Anna Xx

annabelle

Member
Oh, OK. Yes, I agree completely. Be that as it may, the ball is NOT in his court. The ball belongs to Anna. She can choose to take responsibility for her own life, and stop trying to get anywhere this beaten nearly dead horse on the creepy amusement park ride.

Annabelle, I am being a bit "tough love" here, but I say what I do from a place of kindness and concern. I know how hard it can be to make big changes. Hell, I remained in a marriage for 10 years longer than I should have.
And.. I agree here too. It's up to me to decide if this whole deal is something I want to continue to be involved with, whatever he does or doesn't.

I had a good laugh just now, out loud, about this beaten nearly dead horse on the 'creepy amusement park ride'. Thanks I needed that!! LOL. You aren't wrong.

The part here that is also important is sort of unrelated to the actual 'romantic love' we share, it's much more complex and deep than that. We've been through a lot together and have been there for one another through thick and thin, and are really family to one another. Both of us want me to be a part of his children's lives too, but only such that it doesn't rock the boat in his home while they are not yet adults, or otherwise have a negative effect on them. I send them small tokens every so often to let them know I do think of them.

That is what really connects us together at the heart of it, beyond all the issues etc, and that is what makes it worth it to me to remain a part of his life if I can do it while having dignity and not being miserable about it.

It just may not be possible for me to do that. I really appreciate your honest and direct response, Madlyn. It's really hard to walk away from some things, no matter how messed up they are.

I also stayed in a bad marriage for about 10 years. Ffs before that it had been and relationship and an engagement I should have walked away from!

You are right to encourage me to take things into hand for my own benefit, and I need that. I am a people-pleaser, and I can definately worry more about Winter than myself at times.

It is my responsibility to see to my wellness and happiness, whatever that means.

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
I'm feeling really anxious about the election again. I just want it to be done at this point. I'm worried about the coronavirus numbers tooI had a serious case covid in the early months and know how bad it can be.

I'm also concerned about Winter and family traveling during this time. I don't know why people are taking the risks. It sucks to not have family holiday get togethers, but it's just not safe right now IMO, and will accelerate the spread.

It is always harder for me to manage these feelings and other emotions at night time, especially in the fall and winter. I am very sensitive to the changing in sunlight from the seasons, and have some SAD.

Some nights like this, I feel a bit like the sun won't rise tomorrow, even though I know that is ridiculous.

Anna Xx
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hey Anna,

I feel stressed-out about the election too. I would almost want it to be done and over with, but I'm dreading the Republican gloating that will follow it (if Trump wins).

Covid is a worry too. Sometimes I wonder if people even connect the dots between "take better precautions" and "slow the spread." I guess some people want it to spread faster. Sigh, frustrating.

I don't have SAD, but from your description it sounds pretty scary. Like you almost feel like the Sun is stabbing you in the back, by rising later and setting earlier. Like you can't depend on the Sun. That would be an awful feeling.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 

annabelle

Member
Feels as if the anxiety / chaotic energy is reaching a fever pitch with election day a couple days away. In one way, I think there will be a sense of relief that the voting itself will be done, At least that will be behind us. But I don't think we will know the results any time soon. Or at least for sure the results won't be contested by Trump or that the official votes in the electoral college will be cast without an issue on December 3rd, if Biden wins.

I really don't want to discuss what may happen if Trump wins.

Yesterday, a bunch of Trump supporters in trucks surrounded the Biden bus and volunteer cars around him, and tried to force them off the road. The videos of it were frightening.

[I don't understand why Biden is riding around in a bus, with seemingly no real protection through Texas of all places three days before the election and not in a helicopter with an armed security details gievn the state of affairs. Where would be at if he was attacked?]

There is a lot of unrest in Pennsylvania (outright fighting in Phillie) as it is pretty much split in half left vs. right and the state being a key to the election. That situation worries me greatly, as in other urban areas.

Some people tell me I shouldn't keep tabs on all of this, that there is little to be done at this point by us, but this is a historic time, and someone said 'democracy dies in the darkness', and it seems to me it's important to keep informed.

