Are my only options to lose my husband, or stay mono?

S

skies

New member
Hi there! First time poster, but I've been lurking without an account all morning and I wanted to ask for some advice or direction.

A little background: I (28F) and my husband (30M) have been together 10 years. We have been monogamous this entire time. However, about 5 years ago, I developed a crush on a friend and we shared a kiss. I confessed to my husband immediately, and I came out to him as bisexual and polyamorous -- two things I have known about myself for much longer beforehand, but never had the courage to speak up about. I expressed an interest in dating other people. Not even with the thought that I want to go out and actively participate in the dating pool, but with the idea that if a new friendship becomes more heated, that I would like to be able to explore that romantic connection and see where it goes.

He began to have severe, debilitating panic attacks with physical tremors, expressed so many fears of feeling like he was in danger of being replaced or neglected, and told me that under no circumstances was he going to consider opening our relationship. I tried to stand my ground and let him know that it was going to be difficult for me to completely sideline this part of my identity. After months of hard discussions that kept us up late at night and never went anywhere, I just decided to let it go. After all, our discussions had started with me doing something that broke the boundaries of our relationship, so I felt extremely guilty and monstrous. I told him to just think on it, to try to work on his insecurities and let me know when he was ready to have a discussion.

Fast forward to now, five years later... the discussion never occurred. Any time I mentioned that I felt my identity was poly, or even when I mentioned polyamory in any kind of positive context, such as admiring people in poly arrangements with strong communication skills, or shipping three characters in a TV show together, he would have violent panic attacks and I would have to reassure him that everything was okay, etc. Over time, I just clammed up about it because I didn't want to upset him. But this part of me didn't ever go away. I still develop crushes on people, and I have ended friendships because I was terrified of betraying my husband. I still really yearn for the romantic experiences and intimacy that I would like to form with others. I've tried to quietly nurture my polyam identity and love myself for it, but it always felt like it was something nasty that needed to be locked away.

Last weekend we were at a friend's house and they put on a music video for a song that was blatantly themed around queer love. It suddenly brought up a lot of emotions of missing out, regret, and instability within me, and I cried. Later that evening, I expressed to him that I'd been feeling like this part of myself has been neglected for the last five years. We ended up spending the whole night talking about our fundamentally different views on what love, romance, and intimacy is. We went to bed tabling the discussion for another time.

And then last night, we did it again, staying up till 4am on a work night while I reassured him that I love him, that I don't wish to replace him, that if I were to explore other relationships, I would do everything in my power to meet all of his needs. I talked him through multiple panic attacks and provided a lot of physical comfort. His responses felt very pointed. He said that I was causing him pain by making him imagine me loving other people, that I'm asking him to change who he is as a person. He is terrified that I will have no time or energy for him if I do things with other people. He doesn't care that I already have friends and family that I spend a lot of time talking to or hanging out with -- to him, a romantic interest makes it different.

In the meantime, his career has shifted in a way that has him away from home and working as a paralegal, or at law school, from 9am-10pm most days. I work from home as a freelancer and I've developed a lot of my social circle online. He leans on me heavily as his only source of emotional comfort and intimacy, and when he is home I put 100% of all of my attention on him. I don't resent his need to be away from home for his job, which he is very passionate about. But I think it highlights that I have a lot of time to put my energy into other things and people, and it doesn't have to take away from him. And as he eventually finishes law school and becomes a lawyer, I think it's pretty likely that his time expenditure towards his career will not decrease in any meaningful way.

The worst part is, outside of this issue, I feel that my husband and I have a really strong, loving relationship! He is very supportive and gentle towards me in every way. We have a lovely home and a few pets together, and we intend to have kids one day. I know that this isn't nearly the kind of intense entanglement some couples who have been together a long time have, but I really don't want us to break up. I love him very dearly. But I also want to love myself and put my own interests at a priority.
I just feel so lost. I mean... AITA??? lol

I feel like I'm being asked to put my own needs back into the box and just keep it that way. And while I'm happy in my marriage generally, I have felt like this aspect of me is kind of our "dirty little secret" that I have to continually mitigate and ignore. I don't want to drop the issue as it's very important to me. But I'm also really worried that if I don't drop it... I'll basically be out on the street with nothing. And that's a really scary position to be in.

I would love any commentary, advice, resources, etc....

