruction on everything you love, this feeling you are having is cutting you off from all of your would-be sources of comfort.

I can also empathize about the nightmares, I am famous for having them, it's like it robs you of the healing power of sleep, when you wake up you feel worse. It's a terrifying world we live in when you think about it, it's a wonder we're ever able to do well. I can't do much to take away your pain, but know nonetheless that I am one more stranger out in the vast world of internet that is pulling for you. Hang in there.

No judgments. I just want to help.
 

annabelle

Member
I am really struggling tonight.

I can’t fall asleep and my head is all twisted up with rumination over several things, one being the situation with Winter.

I feel angry with him.
Nothing has happened.

it is this constant turmoil.

I have so much going on with me aside from him inside myself (like you said, Kevin) and for so long way before COVID. Before met Winter many years ago now when I was very young.

I can’t separate it all.
I need help.

it’s gotten to the point of crisis almost now. And telehealth with therapist can’t come soon enough.

kevin, what you says captures what I am feeling. In a state of terror, a constant feeling of being surrounded, almost like being kept captive alone almost.

I picture it like this storm hammering in my house, that no one can see except me. In fact, sometimes I look at the blue skies and sun, and I feel shocked by the disparity.

How can I be so afraid of venturing outside of my house, when all looks well?

What is new with this invisible danger of a virus, and all that goes on, our society feels that oppressive fear too that I have felt for years.

Except everything is really worse in the country and world, and so the ‘storm’ bears down harder.

And I constantly am kicking myself why I am like a zombie practically in my house ambling around the rooms more than before even.

I feel guilty.

Responsible even though some things happened that were outside of my control several times throughout my adult life where perfect storms swept in and destroyed my life. Sometimes my connections with people who I had known a long time, and had invested in relationships.

I need to focus to run my business but I dread having to try to anything.

tour words bring me some peace, Kevin.

Mostly because I am trying my best, and I feel like it is not good enough to get free of this. I need help. Support. Or something.

I giess when I am just hanging on for dear life, I should be ok with it.

Yet somehow I am not.
Sleep, please come.

Anna Xx
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
So sorry you are still trapped in this immense struggle. I can't do much to help, but I hear you, and I appreciate your efforts. I know you can't just make these bad feelings go away, try not to beat yourself up for not being able to feel better. You have too much working against you, it is overwhelming your resources. It sounds like you have some pretty bad trauma from the past too; that just adds to the load you have to carry. I hope that you got enough sleep, and that it was nightmare-free.
 

annabelle

Member
Yesterday got off to a slow start, but picked up as the day went along and I was able to check things off my business and personal todo list.

The night before I was so distraught and wanting comfort that I reached out to a man that I met on an online dating site at the beginning of the summer. His name is Luciano.

This was my first attempt at an online dating site, and he was one of the first men that reached out to me. I think he's very handsome in a rugged sort of way and I was instantly sexually attracted to him after reading his first note. I was pretty surprised of how I felt.

Luciano has two school-aged kids and is very early 50s, a bit older than me. He's a widower but not very recently. HE had an extremely strong idea of what he wanted (to find a wife and mother for his children), had thought about if he were ready and how much time and effort he wanted to devote to the relationship (quite a lot). It was all a bit overwhelming, especially since you have read of my extreme isolation and the situation with Winter. He knew himself well, and listed out what he had to offer. This remained consistent the more I texted with him and spoke to him over the next few weeks. I confided in him. He was supportive and available despite being busy with his work and the time he devoted to his kids.

Like I said, overwhelming.

Now, here's the thing. I immediately felt like what he wanted could eclipse what I wanted (which was I didn't know). I wasn't looking for a husband going on this site, I was looking for someone to get to know and date that was single, and to potentially explore a monogamous relationship with. Potentially.

I knew it was going to be possibly tricky since I thought that I wanted to continue seeing Winter romantically still. I didn't know if I wanted monogamy much less marriage or nesting partner. As I said, I liked living alone. I wasn't opposed to seeing a man with kids, although I was wary of the time they had available since I was dealing with that in spades with Winter. I like living by myself.

It wasn't a polyamory site I tried. I knew that if I thought I was to pursue an emotional connection with a man, that I would tell him about Winter and the history there and the poly, and status quo.

And so I told Luciano about it, and he was very curious about it all.

More later on all of this, but I decided I just wasn't ready and we didn't speak for a long period of time (my choice).