I have decided to do a candida cleanse for health reasons, and even after the first day I feel cranky from cutting the sugar and carbs out of my diet, but I know I will feel better improving my diet and taking supplements. I'm hoping it might help me with this chronic exhaustion I feel.

I'm also looking forward to my first meeting with my first poly - kink - friendly counselor in a couple weeks. I think that will help me a lot, and I am happy it is via telehealth, as sometimes I can get agoraphobic at times and it's hard for me to leave the house.

I talk to Darwin daily about current events again, he's cooled it with his conservative POV around me since I stopped wanting to talk to him for a bit. It's helpful anyhow to have someone to call freely that has a lot of free time too. He doesn't really have a lot of friends to talk to either, and we have some common interests that we can talk about if we can avoid discussing hot topics.

I haven't responded to Tex in awhile after he contacted me save a few social media interactions. Both of us knows the other is around. There is a real connection there, so I think if we weren't very far a apart meeting up to hang out and have sex might be nice, but that might have to wait. It's an option where I don't need to get to know someone new very well. I'm really missing PIV sex, and right now I don't have a lover at all really, since Winter and I haven't seen each other in awhile.

Winter is going back to work on some days rather than working from home, and so I've gotten some calls from him on his drive etc. The conversations have been friend-like, that is there is no discussion of our romantic situation, but we are getting along ok. I feel more inclined to go to Darwin these days for general support about life and career because we have spoken regularly since the lockdown, especially since Winter has been pretty unreachable. I feel more relaxed about it.

I really just don't feel like talking about that stuff with Winter, especially after how that conversation went a couple weeks back. There's nothing I want to say at the moment. He hasn't suggested to come over, and I haven't asked because he rebuked me a bit when I did a couple weeks ago, and I didn't appreciate it at all.

I'm trying to make it through when he leaves on his travels with his family for Thanksgiving to care for myself and my needs, then really I wouldn't want to until he quarantines after they return.

Our country had 100k+ new cases yesterday. I still can't believe they are traveling to where they are and having get togethers no matter how safe. I think unfortunately a lot of people will have house parties still, and while it is a ll very sad people can't get together for holidays, I don't want to see our country suffer more and be in this for even longer through 2021.

Yet here we are.

I don't know if there will be any trick-or-treaters out for Halloween tonight. I dodn't get any candy because of me trying to do the ceanse - at this moment I would probably binge eat reese's cups, otherwise I would have put some outside the door.

Mostly it is very solitary, and I do enjoy a good amount of quiet and solitude and introspection anyhow, so this is likely much easier on me than on other people.

I spoke to a friend in the UK a couple days ago and they are quite worried about their covid numbers, and Boris Johnson just announced a lockdown for the country.

It's gotten dark out early again, and my mood always does fall dark too, so I'm trying to put on some more cheerful tv and not let myself give in to becoming grim. I'll turn to my aromatherapy oils and hot bath for comfort, and always cuddling with my very furry and affectionate cat Athena.

Off to drink some more water and probiotics.

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
Now I'm actively craving being near Winter. It's pretty predictable this time of night. It's one of those things that comes with wanting to live alone, although maybe I wouldn't feel it so much under different current overall circumstances of life and the situation as it stands with me and him.

Winter called me a couple times unexpectedly today while driving doing some errands. I had my phone on DND some today because I wasn't in the mood talk to anyone earlier.

This yearning really sucks.

Sometimes I really wish he felt that as much as me, but that seems pretty immature of me to think that. I don't even know what that means. If I were busier and it wasn't into month 8 of covid, then I know from experience I just am too busy to sit in these feelings and it is a very different level of comfort for me.

I truly am doing the best I can to care for myself. I'm just sort of dragging myself around the house doing random chores/etc today. Everything is pretty much in hand though. I have sink full of dishes, but as you could probably tell already, it is a chronic issue with me! I mean, I even have a dishwasher!!

It doesn't see very reasonable to want a nesting partner only so I don't have to always do the dishes... 😉

There are definitely minuses to really counting largely on myself. It was very very painful to be alone when I had covid. Winter couldn't come inside my place, something I imagine others here deal with not being able to have physical contact because the other person would risk others (in this case Space Cadet and kids). It was as difficult on him as me I think.