And frankly I would love any advice that isn't that I need to just divorce my husband and get it over with. If it comes to that, it will. But right now I want to focus on what I can productively do to make our conversations and discussions feel like we're getting somewhere. Tysm for reading<3
 
I'm sorry, stranger, but you said

I've tried to quietly nurture my polyam identity and love myself for it, but it always felt like it was something nasty that needed to be locked away.
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and also

He said that I was causing him pain by making him imagine me loving other people, that I'm asking him to change who he is as a person.
Click to expand...

From what I can tell, you see yourself as polyamorous. It sounds like it's a serious, crucial part of who you are. Your husband sees himself as monogamous, apparently to the same degree (e.g. has panic attacks when you mention polyamory, feels like you're asking him to change who he is as a person).

So I'm not sure what advice one could possibly suggest. What does "getting somewhere" in your conversations look like to you? Do you believe there is some possible future in which your husband eagerly embraces non-exclusive relationships?
 
I will start by welcoming you to the forum.

Secondly, have you noticed the sticky at the top of this section, listing all the best poly/open relationship articles, websites, books and podcasts?


Before you have another hours-long exhausting upsetting talk with the hub, take a look at some of those helpful resources. We could be here all day answering your questions (and we don't mind) but you'll save a lot of time if you read a couple books, listen to Multiamory, etc.

With hubs' panic attacks over fear of loss, maybe start with Polysecure.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

You two have already had many talks. I could be wrong, but I think you are in anticipatory grief, the bargaining stage-- like if you could figure out how to talk "just right," you would convince him to change to poly, and there, all would be solved. Or like you see the writing on the wall is likely divorce, but you want to leave no stone left unturned before hitting the wall.

You are grieving. It's okay to be a grieving person.

frankly, I would love any advice that isn't that I need to just divorce my husband and get it over with. If it comes to that, it will. But right now I want to focus on what I can productively do to make our conversations and discussions feel like we're getting somewhere.
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Where is the "somewhere" you want to get to? If you want to make the conversations feel like you are getting somewhere, you might have to come to final acceptance that you two want very different things. He doesn't want poly. You do.

You got together when you were a teen. People change a lot in their teens and 20s. It's not necessarily who we are or what we want in our 30s, 40s, 50s, and so on.

There was a time you didn't know each other at all. Then you were friends, then dating, then engaged, then married. This is another change. It's okay for things to change. It's okay to part ways and heal on your own. Later, if both want to change again to exes and friends, it can change again.

But you aren't even going to get a chance at that if you keep pushing, and aren't LISTENING to him, and this ends up in anger and resentments. :(

He said that I was causing him pain by making him imagine me loving other people, that I'm asking him to change who he is as a person.
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Stop causing him pain. This is not a person who wants polyamory. Work on yourself to accept that.

I feel like I'm being asked to put my own needs back into the box and just keep it that way.
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You don't have to do that. Stop causing your own self pain. Accept that you want poly, but that likely means disbanding the marriage. Then you can be FREE TO pursue poly dating and he can be FREE FROM poly stuff he doesn't want.

You two could do a trial separation if neither of you are sure or want to ease the separation. Or go right to divorce if you already are sure. You could talk to a couple's counselor to help part ways decently. But please stop hurting each other. Sometimes the last loving thing one does is to gently let go.

Galagirl
 
Hello skies,

There must be some way to go poly without losing your husband. Tell him that this is very important to you, and that you don't want to lose him. You have been with him for ten years, you can't just throw that away. It sounds like you and he are perfect for each other in every way except for this one little thing. I wish it was little! If I can think of a way to convince him to let you go poly, I'll let you know.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
skies said:
Hi there! First time poster, but I've been lurking without an account all morning and I wanted to ask for some advice or direction.

A little background: I (28F) and my husband (30M) have been together 10 years. We have been monogamous this entire time. However, about 5 years ago, I developed a crush on a friend and we shared a kiss. I confessed to my husband immediately, and I came out to him as bisexual and polyamorous -- two things I have known about myself for much longer beforehand, but never had the courage to speak up about. I expressed an interest in dating other people. Not even with the thought that I want to go out and actively participate in the dating pool, but with the idea that if a new friendship becomes more heated, that I would like to be able to explore that romantic connection and see where it goes.

He began to have severe, debilitating panic attacks with physical tremors, expressed so many fears of feeling like he was in danger of being replaced or neglected, and told me that under no circumstances was he going to consider opening our relationship. I tried to stand my ground and let him know that it was going to be difficult for me to completely sideline this part of my identity. After months of hard discussions that kept us up late at night and never went anywhere, I just decided to let it go. After all, our discussions had started with me doing something that broke the boundaries of our relationship, so I felt extremely guilty and monstrous. I told him to just think on it, to try to work on his insecurities and let me know when he was ready to have a discussion.

