Any help?

UNICORN324

New member
I all I need to talk to someone. i have a bf who i love and now i am introducing another to my life for now i am keeping them separate but they both know of each other. my boyfriend and i have been together 4 months and he and i are open but he knows i am poly. now that i have found someone else who wants to be my boyfriend its been a little stressing just need advice
 
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tdh

Active member
Got a little lost in the above so going to try to explain it back to you and ask you verify:
  • You = Poly
  • BF = Poly?
  • NBF = ?
  • You are in a V with BF and NBF
  • NBF and BF know each other but they don't know they are in a V with you
  • And now BF has a new partner that causes you jealousy even though you have NBF and you don't know why
Is that correct?
 

UNICORN324

New member
Got a little lost in the above so going to try to explain it back to you and ask you verify:
  • You = Poly
  • BF = Poly?
  • NBF = ?
  • You are in a V with BF and NBF
  • NBF and BF know each other but they don't know they are in a V with you
  • And now BF has a new partner that causes you jealousy even though you have NBF and you don't know why
Is that correct?

I will reposnt to each point to trey clear it up

  • You = Poly = yes i am

  • BF = Poly?= my long term bf is not poly but he loves have fun (sex)

  • NBF = ? = he is my 2nd bf right now

  • You are in a V with BF and NBF = yes i current hav e on going relationship with them both

  • NBF and BF know each other but they don't know they are in a V with you = they do know each other briefly and want to spend more time getting closer so there wont be any awkwardness, they know it is a relationship

  • And now BF has a new partner that causes you jealousy even though you have NBF and you don't know why = he does not have a new partner this is a guy that we were recently introduced to and i kind of think my Jealousy was more my fear of loss and comparing myself. so if figured out that part out
All i want is in this type of situation how do i make it easier for my long term BF and my new BF to be more comfortable around each other so that none of them feel left out cause i don't want to lose them just want it to be stress free so they both know i love them and can share me
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.

they do know each other briefly and want to spend more time getting closer so there wont be any awkwardness, they know it is a relationship

Then leave it up to them to develop a relationship. They are the ones that want to spend more time getting closer to lose the awkwardness? Great! They can figure that out. You don't have to arrange anything for them just because you are the hinge. They can deal with their own calendars.

All i want is in this type of situation how do i make it easier for my long term BF and my new BF to be more comfortable around each other so that none of them feel left out.

You cannot control their comfort level. That's up to them.

You can make it easier by asking them their preferences and not forcing a group hang out if people don't want to do that. Some people prefer a very separate V. Like they know about each other and can contact each other if something emergency happens to you, but they don't want to hang out to watch movies on Saturday night.

If they do want to get to know each other? You can give them each other's contact info, and then step back and let them figure it out.

cause i don't want to lose them

I get that. At the same time? People's consent to be here in this V? Belongs to them. If either one wants to quit and stop doing this? They can. Just like if you get to a place where you want to quit and stop doing this? You can.

It's just part of dating. Not everyone you date is going to be long haul compatible. You don't have to be afraid of a break up. It's ok to just enjoy how this unfolds and see what happens.

just want it to be stress free

What is stressing you out? This part?

now that i have found someone else who wants to be my boyfriend its been a little stressing and when i see my partner is going to hook up i get jealous

Jealous means you are afraid someone is going to take away something you have. What are the hook up people gonna take away? Or what is BF gonna give away or take away?

Envy is when someone has something you want for yourself. What does BF or the hook up people have that you want?

so they both know i love them and can share me

Then love them. And share your time and attention with them. Honor commitments in the order made.

I mean, if they both know they are here in a V with you as the hinge? They already know they are sharing you.

Are you stressing out because both BFs are relatively new? You've only been dating BF for 4 mos, and then NBF for less than that? Is this your first time in a V?

Galagirl
 
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UNICORN324

New member
My BF keeps saying he feelis like he is in he way he lives with me and sleeps with me every night
my other bf wants to come over and not do sex stuff while he is there for now.
but i want to show my bf he's not in the way im treating them both equal
 

tdh

Active member
want to show my bf he's not in the way im treating them both equal
So this is your boyfriend's insecurity not yours. Your NBF has requested something new in the relationship and now you are considering it.

This could be also a matter of perspective. Your BF comes from more of a swinging/casual sex point of view. He might be assuming things based on his experience so he feels he is blocking that.