He told me how much he wished he could take care of me, do something. I had to go to the hospital for it, but everyone is pretty much alone in this wretched circumstance in the world. It is complicated because I have tried to discuss his place in my life with my parents and they literally won't accept that it is happening. Like full denial that I was involved with he and Space Cadet and him now. I would have to be much more explicit (like hey we were all having sex !). I mean, they knew I was lving there for years and that he and I had been together etc.

Anyhow, they don't want to hear about him anymore, they told me so. Neither does Darwin. So when I got covid, my people were not communicating. I had both my parents and Winter listed as emergency contacts, and while I was there both were separately calling to get status updates on my condition. Winter became depressed during this time. I was sick a long time, then all had fear of infecting Winter's family so we only had a very socially distanced meeting outside of my house. It was all very awful.

I still haven't processed going through it. I thinkit was when I became much unhappier about status quo, although nothing would have made that better. It was just one of those, I really don't want to die alone feelings that everyone is likely fearing. Being completely apart from the person that cares most about me in the world just made me alter how I felt somehow.

But everywhere relationships and lives are being irretrievably altered, in most cases in a negative way I think. It's a sad time. If Trump stays in office, I don't see an end to all of it, and if he loses nothing will change until he leaves.

I feel as if 2021 is shot through already, and I am struggling to just accept it and look at it plainly so I can better plan and prepare myself to provide for my needs. I fear getting reinfected as it does happen.

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
Hey Anna,

I feel stressed-out about the election too. I would almost want it to be done and over with, but I'm dreading the Republican gloating that will follow it (if Trump wins).

Covid is a worry too. Sometimes I wonder if people even connect the dots between "take better precautions" and "slow the spread." I guess some people want it to spread faster. Sigh, frustrating.

I don't have SAD, but from your description it sounds pretty scary. Like you almost feel like the Sun is stabbing you in the back, by rising later and setting earlier. Like you can't depend on the Sun. That would be an awful feeling.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
Kevin,

I love your turn of phrase about not being able to depend on the Sun. You have me exact.

I guess I don't feel like I can depend on anyone except myself. In these times, that is particularly frightening to me, and at night these days I feel very vulnerable indeed.

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
So... I finally washed my dishes lol. I have a real thing about touching food to get it off the them. Just some weird thing about me. I have really sharp senses, which is both good and bad, particularly the sense of touch and smell. My mom used to call me 'The Princess and the Pea' growing up. That sounds about right!

I'm in a pretty good space about Winter right now. I have my moments, but I'm not thinking about him (or Space Cadet) as much. I feel much calmer in general. I'm happy at least we can be friends-with-flirting on the phone again, and I am just taking it day-by-day, as with the rest of my life.

I have a new client for my business which is really letting me taking it to the next level, while ensuring my own income in 2021, which is a great relief. But at the new level, comes other forms of new stresses, but I think I am prepared for it. Excited, really.

I have the news on, likely will be a constant thing in coming days, as I engage in discussions on social media, it gives me at least some socialization with online friends, and is the best I can do to speak out and support all things against the rising fascism here.

I saw some specials showing what is going on in the ICUs in the more affected states from covid, and it's tough to watch the patients suffering alone on the ventilators and the stress of all the healthcare workers, but again I feel it is important to witness it.

Off to play some chess online. I almost beat one guy at a higher level - I'm really not advanced - especially on this website but they try to match you with similar ratings. I was very focused and he was winning but I made a good move and he was forced to give up his queen. In the chat he said 'damn u'! And I laughed to myself feeling a bit proud as it was a compliment. I almost had him, but he was a lot better and he out maneuvered me and in one move I was screwed, and he took my queen, to which I responded simply 'shit'. lol

He wanted a rematch but I was exhausted from playing him and decided to rest on my laurels.

I can't tell you how attractive and turned on I get when playing certain people with the way their mind works, and the power dynamics, and with the ability to play with men around the world maybe it could be almost like a dating site for me lol.

Anna Xx
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
It sounds like you are managing your SAD as well as anyone could expect you to. One might actually call it NAD, "Nocturnal Affective Disorder."

I didn't realize you had actually come down with the virus at one point. How awful! I think that experience might have darkened your view of the world and politics.

