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I started to post a reply to @madgrey in my intro thread and instead it became more of a journal entry so transitioned here.
Please feel free to comment and ask questions!
Hi Sarah,
I had just read your intro post before you responded. Thanks so much for the reply. I am really pretty lonely most of the time because Winter can't really talk or vid chat much at all being surrounded by his wife and kids 24/7.
Yay closeted.
In most ways, I have not lived a life at all normative at all, not since my mid-30s when I became involved with Winter and Space Cadet and moved in. Quite the departure. Tex told me it was as though I had been driving a Honda all my life, and replaced it with an old Jag that I didn't know how to drive, and the maintenance and repairs were a real bitch!!!
I was married and had kids very young by current standards in my 20s and then had kids, now grown. Double income suburbanite in a bigger area which was completely mono-oriented blah blah, we all know the story. I was deeply bored and restless. The emotional bond with my ex-husband Otter shattered pretty early on in the marriage, and I no longer wanted to have sex with. At all. Separate beds. Maybe that should have clued me in to the fact that without the type of deep connection with someone, my attraction could suddenly turn off like a spigot. I guess I just thought we were just living the cliché.
Because of my upbringing, I never even considered divorce, even when he walked out on us once, or having an affair. Life was incredibly busy anyhow, and then there were the kids. I didn't know any divorced people either. Eventually it did come to a difficult and sudden end.
I guess it's lucky I have Darwin to talk to but it was a really damaging relationship the whole way through. I suspect if we didn't live so close by and I wasn't very lonely, I would back away. Occasionally we have a meal out, or did pre-covid, so it was something anyhow, and it is good to have someone to talk to about the day-to-day, for now. It's a constant reminder of that old relationship to me,
As I wrote that, a lightbulb went over my head in thinking maybe that is partially responsible in the currenly troubled state of my mind.
Tex was someone I had see briefly back when I was living with Winter and Space Cadet. I liked him a lot, and it was a relief that he was not with anyone else, but because he was really not comfortable, understandably, with my other non-traditional and overly dramatic romantic situation with Winter, he wanted to be just friends, and we were for a time.
After lockdown in 2020, I was feeling like things with Winter had all but come to a halt too for a time, and I me and Tex struck up a friendship online this time. He lives pretty far away, otherwise we would have likely slept together already. He and his partner Trix have a consensual non-traditional relationship. We discuss sex a lot and NTR and kinky things not really have virtual sex. We were just talking hot and heavy for awhile, but recently he became very distant and non-communicative. While very intrigued about my past poly and current situation, he really has no interest in discussing Winter with me anymore.
It had been a relief to find anyone at all that wanted to know about it, and unpack it with me, at first with no judgment. I think the main issue came when in need of sensual and sexual touch me wouldn't just go sleep with a random man to relieve it. I tried to explain my need for that connection, and more to be touched and held, but he would say with great frustration, it's just sex!
Tex also was of the 'you deserve more in life' camp where he thought he knew what relationship model was best for me and had extreme bias towards me needing to have some sort of partner with flings on the side perhaps. Or how he fit in. I felt badly about it, and it was by far not the first person to stop talking to me because I don't fit some mold, or they felt like I was either a 'homewrecker' or a victim.
Yay stereotypes.
I am sitting here right now, bouncing off the walls of my place. I am fortunate enough to be getting by financially with my own small business and with the ability to work from here. I am on the outskirts of a large urban area, and wish to be closer both to where things are going on, and to Winter so that we could see one another more often.
Space Cadet's family is staying at their (ugh) house this weekend. The pandemic had put an end to their constant traveling and visitors and motion, frankly something that made it a bit easier for me to not feel so envious of his time being almost completely with Space Cadet and the myriad of his responsibilities.
I started to feel that way again this weekend when he told me of the visitors, and he made a face and shrugged. He's real depressed now, and I have never seen him struggle like this before. These are complicated feelings for me, because I hate to see him unhappy, but I am internally grateful that they are not getting along. It's tough for me to admit that without guilt.
I have been an observer of their marriage, and I never understood how it held together, aside from marital vows and the family.
You see, despite self-identifying as 'poly', Winter really doesn't seem to recognize a relationship that isn't inside a societally accepted relationship, but rather that he 'loves' both me and Space Cadet, and says he thinks he could possibly love other women too. When we three were younger, we were more of a trio and then an unhappy V, I guess, but hardly spoken about, and while I wasn't entirely hidden back then it was acceptable to both of them that people 'wondered' about their other housemate. Winter relished it and Space Cadet thought it practically reasonable with another person there to pick up the slack with house and kids and be present sexually with her husband.
