Anna Xx

annabelle

New member
I started to post a reply to @madgrey in my intro thread and instead it became more of a journal entry so transitioned here.

Please feel free to comment and ask questions!

👇

Hi Sarah,

I had just read your intro post before you responded. Thanks so much for the reply. I am really pretty lonely most of the time because Winter can't really talk or vid chat much at all being surrounded by his wife and kids 24/7.

Yay closeted. 😒

In most ways, I have not lived a life at all normative at all, not since my mid-30s when I became involved with Winter and Space Cadet and moved in. Quite the departure. Tex told me it was as though I had been driving a Honda all my life, and replaced it with an old Jag that I didn't know how to drive, and the maintenance and repairs were a real bitch!!!

I was married and had kids very young by current standards in my 20s and then had kids, now grown. Double income suburbanite in a bigger area which was completely mono-oriented blah blah, we all know the story. I was deeply bored and restless. The emotional bond with my ex-husband Otter shattered pretty early on in the marriage, and I no longer wanted to have sex with. At all. Separate beds. Maybe that should have clued me in to the fact that without the type of deep connection with someone, my attraction could suddenly turn off like a spigot. I guess I just thought we were just living the cliché.

Because of my upbringing, I never even considered divorce, even when he walked out on us once, or having an affair. Life was incredibly busy anyhow, and then there were the kids. I didn't know any divorced people either. Eventually it did come to a difficult and sudden end.

I guess it's lucky I have Darwin to talk to but it was a really damaging relationship the whole way through. I suspect if we didn't live so close by and I wasn't very lonely, I would back away. Occasionally we have a meal out, or did pre-covid, so it was something anyhow, and it is good to have someone to talk to about the day-to-day, for now. It's a constant reminder of that old relationship to me,

As I wrote that, a lightbulb went over my head in thinking maybe that is partially responsible in the currenly troubled state of my mind. 🤔

Tex was someone I had see briefly back when I was living with Winter and Space Cadet. I liked him a lot, and it was a relief that he was not with anyone else, but because he was really not comfortable, understandably, with my other non-traditional and overly dramatic romantic situation with Winter, he wanted to be just friends, and we were for a time.

After lockdown in 2020, I was feeling like things with Winter had all but come to a halt too for a time, and I me and Tex struck up a friendship online this time. He lives pretty far away, otherwise we would have likely slept together already. He and his partner Trix have a consensual non-traditional relationship. We discuss sex a lot and NTR and kinky things not really have virtual sex. We were just talking hot and heavy for awhile, but recently he became very distant and non-communicative. While very intrigued about my past poly and current situation, he really has no interest in discussing Winter with me anymore.

It had been a relief to find anyone at all that wanted to know about it, and unpack it with me, at first with no judgment. I think the main issue came when in need of sensual and sexual touch me wouldn't just go sleep with a random man to relieve it. I tried to explain my need for that connection, and more to be touched and held, but he would say with great frustration, it's just sex!

Tex also was of the 'you deserve more in life' camp where he thought he knew what relationship model was best for me and had extreme bias towards me needing to have some sort of partner with flings on the side perhaps. Or how he fit in. I felt badly about it, and it was by far not the first person to stop talking to me because I don't fit some mold, or they felt like I was either a 'homewrecker' or a victim.

Yay stereotypes. 😒

I am sitting here right now, bouncing off the walls of my place. I am fortunate enough to be getting by financially with my own small business and with the ability to work from here. I am on the outskirts of a large urban area, and wish to be closer both to where things are going on, and to Winter so that we could see one another more often.

Space Cadet's family is staying at their (ugh) house this weekend. The pandemic had put an end to their constant traveling and visitors and motion, frankly something that made it a bit easier for me to not feel so envious of his time being almost completely with Space Cadet and the myriad of his responsibilities.

I started to feel that way again this weekend when he told me of the visitors, and he made a face and shrugged. He's real depressed now, and I have never seen him struggle like this before. These are complicated feelings for me, because I hate to see him unhappy, but I am internally grateful that they are not getting along. It's tough for me to admit that without guilt.

I have been an observer of their marriage, and I never understood how it held together, aside from marital vows and the family.