Where as you are coming from more of a poly point of view and just want to do relationship things but he can't see that. He might think it all leads to 1 road, sex so him being home or liking the status quo is preventing you from enjoying that aspect.

Also it seems you might be interested in a more kitchen table poly type of relationship is that correct? Where everyone can sit down and spend time together like a unit and share lives together. If this is so, then it sounds like your root concern might requesting this particular relationship dynamic from everyone.
 

UNICORN324

New member
Also it seems you might be interested in a more kitchen table poly type of relationship is that correct? Where everyone can sit down and spend time together like a unit and share lives together. If this is so, then it sounds like your root concern might requesting this particular relationship dynamic from everyone.

I think possibly now i have no issue with thing being separate if they need to be. but they main thing is at the moment they are ging thing a go at least if they can be friends thats all that matters in my eyes and i wont need to worry bout fights.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
My BF keeps saying he feelis like he is in he way he lives with me and sleeps with me every night.

In the way of what?

my other bf wants to come over and not do sex stuff while he is there for now.

So don't share sex with NBF at your house right now.

but i want to show my bf he's not in the way im treating them both equal

Could tell him he isn't in the way. And if you wanted the flat to yourself for a date, you'd plan it ahead of time so it's no surprises for BF.

I'm not sure how you manage his sex dates. Do you clear out so he can have the place to himself? Does he always go to the other person's home?

I think possibly now i have no issue with thing being separate if they need to be. but they main thing is at the moment they are ging thing a go at least if they can be friends thats all that matters in my eyes and i wont need to worry bout fights.

I don't know if this helps you. This is what I think...

A reasonable expectation could be "basic polite" like anyone would be to the bank teller, the mail man, the grocery cashier and other strangers.
So is the expectation to resolve any conflicts in a calm way.

One doesn't scream and yell at the store worker when there's something wrong with a product and you take it in for a return. You go to the store and calmly explain the problem and exchange for a different one, or a store credit, or a refund.

The same basic polite one would do with a stranger? I think that's reasonable expectation for a metamour interacting with another metamour.

Even if they don't esp like the other person? For your sake as the hinge, they could manage basic polite, right? Presumably you aren't picking out jerks to date.

Why would the other partner deserve LESS polite than the basic polite people give a stranger? They don't have to be best friends or hang out, but they could be basic polite if they happen to bump into each other, right?

Friendship goes beyond "basic polite." Them developing a friendship? That is on them. Not you.

Why do fights worry you?

Galagirl
 

UNICORN324

New member
He feels like (well only for now) he feels that because the NBF has to come over to mine and if we want to have sex he would prefer just us and bf thinks im making him leave when i don't even ask him too. and we had a chat and cried it out and things are better i think the fact that is a lil overwhelming. but we have made progress all individually.

and my bf has not had hookups yet but i know there are a few arrangements so we always try worj that out closer to the time
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
How about using generic names for people? Like "Red" for BF. And "Blue" for NBF?

Are you saying....

Red feels that because Blue has to come over to your shared home if you and Blue want to have sex? Red would prefer it be just you and Blue there at the home. He doesn't want to be in the home accidentally hearing things or whatever.

Red thinks you are making him leave the shared home when you don't even ask him too.

Red has not actually had hookups yet. You know there are a few arrangements being planned, so you and Red will try to work that out closer to the time.

You and Red had a chat and cried it out and things are better.

You think the fact that is a lil overwhelming because it's a new open/poly V. Where things are open on Red's side and poly on your side. But each has made progress all individually.

Is that about it?

If so? I think you are doing fine for where you are at. Some growing pains are to be expected. And figuring out how to share the home when each one of you has a date has to be negotiated. You mentioned that you and Red live together and sleep together every night? Does that mean this is a 1 bedroom flat? Because that poses some challenges.

If it was a 2 bedroom flat, you could live together and each have your own room. Which solves having other guests over to share sex or spend the night because then the other person still has some space of their own and doors can be closed.

Galagirl
 

UNICORN324

New member
You mentioned that you and Red live together and sleep together every night? Does that mean this is a 1 bedroom flat?
Because that poses some challenges.If it was a 2 bedroom flat, you could live together and each have your own room. Which solves having other guests over to share sex or spend the night because then the other person still has some space of their own and doors can be closed.