Thanks again for the reply.
Anna Xx
Please feel free to comment and ask questions!
Hi Sarah,
I had just read your intro post before you responded. Thanks so much for the reply. I am really pretty lonely most of the time because Winter can't really talk or vid chat much at all being surrounded by his wife and kids 24/7.
Yay closeted.
In most ways, I have not lived a life at all normative at all, not since my mid-30s when I became involved with Winter and Space Cadet and moved in. Quite the departure. Tex told me it was as though I had been driving a Honda all my life, and replaced it with an old Jag that I didn't know how to drive, and the maintenance and repairs were a real bitch!!!
I was married and had kids very young by current standards in my 20s and then had kids, now grown. Double income suburbanite in a bigger area which was completely mono-oriented blah blah, we all know the story. I was deeply bored and restless. The emotional bond with my ex-husband Otter shattered pretty early on in the marriage, and I no longer wanted to have sex with. At all. Separate beds. Maybe that should have clued me in to the fact that without the type of deep connection with someone, my attraction could suddenly turn off like a spigot. I guess I just thought we were just living the cliché.
Because of my upbringing, I never even considered divorce, even when he walked out on us once, or having an affair. Life was incredibly busy anyhow, and then there were the kids. I didn't know any divorced people either. Eventually it did come to a difficult and sudden end.
I guess it's lucky I have Darwin to talk to but it was a really damaging relationship the whole way through. I suspect if we didn't live so close by and I wasn't very lonely, I would back away. Occasionally we have a meal out, or did pre-covid, so it was something anyhow, and it is good to have someone to talk to about the day-to-day, for now. It's a constant reminder of that old relationship to me,
As I wrote that, a lightbulb went over my head in thinking maybe that is partially responsible in the currenly troubled state of my mind.
Tex was someone I had see briefly back when I was living with Winter and Space Cadet. I liked him a lot, and it was a relief that he was not with anyone else, but because he was really not comfortable, understandably, with my other non-traditional and overly dramatic romantic situation with Winter, he wanted to be just friends, and we were for a time.
After lockdown in 2020, I was feeling like things with Winter had all but come to a halt too for a time, and I me and Tex struck up a friendship online this time. He lives pretty far away, otherwise we would have likely slept together already. He and his partner Trix have a consensual non-traditional relationship. We discuss sex a lot and NTR and kinky things not really have virtual sex. We were just talking hot and heavy for awhile, but recently he became very distant and non-communicative. While very intrigued about my past poly and current situation, he really has no interest in discussing Winter with me anymore.
It had been a relief to find anyone at all that wanted to know about it, and unpack it with me, at first with no judgment. I think the main issue came when in need of sensual and sexual touch me wouldn't just go sleep with a random man to relieve it. I tried to explain my need for that connection, and more to be touched and held, but he would say with great frustration, it's just sex!
Tex also was of the 'you deserve more in life' camp where he thought he knew what relationship model was best for me and had extreme bias towards me needing to have some sort of partner with flings on the side perhaps. Or how he fit in. I felt badly about it, and it was by far not the first person to stop talking to me because I don't fit some mold, or they felt like I was either a 'homewrecker' or a victim.
Yay stereotypes.
I am sitting here right now, bouncing off the walls of my place. I am fortunate enough to be getting by financially with my own small business and with the ability to work from here. I am on the outskirts of a large urban area, and wish to be closer both to where things are going on, and to Winter so that we could see one another more often.
Space Cadet's family is staying at their (ugh) house this weekend. The pandemic had put an end to their constant traveling and visitors and motion, frankly something that made it a bit easier for me to not feel so envious of his time being almost completely with Space Cadet and the myriad of his responsibilities.
I started to feel that way again this weekend when he told me of the visitors, and he made a face and shrugged. He's real depressed now, and I have never seen him struggle like this before. These are complicated feelings for me, because I hate to see him unhappy, but I am internally grateful that they are not getting along. It's tough for me to admit that without guilt.
I have been an observer of their marriage, and I never understood how it held together, aside from marital vows and the family.
You see, despite self-identifying as 'poly', Winter really doesn't seem to recognize a relationship that isn't inside a societally accepted relationship, but rather that he 'loves' both me and Space Cadet, and says he thinks he could possibly love other women too. When we three were younger, we were more of a trio and then an unhappy V, I guess, but hardly spoken about, and while I wasn't entirely hidden back then it was acceptable to both of them that people 'wondered' about their other housemate. Winter relished it and Space Cadet thought it practically reasonable with another person there to pick up the slack with house and kids and be present sexually with her husband.
Thanks again for the reply.
Anna Xx