You see, despite self-identifying as 'poly', Winter really doesn't seem to recognize a relationship that isn't inside a societally accepted relationship, but rather that he 'loves' both me and Space Cadet, and says he thinks he could possibly love other women too. When we three were younger, we were more of a trio and then an unhappy V, I guess, but hardly spoken about, and while I wasn't entirely hidden back then it was acceptable to both of them that people 'wondered' about their other housemate. Winter relished it and Space Cadet thought it practically reasonable with another person there to pick up the slack with house and kids and be present sexually with her husband. 😠

Thanks again for the reply.

Anna Xx
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Anna,

It sounds like Space Cadet has kind of been a thorn in your side, and while Winter tends to cater to her, it improves your mood to know that things between him and Space Cadet are not smooth. Ordinarily I might say wow, that's petty, but in this case I find that I am able to imagine myself in your situation, and I think I would feel the same way. It sounds like you have had mixed luck in relationships in general, I am particularly struck by how Tex withdrew, and won't discuss Winter with you anymore. It sounds like Darwin is a faithful friend. Correct me if I misinterpret anything here, I am just feeling some empathy as you described the challenges you're dealing with.

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 

annabelle

New member
Hi Kevin,

Thanks for your welcome in my intro thread and your thoughtful reply here.
It sounds like Space Cadet has kind of been a thorn in your side,
I wish that Space Cadet was no longer a factor in my life at this point. I feel as though I've tried my best with her, and she would prefer to pretend that my living with them years ago never happened. After Winter and I reconnected in more recent times, she told me while polyamory 'would have been' (?) a reasonable compromise' for her years ago, she didn't want that now because it was unacceptable now that the family was older and 'we don't live in that type of society'. I guess it was acceptable enough to her then back then to her, and in hearing that I felt more than a bit tossed aside because I wasn't useful to her any longer.

Ordinarily I might say wow, that's petty, but in this case I find that I am able to imagine myself in your situation, and I think I would feel the same way.
In parsing out some of my feelings, I find that the part that I am most grateful for is that Winter and I are communicating better and better these days. I like the fact that I feel more intimately included in his emotional life now. Is it cause and effect because of their difficulties? I don't know. Their relationship is not inside my sphere, yet Winter is one person. So how can one not effect the other?

I find myself glad that he is doing some self-examination, too.


It sounds like Darwin is a faithful friend.
Darwin is a friend, but I wouldn't call him faithful or loyal to me given past behavior when we were together. He blames Winter for the fact our relationship didn't work out, and doesn't want to know that he and I are in any way involved again.

Winter knows I speak with Darwin and Tex. He is understandably not a fan of Darwin because of how poorly Darwin treated me when I lived with him. Really, he doesn't want to know about me even talking to other men, although he would never sad anything negative or try to interfere in any way. It doesn't make him happy, that's for sure.

And, then Tex. 😔

Winter called me not long ago, and we had a really nice chat, and I allowed myself to be less guarded with him and he opened up to me about his feelings about his home life. Right now we have backed off the physically component of things while we are sorting things through. Just holding hands and cuddling a bit. Some light kisses.

I like it, and it makes me feel as if we are really getting to know one another, and as if something real is beginning to develop. I just wish we noth we not so down right now.

Anna Xx
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Sorry to hear that Darwin has not been the kind of friend to you that he should have been. It sounds like you don't have anyone with whom you can talk about Winter. That must be a very isolating feeling. On the other hand, things are looking up in your own relationship with Winter, so that is an encouraging sign. I wonder if Winter will eventually evaluate his relationship with Space Cadet, and decide it's not healthy for him. She does seem to have turned her back on you, indicating to you that she no longer wants you in her life. :(

Hang in there!
 

annabelle

New member
Sorry to hear that Darwin has not been the kind of friend to you that he should have been. It sounds like you don't have anyone with whom you can talk about Winter. That must be a very isolating feeling. On the other hand, things are looking up in your own relationship with Winter, so that is an encouraging sign. I wonder if Winter will eventually evaluate his relationship with Space Cadet, and decide it's not healthy for him. She does seem to have turned her back on you, indicating to you that she no longer wants you in her life. :(

Hang in there!
Even though I wish I could discuss my romantic life with Darwin, I just know at least for now, it is not in the cards. We still have a bond from living together, even though it all ended up very badly. We share interests and hobbies. We talk about work and current events. I am not really one for small talk, and a lot of it is small, but he is available all the time. He's not particularly motivated by romantic relationships, even in his past except for one women was back in his 20s! I regret that I did judge him about that some. I didn't really understand that he was not motivated at all by sex until after we moved in together. That was absolutely an issue for me/us. As a demi, I needed time to feel comfortable and I appreciated him not rushing me. But then... it just never happened, and when he rebuffed my seduction it really hurt!