Fast forward to now, five years later... the discussion never occurred. Any time I mentioned that I felt my identity was poly, or even when I mentioned polyamory in any kind of positive context, such as admiring people in poly arrangements with strong communication skills, or shipping three characters in a TV show together, he would have violent panic attacks and I would have to reassure him that everything was okay, etc. Over time, I just clammed up about it because I didn't want to upset him. But this part of me didn't ever go away. I still develop crushes on people, and I have ended friendships because I was terrified of betraying my husband. I still really yearn for the romantic experiences and intimacy that I would like to form with others. I've tried to quietly nurture my polyam identity and love myself for it, but it always felt like it was something nasty that needed to be locked away.

Last weekend we were at a friend's house and they put on a music video for a song that was blatantly themed around queer love. It suddenly brought up a lot of emotions of missing out, regret, and instability within me, and I cried. Later that evening, I expressed to him that I'd been feeling like this part of myself has been neglected for the last five years. We ended up spending the whole night talking about our fundamentally different views on what love, romance, and intimacy is. We went to bed tabling the discussion for another time.

And then last night, we did it again, staying up till 4am on a work night while I reassured him that I love him, that I don't wish to replace him, that if I were to explore other relationships, I would do everything in my power to meet all of his needs. I talked him through multiple panic attacks and provided a lot of physical comfort. His responses felt very pointed. He said that I was causing him pain by making him imagine me loving other people, that I'm asking him to change who he is as a person. He is terrified that I will have no time or energy for him if I do things with other people. He doesn't care that I already have friends and family that I spend a lot of time talking to or hanging out with -- to him, a romantic interest makes it different.

In the meantime, his career has shifted in a way that has him away from home and working as a paralegal, or at law school, from 9am-10pm most days. I work from home as a freelancer and I've developed a lot of my social circle online. He leans on me heavily as his only source of emotional comfort and intimacy, and when he is home I put 100% of all of my attention on him. I don't resent his need to be away from home for his job, which he is very passionate about. But I think it highlights that I have a lot of time to put my energy into other things and people, and it doesn't have to take away from him. And as he eventually finishes law school and becomes a lawyer, I think it's pretty likely that his time expenditure towards his career will not decrease in any meaningful way.

The worst part is, outside of this issue, I feel that my husband and I have a really strong, loving relationship! He is very supportive and gentle towards me in every way. We have a lovely home and a few pets together, and we intend to have kids one day. I know that this isn't nearly the kind of intense entanglement some couples who have been together a long time have, but I really don't want us to break up. I love him very dearly. But I also want to love myself and put my own interests at a priority.
I just feel so lost. I mean... AITA??? lol

I feel like I'm being asked to put my own needs back into the box and just keep it that way. And while I'm happy in my marriage generally, I have felt like this aspect of me is kind of our "dirty little secret" that I have to continually mitigate and ignore. I don't want to drop the issue as it's very important to me. But I'm also really worried that if I don't drop it... I'll basically be out on the street with nothing. And that's a really scary position to be in.

I would love any commentary, advice, resources, etc....

And frankly I would love any advice that isn't that I need to just divorce my husband and get it over with. If it comes to that, it will. But right now I want to focus on what I can productively do to make our conversations and discussions feel like we're getting somewhere. Tysm for reading<3
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I understand wat u mean x
 
Magdlyn said:
I will start by welcoming you to the forum.

Secondly, have you noticed the sticky at the top of this section, listing all the best poly/open relationship articles, websites, books and podcasts?


Before you have another hours-long exhausting upsetting talk with the hub, take a look at some of those helpful resources. We could be here all day answering your questions (and we don't mind) but you'll save a lot of time if you read a couple books, listen to Multiamory, etc.

With hubs' panic attacks over fear of loss, maybe start with Polysecure.
Click to expand...
I'll double-endorse Polysecure.
If you haven't studied up on attachment theory, you might find it revealing/clarifying. He might find it especially clarifying.
 
Hi skies,

I have thought of another option for your situation. This one is rather risky and unorthodox, but it's something you can consider. What you could do is, instead of trying to get your husband's permission to go poly, just tell him that you are going to go poly, and that while you hope he will be accepting and you won't leave him, he can leave you if that's his choice. Then start practicing poly, and let him discover by experience that you are not leaving him (for someone else), and that you are still tending to his needs. That might convince him to be more accepting of poly. Maybe. Anyway it is one option that you could consider, so I thought I'd put it out there.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
What you could do is, instead of trying to get your husband's permission to go poly, just tell him that you are going to go poly, and that while you hope he will be accepting and you won't leave him, he can leave you if that's his choice. Then start practicing poly, and let him discover by experience that you are not leaving him (for someone else), and that you are still tending to his needs.
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How would this approach tend to his need to be heard, need to be respected, need to be seen, need to be understood, need for peace, when he's already stated this?