In any case, I reached out to him, but ti was late and he wasn't awake, but he texted me first thing yesterday, and he walked through my day with me basically, and I asked for his help in getting me through the day while making sure I ate and cared for myself, things I have an issue with. We did this when we spoke before and it really gave me a feeling of security and being loved.

Luciano hadn't gone back on the dating site again, and that he had been ready to go to the next level with me, and even told his kids of me (yikes...) but after waiting awhile for me, he decided to just focus on his kids for now, and he wasn't looking to get involved presently.

Still at the end of the day yesterday, he made sure to encourage me to rest, wished me sweet dreams beautiful as he used to greet me in the morning and the night, and I slept well for the first time in awhile.

I have to go start my day and meetings. I'm excited to meet my new poly-kink-LGBTQ friendly therapist, Electra, for Zoom session. Should be a good day.

Anna Xx
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
It's good you got some friendly support from Luciano. Just be wary of falling for an unavailable man again. He wants a wife, and you don't want to be a wife. Just as Winter has a wife who doesn't approve of you, which limits his availability.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi Anna,

Yeah, that Chess game is turning into a real nail biter. I wasn't even hoping to save the game, I was just hoping to save some of my dignity, I think I managed to do that at least.

Luciano sounds like a cool guy, does he live very far away? Would you want to meet him in person with the pandemic going on? No wrong answers here, I am just curious.

Sounds like things are going better for you right at the moment at least. That's encouraging. Is your Zoom session today with your new therapist? or coming up soon?

Hang in there,
Fond regards,
Kevin T.
 

annabelle

Member
I have had a pretty exciting week with work and home life!

I have a new client and was able to really come through for them this past week. It's always hard for me in the beginnings of a business relationship, wanting to show them value right away. In this case, it happened to work out! So business is growing.

😊

Even more exciting is this: I've been looking at places to move from way on the outskirts to the urban center of the city I live near, and finally found something great that checks off all the boxes for me, and is in my price range. I ahev been planning on this for some time, but coronavirus sorta delayed plans (as it tends to do).

There were some deals probably do to the world situation and holidays, and I decided to take a really nice apartment in a building in the city. I really love city living, and feel like returning to this again from being out in the suburbs surrounded by traditional families and lifestyle associated, and really no one that I share much in common with, this finally coming to fruition has made me fill up with hope again.

I just couldn't bear staying out here until spring, and seeing the catastrophic situation escalate in the country (187k cases today...) I think I had better move while I still can so I jumped on this place.

So now my thoughts turn towards packing and planning, and I am not even thinking of Winter or lonliness, as soon I will be among many new neighbors with options for city friends (and lovers).

Some of my family will also be reasonably close by.

I haven't really thought much about Winter lately. We haven't spoken on the phone in almost 2 weeks, partially because he hasn't made much time to call, or is busy when I tried. Partially because I'm not taking his calls. It just seems to generally cause me grief or feeling more vulnerable and attached to him although there are some warm moments.

It's pretty predictable after a week, that he starts calling more frequently. I just don't feel like dealing with it right now. They are off on a family holiday trip starting tomorrow I have no idea what they are thinking doing this particular trip in the midst of this level of infection honestly). He has been calling me all day and just let it go to voicemail.

In other news, I have started chatting a bit with Tex again online , just friendly. I speak to Darwin daily on the phone just about day to day things.

Luciano does live not very far at all from where I live now, and where I will move to. We are texting, and I do appreciate waking up to 'good morning beautiful' and 'sweet dreams' at night anyhow.

I'd be open to going out with him, but yeah, seeing as he was looking for a wife when we met, obv not promising for a relationship. Luciano told me I really broke his heart a bit when we stopped talking, and after awhile he assumed that I was involved more with someone else, and he has decided that looking right now isn't for him. With relationship off the table, I am hopeful maybe he would just want to get together as friends (maybe some benefits :).

Since I got the new place, my night dreads have lessened too.

I am of course stressed about the move, who isn't, but at least it is the good type of exciting.

I will have to figure out what to do about Athena on move day. I hope she is able to adjust to a new home, as she hasn't lived anywhere else except here before.

Anna Xx
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Sounds like things are looking up for you, that is wonderful to hear! I am excited about your new place in the city.

Athena is a cat, isn't she? Cats do like familiar surroundings, but they are usually pretty good at adjusting to new situations as well, after an initial period of being scared. I think she'll be okay, just give her as many familiar routines (e.g., food and feeding times) as you can.
 

annabelle

Member
Sounds like things are looking up for you, that is wonderful to hear! I am excited about your new place in the city.