When I really connect with someone, my sexual appetite and desire are anything but demi! I've never had anything close to the sexual relationship I have had with Winter tho, not just because of how deeply we know one another, but because his mind is sooooooo sexy to me. His body ain't bad either. 😉

Kevin: You are 100% correct about the isolation. I felt as if Winter and Space Cadet had one another to discuss things with when it came to the relationship, assuming they did talk about it, but perhaps NOT discussing it is consistent with the whole DADT-esque thing they have had going.

I am happy that Winter and I are more in synch these days. With covid, the calls and F2F are rare but we text daily and share what is going on with us throughout. He has no privacy in the house, and Space Cadet has left him to be the point person on engaging with their two teenaged kids, doing activities, supporting the teleschool and other education. She is a workaholic. I saw it for myself, and she left the childcare up to me and Winter pretty much even back then.

I'm not sure what about the covid lockdown made her workaholism so much worse, but it's been devastating to Winter. I admire that he steps up the way he does, but find it incredibly unfair to him with both of them having worked from home so far this whole lockdown. Winter tells me that she doesn't really engage with them/him when she is around either.

Their consensual non-monogamy agreement, I wouldn't really call it 'poly' frankly was geared towards him being able to talk and then sleep with other women with her permission. I don't think she ever even expressed interest, but there are things I don't pry into at all as I feel like generally these days, all the communication is mediated via Winter.

I have asked, for safety reasons mostly, if Space Cadet was seeing anyone throughout the years, and maybe because of how she has behaved I have suspected something else is going on, but really idk. He says no, that she is completely monogamous. I doubt he would have an issue with it if they had discussed it.

There are a lot of issues there, but I don't want to get myself ruminating on those this time of the day. 😕

I am pleased to have the opportunity to support him best I can but without being allowed currently by her to be in the house or see the kids, whom I love and miss very much, I can't help him/her offload some of it and offer the kids some variety in support, especially because she has been absent with them.

He's been supportive of me always, but then, I haven't had a partner or significant other when I have been seeing them/him (my choice), so I've needed it more than him. Until now.

I feel hurt on a personal level that Space Cadet doesn't really want to know me anymore, after what we shared. And even though she knows when we see one another, I almost feel like he and I are having an affair because he isn't able to talk on the phone with me in earshot of the kids pretty much in any way where he can be himself with me, or pretty much at all without her interrupting or giving him the stink-eye. The finding time to talk on commutes and trips to the store makes me feel like there is lying going on, and sometimes I wonder if that isn't partially what she wants.

I don't have any restrictions on calling or contact, but I try to call only during weekdays not in evenings, often letting him call me, and during certain holiday or vacation times too.

It is HARD1

I guess at the moment we are more supportive loving friends that text but there is something else developing, and we have discussed it a bit, but in some ways it feels brand new. I have been getting some little thrills of NRE all over again which feels really good, but not being able to be near him much because of lack of time and the long distance makes it all very tough.

I'm so tired of all the distress and chaos in the world right now, particularly in my corner of it. I am fatigued by it all, but then again so is everyone around me.

I have some real growing anxiety about it too such that I am having some trouble sleeping, but I know that isn't unique either.

Time to end this entry and relax a bit.

Anna Xx
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
You have many challenges you're working against, long distance is one of them. Another one is that Space Cadet won't let you call Winter, so you have to text. Another one is that she is making you feel like you're cheating on her with Winter. Finally, there is the fact that she won't let you come over and see the kids. I imagine that must hurt a lot, you can't spend lots of time with the kids and then suddenly have that cut off.
 

annabelle

New member
Kevin: I think the LD is primary challenge here. The way things are going at home for Winter, he is more or less as busy as a single dad working at home with teleschool and kids and housework eating up all of his time. I wouldn't have it any other way him putting the kids and home first.

I am upset with Space Cadet with hiding elsewhere in the house working (or whatever) while he picks up the slack for trying to entertain two teenagers in the middle of this pandemic. This has been going on with them for 7 months now since lockdown. I've seen it wear down on him month after month.