Its a lil more complicated Red and I live together and sleep together yes, but its a house share there are 3 bedrooms and we shared with 2 others in the house so that's why is not as simple as having an extra room if we could afford to live on our own we would, but we are looking for some place more cozy fro us and hopefully blue to join us
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Thank you for explaining. Are you "out" to the housemates as open/poly?

Blue may not want to rush into living together too soon. You might not either. That can wait til later when you know both of them better.

Galagirl
 

UNICORN324

New member
Out yes and open as poly i know i have mentioned it to one of them and if i talk about it i just say it normal i don't see an issue in hiding hwo i am since all of in the house are on some form of LGBTQ+ COMMUNITTY
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It sounds like Red and your housemates are fine if Blue comes over and hangs out as a group, or if you and Blue go into the bedroom for some alone time/sex for a while. Tell Red that you're really fine if he stays in the house while you and Blue go have sex. But if RED is uncomfortable being there while that's going on, he can certainly choose to go out for a while. Maybe he doesn't want to risk hearing anything. Maybe he'd rather go out for a while until you and Blue are done and showered and dressed and sitting in a common room, "decent" again. That's his right and his choice.
 

UNICORN324

New member
It sounds like Red and your housemates are fine if Blue comes over and hangs out as a group, or if you and Blue go into the bedroom for some alone time/sex for a while. Tell Red that you're really fine if he stays in the house while you and Blue go have sex. But if RED is uncomfortable being there while that's going on, he can certainly choose to go out for a while. Maybe he doesn't want to risk hearing anything. Maybe he'd rather go out for a while until you and Blue are done and showered and dressed and sitting in a common room, "decent" again. That's his right and his choice.
well yes i would hate to make any of them feel like there in the way cause they are not and i would suggest it but for now i would like red to be used to blue before i start asking for 1/1 cause blue has said hed try and that all he can do and if he doenst like it i cant make him and we understand
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Red won't get "used to" Blue until you have been seeing Blue for a while. Red can get "used to" your arrangement with Blue over time. You can't force it and control it to the last detail. Communicate openly. Ask everyone for their preferences and believe what they tell you. Their feelings are theirs to deal with. You can't "run interference" and handle their feelings for them in advance.

I think our society has spent enough time hiding our thoughts and feelings to try and prevent others from feeling some kinda way. It's much better to just be honest and let people deal with reality. So much misunderstanding, complications and half truths could be prevented this way.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello UNICORN324,

I think what you need to do is to give Red some reassurance. Reassure him that he is not in the way, that you love him and that it is okay to share you. Also ask him to please be friends with Blue, so that you won't need to worry about fights. It sounds like Blue is not ready to have sex with you in your flat, that is okay, that is Blue's decision, I'm sure he will let you know when he is ready. In the meantime, Red is not in the way, Blue is just more comfortable not doing sex stuff while he is there for now. I think you are doing fine, just keep talking with Red and Blue, listen to how they feel about things, and share with them how you feel. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

UNICORN324

New member
Hello UNICORN324,

I think what you need to do is to give Red some reassurance. Reassure him that he is not in the way, that you love him and that it is okay to share you. Also ask him to please be friends with Blue, so that you won't need to worry about fights. It sounds like Blue is not ready to have sex with you in your flat, that is okay, that is Blue's decision, I'm sure he will let you know when he is ready. In the meantime, Red is not in the way, Blue is just more comfortable not doing sex stuff while he is there for now. I think you are doing fine, just keep talking with Red and Blue, listen to how they feel about things, and share with them how you feel. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Thank you but blue has had sex with me once and red was not here when we did.
And yes they are being friendly and getting on and I have reassured red
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
It sounds like things are gradually falling into place. I don't think it's bad that Blue had sex with you once when Red wasn't there. Maybe eventually Blue will have sex with you when Red is there. No need to rush Blue, he will know when he is ready. And you have already reassured Red, so Red knows he is not in the way. You are just waiting for everyone to feel comfortable. Nothing wrong with that.
 

UNICORN324

New member
It sounds like things are gradually falling into place. I don't think it's bad that Blue had sex with you once when Red wasn't there. Maybe eventually Blue will have sex with you when Red is there. No need to rush Blue, he will know when he is ready. And you have already reassured Red, so Red knows he is not in the way. You are just waiting for everyone to feel comfortable. Nothing wrong with that.
I love how everything is going and we ate feeli g much better. All you guys are awsome
 
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