Athena is a cat, isn't she? Cats do like familiar surroundings, but they are usually pretty good at adjusting to new situations as well, after an initial period of being scared. I think she'll be okay, just give her as many familiar routines (e.g., food and feeding times) as you can.
Yes. Athena is a 🐈 I think you are right, if I keep to her feeding routines she will adapt. There are some nice big windows for her to look out onto the city from, which I think she will like.

Athena and I have a very trusting relationship we have built up since she was a kitten, and I look at this as a human / animal adventure for us to take. I have started sorting through things like my medicine cabinet and clothes pruning stuff out that won't make the cut of coming to the place. I've moved a zillion times, and frankly this will be the easiest one logistically, because I can pay for movers and more.

I lived in this city when I lived at Winter's house with Space Cadet and kids years ago, although completely on the other side of it. It's nice to not have to learn a totally new city this time. I never experienced living in it solo before, nor with the better resources that I do now.

I spent a bit of time looking through some photos and messages from Winter yesterday in a nice nostalgic way. I thought about him in a romantic way, without feeling the burden of my feelings I have had since I returned to the general area. That is, close, but not close enough to just meet for coffee or lunch or sex. We have never had that really.

He sent me a picture from their family road trip and I didn't have too much FOMO. Especially because they going to visit Space Cadet's family, who aren't very nice to outsiders, which they consider anyone outside of who was born into it, and are not nice to him and other partners. I know this first hand from what I observed myself and it's a shame really.

As I sort through my belongings, I think looking at each item if it belongs in this next spot I will be living in. Truth be told, I am a gypsy at heart, I think. Or maybe I just ascribe more to the belief that 'home is where you hang your hat.'

Back at 2nd chess match with Kevin. This mid-game board is pretty congested, and as usual I am a bit too liberal with sacrificing pieces for better position, but if I have any advantage there, it is slight.

Kevin's forking has me a bit on edge at the moment. I made a mistake maybe blunder a couple moves ago and I think gave up the slight advantage I had. I wonder where it will show where we are in the after-game analysis because I think I may be in trouble...

Anna Xx
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I really suck at the proposition of how to sacrifice a piece for a positional advantage. I hate losing a piece unless it is a trade for a better piece, I'm all about winning the material points contest, and I just have the worst time trying to unravel positional puzzles. I do love forks when I see them and can get them, they are so much fun ...

That's awesome that Athena will have a nice big window to look out, I feel certain that she will enjoy that. She will just be somewhat scared at first. Be super careful to make sure she doesn't have any opportunities to escape; cats tend to bolt when they get scared, it's like a panic reaction. The last thing you need is to spoil an awesome move with a loss of your cat. I'm sure you know this, I am just putting an extra point of emphasis on it.

It kind of sounds like you had more in your relationship with Winter in the past than you do now. As long as he is still together with Space Cadet, I think having a relationship with him will continue to be complicated, and somewhat unsatisfying. Anyway that's the current impression I have.
 

annabelle

Member
Once when we were young adults, Winter and I were together for a relatively short period of time after we met during a significant time. We were inseparable for a time.

Some nostalgia I have with it ties into the feelings of being young and having the seemingly infinite amounts of time to spend in NRE. Some is regret that I ended it that first time, and broke his heart. There were other missed chances, one where if he had made a move, I would have likely given him myself entirely. That sort of 'what if' tends to play over and over now that he has a wife and heaps of responsibilities. We both got married, and had kids that are grown or growing up quickly now.

The entire time I was with he and Space Cadet together in our triad, I felt like I was under Space Cadet's thumb. I'm not sure exactly that was true to the extent I felt it. I didn't know anything about poly really, and neither did they. Not what this site talks about. I definitely didn't know triads existed, It's funny because then it felt to me as if we were the only ones in the world that were doing it. I definitely didn't have a framework for understanding it.

I was became of their family, because both of them included me as part of their family. There were good times that the three of us had. There were even some moments that Space Cadet and I shared alone for a time, although not sexual, I think there was a sense of romance in a way. But overall, she semmed more ok with the situation than I was in the beginning.

I feel resentful of Space Cadet for xyz reasons, and I think she feels the same. It's hard for me to get objective about her, and if I try to, it only seems to stress me out, so I really don't want to try at this time.