We have gotten into more of rhythm of communication. I had tried to give him space by not texting him as much, not that he said it ever was an issue, but I thought Space Cadet might be around more at times, and didn't want to rock the boat with her, especially not now when they are stuck in the same space 24/7. Since Winter never tells me what to do, and vice versa, I worried maybe he didn't want to tell me not to. After he told me that she wasn't around the rest of the family much at all, I started to text throughout the day and as he is responding right back, in some ways these days I feel like we are sharing our lives best we can with words, music, and images.

He just sent me a little video and his eyes, which normally crinkle up a bit and shine when he smiles, are dimmed and he looks depressed. Frowning. It breaks my heart to see him like this. I've never seen him this way before. All I really can do is be affectionate and present, and hope maybe it helps some if Space Cadet, being true to form I guess these days, is very emotionally and physically unavailable to him, so I want to help him feel loved, and not alone.

Space Cadet, so far as I know, does not say that I shouldn't call. That's beyond what is in her say so to veto. I just don't call except during specific times when he might be in his home office alone. I know he doesn't feel open to talk with her eavesdropping at times (she has always done this) and with the kids wandering around the house all the time.

I haven't seen them since they were very young. I was away a long time. It was after I came back and didn't let her invite herself over during Winter's visits, despite not wanting a relationship with me anymore, the one time she did come out, it was like we had a chaperone in the room.

Winter looked so uncomfortable. Unbeknownst to me, she told him to act like we were 'just friends' when they came. It was awkward, especially since it had been ages since he and I could meet F2F. He was didn't meet my eyes and sat stiffly next to me until she went to another part of the house briefly and then we hugged and I started to cry a bit, composing myself when she walked back in, we both dropped arms like it was some secret. After that, I said if that was the way it was going to be, then she could either come by alone, but not to randomly come along with Winter for our rare alone time.

So, he put his foot down about it so he could always come alone, but she wouldn't communicate with me, and I couldn't see the kids or come over. 😞

I was wanting to move closer to his place for awhile now, as also is closer to some of my family too. We discussed it awhile ago, and agreed it would be nice to see one another more often, and maybe progress with our relationship.

Finances and just all of 2020 make it so I won't be moving to next year, and that is the hardest part right now. I just miss being close to his body more than anything else.

Other than work from home here, I have a lot of time on my hands, and not many places really to go safely here. October is moving slowly, and I feel trepidation about the election coming, like many Americans, and what follows.

I bet it will feel like years until next spring comes...

Anna Xx
 
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annabelle

New member
Last night before I dropped off to sleep, I imagined myself, as I often do, with Winter laying by my side on his back with his arm behind me, encircling my shoulders and back. I curl up and bury my face into his neck, feeling his warm skin next to mind. He smell like freshly-cleaned laundry.

Then I texted him good night, as I often do.
Sometimes I have felt we have been separated by war. Maybe that is truer now than ever before.

I tossed and turned all night, although not troubled by particularly difficult dreams.

Finally I just got up early, the sky still darkened with the shorter autumn days. I sigh and remember the state of the world we are all living in. I mechanically get up and stumble a bit to my kitchen to feed my furrbaby Athena and make the coffee, text Winter gm knowing he is still sleeping and with DND on, and come back here to reread what I have written so far.

Despite my rising rumblings of anxiety that are ever present about the world, I feel at peace with myself and also with Winter. I am not accustomed to feeling so dispassionately in general, and to me my journal here reads that way, but more lovingly and steady, and I find it a welcome change from the emotional upheaval that had been my life for many years before this one.

Yet I am still not entirely sure what to do with myself without all of the drama and uncertainty and stress. At least not that type of stress.

The birds chirp outside, and Athena looks around at them through the window. I feel as if my face is pressed to the glass sometimes too nowadays. I can go out and walk around, or drive, and there are things open, but I haven't gone to restaurants through the whole pandemic except just for take-out. With cases on the rapid rise in the US, I am backing off to just get the groceries delivered etc. I am so very fortunate to not have to be working 'the front lines' as essential workers do, and those that that have employers that require it.

It's very isolating however, and I wish I were closer to my friends in Emerald City (far away when I used to live & where Tex lives). I count the days on the calendar until when I plan on moving closer to StarryCity where it is more urban and interesting, walkable, and where some family and Winter's place is.

Really, when I look at it in terms of weeks, it is not so many.