I like Chess a lot, but I am a poor player, pretty much at beginner level. It's so hard for me to take the composite position of the whole board in, and it's even harder for me to anticipate a series of prospective, hypothetical, future moves. Maybe if the days were longer, I would get in more practice at playing. The days would have to be a lot longer though. And I would like to read some books on Chess, if I had the time for that. My youngest brother is really good at Chess; when he was in high school, he almost won the Championship for the whole State of Utah.
 

annabelle

Member
It sounds like you are managing your SAD as well as anyone could expect you to. One might actually call it NAD, "Nocturnal Affective Disorder."
Thanks. I am glad for the time change, at least the sun is shining when I wake up, which helps. Then again, it's getting dark before I eat dinner.

I didn't realize you had actually come down with the virus at one point. How awful! I think that experience might have darkened your view of the world and politics.
I know it has. It also brought into focus a major disadvantage of practicing solo polyamory,

I like Chess a lot, but I am a poor player, pretty much at beginner level. It's so hard for me to take the composite position of the whole board in, and it's even harder for me to anticipate a series of prospective, hypothetical, future moves. Maybe if the days were longer, I would get in more practice at playing. The days would have to be a lot longer though. And I would like to read some books on Chess, if I had the time for that. My youngest brother is really good at Chess; when he was in high school, he almost won the Championship for the whole State of Utah.
If you like learning interactively, and want to do lessons etc on an app and play, I can recommend two apps (I will message you with them).

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
Well, it will be Election Day in just hours now. I'm happy it is finally here. I don't think I can take much more of all the Trump rallys and the conjecture of pollsters and pundits on the news. The anxiety built up in everyone I know.

I really hope Biden wins by a a landslide and it is not contested, best case scenario, and there is not violence tomorrow or following the election. But I don't know what will happen.

2020 has been anything but predictable.

Trump just tweeted that 'someone should do something' about the ballots that will be counted after the election night, completely omitting this happens in PA every year and some other states. It's only when the election is easy to call by the votes that have been counted that the election can be called on election day.

He says there will be violence, inciting his followers to 'do something', trying to create fear and more anxiety. We are being terrorized by our own president.

In better news, I had a very pleasant conversation with Winter today. He didn't have a lot of time but we were able to have some moments of connection. The best moments of our love to me, is those quiet gentle ones. The difficulties of the poly relationship and very rare alone F2F time really has hindered the nature of how we are at our best together. Just at ease.

I think that backing away from relationship discussions or worrying about when I will see him next, and the easing pressures on him from that, have allowed us to be gentle, and that is more valuable to me, and I think what we share than the rest. I feel satisfied with that tonight, at least, and think a time of healing and tenderness will go a long way towards making things easier in life for me and for him.

At least that is something that can't be be limited by anyone else, it's private and it's ours, and it's anything but casual.

Anna Xx
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hey Anna,

Thanks for the PM with the Chess tutorials. I am definitely interested, I just can't figure out how to download them onto my machine. Also I am glad that you and Winter have had some connecting moments. As for it being Election Day, I agree that things are just too unpredictable this year to really prepare for the outcome. I'm with you, I hope Biden wins by a landslide. That's what this country needs, at this moment.

Kind regards,
Kevin T.
 

annabelle

Member
Hey Anna,

Thanks for the PM with the Chess tutorials. I am definitely interested, I just can't figure out how to download them onto my machine. Also I am glad that you and Winter have had some connecting moments. As for it being Election Day, I agree that things are just too unpredictable this year to really prepare for the outcome. I'm with you, I hope Biden wins by a landslide. That's what this country needs, at this moment.

Kind regards,
Kevin T.
Kevin,

I set you a PM with info of how to do this in a browser window not app, and there are some video tutorials to start out from scratch (how the pieces move).

The first pols are about to close now. Fingers crossed.
The first big test is who wins Florida. If Trump loses that, it becomes very very hard for him to win.

Lots of other races to watch, especially in the Senate, to see if we can flip it to blue.

GO JOE!!!!

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
I've been thinking about my gender identity recently, maybe because of my new therapist first visit coming up.
It's something I hadn't really thought much about before, in fact I'm not quite sure exactly what it means.