I don't know what will happen when I move close by. I avoided moving back to the city for a long time, because I felt as though it was Space Cadet's 'turf' so to speak, but that is really sort of immature to think that way. No one owns a city! Winter has ever given me cause to think that Space Cadet feels otherwise.

It's where I want to move to, for me.

As for he and I, this is completely uncharted territory in the long haul of our relationship.

The most important thing to me is to make sure I am ok, first, and to (re)set my standards, and maintain my dignity and self-respect.

I do miss being near him.

I let him know last week by text I would be moving soon. The fact I was thinking of moving closer to the city is of no surprise, as I have been talking about it, and he and I discussed it some together. The exact part of the city might have been a bit surprising, hopefully in a good way I guess. Winter had been trying to talk to me about it since I texted, but I wasn't ready to answer questions, or have him wanting to be part of it somehow, when this is something I want to do for myself, by myself.

Fortunately, I have awhile to mull over how I want to respond to him about these things, and how much to keep private.

I've heard a little from him on txt, but I know he will be headlong into dealing with difficult relatives for the next days. I hope all goes smoothly as possible for him.

Anna Xx
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
So I take it you will be living closer to him once this move is complete. I don't know if that will give him more opportunity to come over to your place? I am trying to remember whether Space Cadet forbids you from coming over to her (and his) place. Even if she doesn't, I'm thinking that going over there would be awkward at best.

Yeah, regret can be a bitch. But I don't subscribe to the popular notion that "one shouldn't dwell in the past," regret is not a crime, sometimes you have to say "what if" in order to get closure, and feel like you learned something worthwhile. The past can't be changed, but it will always be a part of us.
 

annabelle

Member
So, I am officially moving to my new place which is very close to where Winter is. It a bit difficult to be far away from anyone really living in this ciy.

I am very excited about the place, and can now turn my feels of anxiety about getting all the moving stuff done!

A very good problem to have.

It's all happening more quickly than I had originally planned due to XYZ, mostly if I leave my current place by December, my landlord said he will likely be able to find a new tenant and waive my rent next month (even though there was no real notice I gave). I was pretty nervous about telling my landlord I was moving because he has been nice, and I felt like I was giving him bad news especially before holidays and during pandemic. But I bit the bullet and did it today.

I think moving is one of those top most stressful things to do, but for me it is getting out of isolation into a community and near many many things to do (albeit outdoor activities right now due to covid).

I also wanted to get this all done before the pandemic gets much worse and somehow it would be impossible or very difficult to move. Best be settled before the holidays and NYE when I can properly celebrate at the common social areas my apartment building has outdoors. I am already able to connect with other tenants online if I wanted to, which is kind of cool, and at least I get a feel for who lives there.

Lots of boxes and packing in my imminent future. Athena doesn't seem to know anything is up yet even though I am going through all my closets throwing clothes over my shoulder lol.

The nights are no longer so dim, and my stomach is in butterflies at feeling unstuck from this town finally and me steering my life in the direction I want it to go...

Anna Xx
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Congrats -- I'm glad the move is official now!
 

annabelle

Member
So I take it you will be living closer to him once this move is complete. I don't know if that will give him more opportunity to come over to your place? I am trying to remember whether Space Cadet forbids you from coming over to her (and his) place. Even if she doesn't, I'm thinking that going over there would be awkward at best.

Yeah, regret can be a bitch. But I don't subscribe to the popular notion that "one shouldn't dwell in the past," regret is not a crime, sometimes you have to say "what if" in order to get closure, and feel like you learned something worthwhile. The past can't be changed, but it will always be a part of us.
Yes my place is in the same urban area which is not terribly big so it's all close especially with the public transportation.

This changes everything as far as the ability to see each other more often. Very easy for him to drop by for even short visits.

Winter and I have been texting throughout most days even with him on vacation. I've been busy with work so it hasn't given me much time to think about things with him much, and somehow I feel more settled moving closer. There are more options anyhow.

We have spoken in a couple weeks now, and it is mostly because I am not picking up. He's called while finding time on vacation, but I really don't feel like answering questions or discussing my move, or whether or not I want to continue seeing him after that last conversation etc. I can tell by his messages he is getting sort of antsy to talk to me, since he doesn't know yet where I am going or when etc. It is a private thing to me and my future.

I keep hearing him from that talk we had where he said some things that hurt me about not wanting to be a bigger part of my life and that changed some feelings I had about including him in something like this.

It's a special time for me, and not for us.

Not yet anyhow.

I do feel hopeful though we will find some way forward.

Anna Xx
 
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