Tex texted me the other day after having fallen silent on me for a few weeks, and I just haven't felt like responding yet. I don't want to feel emotionally invested into something with him again when he might spontaneously back off again. It hurt, and I wondered what I had done. Then I reminded myself that things are going on in his life, and while certainly I could have said or done something that caused him to reconsider talking to me, I have no way of knowing that. I chose not to ask, and just fade away too.

Of course, I had all but gotten over it when he sent me a message, with a question inviting conversation. True to my demi, I also feel no sexual attraction to him now, and don't really want to feel worked up over it anymore. I'm not in the mood for lust anymore in general.

Right now, that is ok enough. I'd really prefer to keep my sexual desires, only for Winter at the present, on the simmer, tucked away for better and closer times I have to have faith that lay ahead.

Anna Xx
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
You write very eloquently Anna, I get four main things from your two new posts:
  • You miss Winter's physical presence, very much.
  • You are worried about the outcome of the coming election.
  • Covid-19 is very isolating for you.
  • Things like Tex's recent silence have increased the isolation.
Of course, Covid-19 has complicated things for most of us, but you seem to be extra isolated by it. As for Space Cadet, I get three main things from your two new posts:
  • She is neglecting to do her fair share at home, even with her own children.
  • She distances herself from Winter.
  • She makes poly difficult for Winter.
These are just the main points, for me. As I said, you write very eloquently about all of your situation. It does sound like you will be moving to live closer to Winter, at least that gives you something to look forward to. Hang in there.
 

annabelle

New member
Moving this key of people in my life to my journal from sigs:

Anna: polyflexible demisexual me
Winter: poly lover-friend with deep emotional bond
Ember and Stone: my children with Otter
Cleopatra snd Siren: Winter's children with Space Cadet
Space Cadet: Winter's mono wife; former metamour
Darwin: mono asexual ex-partner, now just a friend
Tex: (former?) friend-with-virtual-benefits
Otter: ex-husband; not in contact

Ever a work-in-progress...
 

annabelle

New member
I didn't hear much at all from Winter yesterday.

It happens. Too often for me.

Again, I feel as if he and I are cheating on Space Cadet. I am no longer a part of his family, and it hurts me deeply, as he knows. Shut out, a sense of being ostracized by Sapce Cadet.

At first I rried to remain stoic. It was another really long quiet day, dark and foreboding.
I kept texting to let him know what was going on in my day, which in this case was dealing with waves of emotions.
I knew calling him was pointless, no matter how much I needed to hear his voice.
This is a never-ending diffculty, and one I feel powerless to change.

I feel as if Space Cadet is trying to control our relationship... silently. Or maybe she is just too self-involved to notice. I can't say I understand her thinking, although I have tried and tried.

I sent some videos to Winter as the day progressed in a place we store them online. talking to him as if he were on the phone. By late night I was cryimg on it.

It happens. Too often for me.

He knows how badly I was feeling by my texts, and I know he feels badly about it, but just doesn't have the ability to communicate or see me at times. Part of me, selfishly, wishes that he would -make- the time. Ask Space Cadet to step up more. Insist. I don't know what is really going on between them.

I expressed how I felt to Winter last time he was hear. He acknowledged my feelings, and said things were difficult between he and Space Cadet, which would make speaking to her about he and I particularly toguh.

But really, this part has been going on pre-pandemic, in times when he might have done so, but he delayed.
Sometimes he responds back after Cleopatra and Siren have gone to bed, if he can find a spare quiet hiding place in the house to respond back at night.

Sometimes, if I can't block it out, I think of him holding her or making love to her (assuming that is happening these days) and try as I might, compersion completely eludes,me, and I allow the visual to devastate me a bit.

Yesterday was not that day.
Yesterday there was no good morning. No good night.

i don't even know when I will next see him.

i don't feel like putting out energy in his direction this morning. Right now I feel as if I am the one putting in the work for us to stay connected.

It's an endless pattern.

I feel upset and hurt, a bit angry at Winter. Sometimes I go a bit non-contact for awhile because I feel as if the power balance in the whole situation is out of whack. It's infinately better than when I lived with them, but there it stillis.

I have a medical condition which makes it more dangerous for me to risk exposures to covid and to be outdoors much. There is a growing feeling of being imprisoned.

It told him by text that I wanted to see him soon, but that really there is nowhere for us to meet, except in cars unless he finds the time to come out this way.