I know that I am heterosexual, although I think I might be open to being with women, curious I guess

I think I struggle with some things that have never seemed to fit me entirely.

I don't even know if I have the language to describe what I am thinking and feeling about possibly not identifying as a female. It's such a strange thing it never occurred to me before.

Where do I even begin?

Anna Xx
 

Evie

Well-known member
I've been thinking about my gender identity recently, maybe because of my new therapist first visit coming up.
It's something I hadn't really thought much about before, in fact I'm not quite sure exactly what it means.

I know that I am heterosexual, although I think I might be open to being with women, curious I guess

I think I struggle with some things that have never seemed to fit me entirely.

I don't even know if I have the language to describe what I am thinking and feeling about possibly not identifying as a female. It's such a strange thing it never occurred to me before.

Where do I even begin?

Anna Xx
I began with the notion that the modern constructs of female gender in targeted marketing have largely swung back to preadolescent girly girls in pink and an attempt at ultra femininity beyond puberty. Honestly, I reckon Paris Hilton's reality TV shows were a turning point, and then she spawned the Kardashians (Kim was her friend). It's permeated our culture even down here in NZ.

I teach high school girls (single sex school) and the number of false eyelashes and nails these days is ridiculous. That never crossed any of our minds when I was in high school. And at my co-ed primary school, our class photo has very little pink to be seen. As a grown woman now, I have been through phases of thinking because I don't "girl" very well (hair, nails, makeup etc.) I must somehow be less female than my "sisters" who do.

Popular and marketing media has a lot to answer for.

FWIW, you'll probably find your therapist draws a distinction between gender identity and sexual preference, so being open to being with women is a separate discussion from whether or not you identify as female. Or maybe you'll decide that, for you, they are inextricably linked.

So first, what does being female mean to you? Clothing etc. choices? Career choices? Motherhood choices? Division of domestic labour? Your physical characteristicss (breasts, voice pitch and/or your arousal response)? Something else? And after you decide what it means to you, what actually matters to you?

As for a possible heteroflexibilty, do you feel it's a choice you could make, or is it simply going to take the right person for all your butterflies to be flapping?

I look forward to reading how things unfold for you in your thoughts on your identity and sexuality journey.
 

annabelle

Member
I was up a lot of the night watching the rollercoaster ride of our election.

I think I am definitely suffering from some exhaustion, and not depression, at least not clinical, but will see more after my therapist appointment to see if they have some feedback.

I might check in with my doctor too, as I had a really severe case of covid which required hospitalization as I said but fortunately not to the point of a ventilator but I have read that there can be long term symptoms of fatigue etc too.

I am resting as much as I can, which is a lot really because I am my own boss and I didn't take on more post-covid that I felt I could handle.

It doesn't seem to take very much - like anxiety and being up all night - to send it in the wrong direction.

Despite the election craziness, I am feeling very positive more and more and I think the small (and big) decisions I am making gradually to improve my life have been helpful. Then again, even positive change can be very stressful.

Winter and I texted for awhile last night. Space Cadet wasn't around and he was watching the kids so was good to catchup. He was being sweet, telling me he had been thinking about me a lot. Just friendly chat though really, and we don't talk about seeing each other. Knowing him, and based on last big talks, it's left with me for now to talk more or ask. I won't be bringing anything up until I feel better physically and when I am ready. He is a very patient sort of guy.

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
I slept a bunch today during the day and feel much better. Things are looking better with the election, and am glad we are past yesterday and it all went very smoothly and no violence at all. Whew.

Trump is making himself look like more of an impotent moron than normal, it seems like he just behaves worse and worse each day. I really can't wait until we can all just ignore him if we choose to and he is out of the White House. OUR White House.

Just crossing my finger that is in January...

Winter gave me a call a little while ago. I like it when he calls me in the evening, it makes my nighttime blues go away, and it feels a little like I have a bf calling me, which is nice to have in my life sometimes.

It was another tender and quiet conversation, the ones where I can feel a mutual sentiment between us that is both patient and kind.

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
I am so relieved for our country.
I am ecstatic for our country. We need a time of optimism.