He said that I was causing him pain by making him imagine me loving other people, that I'm asking him to change who he is as a person.
Click to expand...

Poly like "trial by fire," or under duress sounds HORRIBLY disrespectful, not kind or loving behavior at all. I think it's kinder to own it and break up peacefully.

Galagirl
 
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Yeah, "Yo hubs, I don't want to be the one who has to break up with you, so instead I'm just gonna start doing this thing you can't stand until YOU break up with ME" is not, like, ultra-mega kind and loving behaviour towards your spouse.

Can't remember where I read this recently, but exposure therapy is something a person chooses to do together with a trained professional, it's not something you do to your partner hoping they'll "get over" their deep-seated hatred of your desired relationship structure.
 
I’ve never personally had a panic attack, but I’ve known a couple people that have, and they say they thought they were having a heart attack and going to die. That said, why would you want to put someone through that? Just cut the cord, put the marriage and relationship down. Why make someone suffer like that?

These panic reactions are happening in the talk stage. What's going to happen on date nights or sleepovers? He’ll end up in the ER.

What’s the recovery time on these attacks? What’s the collateral damage of them to work and other activities? There is a quality of life issue, and not just yours. What ends up being the cost of this? I wouldn’t waste money on poly books or therapy to convert him. Save the money for movers and new furniture.
 
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Did your husband ever seek treatment for his panic attacks? Does he have panic attacks at other times, or ONLY when you mention polyamory?

During the five years that you tabled the discussion to give him time to work on his insecurities, with the goal (you thought) of being able to actually have a discussion about polyamory without him having a panic attack, did he ever seek therapy SPECIFICALLY to address his panic-attack responses to your voicing your interesting in dating others?

Sure, panic attacks can be debilitating and beyond his control. But he had a responsibility to address it so that he could have a reasonable, productive discussion with you about your marriage.

I knew someone who was dating a woman who had panic attacks if he brought up any relationships issues or questioned if they should break up. She wasn't doing it on purpose, and the attacks did cause real physical suffering for her, but the result was that he was essentially unable to discuss relationship stuff with her, let alone break up with her. He was genuinely afraid she would end up in the ER if he dumped her.

The effect of her panic attacks was manipulative, even if she didn't intend them to be.

They did eventually break up, and I think she took it quite hard at first, and it was very hard for my friend to decide to break up with her, but when it was over they both seemed relieved.
 
MeeraReed said:
She wasn't doing it on purpose, and the attacks did cause real physical suffering for her, but the result was that he was essentially unable to discuss relationship stuff with her, let alone break up with her. He was genuinely afraid she would end up in the ER if he dumped her.

The effect of her panic attacks was manipulative, even if she didn't intend them to be.
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This is an important observation.
 
You know, a lot of people support the notion that the OP has done enough to let her partner know who she is and giving him a date that she will start to act on her polyness is actually respecting his autonomy.

I agree that is highly risky and not very compassionate, but there is substance in the fact he has the autonomy to leave if he cannot handle it.

Life isnt quite as black and white as that, though.
 
skies said:
And frankly I would love any advice that isn't that I need to just divorce my husband and get it over with. If it comes to that, it will. But right now I want to focus on what I can productively do to make our conversations and discussions feel like we're getting somewhere. Tysm for reading<3
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Will he do counseling with you? If conversations are falling apart maybe a professional in the room can help make it more productive.

SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
You know, a lot of people support the notion that the OP has done enough to let her partner know who she is and giving him a date that she will start to act on her polyness is actually respecting his autonomy.
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I think we have seen this advice given to people who are consenting but experiencing cold feet. In this case however, I don't see how it would be any different than infidelity...
 
Inaniel said:
Will he do counseling with you? If conversations are falling apart maybe a professional in the room can help make it more productive.



I think we have seen this advice given to people who are consenting but experiencing cold feet. In this case however, I don't see how it would be any different than infidelity...
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Objectively, yes it was a bait and switch, but she has given it five years. It is likely you will learn new things about yourself post marriage, especially if you are under 40.

For my own personal life, I would break up. Maybe that isn't the only or even the most ethical option, though.
 
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