I looked down and realize I didn't change my clothes yesterday or even shower. I'm still in those pajamas. I am not very busy this week with business, and I work from home for myself, so I find myself not wanting to even try to get up today.

My fingers feel leaden plunking them down on this keypad.
My body feels leaden when I try to stand or move.

My blinds are down, and I just don't feel like texting Winter our good mornings today, since he didn't respond to mine.

I huess that is immature. Childlike?

It's more like I have nothing left to give today.

I am, instead, in need.
But will it really make any difference today?

Coffee, or bed?

I don't even have any clean mugs, my dishes are mocking me from the sink, unclean.
 

annabelle

New member
Read over my last entry.
Sorry for the typos, readers.

I often get swept up when I am writing, and do hate to edit my stuff.

I was reading a thread in Poly Relationships about a partner wanting to be spontaneous in his schedule with a new relationship. Even though it is unlike my situation, I find myself thinking about how much the erratic nature of communications and F2F time really impacts me personally in trying to live my own life.

I feel insecure frequently in my part in his life. His constant excuses are about him being busy, and I apologize for him to myself all the time, but what about my feelings here?

I have asked for some schedule of seeing one another, or an expectation of how often F2F time, and it never resulted in anything except that he couldn't because of ld, time, and because Space Cadet, the last they spoke of it quite some time ago, said she didn't want that. She doesn't want poly. I don't think now she really wanted it before.

Sometimes, I find myself judging Winter a bit that he doesn't stop seeing me, if she doesn't want poly. Yet for some reason, it is allowed to continue, at this level. I find myself frequently in these silent moments, wanting to put some distance in between me and him, because every time we interact I become reattached again more after he is quiet.

It's like being on a ship when the waves hit, and bring you high, and then the bottom drops out underneath you.

I have tried to take time away intermittently from him on contact. Typically he starts to get anxious about it after a couple of days, unless I tell him I need some space, and then he respects it.

I have struggled a lot in my life with a lot of emotional upheaval in general, and while I have made great strides in this regard, still find it difficult to self-soothe in moments, as independent a person as I am. Isolation notwithstanding especially in covid world, I really like living alone right now. It was a difficult thing for me to share a home with Otter when we were married and with Darwin, too. It certainly was uncomfortable for me to live under another woman like Space Cadet's roof.

Sometimes, I find myself wanting to find another poly situation where I would live near M/F nesting partners where their were no kids in the space, or where I wasn't closeted at least in the home and all three couple enjoy eachothers company, and be friends with my female metamour. I have never been with a woman sexually just her and I, but am curious enough to be open to the possibility if it came up.

Sometimes, I wonder also if I consider formal poly, only because of the situation I was in. The first time around I wasn't keen on sharing Winter with his wife at first, the way I felt about him, and didn't even consider it until somehow it was arrived upon.

Now, I see it as something of a compromise when it comes to him. I would have liked for it to be more between the three of us, but the longer that Space Cadet has her wall up entirely from me, the less I really want it.

I am afraid on some level to put myself out there to ask Winter for anything more than what is now, because past attempts have not yielded anything, and I have felt my only choice at times was to walk away (and have). It never seems to change how I feel about him, or how he feels about me.

With all the severe isolation, I don't think I could even manage it. I might not be his life partner, but he feels like mine. I'm not sure what walking away even means right now.

I did tell him quite recently that things had to change. That I didn't even know what it was that I was asking for, given how things are. Him having children at home complicates things, especially now and some of what I want isn't currently feasible. That I felt as if I might not be able to continue to see him. He took it seriously, but we have had no time to converse since.

So, readers, this is what I feel like when he goes quiet. It feels like a lot of smoke-and-mirrors even if unintentional by him, but I cannot escape the feeling that Space Cadet is trying to passively drive me off.

I think I would like to discuss some sort of V with him, and him with her.

Yet if it is a 'no' or remains the never-ending 'not yet', can I / will I be able to walk away again?
I feel so powerless.

And I really hate that feeling.
 