But then, I started crying, and haven't been able to stop. 😪

Everything feels brighter, yet in some ways I have never felt more alone.

I texted winter back and forth for a minute.
But it's him I want to be with today, celebrated, and it won't be.

And it won't be Thanksgiving, not Christmas, and definitely not New Years.

And so relief yielded to grief.

I called him, and left a voicemail when he didn't answer, exppressing how I felt, although stopping short of saying how I felt about not being with him, but I may have to make a video just so I can get these feelings off my chest.

Is it a good idea? Will he run? How will he react? Etc.. so forth, all the things I try not to consider but somehow have not conquered yet. Maybe I never will.

I watch people celebrating in the streets of our cities, and for various reasons (asthma and the fact I get really claustrophobic) I can't. I can't even go to a bar because of the virus.

I hate to feel so bitter in this moment, but I feel like I can't even breathe.

😢😭😞

Anna Xx
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
I'm also so relieved. Tears too. And I dont even really like Biden.

One time, I had some issues with a partner and I felt compelled to conceal them in fear of their reaction (read rejection). And a friend just said "so you're worried that if they know how you really feel about them/the situation, they'll think it is healthier to distance themselves from you..." it helped put things in perspective for me at the time
 

annabelle

Member
Well, I just bit the bullet and made a vid for Winter and told him how I felt about the situation in the moment. I didn't bother to dry my hair from my shower I took to try to relax, and I was red-faced and splotchy (not that he cares about appearances but I am a self-conscious sort of person). It's by far not the first time I've sent him very vulnerable emotional type videos, but it still makes me wonder sometimes if I should. Will he retreat? Will he not respond right away? How can I tell if he is being distant or just swamped in his life at the time.

I let him know in text it was there and told him I was crying and sent the video. He responded right back saying he had gotten my voicemail and he would watch the video as soon as he could but he had no privacy to do so now.

Winter texted me that he had celebrated Trump's defeat alone too, and I was grateful he shared it, although I wished he was happier in the moment too.

I cried my face with my weighted blanket, as I had tearfully curled up with Athena (🐈) in my bed with it pulled heavily up all the way to my chin.

I was really glad I had allowed myself to be seen, because he made himself know too in the moment, and felt his presence there alongside of me.

I lingered a bit, then got up to sit on my sofa, and play some chess online with a new chess friend, and felt much calmer, smiling to myself as a bit of sunlight hit my face and brought me back to the rest of this historic day.

Anna Xx
 

annabelle

Member
Well, I just bit the bullet and made a vid for Winter and told him how I felt about the situation in the moment. I didn't bother to dry my hair from my shower I took to try to relax, and I was red-faced and splotchy (not that he cares about appearances but I am a self-conscious sort of person). It's by far not the first time I've sent him very vulnerable emotional type videos, but it still makes me wonder sometimes if I should. Will he retreat? Will he not respond right away? How can I tell if he is being distant or just swamped in his life at the time.

I let him know in text it was there and told him I was crying and sent the video. He responded right back saying he had gotten my voicemail and he would watch the video as soon as he could but he had no privacy to do so now.

Winter texted me that he had celebrated Trump's defeat alone too, and I was grateful he shared it, although I wished he was happier in the moment too.

I cried my face with my weighted blanket, as I had tearfully curled up with Athena (🐈) in my bed with it pulled heavily up all the way to my chin.

I was really glad I had allowed myself to be seen, because he made himself know too in the moment, and felt his presence there alongside of me.

I lingered a bit, then got up to sit on my sofa, and play some chess online with a new chess friend, and felt much calmer, smiling to myself as a bit of sunlight hit my face and brought me back to the rest of this historic day.

Anna Xx
I'm contemplating ordering some delivery food to celebrate vs.. cooking.
Delivery food may win out,
It often does. 😄🙄🙃

I'm feeling really tired still so I also might nap on the sofa afterwards waiting for the Biden-Harris acceptance speech.

I was never really that excited about Biden, but his empathy will be good, as well as decades of experience in government.

I am truly excited about having the first woman veep!!! Wow. Just wow.
And a women of color too adding new perspectives and diversity to the leadership of our country and our world. ❤️

Anna Xx
 
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