I was speaking to a friend that I haven't spoken to in a while. I know about 18 months ago, she was in a slump because after about a year of knowing what she needed to do to be happier, or have the chance of being happier, she finally did it. She was in this slump where she was everyone's secondary, but nobody's primary. She had four relationships on the go with lovely people but who had so many commitments in their spousal relationships and some longer term secondary relationships, that she was not getting the primary relationship she wanted. Her partners' were nice people, but they had got used to their family life including the work they needed to do being the pivotal point of their contact and my friend working her schedule to ensure she was available when they were. She decided to insert some boundaries and stop doing this. Very quickly, the person she used to see around once a week couldn't see her for weeks at a time because she wasn't waiting before she committed to other things. Most importantly, they weren't prepared to adapt their schedules or lifestyle to fit her in. All the relationships fizzled out over a few months.

But it did free her up for more fulfilling relationships and she went into lockdown with one of those and it's going strong. It's open/poly, but neither have any other partners and it isn't exactly the best time to date so they're happily spending the extra time getting to know each other and solidify their relationship. They're stupidly cute at the moment.
 

annabelle

New member
I was so worked up in my emotions about the situation with Winter, and wondered if I was reading the situation correctly with him. There is not a lot of time to talk, and sometimes I wonder if it isn't somewhat by design on his part. There is this pattern that if I become upset, in particular convey that I need or want something from him, he disappears a bit.

Anyhow, I had not heard from him by this afternoon, and my heart was pounding enough that I felt like I needed to speak with him to find out his thinking about me not being ok with the status quo, to really communicate.

So I prepared myself to start sentences with "I feel.." etc "what I hear you saying is" and called. He picked up and we talked.

There is a lot I need to process. Some of what he said, and how he handled himself in the conversation are highly disappointing to me. I persisted though through the conversation asking the questions I was afraid to ask about things. I may have tried to have this type of conversation a hundred times before with him, but he quickly becomes defensive and perhaps more than a bit indignant. I don't like that about having conversations with him over the phone.

It's not so much that way in person.

I don't know how to summarize the conversation, and what he said was entirely inconsistent with things he has said not long ago, and even in other parts of the conversation.

I am hurt, Maybe not surprised the answers I got from him, but hurt.


It's just a lot to process right now.

In some ways, I was relieved. I was able to get out of bed, change, and take a shower. I called Darwin, and we had a good friend conversation. I felt like I was able to have more than small talk with him, and he was helpful in talking about some areas in my state that I might consider a move to. Which after the last conversation, might not turn out to be closer, but something much more in my budget without killing myself financially to do it.

He was very short with his answers on the phone, bordering on unfeeling and harsh at time if I deviated at all from the "I feel" and put a you at the beginning of the sentence. I was walking on eggshells. I can't help wonder if he is being honest with me, or more as if he isn't being emotionally aware about himself.

I have to somehow detach from feeling like those are my issues to fix.

He said he didn't want to be as important in my life as he was. He said he couldn't make plans in advance because of the fact he didn't make plans in advance - although that is surely not true. He makes plans with Space Cadet and his kids.

I asked when I would see him next, and he said potentially not until after Thanksgiving, then told me of a huge trip that he and the family were going on. I was floored, thinking doesn't he have some responsibility for letting me know that much?

I didn't feel safe to say a lot of what I was saying because he was not talking considerately to me.

I feel a bit more devastated as I write this.

I really could use some support... 😥
 

icesong

Member
Ooof. Honestly in what you're writing I can hear a lot of the pain I went through with HipsterBoy years ago, where he was far more important to me than I was him (and with layers of interconnection with my then-meta that had been severed). And the pattern of "when I ask for something, it causes distance" was a thing with him too.

You deserve someone who that's not true with. Everyone does, really, but I say you specifically do because it's very easy to talk yourself into an idea that you need to fold yourself into a little box to make yourself convenient for the person that you love (potentially) more than he does you, just to keep him in your life.

I went and found this link from when I was going through this, I think I must have read it, especially point 2, a thousand times while I was trying to process the end of that relationship. I'm not saying that you and Winter are ending but having your lover say "I don't want to be this important in your life" is ... very much a thing that ends up being emotionally processed like an ending.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Anna, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I can't tell how much of Winter's hurtful words are said because Space Cadet is pushing him into it, and how much of it is his own ideas. Either way, it's far more hurtful than what you deserve, I don't think you have done anything wrong. You just want to be loved, you need to be loved, and correct me if I'm wrong but he used to love you, so why wouldn't you turn to him when you're feeling lonely or blue. Please, please, please, take care of yourself. You are a good person, I am 100% sure of that.
 
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